FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Dad jokes please
Dad jokes please
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Hit me with them  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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To the person who stole my place in
the queue.
I'm after you now. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Since it’s Cinco de Mayo…
What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder that’s tan out of protein?
No whey Jose. |
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By *innocentMan
over a year ago
Littlehampton |
Put some fries in the oven last night ,left them alone for about 20 mins ,went to check on them and they had just gone.
Dissapeared.
No where to be seen at all.
That's the last time I buy McCann oven chips. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Since it’s Cinco de Mayo…
What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder that’s tan out of protein?
No whey Jose."
Ran out** |
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Man goes in a pub, funny place to have mangos!  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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My girlfriend gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.
So I added fruit and lemonade to it and now she's sangria then ever. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside down?
At least 1 brunette.
Oh the doors this way, I’ll see myself out! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Peter Shilton tried to make a bid for Madonna's shirt at the auction.. alas Auctioneer didn't see him... he couldn't raise his hand high enough!!
One nil ???? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Peter Shilton tried to make a bid for Madonna's shirt at the auction.. alas Auctioneer didn't see him... he couldn't raise his hand high enough!!
One nil ????"
Bloody spell check..Maradonna!!! |
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We've had to get a live in nanny cos the dead one just wasn't working out  |
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By *za123Man
over a year ago
cardiff |
What’s the difference between a Merthyr girl and a Kitkat .
You only get 4 fingers in a kitkat  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I went for an interview at IKEA.
The manager greeted me by saying "come in, make a seat." |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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How does the moon cut his hair?... Eclipse it |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I lost my wife's audiobook...and now I'll never hear the end of it! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you call a dad who loves you no matter what?
Mum |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Went to a Seafood disco last week...pulled a Mussel |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you call a fly without wings?....a walk |
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How do you open a bannana in the jungle?
Use monKeys! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you do if you're food shopping and you run out of space in your trolley?. Get some mushrooms as then you will have MUSH...room. |
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How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler....
Winston |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Kid deliberately kicks his football smashing the milk bottles on the doorstep , his mum screams don't treat your dad's bottles like that .
The kid replies why not he's not my dad , the mum replies sheepishly that right my dear how silly of me to say so . |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you call a magician who has lost their magic?
Ian. |
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[Removed by poster at 06/05/22 13:09:18] |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What word starts with E and ends with E and only has one letter in it?
Envelope |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I went for an interview at IKEA. The manager greated me by saying
"Come in, make a seat". |
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a farmer friend of mine managed to grow a full field of vibrators, only problem is, now he is having trouble with squatters |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Put some fries in the oven last night ,left them alone for about 20 mins ,went to check on them and they had just gone.
Dissapeared.
No where to be seen at all.
That's the last time I buy McCann oven chips. "
I don't get it? Am I being dumb? |
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[Removed by poster at 06/05/22 13:19:25] |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Why can't you have paracetamol in the jungle?
Because the parrots eat them all |
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By *ooBulMan
over a year ago
Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’ |
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue....! Sorry.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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We’re having a bit of work done on our house and the painter is complaining that he is too cold…
… I told him to put on a second coat! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"We’re having a bit of work done on our house and the painter is complaining that he is too cold…
… I told him to put on a second coat! "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Justice or Just-ice... depends which bar you're in. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you call a man with a one inch dick? Justin. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What's the difference between a fridge and a fanny?
A fridge don't fart when you pull the meat out |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you call your mum’s angry French sister?
A croissant |
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The wife asked "does my ass look big in this dress?"
I replied "Look sweetheart the only thing that your ass doesn't look big in is the dark!" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Jumped in the car to go to work today and a guy kept chasing me and shouting “GIVE ME A LIFT, GIVE ME A LIFT”
I said “Ok, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it” |
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By *rAitchMan
over a year ago
Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe |
What word is 14 letters long, starts and ends with an N, and means 'constipation'?
Nnnnnnnnnnnnnn |
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What did one ocean say to the other..
Nothing they both waved.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field |
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"Put some fries in the oven last night ,left them alone for about 20 mins ,went to check on them and they had just gone.
Dissapeared.
No where to be seen at all.
That's the last time I buy McCann oven chips.
I don't get it? Am I being dumb? "
Madeleine McCann |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you call your mums angry French sister?
A Croissant |
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What is it called when you slap Dwayne Johnson’s ass?
Hitting Rock bottom… |
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Q: "What does garlic do when it gets too hot?"
A: "Take some cloves off." |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher but no-one ever mentions his sister.
Onya, the inventor of the starting pistol. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I know his dirty cousin, Skid"
Skid’s second cousin is the guy who invented crosswords and he’s buried in your local graveyard.
Go in through the main gate, go down 6, then go 4 across |
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Farmer had a magic tractor turned into a field. |
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How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten, ten tickles. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A man has been placed in custody after being arrested for impersonating a helium balloon. A police spokesman said: "We held him for a while, then let him go."
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I bought a dog from a blacksmith. When I got him home he made a bolt for the door. |
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By *wenyMan
over a year ago
rufford |
Girl asks her uncle for money to go the cinema no he's says you've had loads off me lately please ill do anything right he says suck my dick after a while she relents while sucking she asks why does your cock taste of shit he replys your brother wanted to go too |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Put some fries in the oven last night ,left them alone for about 20 mins ,went to check on them and they had just gone.
Dissapeared.
No where to be seen at all.
That's the last time I buy McCann oven chips.
I don't get it? Am I being dumb?
Madeleine McCann"
Not really a dad joke, that |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Panda visits a prostitute for the evening,
When he arrives she asks him, what would you like me to do?
Panda replies, make me food I’m starving, so she goes off to the kitchen and makes him a full English.
When he’s finished eating panda turns around and says come on then let’s get down to business love.
Gives her a right hard fucking and gives her a massive load.
He gets up and says to her, right I’m off, thanks love.
She looks confused and shocked and replies, where’s my money?
He says have you looked up panda in the dictionary? To which even more confused by his question replies….no.
He says well look it up as he’s walking out the door.
Baffled and confused by this she begins to look it up.
Panda…..eats shoots and leaves |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Be careful what jokes you write in here. They must be your own original ones others the forum police might suspend you for not writing original material rather than ones copied from others (as happened to me recently!). |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Be careful what jokes you write in here. They must be your own original ones others the forum police might suspend you for not writing original material rather than ones copied from others (as happened to me recently!). "
Whooopsie |
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Q . Dad, can u explain a solar eclipse to me ?
A . No sun! |
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By *ak777Man
over a year ago
shaw |
[Removed by poster at 09/05/22 15:00:25] |
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By *ak777Man
over a year ago
shaw |
i think the Mccann so call joke is really in bad taste sick and should be removed. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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When my wife told me I had to stop impersonating a flamingo…
I just had to put my foot down. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Be careful what jokes you write in here. They must be your own original ones others the forum police might suspend you for not writing original material rather than ones copied from others (as happened to me recently!). "
For copying a joke?
They are pretty much all copied I think |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"When my wife told me I had to stop impersonating a flamingo…
I just had to put my foot down."
I love this one |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I have an eggcellent one, but it’s Abit late to yoke around.. |
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"Put some fries in the oven last night ,left them alone for about 20 mins ,went to check on them and they had just gone.
Dissapeared.
No where to be seen at all.
That's the last time I buy McCann oven chips.
I don't get it? Am I being dumb? "
No one is dumb but it's in fairly bad taste. I got it, but I'm old and a mum (look up maddy mcgann) |
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If you use the services of an exorcist, remember to pay him in full. Otherwise your house may be repossessed |
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My new girlfriend says that our first sexual experience should feel like a fairytale.
I'm looking for 7 midgets to join us this saturday. .....No weirdos please. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I lost three fingers on my right hand. I asked my doctor if I would still be able to write with it.
He said maybe but I wouldn't count on it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Which type of dog does magic tricks?
A labra-cadabra-doodle
Boom |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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To the man dressed in camouflage gear and crutches who mugged me earlier...
You can hide |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Towards the end of his life we covered grandads back in grease.
After that, he went downhill quite quickly. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Two nuns in a bath, one says "where's the soap?" The other replies "Yes it does doesn't it" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Asked my girlfriend to "Go Commando"
She hid in the garden.
Then shot me. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'd always describe my ex as a marmite person.
Well, she had a yeast infection.
And spread easily. |
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"I bought a dog from a blacksmith. When I got him home he made a bolt for the door."
Subtle |
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The police arrested a man for stealing battery acid ,so they put him in a cell and charged him over night |
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A gay guy goes into a butchers and buys a salami
The butchers says would you like it sliced
The gay guy say ,what do you think my ass is ? A money box |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you call an Egyptian taxi driver?
Tootancumoot. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Went to a swingers club, the guys says "it's £30 to get in or you can pay £50 and that includes a meal"
I pay £50 and this oiled naked guys comes up and say "Hi, my names Ameil" |
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Found my mate with his nob in the biscuit tin. He's fucking crackers |
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the river bank looking like an idiot! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Someone threw a jar of mayonnaise at me.
I was like: “What the Hellman!” |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Someone threw a jar of mayonnaise at me.
I was like: “What the Hellman!”"
Someone threw some cheese at me earlier, I thought ‘how dairy’ |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Someone threw a jar of mayonnaise at me.
I was like: “What the Hellman!”
Someone threw some cheese at me earlier, I thought ‘how dairy’"
That’s a good one, it made me laugh |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I was in the gym earlier and I said to this guy,
"I'd give my right arm for some steroids"
He replied
"Anabolic?"
I said
"No, just the arm" |
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I got mugged by six dwarves the other day. Not Happy. |
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"Someone threw a jar of mayonnaise at me.
I was like: “What the Hellman!”
Someone threw some cheese at me earlier, I thought ‘how dairy’"
Someone just threw a Martini at me. I was shaken |
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You know what I know about Dwarfs....
Very little . |
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By *rispyDuckMan
over a year ago
Chinese Takeaway near you |
Went for a job interview at IKEA.
The manager said, come in make a seat |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I was in the gym earlier and I said to this guy,
"I'd give my right arm for some steroids"
He replied
"Anabolic?"
I said
"No, just the arm""
This one made me snort |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My wife told me that sex is so much better on holiday.
Not the best postcard I've ever had to be honest.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Knock knock ……
Pm me
For more ???? |
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40 scoucers turn up at the pearly gates, the gate keeper say's " sorry we only have room for 20 at the moment " 20 minutes later he goes to god and says , they've gone !! God say's " WHAT all of them "?
gatekeeper says " NO the fkn gates !!! " |
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By *rAitchMan
over a year ago
Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe |
An elderly man is stopped by the police at 1am, and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body".
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "My wife!" |
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What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet ?
'Supplies!' |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It was my stag do. Mates had organised a double blowjob from a couple of hookers which I was up for.
Then I saw their teeth, brown, missing and horrible.
But I guess that's why you never look the gift whores in the mouth. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What's the most common owl in the UK?
.....Teat |
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I was asked how I get away with sneaking chocolate into the cinema?
Told them I've a few Twix up my sleeve. |
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Whats red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"An elderly man is stopped by the police at 1am, and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body".
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "My wife!""
This made me laugh |
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2 fleas sitting on a fanny , 1's a junkie and the others a pervert. how do you tell the difference ? the junkies sniffing the crack and the perverts hiding in the bush |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I had a one night stand with the barmaid and I'm absolutely petrified my girlfriend will find out.
If she does, she'll tell my wife. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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[Removed by poster at 19/05/22 13:55:03] |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A wee lad goes into his class and says to his teacher 'sorry I'm late miss but my dad got burnt'.
The teacher said 'oh dear, was it a bad burn?'
The lad replies 'well, they don't fuck about at the crematorium, miss'. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Sorry we don't serve time travellers here.
A time traveller walk into a bar. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Bumping this for more jokes please |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Put some fries in the oven last night ,left them alone for about 20 mins ,went to check on them and they had just gone.
Dissapeared.
No where to be seen at
That's the last time I buy McCann oven chips.
I don't get it? Am I being dumb? "
Um. Reference to disappearance of Madeline McCann |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"i think the Mccann so call joke is really in bad taste sick and should be removed."
Agree. |
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By *yron69Man
over a year ago
Fareham |
Hear about the woman exhibtionist who entered her lady garden into The Chelsea Flower Show?
Won the Peep-holes Choice… |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Arguing with the wife is just like trying to read the "terms of use" on the internet. Eventually, I just give up and agree. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What's green and smells of pork?
Kermit's willy..
I'll see my self out.... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns.
Well, toucan play at that game. |
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Two cows in a field ones says mooo the other one goes I was just about to say that |
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Went to the zoo but the only animal there was a small dog. It was a Shih Tzu |
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By *ammo89Man
over a year ago
Aberdeen |
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket: you can hide, but you can't run |
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To the bloke who stole my anti depressants, I hope you're happy now.
Winston |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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[Removed by poster at 30/05/22 00:34:49] |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns.
Well, toucan play at that game."
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Did you hear David Hasselhoff changed his name to David Hoff…? Didn’t need the Hassel. |
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I bought some chocolate digestives. The packet read 'Store in a cool dry place'. I'm keeping them with my sense of humour. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Dyslexic Yorkshireman went out for the evening and put on his cat flap. |
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By *yron69Man
over a year ago
Fareham |
I got invited to a gang bang.
Got caught up in a drive by shooting.. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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The elderly wife in church turned to her husband and said. "I've just done a silent fart. What should I do?"
He said.
"Change the batteries in your hearing aid". |
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By *yron69Man
over a year ago
Fareham |
I’m watching Breakfast News… corn flakes are going up in price,.. |
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I was walking down the street and there was a guy holding a sign with GANB on it, I thought that's bang out if order. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A lady of the night came up to me the other night and huskily told me for £50, she'd do anything I wanted. What a bargain!
She's just finished painting my kitchen and has started plastering the downstairs toilet. |
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[Removed by poster at 30/05/22 09:41:01] |
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You know what makes me sick?
Drinking three pints of salt water and punching myself in the balls.
That makes me sick.  |
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By *ild_oatsMan
over a year ago
the land of saints & sinners |
The police knocked on my door last night as there had be complaints about my dog chasing people on a bike….
I told them to go away as my dog doesn’t own a bike…. |
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By *r laidbackMan
over a year ago
London & New Brighton |
I'm afraid for my calendar... it's days are numbered |
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A cheese salad sandwich goes in to a pub goes to the bar and the barman said just letting you know we dont serve food here !! |
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Did you hear about the magic tractor? It turned into a field |
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By *yron69Man
over a year ago
Fareham |
Doctor asked me about my stools .. most have three legs and a seat.. |
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By *hesblokeMan
over a year ago
Derbyshire village |
Dad jokes (ironically) are nothing to laugh at, it's an important thing.
I remember when I became a dad, my father handed me a book. Old and dusty, I read the cover 'ye olde booke of dadde humour'.
I had tears in my eyes, honestly.
I turned to him and said "I don't know what to say, I'm honoured".
"Hi honoured", he said "I'm dad". |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I had to put my dog down.
My arms were sore. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What's blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint.
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I hate lollipop ladies
Whenever I see them they make me cross |
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By *ild_oatsMan
over a year ago
the land of saints & sinners |
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Orange
Orange who…
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Orange
Orange who…
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Orange
Orange who…
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Aunt
Aunt who…
Aren’t you glad I didn’t say Orange…. |
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A women just stopped me in the street and said she recognised me from the vegetearean cooking class.. I'm certain I've never met herbivore. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Just had a flight on the new jumbo jet and all the air hostesses were super, smashing, great.
It was a Bowen 747. |
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She was only a Morse codes operators daughter...But she did it, did it, did it..... |
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She was only a Welders daughter...But she had Acetylene legs... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I went to a seafood disco and pulled a mussel. |
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Before crowbars were invented,
Crows used to drink at home  |
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My flight from Gibraltar and Glasgow has just been cancelled.
I'm now stuck between a rock and a hard place. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What pronouns does chocolate use?
Her/she. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"What pronouns does chocolate use?
Her/she."
Dammit (must be quicker) |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Went for a job interview today at IKEA.
The manager said: "Come in, make a seat. |
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By *harpDressed ManMan
over a year ago
Here occasionally, but mostly somewhere else |
"Went for a job interview today at IKEA.
The manager said: "Come in, make a seat."
At least he's consistent... |
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By *harpDressed ManMan
over a year ago
Here occasionally, but mostly somewhere else |
Doctor, doctor, I think my eyesight is failing.
I agree, this is a butcher's shop. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What happens if someone slaps you at a high frequency?
It hertz |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What pronouns does chocolate use?
Her/she.
Dammit (must be quicker) "
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A lizard was walking along a tree branch when he bumped in to a a monkey smoking a joint.
The monkey gives the lizard a few tokes on his doobie and after lying there a little stoned, the lizard announces he's got the munchies and he's off to look for some food at the bottom of the tree. 'No worries Lizard Dude- catch you later!' the monkey replies.
He starts climbing down, but is so munted, he falls off and in to the river and starts to drown. Luckily a passing crocodile saves him and gets him to the bank.
'You were lucky mate' says the croc ' what happened?'
'Sorry' says the lizard 'i met a monkey in that tree, who got me really stoned'
'Thats very irresponsible' the croc replies 'I think i'll go and have a word with him' and wonders off towards the tree.
He gets to the bottom and shouts up 'Hey Monkey!...'
The monkey, who has rolled another bifter by this point, looks down with blearly eyes and says 'Lizard Dude! how much fucking food did you eat?' |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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2 eggs boiling in a saucepan one says to the other I've got a huge crack the other one replies stop teasing me I'm not hard yet |
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On being asked what I do for a living - I'm a cytogeneticist, I take people's genes down to see what sex they are.
I'll get me coat  |
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A Mexican magician said he will disappear on the count of 3.
He says "Uno, Dos...." Poof.
He disappeared without a tres. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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all flights from Jon Lennon airport are cancelled. Imagine all the people....
Cheque please |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"all flights from Jon Lennon airport are cancelled. Imagine all the people....
Cheque please "
But they've just been told the flights are back on if they pay electronically.
Imagine all that PayPal.
I'll see myself out  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?…
A carrot |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What kitchen appliance used to like farm machinery
The ex tractor fan
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When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it's fully groan. |
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By *lueFireCouple
over a year ago
just somewhere around here |
I went out with a Dutch girl who had an inflatable shoe fetish, sadly she died....yep she popped her cloggs
I'll get my coat |
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By *exicolaMan
over a year ago
West Lothian |
Exit signs.
They're on the way out, aren't they? |
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By *lueFireCouple
over a year ago
just somewhere around here |
Two parrots sitting on a perch....one says "can you smell fish?" |
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By *lueFireCouple
over a year ago
just somewhere around here |
Two fish in a tank....one says you drive I'll fire the gun!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Got mugged walking through the park on the way back from a fancy dress party dressed as a vampire. Felt a smack on the head… turned round nothing but a pork pie on the floor. Carried on.. same… but Scotch egg on the floor. Walked on. Another smack.. nobody about but a sausage roll on the floor. Thought.. I’ll get the bastard. Heard a rustle,spun round,cape flew open,got stabbed in the chest by a cocktail stick full of cheese and pineapple. Looked up to see this girl… who the fook are you?… she says.. I’m buffet… buffet the vampire slayer |
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2 snow men standing in a field one is holding a bag of carrots,the other says what you doing reply(im picking my nose) |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My last 2 pics are a dad joke |
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What did the snowman say to the carrot (get outa my face) |
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Knock knock who's there
Cow
Cow who
No silly cows go Moooo
That is bad |
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What's brown and sticky?
A stick
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What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud |
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[Removed by poster at 11/06/22 19:58:41] |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I pulled out a nose hair today to see if it hurt… judging by the reaction of the guy asleep next to me on the bus, it seems pretty painful. |
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