FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > People pleaser

People pleaser

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Are you a “people pleaser”?

I have been for years, I don’t mean just sexually.

Now I am standing up for myself more people say “you’ve changed”!!

Do you find people say something on here to get your attention thinking it’s what you want to hear and when you slightly disagree they then agree with you!!

Me, I need honesty. Be honest of your intent and opinions. Be it on here or in life

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Gosh … yes I’m a people pleaser, but I won’t stand for crap or my friends putting up with it either.

There’s a line

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I was, but not so much now.

It’s liberating to release that.

I started with no longer apologising for taking up space, and went from there.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I was, but not so much now.

It’s liberating to release that.

I started with no longer apologising for taking up space, and went from there. "

I’m doing that yet now apparently I have attitude!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Used to be a people pleaser. I still am on the bed. But doing my best to avoid it outside. I have learned some hard lessons being a people pleaser.

* You can never please everyone around you.

* If you do something you hate just because someone else wanted you to and that ends up being bad, it affects everyone involved. At least do what you like so that no one else has to take responsibility for your own fuck ups

* Most people act like they know what they are talking about. But in reality, they are as clueless as we are. They are just good at hiding it.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Thinks it’s a trait some seem born with

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By *eliWoman over a year ago

I think that much like there's a fine line between confidence and arrogance there's also one between standing up for yourself and being a dick.

Am I a people pleaser? Well, I do put up with things to keep people happy. Definitely used to a fair bit. Now I'm far more likely to express how I feel rather than go along with something or say "oh that's fine" when actually, their behaviour was shitty. That doesn't mean I'm going to ignore how others think or feel or place myself as the centre of the universe. It does mean that I give myself the value I give to others.

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By *rHotNottsMan over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham

Not really , I can be generous & help family/friends out but it’s always my choice , I’ve no issue saying no to anyone.

Learning to say No more often is a break through for a lot of people suffering with mental health. You can then say yes to the right things

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By *ustBoWoman over a year ago

Somewhere in Co. Down

I use to be but in recent years not so much. I won't put up with crap from others or be guilted into doing something I don't want to do anymore just because it suits someone else..I'm not rude about it but I've just learnt to say no now and life is a lot easier.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I was, but not so much now.

It’s liberating to release that.

I started with no longer apologising for taking up space, and went from there.

I’m doing that yet now apparently I have attitude!!"

You will get that, I did, because you’re no longer being a good girl. You can express yourself and be truthful, whilst remaining polite

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I'm not at all, but in being that I tend to make people happy because anything I choose to do actually is from the heart as opposed to being from a need to please

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I'm not at all, but in being that I tend to make people happy because anything I choose to do actually is from the heart as opposed to being from a need to please "

IE actually less selfish

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By *riar BelisseWoman over a year ago

Delightful Bliss

No. I have a few friends who are and we work through empowering them to be able to say NO more often

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By *herryEatersCouple over a year ago

East Cheshire

"Are you a “people pleaser”?

I have been for years, I don’t mean just sexually.

Now I am standing up for myself more people say “you’ve changed”!!

Do you find people say something on here to get your attention thinking it’s what you want to hear and when you slightly disagree they then agree with you!!

Me, I need honesty. Be honest of your intent and opinions. Be it on here or in life "

Hmmmm people pleaser... We get so much pleasure from giving sexual pleasure to others but find very few are the same and give as much in return. We're also UTTERLY honest so no, we don't change tact and agree with something we disagree with just to falsely gain something !. Again we find very few like that too, no wonder we have so much trouble finding long term naughty friends on here lol

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I am, to a degree. Not as much now a days, when I turned 40 I'm not afraid to say I change, and i like it. I've gone into 'fuck off' mode

if it's not interesting to me or beneficial to me then I'm not wasting my time. Because you know what.... LIFES TO SHORT. I'm still a good person, I'm just nobody's mug anymore

Claire

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Irl yes, i am.. I don't like conflict, so i tend to be the one who compomises and fits in

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I used to be but it got to a certain point where I stopped for my own sanity. I do whats best for me now and I'm a better person for it.

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By *iscreet gent2018Man over a year ago

Newcastle

I love this post. For a large part of my life I’ve been a people pleaser. Putting dreams, goals and desires aside to help others. The only thing I’ve achieved by doing this is hurting myself and not being fully true to the person within me. Recently I’ve become aware of this and it’s something I’m trying to correct. However, when I do put myself first I’m tending to get grief from others who’ve been so used to me just doing things for them. Great post OP thanks for putting this out there.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Good Morning

Nope

Truth is the truth

No point sugar coating it

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Are you a “people pleaser”?

I have been for years, I don’t mean just sexually.

Now I am standing up for myself more people say “you’ve changed”!!

Do you find people say something on here to get your attention thinking it’s what you want to hear and when you slightly disagree they then agree with you!!

Me, I need honesty. Be honest of your intent and opinions. Be it on here or in life "

Unfortunately, I am people pleaser. And being honest it's not an advantage, it costs me a lot in my life

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Are you a “people pleaser”?

I have been for years, I don’t mean just sexually.

Now I am standing up for myself more people say “you’ve changed”!!

Do you find people say something on here to get your attention thinking it’s what you want to hear and when you slightly disagree they then agree with you!!

Me, I need honesty. Be honest of your intent and opinions. Be it on here or in life

Unfortunately, I am people pleaser. And being honest it's not an advantage, it costs me a lot in my life

Could you start making small changes?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Are you a “people pleaser”?

I have been for years, I don’t mean just sexually.

Now I am standing up for myself more people say “you’ve changed”!!

Do you find people say something on here to get your attention thinking it’s what you want to hear and when you slightly disagree they then agree with you!!

Me, I need honesty. Be honest of your intent and opinions. Be it on here or in life

Unfortunately, I am people pleaser. And being honest it's not an advantage, it costs me a lot in my life

Could you start making small changes? "

Like...?

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By *iscreet gent2018Man over a year ago

Newcastle

I heard this saying recently and it really helped me.

“You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm”.

I love this and try to build it into my life a little more than I have in the past.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Are you a “people pleaser”?

I have been for years, I don’t mean just sexually.

Now I am standing up for myself more people say “you’ve changed”!!

Do you find people say something on here to get your attention thinking it’s what you want to hear and when you slightly disagree they then agree with you!!

Me, I need honesty. Be honest of your intent and opinions. Be it on here or in life

Unfortunately, I am people pleaser. And being honest it's not an advantage, it costs me a lot in my life

Could you start making small changes?

Like...?"

When you’re in a shop, do you apologise for taking up space (where you are perfectly entitled to do so), do you say sorry a lot, when you shouldn’t?

I started there, sounds small and silly, but it’s about appreciating that you are entitled to be there, and valuing yourself.

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By *ealitybitesMan over a year ago

Belfast

I used to be because it was the easy option and avoided confrontation but at the same time I was never one to agree with someone if they were expressing an opinion I disagreed with.

There are lots of goldfish on this site who will agree with something said and then a couple of laps of the bowl and they are agreeing with someone who has the opposite opinion.

Being all things to all men is pretty common but on a site where validating and being validated is important to many it is even more obvious.

Lots of people claim in private messages that they don't want or need attention or validation but their public forum engagement says otherwise.

Lots of people claim on a public forum that they don't want or need attention or validation but their private messages often demand it.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Are you a “people pleaser”?

I have been for years, I don’t mean just sexually.

Now I am standing up for myself more people say “you’ve changed”!!

Do you find people say something on here to get your attention thinking it’s what you want to hear and when you slightly disagree they then agree with you!!

Me, I need honesty. Be honest of your intent and opinions. Be it on here or in life

Unfortunately, I am people pleaser. And being honest it's not an advantage, it costs me a lot in my life

Could you start making small changes?

Like...?

When you’re in a shop, do you apologise for taking up space (where you are perfectly entitled to do so), do you say sorry a lot, when you shouldn’t?

I started there, sounds small and silly, but it’s about appreciating that you are entitled to be there, and valuing yourself.

I am not underestimating myself. Au contrairé, I am sometimes brutally honest. I always helping people, but those people have very short memory...

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By *iscreet gent2018Man over a year ago

Newcastle

"Are you a “people pleaser”?

I have been for years, I don’t mean just sexually.

Now I am standing up for myself more people say “you’ve changed”!!

Do you find people say something on here to get your attention thinking it’s what you want to hear and when you slightly disagree they then agree with you!!

Me, I need honesty. Be honest of your intent and opinions. Be it on here or in life

Unfortunately, I am people pleaser. And being honest it's not an advantage, it costs me a lot in my life

Could you start making small changes?

Like...?

When you’re in a shop, do you apologise for taking up space (where you are perfectly entitled to do so), do you say sorry a lot, when you shouldn’t?

I started there, sounds small and silly, but it’s about appreciating that you are entitled to be there, and valuing yourself.

I am not underestimating myself. Au contrairé, I am sometimes brutally honest. I always helping people, but those people have very short memory..."

I feel your pain mate.

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By *ea monkeyMan over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)

I am a people pleaser and it’s got me into a lot of hurt and pain in the past.

Whilst I may say that I’m not going to do it, there are behaviours that are ingrained into me and it’s difficult to unlearn them.

I do give a lot of myself, then catch myself doing it and stop. Which throws things awry.

I’ve found that I get to a certain point in friendships or relationships where standing up for my needs breaks the dynamic. I’m not sure how to prevent that without giving too much though.

If you stand up for your needs it’s seen as selfish, if you don’t, you get hurt. Where’s the balance?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I am a people pleaser and it’s got me into a lot of hurt and pain in the past.

Whilst I may say that I’m not going to do it, there are behaviours that are ingrained into me and it’s difficult to unlearn them.

I do give a lot of myself, then catch myself doing it and stop. Which throws things awry.

I’ve found that I get to a certain point in friendships or relationships where standing up for my needs breaks the dynamic. I’m not sure how to prevent that without giving too much though.

If you stand up for your needs it’s seen as selfish, if you don’t, you get hurt. Where’s the balance? "

For me it's about setting boundaries.. But its pretty hard to do without tipping the scale. I think it says a lot about the people we surround ourselves with, that this is a struggle

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By *ea monkeyMan over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)

"I am a people pleaser and it’s got me into a lot of hurt and pain in the past.

Whilst I may say that I’m not going to do it, there are behaviours that are ingrained into me and it’s difficult to unlearn them.

I do give a lot of myself, then catch myself doing it and stop. Which throws things awry.

I’ve found that I get to a certain point in friendships or relationships where standing up for my needs breaks the dynamic. I’m not sure how to prevent that without giving too much though.

If you stand up for your needs it’s seen as selfish, if you don’t, you get hurt. Where’s the balance?

For me it's about setting boundaries.. But its pretty hard to do without tipping the scale. I think it says a lot about the people we surround ourselves with, that this is a struggle "

I agree.

It’s no secret that a lot of my relationships in the past have been very toxic and being a people pleaser has fed into that.

I’m trying to learn to be different but as you say, it’s the scales!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I was, but not so much now.

It’s liberating to release that.

I started with no longer apologising for taking up space, and went from there. "

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I heard this saying recently and it really helped me.

“You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm”.

I love this and try to build it into my life a little more than I have in the past. "

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I used to be when I was younger but with bad experiences over the years, it made me realise I had to toughen up a bit and start saying no to people more often. It's been a good thing for me too x

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I'm far to honest and free with my opinions to ever be classed as a people pleaser .

Although I will say this in the normal world I'm a naturally helpful person due to my upbringing.

I was raised to offer help to others if it looks like they may need it.

Things like offering to help a woman with a pram struggling to get on or off of a bus , offer help to a man pushing his car to a safe spot after it has broken down things like that.

Some people can make assumptions because I'm like that , that I'm a people pleaser but they soon learn I'm far from one when they cross me .

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By *icecouple561Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

East Sussex

Are we talking about pleasing people in general or a particular set of people?

I think we all have different boundaries with different people. I would compromise on certain things to please my partner without losing my *self* that I wouldn't dream of compromising on with a friend. Also by pleasing one person you're likely to displease another or you'll tie yourself in knots and be lying to one of them.

I do acknowledge that I learned very early in my life that things were much easier if I pleased my mother though.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I am a people pleaser and it’s got me into a lot of hurt and pain in the past.

Whilst I may say that I’m not going to do it, there are behaviours that are ingrained into me and it’s difficult to unlearn them.

I do give a lot of myself, then catch myself doing it and stop. Which throws things awry.

I’ve found that I get to a certain point in friendships or relationships where standing up for my needs breaks the dynamic. I’m not sure how to prevent that without giving too much though.

If you stand up for your needs it’s seen as selfish, if you don’t, you get hurt. Where’s the balance?

For me it's about setting boundaries.. But its pretty hard to do without tipping the scale. I think it says a lot about the people we surround ourselves with, that this is a struggle

I agree.

It’s no secret that a lot of my relationships in the past have been very toxic and being a people pleaser has fed into that.

I’m trying to learn to be different but as you say, it’s the scales! "

If a lot of your relationships have been toxic, it sounds like you need to change something.

Do the people that you've had toxic relationships with have toxicity with other people or are you the common factor?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Are we talking about pleasing people in general or a particular set of people?

I do acknowledge that I learned very early in my life that things were much easier if I pleased my mother though. "

I was the same with my mother as I was growing up because she expected it of me. She still does to this day and I really don't know why she's still doing it because it doesn't work anymore. I know she resents me for it x

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I try to help when I can with whoever needs help. But you can’t help everyone and some ppl just don’t wanna be help and you can’t please everyone x

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By *icecouple561Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

East Sussex

"Are we talking about pleasing people in general or a particular set of people?

I do acknowledge that I learned very early in my life that things were much easier if I pleased my mother though.

My mum came to rely on me for many things in her last years but the dynamic was still there to an extent. It's ok though

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By *nliveneTV/TS over a year ago

Selby

" i just want to say from the bottom of my heart, i would like to take this chance, to apologise to absolutely nobody"

"I do whatever the fuck i want , whenever i want, when i want "

"there's people who they mean to be your real friends but instead they are mean to you"

I love this 3 quotes abobe because

I learned my lesson in the hard way , from pleasing people

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By *ea monkeyMan over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)

"I am a people pleaser and it’s got me into a lot of hurt and pain in the past.

Whilst I may say that I’m not going to do it, there are behaviours that are ingrained into me and it’s difficult to unlearn them.

I do give a lot of myself, then catch myself doing it and stop. Which throws things awry.

I’ve found that I get to a certain point in friendships or relationships where standing up for my needs breaks the dynamic. I’m not sure how to prevent that without giving too much though.

If you stand up for your needs it’s seen as selfish, if you don’t, you get hurt. Where’s the balance?

For me it's about setting boundaries.. But its pretty hard to do without tipping the scale. I think it says a lot about the people we surround ourselves with, that this is a struggle

I agree.

It’s no secret that a lot of my relationships in the past have been very toxic and being a people pleaser has fed into that.

I’m trying to learn to be different but as you say, it’s the scales!

If a lot of your relationships have been toxic, it sounds like you need to change something.

Do the people that you've had toxic relationships with have toxicity with other people or are you the common factor? "

I’m aware that I need to change things, that’s the point of my post.

Those that I’ve had toxic relationships with have a history of them.

I’m not saying that I’m blameless or a victim in the relationships, the signs were there but being a people pleaser was definitely a factor

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

I was told this and try and live by it

“When you look in the mirror the only person you have to say you did your best to is the reflection”

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By *rincess peachWoman over a year ago

shits creek

"I am a people pleaser and it’s got me into a lot of hurt and pain in the past.

Whilst I may say that I’m not going to do it, there are behaviours that are ingrained into me and it’s difficult to unlearn them.

I do give a lot of myself, then catch myself doing it and stop. Which throws things awry.

I’ve found that I get to a certain point in friendships or relationships where standing up for my needs breaks the dynamic. I’m not sure how to prevent that without giving too much though.

If you stand up for your needs it’s seen as selfish, if you don’t, you get hurt. Where’s the balance?

For me it's about setting boundaries.. But its pretty hard to do without tipping the scale. I think it says a lot about the people we surround ourselves with, that this is a struggle

I agree.

It’s no secret that a lot of my relationships in the past have been very toxic and being a people pleaser has fed into that.

I’m trying to learn to be different but as you say, it’s the scales!

If a lot of your relationships have been toxic, it sounds like you need to change something.

Do the people that you've had toxic relationships with have toxicity with other people or are you the common factor?

I’m aware that I need to change things, that’s the point of my post.

Those that I’ve had toxic relationships with have a history of them.

I’m not saying that I’m blameless or a victim in the relationships, the signs were there but being a people pleaser was definitely a factor "

Hear ya loud n clear.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

People pleaser? Me?

Absolutely not. I like to make those I love happy and that makes me happy.

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By *affron40Woman over a year ago

manchester

I will do absolutely anything for those around me. But I also have a line. Takes a huge amount to cross that line but when it’s crossed I’m done.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I'm helpful, kind and enjoy looking after people. But I wouldn't describe myself as a people pleaser.

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By *rincess PhoenixWoman over a year ago

Southampton

Always been a people pleaser doing things even if I don't want to or it inconveniences me BUT swinging has given me the confidence to say no and stand up for myself including sexually. Some people don't like me standing up for myself but that's just because they no longer get their own way all the time

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By *iaisonseekerMan over a year ago

Liverpool

"Are you a “people pleaser”?

I have been for years, I don’t mean just sexually.

Now I am standing up for myself more people say “you’ve changed”!!

Do you find people say something on here to get your attention thinking it’s what you want to hear and when you slightly disagree they then agree with you!!

Me, I need honesty. Be honest of your intent and opinions. Be it on here or in life "

It is not the goal of life to stay the same for ever OP. Change (and, god forbid, personal growth) should be embraced.

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By *andyfloss2000Woman over a year ago

ashford

Yes I am think I allways will b x

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By *ophieslutTV/TS over a year ago

Central

I have been somewhat but dislike any compromise of some of my values, so stubbornly refuse now

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By *ife NinjaMan over a year ago

Dunfermline

I'm too old to be a fake. I say what I mean. If I like someone, I'll tell them. Can't be doing with platitudes

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By *inger_SnapWoman over a year ago

Hampshire/Dorset

Not anymore, I learnt to say no.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

People who know me well would probably say I am and at times too willing to please.

I do find it easier to do something for someone else that I won't do for myself though I am learning to say no.

I think I have lost contact with people once I did this and was not as useful to them

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