FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Is it right to swing whilst grieving
Is it right to swing whilst grieving
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Just wondering what people feel about this subjectWhatever feels right for the person greiving."
Some may use it as a distraction or escape, others will make the steps at their own pace. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"i just want some normality, is that wrong"
If it feels right then it is right - for you. Nobody should make you feel guilty for not respecting a certain amount of time as each person may consider a different amount of time has to pass to show the correct level of respect. |
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"Just wondering what people feel about this subject"
Do what feels right for you - its a British trait to worry about what other people think more than what you think yourself. Thats not a personal attack on you, we all do it, sub-consciously. I used to do it a lot, but am erring more towards doing what pleases me first. If other people dont like it, I dont let it bother me. We are all different and deal with different emotions in different ways, more people are accepting that in the diverse nation we are now in, so definitely go for it if it makes you feel good. |
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By *evilwolfCouple
over a year ago
Leicestershire |
I think if it works for you, then like's been said go for it.
Personally I wouldn't be in a good place and would have some time off, much like I did earlier this year when I lost someone close. Everyone's different, so there's no wrong or right.
Wolf
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Don't get me wrong, It's not like it happened yesterday. Lost my daughter just over 10 months ago, feels like it just happened this minute. Guess it will always feel like that, and i wouldn't feel right if it didn't feel like that ... but....I want and need my life to feel like it needs living. Over the last few months Ive had some great times and then woke up and felt Ive done wrong.Part of me tells me to distance myself from this but I know she wouldn't me to change. Guess I'm
just fighting demons maybe fighting my morals too |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
Forum Mod |
I would really love it if people could just respect other people on here and understand thats what right for one person may not be right for someone else without having to be downright nasty about it
Ive removed posts if you wonder where yours may have gone |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I would really love it if people could just respect other people on here and understand thats what right for one person may not be right for someone else without having to be downright nasty about it
Ive removed posts if you wonder where yours may have gone"
a lady friend of mine on fab revieled she has breast cancer, other friends held a party for her before her operation, i cudnt bring myself to go to that party bcus i was expected to have fun with her, who knows maybe for the last time ??????? cudnt get my head round it and gave the farewell party a miss, now im the bad boy who spoilt the nite and everyones blocking me, right or wrong ?  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Don't get me wrong, It's not like it happened yesterday. Lost my daughter just over 10 months ago, feels like it just happened this minute. Guess it will always feel like that, and i wouldn't feel right if it didn't feel like that ... but....I want and need my life to feel like it needs living. Over the last few months Ive had some great times and then woke up and felt Ive done wrong.Part of me tells me to distance myself from this but I know she wouldn't me to change. Guess I'm
just fighting demons maybe fighting my morals too "
Really sorry to hear of your loss, it must be terribly hard for you, 10 months isn't a long time and you have lost someone very close to you!
Only the both of you can decide whether swinging whilst your still grieving is right or not! Do what you both feel is right. |
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A few years ago Angie's dad passed away. When the call came in as you'd expect she was devastated and just cried for an hour or two. Then she composed herself, phoned her mother and make arrangements to go to her mothers to help with the arrangements. All pretty standard stuff.
After the funeral people asked in a solemn and quiet tone, "and how was the funeral?"... The answer...
'The funeral was great, it was a really nice day, all the people that mattered were there. There were some great jokes that he would have been laughing his head of at and everyone clapped, cheered, laughed, smiled as he went through the curtains to the theme tune of 633 Squadron'.
Any outsider looking in might think it appalling, after all it was a funeral not a party but the point is this. NO ONE was pleased to see him go, quite the opposite in fact but everyone was there to celebrate a LIFE not DEATH and we all know the man in question wouldn't have wanted it any other way.
So bollocks to what anyone else thinks, we did it his way, our way, for him and us and that's all there is to it.
To the OP... you do it YOUR WAY, what's right for YOU, because that is the only right way
One thing is 100% certain, Angie's dad only ever wanted here to be happy. He would be horrified if he thought his daughter spent all her time grieving his death, he would NEVER want that.
So a question for you OP... how long would your daughter want you to grieve and feel guilty when you're not consumed with grief?
My parents died more than 35 years ago and I still miss them. Angie will miss her dad for the rest of her life too. You will miss your daughter for the rest of your life... and that's what helps make other peoples short lives so much more meaningful and worthwhile its the greatest respect you can give.
If you are alive then LIVE, if not then the rest of us can envy you the greatest sleep anyone ever gets while we miss you.
Best wishes to you. |
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I second that.... Deaths never good Ive lost friends,mum,dad,sister a 14 month old nefew (to cancer) Youll always feel the paon in your heart.....
Lifes for the living though so as I and others have said go for it |
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"I would really love it if people could just respect other people on here and understand thats what right for one person may not be right for someone else without having to be downright nasty about it
Ive removed posts if you wonder where yours may have gonea lady friend of mine on fab revieled she has breast cancer, other friends held a party for her before her operation, i cudnt bring myself to go to that party bcus i was expected to have fun with her, who knows maybe for the last time ??????? cudnt get my head round it and gave the farewell party a miss, now im the bad boy who spoilt the nite and everyones blocking me, right or wrong ? "
That was rather negative of you.. I just had a breast cancer op and treatment all be it just radiotherapy but Im not going anywhere .. I sure it wasnt a farewell party just something to cheer her up.
crikey dont need friends like you thinking we all gonna peg it anytime soon  |
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I think sometimes its good ask others opinions but at the end of the day it's about what feels right for you!! Your still living and I'm certain no one expects you to put your life on hold!! You've lost a child so no one more than you understands that life deals out shit so enjoy what you've got and and don't be ruled by what you had no control over!! |
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By *ister PlayMan
over a year ago
Warwickshire / Birmingham |
What do you think the departed lived one would want? Was swinging a lifestyle you shared? Would that person want you to do what makes you happy? Does swinging still make you happy? Would they want you to change your life or put it on hold?
This might sound a bit weird, but when my loved one died, I stopped wanking. Yes, it does found weird, even I recognise that  But the reason I did was because I felt guilty that they might see me from heaven (or wherever) and think that I wasn't missing them if I was getting horny!
That is, of course, nonsense. I know it now, but when you're grieving, you're much more emotionally fragile.
What I'd say is - does it make you happy? Would your missed loved one want you to be happy?
Best of luck with whatever you decide. Just remember - you miss them cos you love them. And if you love them, then you and they were lucky. God bless you
Xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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On the day my dad died I sat around his bed in the hospice with my grandparents, aunt, uncle and mum. We were watching him die very slowly and after a while my aunt stood up walked out of the room and came back with a glass of whiskey each. We drank it and told stories about times my dad had been d*unk and we laughed. I suddenly shouted stop. I felt it was wrong then my aunt said "the number of times I carried him upstairs d*unk & held his hand as he was sick... no this is appropriate" we got some funny looks from the other patients that day. But it felt right. Whatever feels right for you is right. There is no book on dealing with grief. It's horrible and painful and every other superlative in between but you do what you have to to get through.
Big hugs to the OP Xxx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Don't get me wrong, It's not like it happened yesterday. Lost my daughter just over 10 months ago, feels like it just happened this minute. Guess it will always feel like that, and i wouldn't feel right if it didn't feel like that ... but....I want and need my life to feel like it needs living. Over the last few months Ive had some great times and then woke up and felt Ive done wrong.Part of me tells me to distance myself from this but I know she wouldn't me to change. Guess I'm
just fighting demons maybe fighting my morals too "
You will always feel it but it becomes easier to live with lost my daughter just over 16 yrs ago, time heals however sadly very slowly, sex is a great place to lose yourself in and I would recommend it from a personal aspect it was the one place I could almost forget completely xxxx it does get better and if you wanna chat a shoulder to cry on, even someone to scream at gimme a shout |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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We all deal with it differently, whatever you find solace in is worth doing. Grief is one of those things that you cannot put a timescale on or rules to adhere too. X |
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We all turn to something to prop us up when we're grieving. Sex is great when we're low and in need of comfort.
Just be careful that it doesn't take over. It's easy to slip into bad behaviours when our usual judgement is elsewhere.
Someone close to me struggled to sleep after a loss so started having a nightcap. It became two or three and then half a bottle. Every night. He managed to take control back and learn to sleep without the alcohol, but for a time it looked like he was dependant.
What I'm trying to say is yes, enjoy swinging and sex (not necessarily in that order). But don't let it be your only comfort.
Perhaps clubs (don't know if you already go) are a good idea as they are social as well as sexual. Club friendships can surprise and delight in more ways than a sexual release.
Whatever you do you are in my (and it seems many others) thoughts and if I could reach I'd be giving you a huge hug and telling you it never gets easier, just easier to bear. And that more people understand than you realise.
With love. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think it depends on the relationship; 2 years ago my children's father passed away, whilst we hadn't been together for 17 yrs, it was an upsetting time for them and whilst I still logged on here I didn't arrange any meets as I didn't want to and didn't feel it appropriate to do so. However the support I got was lovely and helped me feel comfortable about the situation.
If however it had been someone close ie parent, brother or one of my children, I would have hidden my profile and stayed away until I felt comfortable about returning. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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so sorry for your loss.about ur question iv read that part of the grieving proccess is wanting to have sex.when u know a life has gone u want 2 create another,thus ppl want 2 hav sex when grieving.hope it helps a little.mr.c |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It all depends on your emotional stability on the day.
All those people that say time heals all wounds, turns out they are right. the pain never goes away but 15 years after my wife died, I can say that the time it takes to recover from a down moment is much less, 5 minutes instead of 5 days. So now I am happily married again and can safely go to a swing club or anywhere else and know if a trigger happens e.g. piece of music we shared, hell even someone wearing her perfume now I can just go a bit quiet and distant for a few minutes then be right back again, where for the first few years I would have needed to leave at least the room, but probably the event.
Swinging and grief have nothing to do with each other, but if grief takes over your entire life then that is a problem for em for a while it was whiskey before leaving bed in the morning then anti-depressants, still not sure which was worse on my children.
Do what feels right today, try not to feel any guilt that is not helpful. Try also to avoid 1 on 1 meets as you may not want to on the night, that's easier to handle in clubs.
Time will help, not stop anything but you learn to control the pain. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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We lost someone close to us over a year ago that was closer to us than our own family.
We also had a close shave with our youngest who pulled through but it was a seriously worrying time.
It all happened at more or less the same time, not only that I was going through a rough time and Mrs Artful was getting over another berievement.
We just stopped playing as we were having to deal with all of the above and with the everyday things as well.
If ever there was a time we could have done with a change of scene or an escape it was then, trouble was, we just didn't have it in us and lost our mojo so to speak.
The person who lost his partner (our closest friend) did the oposite to us, he got himself together, grabbed life by the balls and jumped in with both feet and is doing well and started playing the field.
Different circumstances will bring out different actions and reactions in people, do what you feel is right for you, find a balance and enjoy life, we may not get another chance.
Hope all goes well for you and all concerned. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Don't get me wrong, It's not like it happened yesterday. Lost my daughter just over 10 months ago, feels like it just happened this minute. Guess it will always feel like that, and i wouldn't feel right if it didn't feel like that ... but....I want and need my life to feel like it needs living. Over the last few months Ive had some great times and then woke up and felt Ive done wrong.Part of me tells me to distance myself from this but I know she wouldn't me to change. Guess I'm
just fighting demons maybe fighting my morals too "
So sorry for your loss. Your daughter left early but its not your time yet, so just get on with living and put some colour back into your life. Xxxx best wishes  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Definitely one of those situations that you have to do what feels right to you.
Personally, if I was going to end up regretting something later down the line, it'd probably be that I carried on swinging rather than if I stopped for a short time (I hope that makes sense!)
All the best, whatever you choose |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I would really love it if people could just respect other people on here and understand thats what right for one person may not be right for someone else without having to be downright nasty about it
Ive removed posts if you wonder where yours may have gonea lady friend of mine on fab revieled she has breast cancer, other friends held a party for her before her operation, i cudnt bring myself to go to that party bcus i was expected to have fun with her, who knows maybe for the last time ??????? cudnt get my head round it and gave the farewell party a miss, now im the bad boy who spoilt the nite and everyones blocking me, right or wrong ?
That was rather negative of you.. I just had a breast cancer op and treatment all be it just radiotherapy but Im not going anywhere .. I sure it wasnt a farewell party just something to cheer her up.
crikey dont need friends like you thinking we all gonna peg it anytime soon "
i didnt reveal to anybody at the time of this msg but my uncle was suffering and fighting throat cancer, he sadly passed away this morning  now can you understand my feelings at the time |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I(H) lost my mum back in august and sex was the last thing on my mind, i was under a lot of stress and pressure, i was down south poor phil was here at home Trying his best to comfort me long distance, i came home for a few days in between the funeral but the last thing on either of our minds was sex or playing i think in the end it was around 4 weeks before we had sex again i was'nt in the right frame of mind but it was almost like a reaffirmation of life and i enjoyed it.
When we lose someone we love something inside us changes and it may take weeks,months or years to ever feel right again, there is no right or wrong way to go about it you just have to follow your heart and do whats right for you ultimately, i lost another loved one this weekend and i am truly feeling it but i am so lucky with phil as he does'nt pressure me at all he is perfectly happy to go at the pace i set bless him, good luck with it all hun xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A few years ago Angie's dad passed away. When the call came in as you'd expect she was devastated and just cried for an hour or two. Then she composed herself, phoned her mother and make arrangements to go to her mothers to help with the arrangements. All pretty standard stuff.
After the funeral people asked in a solemn and quiet tone, "and how was the funeral?"... The answer...
'The funeral was great, it was a really nice day, all the people that mattered were there. There were some great jokes that he would have been laughing his head of at and everyone clapped, cheered, laughed, smiled as he went through the curtains to the theme tune of 633 Squadron'.
Any outsider looking in might think it appalling, after all it was a funeral not a party but the point is this. NO ONE was pleased to see him go, quite the opposite in fact but everyone was there to celebrate a LIFE not DEATH and we all know the man in question wouldn't have wanted it any other way.
So bollocks to what anyone else thinks, we did it his way, our way, for him and us and that's all there is to it.
To the OP... you do it YOUR WAY, what's right for YOU, because that is the only right way
One thing is 100% certain, Angie's dad only ever wanted here to be happy. He would be horrified if he thought his daughter spent all her time grieving his death, he would NEVER want that.
So a question for you OP... how long would your daughter want you to grieve and feel guilty when you're not consumed with grief?
My parents died more than 35 years ago and I still miss them. Angie will miss her dad for the rest of her life too. You will miss your daughter for the rest of your life... and that's what helps make other peoples short lives so much more meaningful and worthwhile its the greatest respect you can give.
If you are alive then LIVE, if not then the rest of us can envy you the greatest sleep anyone ever gets while we miss you.
Best wishes to you."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"i just want some normality, is that wrong"
you have two choices
you can sit at home and drive yourself mad with the thoughts running thro your head or you can get on with life and distract yourself
I remember when i lost my son i was back at work the week after the funeral, i over heard some co workers talking about me in the cafe, one woman said i couldnt have been that bothered about him to carry on going to work so soon etc
Thats really hurt me as i was falling to bits inside but keeping my mind occupid was the only way i coped, if i had had time off work id have just sat at home running everything tho my head
you do whats best for you x |
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