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Doctor J is in the house
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Are you worried about something but too embarrassed (or ashamed) to go to your GP!
Dr J can help.
Give me a run down of your symptoms and I will diagnose the issue and maybe recommend a course of treatment
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"My “friend” had 16 wanks in a day and now he can’t see out of one eye. What should he do?
Aim better, or wear goggles "
If only PJ and Duncan had taken that advice  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"My “friend” had 16 wanks in a day and now he can’t see out of one eye. What should he do?
Aim better, or wear goggles
If only PJ and Duncan had taken that advice "
Ocular jizz poisoning can be painful but the effects are usually temporary |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I've either developed gout or arthritis in my right hand - treatment needed  "
Ah. Not arthritis or gout. Likely to be Wanker's Fist. A sometimes painful condition, caused by excessive masturbation. It will likely be alleviated by changing hands occasionally. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Humanity makes my minge dry up.
This is inconvenient.
My GP thinks it's not important because I'm not trying to conceive"
Ah Anti Social Vaginal Dessication.
As luck would have it an application or two on Doctor J's organic chuff ointment, and you'll be right as ninepence in no time. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I can't get hard no matter how much prawn I watch "
An intolerance of prawn can cause irritatin symptoms.
Have you tried to vary your prawn consumption? I understand Amateur UK doggi g prawn has been effective in recent clinical trials. |
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Dear Doctor Jennie
I'm booked in for an operation on my back, gall bladder out and reconstructive surgery on my lower gum.
Lady Astor thinks I'm leaving her a bit at a time.
How can I convince her that I'm not?
Winston |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Dear Doctor Jennie
I'm booked in for an operation on my back, gall bladder out and reconstructive surgery on my lower gum.
Lady Astor thinks I'm leaving her a bit at a time.
How can I convince her that I'm not?
Winston"
Ask tbe surgeon to provide all the removed parts back to you in a jar. You can then return them to her ladyship.
I think cooking them in a pie which you can then share, with a nice Chianti and some fava beans would me a nice touch. And very nutritious |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I can't get hard no matter how much prawn I watch
Try tractor prawn, you can watch that in exclusive places I've heard"
Care should be exercised with tractor prawn. Recent cases have shown Intolerance reaction can be severe |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"My “friend” had 16 wanks in a day and now he can’t see out of one eye. What should he do?
Aim better, or wear goggles
If only PJ and Duncan had taken that advice "
Let's get ready to fumble. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"My “friend” had 16 wanks in a day and now he can’t see out of one eye. What should he do?
Aim better, or wear goggles
If only PJ and Duncan had taken that advice
Let's get ready to fumble."
We call that manipulation in the medical trade |
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"Dear Doctor Jennie
I'm booked in for an operation on my back, gall bladder out and reconstructive surgery on my lower gum.
Lady Astor thinks I'm leaving her a bit at a time.
How can I convince her that I'm not?
Winston
Ask tbe surgeon to provide all the removed parts back to you in a jar. You can then return them to her ladyship.
I think cooking them in a pie which you can then share, with a nice Chianti and some fava beans would me a nice touch. And very nutritious "
The things that woman will put in her mouth astounds me...... 
Winston |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear Doctor Jennie
I'm booked in for an operation on my back, gall bladder out and reconstructive surgery on my lower gum.
Lady Astor thinks I'm leaving her a bit at a time.
How can I convince her that I'm not?
Winston
Ask tbe surgeon to provide all the removed parts back to you in a jar. You can then return them to her ladyship.
I think cooking them in a pie which you can then share, with a nice Chianti and some fava beans would me a nice touch. And very nutritious
The things that woman will put in her mouth astounds me......
Winston"
You are one of the few it does astound.
The last medical conference I attended used her oral capacity as a case study! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Dear doctor Jennie I am a addict I am addicted to shopping
What can you do to help
Send you my wish list?
Ha ha am I on that wish list  "
Sorry, medical confidentiality.
Doctors never tell. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Dear doctor Jennie I am a addict I am addicted to shopping
What can you do to help
Send you my wish list?
Ha ha am I on that wish list
Sorry, medical confidentiality.
Doctors never tell."
Ok and hear I thought you would like to examine me with your probe for the night |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Dear doctor Jennie I am a addict I am addicted to shopping
What can you do to help
Send you my wish list?
Ha ha am I on that wish list
Sorry, medical confidentiality.
Doctors never tell.
Ok and hear I thought you would like to examine me with your probe for the night "
*looking around for surgical gloves* |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Dear doctor Jennie I am a addict I am addicted to shopping
What can you do to help
Send you my wish list?
Ha ha am I on that wish list
Sorry, medical confidentiality.
Doctors never tell.
Ok and hear I thought you would like to examine me with your probe for the night
*looking around for surgical gloves*"
Ha ha I have plenty hear  |
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By *bi HaiveMan
over a year ago
Forum Mod Cheeseville, Somerset |
Ever since the wife insisted on getting rid of the curtains in the bedroom and replacing them with aluminium blinds I keep getting these really painful 'paper cut' style lesions on my knob when cleaning up after sex.
What's the best solution to stop this? 
A |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Dr J, I have a problem with bruises on my breasts. I have no idea what causes them, but usually occur the day after my bf has been for a visit. L x"
Are the bruises finger sized/shaped? If so this sounds very similar to another patient who beveloped hand shaped redmarks on her buttocks after her bf visited.
More research is required. Would you be willing to submit to my medical research facility for further tests? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Just for clarity, my medical qualifications are from the University of Quackery in North Carolina.
Totally legit.
No, really!
Is that related to the University of Sydney?"
Only in an information sharing capacity |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Ever since the wife insisted on getting rid of the curtains in the bedroom and replacing them with aluminium blinds I keep getting these really painful 'paper cut' style lesions on my knob when cleaning up after sex.
What's the best solution to stop this?
A"
Post coital foreskin laceration syndrome. The most successful prevention method is to keep a pint glass of Detol bleach next to the bed. After intercourse, dip your penis in the glass. That will ensure cleanliness and should prevent laceration or lesions from forming. No other cleaning methods should be attempted.
As for treatment of existing injuries, human saliva is most effective, especially when combined with light suction. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Dr J, I have a problem with bruises on my breasts. I have no idea what causes them, but usually occur the day after my bf has been for a visit. L x
Are the bruises finger sized/shaped? If so this sounds very similar to another patient who beveloped hand shaped redmarks on her buttocks after her bf visited.
More research is required. Would you be willing to submit to my medical research facility for further tests?"
Perhaps, but would like to know what it would entail?  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Dr J, I have a problem with bruises on my breasts. I have no idea what causes them, but usually occur the day after my bf has been for a visit. L x
Are the bruises finger sized/shaped? If so this sounds very similar to another patient who beveloped hand shaped redmarks on her buttocks after her bf visited.
More research is required. Would you be willing to submit to my medical research facility for further tests?
Perhaps, but would like to know what it would entail? "
A simulation as closely as possible of the circumstances leading up to the apparent bruising.
Purely for research purposes |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Dear Doctor Jennie,
I turned up at my GP's surgery in a chauffeur-driven car and wearing a tuxedo. I misheard him when he said that I was a very impotent person.
Should I get my ears syringed?"
Well if you impotent, you gotta look impotent.
I prescribe these blue tablets.
Don't get it stuck in your throat though, you will get a stiff neck! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"My “friend” had 16 wanks in a day and now he can’t see out of one eye. What should he do?
Aim better, or wear goggles
"
That green skin is slightly concerning.
Antibiotics for you, young lady! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Ummmmmm why does that thought make me very nervous "
Phonydoctorphobia is a very real, but irrational fear.
Aversion therapy is the pest way forward. Drop yer kecks and hop up on the examination couch. |
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By *.D.I.D.A.SMan
over a year ago
London/Essex... ish... Romford to be exact |
Hi Dr
Long time no see. But that's not the issue today.
I'm too sexy for my shirt
Too sexy for my shirt
So sexy it hurts
And I'm too sexy for Milan
Too sexy for Milan,
New York and Japan
Any solutions? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Hi Dr
Long time no see. But that's not the issue today.
I'm too sexy for my shirt
Too sexy for my shirt
So sexy it hurts
And I'm too sexy for Milan
Too sexy for Milan,
New York and Japan
Any solutions? "
I think you are clearly Deeply Dippy |
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"My “friend” had 16 wanks in a day and now he can’t see out of one eye. What should he do?
Aim better, or wear goggles
That green skin is slightly concerning.
Antibiotics for you, young lady!"
•
You mean Aunty-Biotics? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"My “friend” had 16 wanks in a day and now he can’t see out of one eye. What should he do?
Aim better, or wear goggles
That green skin is slightly concerning.
Antibiotics for you, young lady!
•
You mean Aunty-Biotics?"
Auntie, please! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Doctor Jennie.
I'm in love. Do you have a panacea?"
I shall refer you to the Community Mental Health Team.
You are clearly stark raving cuckoo.
(Which is a legitimate medical term) |
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Dr J. I’m not sure if I need a doctor or a mechanic.
Something has changed in my car and now I feel every bump and dip in the road. I now have a strange twitching in my pants when I go over the bumpy roads of Hampshire. What should I do |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Dr J. I’m not sure if I need a doctor or a mechanic.
Something has changed in my car and now I feel every bump and dip in the road. I now have a strange twitching in my pants when I go over the bumpy roads of Hampshire. What should I do "
Put a towel on your drivers seat, and hit the nearest cobbled street at 50 mph plus. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Blimey Dr J, you're surgeries are open all hours!!!"
Dysfunction and discharge respect no timetable.
The sick and scabby don't miraculously heal outside of office hours! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I keep getting an urge to wank off to tractors  "
A case of chronic Massey Fergussism.
A brisk rub down with agricultural diesel, applied twice daily, and a gargle with slurry after meals should ameliorate your condition! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Are you worried about something but too embarrassed (or ashamed) to go to your GP!
Dr J can help.
Give me a run down of your symptoms and I will diagnose the issue and maybe recommend a course of treatment
"
I keep getting the urge to cheat on my boyfriend xx |
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"I keep getting an urge to wank off to tractors
A case of chronic Massey Fergussism.
A brisk rub down with agricultural diesel, applied twice daily, and a gargle with slurry after meals should ameliorate your condition! "
|
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Are you worried about something but too embarrassed (or ashamed) to go to your GP!
Dr J can help.
Give me a run down of your symptoms and I will diagnose the issue and maybe recommend a course of treatment
I keep getting the urge to cheat on my boyfriend xx"
Its not cheating if its part of a fully peer reviewed medical trial.
Follow me to the examination room.
Trust me.
I'm a doctor. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I've got a huge crush on my doctor and can't resist jerking off every time I go in for a consultation, what should I do?"
I think.i can fit you in for a late appointment! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dr J, I'd like to make an appointment please...
Take a ticket and wait until your number is called.
OK, can I see the night nurse instead?"
Just sit down and wait will you? You aren't the only hypochondriac who thinks they're ill you know! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Dr J, I'd like to make an appointment please...
Take a ticket and wait until your number is called.
OK, can I see the night nurse instead?
Just sit down and wait will you? You aren't the only hypochondriac who thinks they're ill you know!"
But, but, I have chills... |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Dr J, I'd like to make an appointment please...
Take a ticket and wait until your number is called.
OK, can I see the night nurse instead?
Just sit down and wait will you? You aren't the only hypochondriac who thinks they're ill you know!
But, but, I have chills..."
Nothing to worry about, unless they are multiplying?
That could lead to a total loss of control |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Dr J, I'd like to make an appointment please...
Take a ticket and wait until your number is called.
OK, can I see the night nurse instead?
Just sit down and wait will you? You aren't the only hypochondriac who thinks they're ill you know!
But, but, I have chills...
Nothing to worry about, unless they are multiplying?
That could lead to a total loss of control"
It's electrifying |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Dr J, I'd like to make an appointment please...
Take a ticket and wait until your number is called.
OK, can I see the night nurse instead?
Just sit down and wait will you? You aren't the only hypochondriac who thinks they're ill you know!
But, but, I have chills...
Nothing to worry about, unless they are multiplying?
That could lead to a total loss of control
It's electrifying "
As I thought.
Hmmmm.....
You better shape up! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I went in for an appointment but slipped in some grease that had been carelessly left around and hurt my bum as I fell over.
What remedial treatment am I entitled to? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I went in for an appointment but slipped in some grease that had been carelessly left around and hurt my bum as I fell over.
What remedial treatment am I entitled to?"
I will prescribe a course of deep tissue massage.
Just to check, during this 'fall', you didn't land on a carrot which 'accidentally' disappeared up your rectum did you? Again. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I went in for an appointment but slipped in some grease that had been carelessly left around and hurt my bum as I fell over.
What remedial treatment am I entitled to?
I will prescribe a course of deep tissue massage.
Just to check, during this 'fall', you didn't land on a carrot which 'accidentally' disappeared up your rectum did you? Again."
I was following your advice to get my five-a-day and had already put a cucumber and banana up my bum. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I went in for an appointment but slipped in some grease that had been carelessly left around and hurt my bum as I fell over.
What remedial treatment am I entitled to?
I will prescribe a course of deep tissue massage.
Just to check, during this 'fall', you didn't land on a carrot which 'accidentally' disappeared up your rectum did you? Again.
I was following your advice to get my five-a-day and had already put a cucumber and banana up my bum."
Oh for crying out loud!
I prescribe a week's course of laxatives.
THAT is what your bum is for!  |
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