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Opposites attract…
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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But does it work long term?
A friend has been with his partner around 3 years. Now that the pretending to like the same things phase is well and truly gone he’s realised they have nothing in common.
He’s outgoing and sociable and she’s an introvert who loves quiet nights in front of the telly.
Now I only have his side of the story but I just want to know can complete opposites work long term? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"No I don't think they do. You can be different but you need some things in common to keep you bonded."
That’s what I was thinking. My friend adores his partner but it’s causing problems because they don’t like to do anything together as a couple. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Everyone is opposite to me though  You need to find two people then.... As two negatives make a positive... "
That didn’t work when I tried to get 10 days off with covid. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"From experience no. At first the differences are cute and make them unique. After time they're frustrating and life gets hard to negotiate. "
Do you think compromise is possible? He said he feels like he’s giving up everything he enjoys just to keep the peace. |
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By *ack688Man
over a year ago
abruzzo Italy (and UK) |
I know it wouldn’t ever work for me, my last lap of term partner has all the same likes and dislikes as me, same view points, we invariably wanted to be doing the same things and it was amazing, and I can’t imagine being with someone else now who doesn’t have that same level of similarity anymore. |
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They need to find new things they do like to do together. Mr N and I are different in many ways but we found stuff we'd never done as individuals and did them together. We also have no issue following our interests separately.
Why on earth did they pretend to like the same stuff in the first place ? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I know it wouldn’t ever work for me, my last lap of term partner has all the same likes and dislikes as me, same view points, we invariably wanted to be doing the same things and it was amazing, and I can’t imagine being with someone else now who doesn’t have that same level of similarity anymore."
I’m the opposite. I like to debate and I like minor disagreements.
Me and my wife have plenty of shared interests but it would drive me mental if she always agreed with me. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Everyone is opposite to me though
You just need to find someone who hates everything apart from Ryan and Wine. That shouldn’t be too hard."
I will not give up.
I mean, I probably will. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"They need to find new things they do like to do together. Mr N and I are different in many ways but we found stuff we'd never done as individuals and did them together. We also have no issue following our interests separately.
Why on earth did they pretend to like the same stuff in the first place ?"
I think a lot of new relationships are filled with white lies. Pretending to like a band because the other does or things like that.
My wife pretended to like football for about a year. She even went to games with me.
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"From experience no. At first the differences are cute and make them unique. After time they're frustrating and life gets hard to negotiate.
Do you think compromise is possible? He said he feels like he’s giving up everything he enjoys just to keep the peace."
I did that. Keeping the peace doesn't make both of you happy. If both parties can compromise it may work but if one is already "keeping the peace" I can't imagine the other party is the compromising sort. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Everyone is opposite to me though
You just need to find someone who hates everything apart from Ryan and Wine. That shouldn’t be too hard.
I will not give up.
I mean, I probably will. "
Just move to Wrexham. I’m sure they love Ryan there. Then you just need to find a pessimist who loves wine. |
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"They need to find new things they do like to do together. Mr N and I are different in many ways but we found stuff we'd never done as individuals and did them together. We also have no issue following our interests separately.
Why on earth did they pretend to like the same stuff in the first place ?
I think a lot of new relationships are filled with white lies. Pretending to like a band because the other does or things like that.
My wife pretended to like football for about a year. She even went to games with me.
"
You're right but three years! I saw a bit of a red flag when you said he feels like he's giving up everything to keep the peace. I also think a relationship is half way to being doomed when people share their problems outside instead of resolving them together. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"From experience no. At first the differences are cute and make them unique. After time they're frustrating and life gets hard to negotiate.
Do you think compromise is possible? He said he feels like he’s giving up everything he enjoys just to keep the peace."
I guess if both are willing to compromise then yes I guess so. I think realistically it usually ends up with one person doing all the compromising and feeling bitter about it or in my case we ended up just living separate lives and became more like flatmates than partners. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"From experience no. At first the differences are cute and make them unique. After time they're frustrating and life gets hard to negotiate.
Do you think compromise is possible? He said he feels like he’s giving up everything he enjoys just to keep the peace.
I did that. Keeping the peace doesn't make both of you happy. If both parties can compromise it may work but if one is already "keeping the peace" I can't imagine the other party is the compromising sort."
That’s pretty much what he said to me. Like I’ve said earlier though I’m only getting his side of the story. Her side might be completely different. |
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"From experience no. At first the differences are cute and make them unique. After time they're frustrating and life gets hard to negotiate.
Do you think compromise is possible? He said he feels like he’s giving up everything he enjoys just to keep the peace.
I did that. Keeping the peace doesn't make both of you happy. If both parties can compromise it may work but if one is already "keeping the peace" I can't imagine the other party is the compromising sort.
That’s pretty much what he said to me. Like I’ve said earlier though I’m only getting his side of the story. Her side might be completely different."
Agreed. She might have absolutely no clue how he feels, that he's feeling like this. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"They need to find new things they do like to do together. Mr N and I are different in many ways but we found stuff we'd never done as individuals and did them together. We also have no issue following our interests separately.
Why on earth did they pretend to like the same stuff in the first place ?
I think a lot of new relationships are filled with white lies. Pretending to like a band because the other does or things like that.
My wife pretended to like football for about a year. She even went to games with me.
You're right but three years! I saw a bit of a red flag when you said he feels like he's giving up everything to keep the peace. I also think a relationship is half way to being doomed when people share their problems outside instead of resolving them together."
That’s a good point.
In my opinion I think she is being unreasonable. They don’t have kids so going out together every once in a while shouldn’t be a problem. He’s not suggesting nightclubs or anything, just the local or out for a nice meal with friends.
I am friends with her too so I’m very careful about what I’ve said to him. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"From experience no. At first the differences are cute and make them unique. After time they're frustrating and life gets hard to negotiate.
Do you think compromise is possible? He said he feels like he’s giving up everything he enjoys just to keep the peace.
I did that. Keeping the peace doesn't make both of you happy. If both parties can compromise it may work but if one is already "keeping the peace" I can't imagine the other party is the compromising sort.
That’s pretty much what he said to me. Like I’ve said earlier though I’m only getting his side of the story. Her side might be completely different."
She might be happy with how things are, she might also be thinking the same. He really needs to talk to her and work out where they're at together and what the future looks like. I know it's hard when there are no bad feelings, it feels wrong to rock the boat but we only have one life, there's no reason to spend it miserable. |
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"They need to find new things they do like to do together. Mr N and I are different in many ways but we found stuff we'd never done as individuals and did them together. We also have no issue following our interests separately.
Why on earth did they pretend to like the same stuff in the first place ?
I think a lot of new relationships are filled with white lies. Pretending to like a band because the other does or things like that.
My wife pretended to like football for about a year. She even went to games with me.
You're right but three years! I saw a bit of a red flag when you said he feels like he's giving up everything to keep the peace. I also think a relationship is half way to being doomed when people share their problems outside instead of resolving them together.
That’s a good point.
In my opinion I think she is being unreasonable. They don’t have kids so going out together every once in a while shouldn’t be a problem. He’s not suggesting nightclubs or anything, just the local or out for a nice meal with friends.
I am friends with her too so I’m very careful about what I’ve said to him."
How is he suggesting these things and why doesn't she want to go out? Also why on earth did he pretend something for three years then think she's unreasonable for not understanding when he suddenly reveals his true self.? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"They need to find new things they do like to do together. Mr N and I are different in many ways but we found stuff we'd never done as individuals and did them together. We also have no issue following our interests separately.
Why on earth did they pretend to like the same stuff in the first place ?
I think a lot of new relationships are filled with white lies. Pretending to like a band because the other does or things like that.
My wife pretended to like football for about a year. She even went to games with me.
You're right but three years! I saw a bit of a red flag when you said he feels like he's giving up everything to keep the peace. I also think a relationship is half way to being doomed when people share their problems outside instead of resolving them together.
That’s a good point.
In my opinion I think she is being unreasonable. They don’t have kids so going out together every once in a while shouldn’t be a problem. He’s not suggesting nightclubs or anything, just the local or out for a nice meal with friends.
I am friends with her too so I’m very careful about what I’ve said to him.
How is he suggesting these things and why doesn't she want to go out? Also why on earth did he pretend something for three years then think she's unreasonable for not understanding when he suddenly reveals his true self.?"
I probably should have got the answers to these questions before I posted the thread.
She just says that she doesn’t want to go out. Maybe it’s because of lockdowns, I don’t know. He’s always been outgoing and the life and soul of the party so she knew this when they got together but maybe being in the house together for 2 years straight made her think he was happy doing that. |
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"From experience no. At first the differences are cute and make them unique. After time they're frustrating and life gets hard to negotiate.
Do you think compromise is possible? He said he feels like he’s giving up everything he enjoys just to keep the peace.
I did that. Keeping the peace doesn't make both of you happy. If both parties can compromise it may work but if one is already "keeping the peace" I can't imagine the other party is the compromising sort.
That’s pretty much what he said to me. Like I’ve said earlier though I’m only getting his side of the story. Her side might be completely different.
She might be happy with how things are, she might also be thinking the same. He really needs to talk to her and work out where they're at together and what the future looks like. I know it's hard when there are no bad feelings, it feels wrong to rock the boat but we only have one life, there's no reason to spend it miserable. "
And that was the exact reason I had to leave. I was miserable. Over the years I'd given up more and more of the things I liked to do, to keep the peace. I didn't have a life.
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"They need to find new things they do like to do together. Mr N and I are different in many ways but we found stuff we'd never done as individuals and did them together. We also have no issue following our interests separately.
Why on earth did they pretend to like the same stuff in the first place ?
I think a lot of new relationships are filled with white lies. Pretending to like a band because the other does or things like that.
My wife pretended to like football for about a year. She even went to games with me.
You're right but three years! I saw a bit of a red flag when you said he feels like he's giving up everything to keep the peace. I also think a relationship is half way to being doomed when people share their problems outside instead of resolving them together.
That’s a good point.
In my opinion I think she is being unreasonable. They don’t have kids so going out together every once in a while shouldn’t be a problem. He’s not suggesting nightclubs or anything, just the local or out for a nice meal with friends.
I am friends with her too so I’m very careful about what I’ve said to him.
How is he suggesting these things and why doesn't she want to go out? Also why on earth did he pretend something for three years then think she's unreasonable for not understanding when he suddenly reveals his true self.?
I probably should have got the answers to these questions before I posted the thread.
She just says that she doesn’t want to go out. Maybe it’s because of lockdowns, I don’t know. He’s always been outgoing and the life and soul of the party so she knew this when they got together but maybe being in the house together for 2 years straight made her think he was happy doing that."
So many questions  to which we will never know the answer. Without knowing you or either of these people my completely uninformed opinion is that the relationship is doomed because of a chronic lack of communication and basic incompatibility. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"They need to find new things they do like to do together. Mr N and I are different in many ways but we found stuff we'd never done as individuals and did them together. We also have no issue following our interests separately.
Why on earth did they pretend to like the same stuff in the first place ?
I think a lot of new relationships are filled with white lies. Pretending to like a band because the other does or things like that.
My wife pretended to like football for about a year. She even went to games with me.
You're right but three years! I saw a bit of a red flag when you said he feels like he's giving up everything to keep the peace. I also think a relationship is half way to being doomed when people share their problems outside instead of resolving them together.
That’s a good point.
In my opinion I think she is being unreasonable. They don’t have kids so going out together every once in a while shouldn’t be a problem. He’s not suggesting nightclubs or anything, just the local or out for a nice meal with friends.
I am friends with her too so I’m very careful about what I’ve said to him.
How is he suggesting these things and why doesn't she want to go out? Also why on earth did he pretend something for three years then think she's unreasonable for not understanding when he suddenly reveals his true self.?
I probably should have got the answers to these questions before I posted the thread.
She just says that she doesn’t want to go out. Maybe it’s because of lockdowns, I don’t know. He’s always been outgoing and the life and soul of the party so she knew this when they got together but maybe being in the house together for 2 years straight made her think he was happy doing that.
So many questions to which we will never know the answer. Without knowing you or either of these people my completely uninformed opinion is that the relationship is doomed because of a chronic lack of communication and basic incompatibility. "
I do know he has communicated with her because he told me she’ll go out once if he brings this subject up but then goes straight back to Netflix or whatever until the next time they argue/discuss it.
I agree completely that they’re incompatible though. |
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"They need to find new things they do like to do together. Mr N and I are different in many ways but we found stuff we'd never done as individuals and did them together. We also have no issue following our interests separately.
Why on earth did they pretend to like the same stuff in the first place ?
I think a lot of new relationships are filled with white lies. Pretending to like a band because the other does or things like that.
My wife pretended to like football for about a year. She even went to games with me.
You're right but three years! I saw a bit of a red flag when you said he feels like he's giving up everything to keep the peace. I also think a relationship is half way to being doomed when people share their problems outside instead of resolving them together.
That’s a good point.
In my opinion I think she is being unreasonable. They don’t have kids so going out together every once in a while shouldn’t be a problem. He’s not suggesting nightclubs or anything, just the local or out for a nice meal with friends.
I am friends with her too so I’m very careful about what I’ve said to him.
How is he suggesting these things and why doesn't she want to go out? Also why on earth did he pretend something for three years then think she's unreasonable for not understanding when he suddenly reveals his true self.?
I probably should have got the answers to these questions before I posted the thread.
She just says that she doesn’t want to go out. Maybe it’s because of lockdowns, I don’t know. He’s always been outgoing and the life and soul of the party so she knew this when they got together but maybe being in the house together for 2 years straight made her think he was happy doing that.
So many questions to which we will never know the answer. Without knowing you or either of these people my completely uninformed opinion is that the relationship is doomed because of a chronic lack of communication and basic incompatibility.
I do know he has communicated with her because he told me she’ll go out once if he brings this subject up but then goes straight back to Netflix or whatever until the next time they argue/discuss it.
I agree completely that they’re incompatible though."
Oh dear the poor things. It'll be a bit awkward for you when the break up happens |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"They need to find new things they do like to do together. Mr N and I are different in many ways but we found stuff we'd never done as individuals and did them together. We also have no issue following our interests separately.
Why on earth did they pretend to like the same stuff in the first place ?
I think a lot of new relationships are filled with white lies. Pretending to like a band because the other does or things like that.
My wife pretended to like football for about a year. She even went to games with me.
You're right but three years! I saw a bit of a red flag when you said he feels like he's giving up everything to keep the peace. I also think a relationship is half way to being doomed when people share their problems outside instead of resolving them together.
That’s a good point.
In my opinion I think she is being unreasonable. They don’t have kids so going out together every once in a while shouldn’t be a problem. He’s not suggesting nightclubs or anything, just the local or out for a nice meal with friends.
I am friends with her too so I’m very careful about what I’ve said to him.
How is he suggesting these things and why doesn't she want to go out? Also why on earth did he pretend something for three years then think she's unreasonable for not understanding when he suddenly reveals his true self.?
I probably should have got the answers to these questions before I posted the thread.
She just says that she doesn’t want to go out. Maybe it’s because of lockdowns, I don’t know. He’s always been outgoing and the life and soul of the party so she knew this when they got together but maybe being in the house together for 2 years straight made her think he was happy doing that.
So many questions to which we will never know the answer. Without knowing you or either of these people my completely uninformed opinion is that the relationship is doomed because of a chronic lack of communication and basic incompatibility.
I do know he has communicated with her because he told me she’ll go out once if he brings this subject up but then goes straight back to Netflix or whatever until the next time they argue/discuss it.
I agree completely that they’re incompatible though.
Oh dear the poor things. It'll be a bit awkward for you when the break up happens"
On the plus side she doesn’t go out much so I won’t see her that often  |
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"They need to find new things they do like to do together. Mr N and I are different in many ways but we found stuff we'd never done as individuals and did them together. We also have no issue following our interests separately.
Why on earth did they pretend to like the same stuff in the first place ?
I think a lot of new relationships are filled with white lies. Pretending to like a band because the other does or things like that.
My wife pretended to like football for about a year. She even went to games with me.
You're right but three years! I saw a bit of a red flag when you said he feels like he's giving up everything to keep the peace. I also think a relationship is half way to being doomed when people share their problems outside instead of resolving them together.
That’s a good point.
In my opinion I think she is being unreasonable. They don’t have kids so going out together every once in a while shouldn’t be a problem. He’s not suggesting nightclubs or anything, just the local or out for a nice meal with friends.
I am friends with her too so I’m very careful about what I’ve said to him.
How is he suggesting these things and why doesn't she want to go out? Also why on earth did he pretend something for three years then think she's unreasonable for not understanding when he suddenly reveals his true self.?
I probably should have got the answers to these questions before I posted the thread.
She just says that she doesn’t want to go out. Maybe it’s because of lockdowns, I don’t know. He’s always been outgoing and the life and soul of the party so she knew this when they got together but maybe being in the house together for 2 years straight made her think he was happy doing that.
So many questions to which we will never know the answer. Without knowing you or either of these people my completely uninformed opinion is that the relationship is doomed because of a chronic lack of communication and basic incompatibility.
I do know he has communicated with her because he told me she’ll go out once if he brings this subject up but then goes straight back to Netflix or whatever until the next time they argue/discuss it.
I agree completely that they’re incompatible though.
Oh dear the poor things. It'll be a bit awkward for you when the break up happens
On the plus side she doesn’t go out much so I won’t see her that often "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Don't think there is an easy answe and often the underlying differences are deeper
Eh it feels like it's important for him they go out as a couple. Why is that?
And she doesn't want to... Why is that?
It's not just about going out and staying in, it's about who you are doing it with that appears to be the issue.
Not trying to solve this btw, but communication of our deepe needs is important yet we often don't do that.
"I want a glass of water" is communicating a need. But if know it's because you are thirsty, or choking, or because something is on fire, may change my response! |
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By *ack688Man
over a year ago
abruzzo Italy (and UK) |
"I know it wouldn’t ever work for me, my last lap of term partner has all the same likes and dislikes as me, same view points, we invariably wanted to be doing the same things and it was amazing, and I can’t imagine being with someone else now who doesn’t have that same level of similarity anymore.
I’m the opposite. I like to debate and I like minor disagreements.
Me and my wife have plenty of shared interests but it would drive me mental if she always agreed with me."
Yeah, that would annoy the hell out of me, I don’t want to be in disagreement with the person who is most important and central to my life, I would find that antagonism jarring and a bar to intimacy |
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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago
East London |
It can work if you want it to.
I don't need to be stuck to a partner for all his free time.
I'd spectate in any sport he was into, and have the occasional night out.
I'd assume he will have friends to trawl bars and rave all night with.
If he wanted a hiking/biking/any other physical activity partner though it can't be me.
I don't need someone to sit next to me on my sofa every night and weekend but I'd like him to be active in bed.
If I loved someone I'd make it work and hopefully he'd like to find things we can do together.
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