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Loneliness in middle age
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As a singleton whose friends are either married, partnered, parents etc.. and generally (rightfully) getting on with the pleasures of life, I find I spend a lot of time alone. I’m happy with me and my own company but like most humans I often feel lonely and lack the magic that comes from meaningful companionship.
Anyone else around my age feel like this and if so how (if at all) do you approach it?
M |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"As a singleton whose friends are either married, partnered, parents etc.. and generally (rightfully) getting on with the pleasures of life, I find I spend a lot of time alone. I’m happy with me and my own company but like most humans I often feel lonely and lack the magic that comes from meaningful companionship.
Anyone else around my age feel like this and if so how (if at all) do you approach it?
M"
Every time I feel like I’m missing out is balanced by times I appreciate the freedom I have. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What was middle aged in the middle ages has middle age changed now we arnt in the middle ages also were the middle ages the middle ages during the middle ages??? Hmmm |
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I got off my arse, picked myself up, dusted off and made the effort to join in.
Now I'm part of lots of social groups across a variety of interests and have hundreds of Social Friends that I happily spend most weekends with socialising  |
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"I joined a vanilla social club and meet for regular drinks, walks and meals.
Made some good friends and takes the edge of the boredom
Sounds good - where did you find the info on that? "
A local facebook group |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Thank you for sharing OP.
I too am alone as my friends have moved abroad. The only interactions I have are female fuck buddies. They are great fun dates and meets but I miss the male bonding.
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"As a singleton whose friends are either married, partnered, parents etc.. and generally (rightfully) getting on with the pleasures of life, I find I spend a lot of time alone. I’m happy with me and my own company but like most humans I often feel lonely and lack the magic that comes from meaningful companionship.
Anyone else around my age feel like this and if so how (if at all) do you approach it?
M
Every time I feel like I’m missing out is balanced by times I appreciate the freedom I have. "
Ha can relate to that 100% |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Similar feelings OP, although I’m much older than you, I’m beginning to wonder if my time has passed and I’m destined to be single now. Balance that with Glowupdoll post, I do what I want when I want, although the fact I enjoy that is also a little worrying.
At a crossroads I guess. |
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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
There have been studies regarding this phenomenon, I believe it’s called ‘men of a certain age’. Basically guys that are single, want to be sociable but are excluded because others distrust them, whether it’s single women who think that they’ll try to hit on them, other guys that think they’ll make a move on their wives or dislike the competitive aspect of single guys company.
It’s a whole thing.
It’s much, much harder for men in middle age to make friends.
Try to join groups, activities aimed at inclusion and social events, that’s the best way to find others |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I get you on this…
I am single with kids so I’m very rarely on my own, plenty of friends and a fairly active social life.
But I do miss having that one person who is a constant in my life and by god I miss cuddles and hugs.
As for coping I go to the gym a lot, listen to music, hang out with my kids & friends etc and I stay positive that one day my ‘person’ will appear! |
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"There have been studies regarding this phenomenon, I believe it’s called ‘men of a certain age’. Basically guys that are single, want to be sociable but are excluded because others distrust them, whether it’s single women who think that they’ll try to hit on them, other guys that think they’ll make a move on their wives or dislike the competitive aspect of single guys company.
It’s a whole thing.
It’s much, much harder for men in middle age to make friends.
Try to join groups, activities aimed at inclusion and social events, that’s the best way to find others"
Yes this is interesting- I wondered about this sort of thing but couldn’t put it into the words you have.
Thanks - I agree re joining groups. I’ll have a look around and so what is available.
Cheers |
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"I get you on this…
I am single with kids so I’m very rarely on my own, plenty of friends and a fairly active social life.
But I do miss having that one person who is a constant in my life and by god I miss cuddles and hugs.
As for coping I go to the gym a lot, listen to music, hang out with my kids & friends etc and I stay positive that one day my ‘person’ will appear!"
Yes this is it.
I feel very positive about my life and it’s trajectory - I think the loneliness stems from a desire to share that with somebody. It’s the little things you mention…
M |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I get you on this…
I am single with kids so I’m very rarely on my own, plenty of friends and a fairly active social life.
But I do miss having that one person who is a constant in my life and by god I miss cuddles and hugs.
As for coping I go to the gym a lot, listen to music, hang out with my kids & friends etc and I stay positive that one day my ‘person’ will appear!
Yes this is it.
I feel very positive about my life and it’s trajectory - I think the loneliness stems from a desire to share that with somebody. It’s the little things you mention…
M"
Absolutely, you can have friends & family around you but still feel lonely! There is something unique about being part of a partnership that can’t be replicated with friends etc… it’s the snuggles on the sofa, sitting with someone in comfortable silence, tactile touches etc..
I live in hope! |
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I'm older than you op but I absolutely understand what you're saying. With me giving up work and moving to another area meant that lot of my friends were difficult to keep in touch with physically. It is very hard to make friends once you're older. I can only suggest that you look into as many ways of meeting people as possible. Clubs are often suggested but humans as a species are generally quite cliquey and it's very difficult to approach a group or even couple as a single person. There are groups specifically aimed at meeting people, I think they're called something like 'meet up' and often Facebook has groups for social events with making new friends in mind. Have you got a specific interest? I made a couple of friends through evening classes and I've met people through a nearby social group.
Good luck  |
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OP, number one, you are not middle aged! At least I hope 38 isn't middle age 
Anyway, if you enjoy things like board games, gaming of any kind, there are sometimes games cafés where you might meet new people? Book clubs in book shops? Locally to me, there are luncheon groups, walking groups, cycling groups, 5-a-side football for men only groups, LOADS of different opportunities for socialising. You just have to find them.
Your GP surgery might have a social prescriber within and they may well have a list of various local social groups. Otherwise, social media pages for your town/city/locality are your best bet. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I joined a vanilla social club and meet for regular drinks, walks and meals.
Made some good friends and takes the edge of the boredom "
"I joined a vanilla social club and meet for regular drinks, walks and meals.
Made some good friends and takes the edge of the boredom "
Firstly, thanks for starting this thread op, a bit like you the rest of my life is good, the exception is my down time. My friends all live miles away so my free time is just me, I mean I'm pretty bloody marvellous really, but even I get bored of me 
Second, thank you Vanilla for pointing this out, I never knew these groups even existed. I've just found one near me and booked myself on to a coffee afternoon next month. Who knows what will happen, but it's nice to be able to put something in the diary to look forward to
Thank you both  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I found myself feeling lonely of a nigh time. Some friends get the blunt end of that with odd random texts 
There’s only so much of me I can take before I get bored of talking to myself. Daytimes are easy, I can occupy myself but when the sun goes down, I’d like someone I can share some deeper conversations with than just ‘just milk in my coffee please Michelle! ‘
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By *JB1954Man
over a year ago
Reading |
I am retired and a widower . So well beyond middle age. No near family . Friends live miles away. I belong to groups on FB. The groups and I do see people from them . Chat if online. They are sea fishing groups. So about 120 miles round trip. Plus weather and tides have be considered to go. Now fuel also. I miss the most having someone in house , as others have said cuddles. Plus of course sex.  |
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By *lexV16Man
over a year ago
Welling |
Not feeling lonely at all. Probably because I have hobbies, work I like and kids 50% of the time. It’s vice versa sometimes I struggle to find free slot to meet new people (including from this site)
So my suggestion to OP, get hobby and join social events related to it. You’ll find a company in no time. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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In the same boat amigo , most friends have settled down . I started Munro bagging which helped me meet a lot of new people , joined a gym and swimming club which also helped getting me out and about instead of sitting around in house bored |
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"Not feeling lonely at all. Probably because I have hobbies, work I like and kids 50% of the time. It’s vice versa sometimes I struggle to find free slot to meet new people (including from this site)
So my suggestion to OP, get hobby and join social events related to it. You’ll find a company in no time."
Cheers.
Yes I have hobbies (golf, the gym, walking etc..) - but don't do much social around any of them. Perhaps that could/should change. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Not feeling lonely at all. Probably because I have hobbies, work I like and kids 50% of the time. It’s vice versa sometimes I struggle to find free slot to meet new people (including from this site)
So my suggestion to OP, get hobby and join social events related to it. You’ll find a company in no time.
Cheers.
Yes I have hobbies (golf, the gym, walking etc..) - but don't do much social around any of them. Perhaps that could/should change. "
Are you a member of a Golf Club OP? If not you should think of finding one to join. Despite my post earlier, my Club is the one place that I’m never lonely, always someone to play with snd the 19th after a round at the weekend is always entertaining! |
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"There have been studies regarding this phenomenon, I believe it’s called ‘men of a certain age’. Basically guys that are single, want to be sociable but are excluded because others distrust them, whether it’s single women who think that they’ll try to hit on them, other guys that think they’ll make a move on their wives or dislike the competitive aspect of single guys company.
It’s a whole thing.
It’s much, much harder for men in middle age to make friends.
Try to join groups, activities aimed at inclusion and social events, that’s the best way to find others"
That's the same for single women too, obviously in reverse.  |
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"I get you on this…
I am single with kids so I’m very rarely on my own, plenty of friends and a fairly active social life.
But I do miss having that one person who is a constant in my life and by god I miss cuddles and hugs.
As for coping I go to the gym a lot, listen to music, hang out with my kids & friends etc and I stay positive that one day my ‘person’ will appear!
Yes this is it.
I feel very positive about my life and it’s trajectory - I think the loneliness stems from a desire to share that with somebody. It’s the little things you mention…
M
Absolutely, you can have friends & family around you but still feel lonely! There is something unique about being part of a partnership that can’t be replicated with friends etc… it’s the snuggles on the sofa, sitting with someone in comfortable silence, tactile touches etc..
I live in hope! "
I can relate to this. |
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"As a singleton whose friends are either married, partnered, parents etc.. and generally (rightfully) getting on with the pleasures of life, I find I spend a lot of time alone. I’m happy with me and my own company but like most humans I often feel lonely and lack the magic that comes from meaningful companionship.
Anyone else around my age feel like this and if so how (if at all) do you approach it?
M"
I have a dog. Best companion ever. |
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"Esther Rantzen says she defines loneliness as, despite having people to do things with, it is having nobody to do nothing with, that is lonely. "
As the parent of a child with special needs, with a husband who completely ignores us and lives the life of a house mate, no close friends nearby, hardly any free time and no social life… yes, I feel lonely and have for over 10 years. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"There have been studies regarding this phenomenon, I believe it’s called ‘men of a certain age’. Basically guys that are single, want to be sociable but are excluded because others distrust them, whether it’s single women who think that they’ll try to hit on them, other guys that think they’ll make a move on their wives or dislike the competitive aspect of single guys company.
It’s a whole thing.
It’s much, much harder for men in middle age to make friends.
Try to join groups, activities aimed at inclusion and social events, that’s the best way to find others"
Is there a difference between the sexes in this? I get the impression that men seem to suffer with this particular type of loneliness more. Women generally seem to have more friends than men and make friends more easily, social groups seem to cater more for women; are these fair observations? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Yup, I feel this. I love my own company but I would love to have someone who gave a shit an asked me how my day was etc.
Really like what someone said above about loneliness was having no one to do nothing with - great description.
And I miss meaningful sex, I can find sex a bit empty sometimes. I miss the connection. |
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By *lynJMan
over a year ago
Morden |
"I miss having someone who is interested in my day, not just the big events but the mundane everyday things. Sounds silly but even just someone to say "good morning" or goodnight" too x"
What she said ^^^ |
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I went to a festival all by myself this weekend, was super apprehensive. But I did it
Made friends with a few people,
Was so liberating, I just wish when you go to say the local pub coffee shop everyone was as friendly and strikes up conversations with strangers
It is hard as one gets older to make new friends |
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By *arkus1812Man
over a year ago
Lifes departure lounge NN9 Northamptonshire East not West MidlandsMidlands |
Having been a singleton for over 40 years I have been fortunate in going through my middle age years with many friends and not suffering loneliness.
However since I reached old age 65+ the tide has turned, most of those friends have either moved away or in too many cases passed away and I am left with a very small circle of loyal friends.
We mingle, we mix, we laugh and we cry but we do try to ensure that loneliness is not an issue. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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This is a tough one, I’m the same OP, single life does get lonely. I suffer from depression as well so makes it 10x worse. But I think back to the times my ex made my life miserable, always checking up on me, tracking me with her phone, stopping me from seeing my friends or spending my own money, controlling every aspect of my life, stopping me from seeing my Dad before he passed away and making me feel guilty for wanting to spend more time with him, and then I think of me having the freedoms I have now and loneliness and a bit of depression is so worth it. Like others have said you will join groups and make friends and you’ll forge that one special connection and this time alone will be well worth it. |
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"Since moving in with my elderly father as full time carer I am very rarely alone but nearly always lonely. Its shite really but hey ho"
Sorry to hear that. Are there any carers support groups in your area? |
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By *iking67Man
over a year ago
BP Auckland |
"Since moving in with my elderly father as full time carer I am very rarely alone but nearly always lonely. Its shite really but hey ho
Sorry to hear that. Are there any carers support groups in your area?"
I'm getting to the stage were it would be helpful not sure what help it would be though but will start to look into it thanks for the advice |
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"Since moving in with my elderly father as full time carer I am very rarely alone but nearly always lonely. Its shite really but hey ho
Sorry to hear that. Are there any carers support groups in your area?
I'm getting to the stage were it would be helpful not sure what help it would be though but will start to look into it thanks for the advice "
It genuinely helps just to talk to someone or get out for a cup of coffee.
I helped my dad care for my mum, I was lucky I could go home to my husband but he was on duty 24/7. I used to sit with my mum while he went out and he always came back refreshed. If you have the resources you might consider respite care too. |
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I can totally relate to this, separated 5 years ago and divorced. Kids at uni and don't see them that often, moved into London with an old mate who's am alcoholic. He's only here 2-3 days a week, so can get bored. Dated a bit and joined a cycling club which is great, but still do get down a bit.
London can be a very lonely place and seems difficult to meet people on here. Seems to be more action elsewhere in the country. |
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By *iking67Man
over a year ago
BP Auckland |
"Since moving in with my elderly father as full time carer I am very rarely alone but nearly always lonely. Its shite really but hey ho
Sorry to hear that. Are there any carers support groups in your area?
I'm getting to the stage were it would be helpful not sure what help it would be though but will start to look into it thanks for the advice
It genuinely helps just to talk to someone or get out for a cup of coffee.
I helped my dad care for my mum, I was lucky I could go home to my husband but he was on duty 24/7. I used to sit with my mum while he went out and he always came back refreshed. If you have the resources you might consider respite care too. "
Thing is I'm not really providing physical care its more about just being there if you get my drift. He is not that bad physically for his age apart from balance issues but after my mam passed a few years ago he just feels like he needs me here all the time and I feel guilty when I can't ie shopping. I feel a good conversation between us would help but we are both emotional blokes and would be an argument followed by more understanding. On the whole its not that bad just me really feeling it at the moment.
Being selfish it makes the chance of meetings almost impossible |
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"I joined a vanilla social club and meet for regular drinks, walks and meals.
Made some good friends and takes the edge of the boredom
I joined a vanilla social club and meet for regular drinks, walks and meals.
Made some good friends and takes the edge of the boredom
Firstly, thanks for starting this thread op, a bit like you the rest of my life is good, the exception is my down time. My friends all live miles away so my free time is just me, I mean I'm pretty bloody marvellous really, but even I get bored of me
Second, thank you Vanilla for pointing this out, I never knew these groups even existed. I've just found one near me and booked myself on to a coffee afternoon next month. Who knows what will happen, but it's nice to be able to put something in the diary to look forward to
Thank you both "
Pleasure treasure x |
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"Since moving in with my elderly father as full time carer I am very rarely alone but nearly always lonely. Its shite really but hey ho
Sorry to hear that. Are there any carers support groups in your area?
I'm getting to the stage were it would be helpful not sure what help it would be though but will start to look into it thanks for the advice
It genuinely helps just to talk to someone or get out for a cup of coffee.
I helped my dad care for my mum, I was lucky I could go home to my husband but he was on duty 24/7. I used to sit with my mum while he went out and he always came back refreshed. If you have the resources you might consider respite care too.
Thing is I'm not really providing physical care its more about just being there if you get my drift. He is not that bad physically for his age apart from balance issues but after my mam passed a few years ago he just feels like he needs me here all the time and I feel guilty when I can't ie shopping. I feel a good conversation between us would help but we are both emotional blokes and would be an argument followed by more understanding. On the whole its not that bad just me really feeling it at the moment.
Being selfish it makes the chance of meetings almost impossible "
I don't think you're being selfish |
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I was worrying about this as I have recently separated and am currently living with extended family.
I realised that I will be ok and even happy on my own as all I will be doing is killing time with self improvement whilst waiting for the kids to come and stay a few days a week. I'm fine with that. |
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