FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Dad Jokes Continued....
Dad Jokes Continued....
Jump to: Newest in thread
Years ago I broke up with this guy because he compulsively counted everything.
Wonder what he is up to now? |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
The missus just called me a "lazy prick".
What a cheeky bitch! It took me an hour to take down the Christmas tree this morning. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
 |
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
What do you call a 1 eyed dinosaur?
Doyouthinkhesawus |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I woke up this morning and read in the news that "Energy prices are going up by over 50% today".
I panicked for a few seconds until I spotted the date on the article.
Nice one, BBC News. You nearly fucking had me there for a moment... |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I hooked up with a Muslim guy during Ramadan.
Now we are fast friends |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Apparently, small-time drug dealers are going to stop growing cannabis.
It seems their electric bills are getting higher than their punters... |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What are the 2 unwritten rules of Dad jokes?
1.
2. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I'm not saying I'm attractive, but when I
take my clothes off in the bathroom.
I turn the shower on. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *bi HaiveMan
over a year ago
Forum Mod Cheeseville, Somerset |
I threw my wife a surprise bukakke party.
Everyone came.
You should have seen her face.
A |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
What do you call a man walking through a pile of leaves?
Russell |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
My sister came out to the family today, she told us she identifies as a musical instrument.
Mind you, I have always had my doubts about our Monica |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?
A labracadabrador  |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What do you call someone who has not got a phone?
You don't |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What is Whitney Houston's favourite physical co-ordination?
Hand EEEEEEEEEEEYE |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Had a pet mouse when I was younger called elvis, one day came home from school and it was caught in a trap |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
A man was arrested today for stealing tins of alphabet spaghetti.
He is expected to be given a long sentence. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
My mate called there ! All upset . He’s missus left him and took he’s satellite dish and Bob Marley cd … no woman no sky  |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
A friend of mine has a stutter... His Nana just died. By the time he told us, we were all singing 'Hey Jude'... |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What do you call two crows that are stuck together?
Velcrows... |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
A guy I know got done for combing Arthur Scargill's hair then washing Joe Gormley's face. He's been done for grooming miners. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
He drew a gun. I drew a gun. He drew a knife. I drew a knife.
We ended up with two lovely drawings of guns and knifes. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *mma29Couple
over a year ago
wirral |
"My sister came out to the family today, she told us she identifies as a musical instrument.
Mind you, I have always had my doubts about our Monica "
Hahaha so funny |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
10 cows in a field. What 1 is on holiday?
The 1 way the wee calf  |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I always wondered why the toilet door on trains said "Engaged".
Well, that was until I needed to use the loo roll and felt the ring slip onto the finger... |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Why are pirates called pirates?
They just Aaaarrrggghhhh. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I got asked in a job interview whether I could perform under pressure. I said I'd give it a go and went " dum dum dum duddle da da, PRESSURE pushing down on me"  |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
How do you make the number seven even?
Subtract the 'S'.
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"I got asked in a job interview whether I could perform under pressure. I said I'd give it a go and went " dum dum dum duddle da da, PRESSURE pushing down on me" "
I had the same question at my job interview, just as I got to the 2nd line, they asked be to be quiet, I was like, "don't stop me now". |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"I got asked in a job interview whether I could perform under pressure. I said I'd give it a go and went " dum dum dum duddle da da, PRESSURE pushing down on me"
I had the same question at my job interview, just as I got to the 2nd line, they asked be to be quiet, I was like, "don't stop me now"."
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Seeing as there's a thread on wild camping, I thought I'd just ask here,
Anyone ever had sex whilst camping? I've heard it's intents. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
For eating all his grass a calf got a pat on the head. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Just bought a fantastic Abba toilet. What a loo. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians.
A well stocked likeher cabinet. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What is red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
How do you spot the blind man in a swingers club??
It’s not hard. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *r SproutMan
over a year ago
the middle somewhere |
Did you hear about the scientist who successfully made an exact copy of himself?
??Unfortunately it was very foul mouthed and crude, and the scientist grew tired of it, and finally got rid of it by pushing it off a cliff. ??
He was later arrested for making an obscene clone fall. ???????? |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What do you get if you cross a boxer with a vacuum cleaner?
Mike Dyson |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Apparently there’s a civil war in Madagascar.
I’ve seen that movie 5 times but I’ve never noticed? |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Went on the market today and asked for a pound of apples.
Guy on the market said " its kilos now"
I said fine, I'll have a pound of kilos please |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Tried to catch some fog this morning
Missed |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
All current Formula 1 drivers have been warned they will no longer be allowed to wear dresses or makeup at any future Grand Prix weekends.
The new DRS (drag reduction system) will be trialled over the next five races... |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
“My wife often compares me to George Clooney.
She'll say, ‘You're nothing like George Clooney.’" |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I call my testicles "Wonkas" as they're in-between a willy and a chocolate factory. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Whats blue and not heavy?
Light blue |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I went to a fetish restaurant the other night.
I got toed in the hole. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
According to a recent Office of National Satistics report six out of seven dwarves are not Happy |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Who invented see though bras ??? Seymour Tit |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *edGrayCouple
over a year ago
Swindon |
Why don't fish play the piano?
Because you can't tune-a-fish!  |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
My penis was in the Guinness book of World records
But the Librarian told me to take it out |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I swapped the missus' tampon with a partypopper.
She's in for a suprise when she pulls the string. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
This one is for the women:
"Mansplaining" is when a man explains something. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
If I had a belt made of £50 notes would that be a waist of money? |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
If a drummer comes out of retirement will there be repercussions? |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What do you call a bear with no ear ?
B
What do you call I fish with no eye ?
Fsh |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
The model village we visited last month burnt down last night.
They reckoned you could see the flames from 10ft away. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Why does the Norwegian navy have bar codes on their ships ?
So when they come back to port they can —- SCANDINAVIAN |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I was in court the other day for punching someone the judge asked me if I hit him in defensive, I answered no I hit him over it. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Prisoner - I am so cold!
Jailer - Don't worry, I'll put another bar on. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
The swordfish has few predators in the wild
Except from the rare penfish which is said to be mightier |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I accidentally filled my escort up with diesel the other day ..
She died . |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"I threw my wife a surprise bukakke party.
Everyone came.
You should have seen her face.
A"
Best one so far |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *ty31Man
over a year ago
NW London |
What's better than Grease on Olivia Newton John?
Come on Eileen. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
When I was younger I used to be in a band called "Missing Cat".
You may have seen our posters... |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Do you want to hear a joke about my vagina? Never mind. You’ll never get it! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *ettaManMan
over a year ago
Kerry and Dublin |
Not many of his West Ham teammates like French goalkeeper, Areola. They think he's a bit of a tit. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *ty31Man
over a year ago
NW London |
Why doesn't Viagra work on football hooligans?
They only get hard with ten of their mates standing behind them. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"When I was younger I used to be in a band called "Missing Cat".
You may have seen our posters..."
We've just started a new band called "The Prevention".
We're better than The Cure... |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
A Woman opens her birthday card and a load of rice falls out !!
She shouts up to her fella " This birthday card I got in the post is full of rice "
Her fella shouts down " That's from your Uncle Ben " |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
A man with a hole in his pocket feels cocky all day. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
How does a Jew make tea?
Hebrews it.
I'll get my coat |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Why did the ghost cross the road? to get to the other side |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Two fish are in a tank. One says, ‘How do you drive this thing?’ |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I had BEEFSTEW as my password, but had to change it.
It wasn't Stroganoff |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"Two fish are in a tank. One says, ‘How do you drive this thing?’"
love that one
What do you call a fish with no eyes
A fsh |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *rispyDuckMan
over a year ago
Chinese Takeaway near you |
Why doesn't James Bond fart in bed?
Because it would blow his cover |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Light travels faster than sound, which is the reason that some people appear bright before you hear them speak. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What is the worse thing about compulsively eating apples?
You can never see a doctor about it |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"A man with a hole in his pocket feels cocky all day."
However, a man with two holes in his pocket, doesn't feel too cocky. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I saw an Elbow tribute band last night, they were called Arse. They were so good and so perfect, I couldn't tell Arse from Elbow. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I went to the doctor and told him I keep randomly saying "broccoli" and "cauliflower". He said you have Florets syndrome.
My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart.
Someone stole my antidepressant medication. I hope they are happy!  |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Did you know Bruce Lee had a much faster brother.
Sudden Lee |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *aulj69Man
over a year ago
dunstable |
[Removed by poster at 23/08/22 17:30:50] |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *aulj69Man
over a year ago
dunstable |
FFS these jokes are shocking. I would tell you the joke about the broken pencil....But there's NO POINT...Queue tumble. Lol X |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *azkinsWoman
over a year ago
leeds |
What do you call a woman with a radiator on her head?.
A. Anita |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *ttmcdguyTV/TS
over a year ago
Milton Keynes |
"I swapped the missus' tampon with a partypopper.
She's in for a suprise when she pulls the string."
Bbbaaaaaahhhhhaaaaaahhhhaaaa
Best 1 here |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Sergeant: "Oi, Private Adey, I didn't see you at camouflage class this morning"
Adey: "Thank you Sergeant!" |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Took my car for a service , but couldn’t get it through the church doors |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
As one door closes, another one opens. Worst car I've ever owned. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Why are elevator jokes so classic and good?
They work on many levels. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I met a beautiful vegan girl the other day, we were talking as if we'd known each other for ages...
But unfortunately for me, I'd never met herbivore. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"As one door closes, another one opens. Worst car I've ever owned."
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Why do extreme sports stars love camping?
Because it's in tents maaaan |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Humpty Dumpty fell off the roof of a budget supermarket.
It took Aldi Kings horses and Aldi kings men to poor Humtpty together again. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over."
old but good |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Went to B&Q and asked the greeter where the garden projects were. He asked if I wanted decking but I got the first punch in |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
A horse walks into a bar. The barman says “why the long face “
I was half way up a mountain when a man runs up to me and says “ I don’t like your altitude “
What’s brown and sticky.
A stick
I’ll get my coat. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"A horse walks into a bar. The barman says “why the long face “
I was half way up a mountain when a man runs up to me and says “ I don’t like your altitude “
What’s brown and sticky.
A stick
I’ll get my coat. "
What's red and sticky?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A Bonfire !!
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What do you call a Russian with three balls?
Whodoyounickaknackerof? |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Went to B&Q and asked the greeter where the garden projects were. He asked if I wanted decking but I got the first punch in "
you definitely should be a comedian |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Where to rastas keep their Jam?
In a almighty jah
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
What is pink and fluffy
Pink fluff |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
[Removed by poster at 24/08/22 18:51:20] |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
What do you call a women in the distance
DOT |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Guy walks into a bar……… “ouch”
What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes?
Adoyouthinkhesawus
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
How does Alfred let Bruce Wayne know his takeaway has arrived?
Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
BATMAN!
 |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I saw a sign in a shop window that said "Pay No Interest!"
So I carried on walking. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
There was this Englishman, Scotsman and a Dad… (use as starteing formula and continue!) |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"Humpty Dumpty fell off the roof of a budget supermarket.
It took Aldi Kings horses and Aldi kings men to poor Humtpty together again. "
That one’s a Lidl old! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
What's the difference between a hedgehog and a landrover? The hedgehog has the pricks on the outside |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Why did the slum landlord cross the road?
To ghetto the other side |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Why don't French people eat more than one egg at a time?
Because one egg is un œuf
 |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *ryan...Man
over a year ago
1950's Original |
A man shouted across from the other side of the lake
"how do I get to the other side"?
I shouted back
"you're on the other side"  |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I like to pretend I'm Les Dennis by walking up to a complete stranger at the airport, putting my arm around them then pointing up at the departures board. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I've just failed my RAF acceptance exam.
Apparently, "The Bombay Doors" are not an Indian tribute band. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I was walking down the street, someone threw cheese at me. I said to them "That wasn't very mature" |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Q. What do you do if you see a spaceman?
A.
Park your car maaaaaaan |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I went to the zoo yesterday, but there was only one dog in it.
It was a Shih Tzu |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
What's the difference between light and hard?
I can get to sleep with a light on |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *elnkazCouple
over a year ago
cheshire |
What do you call a boomerang thats broken??? A stick...
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What is the shortest dinosaur...ankly sore arse  |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I was caught pouring domestos over some fruit.
I was done for bleach of the peach! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
They say you are what you eat- makes me a twat then! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Guy goes up to bar...barman says what do want Donkey?....guy next him says why did he call you Donkey?...He replies I dont know...Eeyore Eeyore he always calls me donkey... |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *humper.Man
over a year ago
northumberland/scotland |
What bird is always our of breath?
Puffin. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *ttmcdguyTV/TS
over a year ago
Milton Keynes |
Saw a cleaner the other day washing her fanny with a mop
I thought what a flash c#$t |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
[Removed by poster at 03/09/22 20:11:14] |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I threw my wife a surprise bukakke party.
Everyone came.
You should have seen her face.
A"
Lmao, best I’ve heard for ages |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *uke OzadeMan
over a year ago
Ho Chi Minge City |
Spider-Man sprays sticky white stuff on someone and he’s a hero. I do it and I’m a pervert! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Ma scarecrow jus got a gold medal for bein outstanding in his field?? |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Q do you know what I can't understand
A Chinese writing ?? |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What is blue and very light?
Light blue |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
My dog is called Minton.
Today he ate the shuttlecock and netting from the sport I play.
.
.
Bad Minton |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What is Blue and smels like Red paint ?
BLUE PAINT !! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What do you call a German pedofile ???
Vits nicentight |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Spider-Man sprays sticky white stuff on someone and he’s a hero. I do it and I’m a pervert! "
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
If Gays come out of the Closet, what comes out of the Kitchen?
Pansexuals |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What's the best way to grill a chicken?
First, you hold it securely by the neck. Then, you waterboard it and scream "WHY DID YOU CROSS THE FUCKING ROAD?" |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I've been telling people of the benefits of eating dried fruit. I'm raisin awareness. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *rispyDuckMan
over a year ago
Chinese Takeaway near you |
What do Lawyers wear to work?
A Law suit |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Your dad is so dumb he fell in love and even got stuck |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
My mate said he heard IVF was 100% successful 100% of the time. I told him...thats a misconception |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *yronMan
over a year ago
grangemouth |
Why don't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *istalloverCouple
over a year ago
Pays de la Loire -Normandie -Brittany borderFrance |
What tv presenter was named after a packet of cigarettes
Sue Perkins |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *asilForty77Man
over a year ago
a hundred and sixty of us living in a small shoebox in the middle of the road |
I bought a dog from a blacksmith and as soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Why did the Adobe Acrobat document get put on the sex offenders register?
Because it was a PDF file... |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Why does the Little Mermaid wear seashells?
*
*
Because she grew out of her B shells…. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *ister CMan
over a year ago
liverpool |
My penis isn't 12inches long but I really does smell like a foot... |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Bought my son a light bulb for Christmas,should have seen his face light up when turned it on |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
[Removed by poster at 10/09/22 02:34:43] |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I've just seen a snake that was 3.14 metres long.
It must have been a pi-thon.
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Man and a giraffe go out on the lash, get horrendously d*unk and the giraffe passes out in the 10th pub. Barman says to the guy..”you going to leave that lying there”?…man says..”he’s not a lion, he’s a giraffe”
I’ll get my coat  |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Why don't you ever see a pregnant Barbie doll?
Because Ken came in a different box |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Two golf clubs go into a pub. The first golf club says to the barman "I'll have a whiskey". The barman says "What about your pal? Beer? Spirit?"
The first golf club says
"Only a non alcoholic drink, he's the driver" |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *inaTitzTV/TS
over a year ago
Titz Towers, North Notts |
My wife died of the Big C.
She drowned in the Atlantic.
Copyright Gary Delaney  |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Can anyone remember that osteopath joke that was posted?
It was about a week back |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Thought it was too good to be true..the other day the mrs said tie me up and do what ever you want .apparently going fishing for the day wasnt what she ment ... |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *ryan...Man
over a year ago
1950's Original |
A Swedish man walks into ABBA |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Teacher: What was Robin Hood's girlfriend called?
Little Boy: Truly Glenn.
Teacher: No, it was Maid Marion.
Little Boy: But song goes 'Robin Hood, Robin Hood riding Trudy Glenn...' |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"Teacher: What was Robin Hood's girlfriend called?
Little Boy: Truly Glenn.
Teacher: No, it was Maid Marion.
Little Boy: But song goes 'Robin Hood, Robin Hood riding Trudy Glenn...'"
Trudy, not Truly lol |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
My doctor says I'm addicted to drinking brake fluid. I can stop anytime. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Can pencils do a poo?
Of course,- how else could you have a number two pencil... |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Not a dad joke more a dirty one
Do you prefer colgate or crest
I myself would like to give you oral-b
Not my joke just one off my meny cringe worthy dms from another platform |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Which Knight always arrived at Camelot unexpectedly?
Sir Prise |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
A guy in pub with octopus says it can play any instrument you bring...it plays pianio, trumpet etc everything thats brought in, until someone gives it bagpipes! Octopus is there wrestling with them, guy says whats up cant you play em? Octopus replies play em? I'm trying to get her knickers off! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Now that Her Majesty has passed away there will be no more telegrams for people reaching their 100th birthday.
Instead, Prince Andrew will send a dick pic on their 14th... |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I asked my PA if they could take notes during a meeting, she suggested I used my dictaphone.
Needless to say my court case is next week |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To hide their butt quacks. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *asilForty77Man
over a year ago
a hundred and sixty of us living in a small shoebox in the middle of the road |
How do you make a pool table laugh? Tickle its balls |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Doctor, doctor, I feel like a supermarket
And how long have you had this feeling?
Since I was Lidl.... |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I used to meet a woman who punched me in the face every time she had an orgasm.
I didn't mind until I found out she was faking them. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
My mate set me up on a blind date & said, "Heads up, she's expecting a baby." Felt like an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
