FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Do you dwell after you have done something stupid ?
Do you dwell after you have done something stupid ?
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So recently I've done something stupid and upset someone of which I'm truly sorry,and I've burnt my bridges with them as well.
I didn't realise I had caused the issue at the time which makes it even worse in my mind.
I know I'll feel better in time and I hope they will too.
What I want to know is what are your coping mechanisms when you've done something similar,are you like me where you keep thinking it through trying to learn how not to make the same mistake again or are you one of the lucky ones where by its like water off a ducks back to simply forget and move ?
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If I'm not told of what I did then how can I rectify it, I unintentionally offend quite a few people with my strong logical views, but I can't control their offense unless I know about it, so I apologise and move on. For friendships to be broken it would have to have been really bad and I've never experienced that. I suppose it all depends on the communication level in the friendship you held, whether either one of you has the courage to say actually "no that offended me" at the point that the offense was received, rather than let it fester and destroy the relationship |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It's natural to want to reflect on what happens, but if this turns to rumination it can be very damaging
Its good that you've realised the impact and taken accountability, even if you didn't realise at the time.
Once you've made the personal apology, then i think you have to let the dust settle. Perhaps you can check back in after an appropriate amount of time.. But my general advice would be you have to respect the other person's position and find a way to move forward and put it behind you and let it go.
Its really hard when friendships collapse x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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At work when we make a significant error we have a process for breaking it down so everyone can learn from it. Proud to say in the workplace no one is in fear of being ridiculed or made to feel like a failure. I take that practice into my home life too |
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"It's natural to want to reflect on what happens, but if this turns to rumination it can be very damaging
Its good that you've realised the impact and taken accountability, even if you didn't realise at the time.
Once you've made the personal apology, then i think you have to let the dust settle. Perhaps you can check back in after an appropriate amount of time.. But my general advice would be you have to respect the other person's position and find a way to move forward and put it behind you and let it go.
Its really hard when friendships collapse x"
Thank you for this |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Yes I do but we all make mistakes and it's all part of life. Learn from it and in time you may be able to talk to the person involved once things have calmed down |
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"Yes I do but we all make mistakes and it's all part of life. Learn from it and in time you may be able to talk to the person involved once things have calmed down "
We do all make mistakes I doubt they will want to talk to me again though. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It depends what it is, what my actions were and if it was intentional or unintentional, that will define how I feel.
Somethings I will dwell on forever.
Somethings I will never give a fuck about. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You need to simply forget don't beat yourself up if you didn't realise you were doing anything maybe they have the problem and it's not you.
You will feel better as time goes on. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Yes I do but we all make mistakes and it's all part of life. Learn from it and in time you may be able to talk to the person involved once things have calmed down
We do all make mistakes I doubt they will want to talk to me again though."
What did you do? |
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I still come out in a cold sweat over stupid things I did 50 years ago. I think it's nature's way of reminding me not to be an idiot. If only it would work, I still find new and varied ways of being stupid |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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ooohh OP
depends depends depends... true regret then time to self reflect and ask why you did what you did - was it you? or can a leopard bever change its spots?
get d*unk, try and forget about it, substitute her if you have to and after time you'll fuck up again and have something else to worry about!
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Not many mistakes tbh. But embarrassing memories? Yes definitely. Every now and then something or a drifting memory would remind me of an incident and I would physically cringe and berate myself for not being the person I should have been at that moment in time. Then I would move on, shake it off essentially.
No, Nothing detrimental or dangerous just embarrassing to me. |
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"Yes I do but we all make mistakes and it's all part of life. Learn from it and in time you may be able to talk to the person involved once things have calmed down
We do all make mistakes I doubt they will want to talk to me again though.
What did you do? "
I'm not entirely sure we had a few meets lately and when messaging the following day she said she they were good night's or words to that effect
Then a couple of weeks later i get told she didn't enjoy them ,
I've took it on the chin because I'm not going argue life really is to short for that,
I just wonder whether she had got bored of me and it was her way of breaking things off ...who knows |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Yes I do but we all make mistakes and it's all part of life. Learn from it and in time you may be able to talk to the person involved once things have calmed down
We do all make mistakes I doubt they will want to talk to me again though.
What did you do?
I'm not entirely sure we had a few meets lately and when messaging the following day she said she they were good night's or words to that effect
Then a couple of weeks later i get told she didn't enjoy them ,
I've took it on the chin because I'm not going argue life really is to short for that,
I just wonder whether she had got bored of me and it was her way of breaking things off ...who knows "
sounds like a typical day on fab tbh.... load a few more pics to your local updates and move on. ws never going to work out anyway |
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"I still come out in a cold sweat over stupid things I did 50 years ago. I think it's nature's way of reminding me not to be an idiot. If only it would work, I still find new and varied ways of being stupid "
Too true |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Yes I do but we all make mistakes and it's all part of life. Learn from it and in time you may be able to talk to the person involved once things have calmed down
We do all make mistakes I doubt they will want to talk to me again though.
What did you do?
I'm not entirely sure we had a few meets lately and when messaging the following day she said she they were good night's or words to that effect
Then a couple of weeks later i get told she didn't enjoy them ,
I've took it on the chin because I'm not going argue life really is to short for that,
I just wonder whether she had got bored of me and it was her way of breaking things off ...who knows "
Sounds like they do have the problem and it's not you. Like what has been said before forget and move on its there loss not yours if there not mature enough to communicate with you properly at the correct then they were not a true friend, she was probably using you until something else came along. |
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"Yes I do but we all make mistakes and it's all part of life. Learn from it and in time you may be able to talk to the person involved once things have calmed down
We do all make mistakes I doubt they will want to talk to me again though.
What did you do?
I'm not entirely sure we had a few meets lately and when messaging the following day she said she they were good night's or words to that effect
Then a couple of weeks later i get told she didn't enjoy them ,
I've took it on the chin because I'm not going argue life really is to short for that,
I just wonder whether she had got bored of me and it was her way of breaking things off ...who knows
Sounds like they do have the problem and it's not you. Like what has been said before forget and move on its there loss not yours if there not mature enough to communicate with you properly at the correct then they were not a true friend, she was probably using you until something else came along."
I do hope that's not the case though it's not nice being used. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Yes I do but we all make mistakes and it's all part of life. Learn from it and in time you may be able to talk to the person involved once things have calmed down
We do all make mistakes I doubt they will want to talk to me again though.
What did you do?
I'm not entirely sure we had a few meets lately and when messaging the following day she said she they were good night's or words to that effect
Then a couple of weeks later i get told she didn't enjoy them ,
I've took it on the chin because I'm not going argue life really is to short for that,
I just wonder whether she had got bored of me and it was her way of breaking things off ...who knows
Sounds like they do have the problem and it's not you. Like what has been said before forget and move on its there loss not yours if there not mature enough to communicate with you properly at the correct then they were not a true friend, she was probably using you until something else came along.
I do hope that's not the case though it's not nice being used."
Yes but there are some odd people on this site |
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"Yes I do but we all make mistakes and it's all part of life. Learn from it and in time you may be able to talk to the person involved once things have calmed down
We do all make mistakes I doubt they will want to talk to me again though.
What did you do?
I'm not entirely sure we had a few meets lately and when messaging the following day she said she they were good night's or words to that effect
Then a couple of weeks later i get told she didn't enjoy them ,
I've took it on the chin because I'm not going argue life really is to short for that,
I just wonder whether she had got bored of me and it was her way of breaking things off ...who knows
Sounds like they do have the problem and it's not you. Like what has been said before forget and move on its there loss not yours if there not mature enough to communicate with you properly at the correct then they were not a true friend, she was probably using you until something else came along.
I do hope that's not the case though it's not nice being used.
Yes but there are some odd people on this site "
No she was a lovely lady
I just need to dust myself down and move on to pastures new |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Yes I do but we all make mistakes and it's all part of life. Learn from it and in time you may be able to talk to the person involved once things have calmed down
We do all make mistakes I doubt they will want to talk to me again though.
What did you do?
I'm not entirely sure we had a few meets lately and when messaging the following day she said she they were good night's or words to that effect
Then a couple of weeks later i get told she didn't enjoy them ,
I've took it on the chin because I'm not going argue life really is to short for that,
I just wonder whether she had got bored of me and it was her way of breaking things off ...who knows "
Sounds like she should be the one feeling shit, not you.
Chin up. Remember the good times. |
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"Yes I do but we all make mistakes and it's all part of life. Learn from it and in time you may be able to talk to the person involved once things have calmed down
We do all make mistakes I doubt they will want to talk to me again though.
What did you do?
I'm not entirely sure we had a few meets lately and when messaging the following day she said she they were good night's or words to that effect
Then a couple of weeks later i get told she didn't enjoy them ,
I've took it on the chin because I'm not going argue life really is to short for that,
I just wonder whether she had got bored of me and it was her way of breaking things off ...who knows
Sounds like she should be the one feeling shit, not you.
Chin up. Remember the good times. "
Thanks I'm sure Im to blame somewhere along the line just wish I'd known earlier I could have done something about it |
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Always best to apogize as down as possible so never let something fester for either one. I am not keen on ignoring stuff hoping they go away. I like to sort it out and then move on. I will quite happily pretend it was sort of my fault as I know some people find it very hard to say sorry or accept that are in the wrong. Life is too short |
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"Always best to apogize as down as possible so never let something fester for either one. I am not keen on ignoring stuff hoping they go away. I like to sort it out and then move on. I will quite happily pretend it was sort of my fault as I know some people find it very hard to say sorry or accept that are in the wrong. Life is too short "
The problem is I didn't know until two week after that I'd done anything wrong
I just think from there point of view things had run its course which is such a shame as I really liked them ..still nothing lasts for ever. |
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I do. I still remember super embarrassing things from the last 20 years.
A PC I built in particular. I obsess and I own the shame to this day.
I recently made a blunder and was calling someone on here by the wrong name. I got mixed up between single accounts and a couples account. I carry the shame and let it make me a better person |
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"I’d try and make amends or offer my apologies. If they don’t accept, there’s not much more you can do.
Why waste energy worrying about it. "
I've already apologised I will leave it with them I think
She has my number if she ever wants to get in touch |
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"Always best to apogize as down as possible so never let something fester for either one. I am not keen on ignoring stuff hoping they go away. I like to sort it out and then move on. I will quite happily pretend it was sort of my fault as I know some people find it very hard to say sorry or accept that are in the wrong. Life is too short
The problem is I didn't know until two week after that I'd done anything wrong
I just think from there point of view things had run its course which is such a shame as I really liked them ..still nothing lasts for ever."
That's true and as you say you were not even aware |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I overthink everything and always need closure (it’s definitely a curse!). I will often remember something stupid I’ve said or done years down the line and feel the dread and regret all over again.
It’s all the more difficult to give yourself closure if you don’t truly understand what you did wrong in the first place, but it sounds as though the situation wasn’t necessarily a healthy one for you OP. Give yourself a short time limit to dwell on it and then you need to brush yourself down and walk away with your head high. L x |
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"I overthink everything and always need closure (it’s definitely a curse!). I will often remember something stupid I’ve said or done years down the line and feel the dread and regret all over again.
It’s all the more difficult to give yourself closure if you don’t truly understand what you did wrong in the first place, but it sounds as though the situation wasn’t necessarily a healthy one for you OP. Give yourself a short time limit to dwell on it and then you need to brush yourself down and walk away with your head high. L x"
Thank you |
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"Be like a dog, just shake it off and then wag your tail chasing something that makes you happy.
Wise words "
I was just about to write the same.
Wise words...depending on the situation probably easier said than done. But,.with time it becomes easier.
Self reflection is foos but don't keep bearing yourself up about it.
Sorry to see you are in that spot..it does make it worse when you didn't mean it xx |
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"Be like a dog, just shake it off and then wag your tail chasing something that makes you happy.
Wise words
I was just about to write the same.
Wise words...depending on the situation probably easier said than done. But,.with time it becomes easier.
Self reflection is foos but don't keep bearing yourself up about it.
Sorry to see you are in that spot..it does make it worse when you didn't mean it xx"
Thank you |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If there is no way to make it up to the other person then I try to file it under "lesson learned" and move on. Guilt is a pretty useless emotion unless you try to view it as teaching you something. If you were an absolute horrible bastard then you wouldn't feel bad. So there's a positive. Remember that acting this way made you feel shit, so protect yourself in the future and try not to act that way again. |
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"If there is no way to make it up to the other person then I try to file it under "lesson learned" and move on. Guilt is a pretty useless emotion unless you try to view it as teaching you something. If you were an absolute horrible bastard then you wouldn't feel bad. So there's a positive. Remember that acting this way made you feel shit, so protect yourself in the future and try not to act that way again."
Again very wise words thank you
It just the fact I've lost the friendship that's really playing on my mind but hey people come and people go I guess. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If there is no way to make it up to the other person then I try to file it under "lesson learned" and move on. Guilt is a pretty useless emotion unless you try to view it as teaching you something. If you were an absolute horrible bastard then you wouldn't feel bad. So there's a positive. Remember that acting this way made you feel shit, so protect yourself in the future and try not to act that way again.
Again very wise words thank you
It just the fact I've lost the friendship that's really playing on my mind but hey people come and people go I guess."
Your right there it dosnt matter if it's the swinging world or vanilla people will come in and out of your life and there's not much you can do about it
There are plenty of other people out there and from looking at your profile you seem like a wonderful guy who is popular
As others have said chin up and stuff em |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Don't blame yourself. Seems like you just said "good night"...am I understanding that correctly?
I'd say that to friends if its getting late and I want to go to bed.
Maybe she felt it was progressing into more than friends territory, so why not communicate that instead.
Saying goodnight is a nice thing.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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No brige is truely Burned if they cared for you at all
Only briges that are truely burned are people who didn’t give a toss about you in the first place
Yes it may take time it may take time way but if they cared at all there is always a chance to rebuild that brige
We only humen we make mastkes we learn adapt and change |
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"Don't blame yourself. Seems like you just said "good night"...am I understanding that correctly?
I'd say that to friends if its getting late and I want to go to bed.
Maybe she felt it was progressing into more than friends territory, so why not communicate that instead.
Saying goodnight is a nice thing.
"
I think she said good night to me still I've had all day to process my thoughts and thanks everyone for what seems to be common advice
I'm not going to dwell anymore |
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"No brige is truely Burned if they cared for you at all
Only briges that are truely burned are people who didn’t give a toss about you in the first place
Yes it may take time it may take time way but if they cared at all there is always a chance to rebuild that brige
We only humen we make mastkes we learn adapt and change "
Not sure with this I suspect she does care but there are other factors in her life that have made her take the decisions she has ...plus also I probably didn't help matters
Let bygones be bygones and we can all move on |
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"Water off a ducks back for myself. I don’t really give things much thought. If Iv said sorry and they don’t accept it then oh well. "
Whats your secret how do you not worry ...that's what I'm interested in.
How do other folks not worry ? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Definitely. I always think of scenarios it could've been avoided, who the mistake affected, what they think, how face doing the same task. Reflection is a good thing, but the way I do it may be unhealthy. |
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"It depends who and what. If it's someone close to me then I definitely dwell on it and feel guilty.
If it's not then I'll feel bad for a short while but then move on."
I'm not sure how close they were to me
I thought we were getting in very well but clearly I got that wrong
I just hope that if I bump into them again we can be friendly as they were lovely people. |
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"Definitely. I always think of scenarios it could've been avoided, who the mistake affected, what they think, how face doing the same task. Reflection is a good thing, but the way I do it may be unhealthy."
I think I do exactly the same I need to find a healthier way of dealing with things |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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We all upset people in life but what matters is intention. If you didn't intend to upset the person, then it's not something you need to dwell on. We all make mistakes and good people do bad things sometimes. Always apologise, acknowledge how you've made that person feel and move forward. |
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"We all upset people in life but what matters is intention. If you didn't intend to upset the person, then it's not something you need to dwell on. We all make mistakes and good people do bad things sometimes. Always apologise, acknowledge how you've made that person feel and move forward."
Thank you wise advise from a fellow Brummy . I hope |
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"So recently I've done something stupid and upset someone of which I'm truly sorry,and I've burnt my bridges with them as well.
I didn't realise I had caused the issue at the time which makes it even worse in my mind.
I know I'll feel better in time and I hope they will too.
What I want to know is what are your coping mechanisms when you've done something similar,are you like me where you keep thinking it through trying to learn how not to make the same mistake again or are you one of the lucky ones where by its like water off a ducks back to simply forget and move ?
" this used to affect me quite a lot . I would have sleepless nights because of it . Somehow and I don't remember why I stopped caring what others think of my own mistakes and I'm OK now . We all make them as long as we learn from them then we should be allowed/able to move on without them influencing our lives too badly . |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm much like yourself OP, dwell on most of my mistakes way beyond the post mortem to learn from it. Eventually I'm able to look back and think of it as just a mistake that I've learnt from, except if it involves another person. Then the emotions can linger, waiting to be recalled at a moments notice. |
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"We all upset people in life but what matters is intention. If you didn't intend to upset the person, then it's not something you need to dwell on. We all make mistakes and good people do bad things sometimes. Always apologise, acknowledge how you've made that person feel and move forward."
This is sensible advice |
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If I have done something stupid I won’t dwell on it but I will sit and think about how it came to be and to see if there was anything I could do differently in the future.
If I can rectify it I will probably try but I will then move on. Life is too short to be crushed by your past and we all make mistakes. |
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"If I have done something stupid I won’t dwell on it but I will sit and think about how it came to be and to see if there was anything I could do differently in the future.
If I can rectify it I will probably try but I will then move on. Life is too short to be crushed by your past and we all make mistakes."
Too true |
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