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Love Languages
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By *rHotNotts OP Man
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
I know this has been discussed lots but I’m interested to know, once you got it , how difficult or easy did you find it to work out there’s and respond correctly ? Or do you just fall back into using your own language by default. I think it’s type of self awareness that not many people master
If you’ve not read it / studied it / applied it , above won’t make much sense but you can Google it if interested - 5 Love languages
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It's a tough one. When we're tired and overstretched it's so easy to forget a partner's needs are not the same as your own, good communication is essential. I've been guilty of forgetting at times, especially when my children were tiny. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I just looked at an old thread about the 5 love languages and hardly anyone has Acts of Service as their most prominent one. I'm clearly a lazy twat who needs a domestic servant  |
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I definitely think the 5 love languages are useful to understand but I think it's worth looking at it in a broader way. How does this individual person show they care? For example, my partner has never really bought me valentines gifts or extravagant birthday presents but he remembers my favourite foods and drinks and picks them up when he goes to the shops. If he thinks I'm having a tough time he plans a nice dinner. I joke that he's a feeder but it's his way of expressing his love. I've dated someone else who was a fixer. I mentioned my potatoes being cold at an event and he quietly asked a waitor for new ones for me and I only knew when they brought them over. When I was really stressed out he bought me colouring books and some gummies from Holland and Barrett that were supposed to help with sleep. I posted his birthday present once and it went missing and he tried to sort it out himself with Royal Mail because he didn't want me to be upset. Both on the other hand are terrible at remembering to reply to messages. If I concentrated on that I could convince myself they didn't care but when you look at the other things I described, they very evidently did. |
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I tend to use a mixture of both mine and theirs. I know it's important to understand and respect the other person's love language as they may not fully understand/appreciate yours, but personally I need to also show my love in my own way. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm a fixer and show love with acts of servitude, but my partner is of the quality time ilk. I find it really difficult when he doesn't let me help with tasks that he struggles with but I find easy. He doesn't want to put me out or add to my chores, not realising that it's always easier to help with someone else's to-do list than your own, and I love to help! It's frustrating at times, but we're getting better at communicating our needs. |
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By *ANDCOCouple
over a year ago
Berkshire |
The 5 love languages. K and I are both second timers and did it very early on. It has really helped us. We are thankfully super compatible. K and I have physical touch in our top 2 so always helpful.
Do believe it can potentially give some insight on how well (and happy) a relationship could be. Have friends where for example one person has affirmation number 1 and their partner has it rated 4 with a low number. Their partner doesn’t need it and therefore doesn’t put value on it naturally (and doesn’t do it). Therefore their opposite doesn’t get what they get need. Issues ensue….
As ever everything can be worked on. But you couples out there. Do have a look at it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I love the 5 love languages,it really can help understand the other in a relationship, it was used a lot in sex therapy with a former partner a few years ago.
To keep it in the forefront of your mind and act accordingly is hard though. It's all too easy to just be you and forget especially if you've spent years together before without the knowledge.
I'm a quality time and words of affirmation type and I was with an acts of service guy. I found that quite hard to do without feeling like I was taking over and making him feel lesser ..he often took it that way. I think when you're opposites it can be particularly difficult. He'd struggle to see why him cooking me dinner was not enough to stop me being upset at not going out for dinner and vice versa.
T |
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By *rHotNotts OP Man
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
"I just looked at an old thread about the 5 love languages and hardly anyone has Acts of Service as their most prominent one. I'm clearly a lazy twat who needs a domestic servant "
I actually do , it’s not the most prominent one , but I really appreciate it much more than words of affirmation. I have a very special fab friend who will come over and hang out here and just re-organise my pantry, re pot plants or etc while I work and it’s one of the nicest things someone can do for me ! |
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By *rHotNotts OP Man
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
"It's a tough one. When we're tired and overstretched it's so easy to forget a partner's needs are not the same as your own, good communication is essential. I've been guilty of forgetting at times, especially when my children were tiny."
What about with a brand new person , If your flirting / seducing. Like holding hands or stroking feet without thinking is touch even their predominant language ? |
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By *rHotNotts OP Man
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
"I definitely think the 5 love languages are useful to understand but I think it's worth looking at it in a broader way. How does this individual person show they care? For example, my partner has never really bought me valentines gifts or extravagant birthday presents but he remembers my favourite foods and drinks and picks them up when he goes to the shops. If he thinks I'm having a tough time he plans a nice dinner. I joke that he's a feeder but it's his way of expressing his love. I've dated someone else who was a fixer. I mentioned my potatoes being cold at an event and he quietly asked a waitor for new ones for me and I only knew when they brought them over. When I was really stressed out he bought me colouring books and some gummies from Holland and Barrett that were supposed to help with sleep. I posted his birthday present once and it went missing and he tried to sort it out himself with Royal Mail because he didn't want me to be upset. Both on the other hand are terrible at remembering to reply to messages. If I concentrated on that I could convince myself they didn't care but when you look at the other things I described, they very evidently did. "
I get what you are saying , the love languages are not in competition with other types of showing you care at all. it’s just a theory but it can be helpful in staying close & resolving relationship conflicts
Fixers - sometimes we might not want everything fixing ( life’s more complex than cold potatoes!) and a fixer is doing what they think is best because they are (possibly) in default mode, you might prefer they just just really listen and nod without advising (quality time) or say some nice affirming worlds, or rub your feet!
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By *rHotNotts OP Man
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
"I tend to use a mixture of both mine and theirs. I know it's important to understand and respect the other person's love language as they may not fully understand/appreciate yours, but personally I need to also show my love in my own way. "
I get that totally. Even when I’m aware I still sometimes do it because it’s me  |
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By *rHotNotts OP Man
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
"I usually just ask them rather than guessing. I had a conversation with my partner this weekend about them, just to make sure we’re meeting each other’s needs"
But they wouldn’t know , most people are not that self aware or even if they are would never have thought about it like that and will struggle to pick one of the 5. Plus isn’t it more fun figuring it out ? |
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By *rHotNotts OP Man
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
"The 5 love languages. K and I are both second timers and did it very early on. It has really helped us. We are thankfully super compatible. K and I have physical touch in our top 2 so always helpful.
Do believe it can potentially give some insight on how well (and happy) a relationship could be. Have friends where for example one person has affirmation number 1 and their partner has it rated 4 with a low number. Their partner doesn’t need it and therefore doesn’t put value on it naturally (and doesn’t do it). Therefore their opposite doesn’t get what they get need. Issues ensue….
As ever everything can be worked on. But you couples out there. Do have a look at it. "
You are right, it’s a great tool for couples. I actually used it once on a marriage course a very long time ago and they are all still together - except me  it’s also good for couples that need to reconnect if they have drifted, but you have to be prepared to put the effort in reading the book alone won’t fix anything
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By *rHotNotts OP Man
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
"I'm a fixer and show love with acts of servitude, but my partner is of the quality time ilk. I find it really difficult when he doesn't let me help with tasks that he struggles with but I find easy. He doesn't want to put me out or add to my chores, not realising that it's always easier to help with someone else's to-do list than your own, and I love to help! It's frustrating at times, but we're getting better at communicating our needs. "
I’m a fixer in my day job and used to be an automatic fixer with partners but found that many people don’t want your solutions they just want to vent and have you listen ! |
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By *rHotNotts OP Man
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
"I love the 5 love languages,it really can help understand the other in a relationship, it was used a lot in sex therapy with a former partner a few years ago.
To keep it in the forefront of your mind and act accordingly is hard though. It's all too easy to just be you and forget especially if you've spent years together before without the knowledge.
I'm a quality time and words of affirmation type and I was with an acts of service guy. I found that quite hard to do without feeling like I was taking over and making him feel lesser ..he often took it that way. I think when you're opposites it can be particularly difficult. He'd struggle to see why him cooking me dinner was not enough to stop me being upset at not going out for dinner and vice versa.
T"
That’s a really good example. Thanks for sharing  |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
. |
I wouldn't say I'm perfect at not projecting my own love languages on to others - for one, a predominant one of mine isn't just my love language. It's a very strong part of my identity and it's how I communicate with others. I do need reminding sometimes (internally or not) that for others they might not respond or like it in the way I will. And that's okay. I don't want to not be authentic.
I don't try and change my behaviour, I'll still keep using my primary two because I'm human but... once I know someone's love language (which becomes apparent with enough attention), then I'll try and engage with that. For all my walls, I'm a bit of a people pleaser. Maybe not even a people pleaser. It's more, I'm aware of the other person and if things bring them joy, I'll be happy with that joy and want to try and invite it back for them whenever I can. I'm learning though, far from perfect. And I wouldn't want to be because it's nice if speaking another's love language is, to a certain extent, organic. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It's a tough one. When we're tired and overstretched it's so easy to forget a partner's needs are not the same as your own, good communication is essential. I've been guilty of forgetting at times, especially when my children were tiny.
What about with a brand new person , If your flirting / seducing. Like holding hands or stroking feet without thinking is touch even their predominant language ? "
I tend to wait and see how they are with me first rather than jumping in with whatever I feel like. I'm more responsive than proactive. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'm a fixer and show love with acts of servitude, but my partner is of the quality time ilk. I find it really difficult when he doesn't let me help with tasks that he struggles with but I find easy. He doesn't want to put me out or add to my chores, not realising that it's always easier to help with someone else's to-do list than your own, and I love to help! It's frustrating at times, but we're getting better at communicating our needs.
I’m a fixer in my day job and used to be an automatic fixer with partners but found that many people don’t want your solutions they just want to vent and have you listen ! "
I learned that lesson with my ex-husband. My current frustration comes from not being allowed to help with anything at all! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I'm a fixer and show love with acts of servitude, but my partner is of the quality time ilk. I find it really difficult when he doesn't let me help with tasks that he struggles with but I find easy. He doesn't want to put me out or add to my chores, not realising that it's always easier to help with someone else's to-do list than your own, and I love to help! It's frustrating at times, but we're getting better at communicating our needs.
I’m a fixer in my day job and used to be an automatic fixer with partners but found that many people don’t want your solutions they just want to vent and have you listen !
I learned that lesson with my ex-husband. My current frustration comes from not being allowed to help with anything at all!"
That sounds like I'm overbearing. I'm really not, quite the opposite in fact, but to be the person in receipt of help all the time without the opportunity to reciprocate doesn't feel right. I want to return the favour or it feels like I'm taking advantage. |
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"I definitely think the 5 love languages are useful to understand but I think it's worth looking at it in a broader way. How does this individual person show they care? For example, my partner has never really bought me valentines gifts or extravagant birthday presents but he remembers my favourite foods and drinks and picks them up when he goes to the shops. If he thinks I'm having a tough time he plans a nice dinner. I joke that he's a feeder but it's his way of expressing his love. I've dated someone else who was a fixer. I mentioned my potatoes being cold at an event and he quietly asked a waitor for new ones for me and I only knew when they brought them over. When I was really stressed out he bought me colouring books and some gummies from Holland and Barrett that were supposed to help with sleep. I posted his birthday present once and it went missing and he tried to sort it out himself with Royal Mail because he didn't want me to be upset. Both on the other hand are terrible at remembering to reply to messages. If I concentrated on that I could convince myself they didn't care but when you look at the other things I described, they very evidently did.
I get what you are saying , the love languages are not in competition with other types of showing you care at all. it’s just a theory but it can be helpful in staying close & resolving relationship conflicts
Fixers - sometimes we might not want everything fixing ( life’s more complex than cold potatoes!) and a fixer is doing what they think is best because they are (possibly) in default mode, you might prefer they just just really listen and nod without advising (quality time) or say some nice affirming worlds, or rub your feet!
"
I don't think you've quite understood what I was trying to say. What I meant was that of course its important that I get my needs met and receive things that make me feel loved but I've personally found it really helpful in relationships to learn the way a person naturally expresses their love which can sometimes be in very specific and unique ways. Sometimes we can miss these things if we're used to people expressing love in different ways or looking at the love languages from a broader sense. |
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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"I usually just ask them rather than guessing. I had a conversation with my partner this weekend about them, just to make sure we’re meeting each other’s needs
But they wouldn’t know , most people are not that self aware or even if they are would never have thought about it like that and will struggle to pick one of the 5. Plus isn’t it more fun figuring it out ? "
If you’ve done the quiz, then surely just ask them to?
I don’t see what the point is in guessing and surely it’s better for both of you if you understand them. Who doesn’t want to be loved in a way that meets their needs? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'm a fixer and show love with acts of servitude, but my partner is of the quality time ilk. I find it really difficult when he doesn't let me help with tasks that he struggles with but I find easy. He doesn't want to put me out or add to my chores, not realising that it's always easier to help with someone else's to-do list than your own, and I love to help! It's frustrating at times, but we're getting better at communicating our needs.
I’m a fixer in my day job and used to be an automatic fixer with partners but found that many people don’t want your solutions they just want to vent and have you listen !
I learned that lesson with my ex-husband. My current frustration comes from not being allowed to help with anything at all!"
You help more than you realize, |
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By *rHotNotts OP Man
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
"I usually just ask them rather than guessing. I had a conversation with my partner this weekend about them, just to make sure we’re meeting each other’s needs
But they wouldn’t know , most people are not that self aware or even if they are would never have thought about it like that and will struggle to pick one of the 5. Plus isn’t it more fun figuring it out ?
If you’ve done the quiz, then surely just ask them to?
I don’t see what the point is in guessing and surely it’s better for both of you if you understand them. Who doesn’t want to be loved in a way that meets their needs? "
Well to be honest I don’t think doing a quick internet quiz has much value , peolle tend to answer these things how they think they ought to answer or how they like to think they are. The best way to ascertain your love language is with lots of real examples.
Figuring it out, by getting to know someone properly isn’t guessing , asking someone to take a quiz to help you know how to treat them could be viewed as insensitive and lacking relational wisdom / maturity. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'm a fixer and show love with acts of servitude, but my partner is of the quality time ilk. I find it really difficult when he doesn't let me help with tasks that he struggles with but I find easy. He doesn't want to put me out or add to my chores, not realising that it's always easier to help with someone else's to-do list than your own, and I love to help! It's frustrating at times, but we're getting better at communicating our needs.
I’m a fixer in my day job and used to be an automatic fixer with partners but found that many people don’t want your solutions they just want to vent and have you listen !
I learned that lesson with my ex-husband. My current frustration comes from not being allowed to help with anything at all!
You help more than you realize,"
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