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Useful or a PITA ?
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By *bi Haive OP Man
over a year ago
Forum Mod Cheeseville, Somerset |
The 'reply privately' button on forum posts?
Does anyone actually think it's a good idea for it to be there? Does anyone use it regularly with a positive outcome?
There are almost daily threads bemoaning people not replying to messages so why would someone choose to use an option least likely to be noticed and responded to, rather than just reply in the thread where it's more likely to be seen and not only replied to by the person who initially commented, but potentially other forum users too - resulting in a greater level of interaction for someone than a private message that may get lost amongst many others.
Or am I overthinking it?
I've seen plenty of 'keep it to the forum please' comments over the years (we even have this advice in our profile text) and I've always thought that a private reply to a public comment is a tad creepy, potentially encouraging behind the scenes gossip about other forum users and that it discourages people from sharing their opinions and views, instead sending the message that maybe some things should be kept and only said behind closed doors out of public view.
I didn't put this in the site feedback section of the forums because let's face it - few people ever venture there, and this isn't really feedback anyway, more a general enquiry as to what other forum users think?
I just think of all the sites many features this is possibly one that could be sent to room 101.
Thoughts folks? 
A |
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"Never used it & never been used to me. If I'm honest I've never really noticed it until you mentioned it
Seems a bit pointless..."
Had a couple of messages sent to me using it, used it to send a couple of messages. I think it has a place but not the most key tool in the forums.
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By *izzy.Woman
over a year ago
Stoke area |
I've used it and had people message me using it.
An example when I use it might be someone asking about a club or an event and I'll contact them to discuss it, but I don't necessarily want everyone knowing where I'm going.
When people have contacted me to agree with a comment I've made or thank me for raising an issue, it means I realise why they are messaging me and it doesn't get lost in with all the other messages i receive and gives it some context.
Where people ask for it to remain within the forums, it's usually some random person arguing about something, rather than it being a helpful or confidential matter. |
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I'm more likely to respond to a message sent from a thread I'm engaged in than I am to just a random 'hey, wuu2' message.
I've had a lot of supportive and appreciative messages from fellow forumites over the years. I've also had some not so nice ones 
I think it's a site tool that should stay. As with all site tools, you use it when you want to. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Never used it & never been used to me. If I'm honest I've never really noticed it until you mentioned it
Seems a bit pointless..."
I was exactly this day old when I found out it was there.
Could explain why I get message's now and again with topic of forum chat as header.
Can someone please clarify if this is what happens if that button is used please? |
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Some of the more skilful among us have found a way of replying in private at exactly the same time they reply in the forum.
Unfortunately they haven't mastered the art of getting both comments to correspond.
The lovely complimentary public comment often generates a whatacunt private message for some reason.  |
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"In complete contrast, I have used it and had it used on me.
Always respectful and pleasant, never assumptive, and has often started engaging conversations from a common theme shared on a thread. "
This  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think I’ve only used it to reply to someone after it’s hit 175.
Other than that I always reply in the forums and prefer if others do the same when replying to me. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Behind the scenes gossip doesn't happen. Swinging is inclusive and friendly. 
It can be odd when I post on a thread and 8 months later some stranger replies privately "ugg ugg do that to me mmmmm!"
What??? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think the word ‘tad creepy’ is odd on a social forum when people just want to talk 
I’ve used it and I will probably use it again. And I’m fairness, 99.9 peer cent of the time I get a reply. It’s convenient to talk direct instead of taking over a thread. It’s more relevant to them than everyone else. I wanted to say something personal. I wanted to avoid being judged by all. I already talk to them. There’s many reasons why I would use that button, and like it being there. |
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The only time I've ever used it is on an ask in private thread or to message someone I already know in relation to a particular thread.
It's not a creepy option in itself but it can be misused.
For it to be classed as creepy would require a creep to be at one end of the message.
It doesn't bypass filters so the recipient is free to deal with it in exactly the same way as any other message. |
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"Never used it & never been used to me. If I'm honest I've never really noticed it until you mentioned it
Seems a bit pointless...
I was exactly this day old when I found out it was there.
Could explain why I get message's now and again with topic of forum chat as header.
Can someone please clarify if this is what happens if that button is used please?"
Yes it does
I’ve used it, usually if I’ve wanted to send a supportive message to somebody who sounds like they’re struggling, sometimes in addition to a public reply |
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By *bi Haive OP Man
over a year ago
Forum Mod Cheeseville, Somerset |
"I think the word ‘tad creepy’ is odd on a social forum when people just want to talk
"
I see what you're saying here. I guess I was speaking from personal experience.
Most of the time someone's used it to message us (despite our profile wording) it's along the lines of 'mmmmm yeah I'd love you to do that to me' or 'I've never tried that, fancy it?' in response to something I've commented on in a thread about some kind of kink, sex act or experience I've had.
Which is often both entertaining and cringeworthy, given it usually means some straight guy is asking me to do something thinking I'm Fox.............
A |
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By *bi Haive OP Man
over a year ago
Forum Mod Cheeseville, Somerset |
"Never used it & never been used to me. If I'm honest I've never really noticed it until you mentioned it
Seems a bit pointless...
I was exactly this day old when I found out it was there.
Could explain why I get message's now and again with topic of forum chat as header.
Can someone please clarify if this is what happens if that button is used please?
Yes it does
I’ve used it, usually if I’ve wanted to send a supportive message to somebody who sounds like they’re struggling, sometimes in addition to a public reply "
See this is where I guess it can be useful.
I do worry sometimes though how often someone will use it to message something negative to someone because they know they wouldn't get away with it if posted in public, or how frequently it's used by 'friends' or 'admirers' to bemoan or slag off someone else how may have been involved in a heated thread discussion.
I suppose my main bugbear of it is that although filters still affect the ability to message someone using the 'reply privately' button, it completely circumnavigates their profile and therefore you may not know who you're addressing if you're replying to a comment from a couple and you could potentially piss someone off instead of come across to them in a good light simply by missing details about them that are obvious should you check them out before replying.
A |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I’ve used it before, sometimes on a thread when someone isn’t doing well/feeling good to send a private message of support.
I’ve used it if I want to have a private conversation with someone about a thread.
What really pisses me off though, is when someone will be all over someone else in a thread and then private message me a similar thing.
If you want to flirt with me, do it in public. |
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By *bi Haive OP Man
over a year ago
Forum Mod Cheeseville, Somerset |
"I use it instead of turning a thread into a personal conversation which you see happen frequently on the forum x"
Good point.
But is that just with friends or also with strangers in relation to comments made?
Curious, as I mentioned earlier the risk of it being used for behind the scenes gossip about posters. But then that could happen via PM anyway. Or apparently offline according to some rumours.......
A |
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"I use it instead of turning a thread into a personal conversation which you see happen frequently on the forum x
Good point.
But is that just with friends or also with strangers in relation to comments made?
Curious, as I mentioned earlier the risk of it being used for behind the scenes gossip about posters. But then that could happen via PM anyway. Or apparently offline according to some rumours.......
A"
It's with anyone. I will reply maybe 2 or 3 times in a thread but then go private as its easier to carry on whatever the topic was.
Sadly the playground mentality is rife on here with backstabbing and bitching behind the scenes which is why I don't get involved. |
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I've used it to reach out to offer words of kindness and support; to share empathetic experiences that are not for public display; or to check in with someone that they're OK, if they've posted something out of character, or clearly struggling.
I've had others use it in the same respectful, friendly way. It's also a way to share resource links, that aren't allowed in the public forum.
There are plenty of people on here that can show friendship and respect.
C |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I've used it and had positive responses. It's usually to ask about something in greater depth without derailing a thread, or to tell someone I like their take on something. I'm not keen on it being used as a way to ask for a meet. |
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"Never used it & never been used to me. If I'm honest I've never really noticed it until you mentioned it
Seems a bit pointless...
I was exactly this day old when I found out it was there.
Could explain why I get message's now and again with topic of forum chat as header.
Can someone please clarify if this is what happens if that button is used please?"
Yep that's the one
Interesting - and funny! - thread. Felt tempted to reply privately to a few  |
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"I've used it and had positive responses. It's usually to ask about something in greater depth without derailing a thread, or to tell someone I like their take on something. I'm not keen on it being used as a way to ask for a meet."
Whoa Nelly! (What a great album) and what a great profile! 
Notice I’ve stayed away from a private message direct from the forum!? Will power at its finest! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think the word ‘tad creepy’ is odd on a social forum when people just want to talk
I see what you're saying here. I guess I was speaking from personal experience.
Most of the time someone's used it to message us (despite our profile wording) it's along the lines of 'mmmmm yeah I'd love you to do that to me' or 'I've never tried that, fancy it?' in response to something I've commented on in a thread about some kind of kink, sex act or experience I've had.
Which is often both entertaining and cringeworthy, given it usually means some straight guy is asking me to do something thinking I'm Fox.............
A"
. it’s all personal. I try my best to remember there’s real people reading my dm’s.
Fab is full of funny things that make us cringe.  |
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
"Never used it & never been used to me. If I'm honest I've never really noticed it until you mentioned it
Seems a bit pointless..."
Exactly, what is this ? I wouldn’t bother it might brake the site |
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"I've used it and had positive responses. It's usually to ask about something in greater depth without derailing a thread, or to tell someone I like their take on something. I'm not keen on it being used as a way to ask for a meet."
this is how I use it  |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
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I don't mind it Obi - I've made some brilliant friendships as a result of people reaching out to me after I've posted.
I can sometimes predict I'll get more sexually charged messages if I post something a bit raunchier but bar a mild eye roll, I don't mind it too much.
Sometimes it's better to take things to pm - it might be support for a friend, saving people from reading my unique take on flirting. It's not always an easy way into a dtf conversation. |
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I have used it to respond to a query that required a more detailed response than I was prepared to give in the open forum.
Also to expand a question that the poster may not have wished to answer in the forum.
If it’s all done with politeness and no expectation I don’t see a problem. |
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By *bi Haive OP Man
over a year ago
Forum Mod Cheeseville, Somerset |
"I think you're overthinking it"
More than likely.
Was one of those late night thoughts that started doing laps of my brain and wouldn't disappear, whilst trying to juggle several things at once.
It's now out of my system and online so all is well in the world.
Thanks all.
A |
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