"Do you think it's possible to (still?) have it 5+ years after the birth of a child?
My disability was caused by my last pregnancy, daughter is now 5½. I've never been diagnosed with depression and I've always been able to boot myself up the arse (metaphorically, because only one leg actually works) and just force myself on.
Anyway, this past fortnight, my pelvis has felt like it's quite literally falling apart, I'm in agony and I've been tipped over the edge by the behaviour of a family member, who is acting illegally in a matter that I have legal responsibility for.
Basically, the bit of my brain that's been keeping me from going off the rails has been invaded by the family member's behaviour, dealing with the police etc.
I've started resenting the fact I had another child (I've had this before but managed to get myself past it) and I feel guilty as fuck for that. I look at my intelligent, kind, empathetic daughter and I feel guilty as can be about wishing my life was as it was before she was born.
I need to get this out somehow, in writing is fine because I can't verbalise it at home at the moment, too many ears to hear and upset (my son and daughter).
I've been forcing myself to go to work (cathartic, once I'm there), where I can use my wheelchair everywhere but at home, we have stairs so I go straight upstairs after work and live up there, because I can't keep going up/down for the loo etc. I've been upstairs mainly on my own all day so far too. I hate being on my own because my brain goes off on stupid tangents, including the one that mulls over the idea of getting rid of myself once and for all.
I don't want to live the rest of my life like this, in constant pain and having to be responsible for everyone else's shit. For my Dad. For my late Grandad. I can't grieve for my Grandad because of the aforementioned illegal behaviour and it's eating away at me.
I'd planned a memorial on his birthday in Sept but had to cancel because we can't do it while we still have unfinished business. My Grandad was a wonderful man, he was known and loved by so many people but only a handful could attend his funeral. The evil family member attended that, which ruined it for me because I had to look at her while I spoke. She then spoiled it by being rude to the vicar and insulting my son, in the car park after.
I want to invite all Grandad's friends and colleagues, all the people he was charitable to and all the people he loved. But I can't and it's more than 18 months since he died.
I just needed to get all this out somehow, folks. Here's as good a place as any.
Apologies for typos/spelling errors through tears. I haven't stopped crying all day. "
Putting it out there and writing it down like you have is brave and the first move towards recovery.
Professional help is a must, please don't suffer alone.
I remember when you posted the news on the covid forums and it was horrible reading.
Your stronger than you realise but to quote the phrase
It's ok not to be ok.
We can only stay strong for so long before we need help.
Sending healing hug's through the ether.
Stay safe x |
