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You should go and love yourself!
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I haven’t done a deep thread in a while but I’m feeling emotional today.
SO, I’m really interested in the journeys we go on too love and accept ourselves as we are. I know there are things about ourselves that we long to change and work hard to do in terms of weight etc. Good for you guys. But tell me about loving the parts of yourself that you can’t change so easily? Are you there? How did you get there?
Always nice to hear from men on these threads about feelings but I’ll endeavour to reply to you all  &  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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TL;DR
- tell me about how you came to love the parts of yourself that you can’t change so easily? Are you there? How did you get there?
- tell me how you *believe* the affirmations you tell yourself or others tell you. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Skin colour + heritage. Spent a lot of years whitewashing myself, until I realised parts of my culture can be beautiful.
Next step is actually visiting that country. I know it would be hard because I have such different morals and values as the people there (incl my family who live there) so I would be scared for my safety. Maybe when I'm older and have learned to be a little less stubborn. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Will I ever love myself and those parts? No. But I have come to accept what I can't change and make progress on what I can. There's no magic journey to this place, for me it's just come with age and experience. There's enough people in this world ready to put you down so we owe it to ourselves to be kind to ourself if not anything else. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Skin colour + heritage. Spent a lot of years whitewashing myself, until I realised parts of my culture can be beautiful.
Next step is actually visiting that country. I know it would be hard because I have such different morals and values as the people there (incl my family who live there) so I would be scared for my safety. Maybe when I'm older and have learned to be a little less stubborn. "
Timber, I just need to be so real for a second. Seeing you on this app, you beautiful person, is so wonderful to me. And seeing you talk about the things you do is so nice. But also, I feel like you speak on things that make me feel seen. As I wrote this I thought about skin colour (but didn’t want to because I know how that goes). I still struggle sometimes, allowing myself to see beauty in my skin which is hard because I see it others with the same skin colour as me. Idk it’s a lot and that’s a journey I’m struggling through. But, hey, you, you’re so great and yeah. I hope you can go to visit that country but don’t worry about being stubborn. In this case stubbornness may be good. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Will I ever love myself and those parts? No. But I have come to accept what I can't change and make progress on what I can. There's no magic journey to this place, for me it's just come with age and experience. There's enough people in this world ready to put you down so we owe it to ourselves to be kind to ourself if not anything else."
That’s real
We might never love ourselves in the end but we have to be kind to ourselves. About the things we can’t change. And forgive ourselves the things we never manage to change. You’re really funny on here but you talk some real shit me times and that turns me on. Jk. You’re great though fr |
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Hmm it's a tough thing to do. My brain is my own worst enemy. It works differently to others and that has led to frustration, severe depression and much self hatred. I still get bouts of hating how it all works, but I'm more accepting of how I tick. And appreciate that it also a source of many good things.
Think it's a tough thing to do and you've got to really want to do it for you to succeed.  |
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By *ohn KanakaMan
over a year ago
Not all that North of North London |
Because of the physically, emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship I had with my parents I have long struggled to believe I am loveable or even likeable.
I'm not sure I'll ever completely come to terms with it, I have a very patient partner and some close friends who dint shy away from reminding me of my worth and I just remind myself their voices are more valid than the ones inside my head
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I very often don’t like what I see in the mirror but I also like /love myself immensely and I know that I’m a good person I think a lot of us have our own personal demons that we may never defeat but I always try to remember that I’m greater than the sum of all my parts. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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This is a bit deep but it took me a LONG time to love and accept myself especially my skin colour. Grew up in a Welsh town where myself and my sister were the only POCs so I was constantly bullied.
Moved to England at 12 which helped but I always felt too white for black people and too black for white people. There weren’t many mixed race people back then. It took me years and years to fully accept myself and I’m happy being me now! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I got really ill. I realised that actually life is short and I'd rather live it happy. My insecurities still raise their heads sometimes but then I think about how everyone has them and most people are too busy looking at their own to notice mine.
I think also the realisation that not everyone is gonna like me is ok, I don't like everyone I meet either. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Hmm it's a tough thing to do. My brain is my own worst enemy. It works differently to others and that has led to frustration, severe depression and much self hatred. I still get bouts of hating how it all works, but I'm more accepting of how I tick. And appreciate that it also a source of many good things.
Think it's a tough thing to do and you've got to really want to do it for you to succeed. "
The thing is, Frida, forgive me for assuming this is you, you have such a beautiful mind! I’ve seen it flexing on here many times. But I know that living with it is probably not easy if it causes all the things you’ve mentioned. I think a part of accepting and loving your mind, when it’s different to many other people’s is understanding it. Understanding it, learning it, knowing it. And also getting others to do that as well. Being seen by people. And understood. That’s important. Bless you on this journey! |
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I don't actually know how to write it but I am such a changed man over the last few years!
I literally locked myself away in a bedroom for days and took myself back to my childhood to find where the problems began, I then had to work out how to change my mindset and become who I am today.
It was a horrible time, but I am now who I am today and that is a much better person! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Because of the physically, emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship I had with my parents I have long struggled to believe I am loveable or even likeable.
I'm not sure I'll ever completely come to terms with it, I have a very patient partner and some close friends who dint shy away from reminding me of my worth and I just remind myself their voices are more valid than the ones inside my head
"
You, my friend, are a gorgeous man. I’ve seen you on the forums a few times and it sucks to read that you lived through this and still do. But it makes me immensely happy to hear about the support from the patient people around you. It’s tough. I know that myself. But I hope you can see how gorgeous you are, like people tell you. I think the moments of doubt are normal, probably even more so if attached to trauma (though I’m no psychologist) but I think it’s important to remind yourself that the way people saw you then and treated you as a result, is not a reflection of your worth, that’s their problems that they’ve projected onto you, not your problems. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I very often don’t like what I see in the mirror but I also like /love myself immensely and I know that I’m a good person I think a lot of us have our own personal demons that we may never defeat but I always try to remember that I’m greater than the sum of all my parts."
A good person you are indeed.
I’ve encountered you in here many times and read you even more! You’re wonderful. You’re beautiful. Don’t let the demons drown out these voices telling you that you’re great. There is plenty to love in us all. I wish it was as easy to recognise in ourselves as it is in others. |
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"Because of the physically, emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship I had with my parents I have long struggled to believe I am loveable or even likeable.
I'm not sure I'll ever completely come to terms with it, I have a very patient partner and some close friends who dint shy away from reminding me of my worth and I just remind myself their voices are more valid than the ones inside my head
"
I feel you.
My mother told me she'd break my nose one day more than she said she loved me.
She was an alcoholic, always trying to get me in trouble with my dad.
Wasn't until I was about 26 or 27 he believed me after she came at me with a knife then cut her wrist |
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"TL;DR
- tell me about how you came to love the parts of yourself that you can’t change so easily? Are you there? How did you get there?
- tell me how you *believe* the affirmations you tell yourself or others tell you. "
I still struggle but I look at myself as soft and warm and inviting rather than society’s image of fat (i.e. unsexy). It makes me feel desirable.
I continue to tell myself my brain is an asshole that tries to trick me and that I am worthy of being loved. My voice is valid and I am seen.
If none of this works I allow myself to be gentle and kind to my mind and body until I’m strong enough to know my worth again |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"This is a bit deep but it took me a LONG time to love and accept myself especially my skin colour. Grew up in a Welsh town where myself and my sister were the only POCs so I was constantly bullied.
Moved to England at 12 which helped but I always felt too white for black people and too black for white people. There weren’t many mixed race people back then. It took me years and years to fully accept myself and I’m happy being me now! "
I just love reading you on here. On your old profile and this! First of all, I’m so sorry to learn about what you and your sister lived. The unique experience of mixed race people are often lost in discussions on race and that’s one of the saddest things I find sometimes. I hear what you mean in terms of loving your skin colour in a world that it feels like doesn’t love it back or love it truly. I’m still feeling that. But your experience is so valid but more, so important. Hearing that you’re happy being you is wonderful because exemplify beauty from what I’ve seen on here, inside and out! It’s always a journey but I hope you know now, that you’re enough for the Black kids and enough for the White kids as you are. they just didn’t know that yet.  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I got really ill. I realised that actually life is short and I'd rather live it happy. My insecurities still raise their heads sometimes but then I think about how everyone has them and most people are too busy looking at their own to notice mine.
I think also the realisation that not everyone is gonna like me is ok, I don't like everyone I meet either. "
That’s some real ish, for real. 
I think you’re so right. Life is so short. Too short to spend hating yourself or at least not liking yourself. That’s powerful. Life is so fragile, if I wasn’t here tomorrow, the thought that I never found a way to love me the way others did would be sad.
Shit.
Thank you |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"This is a bit deep but it took me a LONG time to love and accept myself especially my skin colour. Grew up in a Welsh town where myself and my sister were the only POCs so I was constantly bullied.
Moved to England at 12 which helped but I always felt too white for black people and too black for white people. There weren’t many mixed race people back then. It took me years and years to fully accept myself and I’m happy being me now!
I just love reading you on here. On your old profile and this! First of all, I’m so sorry to learn about what you and your sister lived. The unique experience of mixed race people are often lost in discussions on race and that’s one of the saddest things I find sometimes. I hear what you mean in terms of loving your skin colour in a world that it feels like doesn’t love it back or love it truly. I’m still feeling that. But your experience is so valid but more, so important. Hearing that you’re happy being you is wonderful because exemplify beauty from what I’ve seen on here, inside and out! It’s always a journey but I hope you know now, that you’re enough for the Black kids and enough for the White kids as you are. they just didn’t know that yet. "
Thanks Steve! Yeah being mixed is a weird one as it does come with a type of privilege, as I know my full black friends have dealt with more shit than me but you’re also caught between two worlds so to speak.
And I hope your journey is going ok. I often find black men have it the hardest. My sons black (3/4) and even in London he gets some strange reactions from people just for existing. |
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
I’ve had some big pain & challenges in life but loving myself hasn’t really been one.
Never felt the need to worry about or dwell on things that I can’t change or of no significance to other people that matter me (skin colour, race, size, shape, big nose etc) .
If they do matter to some people , then I don’t care as those people don’t matter to me. Good people don’t care about these things.
But I will focus on changing those parts of me I can change and need changing - attitude, character, diet, use of alcohol/dr*gs, lifestyle, friendship group etc and I won’t accept them abd love myself if I believe them to be wrong, I’ll give myself a good talking to until I change  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think, for most people, it will always be a work in progress. The day I think "hell yeah, I'm so fucking awesome!" is the day I stop growing and evolving.
The best method I've come across to help me accept the aspects of my personality I struggled with was reparenting. When I feel shame (it's usually shame), worthlessness, guilt etc. I visualise a little girl in need of care and safety. I hug her, tuck her up in bed with her favourite teddy and stroke her hair while she falls asleep. It was easy to do as my youngest was a toddler at the time I first attempted this, so those feelings of love and nurturing were there in abundance for him. I just needed to transfer some of it to that little girl.
That said, I've had 3 breakdowns since that time. A combination of autistic burnout and the baggage from childhood trauma. There's always work to be done. |
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"I think, for most people, it will always be a work in progress. The day I think "hell yeah, I'm so fucking awesome!" is the day I stop growing and evolving.
The best method I've come across to help me accept the aspects of my personality I struggled with was reparenting. When I feel shame (it's usually shame), worthlessness, guilt etc. I visualise a little girl in need of care and safety. I hug her, tuck her up in bed with her favourite teddy and stroke her hair while she falls asleep. It was easy to do as my youngest was a toddler at the time I first attempted this, so those feelings of love and nurturing were there in abundance for him. I just needed to transfer some of it to that little girl.
That said, I've had 3 breakdowns since that time. A combination of autistic burnout and the baggage from childhood trauma. There's always work to be done."
Comforting and supporting your inner child is a great way to look at it xx |
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I don't think I do love the parts of me that I can't change. Even if I lost weight, my saggy tummy apron would remain. I definitely do not love my wonky and defective pelvis, hips, leg, undercarriage etc. My boobs sag horribly and it's a struggle to do anything to make them feel attractive to me.
What stops me really hating my appearance is knowing Mr KC adores me and loves all my bits and pieces. I know he doesn't like the fact that bits of me are falling to pieces but still loves all of me. He likes squishing my chubby bits and loves my boobs.
I've tried to beef up my upper body to take away from the car crash below the waist (and to just be strong) so I'm now a strange split of solid muscle and brawn the top and saggy mess at the bottom
I like my blue eyes though  |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
. |
There's definitely something in the air today isn't there? I'm not sure if the changing season has resulted in more introspection; perhaps people have more time and headspace to sit and think, really think about things.
So... loving myself in particular parts I can't change.
Yes, I think I do. I actually love my fusion of heritages. My skin colour. My hair? Well... I don't hate it. Sometimes I love it's softness and the curls when I care for it. But I think most of the time I don't really think about it. It's just hair. Just my skin.
I'm not sure if I always love myself but I'm definitely getting there - this past year thanks to friends, self realisations and a health scare I'm far kinder to me.skim.
Like beginning to love my body is helping me lose weight. I can see it in my face, my back. And when I'm feeling better about myself, things fall in to place more easily. So I'm actively trying to nurture feeling good, banishing the lesser and working on loving myself.
Definitely a work in progress; I'm a bit of a twunt! But I'm proud of how far I've come for the most part. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Another thoughtful thread from you, Pickle.
I don't love any part of myself and I'm not trying to change that. I just don't recognise that for myself. I am trying to be kinder and less critical of myself - catching the times when I'm overly harsh. I'm recovering from depression so I imagine this is affecting my outlook at present, but I have never tried to love myself. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I don't actually know how to write it but I am such a changed man over the last few years!
I literally locked myself away in a bedroom for days and took myself back to my childhood to find where the problems began, I then had to work out how to change my mindset and become who I am today.
It was a horrible time, but I am now who I am today and that is a much better person!"
Hello gorgeous, changed man! Nice to read you here. I’m glad you have managed to work through what you have worked through and become a better person! It sounds like a unique way to do it but I’m glad it worked |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"
I still struggle but I look at myself as soft and warm and inviting rather than society’s image of fat (i.e. unsexy). It makes me feel desirable.
I continue to tell myself my brain is an asshole that tries to trick me and that I am worthy of being loved. My voice is valid and I am seen.
If none of this works I allow myself to be gentle and kind to my mind and body until I’m strong enough to know my worth again "
Reframing is such a great way to get out of these negative cycles of thoughts about ourselves. You seem soft and warm from what I’ve read of you though I think you were implying physically haha. It’s really good that you’re able to do these things to get through. I hope you see how wonderful you are, ALL THE TIME, but I’m glad that until that day you are prepared well for dealing with the less positive thoughts and times! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I’ve had some big pain & challenges in life but loving myself hasn’t really been one.
Never felt the need to worry about or dwell on things that I can’t change or of no significance to other people that matter me (skin colour, race, size, shape, big nose etc) .
If they do matter to some people , then I don’t care as those people don’t matter to me. Good people don’t care about these things.
But I will focus on changing those parts of me I can change and need changing - attitude, character, diet, use of alcohol/dr*gs, lifestyle, friendship group etc and I won’t accept them abd love myself if I believe them to be wrong, I’ll give myself a good talking to until I change "
It’s lovely that you’ve been able to get through without giving those things too much power over you. That’s incredibly good for you and that makes me happy. You’re right, people that care about that stuff don’t matter, though I think for some people, it’s us that cares about that stuff and that’s what the struggle is, not making other people love that stuff about us; loving that stuff about us for ourselves |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I once loved myself or at least like myself a lot i was a winner a champion but what makes a man is how he handles loss and failure and because of that and they way i take losing i mainly hate myself being a failure and weak willed at the times i needed to be strongest so i constantly punish myself for it everytime i start to feel something going good i remind myself of my mission and sabotage it thats who i am now so be it |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Skin colour + heritage. Spent a lot of years whitewashing myself, until I realised parts of my culture can be beautiful.
Next step is actually visiting that country. I know it would be hard because I have such different morals and values as the people there (incl my family who live there) so I would be scared for my safety. Maybe when I'm older and have learned to be a little less stubborn.
Timber, I just need to be so real for a second. Seeing you on this app, you beautiful person, is so wonderful to me. And seeing you talk about the things you do is so nice. But also, I feel like you speak on things that make me feel seen. As I wrote this I thought about skin colour (but didn’t want to because I know how that goes). I still struggle sometimes, allowing myself to see beauty in my skin which is hard because I see it others with the same skin colour as me. Idk it’s a lot and that’s a journey I’m struggling through. But, hey, you, you’re so great and yeah. I hope you can go to visit that country but don’t worry about being stubborn. In this case stubbornness may be good. "
Oh Steve
It's a funny one because I was born in an incredibly white area in the countryside, and even after moving to the UK I had predominantly white friends growing up, and always felt so "other". What also didn't help was all the "no but where are your ANCESTORS from..?" shit that always came up when meeting new people.
It wasn't until after uni when I was out in the real world and working with people who are fully *insert ethnicity here* that they were then making me feel I was too white, and were patronisingly surprised when I understood their cultural references. It was shitty but also made me realise I'd maybe been taking my heritage for granted, as not being seen as part of that group was actually making me sad, where I'd spent my entire adolescence trying to renounce it. So I get where you're coming from in seeing the beauty of it when it comes to others but not yourself.
You are beautiful though. Trust me bro |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Skin colour + heritage. Spent a lot of years whitewashing myself, until I realised parts of my culture can be beautiful.
Next step is actually visiting that country. I know it would be hard because I have such different morals and values as the people there (incl my family who live there) so I would be scared for my safety. Maybe when I'm older and have learned to be a little less stubborn.
Timber, I just need to be so real for a second. Seeing you on this app, you beautiful person, is so wonderful to me. And seeing you talk about the things you do is so nice. But also, I feel like you speak on things that make me feel seen. As I wrote this I thought about skin colour (but didn’t want to because I know how that goes). I still struggle sometimes, allowing myself to see beauty in my skin which is hard because I see it others with the same skin colour as me. Idk it’s a lot and that’s a journey I’m struggling through. But, hey, you, you’re so great and yeah. I hope you can go to visit that country but don’t worry about being stubborn. In this case stubbornness may be good. "
Also meant to say, in this case stubbornness is definitely bad lmao I'd like to get home with my head still attached to my body kthx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Skin colour + heritage. Spent a lot of years whitewashing myself, until I realised parts of my culture can be beautiful.
Next step is actually visiting that country. I know it would be hard because I have such different morals and values as the people there (incl my family who live there) so I would be scared for my safety. Maybe when I'm older and have learned to be a little less stubborn.
Timber, I just need to be so real for a second. Seeing you on this app, you beautiful person, is so wonderful to me. And seeing you talk about the things you do is so nice. But also, I feel like you speak on things that make me feel seen. As I wrote this I thought about skin colour (but didn’t want to because I know how that goes). I still struggle sometimes, allowing myself to see beauty in my skin which is hard because I see it others with the same skin colour as me. Idk it’s a lot and that’s a journey I’m struggling through. But, hey, you, you’re so great and yeah. I hope you can go to visit that country but don’t worry about being stubborn. In this case stubbornness may be good.
Oh Steve
It's a funny one because I was born in an incredibly white area in the countryside, and even after moving to the UK I had predominantly white friends growing up, and always felt so "other". What also didn't help was all the "no but where are your ANCESTORS from..?" shit that always came up when meeting new people.
It wasn't until after uni when I was out in the real world and working with people who are fully *insert ethnicity here* that they were then making me feel I was too white, and were patronisingly surprised when I understood their cultural references. It was shitty but also made me realise I'd maybe been taking my heritage for granted, as not being seen as part of that group was actually making me sad, where I'd spent my entire adolescence trying to renounce it. So I get where you're coming from in seeing the beauty of it when it comes to others but not yourself.
You are beautiful though. Trust me bro "
I can’t describe just how much I understand this! Sending lots of love |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Loving my personality and learning to be myself. I've always been scared of just being myself when meeting new people I always wanted to make a good impression and I thought the way to do this was to be as straight laced as possible and not engaging much and as a result, it's been hard to make friends.
What I've learned though is people actually like my personality when they get to know me so there's no reason to hide it to start with. It's really helped my confidence in new situations |
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By *ohn KanakaMan
over a year ago
Not all that North of North London |
"Because of the physically, emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship I had with my parents I have long struggled to believe I am loveable or even likeable.
I'm not sure I'll ever completely come to terms with it, I have a very patient partner and some close friends who dint shy away from reminding me of my worth and I just remind myself their voices are more valid than the ones inside my head
You, my friend, are a gorgeous man. I’ve seen you on the forums a few times and it sucks to read that you lived through this and still do. But it makes me immensely happy to hear about the support from the patient people around you. It’s tough. I know that myself. But I hope you can see how gorgeous you are, like people tell you. I think the moments of doubt are normal, probably even more so if attached to trauma (though I’m no psychologist) but I think it’s important to remind yourself that the way people saw you then and treated you as a result, is not a reflection of your worth, that’s their problems that they’ve projected onto you, not your problems. "
Thank you, they are beautiful and kind words.
I have complex PTSD, so yes the the doubt (its a lot more than doubt) is an inevitability, I've also been road i may have a paranoid personality order which again makes doubt inevitably. Oh an the zen diagram of them 2 and my very late autism diagnosis is fairly circular! |
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By *ohn KanakaMan
over a year ago
Not all that North of North London |
"Because of the physically, emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship I had with my parents I have long struggled to believe I am loveable or even likeable.
I'm not sure I'll ever completely come to terms with it, I have a very patient partner and some close friends who dint shy away from reminding me of my worth and I just remind myself their voices are more valid than the ones inside my head
I feel you.
My mother told me she'd break my nose one day more than she said she loved me.
She was an alcoholic, always trying to get me in trouble with my dad.
Wasn't until I was about 26 or 27 he believed me after she came at me with a knife then cut her wrist "
My heart goes out to you, it's shit isn't it?
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"I once loved myself or at least like myself a lot i was a winner a champion but what makes a man is how he handles loss and failure and because of that and they way i take losing i mainly hate myself being a failure and weak willed at the times i needed to be strongest so i constantly punish myself for it everytime i start to feel something going good i remind myself of my mission and sabotage it thats who i am now so be it"
This is such a tough thing to unlearn, I’d imagine even more so as a man due to unrealistic societal expectations. Brené Brown writes a lot about our relationship with shame or failure, some of her writing might be of interest to you. X |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm not sure you know. It's a work in progress. I have parts of myself that will always be there, and I know they'll never change. I know anxiety and depression will always play a huge part in my life and define who I am in a way.
I've noticed a big change in myself and my confidence over the last couple of years. I truly believe being kind to yourself and not beating yourself up makes the world of a difference when it comes to getting better and being more accepting of yourself. But no, I am not there yet. But slow progress is happening.
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"I don't think I do love the parts of me that I can't change. Even if I lost weight, my saggy tummy apron would remain. I definitely do not love my wonky and defective pelvis, hips, leg, undercarriage etc. My boobs sag horribly and it's a struggle to do anything to make them feel attractive to me.
What stops me really hating my appearance is knowing Mr KC adores me and loves all my bits and pieces. I know he doesn't like the fact that bits of me are falling to pieces but still loves all of me. He likes squishing my chubby bits and loves my boobs.
I've tried to beef up my upper body to take away from the car crash below the waist (and to just be strong) so I'm now a strange split of solid muscle and brawn the top and saggy mess at the bottom
I like my blue eyes though "
Update: yeah, I hate myself. My disability at least. I've just had to stop wheelchair basketball training because I lent forward to catch the ball and my fucking useless, stupid pelvis crunched and now I'm in absolutely agony and have no fucking idea how I'll make it upstairs when I get home. I honestly don't know why I bother  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Skin colour + heritage. Spent a lot of years whitewashing myself, until I realised parts of my culture can be beautiful.
Next step is actually visiting that country. I know it would be hard because I have such different morals and values as the people there (incl my family who live there) so I would be scared for my safety. Maybe when I'm older and have learned to be a little less stubborn.
Timber, I just need to be so real for a second. Seeing you on this app, you beautiful person, is so wonderful to me. And seeing you talk about the things you do is so nice. But also, I feel like you speak on things that make me feel seen. As I wrote this I thought about skin colour (but didn’t want to because I know how that goes). I still struggle sometimes, allowing myself to see beauty in my skin which is hard because I see it others with the same skin colour as me. Idk it’s a lot and that’s a journey I’m struggling through. But, hey, you, you’re so great and yeah. I hope you can go to visit that country but don’t worry about being stubborn. In this case stubbornness may be good.
Oh Steve
It's a funny one because I was born in an incredibly white area in the countryside, and even after moving to the UK I had predominantly white friends growing up, and always felt so "other". What also didn't help was all the "no but where are your ANCESTORS from..?" shit that always came up when meeting new people.
It wasn't until after uni when I was out in the real world and working with people who are fully *insert ethnicity here* that they were then making me feel I was too white, and were patronisingly surprised when I understood their cultural references. It was shitty but also made me realise I'd maybe been taking my heritage for granted, as not being seen as part of that group was actually making me sad, where I'd spent my entire adolescence trying to renounce it. So I get where you're coming from in seeing the beauty of it when it comes to others but not yourself.
You are beautiful though. Trust me bro
I can’t describe just how much I understand this! Sending lots of love "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Loving my personality and learning to be myself. I've always been scared of just being myself when meeting new people I always wanted to make a good impression and I thought the way to do this was to be as straight laced as possible and not engaging much and as a result, it's been hard to make friends.
What I've learned though is people actually like my personality when they get to know me so there's no reason to hide it to start with. It's really helped my confidence in new situations "
Your personality shines through here, FH. I'm so glad to read this. |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
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"Life is for living and grabbing as much joy from it as you can.
If all your time and energy is spent looking down and in instead of out and up, you're denying yourself that"
I would agree with this. Don't get me wrong, I love a good bit of navel gazing. Course I do. But you end up missing out on so much by overthinking. I do. So maybe just live and stop thinking too much about it.
Having typed this I'm off to send a message. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I don't think I do love the parts of me that I can't change. Even if I lost weight, my saggy tummy apron would remain. I definitely do not love my wonky and defective pelvis, hips, leg, undercarriage etc. My boobs sag horribly and it's a struggle to do anything to make them feel attractive to me.
What stops me really hating my appearance is knowing Mr KC adores me and loves all my bits and pieces. I know he doesn't like the fact that bits of me are falling to pieces but still loves all of me. He likes squishing my chubby bits and loves my boobs.
I've tried to beef up my upper body to take away from the car crash below the waist (and to just be strong) so I'm now a strange split of solid muscle and brawn the top and saggy mess at the bottom
I like my blue eyes though
Update: yeah, I hate myself. My disability at least. I've just had to stop wheelchair basketball training because I lent forward to catch the ball and my fucking useless, stupid pelvis crunched and now I'm in absolutely agony and have no fucking idea how I'll make it upstairs when I get home. I honestly don't know why I bother "
Oh no! I'm so sorry, when you've had so much pain already. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Loving my personality and learning to be myself. I've always been scared of just being myself when meeting new people I always wanted to make a good impression and I thought the way to do this was to be as straight laced as possible and not engaging much and as a result, it's been hard to make friends.
What I've learned though is people actually like my personality when they get to know me so there's no reason to hide it to start with. It's really helped my confidence in new situations
Your personality shines through here, FH. I'm so glad to read this. "
Thank you for saying that I still don't think I've fully accepted not being everyone's cup of tea because part of me being reserved was so as not to leave a bad impression on anyone but hopefully I can learn to live with that in future |
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Reading all this makes me see tht u do have to love ur self and since things have happen with mother of my children iv become really a shame of my body an think to myself tht its not good enough an if I'm ever good enough its hard for a man to say yes iv cried an almost ended it this is about the health of ur own mind an tht u do have battles everyday just know tht ur not on ur own there is always someone there who is willing to talk an listen to you |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
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"Loving my personality and learning to be myself. I've always been scared of just being myself when meeting new people I always wanted to make a good impression and I thought the way to do this was to be as straight laced as possible and not engaging much and as a result, it's been hard to make friends.
What I've learned though is people actually like my personality when they get to know me so there's no reason to hide it to start with. It's really helped my confidence in new situations
Your personality shines through here, FH. I'm so glad to read this.
Thank you for saying that I still don't think I've fully accepted not being everyone's cup of tea because part of me being reserved was so as not to leave a bad impression on anyone but hopefully I can learn to live with that in future "
It's easier said than done but try and remember people do genuinely like your personality; you're fantastic to spend time with.
And fuck being everyone's cup of tea. Fuck it. It's so bloody dreary trying to please everyone and you end up not pleasing anyone because you're not being you.
You, all of you with the blushing and quick jokes and self doubt and many, many other things? That's more than good enough. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Loving yourself, like hating yourself, is far too easy. What matters is how you love others, and how they love (or hate) you. Life is dialogue, not monologue. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Loving my personality and learning to be myself. I've always been scared of just being myself when meeting new people I always wanted to make a good impression and I thought the way to do this was to be as straight laced as possible and not engaging much and as a result, it's been hard to make friends.
What I've learned though is people actually like my personality when they get to know me so there's no reason to hide it to start with. It's really helped my confidence in new situations
Your personality shines through here, FH. I'm so glad to read this.
Thank you for saying that I still don't think I've fully accepted not being everyone's cup of tea because part of me being reserved was so as not to leave a bad impression on anyone but hopefully I can learn to live with that in future "
 oh I'm a little older and I still find it hard when some people don't like me. It's never water off a duck's back. But being the authentic you is worth it. |
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"Hmm it's a tough thing to do. My brain is my own worst enemy. It works differently to others and that has led to frustration, severe depression and much self hatred. I still get bouts of hating how it all works, but I'm more accepting of how I tick. And appreciate that it also a source of many good things.
Think it's a tough thing to do and you've got to really want to do it for you to succeed.
The thing is, Frida, forgive me for assuming this is you, you have such a beautiful mind! I’ve seen it flexing on here many times. But I know that living with it is probably not easy if it causes all the things you’ve mentioned. I think a part of accepting and loving your mind, when it’s different to many other people’s is understanding it. Understanding it, learning it, knowing it. And also getting others to do that as well. Being seen by people. And understood. That’s important. Bless you on this journey! "
Yep Frida here with the waffle. My brain is what it is, sometimes it's good to me others it is not. Try and focus and the good bits whilst working on the bad. Understood is probably a bit difficult for others. And that is something I've kinda given up on, but it makes me happier as it unfair to expect others to understand me when I don't always understand myself |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I once loved myself or at least like myself a lot i was a winner a champion but what makes a man is how he handles loss and failure and because of that and they way i take losing i mainly hate myself being a failure and weak willed at the times i needed to be strongest so i constantly punish myself for it everytime i start to feel something going good i remind myself of my mission and sabotage it thats who i am now so be it
This is such a tough thing to unlearn, I’d imagine even more so as a man due to unrealistic societal expectations. Brené Brown writes a lot about our relationship with shame or failure, some of her writing might be of interest to you. X"
naaaa im alright im not one for reading or taking advise i prefer it this was it gives my losses a meaning its kind of my default mode im used to it i use it as tackling fuel helps me to put my body on the line without fear of pain or injury i make it serve me in other ways i can push harder for longer than i was ever willing to do before its part of why im the fittest iv been in 15 years 1 positive to come out of things is im in the best shape iv been in a long long time |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I think, for most people, it will always be a work in progress. The day I think "hell yeah, I'm so fucking awesome!" is the day I stop growing and evolving.
The best method I've come across to help me accept the aspects of my personality I struggled with was reparenting. When I feel shame (it's usually shame), worthlessness, guilt etc. I visualise a little girl in need of care and safety. I hug her, tuck her up in bed with her favourite teddy and stroke her hair while she falls asleep. It was easy to do as my youngest was a toddler at the time I first attempted this, so those feelings of love and nurturing were there in abundance for him. I just needed to transfer some of it to that little girl.
That said, I've had 3 breakdowns since that time. A combination of autistic burnout and the baggage from childhood trauma. There's always work to be done."
Nell, God you’re amazing! I have heard much about re parenting and I’m glad that it helped you.
There’s always lots of work to be done you’re right but I have to say that you’re definitely doing your best and that’s good enough. You’re wonderful and I hope you know that. The work is worth it if you see how beautiful you really are inside and out |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I like some stuff about myself, such as the way I’ll always find humour in life.
Love? I love very little about myself because it’s hard to. But I have hope.
^there you are, I love the fact I am always hopeful. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I don't think I do love the parts of me that I can't change. Even if I lost weight, my saggy tummy apron would remain. I definitely do not love my wonky and defective pelvis, hips, leg, undercarriage etc. My boobs sag horribly and it's a struggle to do anything to make them feel attractive to me.
What stops me really hating my appearance is knowing Mr KC adores me and loves all my bits and pieces. I know he doesn't like the fact that bits of me are falling to pieces but still loves all of me. He likes squishing my chubby bits and loves my boobs.
I've tried to beef up my upper body to take away from the car crash below the waist (and to just be strong) so I'm now a strange split of solid muscle and brawn the top and saggy mess at the bottom
I like my blue eyes though
Update: yeah, I hate myself. My disability at least. I've just had to stop wheelchair basketball training because I lent forward to catch the ball and my fucking useless, stupid pelvis crunched and now I'm in absolutely agony and have no fucking idea how I'll make it upstairs when I get home. I honestly don't know why I bother "
Oh Mrs KC, it’s so hard reading this because you’re so so wonderful and perfect in so many ways. I think the things we can’t help, loving those things, are definitely made easier by partners that love us loudly. I am so glad you have Mr KC. He’s a gem. But staying to you, I think it’s really important not to be angry with yourself or your body even when it lets you down or feel like it lets you down. It’s a journey. Like people have said. You’re on it and I hope you get there you’re a special person. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"There's definitely something in the air today isn't there? I'm not sure if the changing season has resulted in more introspection; perhaps people have more time and headspace to sit and think, really think about things.
So... loving myself in particular parts I can't change.
Yes, I think I do. I actually love my fusion of heritages. My skin colour. My hair? Well... I don't hate it. Sometimes I love it's softness and the curls when I care for it. But I think most of the time I don't really think about it. It's just hair. Just my skin.
I'm not sure if I always love myself but I'm definitely getting there - this past year thanks to friends, self realisations and a health scare I'm far kinder to me.skim.
Like beginning to love my body is helping me lose weight. I can see it in my face, my back. And when I'm feeling better about myself, things fall in to place more easily. So I'm actively trying to nurture feeling good, banishing the lesser and working on loving myself.
Definitely a work in progress; I'm a bit of a twunt! But I'm proud of how far I've come for the most part. "
Meli, there’s nothing I can tell you to express how gorgeous you are that I haven’t already told you so forgive me if you’ve heard it before.
But you are so beautiful inside and out. I hope you love your mind like we all do. And I hope you love your skin and your hair. They’re perfect. I love that you love your body more and more and yes! I imagine it definitely does make things easier in terms of losing weight and making changes. You are just
Thank you. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Another thoughtful thread from you, Pickle.
I don't love any part of myself and I'm not trying to change that. I just don't recognise that for myself. I am trying to be kinder and less critical of myself - catching the times when I'm overly harsh. I'm recovering from depression so I imagine this is affecting my outlook at present, but I have never tried to love myself. "
Love yourself, you beautiful soul. Like we love you. And I know many do!
The thing is, the things we can’t change are the hardest to accept I think. Because you’re stuck with them. But let me tell you, you’re so so good! To me and I’m sure too many others. That mind, it’s a pain in the arse at times I’m sure, depression kicks our arses, but it’s one of our favourite things about you. Maybe you won’t love yourself, maybe you don’t want to, don’t need to, but you are loved |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Wow. Some people have been on such immense and difficult journeys. Massive respect to all of you.
The last 5 years or so have been really important journey for me in many ways. Especially finally coming to terms with being bi. Took me along time to get there and its still ongoing in many small ways. But it feels good to be true to myself.
Besides that, just loving my body more really. Ive had stretch marks since i was a teen and never used to be comfy with how curvy i am. It took a lot of effort but i can now look in the mirror and like what i see. Even if i still would like to loose some lockdown weight, i can finally take pictures and think they look sexy….even if i still have my off days where my thighs are concerned,
Also exploring what i want as a sexual creature. Becoming open to trying new things and not being afraid to say what i want (Still working on that last one).
I think self acceptance is a long journey for all of us, And not an easy one at times. But its one worth taking.
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By *ancer36Woman
over a year ago
Stirling |
To be honest the sooner you learn to give less of a fuck about what others think of you and start listening to yourself the better.
We all have things we want to achieve and we all have habits of putting them off - of listening to that voice in our heads, the negative comments from unsupportive friends or family members that we think we need to keep around us when really there adding no value.
For me it’s been a long learning curve - my father has been absent from my life since the age of nine when he decided he didn’t need to see me anymore - the turmoil, angst, hatred and unanswered questions made me quite a troublesome teenager - forever questioning why I wasn’t enough. That coupled with some bad relationship choices made me a complete shadow of a person, I had zero confidence and scrutinised every inch of my body and personality until one day I thought enough is enough, I started to focus on the positives in my life, write down my goals, get back out and meet people who made me smile again and slowly I realised that the lack of love from someone wasn’t the problem it was the lack of love for myself.
Thankfully I am in a far better place, surrounded by wonderful people and I’ve made a good life for myself - I’m pretty proud of me x
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"I don't think I do love the parts of me that I can't change. Even if I lost weight, my saggy tummy apron would remain. I definitely do not love my wonky and defective pelvis, hips, leg, undercarriage etc. My boobs sag horribly and it's a struggle to do anything to make them feel attractive to me.
What stops me really hating my appearance is knowing Mr KC adores me and loves all my bits and pieces. I know he doesn't like the fact that bits of me are falling to pieces but still loves all of me. He likes squishing my chubby bits and loves my boobs.
I've tried to beef up my upper body to take away from the car crash below the waist (and to just be strong) so I'm now a strange split of solid muscle and brawn the top and saggy mess at the bottom
I like my blue eyes though
Update: yeah, I hate myself. My disability at least. I've just had to stop wheelchair basketball training because I lent forward to catch the ball and my fucking useless, stupid pelvis crunched and now I'm in absolutely agony and have no fucking idea how I'll make it upstairs when I get home. I honestly don't know why I bother
Oh Mrs KC, it’s so hard reading this because you’re so so wonderful and perfect in so many ways. I think the things we can’t help, loving those things, are definitely made easier by partners that love us loudly. I am so glad you have Mr KC. He’s a gem. But staying to you, I think it’s really important not to be angry with yourself or your body even when it lets you down or feel like it lets you down. It’s a journey. Like people have said. You’re on it and I hope you get there you’re a special person. "
Thank you, Steve. Stephen. Steve-o. Thank you. I feel like I'm falling to bits today, but I'm pushing on. I've been sat on my plum in interviews all morning. In agony, but put my work face on. I really want to Parkrun in the morning but might have to sit it out.... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Another thoughtful thread from you, Pickle.
I don't love any part of myself and I'm not trying to change that. I just don't recognise that for myself. I am trying to be kinder and less critical of myself - catching the times when I'm overly harsh. I'm recovering from depression so I imagine this is affecting my outlook at present, but I have never tried to love myself.
Love yourself, you beautiful soul. Like we love you. And I know many do!
The thing is, the things we can’t change are the hardest to accept I think. Because you’re stuck with them. But let me tell you, you’re so so good! To me and I’m sure too many others. That mind, it’s a pain in the arse at times I’m sure, depression kicks our arses, but it’s one of our favourite things about you. Maybe you won’t love yourself, maybe you don’t want to, don’t need to, but you are loved "
You get an extra big hug from me when we meet up for that! I'm in awe at the amount of positive energy from you towards everyone in this thread. That's very rare, ya know? It's a special person who can give out so much to others over and over. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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For me, skin colour was always a huge thing I used to hate about myself. And hair. I wasn’t gonna talk about those things in this thread but some of you beautiful people have made this space safe enough for me to.
Growing up I used to wish I could spike my hair because I hated the way it curled. I used to hate my dark skin. I used to hate being in the sun because I’d get darker etc etc.
A big thing for me was going to a secondary school full of kids that looked like me unlike my prep school before that. Uni really took that away from me. Some traumatic racist experiences but what’s been really key to my learning to love myself again has been finding the beauty in other Black people, especially Black men. Learning to love and appreciate people that look like me, again. I see gorgeous Black men and I see myself. I see that the people that are desirable look like me. In primary school everyone had a crush on people that looked nothing like me. How could I feel desirable. That realisation that actually the Black men and women in this world are desirable too has been so important to loving my skin colour, which I can’t change.
In terms of loving my hair, I grew it out. That was really all it took. Learning to do it. To do styles with it. That was important I think.
Anyway love you beautiful people |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My weight. I had a very bad back injury after a fall 8 years ago. I couldnt walk or stand for more then 10 minutes without excruciating pain. I piled on the weight and got really down about everything which led to piling on more weight. I have seen so many specialists, doctors etc and no one helped. Last November I met with a fabulous osteopath who has worked on me since and has me almost like a new woman. The weight is slowly starting to fall off and I'm starting to not feel so shitty about everything. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It’s not easy when so many want to tear you down
Very few get the real me but I love myself when I’m comfortable and feel safe with someone and can be me without being judged, I have a warm energy  |
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