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Best friends
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Do you have them? I'm coming to the haunting realisation that I don't, anymore.
I fell out with my BFF last year because I chose not to compromise my integrity and lie to cover up his infidelities. This led to him saying some unforgivable things to me, and now that friendship is sadly irreparable. With each passing day I start to regret my decision more and more, and think how much easier and better my life would have been if I'd have just stayed loyal to my ride or die. Partly because he would have done it for me, and partly because the person I did it for turned out to really not be worth it.
The only other person that I would have considered a super close friend is also starting to exhibit some toxic traits and honestly I can see us being on the outs within the next few months because it's getting to be too much.
I've been trying to, somewhat successfully, reach out to old friends and strengthen my bonds with existing ones but I can't help feeling lonely all the time, and like I'm at an age now where I'm never going to have true friends that I shared those formative experiences with, and who know me inside and out. I get so jealous when I hear other people mentioning their best friends, or friendship circles that they've had since school. Meanwhile I'm out here booking long weekends away by myself because I don't have anyone to go with.
Anyway I'm on a tangent now. Once again, I can't afford the therapy, folks  |
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"Do you have them? I'm coming to the haunting realisation that I don't, anymore.
I fell out with my BFF last year because I chose not to compromise my integrity and lie to cover up his infidelities. This led to him saying some unforgivable things to me, and now that friendship is sadly irreparable. With each passing day I start to regret my decision more and more, and think how much easier and better my life would have been if I'd have just stayed loyal to my ride or die. Partly because he would have done it for me, and partly because the person I did it for turned out to really not be worth it.
The only other person that I would have considered a super close friend is also starting to exhibit some toxic traits and honestly I can see us being on the outs within the next few months because it's getting to be too much.
I've been trying to, somewhat successfully, reach out to old friends and strengthen my bonds with existing ones but I can't help feeling lonely all the time, and like I'm at an age now where I'm never going to have true friends that I shared those formative experiences with, and who know me inside and out. I get so jealous when I hear other people mentioning their best friends, or friendship circles that they've had since school. Meanwhile I'm out here booking long weekends away by myself because I don't have anyone to go with.
Anyway I'm on a tangent now. Once again, I can't afford the therapy, folks "
I'm with you on that it gets so lonely I don't think I can name one best friend nor any close friends I moved away from where I grew up, with a girl had kids which we have now separated which has now kinda rooted me where I am for the time being without it disrupting my young kids, I have a what I call associates that a may see going back to where I live to see family put wouldn't class them as mate mates as none have bothered to come see me where I am. I found as I got older you realise what people are out for and majority are out for themselves only |
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I do and they are all amazing people. What I would say though there was a period in time around the age you are now. Where everyone's priorities changed, got married had kids etc etc. And some I didn't fall out but we didn't have the same amount of time to commit to each other as we did when we were younger. But we've picked it up all again since. Think best friend relationships go through peaks and troughs same as any relationship.
Plus I've made some amazing best mates in recent years, never too old to make new friends and find your tribe |
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I do. There are 5 of us (since school) and I honestly don’t know where I’d be without those girls.
Having said that I have made lots of friends all through my life and it’s definitely not too late! Especially for you at your age. I’ve even made a couple of life long friends from fab which I never ever expected to do. Those people are way way beyond anything fab now. Have you been to any of the organised social events? It really would be worth trying x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I have a group of friends who are my besties and always have been but like it's been said already our relationships have changed over the years as we all grew up and our lives took different directions.
I'm actually just back from having dinner with them but it's rare we get the chance to hang out these days. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I had a best friend that abused me for 6 years. Made me question everything. I finally had enough and blocked her this year. She still has my name in her mouth. Lucky that the other members of our friend group believed me.
I now have some wonderful friends. My life has been so much better since my abuser has been out of it. I hope she rots. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I don't have a best friend. I have friends who I see every few weeks and who I love spendjnb time with, but nobody who I see weekly or more frequently. About 10 years ago I was really lonely and felt so sad about not having a bff, but I'm fine with it now. I need a lot of alone time and don't have the energy to nurture very close friendships, so it's on me I guess. Fortunately I like my own company a lot more than I did 10 years ago. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I have a few less than I did but I have a group of girlfriends that's I've known for 14years ish. We have been through everything together including kids, marriage, divorce, loss, gigantic moves and everything in-between. Somehow despite the miles, out friendship has remained solid. My very best friend, isn't even classed as a friend she's family. I'm closer to her than my own sister and we speak every day. We live opposite ends of the country and see eachother a couple of times a year (kids,work,life etc stops it being much more) I couldn't imagine life without her.
Pxx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Yes, I have a best friend .
Shes my soul mate and I'm blessed to have her in my life. I've been there for her through some really terrible times, she is always there for me through the car crash that is my life, and I'll always, always be grateful we met.
Its very simple. I love her |
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My best friend died of cancer a couple of years back. No one has come close to replacing him. I still miss him most days. He was the only one outside my family I could be open and honest with and tell anything without judgment.
I feel a hole there, but survive without it. So, I think you can survive without one, but it’s better with one. The trickiest bit is finding the right one to be that and they become it without noticing. Only when they are fully embedded did I realise what I had. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Nope, I wish I had a best friend that I kept in touch with but I pretty much cut off everyone I went to school with and other than work, it's tough making friends as an adult |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm a crap friend, I never get in touch, I always turn down going out. Just do not have the attention span or energy to maintain anything of substance.
I prefer acquaintances and work colleagues, we can go out, have fun without the effort of maintaining friendships lol
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Yes, I have a best friend .
Shes my soul mate and I'm blessed to have her in my life. I've been there for her through some really terrible times, she is always there for me through the car crash that is my life, and I'll always, always be grateful we met.
Its very simple. I love her"
I believe in soul mates in a non-romantic way too. I have two friends that I had an instant connection with as soon as meet and I consider them to be my soul mates. |
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Friendships and friendship stages wax and wane but generally speaking I’ve found it gets harder to make new friends as you get older.
My best friend now lives overseas and I miss her loads even though we still chat regularly it’s not the same as being around the corner for a cuppa.
My lovely friends since school are hundreds of miles away due to my moving away and I miss them tons too. We stay in touch on sm.
They all regularly invite me to visit with open invitations to stay with certain people. Best mate I wouldn’t even need to tell her I could show up on her doorstep and she’d greet me with a hug and a cuppa and I her anytime. We’re more like sisters than friends. Our kids are close too more like cousins.
But I’ve just moved to a new area and I am finding it hard to meet and make new friends for a number of reasons. It’s only been a couple months though.
Don’t despair I met my best mate in my 30’s! |
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I have 4 friends, I can call these people in an emergency and I’ve no doubt they would be there as soon as possible but I don’t have a best friend anymore, no one I could call if I was feeling lonely or wanted to do something with |
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I have a lot of aquaintances but only a few friends and probably only two best friends, the sort that I know will be there for me and I for them.
My best friends and I often go for a month or more at a time without being in touch but we always know that one phone call and we are there for each other. |
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By *adyBugsWoman
over a year ago
cognito |
I do. Some for many many years and I see/speak to them once a decade but it’s like we see each other every day.
Easy to say and hard to master but try not to dwell on those that leave your circle. People come and go as you exchange whatever lessons you need to learn from one another. Some stay for ever, some never come back but you shared intimate life moments with each other that no one can take away.
Hope you will be ok x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Yes, I have a best friend .
Shes my soul mate and I'm blessed to have her in my life. I've been there for her through some really terrible times, she is always there for me through the car crash that is my life, and I'll always, always be grateful we met.
Its very simple. I love her
I believe in soul mates in a non-romantic way too. I have two friends that I had an instant connection with as soon as meet and I consider them to be my soul mates. "
 |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Do you have them? I'm coming to the haunting realisation that I don't, anymore.
I fell out with my BFF last year because I chose not to compromise my integrity and lie to cover up his infidelities. This led to him saying some unforgivable things to me, and now that friendship is sadly irreparable. With each passing day I start to regret my decision more and more, and think how much easier and better my life would have been if I'd have just stayed loyal to my ride or die. Partly because he would have done it for me, and partly because the person I did it for turned out to really not be worth it.
The only other person that I would have considered a super close friend is also starting to exhibit some toxic traits and honestly I can see us being on the outs within the next few months because it's getting to be too much.
I've been trying to, somewhat successfully, reach out to old friends and strengthen my bonds with existing ones but I can't help feeling lonely all the time, and like I'm at an age now where I'm never going to have true friends that I shared those formative experiences with, and who know me inside and out. I get so jealous when I hear other people mentioning their best friends, or friendship circles that they've had since school. Meanwhile I'm out here booking long weekends away by myself because I don't have anyone to go with.
Anyway I'm on a tangent now. Once again, I can't afford the therapy, folks "
Might sound antiquated but take up a new healthy hobby. I met my bad bitch on a paddle board from a Facebook group meet |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My two best friends were dead by the time I was 23. I stopped making close friends after that. If I'm honest I have kept people who might have been close friends at a distance. Losing close friends sucks. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I never really had friends through school (joys of religious parents, not being allowed to mix with other kids etc) took me until I was 32 before I meant the guy who I would say is my best mate. We can go days without talking but I literally (and regularly) trust him with my life.
Mr |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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No, I think friendship is over rated. I have people I’m friendly with, and people I’m more friendly with than others, but a BFF, someone I know would drop everything if I needed help? No. Experience has thought me that, for me, they don’t exist. |
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I have a handful of what I consider best friends. We have never fallen out because we all have respect for one another
* there is no jealousy amongst or between us
* we don’t talk about each behind anyones back
* we dont beef about it if we are not all included in each other’s plans.
True friends know where friendship boundaries are and don’t cross them |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I dont anymore my oldest friend died of covid altho we werent as close the last few years he was the first friend i ever made in nursery
The other makes me both happy and sad at the same time but we no longer speak as i pushed her away with my greif pain insecurity and uncontrollable worry |
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
Not really but I have some very good friends, maybe 6.
I agree you made a mistake , loyalty is more important to judging. You didn't have to compromise your own integrity but make it clear you think they are making a mistake and you won’t be compromised I.e don’t ever ask me to lie for you. Then focus back on the friendship
You should fix it
And well done reaching out and strengthening bonds. Good Friendships take hard work and effort but are well worth it |
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By *ttmcdguyTV/TS
over a year ago
Milton Keynes |
In this life you can have lots of friends mates pals acquaintances etc but your best friends are few and far between
My best mate tragically died 24 years ago
There is still not a day goes by where I don’t think about him and still miss him
But I inherited his younger brother
So for last 24 years he has become my best mate
As the op said my ride and die !!
No matter what happens between you and your bff it should never stop the bond between you
That’s the deal!!!
We have no secrets and all our skeletons are known to each other
If you and your best mate can’t have each other’s back no matter what ! Then they are not your best mate !! |
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As humans we all develop and change in different ways, we’re always changing. Look back 10 years and you were a completely different person, arguably why all types of relationships break up.
Some people have friends from when they were kids but it’s pretty rare.
I say I have a best mate from school and he is but I see him once a year and we go on the piss md we just set off from the last time we saw each other as if nothing has changed. Catch up on what’s happened in the time we haven’t seen each other and then leave it for another year. Talk briefly in the margins but nothing crazy.
He’s not my best mate because we talk every day, we’re best mates because we can rely on each other if we need each other and there’s no dramas despite not talking for months at a time. It’s a relationship without expectations, except going for a durrrrtyyy night out once a year |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think forces people generate a larger friend group that heavily identify with each other than most do. I have mates (one of whom I'm dropping everything for this weekend to go to his 50th 3 hours away despite not seeing him for years) that I'd do nearly anything for.
I also find myself seeing forces people when I'm out and striking up conversation like I've known them for years despite otherwise being strangers.
Maybe it gives you a common family feel but it seems so far it lasts a lifetime.
I've had ups and downs with my mutually adopted brother and have spent a couple of years not talking - mainly because he disapproved of me swinging the first time I did it. Couldn't be closer now despite living 150 miles apart at times. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Thanks for all the responses - been an interesting read so far!
I do have 3 close friends that I would drop everything for, and they for me, but they are all married/engaged and we live quite far from each other now so I hardly ever see them. Although when I do the love between us feels so strong and it's like no time has passed!
I think my definition of a best friend might have differed to some of yours... I meant like a person who not only knows you inside and out but when you text them saying you're bored you suddenly find yourself round theirs like an hour later watching Netflix and eating junk. Or if you ask them to do something on the weekend they're always down, or if they're already doing something they invite you along.
That's what I'm coming to terms with losing and probably never having again. |
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I have several people who are very very dear to me, but a different sort of relationship than a BFF. Other than that I think just acquaintances. I've never had the sort of person where I could just drop by anytime and always be welcome, and vice versa. Possibly when you have problems understanding your own identity it makes it difficult to forge those types of deep friendship with others. |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
. |
Hey Amber.
I can't remember your username even as I'm typing this, apologies!
I think that you can foster and nurture relationships at any age, for them to know you, really know you you have to be authentically you. Warts and all. That's what's makes a friendship a real one.
But, that feeling of loneliness doesn't necessarily disappear even with having close friends.
I don't have a best friend. I have several close friends who mean a lot to me and I'd happily help/listen/be there for them whenever, the good and the bad. I love one of them who pops up on here now and again - he's seen the dark side of me and vice versa and even if we don't talk daily, he means a lot to me. Always will. That's friendship in my mind.
Sometimes people come in to your life and it works. Clicks. You might have to nurture and foster it but you'll know when you've found your group of weirdos, even if you don't have years and years behind you.
Anyway, this has made me feel a bit sentimental so I'll probably message one of them now.
Amber, you'll find friends. It's tough realising and ending things when it's toxic and not serving you but it's worth it when you have the happiness you do when you connect with another.
x |
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Grew up thinking I had best friends, but then seeing how real best friends acted I realised they were simply people I hung out with.
Through college, uni and work I'd have friends, but non that were interested in staying in touch if we moved apart or life got difficult.
Essentially iv never had a best friend, just a series of acquaintances. |
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"Thanks for all the responses - been an interesting read so far!
I do have 3 close friends that I would drop everything for, and they for me, but they are all married/engaged and we live quite far from each other now so I hardly ever see them. Although when I do the love between us feels so strong and it's like no time has passed!
I think my definition of a best friend might have differed to some of yours... I meant like a person who not only knows you inside and out but when you text them saying you're bored you suddenly find yourself round theirs like an hour later watching Netflix and eating junk. Or if you ask them to do something on the weekend they're always down, or if they're already doing something they invite you along.
That's what I'm coming to terms with losing and probably never having again. "
My most recent friend who is likes this, is moving back home, I'm going to be devastated. But we've only known each other a couple of years... Friends come and go, I had a very close friend for over 7 years, but her life went in a different direction and when I didn't go to her wedding, we never spoke again.
I never thought I'd find anyone else I could be like that with, but the latest one proved be wrong! So now I don't worry so much, I know people can come into your life when you're least expecting it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Like you OP, I no longer have any BFF's. They were mainly from school/college days and just drifted away as life tends to do.
My best friend died several years ago, and I've not found anyone to replace him |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Hey Amber.
I can't remember your username even as I'm typing this, apologies!
I think that you can foster and nurture relationships at any age, for them to know you, really know you you have to be authentically you. Warts and all. That's what's makes a friendship a real one.
But, that feeling of loneliness doesn't necessarily disappear even with having close friends.
I don't have a best friend. I have several close friends who mean a lot to me and I'd happily help/listen/be there for them whenever, the good and the bad. I love one of them who pops up on here now and again - he's seen the dark side of me and vice versa and even if we don't talk daily, he means a lot to me. Always will. That's friendship in my mind.
Sometimes people come in to your life and it works. Clicks. You might have to nurture and foster it but you'll know when you've found your group of weirdos, even if you don't have years and years behind you.
Anyway, this has made me feel a bit sentimental so I'll probably message one of them now.
Amber, you'll find friends. It's tough realising and ending things when it's toxic and not serving you but it's worth it when you have the happiness you do when you connect with another.
x"
As always, your words are beautiful and comforting
I am glad I reminded you to show your friend some love.
I've tried so hard lately to take the bad with the good and stop ending things just because there are times when it's toxic. After all, if you can't handle someone at their worst you don't deserve them at their best either. Eventually it's time to stop forcing it though  |
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"I have 3 that I honestly don’t know what I’d do without. We’ve been through so much together & I trust them with my life.
T’s all disappeared when he got ill
J x"
I experienced something similar to T. Only one of my oldest friends actually seems to care or want to interact with me nowadays. I stick with Mr KC, he's my very best friend and the only person who unfailingly is there for me (as I am for him) |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Yes, my bff from when I was 4 and best man at my wedding.
When my ex wife and I were discussing separation and I used him as a confidant, as I had done for him when his wife found out he was cheating, he then used our conversations to worm his way in with my ex.
I was less bothered about our relationship and more concerned for my ex being at a vulnerable point and knowing his entire history and playbook.
Fortunately, he stayed to type, lied to her, she found out and dumped him.
He still sniffs around though but my kids don't want anything to do with him. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'm a crap friend, I never get in touch, I always turn down going out. Just do not have the attention span or energy to maintain anything of substance.
I prefer acquaintances and work colleagues, we can go out, have fun without the effort of maintaining friendships lol
"
I'm exactly the same. I love meeting new people.
Bff is over rated, drama, issues etc. Just cant be arsed. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I have a friend that knows me more than anyone. Someone I can probably trust more than anyone and who if they askes for help, I would do anything for. So yes, they’re probably who I would say is my best friend.
I also have a couple of really close friends, but not as tight as the one I would turn to first for anything.  |
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1 and we have been 27 years in each others lives
My inner circle have been 8 years so far and we trust our and kids lives with each other 
Social friends come and go all the time, but occasionally one drops into your life and they change your life forever |
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I think I would have more friends if I stayed back home but since I moved to the UK over 6 years ago I have lost even the very few friends I had. As I wasn't able to see them for a few years due to Covid we all just moved on with our lives. My former best friend turned out to be very manipulative so even though we are still on speaking terms, I am keeping my distance.
It gets very lonely at times. Especially when I want to do fun stuff and I have nobody to hang out with 
K |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I cant say i have a best friend, i have lots of friends, but they are scattered around the country, people i have met in my travels through, work etc.
I moved away from home when i was younger so lost all those close ties you make with your friends from school and college.
Shame really, i regret not keeping in contact more, but life, work and family take over. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Had a best friend who was more like a brother he betrayed my trust a few years ago hurt me very badly after a massive argument never spoke to him again and never will.
My best friend now is my wife and that’s enough for me. Got people I like but don’t want another so called best friend |
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My life has been full of betrayal by people I've considered to be best friends.
So now I have plenty of acquaintances and a couple of good friends who I bring a little closer into my confidence, but I tend to rely on just me myself and I now. I'm the only one who will ever be constant in my life. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I have just the one true friend that I met on, of all places, Badoo. Started off a little naughty, but that faded out and a close friendship developed. We don't need to talk all the time, but still to this day 5 years later, we message each other to say good morning and good night at the bare minimum
I came here to make friends as much as I have to have some fun. Would love to get to know you OP and hopefully develop a friendship. Feel free too message me if you would like xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I have no best friends, Never had one.
I had a few friends growing up, few and far between though they were, and I've sadly lost contact due to moving away and life in general.
I'm always friendly, even if I look scary, but since I'm terrible at small talk making friends is nigh on impossible without the other person putting in more effort. It would be nice to have someone as a best friend. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I have a few friends who I can count on, my absolute bff, we went through thick and thin together. Literally my twin flame!!
She’s like my piece of the puzzle that fits, none can get me (and vice versa) like she does!!
Then I have other couple friends who I love to bits and are just as important. And we can really support each other . I love that
I’ve recently decided to tell my friends that I love them. Or miss them Or that I’m thinking of them if I am. Because we are here once and I think it’s nice to let someone know these things (I didn’t use to and im glad I let myself go a bit)
The rest I consider acquaintances  |
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