FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Your best dad jokes
Your best dad jokes
Jump to: Newest in thread
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
Hit me with them please |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I'll ask him when he gets back .. he went to get ciggies 20 years ago.. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
5/4 people admit to being bad with fractions.
two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks
Whats brown and sticky? a stick
what was the name of the emperor penguin? Julius Freezer
RIP boiled water. You will be mist.
I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show i've ever seen.
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"5/4 people admit to being bad with fractions.
two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks
Whats brown and sticky? a stick
what was the name of the emperor penguin? Julius Freezer
RIP boiled water. You will be mist.
I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show i've ever seen.
"
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Him: ‘I was going to tell you a joke about my cock, but it’s too long’
Her: ‘That’s a coincidence. I was going to tell you a joke about my pussy, but you’ll never get it’ |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
What do you call a man with no arms and legs? |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Him: ‘I was going to tell you a joke about my cock, but it’s too long’
Her: ‘That’s a coincidence. I was going to tell you a joke about my pussy, but you’ll never get it’"
That did make me laugh |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
an invisible man married and invisible woman. the kids where nothing to look at either.
I've just been diagnosed as being colour-blind. I know, it certainly came out of the purple to me.
You can't have a nose 12" long, otherwise it would be called a foot..
I told my friend she drew her eyebrows too high. she seemed surprised
I told my doctor that I had broken my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger. Then it hit me. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I bought a thesaurus the other day and when I got home and looked at it every single page was blank, I have no words to say how upset I am |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
The inventor of the Velcro has died.
RIP. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
What do you call a girl with tiles on her
head? |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Lady Astor is blaming me for ruining her birthday, which is utterly ridiculous, I didn't even know it was her birthday.
Winston |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *axx82Man
over a year ago
Gloucester |
[Removed by poster at 03/04/22 09:00:43] |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
My dog ate some scrabble tiles the other day, and now he’s leaving me little messages all over the house. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
When my grandma died, I had her cremated and put her ashes in a trophy that said "World's Best Grandma."
She urned it. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
have a fear of speed bumps. I’m slowly getting over it.
I have a fear of elevators, but I’ve started taking steps to avoid it.
Winston |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I farted in a lift once
It was wrong on so many levels |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *yronMan
over a year ago
grangemouth |
Do mascara and lipstick ever argue? Yes, but then they do make up. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Before I left for music college, my dad said to me: “Remember, it’s better to have lobsters in your piano, than crabs on your organ.” |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I met the chap who invented window sills yesterday.
What a ledge. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *yronMan
over a year ago
grangemouth |
I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?
Fucks funny.
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
I was attacked by a bloke with a power tool last night, there I was minding my own business and then BOSCH |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What do you call a field of cows that are all masturbating?
Beef strokin’ off. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What did one plate say to the other? Dinners on me to night! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
My son asked why the Star Wars movies came out 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3.....
I answered in my best Yoda voice; "in charge of scheduling, I was"
Winston |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
The odds of curing an eating disorder through religion are slim to nun.
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Lady Astor just moaned that I hadn't listened to a single word she'd said.
I thought, thats a weird way to start a conversation
Winston |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Lady Astor just moaned that I hadn't listened to a single word she'd said.
I thought, thats a weird way to start a conversation
Winston"
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I used to be a Werewolf but im all right Nowwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
2 for price of 1
My grief counsellor died last week....she was so good i did not give a shit
...
Got mugged by 6 dwarves last night....not happy |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Btw...so forgot to say if anyone wants a double entendre i will give them one |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I've lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *rAitchMan
over a year ago
Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe |
Dad: "Son, if you keep wanking you're going to go blind."
Son: "Dad, I'm over here." |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Where do you take a cow on a date?
The mooooooovies |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I've lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange."
I went to a haunted bed and breakfast in France. I left.
The place was giving me the crepes. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Kobe Bryant . The only African American male to take his child when he left. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I've lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
I went to a haunted bed and breakfast in France. I left.
The place was giving me the crepes."
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Someone stole my trainers and hi vis the other day.
I thought you can run but you can’t hide |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Someone stole my trainers and hi vis the other day.
I thought you can run but you can’t hide "
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
What's brown and sticky?
A stick |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler."
A clown held a door open for me today, I thought, “that’s a nice jester” |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *itty9899Man
over a year ago
Craggy Island |
My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink…
No one listened, but he kept warning them until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the cinema. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *itty9899Man
over a year ago
Craggy Island |
A man is washing the car with his son. The son asks…
“Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?” |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I'm not saying your a slag .but even your underwear says "next" |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
What cheese camouflages a horse in the fridge?
Mascarpone
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *eavenNhellCouple
over a year ago
carrbrook stalybridge |
I hear Brighton is not good for bread...
but Hovis |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.
A clown held a door open for me today, I thought, “that’s a nice jester”"
An unemployed jester is nobody’s fool. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.
A clown held a door open for me today, I thought, “that’s a nice jester”"
The clown at the fair got sacked, they are suing for funfair dismissal |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *itty9899Man
over a year ago
Craggy Island |
I’ve spent the afternoon re-arranging the furniture in Dracula’s house. I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.
A clown held a door open for me today, I thought, “that’s a nice jester”
The clown at the fair got sacked, they are suing for funfair dismissal "
I tried to blow a clown once, tasted funny.
Lady Astor
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
What do you call a dog with no tongue??
Scruffy bollox |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Why don't Mexico have an Olympic team ?
Because anyone who can run jump or swim is already across the border . |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.
A clown held a door open for me today, I thought, “that’s a nice jester”
The clown at the fair got sacked, they are suing for funfair dismissal
I tried to blow a clown once, tasted funny.
Lady Astor
"
Two cannibals are eating a Clown. One says to the other...
“Does this taste funny to you?” |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
i just completed a jigsaw after 6 long hard months. i'm really chuffed with myself though because it said 3-5 years on the box. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Her : if you were my husband I'd poison your coffee.
Him: if you were my wife I'd drink it
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *WDomMan
over a year ago
Taunton |
Why did the chicken cross the road?
- to get to the idiots house.
Knock knock
-who’s there?
The chicken |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Oh my god! This has my husband all over it ffs lol |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *ocusMan
over a year ago
Cambridge |
What did the slug say to the snail?
“Big Issue sir?” |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"What did the slug say to the snail?
“Big Issue sir?”"
If a snail says he's not home, he's definitely lying!
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Why is six afraid of seven?
Seven is a registered six offender. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
My wife caught me wanking off to an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I recently came into a bunch of money. I usually use paper towels..... |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Husband: “Tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”
Wife: “Your dick is much bigger than your brother’s.”
Goodnight you have been a wonderful audience..... |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Winston |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Winston"
I saw a sign in a shop window that said "Watch batteries fitted, £2.50."
I thought “Why would anyone pay to see that?” |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes.
The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.”
“Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”
Winston |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Winston
I saw a sign in a shop window that said "Watch batteries fitted, £2.50."
I thought “Why would anyone pay to see that?”"
Winston |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *rAitchMan
over a year ago
Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe |
I've got a dyslexia fetish.
It makes my spine stiff. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
What's the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
Winston |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
A mosquito’s father became a divorce lawyer. He was already a bloodsucking parasite, all he needed was a briefcase......
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
Why should I pay for rechargeable batteries, that have no power?
Surely there's no charge. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *ocusMan
over a year ago
Cambridge |
"What did the slug say to the snail?
“Big Issue sir?”
If a snail says he's not home, he's definitely lying!
"
Properly loled at that |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"What did the slug say to the snail?
“Big Issue sir?”
If a snail says he's not home, he's definitely lying!
Properly loled at that "
A man is at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. A few years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about? |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *yron69Man
over a year ago
Fareham |
People are up in arms about the building of a new crematorium. Apparently it’s a burning issue.. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *yron69Man
over a year ago
Fareham |
Why did the princess never marry? She preferred a series of one-knight stands.. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
My wife complained I never buy her flowers.
To be fair, I didn't know she sold flowers! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *aitonelMan
over a year ago
Liverpool |
I actually heard a really good dad joke the other day, and instantly thought of you!
I forgot which joke it was though... |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *yron69Man
over a year ago
Fareham |
What plant is best positioned between 2 slices of bread?
A cheese plant. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
What happens if a cow drinks her own milk?
It comes in at one end and out of the udder. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I actually heard a really good dad joke the other day, and instantly thought of you!
I forgot which joke it was though... "
It makes me happy you thought of me in that context
It makes me sad that you forgot |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What did one wall say to the other wall?
Meet me in the corner. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *al kalMan
over a year ago
london |
How does a computer get d*unk?
It takes screen shots.. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I went to the doctor and said ‘Doc, yesterday I woke up and I thought I was a wigwam. Then this morning I woke up and thought I was a Teepee’.
He said ‘ I know exactly what’s wrong with you. You’re two tents’. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation.
I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.
Winston |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *indergirlWoman
over a year ago
somewhere, someplace |
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re really good at it.
Why do elephants paint their balls red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.
What is the loudest sound in the jungle?
Giraffes eating cherries. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *indergirlWoman
over a year ago
somewhere, someplace |
The world's loudest masturbator has just been apprehended by police...
But he won't cum quietly. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
What do you do if you see a herd of elephant's cumming over a hill.
Swim for it |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
How do you know there's an elephant in your fridge?
There's footprints in the butter. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
What do you find in a snooker table that you also find in a man's trousers?
Pockets. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *indergirlWoman
over a year ago
somewhere, someplace |
What's Forrest Gump's computer password?
1forrest1 |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re really good at it.
Why do elephants paint their balls red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.
What is the loudest sound in the jungle?
Giraffes eating cherries. "
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *indergirlWoman
over a year ago
somewhere, someplace |
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's only got little legs! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *indergirlWoman
over a year ago
somewhere, someplace |
Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas?.....
Get them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Q who's your favourite vampire
A the one on sesame Street
Q he doesn't count
A I think you'll find he does |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn’t like it.
Winston |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Have you seen the new corduroy pillow cases?
They are making headlines |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *unhoneyCouple
over a year ago
Huddersfield |
What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea ?
You wouldn't pay £50 to have a lentil on your face would you ! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *unhoneyCouple
over a year ago
Huddersfield |
Disneyland divorce court judge, "Mickey you can't divorce Minnie just because she's got big teeth"
Mickey, "I didn't say she had big teeth, I said she was fucking Goofy" |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
William Shakespeare walks into a pub... the barman shouts, "Oi! You! You're Bard!" |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *unhoneyCouple
over a year ago
Huddersfield |
Why shouldn't you take the piss out of a dwarf with a learning difficulty ?
Because it's not big and it's not clever ! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Why shouldn't you take the piss out of a dwarf with a learning difficulty ?
Because it's not big and it's not clever ! "
I had a dwarf do some unpaid work for me...he always wanted paying under the table.
Also used to play poker with him but stopped...he always had a huge chip on his shoulder
#2for1tuesday |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn’t like it.
Winston"
I came.second in a winston churchhill lookalike.competition.....i was close but no cigar |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Which type of bees produce milk?……
Boobies!!
D. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Just back from my positivity course....it was shit |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent… |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
"People are up in arms about the building of a new crematorium. Apparently it’s a burning issue.."
Yeah, them NIMBYs and their placards that say "Over my dead body!" |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
"Which type of bees produce milk?……
Boobies!!
D."
38 Bs does a good job too. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
Why is the Ester Bunny white?
It's not a bunny: it's an Artic Hare, that'll explain the Easter snowfalls. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What do you call a vampire with big shoulder blades?
Count Scapula |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
A father is teaching his boy how to pee in the toilet.
"OK son", he says. It's as easy as counting to 5.
1. Pull down your pants.
2. Pull back your foreskin.
3. Pee in the toilet.
4. Put your foreskin back.
5. Pull up your pants.
From then on, every time the boy goes to the toilet, he counts from 1 to 5. One day, the father noticed his son was taking quite some time in the toilet. He went to check on him and overheard his son saying "2,4,2,4,2,4,2,4". |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *al kalMan
over a year ago
london |
My ex once asked if they were the only one in my life.
I said yes.
The rest have been 9's or 10's. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Went past a school the other day and on a sign post it said SLOW CHILDREN i thought that cant be good for they self esteem |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Lad on holiday in Thailand..after a few days texts his mate back home
Saying weather here is just like your mam ..40 and hot
How's things doing back home..?
Mate texts back weather here just like your sister 18 and wet |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I asked my girlfriend if I was the first man she'd ever slept with. She said you will be if I fall asleep. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
My mate asked if I wanted to go for a gin.....
Not sure where he was but I ended up spending hours in the forest looking for food |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I spent last night shooting down flying saucers
I'm going out now to sweep up a mountain of sherbet |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What does the horny toad say ?
Rub it rub it
What happened to the man who slipped on a bra ?
He fell into a booby trap
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *lceeWoman
over a year ago
Leeds |
Why did the tomato blush?
.
.
.
.
.
Because he saw the salad dressing!
Still the greatest joke ever told. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Just so everyone is clear, I'm going to put my glasses on. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Why can’t you do stocktakes in Afghanistan?
Because of the Tally ban |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I keep my guitar in the car now
It’s great for traffic jams |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I cant belive how much my glasses weigh . Stepped on scales this morning said 13 stone , put my glasses on it said 18 |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I found Batman shampoo in the shop the other day but I couldn’t believe they didn’t have conditioner Gordon |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
3 men in an attic which 1 works for the army ?
The 1 in the tank ??
What you call a homeless Italian man ?
Giovanni change ?? |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *al kalMan
over a year ago
london |
100 years ago most people rode horses and the rich droves cars.
Nowadays most drive cars and the rich ride horses.
How the stables have turned…… |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
The Beach Boys walk into a bar.
“Round?”
“Round...”
“Get a round?”
“I’ll get a round...” |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What do you call a bad boxer who’s dad has the shits????
A slap happy chappy way a crap happy pappy! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
What did the pornstar and ghostbuster say to their girlfriend?
Bustin makes me feel good. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Woman says to obnoxious guy, if I was married to you I would feed you poison
Guy says if I was married to you I'd take it |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Disney have announced plans to produce their first porn film, focusing on group sex and coprophilia. It's to be titled Pretty Shitty Gang Bang. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
For most of my life, I've helped people when they needed help. But do they call me Blair the helper? No.
For most of my life, I have given money and time to charity, but do they call me Blair the charitable? No.
Yet, just once, you shag one sheep.... |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"What do you call a girl with tiles on her
head?" roof ? Lol |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
"What does the horny toad say ?
Rub it rub it
What happened to the man who slipped on a bra ?
He fell into a booby trap
"
This is now a gift card. Just search for Spike Miligan: booby trap/WW II joke. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
"Disney have announced plans to produce their first porn film, focusing on group sex and coprophilia. It's to be titled Pretty Shitty Gang Bang."
Actually it's their second. Their first one was a live action film starring David Mac Pullin and the film was called Wanker in the Woods. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Mary had a little lamb,the doctor died of fright. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
"Mary had a little lamb,the doctor died of fright."
Mary had a little lamb,
The doctor died of fright.
It had nothing to do
With the fact
That she was called
The shepherds' delight |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and ultimately I'm perfect!
Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I was in the loo on the train this morning having a shit. Suddenly, a voice called out: "Can I see your ticket, please?"
"Not right now." I replied, "I'm having a shit."
"I don't believe you" Said the voice, "slide it under the door."
"No probs" I replied, "the yellow bits are sweetcorn..." |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and ultimately I'm perfect!
Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces."
I’m saving that |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I've just put all my old dogging equipment up for sale on eBay.
I haven't had any bids yet, but I've got 12 watchers. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I've just put all my old dogging equipment up for sale on eBay.
I haven't had any bids yet, but I've got 12 watchers."
Love it, stole it |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
That would make a brilliant (Range) Rover advert. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Have you ever tried to catch a fog?
I tried yesterday but I mist… |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Used to be addicted to swimming but gave it up.....happy to say i have been dry for two years now |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
My 6-year-old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill.
Looks like she's preparing some kind of
barbie queue. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
The most horrible building in our town was the VD clinic. When it was torn down, everyone was clapping. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still, no eye deer. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I can't believe how much the price of bouncy castles has gone up by since last year. That's inflation for you |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still, no eye deer. "
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no balls?
Still, no fucking, eye deer. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
There's a new restaurant opening up on the high street called Karma. There isn't a menu, you just get what you deserve. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still, no eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no balls?
Still, no fucking, eye deer."
What do you call a legless, copulating, eyeless deer.
Still, fucking, no eye deer
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *yron69Man
over a year ago
Fareham |
My boat got sunk by a storm at anchor but I’m not harbouring any bad feeling about it.. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Can you believe I was thrown out of my church for claiming Jesus spoke with a lisp.
It was a real slap in the faith |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *aitonelMan
over a year ago
Liverpool |
I asked my girlfriend if I was the only one she had been with.
She said yes, all the others were nines and tens. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
My friend was in hospital recently and for a while it was Touch and Go. Luckily hes been moved off the premature ejaculation ward now! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
"What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still, no eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no balls, comatose after supping a shedload of Swedish vodka?
Absolut-ly, still, no fucking, eye deer.
What do you call a legless, copulating, eyeless deer.
Still, fucking, no eye deer
" |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
One that you girls can use for a reply to some of your undesirable messages:-
You remind me of a woodpecker without a break.... A head banger. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What do you call a shoe made of a banana?
A slipper! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
" What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no balls, comatose after supping a shedload of Swedish vodka?
Absolut-ly, still, no fucking, eye deer.
"
Still, absolut-ly, no fucking, eye deer |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
My son asked me, “dad, when should I use a condom?”
I replied, “every conceivable occasion.” |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no balls, comatose after supping a shedload of Swedish vodka?
Absolut-ly, still, no fucking, eye deer.
Still, absolut-ly, no fucking, no eye deer "
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
There is a sign in the village of Condom, France that tells people leaving the village to please-come-again. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"There is a sign in the village of Condom, France that tells people leaving the village to please-come-again." |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
My doctor said that I might die because I accidentally consumed clay.
I’m shitting bricks to be honest. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
"My doctor said that I might die because I accidentally consumed clay.
I’m shitting bricks to be honest."
If you drank liquid cement, you would have just been stöned, |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
I was going to write a book about online rabbit holes, but I'll do it just after this YT video. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Started the new whiskey diet....lost 3days already |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"Hit me with them please "
Quote,,
I 2 was a man trapped inside a womans body,,
But then I was born....
Chuck Norris. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *obletonMan
over a year ago
A Home Among The Woodland Creatures |
I used to be addicted to doing the hokey y
luckily I managed to turn myself around |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *obletonMan
over a year ago
A Home Among The Woodland Creatures |
When I was a kid my dad got fired from his road building job for theft.
I refused to beleive it, but the signs were there |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I hate street performers.
But then again I’m a mime artist, so I can’t talk. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |