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The pressure to perform
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
Following on from the ‘Orgasm’ thread, I’ve started thinking about the expectations that we place upon ourselves and others to perform sexually. Where that comes from and just how healthy that is for ourselves.
Speaking personally I take great pains to try to remove expectations from meets, I don’t talk about ‘what I’m going to do’ and avoid meeting people who seem to anticipate that a guy must perform in order for the sex to be good.
I’m interested in your thoughts though folks.
Please do discuss |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think there’s lots of expectations that I worry about when having sex for the first time. But equally I also feel pretty confident in myself these days in terms of sexual performance so I when we’re together I feel a lot better usually.
I mentioned on the other thread but the only thing I struggle with is women that, when I tell them I don’t often cum, are determined to make it happen or see it as a mission. I admit it’s bad but a part of me gets more upset because generally women say that it’s their experience and I’m like, so why do that too? But I communicate well with partners and if it’s too much I do tell them. It’s better if we communicate well, take our time and just focus on enjoying it rather than seeing it as a race to the finish. |
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"The pressure is all around us. Just read the forums.
I'm a rubbish swinger, I don't, can't or won't do loads of the things that are routinely claimed to be part of most meets. I'm ok with that  "
I've found sometimes though that what some profess too on the forums is not what they say privately. This is why I believe absolutely nothing on the forum  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I wouldn't call it a performance necessarily, but for sex to be good all parties have to be enthusiastic and get involved...
My view is, if the sex is crap, there are two (or more) people involved in it...so maybe its just lack of chemistry than someone being 'bad at sex' |
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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago
Gapping Fanny |
I don’t big up sexual activity. I make it clear sex may happen, it may not (if its even agreed to in the first place).
I will talk about what other things I am likely to do, but also try and manage expectations. |
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Lots of scripted fantasies are just that though, yes I love sex with my friends. But sometimes I want to do a scene and that involves pressure to perform, but we are very clear about that
with each other upfront so valid choices can be made about transforming fantasy into reality |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The pressure is all around us. Just read the forums.
I'm a rubbish swinger, I don't, can't or won't do loads of the things that are routinely claimed to be part of most meets. I'm ok with that "
Same, I’m the worst! A lot of my messages are “why are you even on here?”.
I’m past caring  |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"I think there’s lots of expectations that I worry about when having sex for the first time. But equally I also feel pretty confident in myself these days in terms of sexual performance so I when we’re together I feel a lot better usually.
I mentioned on the other thread but the only thing I struggle with is women that, when I tell them I don’t often cum, are determined to make it happen or see it as a mission. I admit it’s bad but a part of me gets more upset because generally women say that it’s their experience and I’m like, so why do that too? But I communicate well with partners and if it’s too much I do tell them. It’s better if we communicate well, take our time and just focus on enjoying it rather than seeing it as a race to the finish. "
I do agree with you about communicating. It seems a strange thing to have to point out but shouldn’t we be communicating effectively with those that we’re meeting and if we feel unable to, is that a mistake in who we’re meeting? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
I mentioned on the other thread but the only thing I struggle with is women that, when I tell them I don’t often cum, are determined to make it happen or see it as a mission. I admit it’s bad but a part of me gets more upset because generally women say that it’s their experience and I’m like, so why do that too? "
Which neatly illustrates my point, we should stop believing that people act the way they do because of their gender. Some people behave like this, some people don't, some people complain about this behaviour and some of them are men.
Just because some women complain about a certain behaviour it in no way means other women don't do it, or that some men also don't like that behaviour. You're a feminist Steve, a really great friendly, open, guy, someone who tirelessly promotes inclusivity and fights against stereotyping and yet even you fall prey to to the idea that women "generally" behave in certain ways
Mr |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Yeah, I think there's definitely pressure to perform. You've spent the time and effort to get to know them, chat, click reall well on a social level that you don't want the sexual experience to be a damp squib.
As it's been a while too, then it's additional pressure of trying to remember how to get into the rhythm of it so it goes smoothly. |
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"The pressure is all around us. Just read the forums.
I'm a rubbish swinger, I don't, can't or won't do loads of the things that are routinely claimed to be part of most meets. I'm ok with that "
You still do "that thing" though, right....... 
Winston |
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I hate the “I’m going to do xxx and xyz” it adds pressure to do things, like if that doesn’t happen does that make it a bad meet?
I’ve just had this conversation with someone actually. Pulled them up on all the ‘plans’ they had in their head and told them to stop. It adds pressure and takes away any excitement for me. I much prefer living in the moment, what happens, happens and it’s much more natural, raw, passionate and fun that way. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I am sure we are all out own worst critics, and without a questionnaire afterwards we are left to self-curate whether we thought we 'performed' or not, and (critically) whether anyone else would agree.
Without saying 'look after yourself first', you can't always affect what the other person/people are feeling, and what worked not time may not on a repeat meet.
The key is enjoy yourself, but don't be selfish, and try to read the room to meet in the middle with regards to what feels good for everyone.
Don't overthink it, you're just smushing your bits together at the end of the day. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
I mentioned on the other thread but the only thing I struggle with is women that, when I tell them I don’t often cum, are determined to make it happen or see it as a mission. I admit it’s bad but a part of me gets more upset because generally women say that it’s their experience and I’m like, so why do that too?
Which neatly illustrates my point, we should stop believing that people act the way they do because of their gender. Some people behave like this, some people don't, some people complain about this behaviour and some of them are men.
Just because some women complain about a certain behaviour it in no way means other women don't do it, or that some men also don't like that behaviour. You're a feminist Steve, a really great friendly, open, guy, someone who tirelessly promotes inclusivity and fights against stereotyping and yet even you fall prey to to the idea that women "generally" behave in certain ways
Mr"
I know I know. I hate that I do as well. I try and challenge myself when it comes out as much as possible though  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I think there’s lots of expectations that I worry about when having sex for the first time. But equally I also feel pretty confident in myself these days in terms of sexual performance so I when we’re together I feel a lot better usually.
I mentioned on the other thread but the only thing I struggle with is women that, when I tell them I don’t often cum, are determined to make it happen or see it as a mission. I admit it’s bad but a part of me gets more upset because generally women say that it’s their experience and I’m like, so why do that too? But I communicate well with partners and if it’s too much I do tell them. It’s better if we communicate well, take our time and just focus on enjoying it rather than seeing it as a race to the finish.
I do agree with you about communicating. It seems a strange thing to have to point out but shouldn’t we be communicating effectively with those that we’re meeting and if we feel unable to, is that a mistake in who we’re meeting? "
Absolutely. If you can’t communicate with someone you’re about to have sex with about sex, maybe you’re not ready to have sex with that person? That’s my take anyway |
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For various reasons explained in previous threads I can't fantasise or get excited in anticipation of anything including sexual encounters.
I can only live in the moment.
It's not in my nature to discuss what will or won't happen.
For those reasons I've never felt pressure to perform and if someone is disappointed with how I perform they have never said.
I have no expectations beyond getting naked and letting instinct take over. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I was asked the other day,how was my libido. I told him it was kick started by the right situation. I haven't heard from him since. Men don't seem to think that sensual's good sex. I don't cum,so you can imagine the question if I tell them this. My positions are limited due to arthritis. So it seems that because I'm not a horny,up for everything woman,I'm not worth bothering with. But I'm not going to change who I am. |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"I hate the “I’m going to do xxx and xyz” it adds pressure to do things, like if that doesn’t happen does that make it a bad meet?
I’ve just had this conversation with someone actually. Pulled them up on all the ‘plans’ they had in their head and told them to stop. It adds pressure and takes away any excitement for me. I much prefer living in the moment, what happens, happens and it’s much more natural, raw, passionate and fun that way. "
I’m of a similar mindset to you and find that it just kills the moment |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"I think there’s lots of expectations that I worry about when having sex for the first time. But equally I also feel pretty confident in myself these days in terms of sexual performance so I when we’re together I feel a lot better usually.
I mentioned on the other thread but the only thing I struggle with is women that, when I tell them I don’t often cum, are determined to make it happen or see it as a mission. I admit it’s bad but a part of me gets more upset because generally women say that it’s their experience and I’m like, so why do that too? But I communicate well with partners and if it’s too much I do tell them. It’s better if we communicate well, take our time and just focus on enjoying it rather than seeing it as a race to the finish.
I do agree with you about communicating. It seems a strange thing to have to point out but shouldn’t we be communicating effectively with those that we’re meeting and if we feel unable to, is that a mistake in who we’re meeting?
Absolutely. If you can’t communicate with someone you’re about to have sex with about sex, maybe you’re not ready to have sex with that person? That’s my take anyway "
100% |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I've had a couple of women put out by the fact I didn't orgasm.
They thought it was them and weren't interested in my point of view and reasons.
I am not a performing monkey and if may inability to orgasm regularly is a problem then better you just pass me by. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
I mentioned on the other thread but the only thing I struggle with is women that, when I tell them I don’t often cum, are determined to make it happen or see it as a mission. I admit it’s bad but a part of me gets more upset because generally women say that it’s their experience and I’m like, so why do that too?
Which neatly illustrates my point, we should stop believing that people act the way they do because of their gender. Some people behave like this, some people don't, some people complain about this behaviour and some of them are men.
Just because some women complain about a certain behaviour it in no way means other women don't do it, or that some men also don't like that behaviour. You're a feminist Steve, a really great friendly, open, guy, someone who tirelessly promotes inclusivity and fights against stereotyping and yet even you fall prey to to the idea that women "generally" behave in certain ways
Mr
I know I know. I hate that I do as well. I try and challenge myself when it comes out as much as possible though "
I do it too. So I second guess myself and third guess and ...
Mr |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
To answer the OP, I'm now relaxed now. Years ago I had an ex who after we had broken up mad a number of comments about my sexual performance and I was very insecure afterwards for a long time. Now I'm more of the attitude that I'll be myself and if that isn't good enough they'll soon tell me
There is a lot more of my ego than I would like tied up in my sexual performance though still so compliments are always welcome an criticism particularly painful.
Mr |
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"The pressure is all around us. Just read the forums.
I'm a rubbish swinger, I don't, can't or won't do loads of the things that are routinely claimed to be part of most meets. I'm ok with that
I've found sometimes though that what some profess too on the forums is not what they say privately. This is why I believe absolutely nothing on the forum "
I sometimes read and think to myself "ooooook, if you say so" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I was asked the other day,how was my libido. I told him it was kick started by the right situation. I haven't heard from him since. Men don't seem to think that sensual's good sex. I don't cum,so you can imagine the question if I tell them this. My positions are limited due to arthritis. So it seems that because I'm not a horny,up for everything woman,I'm not worth bothering with. But I'm not going to change who I am."
Good for you - you don’t have to fit with anyone’s expectations.
Men like that just want a fantasy, porn type meeting without stopping to think about your needs and desires as a woman. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It's just sex so relax and enjoy it.
.
.
What happens happens just go with the flow. If you go into a meeting thinking you are not going to enjoy it then you are not likely to enjoy it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I have got very wound up about this stuff before. Convinced myself I was crap in bed. Compared myself to other women. Focussed on all the things I didn't have experience with. Fuck that for a game of soldiers. It just made me feel worse about sex. Pointless.
What I've realised from discussion and chats here and elsewhere is that it's so obvious others feel much the same. So I spend my energy on the person I'm with, telling them what I enjoy, what they did that did it for me, complimenting their body. Giving. I don't think I did that much with my LTR because he was a narcissistic wanker. So now I do and it feels great and I have no negative thoughts about "performing" anymore.  |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"I have got very wound up about this stuff before. Convinced myself I was crap in bed. Compared myself to other women. Focussed on all the things I didn't have experience with. Fuck that for a game of soldiers. It just made me feel worse about sex. Pointless.
What I've realised from discussion and chats here and elsewhere is that it's so obvious others feel much the same. So I spend my energy on the person I'm with, telling them what I enjoy, what they did that did it for me, complimenting their body. Giving. I don't think I did that much with my LTR because he was a narcissistic wanker. So now I do and it feels great and I have no negative thoughts about "performing" anymore. "
This is great!
I love the ‘debrief’ after great sex, what was good and what sticks in the mind. Although my OP was more about prior to the first meet |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I have got very wound up about this stuff before. Convinced myself I was crap in bed. Compared myself to other women. Focussed on all the things I didn't have experience with. Fuck that for a game of soldiers. It just made me feel worse about sex. Pointless.
What I've realised from discussion and chats here and elsewhere is that it's so obvious others feel much the same. So I spend my energy on the person I'm with, telling them what I enjoy, what they did that did it for me, complimenting their body. Giving. I don't think I did that much with my LTR because he was a narcissistic wanker. So now I do and it feels great and I have no negative thoughts about "performing" anymore.
This is great!
I love the ‘debrief’ after great sex, what was good and what sticks in the mind. Although my OP was more about prior to the first meet"
I wasn't talking about a debrief - i was talking about focusing on the other person before and during the meet. |
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By *EAT..85Woman
over a year ago
Nottingham |
I'm as blunt as a sledge hammer. I don't make promises and will often play down my skill set. Anything after that is a bonus innit! I'm happy to give guidance and will actively ask questions for improvement. If you can't speak that openly, should you even be smushing rude bits together? |
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"The older I get, the more my blood pressure challenges require meds, the more my own personal performance anxiety kicks in, the more opportunity there is for failure.
Thats life.
Winston "
I hear you brother. |
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It seems today that in order to generate interest some sort of expectation is bound to be involved.
However, reality strikes eventually and the old war adage comes true. "No plan survives first contact with the enemy"
Obviously the other person in sex is not an enemy but frequently what we wind up doing does not match what we planned in our heads and in our chat. |
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"The older I get, the more my blood pressure challenges require meds, the more my own personal performance anxiety kicks in, the more opportunity there is for failure.
Thats life.
Winston "
Yes, age wearies and the years condem. Age does take the virility but we just have to compensate for it in other ways using experience.
Thankfully not every woman wants 45 minutes of being screwed by a Duracell bunny. |
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By *ustBoWoman
over a year ago
Somewhere in Co. Down |
"I try to just go with the flow & let things progress naturally, no pressure  "
Yep this is how I do it as well.And it has worked out pretty well also .
I don't mind a bit of flirting and discussion about boundaries before I meet someone but I don't do sex talk before a meet as I find it's usually just that a load of talk and it bores me when someone keeps going on about what they want to do to me or what they want me to do with them .I prefer to meet and just go with the flow. |
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"I think there’s lots of expectations that I worry about when having sex for the first time. But equally I also feel pretty confident in myself these days in terms of sexual performance so I when we’re together I feel a lot better usually.
I mentioned on the other thread but the only thing I struggle with is women that, when I tell them I don’t often cum, are determined to make it happen or see it as a mission. I admit it’s bad but a part of me gets more upset because generally women say that it’s their experience and I’m like, so why do that too? But I communicate well with partners and if it’s too much I do tell them. It’s better if we communicate well, take our time and just focus on enjoying it rather than seeing it as a race to the finish.
I do agree with you about communicating. It seems a strange thing to have to point out but shouldn’t we be communicating effectively with those that we’re meeting and if we feel unable to, is that a mistake in who we’re meeting?
Absolutely. If you can’t communicate with someone you’re about to have sex with about sex, maybe you’re not ready to have sex with that person? That’s my take anyway "
I’m rubbish at communication due to lack of self-esteem and not wanting to upset people (I posted a thread about it fairly recently). This even extends to my husband who I’ve been with 25yrs. Please don’t condemn me to a sexless life because of my issues! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I go the opposite and play it right down.
Don't over think it, don't go into detail, I pretty much tell them sex is off the table.
So then, just getting naked is like fucking Xmas. Not actually fucking Xmas, that's just weird.
Anyway, then it just comes naturally. If you already have a connection, then the pure passion takes over and .... boom  |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"I go the opposite and play it right down.
Don't over think it, don't go into detail, I pretty much tell them sex is off the table.
So then, just getting naked is like fucking Xmas. Not actually fucking Xmas, that's just weird.
Anyway, then it just comes naturally. If you already have a connection, then the pure passion takes over and .... boom "
I do the same. I’m an average, bumpy short lay and proud to tell people that |
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I think there is always a fair amount of pressure anyway because both want to please the other. It brings out a whole load of insecurities so we look for proof that we are desired. So even if you downplay things I think the same expectations would exist because they come from ourselves rather than the other person. |
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In truth the only pressure is the one we might place on ourselves.
Stop doing that and life is better. Not just about sex.
If someone else is putting pressure on you get away from them as they are toxic. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think it pretty much depends on individuals how they react to pressure. Some people are born to handle pressure and some deliver their best when stakes are low. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I think there’s lots of expectations that I worry about when having sex for the first time. But equally I also feel pretty confident in myself these days in terms of sexual performance so I when we’re together I feel a lot better usually.
I mentioned on the other thread but the only thing I struggle with is women that, when I tell them I don’t often cum, are determined to make it happen or see it as a mission. I admit it’s bad but a part of me gets more upset because generally women say that it’s their experience and I’m like, so why do that too? But I communicate well with partners and if it’s too much I do tell them. It’s better if we communicate well, take our time and just focus on enjoying it rather than seeing it as a race to the finish.
I do agree with you about communicating. It seems a strange thing to have to point out but shouldn’t we be communicating effectively with those that we’re meeting and if we feel unable to, is that a mistake in who we’re meeting?
Absolutely. If you can’t communicate with someone you’re about to have sex with about sex, maybe you’re not ready to have sex with that person? That’s my take anyway
I’m rubbish at communication due to lack of self-esteem and not wanting to upset people (I posted a thread about it fairly recently). This even extends to my husband who I’ve been with 25yrs. Please don’t condemn me to a sexless life because of my issues! "
Ok Lou but only because I like you a lot  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I tend not to worry about it i see my cock as only a tool in a vast armory of things i enjoy using during sex id say its my 4th most important sexual organ |
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