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Family + polyamory = heartbreak (and not the romantic kind)
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By *acey_Red OP Woman
over a year ago
Liverpool |
Hey. I think I just need a little vent somewhere fairly anonymous but familiar enough.
So some of you who have known me around here will know I'm polyamorous and I have two partners. I'm very fortunate that my family have been pretty accepting. The person I was most nervous about telling was my mum but it went surprisingly well at the time. Or at least I thought it did. She told me she didn't really get it but as long as I was happy which honestly I think was the best reaction I could have hoped for. We left things on a fairly jokey and light hearted note and haven't really spoken much about it since. That's pretty typical with my mum, we don't really have a relationship with a lot of emotional sharing which was one of the reasons it was so hard to tell her. Honestly I was over the moon with the reaction I got.
Well, I'm turning 30 fairly soon and today I've received a call from my mum to say she's been thinking about it and she isn't going to come because she's uncomfortable with both my partners being there. I'm honestly pretty heartbroken. I'm fine with her not getting it and I could even cope with her not liking it but it honestly breaks my heart that she's not willing to be uncomfortable for a few hours for the sake of my birthday. Especially such a big one. Especially when I spent so long tolerating her partner who she moved in in my late teens who has caused so much family drama. I know it's not the same. I've just always felt that sometimes you deal with situations you don't like for the sake of the people you love and it hurts that she doesn't feel the same.
I know I'm very fortunate the rest of my family is so accepting and many people aren't as fortunate but it really does hurt and feels like a rejection of who I am. My relationship with my mum has never been totally ideal but this is an even bigger blow. Now I'm left wondering if I'm always going to be left choosing between my mum and my partner or if she's going to excuse herself from any other life events. I'm not really totally sure what I'm expecting by posting this here, I'm just feeling a lot of things and need to get it out I guess. Please be gentle with me. |
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By *.L.0460.Woman
over a year ago
Bognor Regis |
We only get one life- you've found a way to be happy & you're hurting no one. I'm so sorry that your Mum's principles are putting a barrier between the two of you, but that's entirely on her, not you.
We can't make people be ok with our choices & unfortunately we have to find a way to tolerate theirs.
Try not to let it spoil your Birthday- be grateful for those around you that are happy to accept you- it's tough, but a situation with my Mum nearly broke me when she disowned me for living with my husband before marriage. I've had to grow to accept her, although I'll never forget her treatment, I have to let go of the hurt, because it's detrimental to me more than her xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think we sometimes crave acceptance from those that we know are least likely to give it
Sorry you feel shit
You are living your life and you are happy with it
It would be nice if everyone accepted it, yet sometimes it isn't to be
Look at how many positives you have in life
If they outstrip the negatives, you are onto a winner, but you will always come across situations that cut you to the quick |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I’m so sorry for you OP will admit that I don’t properly get being polyamorous ended badly when I tried it.
But this is your mum shes supposed to always be there for you and at least try to accept your life decisions as I see you have tried and actually done for her.
Shes in the wrong here from what I can tell but I do hope it never comes to you having to choose between the two.
Feel free to vent as much as you need to on here or in private.Sending my best |
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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago
Travelling |
I always find situations like this difficult to full grasp the scope of where I sit with my views.
In no way do I completely agree with your mum. But I can empathise to a degree of her (potentially) still adjusting and figuring it out in her own mind. She certainly can be much more supportive indeed, and I wish she were being but I can still see her situation
It's a curse of mine being able to empathise, even if somebody is "wrong".
For me personally if I were her and struggling I'd still be supportive even if I didn't understand it. I feel she is being awkward and making it about her though, which is greatly unfair. But that's for her to work through in her own way, even if it is a hurtful path. |
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Sounds like quite the shitty situation Lacey, you have my sincerest sympathies.
I astounds me that a lot of people do not seem to understand that family is a big game of interpersonal politics and that their choices may have unforeseen effects, just because they dont want to put themselves out of their comfort zone.
I really hope that you are able to resolve this and you can scrape some kind of happiness our of it. Chin up   |
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By *acey_Red OP Woman
over a year ago
Liverpool |
"I think we sometimes crave acceptance from those that we know are least likely to give it
"
I think this hits home. I was actually so prepared for outright rejection and criticism over it that the fact I thought she took it so well actually meant so much to me but now that's all been taken away and it actually hurts more than if she just refused to accept it from the get go. I was prepared then and had my gaurd up. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Sooner rather than later (hopefully) your mum will realise that her intransigence in relation to your way of life has cost her dearly. Friends cam come and go but family is for life. As painful as this situation undoubtedly is for you it’s your mums loss. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You know it may just be that she needs more time.. And perhaps other members of the family might give her the postive confirmation that she needs to start the process of becoming comfortable and understanding of the situation.
I imagine she will be fearful or already carrying imagined social stigma.. If she hears good things from the rest of the family I'm sure it will help
Maybe arrange to see her separately, just you and her, and just see how the land lies? |
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By *xmfrvnMan
over a year ago
Stoke-on-Trent |
So sorry Lacey. Pain caused by family is peculiarly distressing, when you're denied the support you deserve. This is as good a place to vent as any. Have you told her what you've told us, reminded her of how you've compromised for her happiness in the past? |
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Sometimes in life we have to reluctantly keep certain aspects in separate boxes. I think that you have a choice tell your mum how hurt you are and accept that she's not going to come or don't tell her how she's hurt you and accept that she's not going to come. It's not over and she might change her opinion for future events.
I hope whatever happens you enjoy your birthday |
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By *acey_Red OP Woman
over a year ago
Liverpool |
"You know it may just be that she needs more time.. And perhaps other members of the family might give her the postive confirmation that she needs to start the process of becoming comfortable and understanding of the situation.
I imagine she will be fearful or already carrying imagined social stigma.. If she hears good things from the rest of the family I'm sure it will help
Maybe arrange to see her separately, just you and her, and just see how the land lies? "
Part of me hopes so but I also wonder if I can ever really get past how this has made me feel. Even if she changes her mind, she still put or was at least prepared to put her own discomfort over being involved in my life events.
I'll be honest, this also makes some old wounds raw again after many years of criticism for my choices when it comes to education and career. Possibly also the multiple missed birthdays when she visited her partner instead. |
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By *acey_Red OP Woman
over a year ago
Liverpool |
"So sorry Lacey. Pain caused by family is peculiarly distressing, when you're denied the support you deserve. This is as good a place to vent as any. Have you told her what you've told us, reminded her of how you've compromised for her happiness in the past? "
Honestly I don't think it's worth it as she doesn't see it that way. To her it was her home to move him into regardless of our feelings which I understand it is but I just hoped she would have cared how we felt and there had been a little more compromise. For me and my brother as her children, even as adults it's expected that we defer to her partner. My brother has been with his now wife since they were quite young and he virtually moved out from his teens and spent most of his time at his girlfriend's place. My mum never really understood that he did this because of her partner's behaviour and the atmosphere it created. She just saw my brother as the unreasonable one for choosing to never be at home. She also discussed staying in another hotel to everyone else for my brother's destination wedding because she said her partner wouldn't be comfortable being in the same hotel as my dad even though it was a massive resort with 4 restaurants and 3 pools. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You know it may just be that she needs more time.. And perhaps other members of the family might give her the postive confirmation that she needs to start the process of becoming comfortable and understanding of the situation.
I imagine she will be fearful or already carrying imagined social stigma.. If she hears good things from the rest of the family I'm sure it will help
Maybe arrange to see her separately, just you and her, and just see how the land lies?
Part of me hopes so but I also wonder if I can ever really get past how this has made me feel. Even if she changes her mind, she still put or was at least prepared to put her own discomfort over being involved in my life events.
I'll be honest, this also makes some old wounds raw again after many years of criticism for my choices when it comes to education and career. Possibly also the multiple missed birthdays when she visited her partner instead. "
Ouch, it seems like you have made a huge effort to try to keep her as part of your life  |
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"You know it may just be that she needs more time.. And perhaps other members of the family might give her the postive confirmation that she needs to start the process of becoming comfortable and understanding of the situation.
I imagine she will be fearful or already carrying imagined social stigma.. If she hears good things from the rest of the family I'm sure it will help
Maybe arrange to see her separately, just you and her, and just see how the land lies?
Part of me hopes so but I also wonder if I can ever really get past how this has made me feel. Even if she changes her mind, she still put or was at least prepared to put her own discomfort over being involved in my life events.
I'll be honest, this also makes some old wounds raw again after many years of criticism for my choices when it comes to education and career. Possibly also the multiple missed birthdays when she visited her partner instead. "
I'm sorry, OP. You've been very brave in being so open, I think, so it's a shame those important to you can't see that. Acceptance, eh. But sounds like it's opened up old issues too, as you say. If you haven't, I would tell how upset you would be if she didn't come, but respect her decision if she doesn't. Not easy, but maybe (just maybe) it's better if she doesn't come. You can have a great party without any atmosphere or awkwardness or potential flash points, and just try to work it out in slower time. This helps nothing, but she really is only cutting her nose off to spite herself by missing her daughter's 30th, and I'm sure she'd come to regret it... |
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Lacey, I think you know a little bit about my issues with my relationship with my mother. Whilst the underlying issues are quite different, the overall outcomes are pretty similar. I'm sad to say that my years of trying to compromise and ignore my mother's frankly selfish behaviour were only detrimental to my mental health and, more importantly, detrimental to the people I loved or have loved.
My advice? You live your life in the way you see fit. There's no benefit in trying to get your Mum to see how her actions in the past have impacted you and your siblings. If she couldn't see that at the time, she won't see it now. Anyone who cannot put their children and their needs first will not suddenly have an epiphany (I learned this the hard way).
If it means you cannot have a successful relationship with your Mum, that might have to be the decision you make. It's the decision I have made. |
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"I think we sometimes crave acceptance from those that we know are least likely to give it"
So this. Plus parents, we're so Hard-core programmed to need their acceptance no matter how dysfunctional the truth of our relationship is with them.
So so sorry Lacey, I hope so many of the lovely words in this thread are helping. Tread softly with your Mum, try to hold it lightly, this isn't on you, but God I relate to that frustration things can't be simpler.
Big love, have an awesome birthday x |
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"Hey. I think I just need a little vent somewhere fairly anonymous but familiar enough.
So some of you who have known me around here will know I'm polyamorous and I have two partners. I'm very fortunate that my family have been pretty accepting. The person I was most nervous about telling was my mum but it went surprisingly well at the time. Or at least I thought it did. She told me she didn't really get it but as long as I was happy which honestly I think was the best reaction I could have hoped for. We left things on a fairly jokey and light hearted note and haven't really spoken much about it since. That's pretty typical with my mum, we don't really have a relationship with a lot of emotional sharing which was one of the reasons it was so hard to tell her. Honestly I was over the moon with the reaction I got.
Well, I'm turning 30 fairly soon and today I've received a call from my mum to say she's been thinking about it and she isn't going to come because she's uncomfortable with both my partners being there. I'm honestly pretty heartbroken. I'm fine with her not getting it and I could even cope with her not liking it but it honestly breaks my heart that she's not willing to be uncomfortable for a few hours for the sake of my birthday. Especially such a big one. Especially when I spent so long tolerating her partner who she moved in in my late teens who has caused so much family drama. I know it's not the same. I've just always felt that sometimes you deal with situations you don't like for the sake of the people you love and it hurts that she doesn't feel the same.
I know I'm very fortunate the rest of my family is so accepting and many people aren't as fortunate but it really does hurt and feels like a rejection of who I am. My relationship with my mum has never been totally ideal but this is an even bigger blow. Now I'm left wondering if I'm always going to be left choosing between my mum and my partner or if she's going to excuse herself from any other life events. I'm not really totally sure what I'm expecting by posting this here, I'm just feeling a lot of things and need to get it out I guess. Please be gentle with me. "
Families. You don't get to choose them.
My advice, for what it's worth...
Don't tell your mum how you feel. Write her a letter.
An old school handwritten letter.
Often the written word carries more weight than the spoken one.
It's possible to listen, but not hear.
The written word must be read, the mind paints a picture, based on what it reads. That emotional picture can have more meaning and depth than spoken words ever can.
The spoken word can be interupted, can degenerate into misunderstanding and hurt on both sides, things get said in the heat of the moment that aren't meant, but can never be taken back.
A handwritten letter can do more good than words ever can.
It can't be interupted.
You have the time to write exactly what you want, and how you want to say it.
Good luck. Whatever the outcome, be happy with what you have, don't miss what you don't have.
Be at peace with yourself and be gentle with yourself.
Winston
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You know it may just be that she needs more time.. And perhaps other members of the family might give her the postive confirmation that she needs to start the process of becoming comfortable and understanding of the situation.
I imagine she will be fearful or already carrying imagined social stigma.. If she hears good things from the rest of the family I'm sure it will help
Maybe arrange to see her separately, just you and her, and just see how the land lies?
Part of me hopes so but I also wonder if I can ever really get past how this has made me feel. Even if she changes her mind, she still put or was at least prepared to put her own discomfort over being involved in my life events.
I'll be honest, this also makes some old wounds raw again after many years of criticism for my choices when it comes to education and career. Possibly also the multiple missed birthdays when she visited her partner instead. "
She sounds selfish and mean.
I'd see it as a positive that she won't go. I wouldn't let her keep you hanging on, hoping she might change her mind.
Have a wonderful party with the people who care about you. 
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By *acey_Red OP Woman
over a year ago
Liverpool |
"Lacey, I think you know a little bit about my issues with my relationship with my mother. Whilst the underlying issues are quite different, the overall outcomes are pretty similar. I'm sad to say that my years of trying to compromise and ignore my mother's frankly selfish behaviour were only detrimental to my mental health and, more importantly, detrimental to the people I loved or have loved.
My advice? You live your life in the way you see fit. There's no benefit in trying to get your Mum to see how her actions in the past have impacted you and your siblings. If she couldn't see that at the time, she won't see it now. Anyone who cannot put their children and their needs first will not suddenly have an epiphany (I learned this the hard way).
If it means you cannot have a successful relationship with your Mum, that might have to be the decision you make. It's the decision I have made. "
It's certainly a hard lesson to learn . Thank you and I'm sorry for your experiences |
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"Lacey, I think you know a little bit about my issues with my relationship with my mother. Whilst the underlying issues are quite different, the overall outcomes are pretty similar. I'm sad to say that my years of trying to compromise and ignore my mother's frankly selfish behaviour were only detrimental to my mental health and, more importantly, detrimental to the people I loved or have loved.
My advice? You live your life in the way you see fit. There's no benefit in trying to get your Mum to see how her actions in the past have impacted you and your siblings. If she couldn't see that at the time, she won't see it now. Anyone who cannot put their children and their needs first will not suddenly have an epiphany (I learned this the hard way).
If it means you cannot have a successful relationship with your Mum, that might have to be the decision you make. It's the decision I have made.
It's certainly a hard lesson to learn . Thank you and I'm sorry for your experiences "
Sorry if it sounds harsh |
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By *acey_Red OP Woman
over a year ago
Liverpool |
"Lacey, I think you know a little bit about my issues with my relationship with my mother. Whilst the underlying issues are quite different, the overall outcomes are pretty similar. I'm sad to say that my years of trying to compromise and ignore my mother's frankly selfish behaviour were only detrimental to my mental health and, more importantly, detrimental to the people I loved or have loved.
My advice? You live your life in the way you see fit. There's no benefit in trying to get your Mum to see how her actions in the past have impacted you and your siblings. If she couldn't see that at the time, she won't see it now. Anyone who cannot put their children and their needs first will not suddenly have an epiphany (I learned this the hard way).
If it means you cannot have a successful relationship with your Mum, that might have to be the decision you make. It's the decision I have made.
It's certainly a hard lesson to learn . Thank you and I'm sorry for your experiences
Sorry if it sounds harsh "
It doesn't at all. It sounds like wisdom born from pain endured |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Hey. I think I just need a little vent somewhere fairly anonymous but familiar enough.
So some of you who have known me around here will know I'm polyamorous and I have two partners. I'm very fortunate that my family have been pretty accepting. The person I was most nervous about telling was my mum but it went surprisingly well at the time. Or at least I thought it did. She told me she didn't really get it but as long as I was happy which honestly I think was the best reaction I could have hoped for. We left things on a fairly jokey and light hearted note and haven't really spoken much about it since. That's pretty typical with my mum, we don't really have a relationship with a lot of emotional sharing which was one of the reasons it was so hard to tell her. Honestly I was over the moon with the reaction I got.
Well, I'm turning 30 fairly soon and today I've received a call from my mum to say she's been thinking about it and she isn't going to come because she's uncomfortable with both my partners being there. I'm honestly pretty heartbroken. I'm fine with her not getting it and I could even cope with her not liking it but it honestly breaks my heart that she's not willing to be uncomfortable for a few hours for the sake of my birthday. Especially such a big one. Especially when I spent so long tolerating her partner who she moved in in my late teens who has caused so much family drama. I know it's not the same. I've just always felt that sometimes you deal with situations you don't like for the sake of the people you love and it hurts that she doesn't feel the same.
I know I'm very fortunate the rest of my family is so accepting and many people aren't as fortunate but it really does hurt and feels like a rejection of who I am. My relationship with my mum has never been totally ideal but this is an even bigger blow. Now I'm left wondering if I'm always going to be left choosing between my mum and my partner or if she's going to excuse herself from any other life events. I'm not really totally sure what I'm expecting by posting this here, I'm just feeling a lot of things and need to get it out I guess. Please be gentle with me. "
I feel for you. I know the pain too of having a mother that behaves in a similar manner. When it comes to her life, acceptance is expected and any wrong doing completely ignored. Yet when it's part of my life there's a flat no I won't do that thrown at me in the bluntest form, and that's after a yes I will. A change of heart when it doesn't suit her. It's truly heartbreaking and harsh and leaves a void that just can't be filled or ignored.
I'm sorry you've experienced this. On such a big birthday too. A milestone you wouldn't think she'd miss. Yet some parents struggle as their programming on what is acceptable and what isn't is so very different from ours. A generation thing perhaps.
I saw this done to my daughter by her dad. He refused to go to her big birthday as I'd be there. It was what she wanted yet he just wouldn't do it. I saw how much she hurt over it. So I can see it from both sides.
Some things we just have to swallow and accept even though they are painful. And it's not easy at all. I feel you.
Inbox is always open.
PW |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Hey. I think I just need a little vent somewhere fairly anonymous but familiar enough.
So some of you who have known me around here will know I'm polyamorous and I have two partners. I'm very fortunate that my family have been pretty accepting. The person I was most nervous about telling was my mum but it went surprisingly well at the time. Or at least I thought it did. She told me she didn't really get it but as long as I was happy which honestly I think was the best reaction I could have hoped for. We left things on a fairly jokey and light hearted note and haven't really spoken much about it since. That's pretty typical with my mum, we don't really have a relationship with a lot of emotional sharing which was one of the reasons it was so hard to tell her. Honestly I was over the moon with the reaction I got.
Well, I'm turning 30 fairly soon and today I've received a call from my mum to say she's been thinking about it and she isn't going to come because she's uncomfortable with both my partners being there. I'm honestly pretty heartbroken. I'm fine with her not getting it and I could even cope with her not liking it but it honestly breaks my heart that she's not willing to be uncomfortable for a few hours for the sake of my birthday. Especially such a big one. Especially when I spent so long tolerating her partner who she moved in in my late teens who has caused so much family drama. I know it's not the same. I've just always felt that sometimes you deal with situations you don't like for the sake of the people you love and it hurts that she doesn't feel the same.
I know I'm very fortunate the rest of my family is so accepting and many people aren't as fortunate but it really does hurt and feels like a rejection of who I am. My relationship with my mum has never been totally ideal but this is an even bigger blow. Now I'm left wondering if I'm always going to be left choosing between my mum and my partner or if she's going to excuse herself from any other life events. I'm not really totally sure what I'm expecting by posting this here, I'm just feeling a lot of things and need to get it out I guess. Please be gentle with me.
I feel for you. I know the pain too of having a mother that behaves in a similar manner. When it comes to her life, acceptance is expected and any wrong doing completely ignored. Yet when it's part of my life there's a flat no I won't do that thrown at me in the bluntest form, and that's after a yes I will. A change of heart when it doesn't suit her. It's truly heartbreaking and harsh and leaves a void that just can't be filled or ignored.
I'm sorry you've experienced this. On such a big birthday too. A milestone you wouldn't think she'd miss. Yet some parents struggle as their programming on what is acceptable and what isn't is so very different from ours. A generation thing perhaps.
I saw this done to my daughter by her dad. He refused to go to her big birthday as I'd be there. It was what she wanted yet he just wouldn't do it. I saw how much she hurt over it. So I can see it from both sides.
Some things we just have to swallow and accept even though they are painful. And it's not easy at all. I feel you.
Inbox is always open.
PW "
Agree some parents have a narrow definition of what your life should be but never tell you till you deviate far from it.
I’m sorry to hear about what happened with your daughter I hope that if I am ever put in that situation I am able to put aside whatever difference I may have for them.
You shouldn’t have to accept anything that causes you pain though.
My inbox is open for literally anyone who needs to vent I don’t mind. |
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Big hugs, personally I think your mum could just go anyway as it's your day and she should just be thinking about that and not about your partners. We all have to suck things up now and then and just get on with life and it's only for a few hours on your birthday. I don't really know what else to say but I really hope she changes her mind and decides to see you |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Lacey, I’m sorry you’re having to go through this. It’s tough. Mums can be tough. I haven’t told my mum or anyone in my family that I’m poly. You did a brave thing, choosing to be yourself authentically. I think this is an honest conversation with your mum about how you feel, what it means to you her not being there or any other concerns you may have and also about how you can agree to move on with her very much a part of your life. I hate having these kinds of convos with my mum but I don’t think holding on to feelings and resentment toward parents is good. I don’t know you but you seem a good communicator. Talk to your partners. Talk to other family members for support. And hopefully there’s a positive outcome. Sending you lots of love and strength my poly friend.  |
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By *ty31Man
over a year ago
NW London |
Makes me sad to read this as I do think that a mother's number most fulfilling thing would be to see their daughter happy and content.
I'm far from an expert but have you tried suggesting her meeting your partners in a private setting (dinner etc) before your big day? Maybe it would break the ice a little and she can see for herself how your dynamic works and the love and care you receive from your partners? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm so sorry your going through this and I know it feels really unpleasant. What I will say though is I can understand how it can be difficult for other people to understand a "non conventional" relationship. Is it worth trying to explain it to her again and see if that makes any difference and maybe listen to any concern she might have. |
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I hope it did help you, by sharing this Lacey. I'm guessing your judgement is right.
I'd view her position as a statement of now, rather than that she will not come. I understand that your relationship may not be perfect for you, though wondered if further discussions between you, could find some common ground. Perhaps that could include sharing of emotional connection and impact, including what her attendance and inclusion would mean for you. Perhaps she could attend for part of it, if some accommodation by both sides was possible. It's your event and so should be as you want though.
It would upset me, if in your shoes, so I'd want to improve the relationship, so that you have that solid foundation, wether she comes or not. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Sorry to hear that OP, I know how hard it is when family breaks apart, so I wish you can patch things up hopefully, and with time heal the emotional wounds |
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"I hope it did help you, by sharing this Lacey. I'm guessing your judgement is right.
I'd view her position as a statement of now, rather than that she will not come. I understand that your relationship may not be perfect for you, though wondered if further discussions between you, could find some common ground. Perhaps that could include sharing of emotional connection and impact, including what her attendance and inclusion would mean for you. Perhaps she could attend for part of it, if some accommodation by both sides was possible. It's your event and so should be as you want though.
It would upset me, if in your shoes, so I'd want to improve the relationship, so that you have that solid foundation, wether she comes or not. "
Accommodation by both sides? Why should Lacey or her partners have to change to accommodate other people's ick factor? Her mother should be able to look beyond two romantic partners and be keen to see her daughter happy on her 30th birthday. Now, no matter what happens and who does or doesn't come or who does or doesn't "accommodate", the event will be tainted by this situation. It can't be unsaid.
I'm astonished at how many people think it's okay to have a parent act like this and how many would be encouraging the salvation of a relationship at apparently any cost. Sometimes, adult children and their parent(s) are better apart than together. Someone doesn't owe their parents anything simply because they were born. The parent/parents choose to have the child(ren) and so acquire a lifelong special set of responsibilities in deciding to bring a human life into the world. |
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By *acey_Red OP Woman
over a year ago
Liverpool |
Thank you to everyone who has commented. Some of the comments have been really lovely and I really appreciate it. I think it's maybe too soon for me to think about where to go from here right now and I still have to consider mother's day this weekend as I honestly don't know how I can see her right now without crying yet I know not seeing her would just cause further grief. |
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By *issmorganWoman
over a year ago
Calderdale innit |
So sorry to read this Lacey
It puts a bit of a dampener on things for you
Families can be bloody minefields at the best of times.
I hope she has a change of heart if that's what you want,if not I hope you have an amazing time regardless.
Big hugs (love )xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I've only just seen this. I don't really have anything to say other than that I agree with your comment about being prepared to feel uncomfortable for a few hours when you know it makes such a huge difference to another person - even if v that person is a total stranger, never mind your daughter. I don't know if you've put it that bluntly too your mum but it's something she could do with hearing.
Meanwhile I'm sending a hug x
Mr |
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By *.L.0460.Woman
over a year ago
Bognor Regis |
"Thank you to everyone who has commented. Some of the comments have been really lovely and I really appreciate it. I think it's maybe too soon for me to think about where to go from here right now and I still have to consider mother's day this weekend as I honestly don't know how I can see her right now without crying yet I know not seeing her would just cause further grief. "
Big hugs xxx |
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
As a parent of 3 girls , I’ll always accept my kids decisions on partners, career, lifestyle, religion and love and support them, they are their decisions to make not mine. I bought them up to be adventurous, free thinking and independent - if they just turned out like me and don't make me feel awkward or uncomfortable sometimes , I’d think I’d dine a bad job  |
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"Thank you to everyone who has commented. Some of the comments have been really lovely and I really appreciate it. I think it's maybe too soon for me to think about where to go from here right now and I still have to consider mother's day this weekend as I honestly don't know how I can see her right now without crying yet I know not seeing her would just cause further grief. "
Just send her a card and tell her you won’t be visiting mothers day at all as you feel uncomfortable visiting .
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Hey. I think I just need a little vent somewhere fairly anonymous but familiar enough.
So some of you who have known me around here will know I'm polyamorous and I have two partners. I'm very fortunate that my family have been pretty accepting. The person I was most nervous about telling was my mum but it went surprisingly well at the time. Or at least I thought it did. She told me she didn't really get it but as long as I was happy which honestly I think was the best reaction I could have hoped for. We left things on a fairly jokey and light hearted note and haven't really spoken much about it since. That's pretty typical with my mum, we don't really have a relationship with a lot of emotional sharing which was one of the reasons it was so hard to tell her. Honestly I was over the moon with the reaction I got.
Well, I'm turning 30 fairly soon and today I've received a call from my mum to say she's been thinking about it and she isn't going to come because she's uncomfortable with both my partners being there. I'm honestly pretty heartbroken. I'm fine with her not getting it and I could even cope with her not liking it but it honestly breaks my heart that she's not willing to be uncomfortable for a few hours for the sake of my birthday. Especially such a big one. Especially when I spent so long tolerating her partner who she moved in in my late teens who has caused so much family drama. I know it's not the same. I've just always felt that sometimes you deal with situations you don't like for the sake of the people you love and it hurts that she doesn't feel the same.
I know I'm very fortunate the rest of my family is so accepting and many people aren't as fortunate but it really does hurt and feels like a rejection of who I am. My relationship with my mum has never been totally ideal but this is an even bigger blow. Now I'm left wondering if I'm always going to be left choosing between my mum and my partner or if she's going to excuse herself from any other life events. I'm not really totally sure what I'm expecting by posting this here, I'm just feeling a lot of things and need to get it out I guess. Please be gentle with me. "
Always ..always the hardest to please ..Mums ..all I can .. would..say is this , you have found your way of being happy , do not change , if you change you are living your life the way others want you to, you are not being true to yourself , have a great 30th |
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By *adMerWoman
over a year ago
Sandwich |
Hi Lacey
I can only give you my opinion, but I went no contact with my sociopath mother last summer. In many ways this has torn my life apart. However (and it’s a massive however!) I am feeling spiritually and emotionally much less broken.
It’s important to realise that there really are far more evil people on this planet than most of us realise, especially those with empathy that forgive others easily.
I highly recommend every person to find their own path to healing trauma for Cptsd. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Hi Lace,
I only just read this, and I understand that it’s very disappointing that someone like your mum,
Couldn’t just stick it up for a few hours to be there for you.
All I can say, from experience, is that the problem isn’t you, it’s all hers to deal with.
Just live your life as you like, don’t bend over backward to please people, even your own parents, and if she loves you, she will eventually get around to it.
If that’s too difficult, then that’s on her. Not you. And her loss.
I know it sounds totally shitty to say, but take it from somebody who was scared shitless before being my authentic self, and all the negative process I had to deal with in my head, I was scared to lose people because of who I am, it was so silly now thinking back.
But also, I go back and think, even if it meant losing a relationship with my mum, I’d not give up myself. Even for her. And that’d have been her problem to deal with, not mine.
You are important, you aren’t hurting anybody, so! X
Also…
Your mum should just want your happiness regardless x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Must be hard for you, she should be giving you the time as it's your day, she can surely just deal with the fact you love two people, that's two people making you happy and loving you.
I had similar with my step dad not getting it till my old nan just turned round said it's not a new thing people love each other!
I hope she changes her mind and opens her heart to you all.
Above all just enjoy your day x |
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By *acey_Red OP Woman
over a year ago
Liverpool |
"As a parent of 3 girls , I’ll always accept my kids decisions on partners, career, lifestyle, religion and love and support them, they are their decisions to make not mine. I bought them up to be adventurous, free thinking and independent - if they just turned out like me and don't make me feel awkward or uncomfortable sometimes , I’d think I’d dine a bad job "
This is so lovely! You sound like a great dad . My dad accepts me no matter what and actually celebrates that I've introduced him to new concepts and I am so grateful to have him. |
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By *acey_Red OP Woman
over a year ago
Liverpool |
"Hi Lace,
I only just read this, and I understand that it’s very disappointing that someone like your mum,
Couldn’t just stick it up for a few hours to be there for you.
All I can say, from experience, is that the problem isn’t you, it’s all hers to deal with.
Just live your life as you like, don’t bend over backward to please people, even your own parents, and if she loves you, she will eventually get around to it.
If that’s too difficult, then that’s on her. Not you. And her loss.
I know it sounds totally shitty to say, but take it from somebody who was scared shitless before being my authentic self, and all the negative process I had to deal with in my head, I was scared to lose people because of who I am, it was so silly now thinking back.
But also, I go back and think, even if it meant losing a relationship with my mum, I’d not give up myself. Even for her. And that’d have been her problem to deal with, not mine.
You are important, you aren’t hurting anybody, so! X
Also…
Your mum should just want your happiness regardless x "
After a phone call with my brother who otherwise supports me but has had my mum in his ear since she said this to me trying to get him on side, I really needed to hear this. He's accepted it ever since he accidentally found out. He initially thought my nesting partner was cheating on me but when we explained he was fine and said he just wants me to be happy. He's now telling me that I should uninvite my newer partner to me birthday because he says family comes first. I think he just wants an easy life and I don't think he understands how unreasonable it is to ask me to uninvite a partner of 2 years to my own birthday. I tried to compare it to if my mum was uncomfortable with me having a same sex partner and I think he kind of got it but it's just hard. To me family coming first would surely mean her putting aside her discomfort for a few hours for my sake. I've been starting to doubt myself and wonder if I'm just being overly stubborn here for feeling like I need to just make a stand and live my live and allow her to decide if/when she's willing to be involved. Thank you for your support and everyone else. It has really meant a lot. |
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"Hi Lace,
I only just read this, and I understand that it’s very disappointing that someone like your mum,
Couldn’t just stick it up for a few hours to be there for you.
All I can say, from experience, is that the problem isn’t you, it’s all hers to deal with.
Just live your life as you like, don’t bend over backward to please people, even your own parents, and if she loves you, she will eventually get around to it.
If that’s too difficult, then that’s on her. Not you. And her loss.
I know it sounds totally shitty to say, but take it from somebody who was scared shitless before being my authentic self, and all the negative process I had to deal with in my head, I was scared to lose people because of who I am, it was so silly now thinking back.
But also, I go back and think, even if it meant losing a relationship with my mum, I’d not give up myself. Even for her. And that’d have been her problem to deal with, not mine.
You are important, you aren’t hurting anybody, so! X
Also…
Your mum should just want your happiness regardless x
After a phone call with my brother who otherwise supports me but has had my mum in his ear since she said this to me trying to get him on side, I really needed to hear this. He's accepted it ever since he accidentally found out. He initially thought my nesting partner was cheating on me but when we explained he was fine and said he just wants me to be happy. He's now telling me that I should uninvite my newer partner to me birthday because he says family comes first. I think he just wants an easy life and I don't think he understands how unreasonable it is to ask me to uninvite a partner of 2 years to my own birthday. I tried to compare it to if my mum was uncomfortable with me having a same sex partner and I think he kind of got it but it's just hard. To me family coming first would surely mean her putting aside her discomfort for a few hours for my sake. I've been starting to doubt myself and wonder if I'm just being overly stubborn here for feeling like I need to just make a stand and live my live and allow her to decide if/when she's willing to be involved. Thank you for your support and everyone else. It has really meant a lot."
Definitely don't uninvite newest partner as that would be a bad decision, stand by your choices and just hope your mum comes around eventually.
Big hugs xx |
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By *acey_Red OP Woman
over a year ago
Liverpool |
"Hi Lace,
I only just read this, and I understand that it’s very disappointing that someone like your mum,
Couldn’t just stick it up for a few hours to be there for you.
All I can say, from experience, is that the problem isn’t you, it’s all hers to deal with.
Just live your life as you like, don’t bend over backward to please people, even your own parents, and if she loves you, she will eventually get around to it.
If that’s too difficult, then that’s on her. Not you. And her loss.
I know it sounds totally shitty to say, but take it from somebody who was scared shitless before being my authentic self, and all the negative process I had to deal with in my head, I was scared to lose people because of who I am, it was so silly now thinking back.
But also, I go back and think, even if it meant losing a relationship with my mum, I’d not give up myself. Even for her. And that’d have been her problem to deal with, not mine.
You are important, you aren’t hurting anybody, so! X
Also…
Your mum should just want your happiness regardless x
After a phone call with my brother who otherwise supports me but has had my mum in his ear since she said this to me trying to get him on side, I really needed to hear this. He's accepted it ever since he accidentally found out. He initially thought my nesting partner was cheating on me but when we explained he was fine and said he just wants me to be happy. He's now telling me that I should uninvite my newer partner to me birthday because he says family comes first. I think he just wants an easy life and I don't think he understands how unreasonable it is to ask me to uninvite a partner of 2 years to my own birthday. I tried to compare it to if my mum was uncomfortable with me having a same sex partner and I think he kind of got it but it's just hard. To me family coming first would surely mean her putting aside her discomfort for a few hours for my sake. I've been starting to doubt myself and wonder if I'm just being overly stubborn here for feeling like I need to just make a stand and live my live and allow her to decide if/when she's willing to be involved. Thank you for your support and everyone else. It has really meant a lot.
Definitely don't uninvite newest partner as that would be a bad decision, stand by your choices and just hope your mum comes around eventually.
Big hugs xx"
That's how me, my partners and my friend's feel. My newest partner bless him said he understood if it was what I felt I needed to do but agreed with me when I said why I thought it was the wrong decision. It just made me doubt myself hearing from my brother. My dad says to just do whatever I think is best which is lovely but as much as I know it isn't how he meant it, it began to feel like saying uninviting him was an option I should consider. Its reassuring that people seem to agree with my gut feeling. Thank you. |
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"Hi Lace,
I only just read this, and I understand that it’s very disappointing that someone like your mum,
Couldn’t just stick it up for a few hours to be there for you.
All I can say, from experience, is that the problem isn’t you, it’s all hers to deal with.
Just live your life as you like, don’t bend over backward to please people, even your own parents, and if she loves you, she will eventually get around to it.
If that’s too difficult, then that’s on her. Not you. And her loss.
I know it sounds totally shitty to say, but take it from somebody who was scared shitless before being my authentic self, and all the negative process I had to deal with in my head, I was scared to lose people because of who I am, it was so silly now thinking back.
But also, I go back and think, even if it meant losing a relationship with my mum, I’d not give up myself. Even for her. And that’d have been her problem to deal with, not mine.
You are important, you aren’t hurting anybody, so! X
Also…
Your mum should just want your happiness regardless x
After a phone call with my brother who otherwise supports me but has had my mum in his ear since she said this to me trying to get him on side, I really needed to hear this. He's accepted it ever since he accidentally found out. He initially thought my nesting partner was cheating on me but when we explained he was fine and said he just wants me to be happy. He's now telling me that I should uninvite my newer partner to me birthday because he says family comes first. I think he just wants an easy life and I don't think he understands how unreasonable it is to ask me to uninvite a partner of 2 years to my own birthday. I tried to compare it to if my mum was uncomfortable with me having a same sex partner and I think he kind of got it but it's just hard. To me family coming first would surely mean her putting aside her discomfort for a few hours for my sake. I've been starting to doubt myself and wonder if I'm just being overly stubborn here for feeling like I need to just make a stand and live my live and allow her to decide if/when she's willing to be involved. Thank you for your support and everyone else. It has really meant a lot.
Definitely don't uninvite newest partner as that would be a bad decision, stand by your choices and just hope your mum comes around eventually.
Big hugs xx
That's how me, my partners and my friend's feel. My newest partner bless him said he understood if it was what I felt I needed to do but agreed with me when I said why I thought it was the wrong decision. It just made me doubt myself hearing from my brother. My dad says to just do whatever I think is best which is lovely but as much as I know it isn't how he meant it, it began to feel like saying uninviting him was an option I should consider. Its reassuring that people seem to agree with my gut feeling. Thank you. "
My opinion of what is best is for your mum to just accept what is and go to your party. It's sweet of your partner to say that but I think he would have been hurt a bit if he missed out |
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By *acey_Red OP Woman
over a year ago
Liverpool |
"Hi Lace,
I only just read this, and I understand that it’s very disappointing that someone like your mum,
Couldn’t just stick it up for a few hours to be there for you.
All I can say, from experience, is that the problem isn’t you, it’s all hers to deal with.
Just live your life as you like, don’t bend over backward to please people, even your own parents, and if she loves you, she will eventually get around to it.
If that’s too difficult, then that’s on her. Not you. And her loss.
I know it sounds totally shitty to say, but take it from somebody who was scared shitless before being my authentic self, and all the negative process I had to deal with in my head, I was scared to lose people because of who I am, it was so silly now thinking back.
But also, I go back and think, even if it meant losing a relationship with my mum, I’d not give up myself. Even for her. And that’d have been her problem to deal with, not mine.
You are important, you aren’t hurting anybody, so! X
Also…
Your mum should just want your happiness regardless x
After a phone call with my brother who otherwise supports me but has had my mum in his ear since she said this to me trying to get him on side, I really needed to hear this. He's accepted it ever since he accidentally found out. He initially thought my nesting partner was cheating on me but when we explained he was fine and said he just wants me to be happy. He's now telling me that I should uninvite my newer partner to me birthday because he says family comes first. I think he just wants an easy life and I don't think he understands how unreasonable it is to ask me to uninvite a partner of 2 years to my own birthday. I tried to compare it to if my mum was uncomfortable with me having a same sex partner and I think he kind of got it but it's just hard. To me family coming first would surely mean her putting aside her discomfort for a few hours for my sake. I've been starting to doubt myself and wonder if I'm just being overly stubborn here for feeling like I need to just make a stand and live my live and allow her to decide if/when she's willing to be involved. Thank you for your support and everyone else. It has really meant a lot.
Definitely don't uninvite newest partner as that would be a bad decision, stand by your choices and just hope your mum comes around eventually.
Big hugs xx
That's how me, my partners and my friend's feel. My newest partner bless him said he understood if it was what I felt I needed to do but agreed with me when I said why I thought it was the wrong decision. It just made me doubt myself hearing from my brother. My dad says to just do whatever I think is best which is lovely but as much as I know it isn't how he meant it, it began to feel like saying uninviting him was an option I should consider. Its reassuring that people seem to agree with my gut feeling. Thank you.
My opinion of what is best is for your mum to just accept what is and go to your party. It's sweet of your partner to say that but I think he would have been hurt a bit if he missed out "
I think so too and I would just spend the event sad that I had to do that and being reminded by his absence of her rejection anyway. |
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"Hi Lace,
I only just read this, and I understand that it’s very disappointing that someone like your mum,
Couldn’t just stick it up for a few hours to be there for you.
All I can say, from experience, is that the problem isn’t you, it’s all hers to deal with.
Just live your life as you like, don’t bend over backward to please people, even your own parents, and if she loves you, she will eventually get around to it.
If that’s too difficult, then that’s on her. Not you. And her loss.
I know it sounds totally shitty to say, but take it from somebody who was scared shitless before being my authentic self, and all the negative process I had to deal with in my head, I was scared to lose people because of who I am, it was so silly now thinking back.
But also, I go back and think, even if it meant losing a relationship with my mum, I’d not give up myself. Even for her. And that’d have been her problem to deal with, not mine.
You are important, you aren’t hurting anybody, so! X
Also…
Your mum should just want your happiness regardless x
After a phone call with my brother who otherwise supports me but has had my mum in his ear since she said this to me trying to get him on side, I really needed to hear this. He's accepted it ever since he accidentally found out. He initially thought my nesting partner was cheating on me but when we explained he was fine and said he just wants me to be happy. He's now telling me that I should uninvite my newer partner to me birthday because he says family comes first. I think he just wants an easy life and I don't think he understands how unreasonable it is to ask me to uninvite a partner of 2 years to my own birthday. I tried to compare it to if my mum was uncomfortable with me having a same sex partner and I think he kind of got it but it's just hard. To me family coming first would surely mean her putting aside her discomfort for a few hours for my sake. I've been starting to doubt myself and wonder if I'm just being overly stubborn here for feeling like I need to just make a stand and live my live and allow her to decide if/when she's willing to be involved. Thank you for your support and everyone else. It has really meant a lot.
Definitely don't uninvite newest partner as that would be a bad decision, stand by your choices and just hope your mum comes around eventually.
Big hugs xx
That's how me, my partners and my friend's feel. My newest partner bless him said he understood if it was what I felt I needed to do but agreed with me when I said why I thought it was the wrong decision. It just made me doubt myself hearing from my brother. My dad says to just do whatever I think is best which is lovely but as much as I know it isn't how he meant it, it began to feel like saying uninviting him was an option I should consider. Its reassuring that people seem to agree with my gut feeling. Thank you.
My opinion of what is best is for your mum to just accept what is and go to your party. It's sweet of your partner to say that but I think he would have been hurt a bit if he missed out
I think so too and I would just spend the event sad that I had to do that and being reminded by his absence of her rejection anyway. "
Exactly, I'll keep my fingers crossed that she comes around but please try to enjoy your day no matter what |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Hi Lace,
I only just read this, and I understand that it’s very disappointing that someone like your mum,
Couldn’t just stick it up for a few hours to be there for you.
All I can say, from experience, is that the problem isn’t you, it’s all hers to deal with.
Just live your life as you like, don’t bend over backward to please people, even your own parents, and if she loves you, she will eventually get around to it.
If that’s too difficult, then that’s on her. Not you. And her loss.
I know it sounds totally shitty to say, but take it from somebody who was scared shitless before being my authentic self, and all the negative process I had to deal with in my head, I was scared to lose people because of who I am, it was so silly now thinking back.
But also, I go back and think, even if it meant losing a relationship with my mum, I’d not give up myself. Even for her. And that’d have been her problem to deal with, not mine.
You are important, you aren’t hurting anybody, so! X
Also…
Your mum should just want your happiness regardless x
After a phone call with my brother who otherwise supports me but has had my mum in his ear since she said this to me trying to get him on side, I really needed to hear this. He's accepted it ever since he accidentally found out. He initially thought my nesting partner was cheating on me but when we explained he was fine and said he just wants me to be happy. He's now telling me that I should uninvite my newer partner to me birthday because he says family comes first. I think he just wants an easy life and I don't think he understands how unreasonable it is to ask me to uninvite a partner of 2 years to my own birthday. I tried to compare it to if my mum was uncomfortable with me having a same sex partner and I think he kind of got it but it's just hard. To me family coming first would surely mean her putting aside her discomfort for a few hours for my sake. I've been starting to doubt myself and wonder if I'm just being overly stubborn here for feeling like I need to just make a stand and live my live and allow her to decide if/when she's willing to be involved. Thank you for your support and everyone else. It has really meant a lot.
Definitely don't uninvite newest partner as that would be a bad decision, stand by your choices and just hope your mum comes around eventually.
Big hugs xx
That's how me, my partners and my friend's feel. My newest partner bless him said he understood if it was what I felt I needed to do but agreed with me when I said why I thought it was the wrong decision. It just made me doubt myself hearing from my brother. My dad says to just do whatever I think is best which is lovely but as much as I know it isn't how he meant it, it began to feel like saying uninviting him was an option I should consider. Its reassuring that people seem to agree with my gut feeling. Thank you.
My opinion of what is best is for your mum to just accept what is and go to your party. It's sweet of your partner to say that but I think he would have been hurt a bit if he missed out
I think so too and I would just spend the event sad that I had to do that and being reminded by his absence of her rejection anyway. "
Uninvite all your partners. Your family's feelings are more important than your partners' feelings. Having even just one partner there would remind them that one partner was missing, and make them feel uncomfortable.
It would be best if you broke the relationship off and became monogamous. |
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By *acey_Red OP Woman
over a year ago
Liverpool |
"Hi Lace,
I only just read this, and I understand that it’s very disappointing that someone like your mum,
Couldn’t just stick it up for a few hours to be there for you.
All I can say, from experience, is that the problem isn’t you, it’s all hers to deal with.
Just live your life as you like, don’t bend over backward to please people, even your own parents, and if she loves you, she will eventually get around to it.
If that’s too difficult, then that’s on her. Not you. And her loss.
I know it sounds totally shitty to say, but take it from somebody who was scared shitless before being my authentic self, and all the negative process I had to deal with in my head, I was scared to lose people because of who I am, it was so silly now thinking back.
But also, I go back and think, even if it meant losing a relationship with my mum, I’d not give up myself. Even for her. And that’d have been her problem to deal with, not mine.
You are important, you aren’t hurting anybody, so! X
Also…
Your mum should just want your happiness regardless x
After a phone call with my brother who otherwise supports me but has had my mum in his ear since she said this to me trying to get him on side, I really needed to hear this. He's accepted it ever since he accidentally found out. He initially thought my nesting partner was cheating on me but when we explained he was fine and said he just wants me to be happy. He's now telling me that I should uninvite my newer partner to me birthday because he says family comes first. I think he just wants an easy life and I don't think he understands how unreasonable it is to ask me to uninvite a partner of 2 years to my own birthday. I tried to compare it to if my mum was uncomfortable with me having a same sex partner and I think he kind of got it but it's just hard. To me family coming first would surely mean her putting aside her discomfort for a few hours for my sake. I've been starting to doubt myself and wonder if I'm just being overly stubborn here for feeling like I need to just make a stand and live my live and allow her to decide if/when she's willing to be involved. Thank you for your support and everyone else. It has really meant a lot.
Definitely don't uninvite newest partner as that would be a bad decision, stand by your choices and just hope your mum comes around eventually.
Big hugs xx
That's how me, my partners and my friend's feel. My newest partner bless him said he understood if it was what I felt I needed to do but agreed with me when I said why I thought it was the wrong decision. It just made me doubt myself hearing from my brother. My dad says to just do whatever I think is best which is lovely but as much as I know it isn't how he meant it, it began to feel like saying uninviting him was an option I should consider. Its reassuring that people seem to agree with my gut feeling. Thank you.
My opinion of what is best is for your mum to just accept what is and go to your party. It's sweet of your partner to say that but I think he would have been hurt a bit if he missed out
I think so too and I would just spend the event sad that I had to do that and being reminded by his absence of her rejection anyway.
Uninvite all your partners. Your family's feelings are more important than your partners' feelings. Having even just one partner there would remind them that one partner was missing, and make them feel uncomfortable.
It would be best if you broke the relationship off and became monogamous. "
Only if I can uninvite all their partners too |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Hi Lace,
I only just read this, and I understand that it’s very disappointing that someone like your mum,
Couldn’t just stick it up for a few hours to be there for you.
All I can say, from experience, is that the problem isn’t you, it’s all hers to deal with.
Just live your life as you like, don’t bend over backward to please people, even your own parents, and if she loves you, she will eventually get around to it.
If that’s too difficult, then that’s on her. Not you. And her loss.
I know it sounds totally shitty to say, but take it from somebody who was scared shitless before being my authentic self, and all the negative process I had to deal with in my head, I was scared to lose people because of who I am, it was so silly now thinking back.
But also, I go back and think, even if it meant losing a relationship with my mum, I’d not give up myself. Even for her. And that’d have been her problem to deal with, not mine.
You are important, you aren’t hurting anybody, so! X
Also…
Your mum should just want your happiness regardless x
After a phone call with my brother who otherwise supports me but has had my mum in his ear since she said this to me trying to get him on side, I really needed to hear this. He's accepted it ever since he accidentally found out. He initially thought my nesting partner was cheating on me but when we explained he was fine and said he just wants me to be happy. He's now telling me that I should uninvite my newer partner to me birthday because he says family comes first. I think he just wants an easy life and I don't think he understands how unreasonable it is to ask me to uninvite a partner of 2 years to my own birthday. I tried to compare it to if my mum was uncomfortable with me having a same sex partner and I think he kind of got it but it's just hard. To me family coming first would surely mean her putting aside her discomfort for a few hours for my sake. I've been starting to doubt myself and wonder if I'm just being overly stubborn here for feeling like I need to just make a stand and live my live and allow her to decide if/when she's willing to be involved. Thank you for your support and everyone else. It has really meant a lot.
Definitely don't uninvite newest partner as that would be a bad decision, stand by your choices and just hope your mum comes around eventually.
Big hugs xx
That's how me, my partners and my friend's feel. My newest partner bless him said he understood if it was what I felt I needed to do but agreed with me when I said why I thought it was the wrong decision. It just made me doubt myself hearing from my brother. My dad says to just do whatever I think is best which is lovely but as much as I know it isn't how he meant it, it began to feel like saying uninviting him was an option I should consider. Its reassuring that people seem to agree with my gut feeling. Thank you.
My opinion of what is best is for your mum to just accept what is and go to your party. It's sweet of your partner to say that but I think he would have been hurt a bit if he missed out
I think so too and I would just spend the event sad that I had to do that and being reminded by his absence of her rejection anyway.
Uninvite all your partners. Your family's feelings are more important than your partners' feelings. Having even just one partner there would remind them that one partner was missing, and make them feel uncomfortable.
It would be best if you broke the relationship off and became monogamous. "
Preferably with me lol |
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By *otMe66Man
over a year ago
Terra Firma |
"we don't really have a relationship with a lot of emotional sharing which was one of the reasons it was so hard to tell her. Honestly I was over the moon with the reaction I got.
Well, I'm turning 30 fairly soon and today I've received a call from my mum to say she's been thinking about it and she isn't going to come because she's uncomfortable with both my partners being there. I'm honestly pretty heartbroken. I'm fine with her not getting it and I could even cope with her not liking it but it honestly breaks my heart that she's not willing to be uncomfortable for a few hours for the sake of my birthday."
Approval you are an adult, making good choices is hard to come by from some parents.
You know you have made good choices based on what you as a person need, therefore approval is not required.
Break free of that ball and chain, go enjoy the party, you all deserve it |
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I feel you! I hope things can be resolved x