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Dad jokes please
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"The inventor of the dissapointing punchline has died.
His funeral will be held on Thursday at 2pm."
The inventor of auto correct died
May he roast in piss |
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A girl walks in to the dry cleaners and places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress".
The clerk was somewhat preoccupied and didn't quite catch what she said, so he asked "Come again?".
"No. This time it's mayonnaise" |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"A girl walks in to the dry cleaners and places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress".
The clerk was somewhat preoccupied and didn't quite catch what she said, so he asked "Come again?".
"No. This time it's mayonnaise""
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"The past, present and future walked into a bar.
It was tense.
A priest, a minister and a rabbit all walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o""
Love this one  |
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"Janet Street-Porter walks up to a bar and asks the barman "Can I have a large aperitif?"
The barman looks up and say "I very much doubt it love"."
Oh that took me longer than it should, but properly made me laugh, thank you! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I heard a great dad joke today but I’ll let him tell it. I’m sure he’ll be along soon  J xx "
Hahaha you sent it to me!
What’s the difference between Jam & Jelly??? You can’t jelly your cock in someone’s ass.. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I heard a great dad joke today but I’ll let him tell it. I’m sure he’ll be along soon J xx
Hahaha you sent it to me!
What’s the difference between Jam & Jelly??? You can’t jelly your cock in someone’s ass.."
Are you trying to make me cancel? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The black eyed peas can sing us a tune but the chick peas can only hummus one.
Oh yeah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal!
C. |
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I was watching a programme about sharks the other night and the guy hosting it said: “Sharks are more scared of us than we are of them.”
Really? I doubt sharks stay up all night watching documentaries about me. |
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A tortoise goes into a Police Station and says "I've just been mugged by three snails"
"Oh dear" says the desk sergeant, can you provide a description of your assailants?"
"Hmmmm" says the tortoise "it all happened so quickly" |
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Guy walks into a bar and asks for a pint, barman says excuse me sir do you know you have a steering wheel attached to tbhe front of your trousers? Guy says yeah it's driving me nuts.
I used to live in an inflatable house but it got a puncture, now I live in a flat!
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Old Sam wanders into village pub, which he hasn't visited for a few weeks, and there sat at the bar is his good mate Jack...
Looking up Jack spots him and gets San a pint, you've not been in for a while says Jack...I know says Sam, it's the lambing season and I've not been off the farm for 3 weeks..
So any new re village gossip ask Sam, well says Jack they've opened one of those there brothels in the village...no way says Sam..
Aye says Jack you can drink as much as you want...have as much sex as you want and at the end of the night they give you £200..
Bloody hell says Sam that sounds like a great night, have you been yourself..?
No says Jack but the wife has....!!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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English is such a strange language. I found out the other day that you shouldn't say I'm going to *run* through the campsite, it should be I'm going to *ran* through the campsite. It's always past tents.
Mr |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I reached for my liquid Viagra last night but accidentally picked up a bottle of Tippex and mistakenly downed that instead.
Anyway...I woke up this morning with a huge correction.
"
That made me laugh |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I don’t trust stairs. I think they’re just upto something.
Sex in an elevator, good on so many levels …"
In Britain they call it a "lift" but Americans call it an "elevator".
I guess we're just raised differently. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I don’t trust stairs. I think they’re just upto something.
Sex in an elevator, good on so many levels …
In Britain they call it a "lift" but Americans call it an "elevator".
I guess we're just raised differently."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I don’t trust stairs. I think they’re just upto something.
Sex in an elevator, good on so many levels …
In Britain they call it a "lift" but Americans call it an "elevator".
I guess we're just raised differently."
Both these jokes have made me feel good this morning. Very uplifting.  |
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By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"I don’t trust stairs. I think they’re just upto something.
Sex in an elevator, good on so many levels …
In Britain they call it a "lift" but Americans call it an "elevator".
I guess we're just raised differently.
Both these jokes have made me feel good this morning. Very uplifting. "
I nearly wet myself reading this particular exchange. You guys rock |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I don’t trust stairs. I think they’re just upto something.
Sex in an elevator, good on so many levels …
In Britain they call it a "lift" but Americans call it an "elevator".
I guess we're just raised differently.
Both these jokes have made me feel good this morning. Very uplifting.
I nearly wet myself reading this particular exchange. You guys rock "
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By *ooBulMan
over a year ago
Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’ |
Mickey Mouse is in the middle of a nasty divorce from Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation.
Judge: "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane."
Mickey replied: "I didn't say she was mentally insane; I said that she's fucking Goofy!"  |
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By *uzie69xTV/TS
over a year ago
Maidstone |
"I asked the lady on the cake stall what this particular cake was, she replied “that’s Madeira Cake” I said “ok, could I look at your cheaper ones “
I’ll get my coat  "
Oh a cake one ... This one better told in a Glaswegian accent ...
Man in cake shop... "Is that an eclair or a meringue?"
Shop assistant reply "aye you're right, it is an eclair" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A farmer buys a cock, and in the morning he's fucked all 150 hens. In the afternoon it fucks all of them again, then the geese, and finally the ducks. The farmer goes outside and see the cock laying on the ground being circled overhead by crows. He walks over to the cock and says "that'll teach you, you horny fucker" the cock cranks open one eye and reply "ssshh, they'll be landing any minute" |
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By *ooBulMan
over a year ago
Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’ |
Reporter: “Excuse me, may I interview you?”
Man: “Yes!”
Reporter: “Name?”
Man: “Abdul Al-Rhazim.”
Reporter: “Sex?”
Man: “Three to five times a week.”
Reporter: “No, no! I mean male or female?”
Man: “Yes, male, female… sometimes camel.”
Reporter: “Holy cow!”
Man: “Yes, cow, sheep… animals in general.”
Reporter: “But isn’t that hostile?”
Man: “Yes, horse style, dog style, any style.”
Reporter: “Oh dear!”
Man: “No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch.” |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Bought an old vinyl album from my local charity shop the other day "Sounds wasps make"
Got it home, put it on and thought "this sounds fuck all like wasps"
Realised I'd put on the Bee side.
Winston |
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Duck walks into a bar…
Day 1  got any bread?
Barman: no
Day 2 Duck: got any bread?
Barman: no
Day 3 duck: got any bread?
Barman: if you come in asking for bread again, I’ll nail your beak to the bar!
Day 4 Duck: got any nails?
Barman: no
Day 5 Duck: got any bread
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An English man, Scotsmen and an Irish man are trying to get into the Olympics but don't have tickets.
The English man has brain wave picks up a long pole places it under his blazer arm walks up to the competitors entrance and says "Bentley, England pole vaulting" and they let him in.
Inspired by this the Scotsmen picks up a manhole cove struts up in his kilt and says "Macgregor Scotland discus" they let him in.
Following the Irish man picks up a roll of barbed wire walks up and says "Murphy, Ireland fencing "
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Just before closing time late on a Friday afternoon, a distinguished silver haired gentleman enters a jewellers with a vivacious twenty year old blonde on his arm...
Approaching the assistant he announces that he wishes to purchase a special ring for his girlfriend. The assistant goes to the safe room and returns with a tray with rings up to the value of £5000, the gentleman says "my man, I don't think you understand, I wish to purchase a special ring, so the assistant returns to the safe room with a tray with rings up to the value of £50,000 ...picking one up the girlfriend is trembling with excitement. I believe this is the one that we want. How much is it..?
This particular ring is £40,000 how do you wish to pay enquires the assistant.
I will pay by cheque, if you don't mind, though I appreciate you will want to contact my bank first thing Monday morning to ensure there's sufficient funds in my account, when you've done that please ring me and I will return Monday afternoon to collect the ring. Monday morning comes and the jeweller is on the phone to the guy...."there's no money in your account " I know says the man " "but imagine the weekend I've just had" |
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An old lady goes into the fish mongers.
Lady "I would like a nice piece of cod please."
Fishmonger - "I am sorry, we have no cod today"
lady - "Oh, ok. I will have a piece of plaice and a portion of cod please"
Fishmonger "We have no cod madam!"
Lady -"Oh dear. Ok a pair of kippers and some cod please"
Fishmonger spelling the word - "We have no; C O D F - cod!!"
Lady - " There's no F in cod?"
Fishmonger - "That is what I have been telling you."  |
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