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Rocky relationship
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So I'm in a relationship of 20 years and over this last few years I have just felt like something is off.
So last night my partner caught me recording a video to send to someone I met on here. We cried, we talked and I am currently sleeping on the sofa. Am I a horrible person to want this relationship to end even tho he wants to forgive me? |
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I think you’re probably not a terrible person, but you’ve not behaved in a great way.
A lot of people talk about a term called ethical non monogamy for this very reason.
Is your relationship completely past saving, even before this? |
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"I think you’re probably not a terrible person, but you’ve not behaved in a great way.
A lot of people talk about a term called ethical non monogamy for this very reason.
Is your relationship completely past saving, even before this? "
I know it's not ideal but I have felt us growing further and further apart in the last few years. He didn't pay me any attention and sex was a once a month endeavor if I was lucky. |
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"You're female so don't worry, you'll get nothing but sympathy.
Yeah I see that based on the replies so far. The double standards will never go away. "
Hang on a minute!
I took the piss out of your title in the very first response.
I deserve credit.
Give me credit.
|
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"If you want it to end end it! Surely it's not worth hurting him for, I mean your still here so I doubt behaviours are going to change, it's not fair on the bloke."
I have tried to end it but he wants to fix it. I have been trying to fix it for years but it fell on deaf ears.  |
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"You shagged someone behind his back. I’d say that’s a hefty indicator that something ain’t quite right.
Either talk it out, or leave. "
Well I didn't shag anyone I was sending vids or is that what's classed as shagging nowadays? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You shagged someone behind his back. I’d say that’s a hefty indicator that something ain’t quite right.
Either talk it out, or leave.
Well I didn't shag anyone I was sending vids or is that what's classed as shagging nowadays? "
You’re verified though! IMO either commit or leave. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You shagged someone behind his back. I’d say that’s a hefty indicator that something ain’t quite right.
Either talk it out, or leave.
Well I didn't shag anyone I was sending vids or is that what's classed as shagging nowadays? "
Ok, maybe you didn’t. You weren’t specific in you opening post. I was guessing.
The advice still stands though. Talk the problem through or leave. |
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"You shagged someone behind his back. I’d say that’s a hefty indicator that something ain’t quite right.
Either talk it out, or leave.
Well I didn't shag anyone I was sending vids or is that what's classed as shagging nowadays?
Ok, maybe you didn’t. You weren’t specific in you opening post. I was guessing.
"
The post said "sending a video to someone I met on here" which is ambiguous ! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You shagged someone behind his back. I’d say that’s a hefty indicator that something ain’t quite right.
Either talk it out, or leave.
Well I didn't shag anyone I was sending vids or is that what's classed as shagging nowadays?
Ok, maybe you didn’t. You weren’t specific in you opening post. I was guessing.
The post said "sending a video to someone I met on here" which is ambiguous !"
Yep agreed that would sound to me like she’s met him before. Although I guess it could have just been a social and not a sex meet! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"So I'm in a relationship of 20 years and over this last few years I have just felt like something is off.
So last night my partner caught me recording a video to send to someone I met on here. We cried, we talked and I am currently sleeping on the sofa. Am I a horrible person to want this relationship to end even tho he wants to forgive me?"
Why are you still together? |
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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago
East London |
"If you want it to end end it! Surely it's not worth hurting him for, I mean your still here so I doubt behaviours are going to change, it's not fair on the bloke.
I have tried to end it but he wants to fix it. I have been trying to fix it for years but it fell on deaf ears. "
Explain to him that you'll always want other men and he'll have to accept that. See what he says. |
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Everyone deserves to be happy and if your in a relationship that’s not making you feel that way then you need to get out!!
People change and if you don’t grow together then sometimes to need to end it for both of you to be happy either alone or with someone new…. |
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"If you want it to end end it! Surely it's not worth hurting him for, I mean your still here so I doubt behaviours are going to change, it's not fair on the bloke.
I have tried to end it but he wants to fix it. I have been trying to fix it for years but it fell on deaf ears. "
You haven't really tried though if your still together, if you want to leave just leave, or continue to hurt him and be that person. |
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"You're female so don't worry, you'll get nothing but sympathy.
Yeah I see that based on the replies so far. The double standards will never go away.
Hang on a minute!
I took the piss out of your title in the very first response.
I deserve credit.
Give me credit.
"
I didn’t notice till you pointed it out- clever!! |
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If you really want it to end, pack your bags and leave… or are you expecting him to do that because you are messing him around?
I don’t get why you are still sitting there, both parties don’t (and rarely) agree a relationship is over, so one needs to take decisive action. Either you leave or you don’t, but please don’t put the emphasis onto him for your choices; that’s just knobish  |
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"Did you try to end it by letting him catch you making the video ?
No we talked a few weeks back about things because he noticed how my attitude had changed and I told him how I was feeling. "
‘A few weeks’ isn’t very long to give a chance for things to change within a 20 year relationship is it. Talk more, tell him what you need to change and if he can’t do that then it needs to end, but doing it this way is incredibly unfair and he deserves more than that |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I was in the same boat as you . Unfortunately you just got to go . I wasted years of my life trying to figure out what was wrong in my relationship . Best thing I ever did . You have the advantage of being a women so finding a guy won't be a problem for you .
As a side note sending a video is just as bad as shagging in my opinion . It's still breaking that trust and being unfaithful |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My point of view is: After twenty years people change, you and your partner are not the same people you were when you met.
Some grow stronger, some grow tied of each other, some kinda in the middle.
There is nothing wrong with trying to get out of life what you want / desire. It would be nice if your partner was on the same track. Nobody is at fault on this.
I think you should have talked to him and used words before actions, but sometimes the river just flows.
20 years is a long time to throw away, but you only have one life and its your life, you must life it for you.
I always say: as long as I keep my side of the street clean, then I can hold my head hign. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"So I'm in a relationship of 20 years and over this last few years I have just felt like something is off.
So last night my partner caught me recording a video to send to someone I met on here. We cried, we talked and I am currently sleeping on the sofa. Am I a horrible person to want this relationship to end even tho he wants to forgive me?"
No! But you should have been honest about Fab and told him your not happy. Never stay in a relationship unless you're happy! Completely happy. Honesty in a relationship is a must though.
You need to do what's best for you, no one else! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"So I'm in a relationship of 20 years and over this last few years I have just felt like something is off.
So last night my partner caught me recording a video to send to someone I met on here. We cried, we talked and I am currently sleeping on the sofa. Am I a horrible person to want this relationship to end even tho he wants to forgive me?"
You felt something was off so you joined this site? You're the one that's in the wrong by a long shot. He deserves better than that. You should leave. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Is he no longer interested in a sexual relationship and happy for you to seek that elsewhere?
Or does he want you to end this?
You need all his expectations, the honest ones. And then you can decide if that's a future that you can deliver wholeheartedly.
There is more to a relationship than sex but imbalance in the bedroom can and will erode the foundations of a relationship if you both don't communicate and agree and above all be open and honest 
Good luck OP |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Did you try to end it by letting him catch you making the video ?
No we talked a few weeks back about things because he noticed how my attitude had changed and I told him how I was feeling. "
If he's ignored your feelings that's his fault, not yours. Just stay and keep fucking around. You need good sex to be happy.  |
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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago
South Wales |
I’d say this. You’re on a sex site getting lots of attention from men.
Who just want sex.
Don’t go getting carried away and throwing away something good because suddenly you’re getting attention from other men, who just want a shag.
20 years is a long time. He deserves better. You need to sort your head out and figure out what it is you want. You want to leave? Then leave. It’s not fair on either of you at the age of 37 to be in a relationship that is probably making you both unhappy. If there are children involved then all the more reason to sort things out properly. If you want to work things out then try. But being on here won’t help that.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"So I'm in a relationship of 20 years and over this last few years I have just felt like something is off.
So last night my partner caught me recording a video to send to someone I met on here. We cried, we talked and I am currently sleeping on the sofa. Am I a horrible person to want this relationship to end even tho he wants to forgive me?"
If you want it to end then it needs to end. You can't stay with someone just to try and make them happy. Plus 'forgiveness' doesn't exactly always work. If it's going to be raised during every argument or disagreement from now on then that's just miserable for both parties |
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It sounds like things aren’t right and you could only say can I naughty message people whilst with you to see how he responds?
It’s not healthy to try when it’s only one sided so I would say think carefully about what you do next xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Damn girl if you've been trying to end it for years and you're sure it is what you want then end it and stop letting him believe there's a chance it might work out if you're not willing to change and you know it's over.
But if there's a part of you that believes it can work and you see happiness after this rough patch, then you have to remember the grass isn't always greener and ask yourself is it worth working on?
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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
I’m sorry but you’ve behaved appallingly.
The basis for any relationship is communication, if you can’t express your needs then how do you expect them to be met? Running off because your partner doesn’t understand what you haven’t told them is selfish.
Did you ask why he’s not wanting sex?
If you don’t want to be in the relationship then leave. Don’t sit there waiting for him to kick you out just so you can play the victim and make him the bad guy. Own your choices.
Your husband deserves better |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think you’re probably not a terrible person, but you’ve not behaved in a great way.
A lot of people talk about a term called ethical non monogamy for this very reason.
Is your relationship completely past saving, even before this?
I know it's not ideal but I have felt us growing further and further apart in the last few years. He didn't pay me any attention and sex was a once a month endeavor if I was lucky."
It's a rocky relationship because you've cheated. Take some responsibility. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If you want it to end end it! Surely it's not worth hurting him for, I mean your still here so I doubt behaviours are going to change, it's not fair on the bloke.
I have tried to end it but he wants to fix it. I have been trying to fix it for years but it fell on deaf ears. "
Reducing this somewhat, but can this be broken down to a) you tried to fix it, but he wasn’t interested although you never split up, and now b) he wants to now accept that fixing even though you did the dirty but now you’re not interested? The whole thing sounds unhealthy, and any Fab angle sounds like a side note, sounds like a contemptuous position frankly, so if you’re really past engaging, at least don’t drag it out |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I was in a very similar situation, I wasn't unhappy in my relationship just not getting much attention so I looked somewhere else for it and my husband found out that I had been having video chats with a guy. We talked about it and I told him my reasons why.. we decided to open up our relationship to meeting single guys and we are stronger as a couple now than we have ever been. We enjoy fun with other guys and our own sex life is great.
You did say though that you wanted to end your relationship so maybe you have already answered your own questions this doesn't make you a bad person it just means you want to be happier than you are now and there is nothing wrong with that xx |
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It’s a rotten thing to do, and it hurts like hell if you are the one it’s being done too. You’ve just flipped someone’s world upside down and not in a good way.
That being said, you have tried to talk about it prior to the episode and you failed, I’m guessing because it was the pain of guilt that stopped you. The reality is, you aren’t doing your partner any long-term favours if you don’t want to be with them any more.
You are going to have to be honest with them, if you want out, then it’s time you separated, how that will affect your living arrangements and finances needs to be considered but if you have emotionally moved on and you can’t physically move on you still need to be honest and say that.
When people cheat it is both controlling and coercive behaviour, because they are deceiving their partner into believing everything is alright, whilst having a secret life and by denying that knowledge to your current partner, you keep them in a “box”.
This isn’t about your current partner setting you free, you already are, this is about you setting them free. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I was in a very similar situation, I wasn't unhappy in my relationship just not getting much attention so I looked somewhere else for it and my husband found out that I had been having video chats with a guy. We talked about it and I told him my reasons why.. we decided to open up our relationship to meeting single guys and we are stronger as a couple now than we have ever been. We enjoy fun with other guys and our own sex life is great.
You did say though that you wanted to end your relationship so maybe you have already answered your own questions this doesn't make you a bad person it just means you want to be happier than you are now and there is nothing wrong with that xx"
So glad this worked out, hopefully I can be included?  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I was in a very similar situation, I wasn't unhappy in my relationship just not getting much attention so I looked somewhere else for it and my husband found out that I had been having video chats with a guy. We talked about it and I told him my reasons why.. we decided to open up our relationship to meeting single guys and we are stronger as a couple now than we have ever been. We enjoy fun with other guys and our own sex life is great.
You did say though that you wanted to end your relationship so maybe you have already answered your own questions this doesn't make you a bad person it just means you want to be happier than you are now and there is nothing wrong with that xx
So glad this worked out, hopefully I can be included? "
FFS read the room |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"So I'm in a relationship of 20 years and over this last few years I have just felt like something is off.
So last night my partner caught me recording a video to send to someone I met on here. We cried, we talked and I am currently sleeping on the sofa. Am I a horrible person to want this relationship to end even tho he wants to forgive me?"
No your horrible for sending naughty videos to people on here while in a relationship |
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"You shagged someone behind his back. I’d say that’s a hefty indicator that something ain’t quite right.
Either talk it out, or leave.
Well I didn't shag anyone I was sending vids or is that what's classed as shagging nowadays?
Ok, maybe you didn’t. You weren’t specific in you opening post. I was guessing.
The post said "sending a video to someone I met on here" which is ambiguous !
Yep agreed that would sound to me like she’s met him before. Although I guess it could have just been a social and not a sex meet!"
The intention is there though !!!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I was in a very similar situation, I wasn't unhappy in my relationship just not getting much attention so I looked somewhere else for it and my husband found out that I had been having video chats with a guy. We talked about it and I told him my reasons why.. we decided to open up our relationship to meeting single guys and we are stronger as a couple now than we have ever been. We enjoy fun with other guys and our own sex life is great.
You did say though that you wanted to end your relationship so maybe you have already answered your own questions this doesn't make you a bad person it just means you want to be happier than you are now and there is nothing wrong with that xx
So glad this worked out, hopefully I can be included?
FFS read the room"
Just to this comment, not the entire thread. Although I have put my two pence in regarding that.
Tried to stay neutral. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"So I'm in a relationship of 20 years and over this last few years I have just felt like something is off.
So last night my partner caught me recording a video to send to someone I met on here. We cried, we talked and I am currently sleeping on the sofa. Am I a horrible person to want this relationship to end even tho he wants to forgive me?"
Wouldnt say horrible more untrusting. A cheat is a cheat weather its sending vids,pics without other half knowing about it. As iv said many times on here to guys cheating,how would u feel if was other way about |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Did you try to end it by letting him catch you making the video ?
No we talked a few weeks back about things because he noticed how my attitude had changed and I told him how I was feeling. "
Did you talk before or after you created your Fab profile? If you actually want to put the effort in then get fab gone and work on your relationship instead of putting effort into people who will just view as a means to help them cum
He deserves better |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Plenty of people on here are cheating OP or go with those who are so don't get hung up on the more sanctimonious advice. Just sit down with your partner when you're both calm and have a long, open chat. Then make a decision as the status quo is obviously not working for either of you. Good luck to you both.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"So I'm in a relationship of 20 years and over this last few years I have just felt like something is off.
So last night my partner caught me recording a video to send to someone I met on here. We cried, we talked and I am currently sleeping on the sofa. Am I a horrible person to want this relationship to end even tho he wants to forgive me?
Wouldnt say horrible more untrusting. A cheat is a cheat weather its sending vids,pics without other half knowing about it. As iv said many times on here to guys cheating,how would u feel if was other way about"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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After feeling something was “off” in my marriage I took to internet sleuthing (which it turns out I’m flipping good at) and found my husband’s graphically verified profile on here. The hurt is still with me, months down the line. The shame, embarrassment and utter lack of self worth I continue to try to battle every single day.
I confronted him. We have talked and talked. We still haven’t quite got to the bottom of why, beyond because “he could”.
So coming at it from the other side, you may not be a horrible person but you have acted horribly and I’m sure have irreparably hurt another person.
As others have said; if you want out of your relationship, get out. But bare in mind that many blokes on here chuck compliments out to all and sundry just for wank fodder. |
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By *bi HaiveMan
over a year ago
Forum Mod Cheeseville, Somerset |
"You're female so don't worry, you'll get nothing but sympathy.
Yeah I see that based on the replies so far. The double standards will never go away. "
Nope.
You'll get the same response from me I'd give to a guy. It's your life and your situation that even if you really, really tried you'd never be able to sufficiently explain on an Internet forum.
Life isn't black and white, nor simple and that includes relationships.
The cats out of the bag now so it should make a decision and resolution easier as you can't carry on as before behind their back.
Only the two people involved can decide what happens moving on. Everyone else's opinion is just noise.
A
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Sometimes the hardest thing about addressing problems in a relationship is finding a way to bring the subject up. This was not the ideal way for the can of worms to be opened but now that it has been, you can and should openly talk about the everything before the window closes.
It may be that you find common ground or it may be that you separate. But here is a chance for you to follow your heart and for you both to move forwards, together or alone.
You are not a bad person, ignore the haters on here. Being on here was not the cause of the problem, it’s a symptom. |
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"I’d say this. You’re on a sex site getting lots of attention from men.
Who just want sex.
Don’t go getting carried away and throwing away something good because suddenly you’re getting attention from other men, who just want a shag.
20 years is a long time. He deserves better. You need to sort your head out and figure out what it is you want. You want to leave? Then leave. It’s not fair on either of you at the age of 37 to be in a relationship that is probably making you both unhappy. If there are children involved then all the more reason to sort things out properly. If you want to work things out then try. But being on here won’t help that.
"
This is great advice. Listen to every word of this OP. |
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It is still infidelity they class it as emotional infidelity you need to discuss it fully with your partner and decide what is best for you, there's no point us saying you were in the wrong you know what is right and wrong. If you can stop coming on here or he decides he's OK with you coming on here then it might be fixable if not then why put him through more pain. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I think you’re probably not a terrible person, but you’ve not behaved in a great way.
A lot of people talk about a term called ethical non monogamy for this very reason.
Is your relationship completely past saving, even before this?
I know it's not ideal but I have felt us growing further and further apart in the last few years. He didn't pay me any attention and sex was a once a month endeavor if I was lucky."
Once a month?? Damn woman I would go for that. I am married, but havent had sex in over 3 years lol |
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By *inaTitzTV/TS
over a year ago
Titz Towers, North Notts |
This is messy in so many ways.
1, if it had been a guy posting this, then the reactions would have been very different.
2, we've only had your side of the story,
3, everything you've posted on here, you should be telling your other half instead of us.
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"You're female so don't worry, you'll get nothing but sympathy.
Yeah I see that based on the replies so far. The double standards will never go away.
Hang on a minute!
I took the piss out of your title in the very first response.
I deserve credit.
Give me credit.
"
I noticed ! but I only gave it 5/10 and I don't know which one you are. I might have given 4/10 if it was the other one. |
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By *oxychicWoman
over a year ago
Nottinghamshire |
8 weeks you been on here, i dont get it ,why didnt you put the effort into your relationship in the last 8 weeks by either deciding to work it out or leave , rather than put the time and effort to be on here |
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"So I'm in a relationship of 20 years and over this last few years I have just felt like something is off.
So last night my partner caught me recording a video to send to someone I met on here. We cried, we talked and I am currently sleeping on the sofa. Am I a horrible person to want this relationship to end even tho he wants to forgive me?"
Do you have children together ? |
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By *issmorganWoman
over a year ago
Calderdale innit |
You're not considering your partner's feelings in all this ,if you're not happy and want the relationship over ,then end it .
Don't be shitty and come on sites to cheat on him,that is a horrible thing to do and will break his heart .Give him the respect you'd want and actual tell him it's over and you're leaving ,then he can move on and you can meet /video with whoever you want. |
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