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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I got into something with a very close friend of mine a few weeks ago where they did something pretty shitty that hurt my feelings, then gave me kind of non-excuses for it that made sense at the time but now I think about it they didn't really justify the action.
At the time I really didn't want to argue, as I already lost a super close friend last year and really don't want to lose another, but I'm finding myself thinking more and more that I should have stood my ground and made my feelings known instead of being so quick to try and resolve things with the least amount of fallout possible.
At the time this person also brought up something I'd said that they didn't like which I also felt I had to apologise for, even though it had been said with no mal-intention and had been a result of me opening up about something that had been bothering me. And it made me realise that this person always pulls me up on the most minor things that I might do to annoy them to where I always feel like I need to apologise for it to try and save the friendship. Whereas when they've done things to annoy me I tend to just be annoyed for a bit and then let it go, never to bring it up again.
I'm now in the position where if I go back to rehash this argument I'll be no better than them, but I also want to get closure from this and don't want to grow bitter towards them. Cutting them out of my life is not an option as I love them dearly, and I am able to accept that no personal relationship will ever be flawless and everyone has their faults - it doesn't make them toxic. It just sucks, you know? |
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As I see it you have four options.
1. Do nothing and continue the friendship on the same terms.
2. Speak to your friend about what's bothering you.
3. Let this particular incident go but resolve to speak up at the time in future.
4. Let the friendship fade.
I would choose option 3 myself. It brings it's own problems because you're changing the dynamic of the relationship
Good luck  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"As I see it you have four options.
1. Do nothing and continue the friendship on the same terms.
2. Speak to your friend about what's bothering you.
3. Let this particular incident go but resolve to speak up at the time in future.
4. Let the friendship fade.
I would choose option 3 myself. It brings it's own problems because you're changing the dynamic of the relationship
Good luck "
I'll probably naturally go with 3 but this is starting to feel like the beginning of the end  |
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By *stellaWoman
over a year ago
London |
I’d want to be told if I was the other friend. It may be difficult to hear, I may be defensive initially but I’d reflect and actively be mindful of the other person’s asks of me into the future, so I’d expect their experience of me would improve whether I’m thinking about it consciously or not. I think it’s actually doing the other person a disservice not to say. It doesn’t allow them to know there’s an ask or expectation of change there and sets them up to fail from the outset. If you feel it’s the beginning of the end of the relationship and you choose not to be transparent with them about the dynamics of the relationship, what’s not working etc then it *is* inevitable that it will fizzle and that’s a choice on your part I feel. Relationships take active work, if you bring your effort then you give space for the other person to choose if they want to bring theirs.
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Sounds like a mate I used to have, you’re actually better off without then as they will never change. Don’t see / talk to the for a few days or even a couple of weeks and see how that makes you feel. Life’s too short for ‘friends’ like that. |
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By *ack688Man
over a year ago
abruzzo Italy (and UK) |
If you want to continue this friendship as you say even though it does sound damaged then you either need to accept the way they are, which I think is a bad idea, or rectify the relationship, which may not be possible as they may only want to be friends as long as you stay in this role that they have defined for you. I think you need to talk to them about the issues but accept that that conversation may end the friendship from their side, but they are likely to say you are exaggerating, or making stuff up, or gaslight you in other ways, so make sure you have numerous examples of their behaviour both as someone who won’t see their mistakes and as one who expects you to constantly apologise for yours. Personally I would see these as huge red flags and would struggle to maintain a friendship on these terms but you do you. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I would have a chat about it and vent what you need to but also be there for the reaction but im not built like most people i dont have the ability to abandon close friends to fate my loyalty code and my guilt wouldn't allow it once your in my 6 foot world you would have to do something so bad and diabolical that i couldn't look at you but nobody has ever hit that limit so my arms remain open but thats just me id never give others advise i couldn't take myself |
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By *hoirCouple
over a year ago
Clacton/Bury St. Edmunds |
"Maybe write them a letter offloading everything off your chest.
And then burn it, in a ceremonial style. So it gives it a bit more oomph.
"
What do you do with the letter after burning them? 
C |
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"As I see it you have four options.
1. Do nothing and continue the friendship on the same terms.
2. Speak to your friend about what's bothering you.
3. Let this particular incident go but resolve to speak up at the time in future.
4. Let the friendship fade.
I would choose option 3 myself. It brings it's own problems because you're changing the dynamic of the relationship
Good luck
I'll probably naturally go with 3 but this is starting to feel like the beginning of the end "
I hope not but it might be, people generally don't like being treated how they treat others if some of their behaviours are poor. |
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By *hoirCouple
over a year ago
Clacton/Bury St. Edmunds |
"If they did something bad then they are not a friend. Forget about them and move on. A friend does not bring negativity you are better off without that. "
This is terrible advice. Never do this.
C |
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By *hoirCouple
over a year ago
Clacton/Bury St. Edmunds |
I am also a serial people pleaser OP and it doesn't set a good precedent for any kind of relationship (friend, familial, work etc)
If you really value this person then it's worth making an effort on your behalf for your own sake. It may be a case of pulling on the big girl pants and being honest, because if you can't be honest about how you feel due to their negative reaction then can you really see this going anywhere?
We can't predict other people's reactions, much as we'd love to, but most people will hopefully react with decency, especially if they care about you.
P |
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I'd not try to repeat an argument, I'd let it go. But I would discuss things generally, when you're both in a positive space. I'd aim to set some ground rules, for the future, how you'll both handle any discomfort. After agreeing, I'd then move on, to monitor future behaviour. And potentially to discuss any issues with how it's going, alongside reminding of the agreements now. I'd invest in the relationship, as it clearly gives more than occasional problems. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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We judge people on our own expectations and boundaries. Just because we find something unacceptable, doesn't mean the other person will. Something that's minor in our head, might be huge in theirs.
All the relationships I have in life, open communication is key. I want to be able to call people out on something that's bothered me and vice versa, I want to be told if I've upset someone. If I didn't have this, to me that's not real friendship as you should be able to hash it out and move on.
Only you can decide if they add enough to your life to try and move on. But it's not about letting it go, it's about listening, understanding and acknowledging when we hurt each other. |
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Not all friendships last forever, it's like any relationship.
I've had friends that I've adored, but if they've taken the piss, or we've had opposing views about something that's made me think differently about them, then they will just get cut out. Others will come along to fill that space x |
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"I got into something with a very close friend of mine a few weeks ago where they did something pretty shitty that hurt my feelings, then gave me kind of non-excuses for it that made sense at the time but now I think about it they didn't really justify the action.
At the time I really didn't want to argue, as I already lost a super close friend last year and really don't want to lose another, but I'm finding myself thinking more and more that I should have stood my ground and made my feelings known instead of being so quick to try and resolve things with the least amount of fallout possible.
At the time this person also brought up something I'd said that they didn't like which I also felt I had to apologise for, even though it had been said with no mal-intention and had been a result of me opening up about something that had been bothering me. And it made me realise that this person always pulls me up on the most minor things that I might do to annoy them to where I always feel like I need to apologise for it to try and save the friendship. Whereas when they've done things to annoy me I tend to just be annoyed for a bit and then let it go, never to bring it up again.
I'm now in the position where if I go back to rehash this argument I'll be no better than them, but I also want to get closure from this and don't want to grow bitter towards them. Cutting them out of my life is not an option as I love them dearly, and I am able to accept that no personal relationship will ever be flawless and everyone has their faults - it doesn't make them toxic. It just sucks, you know? "
sounds like you dont want to breach the relationship...you are normal..going through the same thing myself.. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Too many people have bad friends.
I don’t know enough to comment on this situation.
Friends aren’t perfect . They won’t be the ideal friend, that is a rarity and if you have it, good for you.
Think about what your willing to put up with. If they hurt you continually and run you down. Consider if that’s a friend that is good for you .
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Sometimes I find with stuff like this, the bigger deal you make out of it, the bigger kinda deal it’ll become.
Maybe it’s a guy thing, but if I’ve got a problem I just let someone know. In the moment. A call later. Even a txt. Most people are completely fine with just a fairly blunt, but kind, reminder of your boundaries. And if they aren’t? Drop them |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Yeah, it really sucks. Our friends are such an important part of our lives, so when we dont feel great about a friendship, it can really rock our world.
Sometimes, we get into a trap where we feel like the only way for a relationship to work is if we do all the compromising. We end up prioritising what they want and need above our own wants and needs for fear that they wont like us if we ask anything of them. I get this if I am feeling particularly anxious! Sadly, sooner or later those friendships stop being healthy for us.
The funny thing is, most of the time our friends will still like us when we speak up (even if they find it hard at the time) and will actually be grateful that you have let them know what you need for the friendship to work for you. They would be much more upset if the friendship ended or fizzled out and they didnt know why.
I think the first issue you spoke about isnt really the big issue here. It sounds like you feel there is an imbalance around communication and accountability in your relationship, and that is unsustainable in the long run. If you think you want to keep a friendship, then I think you need to discuss this with them and explain that the way things are right now arent working for you.
The first issue will probably come out in the wash
Good luck lovely person!
Fay x  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Thank you for all the measured responses, really appreciate people taking the time out to write such thoughtful responses.
While I truly cherish and value this person, part of me does wonder how much of the friendship on my part is down to the sunk cost fallacy - ie not giving up on something because of all the time and effort you've already invested.
I don't know. Being an adult is hard. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Thank you for all the measured responses, really appreciate people taking the time out to write such thoughtful responses.
While I truly cherish and value this person, part of me does wonder how much of the friendship on my part is down to the sunk cost fallacy - ie not giving up on something because of all the time and effort you've already invested.
I don't know. Being an adult is hard. "
Yes, it certainly can be.
It sounds like you have lots of thinking to do. Be kind to yourself, eat cake, and know that there is no wrong answer x |
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