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Not your usual dilemma
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Can't ask on Facebook so thought I'd ask here. About 4 months we got my 13 Yr old a puppy. She has been amazing with the pup and does everything for it. I do mean everything. Wherever you find her, you'd find the pup. So 3 months into having the pup it manages to escape my car as we were getting ready for a walk. We have spent a little over a month searching for the pup but not had so much as a sighting of it.
Now my husband has managed to track down a 5 month old dog with looks very much like ours. He wants to buy it and pass it off as our missing dog. He wants to do this so that our daughter doesn't have to deal with heartbreak of losing the other dog.
I think this is wrong on so many levels. One I think dealing with loss is a part of life and its best she copes with it now. Secondly if the dog is eventually found it is registered to our name and address and how would we explain that to our daughter?
My husband is adamant we replace the pup and say nothing but it's not really something I'm prepared to do.
Am I being unreasonable?
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Don't lie to her, she's 13 she'll know and if she doesn't the dog will. When she finds out she will hold it against you. 13 year olds don't need genuine reasons to resent you they'll find enough trumped up ones.
I'm with you on this. |
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"Don't lie to her, she's 13 she'll know and if she doesn't the dog will. When she finds out she will hold it against you. 13 year olds don't need genuine reasons to resent you they'll find enough trumped up ones.
I'm with you on this."
I agree don't lie. But she may be fine taking this new dog on. |
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By *aliceWoman
over a year ago
Birmingham |
No, you're not. She's old enough not to be emotionally infantilised. If you want to give a home to a puppy and as a gift to your daughter to help her with mourning the loss of the other one, do it but be honest about it.
Plus if your daughter doted on the old dog I'd bet she would notice the diferrence and then you're potentially going to have to deal with the fallout of deception. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Can't ask on Facebook so thought I'd ask here. About 4 months we got my 13 Yr old a puppy. She has been amazing with the pup and does everything for it. I do mean everything. Wherever you find her, you'd find the pup. So 3 months into having the pup it manages to escape my car as we were getting ready for a walk. We have spent a little over a month searching for the pup but not had so much as a sighting of it.
Now my husband has managed to track down a 5 month old dog with looks very much like ours. He wants to buy it and pass it off as our missing dog. He wants to do this so that our daughter doesn't have to deal with heartbreak of losing the other dog.
I think this is wrong on so many levels. One I think dealing with loss is a part of life and its best she copes with it now. Secondly if the dog is eventually found it is registered to our name and address and how would we explain that to our daughter?
My husband is adamant we replace the pup and say nothing but it's not really something I'm prepared to do.
Am I being unreasonable?
"
No you aren't being unreasonable. I agree with you and as horrible as this is it is a lesson on emotions/grief, dealing with a loss, and emotion regulation but teach and support her in dealing with the feelings and processing those feelings because life is hard and it's one of many knockbacks and you can't protect her from them all |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Sorry that happened btw, must be horrible enough as it is and you need to be able to talk about it too in order to process it, you can't do that when you are keeping up a pretence  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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One of the reasons pets are good for kids is because it teaches them about loss and grief.
She's 13, more than old enough to understand that life isn't all good things. Be honest with her, she'll appreciate it. She also won't have that "why are my parents lying to me" feeling when she realises it isn't the same dog because it's highly likely she'll know. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Don't lie to her, she's 13 she'll know and if she doesn't the dog will. When she finds out she will hold it against you. 13 year olds don't need genuine reasons to resent you they'll find enough trumped up ones.
I'm with you on this."
Thanks |
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"Can't ask on Facebook so thought I'd ask here. About 4 months we got my 13 Yr old a puppy. She has been amazing with the pup and does everything for it. I do mean everything. Wherever you find her, you'd find the pup. So 3 months into having the pup it manages to escape my car as we were getting ready for a walk. We have spent a little over a month searching for the pup but not had so much as a sighting of it.
Now my husband has managed to track down a 5 month old dog with looks very much like ours. He wants to buy it and pass it off as our missing dog. He wants to do this so that our daughter doesn't have to deal with heartbreak of losing the other dog.
I think this is wrong on so many levels. One I think dealing with loss is a part of life and its best she copes with it now. Secondly if the dog is eventually found it is registered to our name and address and how would we explain that to our daughter?
My husband is adamant we replace the pup and say nothing but it's not really something I'm prepared to do.
Am I being unreasonable?
"
You can’t kid kids! She’ll sus you out. And as others have touched on in this thread in a round about way, you’re reinforcing lying as a good thing which is generally not what teenagers need from their parents. They need to learn how to handle difficult conversations and emotions with support - Not hide from them.
You’re completely right. Stick to your guns and good luck |
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Personally I think you can find a middle ground here. I agree with you about not telling lies. I can also see where your hubby is coming from with a new dog, and his heart is definitely in the right place…. So……
Tell your daughter the truth about the puppy, and then explain that her dad has spent a lot of time finding her another special puppy for her to love. Then you have a daughter who’s happy that mum n dad aren’t treating her like a kid, and who’s over the moon to have a new best friend to love |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Anyone who has loved a pet dog will know that this simply won't work, to even consider it suggests he doesn't understand the bond your daughter had/has.
On top of that, I totally agree with you, teaching your daughter how to cope with adversity is far far better parenting than lying about stuff to make the world seem a better place. Will he pay an old lady to act as her nan if/when she loses her? Kids need to learn how to deal with life being shit coz if they don't they haven't a clue how to cope as adults.
Mr |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Personally I think you can find a middle ground here. I agree with you about not telling lies. I can also see where your hubby is coming from with a new dog, and his heart is definitely in the right place…. So……
Tell your daughter the truth about the puppy, and then explain that her dad has spent a lot of time finding her another special puppy for her to love. Then you have a daughter who’s happy that mum n dad aren’t treating her like a kid, and who’s over the moon to have a new best friend to love "
I thought about this but if the other dog turns up then I'd be stuck with 2 dogs. |
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"Can't ask on Facebook so thought I'd ask here. About 4 months we got my 13 Yr old a puppy. She has been amazing with the pup and does everything for it. I do mean everything. Wherever you find her, you'd find the pup. So 3 months into having the pup it manages to escape my car as we were getting ready for a walk. We have spent a little over a month searching for the pup but not had so much as a sighting of it.
Now my husband has managed to track down a 5 month old dog with looks very much like ours. He wants to buy it and pass it off as our missing dog. He wants to do this so that our daughter doesn't have to deal with heartbreak of losing the other dog.
I think this is wrong on so many levels. One I think dealing with loss is a part of life and its best she copes with it now. Secondly if the dog is eventually found it is registered to our name and address and how would we explain that to our daughter?
My husband is adamant we replace the pup and say nothing but it's not really something I'm prepared to do.
Am I being unreasonable?
"
I'm with you.i think it's a really bad idea.
She'll get over it. |
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"Can't ask on Facebook so thought I'd ask here. About 4 months we got my 13 Yr old a puppy. She has been amazing with the pup and does everything for it. I do mean everything. Wherever you find her, you'd find the pup. So 3 months into having the pup it manages to escape my car as we were getting ready for a walk. We have spent a little over a month searching for the pup but not had so much as a sighting of it.
Now my husband has managed to track down a 5 month old dog with looks very much like ours. He wants to buy it and pass it off as our missing dog. He wants to do this so that our daughter doesn't have to deal with heartbreak of losing the other dog.
I think this is wrong on so many levels. One I think dealing with loss is a part of life and its best she copes with it now. Secondly if the dog is eventually found it is registered to our name and address and how would we explain that to our daughter?
My husband is adamant we replace the pup and say nothing but it's not really something I'm prepared to do.
Am I being unreasonable?
"
You are not being unreasonable at all.
To be blunt your husband sounds like a plank. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You cant just replace like that. Life doesn't work like that. Its teaching your child all the wrong things.
The dog has gone, let her learn from that and maybe think about getting another at a much later time. |
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By *andonmessMan
over a year ago
A world all of his own |
"Don’t lie.
Never lie.
It never works, please don’t lie. "
Completely agree. If she finds out, she's going to learn that her parents lied to her, and I'm not sure that'd a good life lesson for her. |
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Be honest, empathise with her that you are just as devastated about the loss as she is. Share your sorrows together. Work through the grief and sadness together.
Then work together on a new beginning, with a new dog.
No lies, no deception, and a shared life-experience that she and you will both learn from and grow in to, and then eventually overcome.
This is the way.
I wish you all the best. |
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