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When is too soon?
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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In connection with another thread, someone saying I love you after the first meet...
When is it not too soon to drop the L bomb? 2 weeks, 2 months?
Why does there have to be a pre- determined amount of time before its acceptable?
Why can't we tell people we care about them without it being weird?
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I don't think there is a fixed amount of time. I think the issue arises when one person clearly misreads the feelings, intentions and needs of the other.
Mr |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Here’s the thing. I’ve kept my feelings about a lot of things hidden for a long time. And having someone around not opening up
Left me with an ache that was unbearable.
Whatever I feel I want to say, and I may say it, at least they know.
But love/lust/infatuation can be blurred, I’m mature enough to know the difference. And 2 weeks… I’d wait a little longer to know if it was.
I fell for my wife (ex) quite early on. After a few month i said something which she picked up on, and I admired I’d loved her for a while. I was waiting for her, because I was scared to show my hand. 
Cupid can strike anytime. Love at first sight exists when two souls are lucky to find each other.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"In connection with another thread, someone saying I love you after the first meet...
When is it not too soon to drop the L bomb? 2 weeks, 2 months?
Why does there have to be a pre- determined amount of time before its acceptable?
Why can't we tell people we care about them without it being weird?
"
When I met the mister we moved in together within 2 months. 13 years later its definitely not a regret. Not everyone's timescales work for everyone else |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
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I don't think there's anything wrong with admitting your feelings - love comes in a myriad of forms and it should be celebrated.
That being said, I think someone can be in love with the idea of someone, rather than the reality. Another person has the right to feel uncomfortable with the declaration of love, to feel it's too soon or they don't feel the same.
I don't think the timing is so much the issue as misaligned views with the recipient of the "love". |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I don't think there is a set amount. But after one meeting it's a bit weird. When it's right it's right but you have to at least know them first. "
Yeah I get that on the first meeting it's misplaced, maybe they'd been talking a fair bit beforehand..
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I don't think there is a set amount. But after one meeting it's a bit weird. When it's right it's right but you have to at least know them first.
Yeah I get that on the first meeting it's misplaced, maybe they'd been talking a fair bit beforehand..
"
I know right. Very little back story with a short post on a thread. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Once you believe for sure that it's love for the person, not love for the moments together, that it's not infatuation or loneliness that's speaking.
Then it can be discussed. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Once you believe for sure that it's love for the person, not love for the moments together, that it's not infatuation or loneliness that's speaking.
Then it can be discussed."
Discussed???? Aren’t you the romantic one? |
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I'll tell him I care about him as soon as I feel that my attachment is secure. I'm not looking for a reciprocation answer, and he will know me well enough by then to understand my feelings.
I think there's too much pressure on the love words tbh |
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My brother and sister in law met and were married in less than 6 months.... that was 17 years ago and they’re possibly the happiest couple I know.
I’ve been guilty of getting caught up in the excitement of a new relationship and thinking I was in love.... only realising after a number of months that I definitely wasn’t.
There are no “rules” when it comes to love.... I think some people are more open to to giving and receiving love than others |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Once you believe for sure that it's love for the person, not love for the moments together, that it's not infatuation or loneliness that's speaking.
Then it can be discussed.
Discussed???? Aren’t you the romantic one? "
When I believe it's safe to be
I find it often begins with a ....... I have feelings for you, or, I think I love you, words similar.
That brings in the discussion of whether or not both are in the same place |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Until you've known someone a good while you can't really know if you love them. Being in lust, infatuation etc are seriously powerful feelings abd as Meli said, anything early on is being in love with your idea of who they are. People are on their best behaviour, only showing you their most appealing traits, as we all do in new relationships. It's so very easy to fill in the knowledge gaps with an idealised version. The people who say "I love you" within a month are confusing intense attraction with love. I think the people who married within 6 months and have stayed together happily for decades are simply very lucky that they actually loved and liked their spouse for who they are as the self-enhanced version gradullay made way for the true person beneath. For every success story there will another couple for whom it ended unpleasantly. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Until you've known someone a good while you can't really know if you love them. Being in lust, infatuation etc are seriously powerful feelings abd as Meli said, anything early on is being in love with your idea of who they are. People are on their best behaviour, only showing you their most appealing traits, as we all do in new relationships. It's so very easy to fill in the knowledge gaps with an idealised version. The people who say "I love you" within a month are confusing intense attraction with love. I think the people who married within 6 months and have stayed together happily for decades are simply very lucky that they actually loved and liked their spouse for who they are as the self-enhanced version gradullay made way for the true person beneath. For every success story there will another couple for whom it ended unpleasantly. "
I like this. It is so easy to fall foul of survivorship bias in our reasoning.
Mr |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I don't think there is a set amount. But after one meeting it's a bit weird. When it's right it's right but you have to at least know them first.
Yeah I get that on the first meeting it's misplaced, maybe they'd been talking a fair bit beforehand..
I know right. Very little back story with a short post on a thread. "
That's what I thought...there must have been more to it than a stranger turning up and after a few hrs they're saying I love you... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think they might be confusing lust with love.
It’s a very nice thought though and I’m sure some people do instantly know it could develop into that extremely quickly.
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By *lynJMan
over a year ago
Morden |
When I met my partner, we knew pretty quickly that we were meant for each other. We'd exchanged emails and phone calls before we met in RL. I'd met her (extended) family within a month of the first date.
We were together for 18 years until she passed away. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Next question. How do you know you don’t love them anymore?
I ask the questions so I don't have to think too deeply "
Joking.
I think falling out of love takes time and that then leads to falling in love...although maybe that's quicker because it's more pleasant.
For me, falling out of love comes from, needs not being met, emotional distance and the feeling of just not connecting anymore...
The opposite could be true for falling in love. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"When I met my partner, we knew pretty quickly that we were meant for each other. We'd exchanged emails and phone calls before we met in RL. I'd met her (extended) family within a month of the first date.
We were together for 18 years until she passed away. "
Really sorry to hear about your loss, happy that you got to find each other and make some nice memories together. |
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By *lynJMan
over a year ago
Morden |
"When I met my partner, we knew pretty quickly that we were meant for each other. We'd exchanged emails and phone calls before we met in RL. I'd met her (extended) family within a month of the first date.
We were together for 18 years until she passed away.
Really sorry to hear about your loss, happy that you got to find each other and make some nice memories together. "
Thank you  |
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"In connection with another thread, someone saying I love you after the first meet...
When is it not too soon to drop the L bomb? 2 weeks, 2 months?
Why does there have to be a pre- determined amount of time before its acceptable?
Why can't we tell people we care about them without it being weird?
"
When it feels right, though first meet might be a little soon |
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There's no blanket time time to cover all people. For us it was about three weeks, and we were only communicating over the Internet because we were on different continents. We hadn't met at that point and it was at six months before we did, but it was obvious to both of us that something big was going on. |
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I dont think there's a set time, my ex it took a long time to say it, probably aroused a year, with the Mr it was quick, I definitely got swept away, we chatted a lot, met a lot and yeah we're still going strong.
I think love/lust/lovebombing can all be misinterpreted too but when you feel it you feel it. Personally as long as you've time to get to know someone then that's long enough.
Mrs |
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By *ancer36Woman
over a year ago
Stirling |
I don’t like timeframes - like let’s wait x amount of time before we do this or that, or say something or what not
What are we actually waiting for? If I feel something I’ll say it, love however for me isn’t something I’ll feel instantly I need connection, communication, laugher a comfortableness and an excitement with someone that rolls into one and when I feel it sometimes it doesn’t need to be said the other person just knows from the way I look at them or treat them
It’s often banded about with no sincerity behind it x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I don’t like timeframes - like let’s wait x amount of time before we do this or that, or say something or what not
What are we actually waiting for? If I feel something I’ll say it, love however for me isn’t something I’ll feel instantly I need connection, communication, laugher a comfortableness and an excitement with someone that rolls into one and when I feel it sometimes it doesn’t need to be said the other person just knows from the way I look at them or treat them
It’s often banded about with no sincerity behind it x"
I’m an adult too, I like your thinking.  |
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By *amantMan
over a year ago
Alnmouth |
So it's a very interesting question. However, there are simply too many variables on when can really be too soon. We're all online, so I think it is a safe assumption to suggest most of us have, at some stage in our lives, tried internet dating (assuming you don't consider this to be a form of it). Because of COVID, and other reasons, it became possible to meet someone through internet dating, without actually having the possibility of even scheduling a date, especially if there are many miles between the two. If you'd met someone online and were unable to meet for months on end, if not a year, could it be love if you hadn't met them in person? Dissenting voices will say reality is different, and there certainly is truth to it. But if you're spending hour upon hour on video calls, messaging, doing stuff virtually, I think you will definitely be able to build up a good rapport with someone. Putting that aside, imagine we agree it can't be love until you've been together in reality. The first meeting is finally able to be scheduled and two people spend a weekend together. Imagine it goes great, everything they thought it would be and so much more. Even then, dissenting voices would argue both would be on their best behaviour, really going the extra mile and all the rest of it. And there would be truth in that too. So then is it love? Say they'd been mutually exclusive for an entire year and spent hours talking every night. Could we really say it wasn't love after the first meeting, if not before? This may sound like an extreme case but in the context of what we all endured in the last few years, this was quite real for a lot of people.
My grandparents married not all that long after they'd started 'courting'. Was it really love? They had been going out a few months maybe, at most. They recently celebrated their diamond anniversary and are happy together. They had no period where they lived together first or a 'settling in' period. And their experience of married life isn't exactly a deviation of the norm. When they got married, the expectation was that was it. Who am I to say they only fell in love after they were married? Or that love is not the experience of the couple who met for just a couple of days after being mutually exclusive for a year? |
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It depends what you mean by love.
My parents had been together 70 years when my mum died. The love they felt for each other was very different to the love someone might feel for a relative stranger. We've been together over 40 years. I think we'd both agree that the love we feel now is vastly different to how we felt when we first got together.
I think most people who say they they love someone mean it...at the time. |
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By *adyJayneWoman
over a year ago
Burnleyish (She/They) |
"In connection with another thread, someone saying I love you after the first meet...
When is it not too soon to drop the L bomb? 2 weeks, 2 months?
Why does there have to be a pre- determined amount of time before its acceptable?
Why can't we tell people we care about them without it being weird?
When I met the mister we moved in together within 2 months. 13 years later its definitely not a regret. Not everyone's timescales work for everyone else "
My husband moved in within 3 months. Been together nearly 10 years and married 6.  |
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