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Joke of the day.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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" A man's wife came in wearin a sexy nighty. She told him "Tie me up and do what you want" So he tied her up,
fucked her sister and went fishing.
"
Probably just what she planned - she got out of having sex with him, got rid of him for a few hours, and got a rest! Smart girl!!! |
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" A man's wife came in wearin a sexy nighty. She told him "Tie me up and do what you want" So he tied her up,
fucked her sister and went fishing.
Probably just what she planned - she got out of having sex with him, got rid of him for a few hours, and got a rest! Smart girl!!!"
Lol  Some men can't resist dangling their Rod though.
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Man and wife are out shopping together.
Wife see's some shoes she wants but her husband says, "No way! They're way to expensive."
Later that night in bed he lays a hand on his wifes pussy, She says,
"I don't fucking think so mate!
If you can't afford to shoe the horse, then you ain't fucking riding it!!!" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My missus came home d*unk yesterday- as she was undressing she stumbled, fell over & passed out. Knickers round ankles & fanny on show!!
I thought "No way was I gonna miss an opportunity like this!"
So I went out with the lads!!
My wife arrived home blazing d*unk at 6.30am after a night out with the girls. She collapsed on the bed with her high heels on and skirt hitched up exposing her fanny. Although furious I was still slightly turned on and decided to help myself to her limp body.Just as I was about to cum I said "You like that little bitch?" Opening one eye she slurred "It's not as good as the one an hour ago" |
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Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat...and nearly drowned!
Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother .
'Grandma,' he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like me father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled blue eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fookin idiot!"
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A Welshman gets washed up on a desert island with just a sheep an a collie dog for company. After a few days the Welshman starts to feel a little frisky and starts eyeing up the sheep.
The collie dogs instincts kick in and it won't let him anywhere near the sheep. The following morning, to his delight a beautiful young girl is washed ashore, "you've saved my life"
says the Welshman, "can you take this fucking dog for a walk?"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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a man went out to pub and his wife told him dont come back with sick down you as always so while he was at pub he had an idea, he came home and sure enuf he had sick down his front he said to the wife a man did it and gave me 20 quid for the dry cleaning his wife said yeah but you got forty in your hand and he said other 20 was for the man that shit in his trousers lol |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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two men on an island one says to the other im sick of this eating coconuts im going behind that tree and im going to cut my dick off and cook it the other man said can you rub it so its big enuf for two |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A Muslim friend of mine recently told me he'd bought the Qu'ran on CD-Rom.
Out of curiosity, I said I'd like to burn a copy....
That's when it all kicked off! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A Muslim friend of mine recently told me he'd bought the Qu'ran on CD-Rom.
Out of curiosity, I said I'd like to burn a copy....
That's when it all kicked off!"
That made me chortle. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Went past one of them fast service car repair places saw mechanic with head between legs of a woman fiddling around he finishes and jumps up starts singing you can't get quicker than a quick clit fitter you can't get better than a quick clit fitter...... |
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By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago
Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria |
Spotted this one on Sickepedia...
A teacher asks his pupils, "Can anyone tell me the difference between constructive criticism and unnecessary nastiness?"
Little Johnny puts his hand up.
"One is the process of offering valid and well-reasoned opinions about the work of others, usually involving both positive and negative comments."
"Very good, Johnny," says the teacher. "And the other?"
"Your mum's a cunt." |
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By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago
Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria |
And another one....
I went to the Jobcentre earlier, to see if they had anything for me.
The girl said, 'We have a few positions in data entry.'
'Sorry,' I replied, 'but I can't use a computer.'
'You can't use a computer? In this day and age? Are you mentally handicapped?'
'No,' I replied, 'but it's one of my bail conditions.' |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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" Cure has been found for homosexuality,
lip balm - you rub it on your asshole and it keeps the chaps away!!!
Lovin the new avatar piccy young lady.
 "
They were just hanging around |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I got a phone call from the Police today, saying they'd recieved a complaintthat my dog had been chasing a man on a bicycle.
"sorry, but you must be mistaken" I said "my dog can't ride a bicycle". |
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" Cure has been found for homosexuality,
lip balm - you rub it on your asshole and it keeps the chaps away!!!
Lovin the new avatar piccy young lady.
They were just hanging around "
Their absolutely magnificent, Well worth logging on for.
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Before she died Bob ordered his wife a tombstone and had it engraved with,
"Here lies Pyllis cold as ever!"
So she went out and brought him a tombstone that she had inscribed
"Here lies Bob stiff at last!" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My nine year old son just asked me an awkward question - "Dad," he said. "What does a dick look like?"Luckily for me, some bloke in a Manchester United top was walking past. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A bloke in Wigan goes into a chemists and asks for a packet of condoms.
Girl behind the counter asks "Certainly sir. Would you like ones with spermicide?"
The guy looks at her funny and replies "No thanks love, I'd rather fill em myself!" |
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A man asks his barber how to treat baldness? he replied best thing is female love juices!!
But you're balder than me says the man!
True says the barber,
but you've got to admit i've got a fuckin crackin moustache! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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a midget women goes to the doctors and says "doctor I've got a itchy fanny" He lifts up her skirt, gets some scissors a goes snip snip. He asks "is that better?" "a bit better but its still itchy doc."so the doctor lifts her skirt up again. snip snip snip. "is that better" "yes" the midget replies "fantastic what did you do doctor?"the doctor replies "cut the fur off the top of your ugg boots" |
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I was at a party last night and the DJ played Sit down by James, so we all sat down! He then played Jump by the Pointer Sisters so we all jumped around!
Then he played Come on Eileen,
At that point I was asked to leave! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"When having sex do you ever look at your wife's face?"
"Yes, last time she looked really angry"
"Why do you think that was?"
"She was watching through the window."
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A woman had 3 daughters she asked the oldest what would she want of her future husband
She said I want a body builder with a massive chest with 3 dragons tattooed on it.
She asked the middle daughter the same question.
She said I want a fit guy with 2 dragons tattooed on his chest.
Finally she asked the youngest.
Who said Im not bothered if hes fit as long as hes got 1 dragin on the floor |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself ....... I'm going to have that. |
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Doctor, doctor, please kiss me!" says the patient.
"No, I'm sorry, that would be against the code of ethics," says the doctor.
Ten minutes later the patient says: "Doctor, please, kiss me just once."
"No, I'm sorry, I just can't!" he says. Five minutes later, she asks again, "Please, please kiss me!"
"Look," says the doctor, "it's out of the question. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be fucking you." |
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A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, that was an insect." To which, her son replies,
"I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What is the difference between the Ghost of Christmas Past and Jimmy Savile?
One is a dead guy who stands over beds, rattles his chains and puts the willies up everyone, and the other is the Ghost of Christmas Past. |
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Just lost the tie-break question in my local pub quiz.... Who am I ? I was all over the TV in the seventies and eighties, but have been completely irrelevant for the past 25 years. I am closely linked with music of the 1960s and I am famous for wearing tacky, shiny shellsuits. I have been in trouble with the police and am despised by the whole country?
Apparently
Liverpool Supporters isn't the correct answer. |
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After getting sent to jail..
I spent the next half hour being held face down over a table getting violently fucked up the arse...
sometimes I think my uncle brian takes monopoly a bit to seriously
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