FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Dad jokes please..

Dad jokes please..

Jump to: Newest in thread

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Haven’t done one of these for a while, and I’m at home with covid and bored.

Please hit me with your best groan worthy dad jokes

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

I'm at the airport and there's a woman who fainted on the baggage carousel!

She's slowly coming around now.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *itpaul24Man over a year ago

Sevenoaks

A guy came to the door and asked me for a donation to the local pool…..

I gave him a glass of water

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"A guy came to the door and asked me for a donation to the local pool…..

I gave him a glass of water"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *itpaul24Man over a year ago

Sevenoaks

Hope that’s put a smile on your face while you’re stuck at home? Needing more?

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *he zephyrCouple over a year ago

The Sol

Today, my son asked "Can I have a bookmark?" And I burst into tears.

12 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *itpaul24Man over a year ago

Sevenoaks

My cock was in the Guinness book of world records………

Then the librarian told me to take it out

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Hope that’s put a smile on your face while you’re stuck at home? Needing more? "

Always

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *iddlesticksMan over a year ago

My nan’s spare room.

I had a meet last week (that’s not the joke), I took her a bunch of flowers from the garage.

She said

“Thank you I suppose you’ll expect me to spend the rest of the day with my legs in the air. “

“Why, do you not have a vase?”

I replied.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Today, my son asked "Can I have a bookmark?" And I burst into tears.

12 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *uckyNineMan over a year ago

prescot

2 snowmen, one of them says to the other one “can you smell carrots?”

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *itpaul24Man over a year ago

Sevenoaks

My email password got hacked again….. that’s the 3rd time I’ve had to rename the cat

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *oinerbillMan over a year ago

warrington

Went to B and Q this morning

Said to the assistant do you have any nails

how long do you want them she replied

I want to keep them i said

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ockey64Man over a year ago

Gloucester

Dyslexic pimp. He bought a warehouse

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *asepaul71Man over a year ago

Buxton

I saw this advert in a window that said: ‘Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.’ I thought, ‘I can’t turn that down

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *iddlesticksMan over a year ago

My nan’s spare room.

Apparently one in three people in the world are Chinese.

That means that either , me, my brother Colin or my other brother Deng Xiaoping are Chinese.

My money is on Colin.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

I just quit my job at the helium factory

I won’t be spoken to in that tone.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Keep the jokes to the thread please.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *uckyNineMan over a year ago

prescot

Horse walks into a pub, barman says why the long face..

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Yer dah is a shit dj gets called techno notice

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *rtyIanMan over a year ago

Gateway to the Beacons

"What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?" "Sofishticated."

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *rtyIanMan over a year ago

Gateway to the Beacons

"I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along."

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *red333Man over a year ago

Dorchester

"Haven’t done one of these for a while, and I’m at home with covid and bored.

Please hit me with your best groan worthy dad jokes

"
a man walked into a bar..... OUCh it was an iron bar

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *iddlesticksMan over a year ago

My nan’s spare room.

My dog’s got no nose.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *rispyDuckMan over a year ago

Chinese Takeaway near you

My brother’s daughter calls me her Ankle

I call her my Knees

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ustdaveHantsMan over a year ago

chippenham

I once wrote a song about a tortilla, it was more of a wrap

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *rtyIanMan over a year ago

Gateway to the Beacons

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *rtyIanMan over a year ago

Gateway to the Beacons

"I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Haven’t done one of these for a while, and I’m at home with covid and bored.

Please hit me with your best groan worthy dad jokes

a man walked into a bar..... OUCh it was an iron bar

Did you know, before the invention of the crowbar, crows just drank at home..

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *onesome swingerMan over a year ago

Belfast

The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *red333Man over a year ago

Dorchester

"Haven’t done one of these for a while, and I’m at home with covid and bored.

Please hit me with your best groan worthy dad jokes

a man walked into a bar..... OUCh it was an iron bar

Did you know, before the invention of the crowbar, crows just drank at home.."
omg I never knew that lol

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Haven’t done one of these for a while, and I’m at home with covid and bored.

Please hit me with your best groan worthy dad jokes

a man walked into a bar..... OUCh it was an iron bar

Did you know, before the invention of the crowbar, crows just drank at home..omg I never knew that lol

#crowfacts

#wildlifegenius

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Not mine something that landed in i off site mail box

Do you use Colgate or oral b

Please let it b oral

As I would like to give you some oral

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *nterblueMan over a year ago

manchester

How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?

Wi' jam in

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ty31Man over a year ago

NW London

I was stood wondering why my frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger.

And then it hit me...

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A Lick-a-lot-o-puss

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ussieChrisMan over a year ago

Walsall

"What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A Lick-a-lot-o-puss "

I was about to say this one.. then i scolled and saw your post.. lol

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ussieChrisMan over a year ago

Walsall

"What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A Lick-a-lot-o-puss

I was about to say this one.. then i scolled and saw your post.. lol"

scrolled even

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *attoo manMan over a year ago

Rhyl

Just got accepted in a porn move role. I'm the husband going to work.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *r Discreet 75Man over a year ago

LIVERPOOL

I write songs about sowing machines .... I'm a singer songwriter

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ussieChrisMan over a year ago

Walsall

There was this magic tractor at a farm.. it turned into a field.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What's green and smells of pork?

Kermit's willy...

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *InKentCouple over a year ago

sittingbourne

Female version of teabagging is flapuccino

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *yron69Man over a year ago

Fareham

My wife pulled the plug when we having sex in the bath...but I just go with the flow..

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ig_eric_tionMan over a year ago

IPSWICH

A cowboy walks into a car showroom... Audi.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 03/11/22 17:34:36]

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *yron69Man over a year ago

Fareham

Word got around rippled bars of chocolate were free at Asda. Turned out to be flake news..

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *lephantisMan over a year ago

Oxford

I told my friend I was going to a fancy dress party dressed as an Italian island. He said "Don't be Sicily."

I keep randomly shouting "BROCCOLI!" and "FLORETS!" I think I've got florets.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *oeBeansMan over a year ago

Derby

I'm thinking of opening a factory that makes bourbon. I hear it's whisky business though.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *red333Man over a year ago

Dorchester

English man, Welsh man and a French man, English an said I need the loo the Welsh man said I need the bog the frenchman said Ce la vie

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ustincider888Man over a year ago

Preston Ish

Went into the pet shop today and said "I'd like a wasp please"

Shop owner said "we don't sell wasps"

I said "there's one in the window"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *oeBeansMan over a year ago

Derby

A Priest, a Pastor and a Rabbit walk into a blood donation clinic. The nurse asks the rabbit "What blood type are you?"

"I think I'm a Type-O", replied the Rabbit.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ig_eric_tionMan over a year ago

IPSWICH

A white horse walks into a pub.

The landlord says "I've got a whisky named after you"

The horse replies."What Eric"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"A Priest, a Pastor and a Rabbit walk into a blood donation clinic. The nurse asks the rabbit "What blood type are you?"

"I think I'm a Type-O", replied the Rabbit."

I love this one

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *heltenhamBiGuyMan over a year ago

Cheltenham

Aldi are selling a fantastic Humpty Dumpty toy........

Complete with Aldi Kings Horses and Aldi Kings Men

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *oeBeansMan over a year ago

Derby

"A Priest, a Pastor and a Rabbit walk into a blood donation clinic. The nurse asks the rabbit "What blood type are you?"

"I think I'm a Type-O", replied the Rabbit.

I love this one

I think I've used it before on here, but it's so good, it's worth repeating

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ustincider888Man over a year ago

Preston Ish

Went for a job on a farm today.

Farmer asked,can I round up his sheep?

I said "how many do you have"

He said "68"

I said "70"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *yron69Man over a year ago

Fareham

When does Elton John do his weekly shop?

Saturday! Saturday! Alright? Alright? Alright?!!!!!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *eigh guyMan over a year ago

leigh

I bought some camouflage underpants ,, can I find em ?????

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *rAitchMan over a year ago

Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe

A bloke was sat reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and hit him on the head with a rolled up magazine.

"What was that for?", he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name Laura-Lou written on it", she replied.

"Two weeks ago I went to the races. Laura-Lou was the name of the horse I bet on", he explained.

"Oh darling, I'm sorry", she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching the telly when she hit him on the head again, this time with a frying pan, knocking him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, "What was that for?"

"Your horse phoned".

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *umbiyaMan over a year ago

Halifax

My friend was depressed, so I bought him a playstation to console him.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *edplusoneCouple over a year ago

West Midlands

Police reports that a man in a trench coat flashed three old women on a park bench. One had a stroke, the other two couldn’t reach.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ig_eric_tionMan over a year ago

IPSWICH

Little Billy was in sewing class at school when he stuck a needle in his hand.

Miss miss I need some cider.

Why do you need cider Billy?

When my sister gets a prick in her hand she puts it inside her.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

If you have a huge green ball in one hand and another huge green ball in the other hand - what have you got????

The undivided attention of the Jolly Green Giant

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Ongoing sickness, so I’m bumping for my amusement

Have you seen the dog bowl?

No, I didn't know he could.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

How many tickles do you give an Octopus to make it laugh?

Ten-tickles!

Obviously they only have 8 of those.

So the first two are test-tickles!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ohnmorgan2225Man over a year ago

keighley

My penis was in the Guinness book of world records, but then the Librarian made me take it out.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find were 6,000 matches

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ottom charlieMan over a year ago

washington

"Haven’t done one of these for a while, and I’m at home with covid and bored.

Please hit me with your best groan worthy dad jokes

"
what sits on the sea bed and shakes all day,,, a nervous wreck,,

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I reckon I’m a wanted man for using too much coconut shampoo...

It’s like there’s a bounty on my head...

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Plus if you on twitter follow "The Dad Joke Man"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I reckon I’m a wanted man for using too much coconut shampoo...

It’s like there’s a bounty on my head..."

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *escourtesMan over a year ago

hereford

woman asks manager in shop, where are the xl condoms? he replies in family planning section over there....20 mins later shes still stood by xl condoms, manager says are you ok you found them..she replies great thanks I'm just waiting to see who buys them!...

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *escourtesMan over a year ago

hereford

two youngsters getting changed after swimming, the boy looks over at girl and starts laughing...she says why you laughing?..boy replies you havnt got one!..one what she replies?...a willy he replies..girl replies ahhh but my dad said that with one of these I can have as many willies as I want!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why has there never been a pregnant Barbie doll?

Because Ken comes in a different box

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *igonpleasureMan over a year ago

Colne

I don't trust those trees

They seem kind of shady

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ayneKingMan over a year ago

South East

After 24hrs Astronomers got tired of watching the moon go round the earth so they called it a day

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *nterblueMan over a year ago

manchester

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *reat me rightWoman over a year ago

Rotherham

"My dog’s got no nose.

Go on then, I'll play

Hoe does he smell?

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *reat me rightWoman over a year ago

Rotherham

"My dog’s got no nose.

Go on then, I'll play

Hoe does he smell?

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *uicy jonesMan over a year ago

near a big hill in s/ shropshire NOT in

I walked into a bar, and went ouch, it was an iron bar

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *oeBeansMan over a year ago

Derby

I once went to an archeology party where everyone was looking for the remains of a lower leg. It was quite the shindig.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Yesterday someone rang my mobile, sneeezed, coughed and hung up.

I'm sick of these cold calls !

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I think my local garage is trying to rip me off!

Does anyone else think £500 for a Tesla exhaust is a lot?

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

I feel so strongly against graffiti in public toilets, I've signed a partition

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why did you never see barbie pregnant

Ken came in a different box

Lol

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I feel so strongly against graffiti in public toilets, I've signed a partition"

Fecking hilarious this is my favourite one yet. X

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *yron69Man over a year ago

Fareham

We rowed in the museum so she stormed off. There is much history between us..

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I went to a fancy dress competition last night dressed as a giraffe...

I didn't win but at least I can hold my head up high...

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Just reading that there's a small island off the coast of Italy which is inhabited by 5 million Sicillion people.

That's the biggest number I've ever heard.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I was shocked to hear that the stationary store has moved.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I gorged on 14 cans of alphabet soup yesterday.

Ended up having a crippling vowel movement.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I gorged on 14 cans of alphabet soup yesterday.

Ended up having a crippling vowel movement."

My dog ate my scrabble tiles, he keeps leaving little messages all over the house

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I had a hard time figuring out why I don't consider cottage cheese truly "cheese".

But it's just a curd to me.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I gorged on 14 cans of alphabet soup yesterday.

Ended up having a crippling vowel movement.

My dog ate my scrabble tiles, he keeps leaving little messages all over the house "

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don't know y.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *red333Man over a year ago

Dorchester

"I gorged on 14 cans of alphabet soup yesterday.

Ended up having a crippling vowel movement.

My dog ate my scrabble tiles, he keeps leaving little messages all over the house "
omg hope you tidy them up

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

I accidentally swallowed the scrabble tiles for N, O, U, O, T, and Y.

I shit you not

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *irBummyFingerMan over a year ago

Carmarthen

"I had a meet last week (that’s not the joke), I took her a bunch of flowers from the garage.

She said

“Thank you I suppose you’ll expect me to spend the rest of the day with my legs in the air. “

“Why, do you not have a vase?”

I replied.

Like that, funny

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I accidentally swallowed the scrabble tiles for N, O, U, O, T, and Y.

I shit you not"

My girlfriend is furious with me because she found a bunch of hidden letters that revealed I was cheating on her.

Now she refuses to play Scrabble at all.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *yron69Man over a year ago

Fareham

I said waiter bring me the largest roast duck you have.

..the bill was huge..

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *yron69Man over a year ago

Fareham

I said officer this driver really cut me up.

He said "reg?"

I said I didn't get his name..

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I used to be addicted to the ‘Hokey Cokey’ but I managed to turn myself around...

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *red333Man over a year ago

Dorchester

I had sex in a lift it was wrong on so many levels

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ubwife4uCouple over a year ago

Maidstone Area.

I got fired from my job at the post office for writing “oh yes they do” on envelopes marked “photographs do not bend”

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *hedark_knightMan over a year ago

Edinburgh

What did one wall say to the other wall?

“Meet me in the corner”

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *aul DeUther-OneMan over a year ago

Seaside Sussex

"I said waiter bring me the largest roast duck you have.

..the bill was huge.."

How would you turn a duck into a soul singer?.

Put it in an oven 'til it's Bill Withers

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I got fired from my job at the post office for writing “oh yes they do” on envelopes marked “photographs do not bend” "

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *hogun300Man over a year ago

london

What do you get if you throw a grenade in to a French kitchen?

Linoleum blown apart!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ezoMan over a year ago

The Kingdom

I never trust stairs.

They're always up to something.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *aggy dollsCouple over a year ago

Bradford

I had a job interview today at a builders merchants, the interviewer said "firstly can you make a cup of tea?" "Yes" I said, then he asked if I could drive a fork truck, to which I replied "bloody hell how big is the kettle?".

Mr Hayes

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ove2pleaseseukMan over a year ago

Hastings

Two tampons walking down the road what do they say to each other?

Nothing there stuck up cu t's.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Two peanuts were walking down the street, 1 was asalted ( assaulted)

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *aul DeUther-OneMan over a year ago

Seaside Sussex

Two tomatoes crossing the road. One get ahead of the other and the slower one gets run over.

The faster tomato turns around and says Catchup!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *issy_sub_rTV/TS over a year ago

Near Thatcham

Two fish in a tank.

One says to the other, "You know how to drive this thing?!"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My dad always said his pride would be the death of him.

He was right. His favourite lion ate him.

(Courtesy of Bob Mortimer)

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ubwife4uCouple over a year ago

Maidstone Area.

Two Irish men walking down the street. One has a bag in his hand and says to his mate “if you can guess how many donuts are in this bag you can have them both”

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Last week I posed naked for a men's fitness magazine...

I think the cashier would have preferred if I'd just paid for it.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I’m a dad. And my whole life’s a joke. Is that what you mean?

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *yron69Man over a year ago

Fareham

My grandad won a medal for destroying the enemy's lines of communication.

He ate their pigeon..

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *yron69Man over a year ago

Fareham

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *oiluvfunMan over a year ago

Penrith

Man walks in to a bar. He said “Ow!’ It was an iron bar…

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Lots I’ve never heard before. I love it

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *iddlesticksMan over a year ago

My nan’s spare room.

A guy at work this morning asked me if I’d been 69ing somebody.

I said crikey can you smell her on me.

He said

No, you’ve got shit on your nose.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *elshcouple18Couple over a year ago

Cardiff

What's green, has 6 legs, and if it fell from a tree, it would kill you? A snooker table..

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *yron69Man over a year ago

Fareham

She said so you like dining with attractive slim women?

I said yes as salads are much cheaper.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *iddlesticksMan over a year ago

My nan’s spare room.

"What's green, has 6 legs, and if it fell from a tree, it would kill you? A snooker table.. "

Rupert the fridge

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My dad used to tell me this one as a child and I loved it at the time.

Brain and a spark plug walk into a bar. Barman says I'm not serving you, he looks out of his head and you look like your about to start something.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I just had a terrible nightmare that I was trapped inside a snow globe!

I'm OK though, just feel a bit shaken up...

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ouisebottomTV/TS over a year ago

London

How do you scare a bee?

Boobies

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *rispyDuckMan over a year ago

Chinese Takeaway near you

Son asks: Dad what are condoms used for?

Dad replies: Usually to avoid answering questions like this 1

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ust me 999Man over a year ago

near you

"Haven’t done one of these for a while, and I’m at home with covid and bored.

Please hit me with your best groan worthy dad jokes

How does a monkey make It’s cheese on toast ?

He puts it under the gorilla

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ust me 999Man over a year ago

near you

A guy goes to the doctors and says I keep thinking I’m tom Jones

Dr replies with well, “that’s not unusual”

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

How many spiders does it take to create an app?

None. Spiders don't make apps; they only design web sites!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *onkeyandBonesCouple over a year ago

Staffordshire

What type of monkey can fly?

A hot air baboon

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"What type of monkey can fly?

A hot air baboon"

What do you call an exploding monkey?

A BABOOM!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *red333Man over a year ago

Dorchester

Went to an Irish restaurant where they served soup in a basket

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I once got kicked out of slimming World, as you can imagine I accepted the decision with huge grace, because she got kicked out too.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ipperbangMan over a year ago

Sittingbourne

I met a woman on fabswingers, she opened the door in her negligee, funny place for a door

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Haven’t done one of these for a while, and I’m at home with covid and bored.

Please hit me with your best groan worthy dad jokes

Hope u get well soon OP

“Before Corona Virus I used to cough to cover a fart, now I fart to cover a cough.”

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *tr8guy4TwinksTvTsMan over a year ago

Kildare

Just got a new wardrobe from IKEA, not a single screw hinge or bracket in the box. Seriously you could'nt make it up.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I have a whole lot of jokes about the unemployed but they don't work

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ust me 999Man over a year ago

near you

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? 10 , tentacles.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *rispyDuckMan over a year ago

Chinese Takeaway near you

I ordered a book on Amazon titled: How to spot a scam! Its been 3 months should be arriving anyday now

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My mates been on the phone all upset !

He’s missus left him and took his Bob Marley cd and satellite dish …

No woman no sky

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

BREAKING NEWS!

An armed man has just run into an estate agents, and shouted "Nobody move!!"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *yron69Man over a year ago

Fareham

Why does Julian Lennon love hummus?

Cos his dad used to tell him to give peas a chance...

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *inballs99Man over a year ago

Blackheath

What did the snowman say to the carrot??

GET OUTA MY FACE !!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Daddy if I put nuts on the wall, would they be walnuts

yes daughter that's right,

Daddy if I put nuts on my chest would they be chestnuts,

yes daughter that's right

Daddy if I put nuts on my chin would they be chin nuts

hell no you would have a dick in your mouth.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Just got a new wardrobe from IKEA, not a single screw hinge or bracket in the box. Seriously you could'nt make it up."

I bought a cupboard at Ikea. Took me all day to put the Fjälkinge thing together.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *lex.and.SexCouple over a year ago

Bedale

What's the best kind of bed for contraception?

A sofa bed, because it pulls out

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *irldnCouple over a year ago

Brighton

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?

Because he didn’t have the guts!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *elshcouple18Couple over a year ago

Cardiff

Went into the bank today, and asked the cashier to check my balance, so she came out and pushed me!!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *elfordstevieMan over a year ago

Telford

The local convent had no security, and one of the inhabitants went missing.

No fence, nun taken.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I went to a fancy dress party last night dressed as a screwdriver.

Turned a few heads…

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *aul DeUther-OneMan over a year ago

Seaside Sussex

"I went to a fancy dress party last night dressed as a screwdriver.

Turned a few heads…"

A party I went to dressed as a mushroom. When someone asked me "..why a mushroom?" I replied "I want to look like a fun guy"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

An old Japanese gardener asked me what I knew about bonsai trees. I said "Very little."

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *weet and SpiceCouple over a year ago

Around the Midlands

"An old Japanese gardener asked me what I knew about bonsai trees. I said "Very little.""

Was that from that well known deal app? We saw it on there yesterday

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ermite12ukMan over a year ago

Solihull and Brentwood

5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.

Now they are tenants.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *rumpyMcFuckNuggetMan over a year ago

Den of Iniquity

Some Cannibals broke into a Convent near Coventry...

Nuneaton

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call and fly without wings?

A walk

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *rumpyMcFuckNuggetMan over a year ago

Den of Iniquity

I have the memory of an Elephant..

I remember going to the zoo one time and seeing an Elephant

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *rumpyMcFuckNuggetMan over a year ago

Den of Iniquity

I went to a designer shop the other day and I asked if the knickers were satin ...

He said no they're new .

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *oo..Woman over a year ago

Boo's World

What does a Deaf Gynaecologist do?

He reads lips......

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What has five toes, but isn’t your foot.

My foot!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *rumpyMcFuckNuggetMan over a year ago

Den of Iniquity

"What does a Deaf Gynaecologist do?

He reads lips......"

Oh god you actually posted it

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"What does a Deaf Gynaecologist do?

He reads lips......"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *tr8guy4TwinksTvTsMan over a year ago

Kildare

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ichael CoolMan over a year ago

unknown

Guy says to a florist I need some flowers for my girlfriend, florist says what you looking for, guy says my hole.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ichael CoolMan over a year ago

unknown

Man goes to the doctor and says I'm feeling a bit camp, doctor said no sir you're just two tents

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

why did the cow cross the road ?????????????????????????????????

to get to the moooooovies

my 7 year old son told me that one

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ichael CoolMan over a year ago

unknown

Did you hear about the constipated accountant, he worked it out with a pencil

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ichael CoolMan over a year ago

unknown

Saw a guy stealing a gate once I didn't say anything in case he took a fence

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ichael CoolMan over a year ago

unknown

I know a man who lived in a tractor tyre, he got a puncture now he's living in a flat

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why are there flowers on woman’s knickers ?

In memorial of all the faces that have been buried there

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *edGrayCouple over a year ago

Swindon

My obese parrot died, it's a great weight off my shoulder....

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Good Dad jokes everyone

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)