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The addict in the family
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By *.L.0460. OP Woman
over a year ago
Bognor Regis |
Has anyone dealt with an adult drug addict who still lives with parents & verbally abuses them regularly?
I'm almost at my wit's end. My brother is in his 40s & I can't convince my parents to chuck him out, despite the appalling way he treats them.
Apparently, all I could do is go call adult social services but unless my parents choose to deal with it, there's bugger all I can do. He's destroying their health & happiness while I have to stand by, watch & listen to them complaining.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Cannot imagine what you are going through. I hope you are seeking support for yourself? I'm guessing the Brother isn't ready to seek help and I guess your parents aren't ready to take the hardline yet.
Just be there for them, but please make sure you have support for yourself x |
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By *.L.0460. OP Woman
over a year ago
Bognor Regis |
"Cannot imagine what you are going through. I hope you are seeking support for yourself? I'm guessing the Brother isn't ready to seek help and I guess your parents aren't ready to take the hardline yet.
Just be there for them, but please make sure you have support for yourself x"
Thank you so much. Our family is very fractured because of him & I only really have contact when I'm needed 
My grandmother was found dead in her home at the weekend, so I'm useful at the moment, because there's alot to organise. All the rest of the time, the addict is put above everyone else x |
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"Has anyone dealt with an adult drug addict who still lives with parents & verbally abuses them regularly?
I'm almost at my wit's end. My brother is in his 40s & I can't convince my parents to chuck him out, despite the appalling way he treats them.
Apparently, all I could do is go call adult social services but unless my parents choose to deal with it, there's bugger all I can do. He's destroying their health & happiness while I have to stand by, watch & listen to them complaining.
"
Hi, yeah I have a pretty similar situation. My younger brother (42) is making my parents life a misery. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm sorry you are in this situation but In all honesty there isn't very much you can do.
If your brother isn't prepared to seek help and your parents won't kick him out it's out of your hands. I would contact adult social services because at least then they are aware, You never know your parents might be more receptive than you think depending on what support is offered. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Has anyone dealt with an adult drug addict who still lives with parents & verbally abuses them regularly?
I'm almost at my wit's end. My brother is in his 40s & I can't convince my parents to chuck him out, despite the appalling way he treats them.
Apparently, all I could do is go call adult social services but unless my parents choose to deal with it, there's bugger all I can do. He's destroying their health & happiness while I have to stand by, watch & listen to them complaining.
"
Its a devastating situation to be in, I am assuming he isn't ready to ask for help with his addiction? |
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By *.L.0460. OP Woman
over a year ago
Bognor Regis |
"Has anyone dealt with an adult drug addict who still lives with parents & verbally abuses them regularly?
I'm almost at my wit's end. My brother is in his 40s & I can't convince my parents to chuck him out, despite the appalling way he treats them.
Apparently, all I could do is go call adult social services but unless my parents choose to deal with it, there's bugger all I can do. He's destroying their health & happiness while I have to stand by, watch & listen to them complaining.
Its a devastating situation to be in, I am assuming he isn't ready to ask for help with his addiction?"
He's been this way for years- he's arrogant & entitled. My parents owe him everything, it seems. I hate being around any of them. Now that my parents will inherit money from my Grandmother's house, I am extremely worried about their safety-physically, mentally & financially. They're already 30k in debt because of him. |
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By *.L.0460. OP Woman
over a year ago
Bognor Regis |
"Feel free to message me on here. No ulterior motive just to chat. I've begged my parents (both 71) to get him to move out. "
Thank you- I would have messaged, but I'm outside your age range so I can't!! |
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"Has anyone dealt with an adult drug addict who still lives with parents & verbally abuses them regularly?
I'm almost at my wit's end. My brother is in his 40s & I can't convince my parents to chuck him out, despite the appalling way he treats them.
Apparently, all I could do is go call adult social services but unless my parents choose to deal with it, there's bugger all I can do. He's destroying their health & happiness while I have to stand by, watch & listen to them complaining.
"
That's an awful thing you and your family are going through with your brother, I haven't personally had this but I do know some one going through this exact thing. Have you looked up some counselling for your parents to help them deal with it? and for your self? If they complain about him then it seems they are not happy with the situation but feel a duty to 'try' and help him...some times this comes from parents feeling they are to blame for what is happening...of course this isn't the case I'm sure...all you can do is look out for your own state of health and also for your parents, see if there are any leaflets you can get for them to read about why they feel they can't let him go...maybe they feel that they could not cope with guilt if they did chuck him out and he died. It's a sad and tough one for you all but mostly I think for your parents. |
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"Feel free to message me on here. No ulterior motive just to chat. I've begged my parents (both 71) to get him to move out.
Thank you- I would have messaged, but I'm outside your age range so I can't!! "
Hi I'll message you if that's OK |
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By *.L.0460. OP Woman
over a year ago
Bognor Regis |
"Has anyone dealt with an adult drug addict who still lives with parents & verbally abuses them regularly?
I'm almost at my wit's end. My brother is in his 40s & I can't convince my parents to chuck him out, despite the appalling way he treats them.
Apparently, all I could do is go call adult social services but unless my parents choose to deal with it, there's bugger all I can do. He's destroying their health & happiness while I have to stand by, watch & listen to them complaining.
That's an awful thing you and your family are going through with your brother, I haven't personally had this but I do know some one going through this exact thing. Have you looked up some counselling for your parents to help them deal with it? and for your self? If they complain about him then it seems they are not happy with the situation but feel a duty to 'try' and help him...some times this comes from parents feeling they are to blame for what is happening...of course this isn't the case I'm sure...all you can do is look out for your own state of health and also for your parents, see if there are any leaflets you can get for them to read about why they feel they can't let him go...maybe they feel that they could not cope with guilt if they did chuck him out and he died. It's a sad and tough one for you all but mostly I think for your parents."
They definitely say they'd feel guilty for kicking him out, in case something terrible happened to him so instead, they enable him & allow him the ability to spend any money he gets on drugs, while they feed & house him. It's horrendous |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I really feel for you as someone who was addicted to drugs in teens and early 20,s I can't believe the pain I put my family and loved ones through
I came out the other side only after confronting my demons from childhood to break free from addiction you have to want to get clean but remember it's very emotional draining for you also and you must seek support
Here if you need a chat x |
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By *.L.0460. OP Woman
over a year ago
Bognor Regis |
"I really feel for you as someone who was addicted to drugs in teens and early 20,s I can't believe the pain I put my family and loved ones through
I came out the other side only after confronting my demons from childhood to break free from addiction you have to want to get clean but remember it's very emotional draining for you also and you must seek support
Here if you need a chat x"
Thank you so much. I know I should try to be more understanding but I just can't. Having recently helped my best friend move on from being married to an addict, I just see the devastation they cause & I can't be charitable  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I really feel for you as someone who was addicted to drugs in teens and early 20,s I can't believe the pain I put my family and loved ones through
I came out the other side only after confronting my demons from childhood to break free from addiction you have to want to get clean but remember it's very emotional draining for you also and you must seek support
Here if you need a chat x
Thank you so much. I know I should try to be more understanding but I just can't. Having recently helped my best friend move on from being married to an addict, I just see the devastation they cause & I can't be charitable "
Sadly for the addict it's all about the next fix they don't see the damage its doing to those around them their loved ones members of the community and society as a whole and of course to themselves I completely understand how you feel if they want a clean life bad enough there is hope and a lot of support out there if they are prepared to reach out |
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"Has anyone dealt with an adult drug addict who still lives with parents & verbally abuses them regularly?
I'm almost at my wit's end. My brother is in his 40s & I can't convince my parents to chuck him out, despite the appalling way he treats them.
Apparently, all I could do is go call adult social services but unless my parents choose to deal with it, there's bugger all I can do. He's destroying their health & happiness while I have to stand by, watch & listen to them complaining.
That's an awful thing you and your family are going through with your brother, I haven't personally had this but I do know some one going through this exact thing. Have you looked up some counselling for your parents to help them deal with it? and for your self? If they complain about him then it seems they are not happy with the situation but feel a duty to 'try' and help him...some times this comes from parents feeling they are to blame for what is happening...of course this isn't the case I'm sure...all you can do is look out for your own state of health and also for your parents, see if there are any leaflets you can get for them to read about why they feel they can't let him go...maybe they feel that they could not cope with guilt if they did chuck him out and he died. It's a sad and tough one for you all but mostly I think for your parents.
They definitely say they'd feel guilty for kicking him out, in case something terrible happened to him so instead, they enable him & allow him the ability to spend any money he gets on drugs, while they feed & house him. It's horrendous "
Bloody heart breaking for you, unless your parents change their mind set there isn't much more you can do, try and get some leaflets that maybe will help them see what really is going on...while they are like you say 'enabling' him they are part of his problem...that's a harsh thing to say, sorry, but is true. I really do feel for you and what you are having to watch happen |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I understand that this is highly emotive subject for many and if your struggling please talk to someone be it partner, friend or someone you trust there is also support out there for anyone with a family member who has an addiction problem
Type adfam into Google and have a look at there Web site they are amazing the support they offer and its 100 percent confidential |
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By *.L.0460. OP Woman
over a year ago
Bognor Regis |
"I understand that this is highly emotive subject for many and if your struggling please talk to someone be it partner, friend or someone you trust there is also support out there for anyone with a family member who has an addiction problem
Type adfam into Google and have a look at there Web site they are amazing the support they offer and its 100 percent confidential "
Thank you so much. I'll take a look at that x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Not quite the same but we have an alcoholic who lives alone in a council flat and claims benefits because its everyone else's fault but his own why he can't work
Almost everyone in our family ponders to him and gives in to his hissy fits so he carries on thinking he's the one in the right and everyone who criticises him is in the wrong.
I can't offer any advice but thought it might make you feel a bit better to know its not just your family dealing with this kind of thing x |
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Sadly, I was your brother for a good 4-5 years. Although I didn’t abuse my parents like you’ve described, I certainly abused them in my own way
Sadly, people in that situation rarely change until it’s needed. An old quote I always remember. “Change only happens when the pain of staying the same is worse than the pain of change”
It sounds like your parents are enabling this. That’s where you should start. Look for local resources and charities then can give advice to your parents about dealing with this. Only an addict can choose to change, how the people around can help push that with the right actions
I hope it works out for you |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Not quite the same but we have an alcoholic who lives alone in a council flat and claims benefits because its everyone else's fault but his own why he can't work
Almost everyone in our family ponders to him and gives in to his hissy fits so he carries on thinking he's the one in the right and everyone who criticises him is in the wrong.
I can't offer any advice but thought it might make you feel a bit better to know its not just your family dealing with this kind of thing x"
No offence intended here but this isn't helpful at all.
I'm also no expert but I do have some experience, my younger brother died 4 years ago from complications derived from long-term alcohol abuse, our family is still dealing with it now.
In my experience and having spoken to professionals all using whatever they're addicted to as a means to gain temporary relief from trauma, they certainly won't have begun with hard drugs or alcohol but all of them are a means to find relief.
There are many sources for this,a good starting point perhaps is Dr Gabor Mate who talks about trauma (almost always in childhood) being at the centre of all addiction behaviours.
I wish you well. |
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By *.L.0460. OP Woman
over a year ago
Bognor Regis |
"Not quite the same but we have an alcoholic who lives alone in a council flat and claims benefits because its everyone else's fault but his own why he can't work
Almost everyone in our family ponders to him and gives in to his hissy fits so he carries on thinking he's the one in the right and everyone who criticises him is in the wrong.
I can't offer any advice but thought it might make you feel a bit better to know its not just your family dealing with this kind of thing x
No offence intended here but this isn't helpful at all.
I'm also no expert but I do have some experience, my younger brother died 4 years ago from complications derived from long-term alcohol abuse, our family is still dealing with it now.
In my experience and having spoken to professionals all using whatever they're addicted to as a means to gain temporary relief from trauma, they certainly won't have begun with hard drugs or alcohol but all of them are a means to find relief.
There are many sources for this,a good starting point perhaps is Dr Gabor Mate who talks about trauma (almost always in childhood) being at the centre of all addiction behaviours.
I wish you well."
It actually IS helpful to hear that others know what it's like. My brothers & I had the same upbringing- sadly, he was always awful to everyone even when he was young, nobody could ever work him out. I have absolutely no doubt that he will die due to drugs- the only question is when. I just wish he wasn't dragging my parents down with him.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Not quite the same but we have an alcoholic who lives alone in a council flat and claims benefits because its everyone else's fault but his own why he can't work
Almost everyone in our family ponders to him and gives in to his hissy fits so he carries on thinking he's the one in the right and everyone who criticises him is in the wrong.
I can't offer any advice but thought it might make you feel a bit better to know its not just your family dealing with this kind of thing x
No offence intended here but this isn't helpful at all.
I'm also no expert but I do have some experience, my younger brother died 4 years ago from complications derived from long-term alcohol abuse, our family is still dealing with it now.
In my experience and having spoken to professionals all using whatever they're addicted to as a means to gain temporary relief from trauma, they certainly won't have begun with hard drugs or alcohol but all of them are a means to find relief.
There are many sources for this,a good starting point perhaps is Dr Gabor Mate who talks about trauma (almost always in childhood) being at the centre of all addiction behaviours.
I wish you well."
Sorry?
Isn't helpful to who?
The comment was aimed op so she would know that she isn't alone in this type of situation |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Not quite the same but we have an alcoholic who lives alone in a council flat and claims benefits because its everyone else's fault but his own why he can't work
Almost everyone in our family ponders to him and gives in to his hissy fits so he carries on thinking he's the one in the right and everyone who criticises him is in the wrong.
I can't offer any advice but thought it might make you feel a bit better to know its not just your family dealing with this kind of thing x
No offence intended here but this isn't helpful at all.
I'm also no expert but I do have some experience, my younger brother died 4 years ago from complications derived from long-term alcohol abuse, our family is still dealing with it now.
In my experience and having spoken to professionals all using whatever they're addicted to as a means to gain temporary relief from trauma, they certainly won't have begun with hard drugs or alcohol but all of them are a means to find relief.
There are many sources for this,a good starting point perhaps is Dr Gabor Mate who talks about trauma (almost always in childhood) being at the centre of all addiction behaviours.
I wish you well.
It actually IS helpful to hear that others know what it's like. My brothers & I had the same upbringing- sadly, he was always awful to everyone even when he was young, nobody could ever work him out. I have absolutely no doubt that he will die due to drugs- the only question is when. I just wish he wasn't dragging my parents down with him.
"
I'm glad you find this helpful, I know it's a hard situation and when you're in it it's easy to think "why us" and it's very very easy to feel like no one else is in the same boat as you
I don't speak to most of my family now because of an incident between him and my mum and everyone took his side and made my mum feel like rubbish, so I'm mostly out of the loop of the current goings on, thank god !
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Our family dealt with an alcoholic for years they stole, cheated, lied, neglected their children, almost financially ruined my parents etc. All I can suggest is to get help and advice for yourself and pass any advice on to your parents although I wager they won't take it. As harsh as it may sound you have to protect yourself as far as you can because the addiction is the addicts first priority. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Can’t offer you any advice but wish you all the best. Hope you find the strength to do what you feel is best for yourself and your family. It is a horrendous situation and I hope you can achieve the best possible outcome - whatever that needs to be.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Had it with my uncle when i was a teen i went to see my gran and she was crying because he was trying to force her into giving him money and getting lairy so had to take him outside for a strong warning about how to treat family then told him fuck off and find a new home until he gets his head right and went to sort my gran out told her call me if he asks for money again and she never did no idea if he did it again mind you i never saw him again after that for about 10 years |
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