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Are there ever good reasons
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
and/ or mitigating circumstances for somebody to have an affair?
I am interested in whether people who may normally see this as rather a black/ white issue of it being wrong - full stop, whether they would understand that they might be reasons that would make it at least understandable?
I am genuinely curious and really hope that the thread stays on topic. Thanks everybody |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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In my eyes most people have affairs to ignite the lost spark they have in there current relationship or because there unhappy.
If your unhappy in a relationship sort it out or get out.
If its for the ignition of a lost spark why not try and ignite the once burning flame that brought the two people together in the first place. I don't agree with affairs in a relationship as it is cheating in its worse form and I don't like cheaters.... Just my opinion  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The mitigating circumstances depend on which side of the relationship you are: the one who stayed faithful or the one who strayed.
My ex 'mitigated' what she did to me by saying it was because of a comment, said in jest, 20 years earlier (or 16 years at the time she began shagging the guy involved) and that I was 'always' working.
I did not see this as in any way mitigating what she did as 1. the comment was said in jest and was never serious, and 2. I was working my backside off building up my business (which she subsequently destroyed) and working all hours. It also provided her with a much higher standard of living, very nice holidays etc which her girlfriends were, in some cases, jealous of.
So to me, I did nothing wrong. To her, in her mitigation, I did everything wrong.
Hence the reason I said that the 'mitigating circumstances' depend on whether you are the 'adulterer' or the 'adulted'.... 
 |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"The mitigating circumstances depend on which side of the relationship you are: the one who stayed faithful or the one who strayed.
My ex 'mitigated' what she did to me by saying it was because of a comment, said in jest, 20 years earlier (or 16 years at the time she began shagging the guy involved) and that I was 'always' working.
I did not see this as in any way mitigating what she did as 1. the comment was said in jest and was never serious, and 2. I was working my backside off building up my business (which she subsequently destroyed) and working all hours. It also provided her with a much higher standard of living, very nice holidays etc which her girlfriends were, in some cases, jealous of.
So to me, I did nothing wrong. To her, in her mitigation, I did everything wrong.
Hence the reason I said that the 'mitigating circumstances' depend on whether you are the 'adulterer' or the 'adulted'....
"
And despite your own bad experience you still maintain a balanced _iew.. that it all depends on circumstances. I think that is great. |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"In my eyes most people have affairs to ignite the lost spark they have in there current relationship or because there unhappy.
If your unhappy in a relationship sort it out or get out.
If its for the ignition of a lost spark why not try and ignite the once burning flame that brought the two people together in the first place. I don't agree with affairs in a relationship as it is cheating in its worse form and I don't like cheaters.... Just my opinion "
I can see you would not consider that a reason and my instant gut response would be that they should talk about things and try and sort them out, too.
I am more curious however, on whether people consider other circumstances as a good reason - I mean just as one example if one partner for whatever reason cannot have sex? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I personally do not think there is ever a reason or mitigating circumstance for an affair, full stop.
Regardless of whether you can have sex or not, a relationship to me should not be based on sex, and the emotional commitment and attachement is far more important.
An affair is damaging and I believe shows that one party is not content and therefore have the guts to sort out any issues or leave. |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"I will read this with interest, i don't feel i can comment as its happened to me twice and i feel very bitter and my _iews with come across all wrong"
I am sorry to hear that and I really admire you for having that self awareness.. that you might not be able to be objective. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The mitigating circumstances depend on which side of the relationship you are: the one who stayed faithful or the one who strayed.
My ex 'mitigated' what she did to me by saying it was because of a comment, said in jest, 20 years earlier (or 16 years at the time she began shagging the guy involved) and that I was 'always' working.
I did not see this as in any way mitigating what she did as 1. the comment was said in jest and was never serious, and 2. I was working my backside off building up my business (which she subsequently destroyed) and working all hours. It also provided her with a much higher standard of living, very nice holidays etc which her girlfriends were, in some cases, jealous of.
So to me, I did nothing wrong. To her, in her mitigation, I did everything wrong.
Hence the reason I said that the 'mitigating circumstances' depend on whether you are the 'adulterer' or the 'adulted'....
"
sometimes comments said in jest can really hurt people
i remember my ex calling me a beached whale, i didnt get undressed infront of him for years after and i truely believe that comment destroyed our marrage, because i wouldnt have sex with him after that so he went else where and we split
he told me over and over it was a joke and my size didnt really bother him but after that i just couldnt bear to get naked near him or have him touch me knowing thats what he really thought about me
something thats funny to you isnt always to other too
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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a friend of mine was once married and his wife was diagnose with a degenerative disease. Ultimately as her condition progressed, whilst they both loved each other and he continued to care for her, they could not enjoy a full relationship.... so after discussion with, and in the full knowledge of and consent or, his wife my friend fulfilled those needs elsewhere..... so yes, in my experience there are situations where the traditional absolutes of a relationship can become blurred.
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"I personally do not think there is ever a reason or mitigating circumstance for an affair, full stop.
Regardless of whether you can have sex or not, a relationship to me should not be based on sex, and the emotional commitment and attachement is far more important.
An affair is damaging and I believe shows that one party is not content and therefore have the guts to sort out any issues or leave. "
I agree that affairs can be very damaging. What do you think about a situation where one partner is terminally ill and not able to have sex? Would you say that does mean the healthy partner should ignore his/her needs? |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"a friend of mine was once married and his wife was diagnose with a degenerative disease. Ultimately as her condition progressed, whilst they both loved each other and he continued to care for her, they could not enjoy a full relationship.... so after discussion with, and in the full knowledge of and consent or, his wife my friend fulfilled those needs elsewhere..... so yes, in my experience there are situations where the traditional absolutes of a relationship can become blurred.
"
Yes, that is one of the situations I was thinking of.... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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There are good things for most things in many peoples eyes but they aren't good reasons in others. The rights and wrongs of what you do are really for the person involved to square with their soul an their partner as I see it. |
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I have been cheated on by most of my partners and you begin to question is it you that is leading them to cheat.. I did ask an ex why did he cheat and his response was he did not know.. He said to me that I was the most adorable,kindest and loveable woman he had met.
I have also been the other woman I had an affair with a married man..I have to say it was the most intense feeling.. However the guilt got the better of me and it ended..
I can't say why someone has an affair whether its because they are bored or the sex is not enough or they have simply fallen out of love.. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"a friend of mine was once married and his wife was diagnose with a degenerative disease. Ultimately as her condition progressed, whilst they both loved each other and he continued to care for her, they could not enjoy a full relationship.... so after discussion with, and in the full knowledge of and consent or, his wife my friend fulfilled those needs elsewhere..... so yes, in my experience there are situations where the traditional absolutes of a relationship can become blurred.
"
thats not cheating tho is it if he spoke to his wife and she agreed to it |
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"In my eyes most people have affairs to ignite the lost spark they have in there current relationship or because there unhappy.
****If your unhappy in a relationship sort it out or get out. *****
If its for the ignition of a lost spark why not try and ignite the once burning flame that brought the two people together in the first place. I don't agree with affairs in a relationship as it is cheating in its worse form and I don't like cheaters.... Just my opinion "
Hilighting this **If your unhappy in a relationship sort it out or get out. **
Its all so cut and dried for you people it seems.. Im unhappy no doubt he is too but we knock along.. As we have both reached retirement age it is rather stupid to imagine getting out..selling a property when neither would afford one each.. the prospect of no money coming in to pay bills. ( at least we can share right now)
Loneliness :- who the hell is going to want either of us in our declining years. we have little choice but to stick it out ..together but separate.
Try being married long term before thinking its easy to leave just because there is no longer a sexual relationship.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I personally do not think there is ever a reason or mitigating circumstance for an affair, full stop.
Regardless of whether you can have sex or not, a relationship to me should not be based on sex, and the emotional commitment and attachement is far more important.
An affair is damaging and I believe shows that one party is not content and therefore have the guts to sort out any issues or leave. I agree that affairs can be very damaging. What do you think about a situation where one partner is terminally ill and not able to have sex? Would you say that does mean the healthy partner should ignore his/her needs? "
Yes I do think the healthy partner should ignore their needs, they can always sort themselves out if needed, out of respect and love they have for their partner, and if I was terminally ill I'd like to think the last thing on M's mind would be shagging someone else, could wait for me to pass away peacefully in the knowledge that our bond was not broken. |
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"a friend of mine was once married and his wife was diagnose with a degenerative disease. Ultimately as her condition progressed, whilst they both loved each other and he continued to care for her, they could not enjoy a full relationship.... so after discussion with, and in the full knowledge of and consent or, his wife my friend fulfilled those needs elsewhere..... so yes, in my experience there are situations where the traditional absolutes of a relationship can become blurred.
"
That's not cheating though as she knew and agreed to it, we'd all be guilty if that was the case as we regularly have sex with others! Z |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"There are good things for most things in many peoples eyes but they aren't good reasons in others. The rights and wrongs of what you do are really for the person involved to square with their soul an their partner as I see it. "
I think that is a really valid point, that the people in that relationship need to address the issue. Now, what if the healthy person felt that asking for that permission (to have sex with somebody else)... what if he/she felt that was a cruel thing to do?
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"Aphrodite its not related to the post,, but i love your threads that you start. Always great to contribute too Thanks xx"
Thanks, Cute - and likewise I enjoy your threads a lot xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Aphrodite its not related to the post,, but i love your threads that you start. Always great to contribute too Thanks xxThanks, Cute - and likewise I enjoy your threads a lot xx"
ooops that was meant for a PM sorry lol  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
sometimes comments said in jest can really hurt people
i didnt get undressed infront of him for years after and i truely believe that comment destroyed our marrage, because i wouldnt have sex with him after that so he went else where and we split
he told me over and over it was a joke and my size didnt really bother him but after that i just couldnt bear to get naked near him or have him touch me knowing thats what he really thought about me
something thats funny to you isnt always to other too
"
That's just beastly.
I've met many women over the years that initially couldn't undress in front of me, had to have the lights off, me go out the room and then come back in when called, or even remain clothed, but I severely doubt whether the numskulls who make these comments ever realise. I've been lucky enough to undo it for a few.
Wolf |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"a friend of mine was once married and his wife was diagnose with a degenerative disease. Ultimately as her condition progressed, whilst they both loved each other and he continued to care for her, they could not enjoy a full relationship.... so after discussion with, and in the full knowledge of and consent or, his wife my friend fulfilled those needs elsewhere..... so yes, in my experience there are situations where the traditional absolutes of a relationship can become blurred.
thats not cheating tho is it if he spoke to his wife and she agreed to it"
agreed its possibly not many would consider cheating as it wasn't covert or behind her back... but as they remained married, he did have adulterous relationship nonetheless.
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"Aphrodite its not related to the post,, but i love your threads that you start. Always great to contribute too Thanks xxThanks, Cute - and likewise I enjoy your threads a lot xx
ooops that was meant for a PM sorry lol "
I am not the Prime Minister .. and I doubt I ever will be |
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"I personally do not think there is ever a reason or mitigating circumstance for an affair, full stop.
Regardless of whether you can have sex or not, a relationship to me should not be based on sex, and the emotional commitment and attachement is far more important.
An affair is damaging and I believe shows that one party is not content and therefore have the guts to sort out any issues or leave. I agree that affairs can be very damaging. What do you think about a situation where one partner is terminally ill and not able to have sex? Would you say that does mean the healthy partner should ignore his/her needs? "
i would think it disgusting cheating on someone terminally ill if not spoken about before. that would be the worst kind of cheating ever. imagine the pain the terminally ill person would go through if they found out |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Difference in the terminally ill cases mentioned so far, is that they all appear to be talked about up front... the whole idea of an affair (as I see it) is surely that it's something that is secret and their partner doesn't know about - otherwise wouldn't everyone on here be having an affair!
It's that sneakiness of doing it behind the back of someone they supposedly love that is presumably a massive part of the affair - that they're getting away with something they shouldn't be - and that riskiness is a huge part of the thrill?
(Male speaking by the way)
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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i dont think its good to have an afair if your married.
its worse than just having sex with other people.
i have always been honest with my husband, if i am not happy about something i tell him and i hope he would too. i think if your being ignored, neglected and not getting enough sex then its understandable if your realy that unhappy.
you should be able to tell your partner how you feel and if they realy care about you then they should make an effort. i think sex is important in a marriage. also if your partner is working away from home a lot then you may have good reason to cheat on them because they are more than likely to be cheating on you.
if you dont like your partner enough to want to have sex with them, then you shouldnt be together. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I personally do not think there is ever a reason or mitigating circumstance for an affair, full stop.
Regardless of whether you can have sex or not, a relationship to me should not be based on sex, and the emotional commitment and attachement is far more important.
An affair is damaging and I believe shows that one party is not content and therefore have the guts to sort out any issues or leave. "
 |
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I dont think there are any mitigating circumstances to having an affair - children are often used as an excuse, in that people dont want to end the marriage for the sake of their children, hence they look elsewhere for their happiness.
It has happened to me, as with someone above, I was working a lot of hours to give us a comfortable lifestyle, I was encouraged to do so. Only then did I find out that whilst I was out working all the time for her to spend our money, she was also seeing someone else, one half of a couple we socialised with.
If the marriage is dead, go your separate ways, kids are robust enough to deal with it, and the finances will get sorted out. |
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By *er himWoman
over a year ago
Essex |
"Difference in the terminally ill cases mentioned so far, is that they all appear to be talked about up front... the whole idea of an affair (as I see it) is surely that it's something that is secret and their partner doesn't know about - otherwise wouldn't everyone on here be having an affair!
Is it an Affair or just relieving sexual needs?
An Affair indicates an emotional attachment too.
Neither of us would agree that in a relationship married or not that an affair is ok.
We would hope that either would never be in that situation, one being unable to have intercourse, but if it was to happen, then would talk about it and share the intimate feelings as 3 people all caring for each in the relationship, just that only two could have intercourse. we would hope that although one wouldnt be capable of the final act then they could all share the the feeling of love
Ops managed to put post in the middle of quote so our feeling stop here!!!!
It's that sneakiness of doing it behind the back of someone they supposedly love that is presumably a massive part of the affair - that they're getting away with something they shouldn't be - and that riskiness is a huge part of the thrill?
(Male speaking by the way)
"
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An emotive subject, which for many is black and white. However I believe that there can be circumstances where someone having an affair should not be vilified.
A friend started seeing a married man a couple of years ago....from the beginning of their relationship he was honest about his marital status. He had been married for over 30 years....sadly his wife had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's 10 years earlier. He had cared for his wife at home for the first six years, but as her illness progressed is became necessary for her to be cared for in a nursing home. His wife had not been able to recognize him for over three years, although he continued to visit her on a regular basis. He suffered from depression and his family had suggested that he should join a dating site which is how he met my friend. His wife has since died and my friend and him are now engaged to be married. In the letter of the law he was having an affair....he was legally married and he had not got his wife's blessing, but in my opinion he did nothing wrong. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It is each person's decision that they make for themselves as to whether they fell compelled to look elsewhere for affection/love/human contact that they aren't getting at home. Some do get it at home but also enjoy the thrill of playing away. That too is a matter for their own conscience.
It doesn't bother me one jot whether someone is married or not nor whether his/her partner knows about these extramarital affairs or not, that's their business and I couldn't possibly be expected to know the full intricacies of their relationship nor would I want to know.
The bottom line is: if I fancy someone and vice versa - we'll play.
(speaking from a single man's _iewpoint as I am happily married) |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"An emotive subject, which for many is black and white. However I believe that there can be circumstances where someone having an affair should not be vilified.
A friend started seeing a married man a couple of years ago....from the beginning of their relationship he was honest about his marital status. He had been married for over 30 years....sadly his wife had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's 10 years earlier. He had cared for his wife at home for the first six years, but as her illness progressed is became necessary for her to be cared for in a nursing home. His wife had not been able to recognize him for over three years, although he continued to visit her on a regular basis. He suffered from depression and his family had suggested that he should join a dating site which is how he met my friend. His wife has since died and my friend and him are now engaged to be married. In the letter of the law he was having an affair....he was legally married and he had not got his wife's blessing, but in my opinion he did nothing wrong."
That in my moral landscape is ok. |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"It is each person's decision that they make for themselves as to whether they fell compelled to look elsewhere for affection/love/human contact that they aren't getting at home. Some do get it at home but also enjoy the thrill of playing away. That too is a matter for their own conscience.
It doesn't bother me one jot whether someone is married or not nor whether his/her partner knows about these extramarital affairs or not, that's their business and I couldn't possibly be expected to know the full intricacies of their relationship nor would I want to know.
The bottom line is: if I fancy someone and vice versa - we'll play.
(speaking from a single man's _iewpoint as I am happily married)"
And you are speaking with "the scene" in mind I guess? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It is each person's decision that they make for themselves as to whether they fell compelled to look elsewhere for affection/love/human contact that they aren't getting at home. Some do get it at home but also enjoy the thrill of playing away. That too is a matter for their own conscience.
It doesn't bother me one jot whether someone is married or not nor whether his/her partner knows about these extramarital affairs or not, that's their business and I couldn't possibly be expected to know the full intricacies of their relationship nor would I want to know.
The bottom line is: if I fancy someone and vice versa - we'll play.
(speaking from a single man's _iewpoint as I am happily married)
And you are speaking with "the scene" in mind I guess? "
Not at all. I believe it pertains to anyone in a relationship and having extramarital affairs. |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"It is each person's decision that they make for themselves as to whether they fell compelled to look elsewhere for affection/love/human contact that they aren't getting at home. Some do get it at home but also enjoy the thrill of playing away. That too is a matter for their own conscience.
It doesn't bother me one jot whether someone is married or not nor whether his/her partner knows about these extramarital affairs or not, that's their business and I couldn't possibly be expected to know the full intricacies of their relationship nor would I want to know.
The bottom line is: if I fancy someone and vice versa - we'll play.
(speaking from a single man's _iewpoint as I am happily married)
And you are speaking with "the scene" in mind I guess?
Not at all. I believe it pertains to anyone in a relationship and having extramarital affairs."
Just to make sure I understand correctly... you are saying that as a single bloke you would not be worried about the status of the other person? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Just to make sure I understand correctly... you are saying that as a single bloke you would not be worried about the status of the other person? "
Precisely. It's none of my business. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"In my eyes most people have affairs to ignite the lost spark they have in there current relationship or because there unhappy.
****If your unhappy in a relationship sort it out or get out. *****
If its for the ignition of a lost spark why not try and ignite the once burning flame that brought the two people together in the first place. I don't agree with affairs in a relationship as it is cheating in its worse form and I don't like cheaters.... Just my opinion
Hilighting this **If your unhappy in a relationship sort it out or get out. **
Its all so cut and dried for you people it seems.. Im unhappy no doubt he is too but we knock along.. As we have both reached retirement age it is rather stupid to imagine getting out..selling a property when neither would afford one each.. the prospect of no money coming in to pay bills. ( at least we can share right now)
Loneliness :- who the hell is going to want either of us in our declining years. we have little choice but to stick it out ..together but separate.
Try being married long term before thinking its easy to leave just because there is no longer a sexual relationship.
"
I agree with you Cinnamon. I don't think it's black and whote at all. There are many different reasons why a relationship may break down and people 'stay together'. But they aren't really together at all. I think it's really quite harsh when people do think it's black and white and say a couple should split up/ 'sort it out'. Sometimes it's just not that easy. |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"In my eyes most people have affairs to ignite the lost spark they have in there current relationship or because there unhappy.
****If your unhappy in a relationship sort it out or get out. *****
If its for the ignition of a lost spark why not try and ignite the once burning flame that brought the two people together in the first place. I don't agree with affairs in a relationship as it is cheating in its worse form and I don't like cheaters.... Just my opinion
Hilighting this **If your unhappy in a relationship sort it out or get out. **
Its all so cut and dried for you people it seems.. Im unhappy no doubt he is too but we knock along.. As we have both reached retirement age it is rather stupid to imagine getting out..selling a property when neither would afford one each.. the prospect of no money coming in to pay bills. ( at least we can share right now)
Loneliness :- who the hell is going to want either of us in our declining years. we have little choice but to stick it out ..together but separate.
Try being married long term before thinking its easy to leave just because there is no longer a sexual relationship.
I agree with you Cinnamon. I don't think it's black and whote at all. There are many different reasons why a relationship may break down and people 'stay together'. But they aren't really together at all. I think it's really quite harsh when people do think it's black and white and say a couple should split up/ 'sort it out'. Sometimes it's just not that easy."
I am inclined to support this - on the surface it sometimes looks as if things are clear cut but in many cases they are not. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It is each person's decision that they make for themselves as to whether they fell compelled to look elsewhere for affection/love/human contact that they aren't getting at home. Some do get it at home but also enjoy the thrill of playing away. That too is a matter for their own conscience.
It doesn't bother me one jot whether someone is married or not nor whether his/her partner knows about these extramarital affairs or not, that's their business and I couldn't possibly be expected to know the full intricacies of their relationship nor would I want to know.
The bottom line is: if I fancy someone and vice versa - we'll play.
(speaking from a single man's _iewpoint as I am happily married)"
I also agree with this. As I see it the married/ attached person is 'cheating', the single person is not.
Sex doesn't just happen, it's premeditated. The married/ attached person knows perfectly fine what they are doing. A single person can't ever persuade or 'force' a married person into have sex with them if the married person doesn't want to.
Everyone is responsible for their own actions. I really don't know why the single person ever gets the blame. If the married person doesn't want to cheat... they won't. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I am inclined to support this - on the surface it sometimes looks as if things are clear cut but in many cases they are not. "
Hence why I consider it to be none of my business. If one takes the decision they won't play with attached people then one relies upon one's potential playmates ot tell the truth about their personal circumstances, and I'm sure you'll agree that many people have had their principles compromised by someone who hasn't told the truth.
If someone tells me they are single I'm not going to rifle through their drawers looking for evidence to the contrary, but, similarly, if someone says they are married I'm not going to grill them as to why they are playing away. They've already taken that decision, you see. |
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every situation is different .. dont think u can make sweeping generalisations about such a complex issue. What I do find sad and hope im neva unfortunate enough to experience is that a couple have at some time presumably had a very close and trusting relationship and for wot eva reason .. that has some how eroded to the point where communication has broken down to such a degree.
but as i say .. each time it happens it is unique and the reasons are unique so its neva wise in my opinion to pass judement .. unless uve walked a mile in their shoes |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"I am inclined to support this - on the surface it sometimes looks as if things are clear cut but in many cases they are not.
Hence why I consider it to be none of my business. If one takes the decision they won't play with attached people then one relies upon one's potential playmates ot tell the truth about their personal circumstances, and I'm sure you'll agree that many people have had their principles compromised by someone who hasn't told the truth.
If someone tells me they are single I'm not going to rifle through their drawers looking for evidence to the contrary, but, similarly, if someone says they are married I'm not going to grill them as to why they are playing away. They've already taken that decision, you see."
Understood - I am kind of similar in the sense that I would not knowingly play with somebody who is attached if that makes sense. I most certainly would not judge anybody for doing what they are doing, for one it is not my place to do so and also I am not sure one can really know what life is like in that person's shoes. |
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By *andKCouple
over a year ago
Norfolk |
"and/ or mitigating circumstances for somebody to have an affair?
I am interested in whether people who may normally see this as rather a black/ white issue of it being wrong - full stop, whether they would understand that they might be reasons that would make it at least understandable?
I am genuinely curious and really hope that the thread stays on topic. Thanks everybody"
Certainly not for anyone in the lifestyle and in my humble opinion if you can't sort out yer problems with your partner you should part before seeking another relationship but hey ho we've been together for a longtime and might have warped ideas |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"and/ or mitigating circumstances for somebody to have an affair?
I am interested in whether people who may normally see this as rather a black/ white issue of it being wrong - full stop, whether they would understand that they might be reasons that would make it at least understandable?
I am genuinely curious and really hope that the thread stays on topic. Thanks everybody
Certainly not for anyone in the lifestyle and in my humble opinion if you can't sort out yer problems with your partner you should part before seeking another relationship but hey ho we've been together for a longtime and might have warped ideas"
Not warped at all... and rading between the lines most people on this thread have expressed a similar _iew that when ina relationship things dont go well people should talk and try and sort it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The mitigating circumstances depend on which side of the relationship you are: the one who stayed faithful or the one who strayed.
My ex 'mitigated' what she did to me by saying it was because of a comment, said in jest, 20 years earlier (or 16 years at the time she began shagging the guy involved) and that I was 'always' working.
I did not see this as in any way mitigating what she did as 1. the comment was said in jest and was never serious, and 2. I was working my backside off building up my business (which she subsequently destroyed) and working all hours. It also provided her with a much higher standard of living, very nice holidays etc which her girlfriends were, in some cases, jealous of.
So to me, I did nothing wrong. To her, in her mitigation, I did everything wrong.
Hence the reason I said that the 'mitigating circumstances' depend on whether you are the 'adulterer' or the 'adulted'....
sometimes comments said in jest can really hurt people
i remember my ex calling me a beached whale, i didnt get undressed infront of him for years after and i truely believe that comment destroyed our marrage, because i wouldnt have sex with him after that so he went else where and we split
he told me over and over it was a joke and my size didnt really bother him but after that i just couldnt bear to get naked near him or have him touch me knowing thats what he really thought about me
something thats funny to you isnt always to other too"
The comment in my case was nowhere near as nasty or intentionally hurtful as calling her 'a beached whale' I can assure you. But as my ex had the emotions of an 8yr old ANYTHING I said could and was taken out of context or just completely incorrectly. But I do take your point that we often have no idea of the impact of things we say to one another...
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I used to think very black and white on this matter but am more open to the notion it can also save a marriage.
Firstly if I was cheated on it would be the end....full stop! I'd be more hurt though that I wasn't told how the other was feeling and given the chance to work through any problems.
I've recently come into contact with a man that regularly cheats though. He says he loves his wife more than anything but she isn't interested in sex. He has tried for years to get the spark back with no success. if he were to stay faithful to her it would make him resentful and do more damage and he believes their marriage would break down. So I can understand why he cheats.
Doesn't mean I agree with it but I can now see it in a different light. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I don't care why someone cheats, its their business not mine but I have no desire to meet them as they are not single, not available, not free. I have always thought this since I was young; I did once play with someone who was married, then I met his wife, put me off completely. He had always cheated and I suspect he always will, didn't seem to be a big deal to him. Plus there were names for women who played with cheaters, I had no desire to be called that name, ever.
Last year, I got chatting to a friend who once his wife had the child she wanted, no longer wanted sex with him, I was tempted but he is still married, whilst I feel sorry for him and he is really nice, I just couldn't take it further.
Like I said, their reason but a relationship/marriage isn't wholly based around sex is it and for most; any hole's a goal as they just do it because they want to and can. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My ex had a 2 year affair and it ultimately was the last 2 years of my dad's life. I'll never forgive him for that. I'll also never forgive her as she knew about me from day 1 and I feel she's as culpable as he is. She's as responsible as he is in my eyes. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I (f) would say that MOST (not all) men stray for one reason and one reason only. They aren't getting sex at home. Apart from that they are quite happy and have no desire to upset their home life or leave their wife. Take a look at that site for people seeking extra marital affairs and you will find that most of the profiles are worded to that effect. |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"I (f) would say that MOST (not all) men stray for one reason and one reason only. They aren't getting sex at home. Apart from that they are quite happy and have no desire to upset their home life or leave their wife. Take a look at that site for people seeking extra marital affairs and you will find that most of the profiles are worded to that effect."
And the same I guess applies to women who dont get (enough) sex at home?
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"my hubby said men who tell you their wives wont have sex with them are just saying that as an excuse and maybe they think you will feel sorry for them."
Some women prefer to go without as their hubbies are a shit shag .... satisfy themselves and forget all about their wives pleasure. |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"my hubby said men who tell you their wives wont have sex with them are just saying that as an excuse and maybe they think you will feel sorry for them.
Some women prefer to go without as their hubbies are a shit shag .... satisfy themselves and forget all about their wives pleasure. "
Never thought of it that way but I can see where you are coming from. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I (f) would say that MOST (not all) men stray for one reason and one reason only. They aren't getting sex at home. Apart from that they are quite happy and have no desire to upset their home life or leave their wife. Take a look at that site for people seeking extra marital affairs and you will find that most of the profiles are worded to that effect.And the same I guess applies to women who dont get (enough) sex at home? "
This is me guessing as I don't really know. But I would say that women probably stray more because they are feeling neglected and unloved rather than specifically for the sex? I am judging that more on sex drive than anything else. Sex is much more important to men than women (in vanilla land). |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"I (f) would say that MOST (not all) men stray for one reason and one reason only. They aren't getting sex at home. Apart from that they are quite happy and have no desire to upset their home life or leave their wife. Take a look at that site for people seeking extra marital affairs and you will find that most of the profiles are worded to that effect.And the same I guess applies to women who dont get (enough) sex at home?
This is me guessing as I don't really know. But I would say that women probably stray more because they are feeling neglected and unloved rather than specifically for the sex? I am judging that more on sex drive than anything else. Sex is much more important to men than women (in vanilla land)."
I am not sure I agree that women need/ want/ demand less sex in vanilla land... not my experience. Perhaps they might not be as forthcoming about telling their partners that they need more though? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I (f) would say that MOST (not all) men stray for one reason and one reason only. They aren't getting sex at home. Apart from that they are quite happy and have no desire to upset their home life or leave their wife. Take a look at that site for people seeking extra marital affairs and you will find that most of the profiles are worded to that effect.And the same I guess applies to women who dont get (enough) sex at home?
This is me guessing as I don't really know. But I would say that women probably stray more because they are feeling neglected and unloved rather than specifically for the sex? I am judging that more on sex drive than anything else. Sex is much more important to men than women (in vanilla land).I am not sure I agree that women need/ want/ demand less sex in vanilla land... not my experience. Perhaps they might not be as forthcoming about telling their partners that they need more though? "
Yes I agree. The key to good sex is to talk. And most women just suffer in silence rather than say 'Can you do this' and 'Don't do that, do it like this'. Swingers are in general people who know what does it for them and aren't afraid to go for it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think u need to walk a mile or two in a persons shoes before u pass judgement on why people do what they do, life can be tough but not always impossible
How is that for giving an opinion without actually saying to much  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think u need to walk a mile or two in a persons shoes before u pass judgement on why people do what they do, life can be tough but not always impossible
How is that for giving an opinion without actually saying to much "
No one is passing judgement, we have answered a question that was asked of us nothing more |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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As someone who is married and on here without my wife's knowledge I can't really give an objective opinion on this but I can give my 'reason' for my choice.
When I met my wife she appeared a strong, confident, independent woman. I was attracted to her for many reasons but (having just coming out of a seven year relationship with my first wife who when I met her was suicidal, anorexic & agoraphobic who for the first five years we were together quite often needed round the clock constant care for weeks at a time to make sure she didn't commit suicide or starve herself to death, but by the time we split up had got so much better that she could just about live a normalish life) the main things I found attractive about her was her seeming ability to look after herself.
In the first year we were together we had plenty of sex, she continued to seem to be a strong together person albeit quite demanding in the way that she had a 'right' way & a 'wrong' way for everything to be done and would get pissed off and hint that she would be better off without me if I didn't do everything the 'approved' way. I found it hard work keeping her happy but saw he demanding nature as a sign of how strong she was. After about a year we got engaged. Got married few months later. About a year after I met her she started getting fits of moodiness and depression where she would go to bed for days on end, maybe popping downstairs for a sandwich than straight back to bed. By the end of the second year these moods were very regular she had stopped working and sex happened once every couple if months. In one of her better moments she revealed that she had been depressed for years until she met me and meeting me had temporarily alleviated this but now she was back to how she was before I met her. By this time I was fully in love with her so didn't feel I could leave her plus didn't feel it would be morally right to leave someone just because they were depressed even if it did mean that for at least 60% of the time my life was hell as I tried to keep working, look after her kids and after her. At one point during one of her happier times she got pregnant. Since she had out daughter she rarely has periods where she just hides from the world but she still has regular periods where she is moody and uninterested in life. These periods normally cost a lot of money as she buys things to try and cheer herself up. For the past five years sex has been an infrequent occurrence. I have tried all the tips found in books, online and even from a sex therapist I got put onto by the doctors but to no avail. She simply has a very low sex drive and can go months without even thinking about sex. In a lot of ways we get on very well when she is in a happier mood and quite poorly when she isn't.
A couple of years ago I decided that not having a regular sex life was driving me mad but I didn't feel sex alone was a good enough reason to leave someone I loved and who depended so heavily upon me and I also didn't want to be in a situation where I only saw my daughter once a week. (I have a son from my first marriage and since he was 3 years old I have only seen him on weekends and so know how much of a difference it makes). So I decided to look for women online who would he interested in having NSA sex with me. I was lucky to find a few, unfortunately for different reasons in each case none lasted more than a few meets but for a time my marriage improved as sex was no longer a problem between us. I stopped suggesting we had sex and on the rare occasions she wanted it we had it and I should point out at this point that she has always given me every reason to believe that I satisfy her sexually.
We've always found it easy to talk about what we like with sex and in the first year tried watching porn together, dressing up, tying each other up, light spanking and so on. About a year ago she decided that she was bisexual and wanted to try being with a woman. It turned out over the previous year she had had increasing desire to try it and had reached the point she was ready to act on it.
At first I had no real problem with it as I'm open minded (and was bisexual before I met her and has mentioned it to her in passing but also mentioned that having 'done that' I felt no NEED to have sex with men now we were together) although I did feel a bit put out that she was suggesting having sex with someone else when her sex drive was so low she hardly ever wanted to have sex with me. However she then went on to say that she didn't want to have a threesome or have me watching as this 'wasn't about me' & in fact she wanted a girlfriend as she couldn't have sex with a woman unless she was in a relationship with her. At this point I felt our marriage was pretty much over so I saw no point in trying to stop her going through with her plan especially as I was pretty sure she would just do it anyway. However thanks to her spending sprees I am heavily in debt and there is no way I could afford to live by myself and pay my debts and child maintenance to two ex wives. Plus I still do not wish to live separate from my daughter so I don't feel able to leave her however since she got a girl friend we have only had sex twice in a year and not at all in six months so I certainly don't feel guilty in looking for NSA sex elsewhere.
So that's my situation and my 'reasons' for cheating. I'm not telling you all this in an effort to change your minds to thinking it is ok for people to cheat. I just thought I'd contribute my perspective as someone who does cheat. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"As someone who is married and on here without my wife's knowledge I can't really give an objective opinion on this but I can give my 'reason' for my choice.
.
.
.
So that's my situation and my 'reasons' for cheating. I'm not telling you all this in an effort to change your minds to thinking it is ok for people to cheat. I just thought I'd contribute my perspective as someone who does cheat."
Rob, first off, what a well written post. Well done - are you a journalist?? Should be.
Second, I re-read a couple of lines/paragraphs and wondered if you saw the impact of a couple of things yourself? In relation to your current wife, has it occurred to you that she was, in fact, lesbian all along but struggling to accept it and tried to put on a 'normal' front to the World with you? Wondered if you have asked her that outright...? It almost comes across as if she still has occasional sex with you as she feels guilty about 'trapping' you.
Feel for you mate - really i do - and almost had the same situation with my ex (albeit she wasn't lesbian) about the 'my way or the highway' attitude to things.
However, cannot agree that cheating is the way round it. Just my personal _iewpoint but I think you and she need a full and honest talk, I would even go so far as to suggest you come clean about what you have been doing. Think her reaction may surprise you, and not in a bad way....
Good luck with it though...
Pork |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I do wonder whether she has always been a suppressed lesbian. When I'm feeling depressed about my marriage I convince myself that she was even though she is adamant she is bisexual (although she did post on a forum for bisexual women once that if 'anything happened to my husband I don't think I would be interested in men for a while and would like to try being in a full time relationship with a woman)
Yet at other times I'm not so sure as on the occasions that we do have sex she clearly has a VERY good time. It is hard to get this across without seeming immodest but (partly because I know what she likes best and partly because I am by nature a giving lover- absolutely love giving oral but not that bothered about receiving it) I do show her a really good time. She nearly always has ten or more orgasms. So to me that makes it hard to believe she is completely gay, but maybe I'm just in some strange type of denial lol.
And by the way I'm in my last year of a literature degree and at one point was planning on being a Journalist so thank you very much I decided it would be too high pressure for me though so am hoping to get a job in some kind of information manager role after my masters |
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"It's not always just a simple case of just leaving a relationship."
And I'm amazed at people who are on my friends list, either don't know me or chose to ignore ne situation. Somehow methinks I may lose 'friends' this evening |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think u need to walk a mile or two in a persons shoes before u pass judgement on why people do what they do, life can be tough but not always impossible
How is that for giving an opinion without actually saying to much
No one is passing judgement, we have answered a question that was asked of us nothing more"
Wasn't quite meant like that but never mind  |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"As someone who is married and on here without my wife's knowledge I can't really give an objective opinion on this but I can give my 'reason' for my choice.
When I met my wife she appeared a strong, confident, independent woman. I was attracted to her for many reasons but (having just coming out of a seven year relationship with my first wife who when I met her was suicidal, anorexic & agoraphobic who for the first five years we were together quite often needed round the clock constant care for weeks at a time to make sure she didn't commit suicide or starve herself to death, but by the time we split up had got so much better that she could just about live a normalish life) the main things I found attractive about her was her seeming ability to look after herself.
In the first year we were together we had plenty of sex, she continued to seem to be a strong together person albeit quite demanding in the way that she had a 'right' way & a 'wrong' way for everything to be done and would get pissed off and hint that she would be better off without me if I didn't do everything the 'approved' way. I found it hard work keeping her happy but saw he demanding nature as a sign of how strong she was. After about a year we got engaged. Got married few months later. About a year after I met her she started getting fits of moodiness and depression where she would go to bed for days on end, maybe popping downstairs for a sandwich than straight back to bed. By the end of the second year these moods were very regular she had stopped working and sex happened once every couple if months. In one of her better moments she revealed that she had been depressed for years until she met me and meeting me had temporarily alleviated this but now she was back to how she was before I met her. By this time I was fully in love with her so didn't feel I could leave her plus didn't feel it would be morally right to leave someone just because they were depressed even if it did mean that for at least 60% of the time my life was hell as I tried to keep working, look after her kids and after her. At one point during one of her happier times she got pregnant. Since she had out daughter she rarely has periods where she just hides from the world but she still has regular periods where she is moody and uninterested in life. These periods normally cost a lot of money as she buys things to try and cheer herself up. For the past five years sex has been an infrequent occurrence. I have tried all the tips found in books, online and even from a sex therapist I got put onto by the doctors but to no avail. She simply has a very low sex drive and can go months without even thinking about sex. In a lot of ways we get on very well when she is in a happier mood and quite poorly when she isn't.
A couple of years ago I decided that not having a regular sex life was driving me mad but I didn't feel sex alone was a good enough reason to leave someone I loved and who depended so heavily upon me and I also didn't want to be in a situation where I only saw my daughter once a week. (I have a son from my first marriage and since he was 3 years old I have only seen him on weekends and so know how much of a difference it makes). So I decided to look for women online who would he interested in having NSA sex with me. I was lucky to find a few, unfortunately for different reasons in each case none lasted more than a few meets but for a time my marriage improved as sex was no longer a problem between us. I stopped suggesting we had sex and on the rare occasions she wanted it we had it and I should point out at this point that she has always given me every reason to believe that I satisfy her sexually.
We've always found it easy to talk about what we like with sex and in the first year tried watching porn together, dressing up, tying each other up, light spanking and so on. About a year ago she decided that she was bisexual and wanted to try being with a woman. It turned out over the previous year she had had increasing desire to try it and had reached the point she was ready to act on it.
At first I had no real problem with it as I'm open minded (and was bisexual before I met her and has mentioned it to her in passing but also mentioned that having 'done that' I felt no NEED to have sex with men now we were together) although I did feel a bit put out that she was suggesting having sex with someone else when her sex drive was so low she hardly ever wanted to have sex with me. However she then went on to say that she didn't want to have a threesome or have me watching as this 'wasn't about me' & in fact she wanted a girlfriend as she couldn't have sex with a woman unless she was in a relationship with her. At this point I felt our marriage was pretty much over so I saw no point in trying to stop her going through with her plan especially as I was pretty sure she would just do it anyway. However thanks to her spending sprees I am heavily in debt and there is no way I could afford to live by myself and pay my debts and child maintenance to two ex wives. Plus I still do not wish to live separate from my daughter so I don't feel able to leave her however since she got a girl friend we have only had sex twice in a year and not at all in six months so I certainly don't feel guilty in looking for NSA sex elsewhere.
So that's my situation and my 'reasons' for cheating. I'm not telling you all this in an effort to change your minds to thinking it is ok for people to cheat. I just thought I'd contribute my perspective as someone who does cheat."
What an open and honest account - it takes balls to do that! I cannot say what I would do in that situation, I really cannot and I have been thinking about this for a while. I certainly would not pass judgment on you! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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".....
So that's my situation and my 'reasons' for cheating. I'm not telling you all this in an effort to change your minds to thinking it is ok for people to cheat. I just thought I'd contribute my perspective as someone who does cheat."
I don't think you should feel you are cheating when quite clearly the contract you and your wife made with each other when you married becane null and void when she insisted on having a girlfriend and stopped having sex with you.
Your sexless marriage is not your wife inadequately expressing her feelings towards you. It is her way of saying EXACTLY how she feels about you. |
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