FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > A rant about anonymity
A rant about anonymity
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I feel like the anonymous aspect of fab (and arguably the internet as a whole) brings out the worst in people. It's easy to project your biases and stereotypes onto a profile when a username,picture(s) and maybe a sentence or two is all you have to work out who this person is.
You have no deep understanding of what makes them tick and how they formed their views. You might agree on much more than you'd realise, you might share hobbies or love the same band.
Behind all those profiles there's complex, flawed and wonderful human beings. No doubt you'd find a way to get along in person. Perhaps you'd even like them.
I reckon we'd all do well to give people a chance to properly express themselves before we jump down their throat and assume they're the enemy.
Whatcha all reckon?
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By *ohn KanakaMan
over a year ago
Not all that North of North London |
"
I reckon we'd all do well to give people a chance to properly express themselves before we jump down their throat and assume they're the enemy.
"
It took me a long time to learn to respond to the post and not the poster despite getting frustrated when it happened to me
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That's why it's nice to get to know people a bit, before they stick anything near my throat 
Being serious, isn't it the same for any online forum, be it Fab, Mumsnet or whatever? Until you get to know someone, you can never fully understand their POV etc. |
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I don't have time to do that on here. I'll meet people at socials and possibly get to know them better, but I'm not here to get to know loads of people thoroughly, my focus is on my sexual playmates, past, present and future |
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"
I reckon we'd all do well to give people a chance to properly express themselves before we jump down their throat and assume they're the enemy.
It took me a long time to learn to respond to the post and not the poster despite getting frustrated when it happened to me
"
In this scenario the post is only a few dozen characters. It can't possibly come close to giving a fully rounded impression of a person. You'd need 100,000s of words. It seems to be in human nature to take that tiny amount of information and run with it. Not our greatest feature as a species. |
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By *ister CMan
over a year ago
liverpool |
"I feel like the anonymous aspect of fab (and arguably the internet as a whole) brings out the worst in people. It's easy to project your biases and stereotypes onto a profile when a username,picture(s) and maybe a sentence or two is all you have to work out who this person is.
You have no deep understanding of what makes them tick and how they formed their views. You might agree on much more than you'd realise, you might share hobbies or love the same band.
Behind all those profiles there's complex, flawed and wonderful human beings. No doubt you'd find a way to get along in person. Perhaps you'd even like them.
I reckon we'd all do well to give people a chance to properly express themselves before we jump down their throat and assume they're the enemy.
Whatcha all reckon?
"
I reckon the Internet and forums are far to volumous places to consider each and every post and person...
Its a throw away place... a play of fast food potinification and buzz word experts...
Enjoy the veneer... |
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True but not always easy to do I think a lot of us find that easy to forget and just react
I try not to I try to consider that people have their reasons for saying what they do but it’s hard esp if what they write borders on or is offensive |
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By *elkieWoman
over a year ago
Durham |
So…this week I’ve seen a couple of things that are OTT offensive. There’s a line. If someone doesn’t care that they’re upsetting other humans, if they choose to cross that line, I don’t want to find out what I have in common with them. |
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"
I reckon we'd all do well to give people a chance to properly express themselves before we jump down their throat and assume they're the enemy.
It took me a long time to learn to respond to the post and not the poster despite getting frustrated when it happened to me
In this scenario the post is only a few dozen characters. It can't possibly come close to giving a fully rounded impression of a person. You'd need 100,000s of words. It seems to be in human nature to take that tiny amount of information and run with it. Not our greatest feature as a species. "
Doesn't it depend what the small amount of information is though? If someone says "put the Nazis back in power, they were great!" then I think it's kind of fair to draw some fairly strong conclusions. If someone says "the Nazis actually did some good things" I might ask for a little more context (mostly through sheer hope that they're talking about some benign, obscure achievement  ). |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
I reckon we'd all do well to give people a chance to properly express themselves before we jump down their throat and assume they're the enemy.
It took me a long time to learn to respond to the post and not the poster despite getting frustrated when it happened to me
In this scenario the post is only a few dozen characters. It can't possibly come close to giving a fully rounded impression of a person. You'd need 100,000s of words. It seems to be in human nature to take that tiny amount of information and run with it. Not our greatest feature as a species.
Doesn't it depend what the small amount of information is though? If someone says "put the Nazis back in power, they were great!" then I think it's kind of fair to draw some fairly strong conclusions. If someone says "the Nazis actually did some good things" I might ask for a little more context (mostly through sheer hope that they're talking about some benign, obscure achievement ). "
This! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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This is way the forums is a grate wonderful place
It allows people to see what other are like without really even needing to chat to them
You can get a sens off them
Yes people can fake it sort off thing
But only for a short time at some point or another they will show them true selfs
Over a prolonged period off time
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"So…this week I’ve seen a couple of things that are OTT offensive. There’s a line. If someone doesn’t care that they’re upsetting other humans, if they choose to cross that line, I don’t want to find out what I have in common with them. "
This! |
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"
I reckon we'd all do well to give people a chance to properly express themselves before we jump down their throat and assume they're the enemy.
It took me a long time to learn to respond to the post and not the poster despite getting frustrated when it happened to me
In this scenario the post is only a few dozen characters. It can't possibly come close to giving a fully rounded impression of a person. You'd need 100,000s of words. It seems to be in human nature to take that tiny amount of information and run with it. Not our greatest feature as a species.
Doesn't it depend what the small amount of information is though? If someone says "put the Nazis back in power, they were great!" then I think it's kind of fair to draw some fairly strong conclusions. If someone says "the Nazis actually did some good things" I might ask for a little more context (mostly through sheer hope that they're talking about some benign, obscure achievement ). "
You've raised a good point. There's certain red lines where it's obvious there's very little to gain from investing in learning about someone.
It's more of the grey areas in between I'm trying to put under the magnifying glass.
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"This is way the forums is a grate wonderful place
It allows people to see what other are like without really even needing to chat to them
You can get a sens off them
Yes people can fake it sort off thing
But only for a short time at some point or another they will show them true selfs
Over a prolonged period off time
"
I'll say I'm guilty in doing this too. A huge part of making a connection for me is that question of who people are and what they believe. If someone's way too far from my realm of reality I'll make a mental note just to not engage with them. |
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By *ohn KanakaMan
over a year ago
Not all that North of North London |
"Even in writing these replies I don't feel like I'm able to fully articulate properly what I believe. Text just isn't a good method of communication."
I get what you mean I think. It's when someone posts something not overly controversial but words it poorly, an early reply is a bit snide and that appears to be a green light to everyone to pile on |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"This is way the forums is a grate wonderful place
It allows people to see what other are like without really even needing to chat to them
You can get a sens off them
Yes people can fake it sort off thing
But only for a short time at some point or another they will show them true selfs
Over a prolonged period off time
I'll say I'm guilty in doing this too. A huge part of making a connection for me is that question of who people are and what they believe. If someone's way too far from my realm of reality I'll make a mental note just to not engage with them."
It’s not necessarily fool proof that way
As it’s a open public forum so some people don’t give to much away
They will show what kind off person they are but not who they really are
To meny people just want to know stuff to shame orther and stuff so people lock things away |
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"Even in writing these replies I don't feel like I'm able to fully articulate properly what I believe. Text just isn't a good method of communication.
I get what you mean I think. It's when someone posts something not overly controversial but words it poorly, an early reply is a bit snide and that appears to be a green light to everyone to pile on"
So true. We're never our best selves when we're trying to formulate an opinion in 100 characters, usually in a rush. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"In all areas of life we go on the information we have. Not just online. "
That isn’t necessarily a good thing as you could totally have the wrong information about someone
And when it turns out to be wrong
You could have already unknowny to you burned that bridge before you even got a chance to make sed bring
I always say I go on how people treat me not what others think
As they could be being very vendtice and still trying to be controlling
The only way information like that works if you were there and hafe both sides otherwise
It could be totally bs |
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"In all areas of life we go on the information we have. Not just online.
That isn’t necessarily a good thing as you could totally have the wrong information about someone
And when it turns out to be wrong
You could have already unknowny to you burned that bridge before you even got a chance to make sed bring
I always say I go on how people treat me not what others think
As they could be being very vendtice and still trying to be controlling
The only way information like that works if you were there and hafe both sides otherwise
It could be totally bs "
Yes
But we can do nothing else.
We need to interact with people, and to do so we use the data we have |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"In all areas of life we go on the information we have. Not just online.
That isn’t necessarily a good thing as you could totally have the wrong information about someone
And when it turns out to be wrong
You could have already unknowny to you burned that bridge before you even got a chance to make sed bring
I always say I go on how people treat me not what others think
As they could be being very vendtice and still trying to be controlling
The only way information like that works if you were there and hafe both sides otherwise
It could be totally bs
Yes
But we can do nothing else.
We need to interact with people, and to do so we use the data we have"
That is true but again it could be wrong and could have burned a bridge in the prossece |
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"In all areas of life we go on the information we have. Not just online.
That isn’t necessarily a good thing as you could totally have the wrong information about someone
And when it turns out to be wrong
You could have already unknowny to you burned that bridge before you even got a chance to make sed bring
I always say I go on how people treat me not what others think
As they could be being very vendtice and still trying to be controlling
The only way information like that works if you were there and hafe both sides otherwise
It could be totally bs
Yes
But we can do nothing else.
We need to interact with people, and to do so we use the data we have
That is true but again it could be wrong and could have burned a bridge in the prossece "
Yes. That's life |
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"That's why it's nice to get to know people a bit, before they stick anything near my throat
Being serious, isn't it the same for any online forum, be it Fab, Mumsnet or whatever? Until you get to know someone, you can never fully understand their POV etc."
I knew someone would pick up on that
I can't speak for any experiences on Mumsnet. It's all a product of human nature at the end of the day. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"In all areas of life we go on the information we have. Not just online.
That isn’t necessarily a good thing as you could totally have the wrong information about someone
And when it turns out to be wrong
You could have already unknowny to you burned that bridge before you even got a chance to make sed bring
I always say I go on how people treat me not what others think
As they could be being very vendtice and still trying to be controlling
The only way information like that works if you were there and hafe both sides otherwise
It could be totally bs
Yes
But we can do nothing else.
We need to interact with people, and to do so we use the data we have
That is true but again it could be wrong and could have burned a bridge in the prossece
Yes. That's life "
Definitely not a good way to go about life as you could really be cutting someone so worth while out |
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"I don't have time to do that on here. I'll meet people at socials and possibly get to know them better, but I'm not here to get to know loads of people thoroughly, my focus is on my sexual playmates, past, present and future "
Yes I just need enough easy chat to be able to ensure a fun fuck play etc happens in meets . Not here looking life long friends / lovers .. so really I am not that interested In peoples inner life views I have my actual family / friends for that . |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I try to ask questions and understand motive but a lot of the time people aren't prepared to enter into anything but a superficial conversation. That's fine but you will be misunderstood "
Exactly this and the fact some will use anonymity to provoke a reaction. I think some of people have their days and it comes out online. But I think you can often tell who’s an arsehole and for whatever reasons act that way most/all the time. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I don't think it has changed much. People react as they have always done. They used to thump the table to their friends or strangers at the pub. Now, everyone has a means to vocalise it more 'loudly'.
Bad manners and lack of respect are just that. They have been changing and evolving throughout history. People come to accept new behaviour as normality over time and it is no longer viewed in the same light as it was in the past.
I don't use the internet much and no social media at all except for this site. From what I see here, people are still behaving the way they have done in the past, merely on a wider platform to a bigger audience. |
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"In all areas of life we go on the information we have. Not just online.
That isn’t necessarily a good thing as you could totally have the wrong information about someone
And when it turns out to be wrong
You could have already unknowny to you burned that bridge before you even got a chance to make sed bring
I always say I go on how people treat me not what others think
As they could be being very vendtice and still trying to be controlling
The only way information like that works if you were there and hafe both sides otherwise
It could be totally bs
Yes
But we can do nothing else.
We need to interact with people, and to do so we use the data we have
That is true but again it could be wrong and could have burned a bridge in the prossece
Yes. That's life
Definitely not a good way to go about life as you could really be cutting someone so worth while out "
So how do you determine how to treat someone, if not by the evidence they've presented you?
The homeless person on the end of my street screaming about the Illuminati might be entirely worthwhile, but I'm going to avoid based on the data I have to hand. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"In all areas of life we go on the information we have. Not just online.
That isn’t necessarily a good thing as you could totally have the wrong information about someone
And when it turns out to be wrong
You could have already unknowny to you burned that bridge before you even got a chance to make sed bring
I always say I go on how people treat me not what others think
As they could be being very vendtice and still trying to be controlling
The only way information like that works if you were there and hafe both sides otherwise
It could be totally bs
Yes
But we can do nothing else.
We need to interact with people, and to do so we use the data we have
That is true but again it could be wrong and could have burned a bridge in the prossece
Yes. That's life
Definitely not a good way to go about life as you could really be cutting someone so worth while out
So how do you determine how to treat someone, if not by the evidence they've presented you?
The homeless person on the end of my street screaming about the Illuminati might be entirely worthwhile, but I'm going to avoid based on the data I have to hand. "
By how they treat me it really is that simple to be honest
So say you don’t know someone really at all and treat them badly base on a “friend” but unknownly to you sed friend is a lier being manipulative and still trying to control from the outside
You being nasty to that person
Now means that person dose not like you at all
Whare you could have had the best thing possible with no problems at all and never any hassle or anything but because off sed friend and the way you were means that bridge is well and truly burned and gone |
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"I try to ask questions and understand motive but a lot of the time people aren't prepared to enter into anything but a superficial conversation. That's fine but you will be misunderstood
Exactly this and the fact some will use anonymity to provoke a reaction. I think some of people have their days and it comes out online. But I think you can often tell who’s an arsehole and for whatever reasons act that way most/all the time. "
Yep and it doesn't matter how carefully you consider what you post there will be subtle tells that observant people pick up on
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"In all areas of life we go on the information we have. Not just online.
That isn’t necessarily a good thing as you could totally have the wrong information about someone
And when it turns out to be wrong
You could have already unknowny to you burned that bridge before you even got a chance to make sed bring
I always say I go on how people treat me not what others think
As they could be being very vendtice and still trying to be controlling
The only way information like that works if you were there and hafe both sides otherwise
It could be totally bs
Yes
But we can do nothing else.
We need to interact with people, and to do so we use the data we have
That is true but again it could be wrong and could have burned a bridge in the prossece
Yes. That's life
Definitely not a good way to go about life as you could really be cutting someone so worth while out
So how do you determine how to treat someone, if not by the evidence they've presented you?
The homeless person on the end of my street screaming about the Illuminati might be entirely worthwhile, but I'm going to avoid based on the data I have to hand.
By how they treat me it really is that simple to be honest
So say you don’t know someone really at all and treat them badly base on a “friend” but unknownly to you sed friend is a lier being manipulative and still trying to control from the outside
You being nasty to that person
Now means that person dose not like you at all
Whare you could have had the best thing possible with no problems at all and never any hassle or anything but because off sed friend and the way you were means that bridge is well and truly burned and gone "
Or maybe your friend is a trusted source and you proceed with caution, observe for yourself, and act accordingly.
I've wasted far too long on people where I've observed or been told about red flags. I'm not going to assume everyone is my bestie without or even in spite of evidence to the contrary. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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As I've not been able to post on the forum until now, I've just observed people for a month. I'd have to agree with Natalie that you really get a sense over time of what people are like. How they respond to others, what words they choose, what topics they choose to post about. What happens if there is disagreement.
People generally show them selves over time. Here or in a chat - if you're paying enough attention. |
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"That's why it's nice to get to know people a bit, before they stick anything near my throat
Being serious, isn't it the same for any online forum, be it Fab, Mumsnet or whatever? Until you get to know someone, you can never fully understand their POV etc.
I knew someone would pick up on that
I can't speak for any experiences on Mumsnet. It's all a product of human nature at the end of the day."
You can rely on me to lower the tone, C
I have no experience on Mumsnet specifically either (!) but knowing other fora that both Mr KC and I use or have used in the past, it's the same thing across the board. As you say, it's pretty much impossible to get across all that you feel/believe/think about a topic in a brief, written statement online. All of a person's prior experience in life might be behind what they are writing, which obviously cannot be conveyed. Nor can "tone of voice" or facial expression. I'm often playfully teasing in what I say, but it benefits from eye contact  |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
. |
"As I've not been able to post on the forum until now, I've just observed people for a month. I'd have to agree with Natalie that you really get a sense over time of what people are like. How they respond to others, what words they choose, what topics they choose to post about. What happens if there is disagreement.
People generally show them selves over time. Here or in a chat - if you're paying enough attention. "
A whole month. That must have been torture, sorry to read that. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"As I've not been able to post on the forum until now, I've just observed people for a month. I'd have to agree with Natalie that you really get a sense over time of what people are like. How they respond to others, what words they choose, what topics they choose to post about. What happens if there is disagreement.
People generally show them selves over time. Here or in a chat - if you're paying enough attention.
A whole month. That must have been torture, sorry to read that. "
 . It was a little frustrating! |
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It's very easy to suggest responding to the post and not the poster but that isn't always possible if you have personal history with the poster or know that they often have a hidden agenda.
They could have a long forum history of being antagonistic or shitstirring.
There are many threads started by productive plagiarists that I refuse to comment on regardless of the topic or how strongly I feel about it because I know they are not what they seem at all. |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"I feel like the anonymous aspect of fab (and arguably the internet as a whole) brings out the worst in people. It's easy to project your biases and stereotypes onto a profile when a username,picture(s) and maybe a sentence or two is all you have to work out who this person is.
You have no deep understanding of what makes them tick and how they formed their views. You might agree on much more than you'd realise, you might share hobbies or love the same band.
Behind all those profiles there's complex, flawed and wonderful human beings. No doubt you'd find a way to get along in person. Perhaps you'd even like them.
I reckon we'd all do well to give people a chance to properly express themselves before we jump down their throat and assume they're the enemy.
Whatcha all reckon?
"
I think some use anonymity to release their repressed alter-ego. Some do it for mischief, some to be hateful in a way that is denied to them by social norms.
When you meet someone in the flesh you afford them much more leeway, because of those social norms. It doesn't stop you projecting your biases and stereotypes, it just prevents you sayinng them out loud because then people will 'know' you in a way that they don't wish to be known.
I try to keep an open mind about people; my first opinion of them, based on their posts, will be checked using the green arrow (not something I can do when I meet someone in the flesh) and reading subsequent posts.
I ignore whole threads if they have been started by people I know will make me feel angry. I have made a judgement - we all do. Others I engage with as I can see we have a different view but capable of remaining adults in our disagreement.
Then there is a category that can post quite hateful things (in my opinion), and I'm told that they are really nice people and it's just them being jokey/provocative/misunderstood. I choose to ignore most of those too.
Even knowing someone for years, IRL, you may not get to understand their deep motivations and what makes them tick. You just think you do. We are all flawed. |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"I prefer socials, clubs and long conversations on here. You can hide all sorts of nefarious angles in a profile "
I try and hide the nefarious angles by directing the gaze elsewhere (here and in the flesh). |
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"I prefer socials, clubs and long conversations on here. You can hide all sorts of nefarious angles in a profile
I try and hide the nefarious angles by directing the gaze elsewhere (here and in the flesh). "
Hang on, there's something in your new photo that's averting my gaze x |
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