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Allowing your ex take kids away
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Can't really form an option as I don't know you, her or them sorry. Sorry that it's affecting you. In my experience there is no substitute for calm, honest, rational conversation. Maybe if you're having difficulties dealing with the situation you can discuss it with her? |
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"How do you feel? Hate it, don’t trust her, gut wrenching. Kids don’t even want to go even though I encourage them"
When a family breaks apart it is always a hard thing, I personally think it is important to remember that it's not the kids fault and to try not to involve them in the argument. Even if you "think" you can't trust your ex, I think it is better for the kids if they think that you do.
Divorce is hard enough for kids without us adults imposing our own ill feelings on them too.
Cal |
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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago
South |
The selfish part of me would rather they stop at home. The house is far too quiet without them and their energy. Everybody tells me it’ll “give me a break” but it doesn’t really. I worry about them. I miss them.
I am aware I have no need to worry about them, they are with their dad, but i always feel like nobody else can look after my kids as well as I can.
The best thing to do OP is try to relax, hope they are having a cracking time, enjoy your child free moments and count the days till they are back and then give them a bloody good hug. |
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By *otdave75 OP Man
over a year ago
Chandlers Ford |
Very true, all about perspective. Just because they are the mum or the dad, doesn’t mean they can take the kids, they need to earn the rite! Ultimately I have twins, she has decided to take one on holiday. She doesn’t pay for anything, so she can go away but I can’t. Finally I really don’t trust her, she can’t look after herself. Plus I’m pissed and upset |
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By *otdave75 OP Man
over a year ago
Chandlers Ford |
"Very true, all about perspective. Just because they are the mum or the dad, doesn’t mean they can take the kids, they need to earn the rite! Ultimately I have twins, she has decided to take one on holiday. She doesn’t pay for anything, so she can go away but I can’t. Finally I really don’t trust her, she can’t look after herself. Plus I’m pissed and upset"
Oh yeah , I’m paying for it despite not being able to go away myself, go figure. And she is leaving her least favourite kid behind. Who does that? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My child is just back from a week in Scotland with his dad and wife. He had an amazing time. Im taking him to italy in September. He gets 2 holidays every year and gets to see the world. I'd never stand in the way of that. That been said he absolutely loves his dad and they have a fantastic relationship. My child is 10 if that makes any difference. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm thinking, put down the drink, it won't help, go get yourself some rest.
If you have serious concerns, then discuss them with authorities, maybe begin with mediation. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Very true, all about perspective. Just because they are the mum or the dad, doesn’t mean they can take the kids, they need to earn the rite! Ultimately I have twins, she has decided to take one on holiday. She doesn’t pay for anything, so she can go away but I can’t. Finally I really don’t trust her, she can’t look after herself. Plus I’m pissed and upset
Oh yeah , I’m paying for it despite not being able to go away myself, go figure. And she is leaving her least favourite kid behind. Who does that?"
Leaving one child behind is horrendous. Do you have court agreements in place? Is she legally allowed take them. Why are you paying? |
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"I'm thinking, put down the drink, it won't help, go get yourself some rest.
If you have serious concerns, then discuss them with authorities, maybe begin with mediation."
Pretty much this (although I'm not a meditator). |
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By *otdave75 OP Man
over a year ago
Chandlers Ford |
"Very true, all about perspective. Just because they are the mum or the dad, doesn’t mean they can take the kids, they need to earn the rite! Ultimately I have twins, she has decided to take one on holiday. She doesn’t pay for anything, so she can go away but I can’t. Finally I really don’t trust her, she can’t look after herself. Plus I’m pissed and upset
Oh yeah , I’m paying for it despite not being able to go away myself, go figure. And she is leaving her least favourite kid behind. Who does that?
Leaving one child behind is horrendous. Do you have court agreements in place? Is she legally allowed take them. Why are you paying?"
No, no court agreement. Long story, probably all my own fault. In the end she isn’t a nice human being. They are twins, she treats one like gold the other like shit. Constantly slagging me off in front of them. Grow a pair? And have arguements in front of th kids, not my style. The three of us have fun and are close, we cope, not that they should |
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By *otdave75 OP Man
over a year ago
Chandlers Ford |
"Why are you paying for her to only take one twin away?
I’m not, my point is I pay for everything, so she has spare money, hence…..
Oh I see. I'd have said you take them both or neither. "
Unfortunately I have no say. |
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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago
East London |
"Why are you paying for her to only take one twin away?
I’m not, my point is I pay for everything, so she has spare money, hence…..
Oh I see. I'd have said you take them both or neither.
Unfortunately I have no say."
That's a shame. How old are they? |
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"Why are you paying for her to only take one twin away?
I’m not, my point is I pay for everything, so she has spare money, hence…..
Oh I see. I'd have said you take them both or neither.
Unfortunately I have no say."
If you have parental responsibility or other legal guardianship then you do have a say. If you think your ex's behaviour is detrimental to the physical or mental well-being of one or both children, I would recommend you take urgent legal advice. |
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By *otdave75 OP Man
over a year ago
Chandlers Ford |
"Why are you paying for her to only take one twin away?
I’m not, my point is I pay for everything, so she has spare money, hence…..
Oh I see. I'd have said you take them both or neither.
Unfortunately I have no say.
That's a shame. How old are they?"
13, right age to be screwed up. If they weren’t already. Have a whole catalogue of things that apparently don’t matter |
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By *otdave75 OP Man
over a year ago
Chandlers Ford |
"Why are you paying for her to only take one twin away?
I’m not, my point is I pay for everything, so she has spare money, hence…..
Oh I see. I'd have said you take them both or neither.
Unfortunately I have no say.
If you have parental responsibility or other legal guardianship then you do have a say. If you think your ex's behaviour is detrimental to the physical or mental well-being of one or both children, I would recommend you take urgent legal advice. "
Have done….. been down that route |
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"Why are you paying for her to only take one twin away?
I’m not, my point is I pay for everything, so she has spare money, hence…..
Oh I see. I'd have said you take them both or neither.
Unfortunately I have no say.
If you have parental responsibility or other legal guardianship then you do have a say. If you think your ex's behaviour is detrimental to the physical or mental well-being of one or both children, I would recommend you take urgent legal advice.
Have done….. been down that route"
It's not a one off thing. If you think one or both are in any form of danger to their well-being in this moment, you have to do it again. Things could be deemed acceptable at one point in time but not at others. |
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By *otdave75 OP Man
over a year ago
Chandlers Ford |
Honestly, not trying to be controversial, but if I were a woman in this situation, I think things would be different. Think it is one of the only areas men have fewer rights, rites? Dunno how to spell. Anyways. |
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"Honestly, not trying to be controversial, but if I were a woman in this situation, I think things would be different. Think it is one of the only areas men have fewer rights, rites? Dunno how to spell. Anyways. "
It didn't feel like that to me when I was being told it was okay for my infant son to be taken to a house where drugs were used in front of him, no.
The system is supposed to put the child or children's needs first and foremost. |
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By *otdave75 OP Man
over a year ago
Chandlers Ford |
"Honestly, not trying to be controversial, but if I were a woman in this situation, I think things would be different. Think it is one of the only areas men have fewer rights, rites? Dunno how to spell. Anyways.
It didn't feel like that to me when I was being told it was okay for my infant son to be taken to a house where drugs were used in front of him, no.
The system is supposed to put the child or children's needs first and foremost. "
I’m sorry, was a flippant comment, just pissed and upset, thanks for listening |
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By *ANDA!Man
over a year ago
DUMFRIES |
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It didn't feel like that to me when I was being told it was okay for my infant son to be taken to a house where drugs were used in front of him, no.
The system is supposed to put the child or children's needs first and foremost. "
have this with my ex. Kids were under an order from SocServ at the time, I was informed that she was smoking green and one of my kids confirmed she was and at all times of.the day. I informed SS of this and their reply was "we can't tell people how to live their lives" in other words we don't really care, it's only green |
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"Just because they are the mum or the dad, doesn’t mean they can take the kids, they need to earn the rite!"
Unfortunately, that's not how it works. They don't need to earn the right. They do need to not endanger the child though. |
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"My ex just came back from a week away with the kids. I'm delighted and I love the relationship they have.
That’s fantastic for you, unfortunately all situations aren’t the same"
Obviously. I was merely answering the question asked in the first post. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It would depend on the situation but any parent who stops the other GOOD parent from spending quality time with their kids should be charged with a criminal offence. |
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It's probably not worth asking these questions if you're pissed, but maybe come back to them.
How old are the children? The older they are the more they get to speak for themselves.
Obviously, the Courts and Children's Services will want to see parents working together, as that is normally considered best for the child - and the welfare of the child is paramount. However, if one of the children absolutely does not want to attend on one occasion, if they are around 12 (there's no legal age), the courts understand a child refusing to go. This is especially the case if the child feels at risk, or if they are emotionally distressed by the prospect.
Are you deceiving Child Maintenance? Have you considered requesting support from a Level 2/3 provider. That is, before things get to Child Protection, some areas might have early intervention teams, family support, children's centre, or groups like Action for Children.
It sound like you could really do with some support and advice. However, it does not seem like you are at the point of needing legal advice of child protection input.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If she's their mother then why not?"
Because not every woman deserves to be a mother.
Hopefully you have put the booze away NotDave. There are a lot of useful perspectives here. You need to get a legally binding agreement through mediation and maybe get it ratified in court. These people are not your enemy, even if it feels like the system is heavily biased in favour of the woman. They will give you the opportunity to stand up and be the father you want to be if you let them. It isn't about you or her, it is about the kids. Don't feel bad about being upset and doing the wrong thing to cope, we all do that at times. Use your love and inner strength to see the right path and follow it then dedicate yourself to seeing it through. Believe me it isn't easy but it is worth while.
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