FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > I'll just try asking outright
I'll just try asking outright
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I've been talking with a friend about my general lack of success at actual sexual meets. I have friends and go to socials, I believe that I'm moderately well known in the lounge. I visit clubs, less frequently now and a long gap during the pandemic, but still.
What I don't actually do is find people that want to be sexual partners. I know that women who like trans women are very much a minority, and my age is against me, but is the problem that I just find it very difficult to outright ask? I sit pretty on the sidelines hoping that someone will approach me. If someone does start talking to me I assume that they might enjoy a chat but never that they might want to shag me silly. And I gradually lose confidence and belief in myself, and it becomes even harder to think that I might just be desirable to someone instead of just being a curiosity.
So perhaps I should just try asking outright: If there are any of you that find me sexually attractive, that might want to get together and see what happens, perhaps someone where we've exchanged vague "must meet for coffee" but then you expected me to make the move - let me know. Or don't, and then I might get the message that I just ought to come to terms with being who I am and how I am. |
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I wish I could wholey sympathise with you Polly, but I can only sympathise partially. All I can really do is offer you luck in finding what you want, you are a good person and you deserve some happiness. |
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"I've been talking with a friend about my general lack of success at actual sexual meets. I have friends and go to socials, I believe that I'm moderately well known in the lounge. I visit clubs, less frequently now and a long gap during the pandemic, but still.
What I don't actually do is find people that want to be sexual partners. I know that women who like trans women are very much a minority, and my age is against me, but is the problem that I just find it very difficult to outright ask? I sit pretty on the sidelines hoping that someone will approach me. If someone does start talking to me I assume that they might enjoy a chat but never that they might want to shag me silly. And I gradually lose confidence and belief in myself, and it becomes even harder to think that I might just be desirable to someone instead of just being a curiosity.
So perhaps I should just try asking outright: If there are any of you that find me sexually attractive, that might want to get together and see what happens, perhaps someone where we've exchanged vague "must meet for coffee" but then you expected me to make the move - let me know. Or don't, and then I might get the message that I just ought to come to terms with being who I am and how I am."
I totally recognise your thinking here, it resonates. But using experience (especially back in the days of meeting women in night clubs) is probably a more scientific guide than my fear. I started to discover if I got that feeling right and was outright they'd quite often end up going home with me. Now being a little on the spectrum it's often hard for me to recognise if someone fancies me unless the lay it on a bit thick. So chances are if I was feeling it, it was probably there. Now the thing is once you realise this approach is genuinely going well you grow in confidence and our more empowered to be more outright. So based on evidence yes you should. Having said that sometimes, especially in a swingers club alone I still sometimes kick myself for not being more outright when getting on and liking someone. I should take a leaf out of my own book from my youth.
Also I would say we often underestimate how much others in the swinger environment are likewise lack in confidence and being outright. Especially because many of us mask it well. Often we see an awkward school disco vibe in clubs. So you can rely on other parties making the first move. All you can do is make your own luck. And if it's a no, no problem, no judgment in our world as we understand we're generally all there to find opportunities for sexual interaction.
The only caveat (not knowing you) is the above relies on the quality of your judgement of the vibe and the way you go about asking.
Mr |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It pays to just be as forward as you feel you can be I’d suggest. Personally I have absolutely no idea if someone likes me or not I’m terrible at reading clues and signals. So I appreciate the clarity.
Try being more direct but it’s no reflection on you if you aren’t successful first time, you’ll find the right ones soon enough sweetie |
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You know I adore you Polly but this is a very niche market in a pond of majority men. Are there not other groups and sites focussing on trans admirers? This place is lovely for friendship but is it the best place for what you seek?  |
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Polly, we've met a number of times socially now. As you knew from the off, I'm a straight woman who has no interest in other women, we've had many a fun night out.
However, I'm sorry to say this but I feel I can because I know you well, I'm not sure FAB is the best place for you. We first met last year off the back of a similar thread you posted as it affected me that you were so sad and lonely. But here we are, 8 months later and you're still in the same mindset.
As you say, you probably are more niche than fab can cater to, so would a more appropriate website be the way to go? Also, lots of single guys on here profess the same issue. The advice would be the same, if it ain't working be more proactive.
I just feel these threads of yours, cry from the heart though they may be, will be misconstrued by many on here and could lead to less contact for you.
Take care Polly & I really hope you find what you're looking for - as I hope we all do  |
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"Do you want to normalise and fit in or standout like a sore thumb.
Personally, unless it's a party, ditch the wigs. "
Why should she?
This also shows you haven't bothered to read her profile, which explains the wonderful vibrancy that is Polly.
Polly, fab and swinging can be hard work for many. As a trans woman interested mainly in women it's a much smaller pool and as another poster has suggested, other sites may work better for you.
In the meantime try to stay positive and enjoy life. |
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"Do you want to normalise and fit in or standout like a sore thumb.
Personally, unless it's a party, ditch the wigs. "
My newer photos do show my own hair, which is fully grown out. That said, I still get people asking me what's happened to my bright hair. In any case, normalise and fit in? Nah, that's something that transphobes keep telling us to do, to fit in and preferably vanish completely. I've never been interested in "fitting in" or following trends during any phase of my life, and IMHO nobody else should either.
I might be a bit of a wallflower when it comes to approaching women about sex, but I'll never be someone that is invisible. |
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"You know I adore you Polly but this is a very niche market in a pond of majority men. Are there not other groups and sites focussing on trans admirers? This place is lovely for friendship but is it the best place for what you seek? "
Pretty well every site I've ever found that is aimed at trans women and their admirers, the admirers are all men who want to use us as cum buckets. Think the worst of the men on fab, but most of these won't even be seen in public with you as they are ashamed of their impulses. At least fab is a place where friendships can be made, and TBH for me a friendship is worth more than an infinite number of back alleyway fucks where they want to get rid of you the instant that they have cum. [Yes, a bit blunt, but I think that most other trans women on fab will have had some experience of this even if they have ultimately been lucky enough to find some who do appreciate them as real people.] |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Do you want to normalise and fit in or standout like a sore thumb.
Personally, unless it's a party, ditch the wigs.
My newer photos do show my own hair, which is fully grown out. That said, I still get people asking me what's happened to my bright hair. In any case, normalise and fit in? Nah, that's something that transphobes keep telling us to do, to fit in and preferably vanish completely. I've never been interested in "fitting in" or following trends during any phase of my life, and IMHO nobody else should either.
I might be a bit of a wallflower when it comes to approaching women about sex, but I'll never be someone that is invisible."
Your rainbow hair is awesome. Don't ever be invisible. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You know I adore you Polly but this is a very niche market in a pond of majority men. Are there not other groups and sites focussing on trans admirers? This place is lovely for friendship but is it the best place for what you seek?
Pretty well every site I've ever found that is aimed at trans women and their admirers, the admirers are all men who want to use us as cum buckets. Think the worst of the men on fab, but most of these won't even be seen in public with you as they are ashamed of their impulses. At least fab is a place where friendships can be made, and TBH for me a friendship is worth more than an infinite number of back alleyway fucks where they want to get rid of you the instant that they have cum. [Yes, a bit blunt, but I think that most other trans women on fab will have had some experience of this even if they have ultimately been lucky enough to find some who do appreciate them as real people.]"
I’ve had quite the opposite experience on trans sites, including dating several guys who became good friends. Nothing hidden about it. But I’ve zero patience or interest in anyone who won’t meet me publically anyway. You just need to filter them out. |
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"You know I adore you Polly but this is a very niche market in a pond of majority men. Are there not other groups and sites focussing on trans admirers? This place is lovely for friendship but is it the best place for what you seek?
Pretty well every site I've ever found that is aimed at trans women and their admirers, the admirers are all men who want to use us as cum buckets. Think the worst of the men on fab, but most of these won't even be seen in public with you as they are ashamed of their impulses. At least fab is a place where friendships can be made, and TBH for me a friendship is worth more than an infinite number of back alleyway fucks where they want to get rid of you the instant that they have cum. [Yes, a bit blunt, but I think that most other trans women on fab will have had some experience of this even if they have ultimately been lucky enough to find some who do appreciate them as real people.]"
I think that’s the point.. this place will give you great friends. But it’s unlikely any straight woman will develop a sexual interest in a trans woman even though you, as a lesbian trans woman, may have an interest in them. It’s must be incredibly difficult and I can’t imagine.. I’m not sure what the answer is as the trans nights and admirers do seem to be aimed towards men. There must be other trans lesbians that have the same issue… x
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"What a difficult dilemma. The amount of pan sexual women in your area must be vanishingly small."
Or they are there but I'm just not picking up on signals from them (I do have some neurodiverse traits, insofar as not being exactly neurotypical, though nothing diagnosed or that I would say fits me into any of the "normal" neurodiverse categories [urghh, big apologies to all who I know are going to be offended by my terminology here, I just don't know how this should be properly phrased, I can only hope you all understand what I'm trying to get at and can forgive me]).
Which is why I came back to the idea of just putting it out in public how I feel and hoping for equally blunt replies. |
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"What a difficult dilemma. The amount of pan sexual women in your area must be vanishingly small.
Or they are there but I'm just not picking up on signals from them (I do have some neurodiverse traits, insofar as not being exactly neurotypical, though nothing diagnosed or that I would say fits me into any of the "normal" neurodiverse categories [urghh, big apologies to all who I know are going to be offended by my terminology here, I just don't know how this should be properly phrased, I can only hope you all understand what I'm trying to get at and can forgive me]).
Which is why I came back to the idea of just putting it out in public how I feel and hoping for equally blunt replies."
Maybe it’s more a question of working out sexual orientation early doors.. then at least you know who’s an option or not.. it’s much easier to discuss that at first than asking if someone’s attracted.. |
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