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Best jokes please….

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Let’s hear them

Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn't sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me.

In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit walked into a blood donation clinic. The nurse asked the rabbit, "What is your blood type?"

"I'm probably a type O", said the rabbit.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Did you know vampires arent real?

Unless you Count Dracula.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I organised a bukaki birthday party for a girlfriend…it was a failure. Nobody came

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My life

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By *rwhowhatwherewhyMan over a year ago

Aylesbury

"A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit walked into a blood donation clinic. The nurse asked the rabbit, "What is your blood type?"

"I'm probably a type O", said the rabbit."

I really like that one

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By *rwhowhatwherewhyMan over a year ago

Aylesbury

What's the fastest fish in the world?

A motorpike

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I threw a ball for my dog...

It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a Tuxedo.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit walked into a blood donation clinic. The nurse asked the rabbit, "What is your blood type?"

"I'm probably a type O", said the rabbit."

Hahaha, love this one

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I threw a ball for my dog...

It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a Tuxedo."

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

They told me l'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they're really lovely.

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By *obletonMan over a year ago

A Home Among The Woodland Creatures

I got thrown out the cinema for bringing my own food.

But their prices are outrageous, and besides - I haven't had a barbeque in ages

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"They told me l'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they're really lovely."

Dyslexic man walks into a bra.

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By *obletonMan over a year ago

A Home Among The Woodland Creatures

[Removed by poster at 21/04/22 09:45:50]

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I’ve heard a rumour that lots of Germans are stockpiling cheese & sausage in the anticipation of another COVID lockdown - in other words planning for a Wurst-Käse scenario

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By *obletonMan over a year ago

A Home Among The Woodland Creatures

I went to a place that advertised breakfast at any time.

So I ordered bacon and eggs during the Renaissance

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"They told me l'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they're really lovely."

Funny

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By *1c4yMan over a year ago

stourbridge

Yo mommas so fat I saw her on Tinder swiped left and she was still on the screen.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My missus has just walked out on me, she said I loved horse racing more than I loved her.

I can see her getting to the gate now….annnnnd she’s off

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By *1c4yMan over a year ago

stourbridge

What's the difference between my jokes and my cock ?

No one laughs at my jokes.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I’ve heard a rumour that lots of Germans are stockpiling cheese & sausage in the anticipation of another COVID lockdown - in other words planning for a Wurst-Käse scenario"

Love this

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By *weetCruellaWoman over a year ago

somewhere sweet and sour

My neighbor came round my house really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about his underwear disappearing from their clothes line.

I can tell you I nearly shit his pants!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Hubby just tells me, have you heard the news! No why, he says that American actress as been murdered by her husband.

Who I say, Reece's something or another

I say Witherspoon

He says no with a Spade

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By *weetCruellaWoman over a year ago

somewhere sweet and sour

People complain about spell checker but it is helpful 99% of the titties!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I have the three D, Dyslexia, Dyspraxia and Autism…

I’ll show myself out

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

I turned down a job where I would be paid in vegetables.

The celery was unacceptable.

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By *host63Man over a year ago

Bedfont Feltham

Jellybaby walks into the doctor with liquorice hanging from hid willy.

"Foctor says,"What on earth have you been up to?"

Jellybaby replied

"Allsorts!"

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By *weetCruellaWoman over a year ago

somewhere sweet and sour

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Muffikin

Muffikin who?

Muffikin fingers are trapped in the door.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Knock Knock

Who's there?

Muffikin

Muffikin who?

Muffikin fingers are trapped in the door."

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By *up71Man over a year ago

Ringwood

An Owl and a Parrot were playing pool ?? in the pub. Just as the Owl ?? was about to play his shot, he nudged 1 of the balls with his wing!

Seeing this the Parrot ?? said 'Oi you can't do that thats a fowl and 2 hits to me!' and the Owl said.. 2 hits to who?

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By *elfordstevieMan over a year ago

Telford

What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

In Dubai, the people don’t like The Flinstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi do.

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By *weetCruellaWoman over a year ago

somewhere sweet and sour

Why do ducks have feathers?

To cover their buttquacks

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What’s E.T. short for?

Cos he got little legs…

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By *cotty1376Man over a year ago

PRESTON

I saw a deer on the way to work today , once i got there, i told my work colleague.

He said " how did you know it was on its way to work "

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By *cotty1376Man over a year ago

PRESTON

whats the difference between a Bison and a Bason

you can't wash your hands in a Bison

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why can’t you hear rabbits having sex???

Because they’ve got cotton balls

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why does Spider-Man's calendar only have 11 months?

He lost May.

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By *oah VailMan over a year ago

Dover

A hundred years ago poor people had horses and only the rich had cars.

Today, poor people have cars and only the rich have horses.

How the stables have turned.

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By *ookingLukeMan over a year ago

Northampton

What’s the difference between a priest and a spot?

A spot doesn’t come in your face until you’re 12.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Coventry has a new zoo opening, only has one animal....a dog.

Its gonna be a Shih Tzu

(Miss)

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By *obletonMan over a year ago

A Home Among The Woodland Creatures

What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

I've never paid £50 to have a lentil on my face

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What does the ocean and a vagina have in common?

They’re both deep wet and 80% unexplored

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Two cats are having a swimming race.

One is called "One two three". the

other' "Un deux trois". Which cat won?

"One two three" because "Un deux

trois cat sank"

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By *ussle SproutMan over a year ago

the middle

An old man went into confession and told the priest: Father,I'm 81 married with six children and 13 grandchildren. Last night i had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls.Twice.

I see, said the priest. When was the last time you were in confession?

Never,Father , replied the old man. I'm Jewish

So why are you telling me?

I'm telling everybody!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Knock knock

Who's there

Interrupting cow

Interrupting c

Mooo

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By *obletonMan over a year ago

A Home Among The Woodland Creatures

Does anyone remember the chiropractor joke I put on here about a week back?

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Knock knock

Who's there

Interrupting cow

Interrupting c

Mooo"

This is actually my favourite ever joke

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By *obletonMan over a year ago

A Home Among The Woodland Creatures

The highlighter pen will turn out to mankind's greatest invention - mark my words

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By *obletonMan over a year ago

A Home Among The Woodland Creatures

As of next week I will be dressing as a different kind of bread every day.

Roll on Monday

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"The highlighter pen will turn out to mankind's greatest invention - mark my words"

White boards, they are remarkable

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I'm terrible at telling jokes.

I always punch up the fuck line.

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By *obletonMan over a year ago

A Home Among The Woodland Creatures

I tried donating blood today - never again!

Too many stupid questions.

Who's blood is it?

Where did you get it?

Why is it in a bycket?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What did the fish say when he hit the wall?

Dam!

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By *obletonMan over a year ago

A Home Among The Woodland Creatures

I was invited to a fancy dress party in Birmingham.

The theme was spice so I dressed as a chili pepper.

Odd because everyone else came dressed as astronauts

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I was invited to a fancy dress party in Birmingham.

The theme was spice so I dressed as a chili pepper.

Odd because everyone else came dressed as astronauts"

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By *obletonMan over a year ago

A Home Among The Woodland Creatures

If anyone's got any ideas on how to fix the terrible condensation problem in my flat, please pop round - the kettle's always on

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By *penbicoupleCouple over a year ago

Northampton

What kind of Bees produce milk?

Boobies!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Never get into a debate with a circle.

It's pointless.

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By *ussle SproutMan over a year ago

the middle

Little Johnny skipped school one day...

and since his house was next to his school, the teacher decided to visit Little Johnny's parents the next day after school, but his granddad was the only adult home.

When he saw the teacher coming he said "Johnny! Your teacher is coming, hide and I will say you aren't here. "No," Little Johnny replied "you go hide. I told the teacher that I went to your funeral."

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By *oubleswing2019Man over a year ago

Colchester

"Does anyone remember the chiropractor joke I put on here about a week back?"

That is utterly sublime

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

91 year old man goes to the doctors. Doctor gives him a routine check up and says he's doing exceptionally well, especially for a man of his age. They both chat for a few minutes afterwards.

The old man mentions that he's just got married to a much younger woman, she's 25 in fact.. He states to the doctor that he's slightly worried that he can't see to his young wife's "needs". The doctor smiles , "Why don't you get a lodger, you know, another young person and they can sort that situation out for you," he suggests.

The old man smiles back at him and goes on his way.

A few months later the 91 year old is walking slowly down the street. He sees his doctor is walking towards him. "Hey how are you,?..you are looking well." The doctor says.

"Thank you. Things are going really well." The old man replies.

" In fact my wife's expecting.."

"Wow. That's amazing news" says the doctor. "By the way..did you try getting a lodger..like I suggested ?..if so how's that going?"..

The old man smiles "She's pregnant too."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Whats the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

I've never paid to see a lentil.

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By *rAitchMan over a year ago

Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe

I got a dishwasher for my wife.

I thought it was a fair swap!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Went to Jamaica and saw a sign

Steak and kidney $2

Cheese and onion $1.50

Minced beef $2

Apparently these are the pie rates of the Caribbean

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By *obletonMan over a year ago

A Home Among The Woodland Creatures

It's a small world.

But I wouldn't want to paint it

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By *obletonMan over a year ago

A Home Among The Woodland Creatures

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate

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By *anPsurreycoupleCouple over a year ago

Surrey

Looked on a guys profile

Says he is straight on profile!

But say they are bi when you talk to them.

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By *obletonMan over a year ago

A Home Among The Woodland Creatures

You can’t have everything

where would you put it?

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By *obletonMan over a year ago

A Home Among The Woodland Creatures

I never got along with my dad.

When I was a kid other kids used to come up to me and say, "My dad can beat up your dad."

I'd say Yeah? When?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What cheese do you use to hide a horse?

Mascarpone (mask a pony)

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By *ilfCrumpet9Man over a year ago

Wirral

My Chinese neighbour said to me she wanted a Roger. Thought my luck was in and stood there with my pants around my ankles then realised she meant lodger

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By *nwards_And-UpwardsMan over a year ago

Blackheath

I had eczema, diarrhoea and haemorrhoids at the weekend...

My best Scrabble score ever.

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan over a year ago

Willenhall

I took a taxi to a meet the other day.

The taxi driver wouldn't stop yapping on about how becoming a taxi driver was the best decision he had ever made. He kept going on about how he could choose his own hours, how he was his own boss with nobody telling him what to do...

..."Err, turn left here" I replied.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I've got a broken quiz machine for sale if anybody wants it. Only £10, no questions asked.

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By *orraine999Woman over a year ago

Somewhere

"I threw a ball for my dog...

It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a Tuxedo."

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By *penbicoupleCouple over a year ago

Northampton

"My Chinese neighbour said to me she wanted a Roger. Thought my luck was in and stood there with my pants around my ankles then realised she meant lodger "

Wait... is it the 80's?!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Jane is working in tescos and says to one of her colleagues “I can always tell the single men from the married men”.

“How do you do that ?” Her colleague asks.

“Watch” Jane says with a confident wink

A man comes over with a basket of shopping, he’s got a small tin of tomatoes, a mushroom, a single sausage and an egg.

“You’re a single fella aren’t you?” Jane asks.

“Yeah, how did you know that?” The guys says , amazed.

“Because you’re a right ugly C*nt!” she replies.

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By *anuel ducatiMan over a year ago

leyburn

I went to the doctors the other day and I said "I think my hearing is going", and he said oh really, can you describe the symptoms?, I said yeah, Bart is butt ugly and Madge has got blue hair!!

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By *orleyMikeMan over a year ago

Leeds

I have an addiction to brake fluid.

I can stop when I want

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My ex and I used to roleplay in the bedroom a lot.

Her favorite game was "Sexy Librarian!"

Which is where I'm not allowed to talk and she reads a book instead.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What’s green and smells of pork?

Kermit’s finger.

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By *anuel ducatiMan over a year ago

leyburn

Van Gough walks into a bar and someone shouts across to him oi vincent, do ya wanna pint, and Van replies no thanks, I've got one ere.

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By *uiet confidenceMan over a year ago

Warrington

"They told me l'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they're really lovely."

Did you hear about the dyslexic teetotaller? He ch*ked on his own vimto.

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan over a year ago

Willenhall

"They told me l'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they're really lovely.

Did you hear about the dyslexic teetotaller? He ch*ked on his own vimto."

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?

He used to lie awake all night wondering if there really was a dog.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Personal favourite of mine that I came up with

I have the three Ds… Dyslexia, Dyspraxia and Autism

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By *uiet confidenceMan over a year ago

Warrington

A d*unk is sitting on a a park bench, watching the ducks in the pond. He slurs to himself “I’m h-h-hungry. I thinks I’ll have that nice ducky for my dinner!”

So he gets on his hands and knees and crawls over towards the duck, grabs it and starts plucking its feathers out. Then he hears a whistle and turns around to see a park ranger running towards him. Panicking, he throws the duck into the pond.

The park ranger comes up to the d*unk and says “Were you attacking that duck?”

“N-N-No” says the d*unk. “I was just sitting here minding my own business”

“I don’t believe you” says the ranger. There’s a bald duck in the pond, and you’re sat here by the water side, surrounded by feathers!”

“Well of-of-of c-course I am” said the d*unk. “You see, the d-duck decided to go for a s-swim in the pond, and I-I offeffered to-to look after his clothes!”

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By *oalie66Man over a year ago

Chesterfield

What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexic Association.

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By *ale32Man over a year ago

blackburn

How much does a roof cost?

Nothing! It’s on the house

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By *reeneggsandsamMan over a year ago

Perpignan and cap

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten, ten tickles.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I cant do jokes....but if anyone wants a double entendre i will give them one.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Let’s hear them

Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn't sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me.

In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job."

Oh this definitely made my morning.

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By *leasureseekers123Couple over a year ago

Heathrow

It was so busy at my yodelling class the other night, that the instructors told everyone to form an orderly orderly orderly line.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Just back from a session with my yoga instructor....she asked me how flexible i was.......told her i could not do mondays and wednesday.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"It was so busy at my yodelling class the other night, that the instructors told everyone to form an orderly orderly orderly line. "

What's Yoda's last name?

Layheehoo

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll?

Ken came in another box…

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By * little bit naughtyCouple over a year ago

Bedford

A boy on the farm turns 18, and his dad sends him to town to find a lady. Being a poor farm family, all he can give the lad is a duck. But he heads into town to do his best.

The lad meets a hooker, and tells her his story - it’s his first time, and his birthday, but all he has is a duck.

She says he looks like a nice guy, and is sentimental about birthdays, so OK. They go off, back to her room and fuck.

Wow!, she says, you’re really good! Do that again and I’ll give you your duck back. So he fucks her again, and leaves with his duck.

As he’s walking home, the duck flies out of his hands, and gets hit by a car. The driver gets out and apologised and gives the lad $20 for the duck.

When the lad gets home, his father asks him how it went:

“I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and twenty bucks for a fucked up duck.”

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By *toobguyMan over a year ago

Manchester

2 monkeys in a bath.

1 goes oooh, aaah, oooh, aaah, aaah,aaah, ooh.

2nd one says put some cold water in then!

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By *rispyDuckMan over a year ago

Chinese Takeaway near you

Today I saw someone waving & I wasn't sure whether they where waving at me or at someone behind me.

In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.

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By *allySlinkyWoman over a year ago

Leeds

"Today I saw someone waving & I wasn't sure whether they where waving at me or at someone behind me.

In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job. "

Is there an echo on this thread ?

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By *leasure4leisureMan over a year ago

south

A guy ran over a cockerel outside a farm, been rather upset he knocked on the door and explained to the farmers wife that he would like to replace it .

“Carry on she said the chicken are around the back “

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By *yron69Man over a year ago

Fareham

Did John Thomas ever have a unique name for his own cock?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I got bored watching the Earth turn. So after 24 hours I called it a day

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By *yron69Man over a year ago

Fareham

Chicken farmers called their penises cocks,

Bell ringers dongs,

Carpenters tools,

Whalers Moby Dicks,

Would that be unfair on prawn fishermen?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do George Michael and wellies have in common?

They both get sucked off in bogs.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I went to an archeology party over the weekend where everyone was looking for the remains of a lower leg. It was quite the shindig.

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By *yron69Man over a year ago

Fareham

An Ancient Egyptian grave was found recently overlooking the desert mountains. Was a tomb with a view..

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit walked into a blood donation clinic. The nurse asked the rabbit, "What is your blood type?"

"I'm probably a type O", said the rabbit."

Genius!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I just got sacked from my job simply for laughing.

Though I was driving the hearse at the time.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"An Ancient Egyptian grave was found recently overlooking the desert mountains. Was a tomb with a view.."

Archaeologists excavating a pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and hazelnuts.

They believe it to be Pharaoh Rocher

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By *allySlinkyWoman over a year ago

Leeds

A Pharaoh's favourite place to eat is Pizza Tut.

Mummies don't take holidays as they are afraid to relax and unwind.

What do you call an Egyptian doctor ?

A Cairo-practor

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"A Pharaoh's favourite place to eat is Pizza Tut.

Mummies don't take holidays as they are afraid to relax and unwind.

What do you call an Egyptian doctor ?

A Cairo-practor "

What is a mummy's favorite kind of music? Wrap music.

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By *pursChick aka ShortieWoman over a year ago

On a mooch

Seeing as though you thought the bad jokes were funny yesterday, here are a few more

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Call him whatever you want, he's not coming.

——————————————————-

And so the Lord said unto John, "Come forth; and receive eternal life."

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

———————————————————

Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

———————————————————

Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat?

Because if they fell forward, they'd still be on the boat.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do anal enthusiasts call piles?

Speed bumps.

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By *omer47Man over a year ago

leigh

Plumber says to paddy, why haven't you paid your bill for the work I done for you

Paddy say I didn't think I owed you anything because when I asked you for a quote and when could you start the work, you said friday, I'm free on friday.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Seeing as though you thought the bad jokes were funny yesterday, here are a few more

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Call him whatever you want, he's not coming.

——————————————————-

And so the Lord said unto John, "Come forth; and receive eternal life."

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

———————————————————

Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

———————————————————

Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat?

Because if they fell forward, they'd still be on the boat.

Love them!

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"What do anal enthusiasts call piles?

Speed bumps."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I lost my wife’s audio book…

And now I’ll never hear the end of it!

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By *reamblueMan over a year ago

London

What do you call a female dinosaur?

A vaginasaur

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By *uiet confidenceMan over a year ago

Warrington

My dad always told me to fight fire with fire. Which in hindsight is probably why he lost his job in the fire brigade.

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By *rTongueMan over a year ago

...

All pessimists have the same blood type, B-

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By *estmids71Man over a year ago

Wolverhampton

What do you do with a year’s worth of used condoms?

Melt them into a tyre and call it a Goodyear.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Went to donate blood today.

Last bloody time.

So many questions!

Who’s blood is it?

Why’s it in a bucket?

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By *uiet confidenceMan over a year ago

Warrington

How do you make a soul singer out of a duck?

Stick it in the microwave and wait until it’s bill withers!

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By *haneportsMan over a year ago

portsmouth

"I cant do jokes....but if anyone wants a double entendre i will give them one.

That’ll be a large one then!

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By *iking 777Man over a year ago

wick

Go on call the police and let's see who comes first

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By *uiet confidenceMan over a year ago

Warrington

"Go on call the police and let's see who comes first

Too subtle for me that one

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan over a year ago

Willenhall

Double decker on fire in Glasgow.

I suppose it makes a change from a deep-fried Mars bar.

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By *ooth fairyMan over a year ago

Newtownards

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball ?? Gaagggghhhhhhhh (best gagging noise I could type

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By *allySlinkyWoman over a year ago

Leeds

"Go on call the police and let's see who comes first

Too subtle for me that one"

Is it something to do with truncheons ?

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By *penbicoupleCouple over a year ago

Northampton

My Grief Counsellor died recently.

But luckily he was so good that I didn't give a shit.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Unfortunately, my obese parrot just died.

But it's a huge weight off my shoulders.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I went for an interview at Ikea.

The manager said “come in, make a seat.”

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I went for an interview at Ikea.

The manager said “come in, make a seat.”"

Hahaha I like that one

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By *educedWoman over a year ago

Birmingham

What do you call an IT teacher who touches kids?

A PDF File!

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By *penbicoupleCouple over a year ago

Northampton

Little Johnny catches his parents in the act. His mum, sitting on top of dad quickly comes up with an excuse: "Dad is just getting a little fat, so I'm trying to squish him back into shape."

Johnny: "That's silly mum. Because every day you go to work, the lady next door comes around and blows him back up again."

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By *og-ManMan over a year ago

somewhere

My wife has had her knickers stolen off the line!!! Fuming!!

You can keep the knickers but can we have the 40 pegs back please!

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

My cousin was hospitalised after shoving 28 small plastic horses in his rectum.

Doctors described his condition as stable.

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By *ussle SproutMan over a year ago

the middle

Man: Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?

Barmaid: Why, yes. That's me.

Man: Then go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich.

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By *yron69Man over a year ago

Fareham

Britain’s most unfashionable man Arthur Crumpton was hit by a lorry yesterday whilst wearing flares, platforms and a purple striped tank top. Police confirmed him passé at the scene of the accident..

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

6:30 Is the best time on the clock!

Hands down.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"6:30 Is the best time on the clock!

Hands down."

There's a whole generation of people won't get that at all

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

If you suck at playing the trumpet…

That’s probably why.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"If you suck at playing the trumpet…

That’s probably why."

I love that one

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Went to the butchers earlier. Said to him ‘I bet you £50 you can’t reach the meat on the top shelf’.

He said ‘I’m not taking that bet, the steaks are too high’.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Jesus walks into a bar: "just 12 waters please!" Winks at his disciples

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Knock knock

Who's there?

I eat map....

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By *herryEatersCouple over a year ago

East Cheshire

Practice safe text !, use commas and never miss a period.

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By *herryEatersCouple over a year ago

East Cheshire

I walked into a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but clingfilm.... he said "I can clearly see you're nuts !"

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By *herryEatersCouple over a year ago

East Cheshire

I walked into the bedroom with some aspirins and a glass of water. Cherry said "what are those for ??", I replied "your headache darling", she replied "but I don't have a headache"..... GOTCHA

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why did the koala bear fall out the tree?

Because it was dead

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I burned my Hawaiian pizza earlier. I knew I should've put it on aloha temperature.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My girlfriend asked me if I would like super sex? I asked what flavour the soup was?

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By *ralbiswMan over a year ago

Exeter

Have you noticed the strange ways people react when you scream?

If you do it in a library they frown and tut but if you do it on an aeroplane they join in!

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By *ralbiswMan over a year ago

Exeter

"Mum, I think I'm pregnant"

"Have you had a check-up ?"

"No, I think he was Hungarian"

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By *ralbiswMan over a year ago

Exeter

After sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.

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By *oeofsussexMan over a year ago

Eastbourne

"I was invited to a fancy dress party in Birmingham.

The theme was spice so I dressed as a chili pepper.

Odd because everyone else came dressed as astronauts"

THIS is priceless!!! The best of brummie jokes!

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By *layfullsamMan over a year ago

Solihull

I told my girl friend that she had drawn her eyebrows on too high…

..She looked surprised.

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By *nwards_And-UpwardsMan over a year ago

Blackheath

Stolen from a friend

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A nice looking redhead walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, “Did you call for me?” The man replies, “No, what do you mean?” She says, “You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.” Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts and within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him and says, “Did you call for me?” Then newcomer replies, “No, what do you mean?” The hairy man replies, “You must be new. It's a rule that if you fart it implies that you called for me.” The huge man easily spins the newcomer around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist and she says, “May I help you?” The man yells, “Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee!” She replies, “But Sir, you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.” The man replies, “Listen lady, I'm an older guy. I only get an erection once a month and I fart 35 times a day.”

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By *hisisntpofMan over a year ago

bristol

I was offered a 75 inch tv today for 50 quid with a broken volume button,now theres an offer you cant turn down

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By *hisisntpofMan over a year ago

bristol

What do you get after 5 days of wanking ?

A weekend

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan over a year ago

Willenhall

Now that I'm in my forties I've been to a lot of wakes.

Mind you, I haven't been to one that actually worked yet.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

2 fish in a tank, one says to the other

"Do you know how to drive this thing?"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Two mice chewing on a DVD, one says to the other

"The book was better"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What's long, brown and sits on a piano stool?

Beethoven's first movement

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By *licecdTV/TS over a year ago

Hatfield

Tottenham Hotspur FC best joke ever The gift that just keeps giving

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan over a year ago

Sussex

"They told me l'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they're really lovely.

Dyslexic man walks into a bra."

Did you hear about the insomniac agnostic who is also dyslexic?

'would lay in bed all night wondering if there really is a dog.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

My girlfriend gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.

Sol added fruit and lemonade to it and now she's sangria then ever.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"They told me l'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they're really lovely.

Dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Did you hear about the insomniac agnostic who is also dyslexic?

'would lay in bed all night wondering if there really is a dog."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

1,000 cans of redbull were recently stolen from a lorry, I dont know how these thieves sleep at night ?

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By *yron69Man over a year ago

Fareham

The Society of Magician’s Assistants all went missing recently. Please urge people to check cupboards and wardrobes actions the area.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"My girlfriend gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.

Sol added fruit and lemonade to it and now she's sangria then ever."

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

Man walks into a bar.

"Ouch" he said.

It was an iron bar......

Dohhhhhhhhhhhh those were such innocent times.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What type of bees produce milk?

Boobeeees

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Good jokes everyone

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