FabSwingers.com
 

FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Your best dad jokes

Your best dad jokes

Jump to: Newest in thread

 

By (user no longer on site) OP     over a year ago

Hit me with them please

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *erverseintentionsMan  over a year ago

Liverpool

I'll ask him when he gets back .. he went to get ciggies 20 years ago..

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

5/4 people admit to being bad with fractions.

two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks

Whats brown and sticky? a stick

what was the name of the emperor penguin? Julius Freezer

RIP boiled water. You will be mist.

I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show i've ever seen.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site) OP     over a year ago


"5/4 people admit to being bad with fractions.

two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks

Whats brown and sticky? a stick

what was the name of the emperor penguin? Julius Freezer

RIP boiled water. You will be mist.

I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show i've ever seen.

"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *nimaginativeUsernameMan  over a year ago

Rochester, Kent

Him: ‘I was going to tell you a joke about my cock, but it’s too long’

Her: ‘That’s a coincidence. I was going to tell you a joke about my pussy, but you’ll never get it’

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

What do you call a man with no arms and legs?

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site) OP     over a year ago


"Him: ‘I was going to tell you a joke about my cock, but it’s too long’

Her: ‘That’s a coincidence. I was going to tell you a joke about my pussy, but you’ll never get it’"

That did make me laugh

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

an invisible man married and invisible woman. the kids where nothing to look at either.

I've just been diagnosed as being colour-blind. I know, it certainly came out of the purple to me.

You can't have a nose 12" long, otherwise it would be called a foot..

I told my friend she drew her eyebrows too high. she seemed surprised

I told my doctor that I had broken my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

I bought a thesaurus the other day and when I got home and looked at it every single page was blank, I have no words to say how upset I am

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

The inventor of the Velcro has died.

RIP.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

What do you call a girl with tiles on her

head?

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Lady Astor is blaming me for ruining her birthday, which is utterly ridiculous, I didn't even know it was her birthday.

Winston

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *axx82Man  over a year ago

Gloucester

[Removed by poster at 03/04/22 09:00:43]

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site) OP     over a year ago

My dog ate some scrabble tiles the other day, and now he’s leaving me little messages all over the house.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

When my grandma died, I had her cremated and put her ashes in a trophy that said "World's Best Grandma."

She urned it.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

have a fear of speed bumps. I’m slowly getting over it.

I have a fear of elevators, but I’ve started taking steps to avoid it.

Winston

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *irtydevil666Man  over a year ago

bristol

Dad, are we pyromaniacs?

Yes, we arson.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *unfriends1976Couple  over a year ago

Darlington

I farted in a lift once

It was wrong on so many levels

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *yronMan  over a year ago

grangemouth

Do mascara and lipstick ever argue? Yes, but then they do make up.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *irtydevil666Man  over a year ago

bristol

Before I left for music college, my dad said to me: “Remember, it’s better to have lobsters in your piano, than crabs on your organ.”

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

I met the chap who invented window sills yesterday.

What a ledge.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *yronMan  over a year ago

grangemouth

I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *irtydevil666Man  over a year ago

bristol

What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?

Fucks funny.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site) OP     over a year ago

I was attacked by a bloke with a power tool last night, there I was minding my own business and then BOSCH

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *irtydevil666Man  over a year ago

bristol

What do you call a field of cows that are all masturbating?

Beef strokin’ off.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *andyfloss2000Woman  over a year ago

ashford

What did one plate say to the other? Dinners on me to night!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

My son asked why the Star Wars movies came out 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3.....

I answered in my best Yoda voice; "in charge of scheduling, I was"

Winston

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *irtydevil666Man  over a year ago

bristol

The odds of curing an eating disorder through religion are slim to nun.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Lady Astor just moaned that I hadn't listened to a single word she'd said.

I thought, thats a weird way to start a conversation

Winston

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site) OP     over a year ago


"Lady Astor just moaned that I hadn't listened to a single word she'd said.

I thought, thats a weird way to start a conversation

Winston"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *ndrewmanc777Man  over a year ago

salford

I used to be a Werewolf but im all right Nowwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

2 for price of 1

My grief counsellor died last week....she was so good i did not give a shit

...

Got mugged by 6 dwarves last night....not happy

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Btw...so forgot to say if anyone wants a double entendre i will give them one

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site) OP     over a year ago

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.

I've lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *rAitchMan  over a year ago

Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe

Dad: "Son, if you keep wanking you're going to go blind."

Son: "Dad, I'm over here."

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Where do you take a cow on a date?

The mooooooovies

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


"My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.

I've lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange."

I went to a haunted bed and breakfast in France. I left.

The place was giving me the crepes.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *erverseintentionsMan  over a year ago

Liverpool

Kobe Bryant . The only African American male to take his child when he left.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site) OP     over a year ago


"My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.

I've lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.

I went to a haunted bed and breakfast in France. I left.

The place was giving me the crepes."

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Someone stole my trainers and hi vis the other day.

I thought you can run but you can’t hide

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site) OP     over a year ago


"Someone stole my trainers and hi vis the other day.

I thought you can run but you can’t hide "

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

What's brown and sticky?

A stick

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *uperjackMan  over a year ago

Bristol

If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site) OP     over a year ago


"If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler."

A clown held a door open for me today, I thought, “that’s a nice jester”

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *itty9899Man  over a year ago

Craggy Island

My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink…

No one listened, but he kept warning them until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the cinema.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *itty9899Man  over a year ago

Craggy Island

A man is washing the car with his son. The son asks…

“Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *erverseintentionsMan  over a year ago

Liverpool

I'm not saying your a slag .but even your underwear says "next"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

What cheese camouflages a horse in the fridge?

Mascarpone

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *eavenNhellCouple  over a year ago

carrbrook stalybridge

I hear Brighton is not good for bread...

but Hovis

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *uperjackMan  over a year ago

Bristol


"If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.

A clown held a door open for me today, I thought, “that’s a nice jester”"

An unemployed jester is nobody’s fool.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *uttyjonnMan  over a year ago

SEA


"If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.

A clown held a door open for me today, I thought, “that’s a nice jester”"

The clown at the fair got sacked, they are suing for funfair dismissal

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *itty9899Man  over a year ago

Craggy Island

I’ve spent the afternoon re-arranging the furniture in Dracula’s house. I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


"If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.

A clown held a door open for me today, I thought, “that’s a nice jester”

The clown at the fair got sacked, they are suing for funfair dismissal "

I tried to blow a clown once, tasted funny.

Lady Astor

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

What do you call a dog with no tongue??

Scruffy bollox

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *erverseintentionsMan  over a year ago

Liverpool

Why don't Mexico have an Olympic team ?

Because anyone who can run jump or swim is already across the border .

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site) OP     over a year ago


"If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.

A clown held a door open for me today, I thought, “that’s a nice jester”

The clown at the fair got sacked, they are suing for funfair dismissal

I tried to blow a clown once, tasted funny.

Lady Astor

"

Two cannibals are eating a Clown. One says to the other...

“Does this taste funny to you?”

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *ealthy_and_HungMan  over a year ago

Princes Risborough, Luasanne, Alderney

i just completed a jigsaw after 6 long hard months. i'm really chuffed with myself though because it said 3-5 years on the box.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *heLaserGuyMan  over a year ago

Coventry

Her : if you were my husband I'd poison your coffee.

Him: if you were my wife I'd drink it

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *WDomMan  over a year ago

Taunton

Why did the chicken cross the road?

- to get to the idiots house.

Knock knock

-who’s there?

The chicken

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *herri and her ChapstickCouple  over a year ago

stevenage

Oh my god! This has my husband all over it ffs lol

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *ocusMan  over a year ago

Cambridge

What did the slug say to the snail?

“Big Issue sir?”

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site) OP     over a year ago


"What did the slug say to the snail?

“Big Issue sir?”"

If a snail says he's not home, he's definitely lying!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *irtydevil666Man  over a year ago

bristol

Why is six afraid of seven?

Seven is a registered six offender.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *irtydevil666Man  over a year ago

bristol

My wife caught me wanking off to an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *irtydevil666Man  over a year ago

bristol

I recently came into a bunch of money. I usually use paper towels.....

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *irtydevil666Man  over a year ago

bristol

Husband: “Tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”

Wife: “Your dick is much bigger than your brother’s.”

Goodnight you have been a wonderful audience.....

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex.

They’re his watch dogs.

Winston

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site) OP     over a year ago


"My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex.

They’re his watch dogs.

Winston"

I saw a sign in a shop window that said "Watch batteries fitted, £2.50."

I thought “Why would anyone pay to see that?”

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes.

The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.”

“Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”

Winston

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


"My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex.

They’re his watch dogs.

Winston

I saw a sign in a shop window that said "Watch batteries fitted, £2.50."

I thought “Why would anyone pay to see that?”"

Winston

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *rAitchMan  over a year ago

Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe

I've got a dyslexia fetish.

It makes my spine stiff.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

What's the leading cause of dry skin?

Towels.

Winston

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *irtydevil666Man  over a year ago

bristol

A mosquito’s father became a divorce lawyer. He was already a bloodsucking parasite, all he needed was a briefcase......

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *orny PTMan  over a year ago

Peterborough

Why should I pay for rechargeable batteries, that have no power?

Surely there's no charge.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *ocusMan  over a year ago

Cambridge


"What did the slug say to the snail?

“Big Issue sir?”

If a snail says he's not home, he's definitely lying!

"

Properly loled at that

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site) OP     over a year ago


"What did the slug say to the snail?

“Big Issue sir?”

If a snail says he's not home, he's definitely lying!

Properly loled at that "

A man is at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. A few years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *yron69Man  over a year ago

Fareham

People are up in arms about the building of a new crematorium. Apparently it’s a burning issue..

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *yron69Man  over a year ago

Fareham

Why did the princess never marry? She preferred a series of one-knight stands..

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *areToShareCouple  over a year ago

Bingham

My wife complained I never buy her flowers.

To be fair, I didn't know she sold flowers!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *aitonelMan  over a year ago

Liverpool

I actually heard a really good dad joke the other day, and instantly thought of you!

I forgot which joke it was though...

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *yron69Man  over a year ago

Fareham

What plant is best positioned between 2 slices of bread?

A cheese plant.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

What happens if a cow drinks her own milk?

It comes in at one end and out of the udder.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site) OP     over a year ago


"I actually heard a really good dad joke the other day, and instantly thought of you!

I forgot which joke it was though... "

It makes me happy you thought of me in that context

It makes me sad that you forgot

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *hedark_knightMan  over a year ago

Edinburgh

What did one wall say to the other wall?

Meet me in the corner.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *al kalMan  over a year ago

london

How does a computer get d*unk?

It takes screen shots..

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *nimaginativeUsernameMan  over a year ago

Rochester, Kent

I went to the doctor and said ‘Doc, yesterday I woke up and I thought I was a wigwam. Then this morning I woke up and thought I was a Teepee’.

He said ‘ I know exactly what’s wrong with you. You’re two tents’.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation.

I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.

Winston

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *indergirlWoman  over a year ago

somewhere, someplace

Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they’re really good at it.

Why do elephants paint their balls red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

What is the loudest sound in the jungle?

Giraffes eating cherries.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *indergirlWoman  over a year ago

somewhere, someplace

The world's loudest masturbator has just been apprehended by police...

But he won't cum quietly.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

What do you do if you see a herd of elephant's cumming over a hill.

Swim for it

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *inister_SpinsterWoman  over a year ago

Manchester(ish).

How do you know there's an elephant in your fridge?

There's footprints in the butter.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

What do you find in a snooker table that you also find in a man's trousers?

Pockets.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *indergirlWoman  over a year ago

somewhere, someplace

What's Forrest Gump's computer password?

1forrest1

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *nselfishpleaserMan  over a year ago

kent


"Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they’re really good at it.

Why do elephants paint their balls red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

What is the loudest sound in the jungle?

Giraffes eating cherries. "

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *indergirlWoman  over a year ago

somewhere, someplace

What's E.T. short for?

Because he's only got little legs!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *indergirlWoman  over a year ago

somewhere, someplace

Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas?.....

Get them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *uke olovingmanMan  over a year ago

Gravesend

Q who's your favourite vampire

A the one on sesame Street

Q he doesn't count

A I think you'll find he does

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn’t like it.

Winston

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *ndtheswingersMan  over a year ago

colchester

Have you seen the new corduroy pillow cases?

They are making headlines

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *unhoneyCouple  over a year ago

Huddersfield

What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea ?

You wouldn't pay £50 to have a lentil on your face would you !

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *unhoneyCouple  over a year ago

Huddersfield

Disneyland divorce court judge, "Mickey you can't divorce Minnie just because she's got big teeth"

Mickey, "I didn't say she had big teeth, I said she was fucking Goofy"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *xploring2getherCouple  over a year ago

Desborough

William Shakespeare walks into a pub... the barman shouts, "Oi! You! You're Bard!"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *unhoneyCouple  over a year ago

Huddersfield

Why shouldn't you take the piss out of a dwarf with a learning difficulty ?

Because it's not big and it's not clever !

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


"Why shouldn't you take the piss out of a dwarf with a learning difficulty ?

Because it's not big and it's not clever ! "

I had a dwarf do some unpaid work for me...he always wanted paying under the table.

Also used to play poker with him but stopped...he always had a huge chip on his shoulder

#2for1tuesday

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


"I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn’t like it.

Winston"

I came.second in a winston churchhill lookalike.competition.....i was close but no cigar

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *ntrigued32Couple  over a year ago

Nottingham

Which type of bees produce milk?……

Boobies!!

D.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Just back from my positivity course....it was shit

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it becomes apparent…

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *orny PTMan  over a year ago

Peterborough


"People are up in arms about the building of a new crematorium. Apparently it’s a burning issue.."

Yeah, them NIMBYs and their placards that say "Over my dead body!"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *orny PTMan  over a year ago

Peterborough


"Which type of bees produce milk?……

Boobies!!

D."

38 Bs does a good job too.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *orny PTMan  over a year ago

Peterborough

Why is the Ester Bunny white?

It's not a bunny: it's an Artic Hare, that'll explain the Easter snowfalls.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *reamblueMan  over a year ago

London

What do you call a vampire with big shoulder blades?

Count Scapula

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

A father is teaching his boy how to pee in the toilet.

"OK son", he says. It's as easy as counting to 5.

1. Pull down your pants.

2. Pull back your foreskin.

3. Pee in the toilet.

4. Put your foreskin back.

5. Pull up your pants.

From then on, every time the boy goes to the toilet, he counts from 1 to 5. One day, the father noticed his son was taking quite some time in the toilet. He went to check on him and overheard his son saying "2,4,2,4,2,4,2,4".

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Seal walked into a club.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *al kalMan  over a year ago

london

My ex once asked if they were the only one in my life.

I said yes.

The rest have been 9's or 10's.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Went past a school the other day and on a sign post it said SLOW CHILDREN i thought that cant be good for they self esteem

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *ORDERMANMan  over a year ago

wrexham

Lad on holiday in Thailand..after a few days texts his mate back home

Saying weather here is just like your mam ..40 and hot

How's things doing back home..?

Mate texts back weather here just like your sister 18 and wet

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

I asked my girlfriend if I was the first man she'd ever slept with. She said you will be if I fall asleep.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *ORDERMANMan  over a year ago

wrexham

My mate asked if I wanted to go for a gin.....

Not sure where he was but I ended up spending hours in the forest looking for food

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

I spent last night shooting down flying saucers

I'm going out now to sweep up a mountain of sherbet

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *udley hotwife86Couple  over a year ago

DUDLEY

What does the horny toad say ?

Rub it rub it

What happened to the man who slipped on a bra ?

He fell into a booby trap

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *lceeWoman  over a year ago

Leeds

Why did the tomato blush?

.

.

.

.

.

Because he saw the salad dressing!

Still the greatest joke ever told.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Just so everyone is clear, I'm going to put my glasses on.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Why can’t you do stocktakes in Afghanistan?

Because of the Tally ban

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

I keep my guitar in the car now

It’s great for traffic jams

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

I cant belive how much my glasses weigh . Stepped on scales this morning said 13 stone , put my glasses on it said 18

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

I found Batman shampoo in the shop the other day but I couldn’t believe they didn’t have conditioner Gordon

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *tevecabra7Man  over a year ago

cabra

3 men in an attic which 1 works for the army ?

The 1 in the tank ??

What you call a homeless Italian man ?

Giovanni change ??

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *al kalMan  over a year ago

london

100 years ago most people rode horses and the rich droves cars.

Nowadays most drive cars and the rich ride horses.

How the stables have turned……

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

The Beach Boys walk into a bar.

“Round?”

“Round...”

“Get a round?”

“I’ll get a round...”

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *eniandMikeCouple  over a year ago

Edinburgh

What do you call a bad boxer who’s dad has the shits????

A slap happy chappy way a crap happy pappy!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

What did the pornstar and ghostbuster say to their girlfriend?

Bustin makes me feel good.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *an from UncleMan  over a year ago

ml1

Woman says to obnoxious guy, if I was married to you I would feed you poison

Guy says if I was married to you I'd take it

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Disney have announced plans to produce their first porn film, focusing on group sex and coprophilia. It's to be titled Pretty Shitty Gang Bang.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

For most of my life, I've helped people when they needed help. But do they call me Blair the helper? No.

For most of my life, I have given money and time to charity, but do they call me Blair the charitable? No.

Yet, just once, you shag one sheep....

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *andy and DannyCouple  over a year ago

Barnstaple


"What do you call a girl with tiles on her

head?"

roof ? Lol

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *orny PTMan  over a year ago

Peterborough


"What does the horny toad say ?

Rub it rub it

What happened to the man who slipped on a bra ?

He fell into a booby trap

"

This is now a gift card. Just search for Spike Miligan: booby trap/WW II joke.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *orny PTMan  over a year ago

Peterborough


"Disney have announced plans to produce their first porn film, focusing on group sex and coprophilia. It's to be titled Pretty Shitty Gang Bang."

Actually it's their second. Their first one was a live action film starring David Mac Pullin and the film was called Wanker in the Woods.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *ony tunnelMan  over a year ago

birkenhead

Mary had a little lamb,the doctor died of fright.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *orny PTMan  over a year ago

Peterborough


"Mary had a little lamb,the doctor died of fright."

Mary had a little lamb,

The doctor died of fright.

It had nothing to do

With the fact

That she was called

The shepherds' delight

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and ultimately I'm perfect!

Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *echnosonic_BrummieMan  over a year ago

Willenhall

I was in the loo on the train this morning having a shit. Suddenly, a voice called out: "Can I see your ticket, please?"

"Not right now." I replied, "I'm having a shit."

"I don't believe you" Said the voice, "slide it under the door."

"No probs" I replied, "the yellow bits are sweetcorn..."

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *nimaginativeUsernameMan  over a year ago

Rochester, Kent


"I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and ultimately I'm perfect!

Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces."

I’m saving that

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *echnosonic_BrummieMan  over a year ago

Willenhall

I've just put all my old dogging equipment up for sale on eBay.

I haven't had any bids yet, but I've got 12 watchers.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site) OP     over a year ago


"I've just put all my old dogging equipment up for sale on eBay.

I haven't had any bids yet, but I've got 12 watchers."

Love it, stole it

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *orny PTMan  over a year ago

Peterborough

That would make a brilliant (Range) Rover advert.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Have you ever tried to catch a fog?

I tried yesterday but I mist…

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Used to be addicted to swimming but gave it up.....happy to say i have been dry for two years now

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site) OP     over a year ago

My 6-year-old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill.

Looks like she's preparing some kind of

barbie queue.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

The most horrible building in our town was the VD clinic. When it was torn down, everyone was clapping.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still, no eye deer.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *usiclover84Man  over a year ago

Birmingham

I can't believe how much the price of bouncy castles has gone up by since last year. That's inflation for you

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


"What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still, no eye deer. "

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no balls?

Still, no fucking, eye deer.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

There's a new restaurant opening up on the high street called Karma. There isn't a menu, you just get what you deserve.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


"What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still, no eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no balls?

Still, no fucking, eye deer."

What do you call a legless, copulating, eyeless deer.

Still, fucking, no eye deer

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *yron69Man  over a year ago

Fareham

My boat got sunk by a storm at anchor but I’m not harbouring any bad feeling about it..

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Can you believe I was thrown out of my church for claiming Jesus spoke with a lisp.

It was a real slap in the faith

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *aitonelMan  over a year ago

Liverpool

I asked my girlfriend if I was the only one she had been with.

She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

My friend was in hospital recently and for a while it was Touch and Go. Luckily hes been moved off the premature ejaculation ward now!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *orny PTMan  over a year ago

Peterborough


"What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still, no eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no balls, comatose after supping a shedload of Swedish vodka?

Absolut-ly, still, no fucking, eye deer.

What do you call a legless, copulating, eyeless deer.

Still, fucking, no eye deer

"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *ilverjagMan  over a year ago

swansea

One that you girls can use for a reply to some of your undesirable messages:-

You remind me of a woodpecker without a break.... A head banger.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *ussle SproutMan  over a year ago

the middle

What do you call a shoe made of a banana?

A slipper!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


" What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no balls, comatose after supping a shedload of Swedish vodka?

Absolut-ly, still, no fucking, eye deer.

"

Still, absolut-ly, no fucking, eye deer

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

My son asked me, “dad, when should I use a condom?”

I replied, “every conceivable occasion.”

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


"

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no balls, comatose after supping a shedload of Swedish vodka?

Absolut-ly, still, no fucking, eye deer.

Still, absolut-ly, no fucking, no eye deer "

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *orny PTMan  over a year ago

Peterborough

There is a sign in the village of Condom, France that tells people leaving the village to please-come-again.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


"There is a sign in the village of Condom, France that tells people leaving the village to please-come-again."

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

My doctor said that I might die because I accidentally consumed clay.

I’m shitting bricks to be honest.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *orny PTMan  over a year ago

Peterborough


"My doctor said that I might die because I accidentally consumed clay.

I’m shitting bricks to be honest."

If you drank liquid cement, you would have just been stöned,

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *orny PTMan  over a year ago

Peterborough

I was going to write a book about online rabbit holes, but I'll do it just after this YT video.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Started the new whiskey diet....lost 3days already

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *he AmbassadorMan  over a year ago

IRLANDA. / Prague. / Cil Dara


"Hit me with them please "

Quote,,

I 2 was a man trapped inside a womans body,,

But then I was born....

Chuck Norris.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *obletonMan  over a year ago

A Home Among The Woodland Creatures

I used to be addicted to doing the hokey y

luckily I managed to turn myself around

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

 

By *obletonMan  over a year ago

A Home Among The Woodland Creatures

When I was a kid my dad got fired from his road building job for theft.

I refused to beleive it, but the signs were there

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

  

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

I hate street performers.

But then again I’m a mime artist, so I can’t talk.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

0.5937

0