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Dr Holes drop in clinic
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"My left ball is hanging lower than the right one 
Ah, this is very easy to fix. You need to wank with your left hand twice a day for a week. "
But I'm right handed  |
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"Hi Dr Holes!
I err... slipped and got a grapefruit stuck up my bum!  "
This is a common problem on here luckily. I’ve found it you sit on a juicer for 10 minutes daily for 2 weeks then you should be able to shit the skin out with no problems at all.
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"Hi Dr Holes!
I err... slipped and got a grapefruit stuck up my bum!
I read that and my first thought was, what does a grapefruit look like  "
Seriously? . It's like a large orange but either yellow or yellow with a pink tone. |
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"My left ball is hanging lower than the right one
Ah, this is very easy to fix. You need to wank with your left hand twice a day for a week.
But I'm right handed "
Get pumping the left arm, unless you want a saggy left plum that is  |
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"Hi Dr Holes!
I err... slipped and got a grapefruit stuck up my bum!
This is a common problem on here luckily. I’ve found it you sit on a juicer for 10 minutes daily for 2 weeks then you should be able to shit the skin out with no problems at all.
"
Thank you Dr! You're a lifesaver! Or should I say bumsaver! |
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"I’m not joking, I know two colleagues named Dr Alcock and Hole. The funny part was they were working next to each other. Cracked me up every time I passed their room at the surgery  "
That’s my Dad’s practice |
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"Hi Dr Holes!
I err... slipped and got a grapefruit stuck up my bum!
This is a common problem on here luckily. I’ve found it you sit on a juicer for 10 minutes daily for 2 weeks then you should be able to shit the skin out with no problems at all.
Thank you Dr! You're a lifesaver! Or should I say bumsaver! "
Make sure you wash the juicer with spunk to stop infections |
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"My willy stopped growing whats the cure"
Have you tried inserting your finger up your bum to press the reset button. This should work. If not try increasing your porn intake, preferably before bedtime |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I keep getting my words mixed up
Licking the tip of knob for 5 days will stop you becoming tongue tied  "
A door knob? You’re not very clear Dr. I once got told to put my medicine in my back passage, before long i was tripping over it and had to move it into the kitchen |
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"I got my penis stuck in one of those Chinese finger traps and I can't get it off "
You’re fucked mate. However you could be in luck as I know someone who’s selling cocks this weekend. He sells them by the inch of your interested? |
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"I keep getting my words mixed up
Licking the tip of knob for 5 days will stop you becoming tongue tied
A door knob? You’re not very clear Dr. I once got told to put my medicine in my back passage, before long i was tripping over it and had to move it into the kitchen "
A knob of butter FFS |
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"My sex drive has gotten wildly out of control. I’m worried my vagina will cause me to start humping the legs of strangers on the morning commute. What do I do? "
I can see a queue forming to issue assistance already. |
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"My sex drive has gotten wildly out of control. I’m worried my vagina will cause me to start humping the legs of strangers on the morning commute. What do I do? "
I’d suggest rubbing your front bum on the carpet rather like a dog does when it’s got worms for 10 minutes daily. If this doesn’t work I’d suggest changing your bus route |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I got my penis stuck in one of those Chinese finger traps and I can't get it off
You’re fucked mate. However you could be in luck as I know someone who’s selling cocks this weekend. He sells them by the inch of your interested? "
I can spare some change for a couple of inches, can't be feeling all emasculated now |
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"My sex drive has gotten wildly out of control. I’m worried my vagina will cause me to start humping the legs of strangers on the morning commute. What do I do?
I’d suggest rubbing your front bum on the carpet rather like a dog does when it’s got worms for 10 minutes daily. If this doesn’t work I’d suggest changing your bus route "
My issue is with my commute I take a taxi if if don’t drive myself. I’m going to cause an accident.
I’ll try the carpet thing. I’ll whizz around my lounge and let you know the results. |
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"My sex drive has gotten wildly out of control. I’m worried my vagina will cause me to start humping the legs of strangers on the morning commute. What do I do?
I’d suggest rubbing your front bum on the carpet rather like a dog does when it’s got worms for 10 minutes daily. If this doesn’t work I’d suggest changing your bus route
My issue is with my commute I take a taxi if if don’t drive myself. I’m going to cause an accident.
I’ll try the carpet thing. I’ll whizz around my lounge and let you know the results. "
If it doesn’t work it’ll pick up any crumbs off the floor anyway. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Hi Dr Holes!
I err... slipped and got a grapefruit stuck up my bum!
This is a common problem on here luckily. I’ve found it you sit on a juicer for 10 minutes daily for 2 weeks then you should be able to shit the skin out with no problems at all.
"
Feckin Nora... That's enough internet for midnight today |
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"My sex drive has gotten wildly out of control. I’m worried my vagina will cause me to start humping the legs of strangers on the morning commute. What do I do?
I’d suggest rubbing your front bum on the carpet rather like a dog does when it’s got worms for 10 minutes daily. If this doesn’t work I’d suggest changing your bus route
My issue is with my commute I take a taxi if if don’t drive myself. I’m going to cause an accident.
I’ll try the carpet thing. I’ll whizz around my lounge and let you know the results.
If it doesn’t work it’ll pick up any crumbs off the floor anyway. "
And don’t forget the shake n vac |
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"Hi Dr Holes!
I err... slipped and got a grapefruit stuck up my bum!
This is a common problem on here luckily. I’ve found it you sit on a juicer for 10 minutes daily for 2 weeks then you should be able to shit the skin out with no problems at all.
Feckin Nora... That's enough internet for midnight today "
Would you like to sit on my juicer?  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Hi Dr Holes!
I err... slipped and got a grapefruit stuck up my bum!
This is a common problem on here luckily. I’ve found it you sit on a juicer for 10 minutes daily for 2 weeks then you should be able to shit the skin out with no problems at all.
Feckin Nora... That's enough internet for midnight today
Would you like to sit on my juicer? "
Err strangely.. No  |
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"I got my penis stuck in one of those Chinese finger traps and I can't get it off
If you keep tugging you'll eventually get off.
You’ve been listening in to my sessions haven’t you "
Dr Holes medical school |
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"I have a sore big toe on my right foot..nail is OK, nothing dropped on it.. Just the pad of the toe hurts... How can you help? "
I’d suggest having both ankles positioned over your head so I can get a good look at your camel toe. Probably best if you take your bra off as well to make sure you don’t restrict blood flow to your damaged digit |
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"I got my penis stuck in one of those Chinese finger traps and I can't get it off
If you keep tugging you'll eventually get off.
You’ve been listening in to my sessions haven’t you
Dr Holes medical school "
On podcast |
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"After an unexpected session earlier I’m blowing fanny bubbles. How do I stop them?
J x"
Ah, this is common in the early Spring months. I’d suggest buying one of those bike inner tube puncture repair kits and stick it over the hole. I’d test it for leaks with spunk though to be on the safe side. |
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"I keep getting my words mixed up
Licking the tip of knob for 5 days will stop you becoming tongue tied
A door knob? You’re not very clear Dr. I once got told to put my medicine in my back passage, before long i was tripping over it and had to move it into the kitchen "
Your not a drugs mule are you? Lol |
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"After an unexpected session earlier I’m blowing fanny bubbles. How do I stop them?
J x
Ah, this is common in the early Spring months. I’d suggest buying one of those bike inner tube puncture repair kits and stick it over the hole. I’d test it for leaks with spunk though to be on the safe side. "
Cheers! Do you think they’ll apply it for me at Halfords? |
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By *irthandgirthMan
over a year ago
Camberley occasionally doncaster |
Had a little stationery accident during a sex game and I now have a lady with her labia stapled to the inside of her knees, which is obviously a very delicate situation.
I cannot find a staple extractor anywhere.
Any help gratefully received. |
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"Dr Holes, how to I make my bum enjoy cock? I like it while spooning, and sometimes on my back, but it really hurts in any other position. Do you think my bum will ever be cured? "
I’d suggest a good sniff of Doctor Holesisisis magic smelling hanky. This will guarantee to cure your naughty bullet hole |
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"After an unexpected session earlier I’m blowing fanny bubbles. How do I stop them?
J x
Ah, this is common in the early Spring months. I’d suggest buying one of those bike inner tube puncture repair kits and stick it over the hole. I’d test it for leaks with spunk though to be on the safe side.
Cheers! Do you think they’ll apply it for me at Halfords? "
Yes but it’s a £15 service I’m afraid |
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"Dr Holes, how to I make my bum enjoy cock? I like it while spooning, and sometimes on my back, but it really hurts in any other position. Do you think my bum will ever be cured?
I’d suggest a good sniff of Doctor Holesisisis magic smelling hanky. This will guarantee to cure your naughty bullet hole "
Have you got an opening for me Dr? I’d like to book in. Your opening. |
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"I have a problem with my nipples. Every time I hear a certain word they grow 1cm.
How can you help? "
This one is easy, I’d suggest to keep listening to the word until your nipples are long enough to put in your ears then you won’t hear the word again |
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"Had a little stationery accident during a sex game and I now have a lady with her labia stapled to the inside of her knees, which is obviously a very delicate situation.
I cannot find a staple extractor anywhere.
Any help gratefully received."
I have a friend I can refer you to. His name is Dr Uri Gellar. He’ll ask you to stare into your TV and say the magic words ‘kneesy does it’ and the staples will magically bend and set the piss flaps free |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I have a problem with my nipples. Every time I hear a certain word they grow 1cm.
How can you help?
This one is easy, I’d suggest to keep listening to the word until your nipples are long enough to put in your ears then you won’t hear the word again "
Lol  |
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"Dr Holes, how to I make my bum enjoy cock? I like it while spooning, and sometimes on my back, but it really hurts in any other position. Do you think my bum will ever be cured?
I’d suggest a good sniff of Doctor Holesisisis magic smelling hanky. This will guarantee to cure your naughty bullet hole
Have you got an opening for me Dr? I’d like to book in. Your opening. "
I’m sure I could squeeze into you  |
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"I need to see the doctor again. The advice I was given was awful. I have carpet burns on bijingo
I've got some salve for that. If the doc let's you down. "
So generous of you. I’ll pull my pjs down now |
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"I need to see the doctor again. The advice I was given was awful. I have carpet burns on bijingo "
I did insist you shave your minge before self medicating. The only way to fix this now is to place some malteasers in your knickers for your taxi driver to munch on when he takes you to work |
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"I need to see the doctor again. The advice I was given was awful. I have carpet burns on bijingo
I've got some salve for that. If the doc let's you down. "
•
He offered me some salve the other day!!! Watch him, Måggy is a serial hustler! |
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"I need to see the doctor again. The advice I was given was awful. I have carpet burns on bijingo
I've got some salve for that. If the doc let's you down.
•
He offered me some salve the other day!!! Watch him, Måggy is a serial hustler! "
Yeah yours was on your lips, I have a bit more finesse when applying it to Jamie's vag. |
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"I need to see the doctor again. The advice I was given was awful. I have carpet burns on bijingo
I've got some salve for that. If the doc let's you down.
•
He offered me some salve the other day!!! Watch him, Måggy is a serial hustler!
Yeah yours was on your lips, I have a bit more finesse when applying it to Jamie's vag. "
•
Kill two birds with one stone: smear it on my lips and then I'll kiss it onto Jamie Pant's våg.  |
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"Dr Holes, a let a bloke from St Helens touch me on my breasticles. I think I caught something nasty, cos ever since, I've had a funny colour to my wee. Any thoughts? "
Don’t worry it’s quite a normal reaction. This is called fanny juice as I’ve no doubt he was a hotty that touched your boobs. I’d recommend 2 fingerblasts daily, one in the morning and one just before bedtime |
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"My middle testical is bigger than the other two "
Ah, this is very common in ladies these days. I’d suggest giving it a good squeeze until all the yellow stuff pops out. I’d also recommend you don’t eat wotsits for at least a month now. |
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Dr Holes, please can you help me?
I think I've lost my clitoris! I know I had it the other night as a strange gentle fellow was using it to chalk his snooker cue.
Has it fallen off?
Will it grow back?
Really rather worried, Dr Holes. |
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"Dr Holes, please can you help me?
I think I've lost my clitoris! I know I had it the other night as a strange gentle fellow was using it to chalk his snooker cue.
Has it fallen off?
Will it grow back?
Really rather worried, Dr Holes. "
•
HØles will have to refer you to the National Health Cervix. |
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By *errocaWoman
over a year ago
Shropshire |
"I have a sore big toe on my right foot..nail is OK, nothing dropped on it.. Just the pad of the toe hurts... How can you help?
I’d suggest having both ankles positioned over your head so I can get a good look at your camel toe. Probably best if you take your bra off as well to make sure you don’t restrict blood flow to your damaged digit "
Still not any better |
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"Dr Holes, please can you help me?
I think I've lost my clitoris! I know I had it the other night as a strange gentle fellow was using it to chalk his snooker cue.
Has it fallen off?
Will it grow back?
Really rather worried, Dr Holes.
•
HØles will have to refer you to the National Health Cervix."
Your puns are pun-tastic, good sir! X |
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"Dr Holes, please can you help me?
I think I've lost my clitoris! I know I had it the other night as a strange gentle fellow was using it to chalk his snooker cue.
Has it fallen off?
Will it grow back?
Really rather worried, Dr Holes. "
It’s rather touch and go with this condition as my last patient died shortly after she took my prick in her arse
I think the only way this will grow back is if you look at Dr Holes profile on FabDoctors and it will grow and swell in no time at all.. I’d remove your valuable ornaments off your mantelpiece first though cause I wouldn’t want you to knock them off with your squirt juice when perusing such material |
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"Dr Holes. Every time I see my breasts in the mirror I think of you, and I'm not sure that's healthy. What do you suggest?"
I’d need you to come into surgery for this one so I can have a good butchers |
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"I have a sore big toe on my right foot..nail is OK, nothing dropped on it.. Just the pad of the toe hurts... How can you help?
I’d suggest having both ankles positioned over your head so I can get a good look at your camel toe. Probably best if you take your bra off as well to make sure you don’t restrict blood flow to your damaged digit
Still not any better "
I think I’d would need to take your temperature to reassess your condition. Can you remove your knickers and spread your cheeks please |
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"Dr Holes, please can you help me?
I think I've lost my clitoris! I know I had it the other night as a strange gentle fellow was using it to chalk his snooker cue.
Has it fallen off?
Will it grow back?
Really rather worried, Dr Holes.
It’s rather touch and go with this condition as my last patient died shortly after she took my prick in her arse
I think the only way this will grow back is if you look at Dr Holes profile on FabDoctors and it will grow and swell in no time at all.. I’d remove your valuable ornaments off your mantelpiece first though cause I wouldn’t want you to knock them off with your squirt juice when perusing such material "
Thank you Doctor. But is this some kind of aversion therapy? I mean looking at said material usually makes me want to gag. And not in the good way.
But, I shall do as you say. What that maxim you doctors trot out on a regular basis? Oh yes. "Youll just feel a little prick" |
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"Dr Holes, please can you help me?
I think I've lost my clitoris! I know I had it the other night as a strange gentle fellow was using it to chalk his snooker cue.
Has it fallen off?
Will it grow back?
Really rather worried, Dr Holes.
It’s rather touch and go with this condition as my last patient died shortly after she took my prick in her arse
I think the only way this will grow back is if you look at Dr Holes profile on FabDoctors and it will grow and swell in no time at all.. I’d remove your valuable ornaments off your mantelpiece first though cause I wouldn’t want you to knock them off with your squirt juice when perusing such material
Thank you Doctor. But is this some kind of aversion therapy? I mean looking at said material usually makes me want to gag. And not in the good way.
But, I shall do as you say. What that maxim you doctors trot out on a regular basis? Oh yes. "Youll just feel a little prick" "
Yes. Now can you feel my balls when you cough please |
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"Dr holes, I can’t stop getting my boobs out! Can you help please? "
The only thing I can advise here is two big spoonfuls of cock to be taken before eating. Not too much though as it’s highly addictive.
Alternatively give them to me and I’ll look after them for you |
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"Dr holes, I can’t stop getting my boobs out! Can you help please?
The only thing I can advise here is two big spoonfuls of cock to be taken before eating. Not too much though as it’s highly addictive.
Alternatively give them to me and I’ll look after them for you "
Ah I like both of those prescriptions |
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"I think my cock is shrinking and I heard the best cure is a MFF, is this true?
Yes your cock is shrinking. There’s nothing I can do for you
But what about the MFF "
I think I can prescribe this for a hole year, for free of course |
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"Dr holes, I can’t stop getting my boobs out! Can you help please?
The only thing I can advise here is two big spoonfuls of cock to be taken before eating. Not too much though as it’s highly addictive.
Alternatively give them to me and I’ll look after them for you
Ah I like both of those prescriptions "
So do I, if you know what your Doctor means |
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"I think my cock is shrinking and I heard the best cure is a MFF, is this true?
Yes your cock is shrinking. There’s nothing I can do for you
But what about the MFF
I think I can prescribe this for a hole year, for free of course "
Prescriptions are free in Wales anyway |
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"Dr Holes, a let a bloke from St Helens touch me on my breasticles. I think I caught something nasty, cos ever since, I've had a funny colour to my wee. Any thoughts?
Don’t worry it’s quite a normal reaction. This is called fanny juice as I’ve no doubt he was a hotty that touched your boobs. I’d recommend 2 fingerblasts daily, one in the morning and one just before bedtime "
One finger or two? Is it a two-course treatment or just the one? |
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"Dr Holes, a let a bloke from St Helens touch me on my breasticles. I think I caught something nasty, cos ever since, I've had a funny colour to my wee. Any thoughts?
Don’t worry it’s quite a normal reaction. This is called fanny juice as I’ve no doubt he was a hotty that touched your boobs. I’d recommend 2 fingerblasts daily, one in the morning and one just before bedtime
One finger or two? Is it a two-course treatment or just the one? "
Read the flaming instructions on the box. Do you think I’m some sort of quack or something??
PS two fingers in the front or rear bum |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"My middle testical is bigger than the other two
Ah, this is very common in ladies these days. I’d suggest giving it a good squeeze until all the yellow stuff pops out. I’d also recommend you don’t eat wotsits for at least a month now. "
I tried what you suggested,
I now have 4 testicles, a twitchy eye qnd the cat is staring at me shadily |
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"My middle testical is bigger than the other two
Ah, this is very common in ladies these days. I’d suggest giving it a good squeeze until all the yellow stuff pops out. I’d also recommend you don’t eat wotsits for at least a month now. I tried what you suggested,
I now have 4 testicles, a twitchy eye qnd the cat is staring at me shadily"
Ah, this is testicularitisis and that’s not easy to say. I’d suggest putting your ballbag in the egg tray of your fridge for 24hrs. It probably won’t do fuck all for you as it’s groundbreaking medical science but we’ll give it a go. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"My middle testical is bigger than the other two
Ah, this is very common in ladies these days. I’d suggest giving it a good squeeze until all the yellow stuff pops out. I’d also recommend you don’t eat wotsits for at least a month now. I tried what you suggested,
I now have 4 testicles, a twitchy eye qnd the cat is staring at me shadily
Ah, this is testicularitisis and that’s not easy to say. I’d suggest putting your ballbag in the egg tray of your fridge for 24hrs. It probably won’t do fuck all for you as it’s groundbreaking medical science but we’ll give it a go. "
are the micky mouse ears optional? |
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"I think my cock is shrinking and I heard the best cure is a MFF, is this true?
Yes your cock is shrinking. There’s nothing I can do for you
But what about the MFF
I think I can prescribe this for a hole year, for free of course
Prescriptions are free in Wales anyway "
Yes they are |
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for gross négligée (sic).