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Acts of kindness....are they selfish?
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
Not talking about sharing your haribos...although that could be an act of kindness.
I am talking about how being kind makes us happier, how resolving a conflict peacefully leaves us feeling better than stomping off after an argument.
So is being kind a self-serving act or is t something we genuinely and simply just want to do for other people? |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"If you film it it's self serving. "
Funny you should say this because ... I saw something on a social media site where somebody had done just that - I am sure the person was genuine in their desire to do something... but filming and posting it left a bit of a strange taste in me.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm very much a peacekeeper. I dislike conflict and would much rather resolve things peacefully. Having said that I'm not a pushover and will stand my ground if needed.
I believe the world is a much nicer place if everyone is kinder and more tolerant of each other.
M |
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"If you film it it's self serving. Funny you should say this because ... I saw something on a social media site where somebody had done just that - I am sure the person was genuine in their desire to do something... but filming and posting it left a bit of a strange taste in me. "
I do get sometimes is good to show people doing good things I the hope that it will make others do good things but sometimes it all seems so false.
In fact there was a story on the BBC news either this week or last week where a YouTube/tiktok influencer was made to apologise to a lady that he gave flowers to. He thought it was a nice gesture but she did not. Although I am not sure I get her point of view on thaf one |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"I'm very much a peacekeeper. I dislike conflict and would much rather resolve things peacefully. Having said that I'm not a pushover and will stand my ground if needed.
I believe the world is a much nicer place if everyone is kinder and more tolerant of each other.
M"
I totally agree with you. When I was much younger, I had real fire in me and often need to "win" an argument. As I got older I realised the perceived win was actually more a pyrrhic victory and never left me feeling great. |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"Whenever I see a car with a ticket I chuck it in the bin so the driver doesn't have to pay..
So not sure as it makes me feel good too."
Don't they then get another. more expensive one?  |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"If you film it it's self serving. Funny you should say this because ... I saw something on a social media site where somebody had done just that - I am sure the person was genuine in their desire to do something... but filming and posting it left a bit of a strange taste in me.
I do get sometimes is good to show people doing good things I the hope that it will make others do good things but sometimes it all seems so false.
In fact there was a story on the BBC news either this week or last week where a YouTube/tiktok influencer was made to apologise to a lady that he gave flowers to. He thought it was a nice gesture but she did not. Although I am not sure I get her point of view on thaf one "
I don't get that one (mind you I don't know the background to this) and I think that might make people think twice before they do anything nice for other people? |
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If you can do a good deed and walk away content that you did something good, not caring whether anyone will know of your good deed, then that isn't self-serving.
If you feel the need to post about it/film it/brag about it, then you're being a bit self serving.
Regardless of that though, the world needs more good deeds and if some self-serving brag about how great you've been motivates others to do good than what harm is there really?
A good deed has still been done and someone's life is better for it, that's what matters. |
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"If you film it it's self serving. "
I fully agree. Doing something for someone else to help them is good and it making you feel happy when you do it is fine.
It is when it is filmed or posted to social media and it becomes a "look how good I am" to get likes it becomes more toxic and is most definitely selfish. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I don't think a selfless deed exists. Ultimately you are doing it to make yourself feel like the good person you hope to be. But if anyone is going to do good.. Don't broadcast it, don't tell your whole social media following and don't film it for grattiude. That is narcissism at it's finest. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If you film it it's self serving. Funny you should say this because ... I saw something on a social media site where somebody had done just that - I am sure the person was genuine in their desire to do something... but filming and posting it left a bit of a strange taste in me.
I do get sometimes is good to show people doing good things I the hope that it will make others do good things but sometimes it all seems so false.
In fact there was a story on the BBC news either this week or last week where a YouTube/tiktok influencer was made to apologise to a lady that he gave flowers to. He thought it was a nice gesture but she did not. Although I am not sure I get her point of view on thaf one
I don't get that one (mind you I don't know the background to this) and I think that might make people think twice before they do anything nice for other people? "
I understand her pov. She didn’t consent to be filmed and go viral on the internet. |
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There's a lot of interesting research around altruism.
We have had two evolutionary drivers for hundreds of thousands of years. The survival of our own genes is what everyone talks about since 'The Selfish Gene' by Dawkins but that's only part of the tale. Our biology dictates that survival alone is almost impossible. Human pregnancy, birth and then raising an infant is all but impossible as a lone mother so survival for our species also has the evolutionary driver to create successful small communities. Individuals with genes that predispose them to cooperate, form bonds, care for their group etc are going to be individuals that live in successful groups where succes is defined as they survive long enough to reproduce.
How does evolution ensure we behave in ways that increase our success? By making us want to do them even if at a selfish individual level the behavoir make no sense. This is the reason sex is so enjoyable and the bond between parents and their offspring are so strong. If sex wasn't enjoyable we wouldn't do it and risk a baby we don't want. If our parental bonds weren't so strong we wouldn't sacrifice so much just to care for another person. If expending our time, energy and resources helping others didn't make us feel good we wouldn't do it, evolution has made us *want* to behave like this. I think the argument that we do things for others because we have an inner drive to do so is pretty much uncontested.
Beyond that it becomes semantics and philosophy. Does enjoying doing something for someone mean you only do it for selfish reasons or does finding pleasure in helping another make you a selfless person? This depends on the first instance on the meanings we ascribe to words like 'selfish' but at a deeper level what we mean by 'I'. When I do something am I an independent entity controlling my body or am I just a very complicated chemical reaction that results in given behavoirs?
Mr |
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By *lad98Man
over a year ago
Burton Upon Trent |
I like the concept of random acts of kindness at a micro level - letting people filter into a line of traffic, letting people with just a few items in their basket in front of you when you have a trolley full.
It makes a real difference to the base level of happiness in the world and who knows, one act could have a knock on effect that affects 100's of others that day.
Good karma all round. |
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"If you film it it's self serving. "
It's self serving whether you film it or not. By filming it and showing the film to others you're just maximising the feel good factor. You go from "I have done x so justify my belief that I'm a good person' to 'everyone has seen me do x so not only have I justified to myself I'm a good person, I've also managed to convince a bunch of strangers too'
Mr |
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"If you film it it's self serving. Funny you should say this because ... I saw something on a social media site where somebody had done just that - I am sure the person was genuine in their desire to do something... but filming and posting it left a bit of a strange taste in me.
I do get sometimes is good to show people doing good things I the hope that it will make others do good things but sometimes it all seems so false.
In fact there was a story on the BBC news either this week or last week where a YouTube/tiktok influencer was made to apologise to a lady that he gave flowers to. He thought it was a nice gesture but she did not. Although I am not sure I get her point of view on thaf one
I don't get that one (mind you I don't know the background to this) and I think that might make people think twice before they do anything nice for other people?
I understand her pov. She didn’t consent to be filmed and go viral on the internet. "
Yeah I re read it. Most of it was about that bit the she also said she was annoyed she had to carry the flowers home 
I do get the non consent of the filming and him profiting off her reactions (which she also stated as a reason she was not happy, it made her look awful). |
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
I think it makes perfect sense to do things that benefit yourself and others, so its natural it should feel good. I guess it depends on your motives.
Some people find it very easy to resolve conflicts, be kind and generous etc so they have a duty in my opinion to do far more than others and not talk about it ! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It depends on your motive I guess
I enjoy seeing those that I care about happy and if I can facilitate that in some way then I will. It makes me happy and it makes them happy and I don't think that's selfish at all.
If you do it but expect a reward or favour in return then it's kinda selfish. |
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"It’s my kink that I force onto others non consensually.
“You will be fucking happy!” “I will fix your problem”
And then I go home and diddle myself thinking what a nice guy I am  "
Come here and make me feel excited about my birthday then lol |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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To be honest I think it's not a bad thing if doing something nice for others makes you feel better about yourself. As long as you are doing it out of a genuine belief you are helping someone I don't see a problem. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think it makes perfect sense to do things that benefit yourself and others, so its natural it should feel good. I guess it depends on your motives.
Some people find it very easy to resolve conflicts, be kind and generous etc so they have a duty in my opinion to do far more than others and not talk about it ! "
Why shouldn't they talk about it? |
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Altruism has personal benefit. On an evolutionary level, as mentioned above - if it didn't we wouldn't do it, and we wouldn't have survived.
Filming - that's gross. Especially without consent.
But I think the discourse is now oddly skewed, to the point that people who dare mention doing things get scorn thrown upon them. That vice signalling is now to be expected. I wish those people better than they seem to want for society. |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"If you can do a good deed and walk away content that you did something good, not caring whether anyone will know of your good deed, then that isn't self-serving.
If you feel the need to post about it/film it/brag about it, then you're being a bit self serving.
Regardless of that though, the world needs more good deeds and if some self-serving brag about how great you've been motivates others to do good than what harm is there really?
A good deed has still been done and someone's life is better for it, that's what matters."
This....
A good deed has still been done and someone's life is better for it, that's what matters ... sums it up brilliantly for me. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Ah, this is one I have pondered a lot. Here are my musings...
I think that the best kind of giving is one where it feels like it is simply the law of the universe. Just like water rushes back to fill an empty space, if you have a full bowl and someone else's is empty, some of yours flows without thought to them. There is no thought of "me" or "mine", just a resource that is shared as matter of course. You probably feel this when you invite some thirsty walkers to use your watertap to fill their bottles.... you dont think "thats gonna cost me 5p, they'd better be grateful", you just say "yes, of course you can fill your bottles! I have plenty of water and you have none!". If we can feel this even when we dont have a limitless supply, I think this is the best kind of giving, but it is one that cannot be forced and instead must come naturally.
But society is always pressuring us to give, and there are so many poor people in the world who need help, so we are caught between trying to look after our own needs and also trying to be generous to others. If we let the water flow naturally, we would end up with nothing and that is scary, so we have to cling hold of what we have and protect it. When that happens, giving becomes a measured thing that is counted against our own needs. We feel we are good if we give because it means we are reducing our own pot. And that is true.
I think its OK to feel good when we give. Its certainly better than feeling guilty if we dont! Just because we get some positive emotions when we give, that doesnt invalidate the positive impact we have had on someone else.
A little pride is OK. Perhaps we can see that act of giving as a two way gift? A gift to another of resources, and a gift to oursleves of positive feeling and validation. Then it is all just generosity. Generosity to ourselves, and generosity to others. After all, we are jsut as worthy of our love and generosity as anyone else.
Long, and rambly! But those are my musings! |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"I don't think a selfless deed exists. Ultimately you are doing it to make yourself feel like the good person you hope to be. But if anyone is going to do good.. Don't broadcast it, don't tell your whole social media following and don't film it for grattiude. That is narcissism at it's finest."
That is where I was coming from but you said it much more clearly. |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"If you film it it's self serving. Funny you should say this because ... I saw something on a social media site where somebody had done just that - I am sure the person was genuine in their desire to do something... but filming and posting it left a bit of a strange taste in me.
I do get sometimes is good to show people doing good things I the hope that it will make others do good things but sometimes it all seems so false.
In fact there was a story on the BBC news either this week or last week where a YouTube/tiktok influencer was made to apologise to a lady that he gave flowers to. He thought it was a nice gesture but she did not. Although I am not sure I get her point of view on thaf one
I don't get that one (mind you I don't know the background to this) and I think that might make people think twice before they do anything nice for other people?
I understand her pov. She didn’t consent to be filmed and go viral on the internet. "
Ah, did not know the background to this. |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"There's a lot of interesting research around altruism.
We have had two evolutionary drivers for hundreds of thousands of years. The survival of our own genes is what everyone talks about since 'The Selfish Gene' by Dawkins but that's only part of the tale. Our biology dictates that survival alone is almost impossible. Human pregnancy, birth and then raising an infant is all but impossible as a lone mother so survival for our species also has the evolutionary driver to create successful small communities. Individuals with genes that predispose them to cooperate, form bonds, care for their group etc are going to be individuals that live in successful groups where succes is defined as they survive long enough to reproduce.
How does evolution ensure we behave in ways that increase our success? By making us want to do them even if at a selfish individual level the behavoir make no sense. This is the reason sex is so enjoyable and the bond between parents and their offspring are so strong. If sex wasn't enjoyable we wouldn't do it and risk a baby we don't want. If our parental bonds weren't so strong we wouldn't sacrifice so much just to care for another person. If expending our time, energy and resources helping others didn't make us feel good we wouldn't do it, evolution has made us *want* to behave like this. I think the argument that we do things for others because we have an inner drive to do so is pretty much uncontested.
Beyond that it becomes semantics and philosophy. Does enjoying doing something for someone mean you only do it for selfish reasons or does finding pleasure in helping another make you a selfless person? This depends on the first instance on the meanings we ascribe to words like 'selfish' but at a deeper level what we mean by 'I'. When I do something am I an independent entity controlling my body or am I just a very complicated chemical reaction that results in given behavoirs?
Mr"
This is a really interesting summary - so I would like to think I am doing something good for somebody else because I "choose" to do... or not do it. I am (well, most of the time..;-) a sentient human being and I can use my emotional and/ or logical thought process to come up with an action. That is above the primal need as you described, isn't it? |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"It’s my kink that I force onto others non consensually.
“You will be fucking happy!” “I will fix your problem”
And then I go home and diddle myself thinking what a nice guy I am "
Force... any force cannot be a good thing - I agree. (I am assuming that you were using irony?) |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"I think it makes perfect sense to do things that benefit yourself and others, so its natural it should feel good. I guess it depends on your motives.
Some people find it very easy to resolve conflicts, be kind and generous etc so they have a duty in my opinion to do far more than others and not talk about it ! "
A bit like if you have a specific skill set e.g. teaching or nursing or whatever, your moral duty to help out in times of need? |
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It’s the filming and posting these acts of kindness that makes me cringe .The need for people to see how kind and great you are .
The true selfless acts are the ones that people don’t even know you’ve done. |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"If it didn't make us feel good we wouldn't do it. None of us are Jesus or Mother Teresa. "
Quite true - there is likely to be some kind of reward, be it the feel-good factor or the approval and feedback from others?
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"Ah, this is one I have pondered a lot. Here are my musings...
I think that the best kind of giving is one where it feels like it is simply the law of the universe. Just like water rushes back to fill an empty space, if you have a full bowl and someone else's is empty, some of yours flows without thought to them. There is no thought of "me" or "mine", just a resource that is shared as matter of course. You probably feel this when you invite some thirsty walkers to use your watertap to fill their bottles.... you dont think "thats gonna cost me 5p, they'd better be grateful", you just say "yes, of course you can fill your bottles! I have plenty of water and you have none!". If we can feel this even when we dont have a limitless supply, I think this is the best kind of giving, but it is one that cannot be forced and instead must come naturally.
But society is always pressuring us to give, and there are so many poor people in the world who need help, so we are caught between trying to look after our own needs and also trying to be generous to others. If we let the water flow naturally, we would end up with nothing and that is scary, so we have to cling hold of what we have and protect it. When that happens, giving becomes a measured thing that is counted against our own needs. We feel we are good if we give because it means we are reducing our own pot. And that is true.
I think its OK to feel good when we give. Its certainly better than feeling guilty if we dont! Just because we get some positive emotions when we give, that doesnt invalidate the positive impact we have had on someone else.
A little pride is OK. Perhaps we can see that act of giving as a two way gift? A gift to another of resources, and a gift to oursleves of positive feeling and validation. Then it is all just generosity. Generosity to ourselves, and generosity to others. After all, we are jsut as worthy of our love and generosity as anyone else.
Long, and rambly! But those are my musings! "
Really enjoyed reading this... not ramble at all. And you acknowledge the human need for a "little pride" which I like. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It’s the filming and posting these acts of kindness that makes me cringe .The need for people to see how kind and great you are .
The true selfless acts are the ones that people don’t even know you’ve done."
It's more about the social media following and therefore income they can generate. I don't have a problem with these acts being filmed and people making money on it as long as they get permission from the person they are filming. I often find the ones particularly where they help homeless peopaul quite worrying. What if the person doesn't want to be seen or found, It's potentially putting them at serious risk. If you are going to do these kind of things then you have to accept some people don't want to be a part of your social media platform. |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"It’s the filming and posting these acts of kindness that makes me cringe .The need for people to see how kind and great you are .
The true selfless acts are the ones that people don’t even know you’ve done."
There is just such a fine line between setting a good role-model by publishing... and a form of gloating, isn't there?
I have a (lovely person) colleague who gives lots to charitable purposes but never fails to send an email at work... stating we should all donate and they have just donated XYZ... that I struggle with a bit... |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
Thank you everybody for your interesting and thought provoking posts. I hope I have not left anybody out in my responses - I dont want to dominate my own thread - please keep them coming if you feel so inclined. |
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"Not talking about sharing your haribos...although that could be an act of kindness.
I am talking about how being kind makes us happier, how resolving a conflict peacefully leaves us feeling better than stomping off after an argument.
So is being kind a self-serving act or is t something we genuinely and simply just want to do for other people?"
If I do something nice for someone else, it's for them, not for me.
If I get a warm fuzzy feeling its a bonus.
My kindness does not need to be shown to the world.
My kindness needs no self-saught recognition or validation from anyone.
If a third party witnesses it and shares it with others that's OK. I'd never say "I'm gonna do something nice, please film it and stick it on youtube"
Hope that all makes sense.
Winston
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I've always helped others instinctively and often refused payment because I didn't do it for reward.
Often just putting a smile on someone's face or getting a simple thank you can make my day and makes it worthwhile but i don't see that as selfish or self serving.
I have helped people in the past where I got abuse either from them or someone else because "they didn't need my help" and depending on the circumstances I have regretted some of those and thought I should have been more selfish and walked on without taking a moment to help.
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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
As with so much in life, it comes down to the motivation behind the action.
If the intent is the action in itself, then it’s not selfish. If the action is intended to make the person look good or virtue signal, then it’s less pure and potentially more selfish |
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By *ohn KanakaMan
over a year ago
Not all that North of North London |
I think it's impossible for an act of kindness to be entirely altruistic, it's a natural human emotion to feel good for helping someone. On a basic level if I buy a homeless person a sandwich I can see what it means ti them, its impossible not to be touched by that but that wouldn't be the motivation.
But that doesn’t mean all acts of kindness are selfish. Though some undoubtedly are, most aren't. |
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"I think it's impossible for an act of kindness to be entirely altruistic, it's a natural human emotion to feel good for helping someone. On a basic level if I buy a homeless person a sandwich I can see what it means ti them, its impossible not to be touched by that but that wouldn't be the motivation.
But that doesn’t mean all acts of kindness are selfish. Though some undoubtedly are, most aren't. "
I see altruism as doing something and feeling good about it. Not excluding the feeling good.
Entirely selfless acts are impossible, but altruism (I do a good thing, it may cost me, and the only thing I get out of it is the warm fuzzies) is definitely possible |
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"There's a lot of interesting research around altruism.
We have had two evolutionary drivers for hundreds of thousands of years. The survival of our own genes is what everyone talks about since 'The Selfish Gene' by Dawkins but that's only part of the tale. Our biology dictates that survival alone is almost impossible. Human pregnancy, birth and then raising an infant is all but impossible as a lone mother so survival for our species also has the evolutionary driver to create successful small communities. Individuals with genes that predispose them to cooperate, form bonds, care for their group etc are going to be individuals that live in successful groups where succes is defined as they survive long enough to reproduce.
How does evolution ensure we behave in ways that increase our success? By making us want to do them even if at a selfish individual level the behavoir make no sense. This is the reason sex is so enjoyable and the bond between parents and their offspring are so strong. If sex wasn't enjoyable we wouldn't do it and risk a baby we don't want. If our parental bonds weren't so strong we wouldn't sacrifice so much just to care for another person. If expending our time, energy and resources helping others didn't make us feel good we wouldn't do it, evolution has made us *want* to behave like this. I think the argument that we do things for others because we have an inner drive to do so is pretty much uncontested.
Beyond that it becomes semantics and philosophy. Does enjoying doing something for someone mean you only do it for selfish reasons or does finding pleasure in helping another make you a selfless person? This depends on the first instance on the meanings we ascribe to words like 'selfish' but at a deeper level what we mean by 'I'. When I do something am I an independent entity controlling my body or am I just a very complicated chemical reaction that results in given behavoirs?
Mr
This is a really interesting summary - so I would like to think I am doing something good for somebody else because I "choose" to do... or not do it. I am (well, most of the time..;-) a sentient human being and I can use my emotional and/ or logical thought process to come up with an action. That is above the primal need as you described, isn't it? "
Sadly it seems not always. Much of what we consider to be rational decision making is actually post hoc justification of what our subconscious mind has already decided. By virtue of being subconscious we cannot ascribe reasons to this process. It feels like we make conscious decisions but a significant part of our decision making process is subconscious. Confabulation is another bizarre and thought provoking idea to read about
An oft quoted example is that we all would believe that our career choice is either a result of life circumstances or careful decision making or possibly both. How then to explain that dentists called Dennis are twice as common as the statistical spread of the name? Bizarre as it sounds, we have a statiscally significant bias to choose careers and locations that sound like our name. It's findings like this that make me smile when someone is adamant about how every thing they do is a result of their autonomy and rational mind.
Mr |
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"I think it's impossible for an act of kindness to be entirely altruistic, it's a natural human emotion to feel good for helping someone. On a basic level if I buy a homeless person a sandwich I can see what it means ti them, its impossible not to be touched by that but that wouldn't be the motivation.
But that doesn’t mean all acts of kindness are selfish. Though some undoubtedly are, most aren't. "
At what point does it become selfish? Getting paid for the act? What about a builder who did a job for a friend and asks for a case of beer in payment? Is a warm fuzzy feeling for doing something nice selfish if all the act of kindness did was produce a similar level of warm fuzzy feeling in the recipient?
I think we all have instinctive values about what constitutes an unselfish altruistic act. Many in this thread would distinguish between one where only we know what we have done verses one where we attempt to advertise our behavoir but even this can be subtle. I could cut my nans grass and tik tok it or I could mention to my mum 'by the way I cut nans grass today'. In this latter example am I conveying information or am I advertising my good act to gain approval from my mum?
I honestly believe it isn't an area we can draw fixed boundaries but rather will all have differing subjective opinions.
Mr |
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By *gent CoulsonMan
over a year ago
Secret hideaway in the pennines |
A simple act of kindness can change someone's life.
Early part of last year when my life went to hell, sad to say, I was ready to check out.
A friend came round with a bag of shopping as I had isolated myself from all my friends and they were worried about me.
That simple act made me realise I wasn't alone, and was the start of my recovery |
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I’m a big believer in Paying it Forward.
Letting people out of side streets into the traffic; in front of me at the checkout if they only have a few items; pulling over to help someone with a puncture; helping to pick stuff up when it’s been dropped.
All the stuff that you’d really appreciate if someone else did it for you.
Do I do any of this stuff to make me feel good in that moment? Meh, does it matter?
If it makes someone else feel better then that’s enough.
If it makes someone else do it for others in future, that’s even better.
Imagine, if you will, a world where everyone followed the creed of “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”**
Does that sound like a better world than the one we currently inhabit?
** Prize for anyone who can identify the source of this wisdom. |
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"I’m a big believer in Paying it Forward.
Letting people out of side streets into the traffic; in front of me at the checkout if they only have a few items; pulling over to help someone with a puncture; helping to pick stuff up when it’s been dropped.
All the stuff that you’d really appreciate if someone else did it for you.
Do I do any of this stuff to make me feel good in that moment? Meh, does it matter?
If it makes someone else feel better then that’s enough.
If it makes someone else do it for others in future, that’s even better.
Imagine, if you will, a world where everyone followed the creed of “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”**
Does that sound like a better world than the one we currently inhabit?
** Prize for anyone who can identify the source of this wisdom."
Attributed to the son of a carpenter from Nazareth |
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By *W ChapMan
over a year ago
Swindon |
I don't think at the point of an act of kindness you're thinking how great it will make you feel, the afterglow comes after the event.
What annoys me are the people who carry out an act of kindness who then post the fact all over social media. That's very self serving imo. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What if you don't view them as acts of kindness but doing the shit that need to be done.
I've done things not to be kind but someone needed assistance at that moment. It's not about getting praise or feeling good about it. It's a case of if you walk by and ignore something then you're part of the problem. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What if you don't view them as acts of kindness but doing the shit that need to be done.
I've done things not to be kind but someone needed assistance at that moment. It's not about getting praise or feeling good about it. It's a case of if you walk by and ignore something then you're part of the problem. "
Totally agree with that. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I do kind things a lot , sometimes they’re noticed and sometimes they’re anonymous. I don’t do anything for attention or thanks really. If I do a kind thing for a friend it remains firmly between us and not on Tik Tok . |
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Your Q ...... So is being kind a self-serving act or is t something we genuinely and simply just want to do for other people?'
I've always believed in the thinking behind the phrase , 'There is no such thing as an unselfish act' ......
This is not to say that some people help others for a variety of reasons just for personal gain.. far from it.
People are unaware that they benefit whether they wish to or not.
e.g. I pull someone from a canal. Selfless ? Not totally. I couldn't live with the guilt, anxiety and angst of leaving them to drown ( if I could have helped but just didn't )
So in saving them, I saved myself from a lifetime of guilt and anguish.
There are vary many examples.
Another may be those that refuse to give to charity as it is against their principles but if asked in front of a group of workmates or friends contribute.....
They don't want praise but they don't want admonishment either. No matter they didn't really want to give.
I am trying to think of a totally selfless act for which their is no pay off...... it's proving impossible so far. |
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"It's interesting that we think acts of kindness are lessened in direct correlation to how many people know about them. "
I blame the son of the carpenter. Do not be as the Pharisees, praying in public, for they have already received their reward. |
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"Not talking about sharing your haribos...although that could be an act of kindness.
I am talking about how being kind makes us happier, how resolving a conflict peacefully leaves us feeling better than stomping off after an argument.
So is being kind a self-serving act or is t something we genuinely and simply just want to do for other people?"
I don't think it's binary. Kindness can be kindness, possibly not even intended to be kind but just doing something for someone and the recipient or even third parties might consider it as kindness. Sometimes kindness makes the giver feel good about themselves and hey, that's OK too. Sometimes being kind to someone can seem a chore but we do it anyway because it's an investment in the other person. There are so many variations of one person doing something for another person.
As for the recording of it for social media or posterity... Well that's hideous but doesn't change the motivation in anyway at all.... Unless of course the act itself is done only for clicks... I think... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Of course I am no expert and feel free to correct me. Nevertheless, I would class all kind acts are self serving in one way or another. As when you do it and it is positively received then it would release a feel good chemical or there would be another motive which maybe you are unaware of. Hence you maybe doing it for someone else's benefit but it is to benfit yourself too you. |
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"It's interesting that we think acts of kindness are lessened in direct correlation to how many people know about them.
I blame the son of the carpenter. Do not be as the Pharisees, praying in public, for they have already received their reward. "
Did his words instigate a change on social attitude towards public displays of good deeds or did he just put into words an instinctive distrust of those who do.
Was chatting about this with her ladyship this afternoon. We both agreed that when we do things for each other we want the other to know. Ostensibly this is so they realise that we were thinking about them but on reflection the ultimate reason we want them to know is that we want them to think better of ourselves.
It actually becomes quite thought provoking. Ultimately is there any real difference between "look at my virtuous tik tok" and "I've changed that bulb on your car for you dear"?
Mr |
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