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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Fella buys a talking centipede for £5000 and takes it home in small box.
After 30 mins he opens the box and says "Would you like to go for a pint".
The centipede doesn't answer... Raising his voice he repeats the question, still no reply.
Getting he angry, thinking shouts he's been done, he shouts the question loudly.
At which the centipede sticks his head out of his box and says "I heard you the Ist time I'm putting my fucking shoes on". |
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"I saw a good one earlier:
Me to the librarian "where are your books on paranoia?", they whisper back "they're behind you.""
I went to a book shop and asked where the self-help section was. They said if they told me that it would defeat the object. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I saw a good one earlier:
Me to the librarian "where are your books on paranoia?", they whisper back "they're behind you.""
I went to the library and asked if I could borrow a book on suicide. They said 'No, you won't bring it back'. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Guy walks into doctors surgery naked wrapped in cling film and says...Doctor..i dont know whats wrong..think im going crazy
Doctor looks up at him and replies...well...i can clearly see your nuts.. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"My last girlfriend had really bad crossed eyes. I dumped her because I suspected she was seeing someone on the side.
I think it was me, we also broke up as we didn’t see eye to eye"
Surprised it took so long for my cross eyed gf to break up with me really after i was cheating...she just couldnt see what was going on right under her nose |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My friend Sophie was telling me about a huge argument she had with her boyfriend ,when a big bunch of flowers from him arrived.
She said you know what this means don't you, I've got to keep my legs open for two weeks
I said,. Why Sophie, ain't you got a vase? |
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Scrooge is sitting by his fire on christmas day when there's a knock on the door.
He answers it to find a snail looking at him, the snail says merry christmas, scooge says fuck off and kicks the snail down his path.
Another year passes and it's christmas day again, there's a knock on the door, scrooge answers it and there's a snail looking at him.
The snail says what the fuck did you do that for? |
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A man goes to the doctors and says doctor you have to help me, i keep singing the green green grass of home.
The doctor replies don't panic you're just suffering from Tom Jonesitis.
The man says is it common, the doctor replies it's not unusual. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Man goes to the doctor and says I think my nose looks like a trombone
He checked and said yes it does I said I thought so my brother's nose is the shape of a trumpet
The doctor said funny we had a girl in last week and she had a nose the shape of a mouth organ
Oh I said that must be our monica |
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