FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Insecurity and jealousy
Insecurity and jealousy
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I don’t think they can tbh. Somewhere along the line it will surface.
We’ve witnessed it in clubs and once on a meet. Not pleasant.
Swinging and jealousy do not work.
Viv |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I did a thread about this recently that I must go back to!
But I have felt feelings of many things in my poly life. Not jealous of any of my partners having other partners. Sometimes jealousy that they don’t want to spend as much time with me as they do with others. It’s difficult but I think it’s worth unpacking your feelings and being honest about them. Not asking someone to change their behaviour because of your feelings but maybe just acknowledge them and reassure you in some way? I’m no expert clearly but I think that’s what I would do  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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There's a really good article I was given a link to about polyamory and jealousy. It's a very interesting read. I know youre not talking about polyamory but the reason behind the jealousy in the article and how to deal with it are still applicable. Not sure if I can post it though.
PW |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"There's a really good article I was given a link to about polyamory and jealousy. It's a very interesting read. I know youre not talking about polyamory but the reason behind the jealousy in the article and how to deal with it are still applicable. Not sure if I can post it though.
PW "
Thanks for sharing it |
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I've never felt any jealousy over physical actions, which is what I class swinging as...it's an enjoyable physical act. I wouldn't feel jealous about him playing tennis or going for a walk, so why would I feel jealous about him swinging?
Where I do feel jealousy though is with emotional attachment. Not family, friends etc, but romantic emotions...that's my line, I don't share romantic partners emotionally. That's where communication comes in. We talk about what we're both comfortable with, we're honest about how we're feeling, and we will continue to revisit the same discussions and check in with each other as we continue to explore this lifestyle together and experience different things, tweaking our agreed boundaries if we mutually agree that we should. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"How do people control their jealousy when swinging?
"
I guess jealousy is caused through lack of communication and therefore inadvertently overstepping boundaries?
One person feels neglected or pushed aside maybe??
I think the ultimate Q to ask yourself is 'do you want the other person to be happy' and then figure out how to do that without destroying what you have and with out making yourself unhappy... Its a balance
Discussing and setting boundaries definitely helps.. Periodically revisit them - did things change - why etc |
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By *rispyDuckMan
over a year ago
Chinese Takeaway near you |
I've never been the jealous type since my very 1st relationship. To me jealousy partly stems from insecurities within!
- find your self worth
- know u cannot claim anyone for yourself. Its their choice if they want you & you only
- learn to let go. (Things don't workout, oh well & move on) 
Those are just a few examples of how I deal with jealousy when it pokes its ugly head lol  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I don't get jealousy. I once was part of group sex in a club when the wife got very jealous and stormed out of the room in tears. It was embarrassing. They should of stopped swinging there and then but I saw them in the club again a few weeks later. The woman ignored me and the husband gave me a lovely smile when the wife wasn't looking. It's really sad actually and it wasn't fair on me at all.
People like that shouldn't be swinging, end of. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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In general I am a very jealous person, however when it came to swinging and swapping partners it never bothered me. I think you need to be very secure in a relationship to do it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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When I first joined Fab with my then partner, it turned out to hat he was jealous of seeing me with another man. He never really got used to seeing me with the man of the couple especially as he was so self conscious being with another woman. One of the reasons why I eventually set up my own profile. Over the years I've seen couples argue and have split up over jealousy. It's never bothered me but if jealousy and feeling insecure then this lifestyle isn't for you x |
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"I've never felt any jealousy over physical actions, which is what I class swinging as...it's an enjoyable physical act. I wouldn't feel jealous about him playing tennis or going for a walk, so why would I feel jealous about him swinging?
Where I do feel jealousy though is with emotional attachment. Not family, friends etc, but romantic emotions...that's my line, I don't share romantic partners emotionally. That's where communication comes in. We talk about what we're both comfortable with, we're honest about how we're feeling, and we will continue to revisit the same discussions and check in with each other as we continue to explore this lifestyle together and experience different things, tweaking our agreed boundaries if we mutually agree that we should. "
 This is exactly the way we both feel .. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It is a strange one.
If Dora was to flirt with a guy on a vanilla night out I’d be jealous probably but in a club or on fab it’s a turn on for me.
I think it has to do with consent and respect.
If it’s on a vanilla night out then the guy she’s flirting with wouldn’t know we’re swingers and so wouldn’t have any respect for me as my woman (in his eyes) needs a better man.
Also Dora has my consent to play and be admired as a Hotwife when we’re out out although of course she chooses to give me this. |
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I think that it's important to look at the trigger for any jealousy that you feel.
What is behind it; are you feeling insecure about your appearance, your sexual skills, are you wanting to try that new thing with him/her, has a boundary been crossed and you need to communicate that. (Obv those are just ideas of what could be behind it)
Then work out how to help manage those feelings - what can you do, and what can your partner do to support you in that
MJ x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I’ve no idea. I couldn’t do it. Is it jealousy though, not wanting to see the person you love with someone else? I wouldn’t call it jealousy.
I’d call it pretty standard! "
This for me too! I know I couldn’t swing. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Also, important to remember that not wanting to think about or see your partner with some neons else is perfectly valid. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’re lacking confidence or insecure, some people just don’t want to share their partner and that’s fine too! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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its simple .. there is none never have been never will be .... i think theres no room for insecure or jealous people in swinging it just wont work especially if your a couple ... may seem ok in the short term but it will destroy you in the long run ... seen it so many times |
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By *ancer36Woman
over a year ago
Stirling |
"Also, important to remember that not wanting to think about or see your partner with some neons else is perfectly valid. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’re lacking confidence or insecure, some people just don’t want to share their partner and that’s fine too! "
I think this is fine if there partner also doesn’t want to be shared, sometimes there is a pressure on one half to suppress themselves in order to keep the other half happy and that’s where cracks will appear. If both people communicate and are open and honest with each other about what works for them we learn to adapt, compromise it’s where complete change is expected from someone I find it never works and often leads the suppressed person to go behind the others back to fulfil needs they don’t get from there current partner. I’ve always found the concept of gaining everything you want or desire from one human difficult to comprehend, whilst I don’t wish to have sexual relations with multiple people a 2/3 person dynamic works for me and I’m forthright about this when meeting people regularly xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Also, important to remember that not wanting to think about or see your partner with some neons else is perfectly valid. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’re lacking confidence or insecure, some people just don’t want to share their partner and that’s fine too! "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It is a strange one.
If Dora was to flirt with a guy on a vanilla night out I’d be jealous probably but in a club or on fab it’s a turn on for me.
I think it has to do with consent and respect.
If it’s on a vanilla night out then the guy she’s flirting with wouldn’t know we’re swingers and so wouldn’t have any respect for me as my woman (in his eyes) needs a better man.
Also Dora has my consent to play and be admired as a Hotwife when we’re out out although of course she chooses to give me this. "
That makes sense to me.  |
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Hindsight, I wish I knew he was jealous, things would have been done differently. If only I knew. It might of saved a relationship.
I think jealousy and swinging do not mix.
Open conversations needed to be had before and during.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Jealousy and swinging are not bedroom buddy's. What you have got to ask is why is there jealous as it maybe some that can be worked out. But in most cases if there is jealous then swinging is not for you.
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"Also, important to remember that not wanting to think about or see your partner with some neons else is perfectly valid. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’re lacking confidence or insecure, some people just don’t want to share their partner and that’s fine too!
I think this is fine if there partner also doesn’t want to be shared, sometimes there is a pressure on one half to suppress themselves in order to keep the other half happy and that’s where cracks will appear. If both people communicate and are open and honest with each other about what works for them we learn to adapt, compromise it’s where complete change is expected from someone I find it never works and often leads the suppressed person to go behind the others back to fulfil needs they don’t get from there current partner. I’ve always found the concept of gaining everything you want or desire from one human difficult to comprehend, whilst I don’t wish to have sexual relations with multiple people a 2/3 person dynamic works for me and I’m forthright about this when meeting people regularly xx"
Agree with this, I can’t think of anything worse than someone suppressing themselves, not being true to themselves, to please another.
Open honest communication from the start is really important, also gives you an indication if you are on the same page or not. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Be honest with the parson that u meet and have fun as I find my busy life not got time for boyfriend
But then u never know if someone come along well u just come off the site no point in the green eye Monster lol play and unjoy the time u have with male or female  |
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"How do people control their jealousy when swinging?
I think the ultimate Q to ask yourself is 'do you want the other person to be happy' and then figure out how to do that without destroying what you have and with out making yourself unhappy... Its a balance "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"How do people control their jealousy when swinging?
I think the ultimate Q to ask yourself is 'do you want the other person to be happy' and then figure out how to do that without destroying what you have and with out making yourself unhappy... Its a balance "
After many years of a sex less marriage I had a girlfriend who I had great uninhibited sex with and she "confessed" to me one night as we were watching mfm porn that she had always fancied a threesome but didn't have the courage to tell her previous partners. It was so refreshing to meet someone with such an health attitude to, enjoying the physical pleasure of sex that I did manage to arrange some mfm threesomes. And it felt wonderful seeing her sucking another guys cock and sucking our two cocks together. Even better seeing other guys cocks fucking her cunt and arse and seeing her really enjoying it. I was in no way jealous.. Quite the opposite it felt so loving to be able to help her maximise her sexuality. She told me she fantasized about being gangbanged as well but unfortunately we never did get around to that. Other non sexual circumstances intervened and we drifted apart and eventually split. But I still remember the incredibly warm loving feeling I felt during the threesomes. Probably the strongest feeling of love I've ever experienced. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"How do people control their jealousy when swinging?
"
I'm going to say something some could view as controversial here OP .
they don't get jealous because there getting there own needs meet through the acts they are up to . i think people only get jealous when there not getting what they want when others are . controversial maybe but i really do believe its that simple. |
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I get a prang sometimes and I know My Girl does. It's perfectly human and think even the best of us occasionally get a prang. For me my best tool to overcome it is logic. I take a step back and remind myself how secure we are together, that there genuinely is nothing to fear and how awesome this freedom is for both of us. Normally melts quickly way. Also we are very open with each other and our feeling. So if needs be with talk it through and send it packing. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I thrive on mixed emotions.
For example, when Mrs was living out her fantasy of picking up a guy in nightclub.
When she messaged to say she's found the one and it's happening, the rush of almost fear and lustful urges was rather very exciting.
I feel though that I don't particularly suffer with jealousy, and rather feel envy. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I just look at things differently. I feel a little jealous…I sit. Breath. Have a think about who the person is and if I think they are doing it to make me jealous. If not, I get over it.
If I think they are, I would talk to them. And then if I still think they are I move on from any friendship we had.
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"I thrive on mixed emotions.
For example, when Mrs was living out her fantasy of picking up a guy in nightclub.
When she messaged to say she's found the one and it's happening, the rush of almost fear and lustful urges was rather very exciting.
I feel though that I don't particularly suffer with jealousy, and rather feel envy. "
That resonates. Especially the envy rather than jealousy. I confess sometimes there is something selfish inside me. For example when I can't make a night out, party or club night but My Girl can. On one hand I'm really excited for her and want her to fill her boots. On the other hand I really hate missing out sharing that with her. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I don’t share my stuff.
Maybe you're on the wrong site then"
Much. I don’t get why people linger around in a swinging site with this reply.
Do they try to steal other peoples stuff? |
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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
To me jealousy isn’t about the other person, it comes from an insecurity within the person feeling it.
It’s the fear of losing that person, them finding someone better or feelings of being replaced.
Jealousy is often expressed outwardly, that it’s the other person’s actions causing it, in reality it’s fear and insecurity or a desire to ‘have’ that person alone.
I find that it’s important to reframe those feelings and understand where the insecurity comes from, why the jealousy is present and remember that they’re their own person, free to make choices and not anyone’s to possess.
Jealousy is a toxic thing in any situation, even more so when it’s used as a tool to express commitment and can be very destructive in situations on here.
I think that jealousy is a personal issue to be dealt with, not to be aimed at others, someone else’s problem to solve or used as a way to control someone |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I don’t share my stuff.
Maybe you're on the wrong site then
Nah. I don’t either and I’m quite happy with the site "
Are you saying you’ve got stuff you’re not sharing ? |
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"I don’t share my stuff.
Maybe you're on the wrong site then
Nah. I don’t either and I’m quite happy with the site
Are you saying you’ve got stuff you’re not sharing ? "
You could have my last rolo though |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I don’t share my stuff.
Maybe you're on the wrong site then
Nah. I don’t either and I’m quite happy with the site
Are you saying you’ve got stuff you’re not sharing ?
You could have my last rolo though "
Don’t you want me to pop it in your mouth instead? |
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"I don’t share my stuff.
Maybe you're on the wrong site then
Nah. I don’t either and I’m quite happy with the site
Are you saying you’ve got stuff you’re not sharing ?
You could have my last rolo though
Don’t you want me to pop it in your mouth instead? "
Before or after you’ve eaten the rolo? |
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"How do people control their jealousy when swinging?
"
I compartmentalise, every thought and feeling has it's own little box in my brain 
So swinging has a box.
Real life has a box etc.
Making things more easy for me to deal with my life
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I don’t share my stuff.
Maybe you're on the wrong site then
Nah. I don’t either and I’m quite happy with the site
Are you saying you’ve got stuff you’re not sharing ?
You could have my last rolo though
Don’t you want me to pop it in your mouth instead?
Before or after you’ve eaten the rolo?"
I’ll grab your coat for you…..
I don’t need mine, I’m feeling a little hot around the collar..  |
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"I don’t share my stuff.
Maybe you're on the wrong site then
Nah. I don’t either and I’m quite happy with the site
Are you saying you’ve got stuff you’re not sharing ?
You could have my last rolo though
Don’t you want me to pop it in your mouth instead?
Before or after you’ve eaten the rolo?
I’ll grab your coat for you…..
I don’t need mine, I’m feeling a little hot around the collar.. "
Coat! I’m northern. It’s May! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"How do people control their jealousy when swinging?
I compartmentalise, every thought and feeling has it's own little box in my brain
So swinging has a box.
Real life has a box etc.
Making things more easy for me to deal with my life
"
I've got to be honest, I thought everyone did this to keep themselves sane and I'm not just talking about swinging but as a way to concentrate on what need to be done at anyone time without letting other problems or tasks interfere with what you are doing or needing to do .
I was genuinely surprised to find out a good few years ago that this was not the case . |
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I stay single for a reason … no jealousy …. No drama … even though I would like to have someone, I don’t want drama and jealousy to get in the way …. I know vicious circle …
Unless you meet someone who thinks like you, maybe then it could work …
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I don’t share my stuff.
Maybe you're on the wrong site then
Nah. I don’t either and I’m quite happy with the site
Are you saying you’ve got stuff you’re not sharing ?
You could have my last rolo though
Don’t you want me to pop it in your mouth instead?
Before or after you’ve eaten the rolo?
I’ll grab your coat for you…..
I don’t need mine, I’m feeling a little hot around the collar..
Coat! I’m northern. It’s May! "
my geography is so bad.
And there I was ready to go south of the border … ….
Nora. Stop it!!!! |
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"I don’t share my stuff.
Maybe you're on the wrong site then
Nah. I don’t either and I’m quite happy with the site
Are you saying you’ve got stuff you’re not sharing ?
You could have my last rolo though
Don’t you want me to pop it in your mouth instead?
Before or after you’ve eaten the rolo?
I’ll grab your coat for you…..
I don’t need mine, I’m feeling a little hot around the collar..
Coat! I’m northern. It’s May!
my geography is so bad.
And there I was ready to go south of the border … ….
Nora. Stop it!!!!"
 . Your geography is fine. I’m a northerner daaaaan saaaaarf |
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Jealousy isn't an issue we have. To us, it's a physical act that we do with others. It's something we both enjoy and is just an extra, it's not really part of our 'real life', it's almost fantasy life so doesn't impact our 'real life' in any negative way.
If we thought that one of us was feeling the emotions for someone else that we feel between ourselves then that would be an issue but we know that won't ever happen. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Jealousy isn't an issue we have. To us, it's a physical act that we do with others. It's something we both enjoy and is just an extra, it's not really part of our 'real life', it's almost fantasy life so doesn't impact our 'real life' in any negative way.
If we thought that one of us was feeling the emotions for someone else that we feel between ourselves then that would be an issue but we know that won't ever happen. "
Sound like you compartmentalise swinging away from your normal life and leave it there after play untill it's time to play again . I do a simular thing as I find it's the only way you can stay sane and balanced in your normal life away from the fun . |
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We separate it. So us, as our normal selves have a very strong and honest marriage and we keep that side of us separate. It’s our alter ego’s _urvytreat and guy pierced who swing.
As we about to get married we stepped away as I was getting very jealous. We dipped our toes in afterwards and it took me a while to be ok.
If it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it |
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"Jealousy isn't an issue we have. To us, it's a physical act that we do with others. It's something we both enjoy and is just an extra, it's not really part of our 'real life', it's almost fantasy life so doesn't impact our 'real life' in any negative way.
If we thought that one of us was feeling the emotions for someone else that we feel between ourselves then that would be an issue but we know that won't ever happen.
Sound like you compartmentalise swinging away from your normal life and leave it there after play untill it's time to play again . I do a simular thing as I find it's the only way you can stay sane and balanced in your normal life away from the fun ."
Yes that's a good way of putting it actually. |
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"I don't get jealousy. I once was part of group sex in a club when the wife got very jealous and stormed out of the room in tears. It was embarrassing. They should of stopped swinging there and then but I saw them in the club again a few weeks later. The woman ignored me and the husband gave me a lovely smile when the wife wasn't looking. It's really sad actually and it wasn't fair on me at all.
People like that shouldn't be swinging, end of."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I've never been the jealous type since my very 1st relationship. To me jealousy partly stems from insecurities within!
- find your self worth
- know u cannot claim anyone for yourself. Its their choice if they want you & you only
- learn to let go. (Things don't workout, oh well & move on)
Those are just a few examples of how I deal with jealousy when it pokes its ugly head lol "
Well, going by the above, you have said you don't get jealous but then said what you do to deal with your feelings of jealousy....
I'm confused |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I don't get jealous, there are more attractive women out there, that's a fact of life. I find other men attractive, my partner finds other women attractive, we both know this doesn't affect our love and respect for each other. If I had to worry about a partner running off with someone, then he's someone I'd be better off without, no? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Personally I love the Chase of the fun play u just got to remember this is a play site not a date site As I have been told some women and men do meet and end up as couples good on them but I do have friends with benefits. |
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"How do people control their jealousy when swinging?
"
If boundaries and limits are drawn and respected then this shouldn’t be an issue. Once one start to step outside these then it’s natural to get jealous feelings. |
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"How do people control their jealousy when swinging?
"
Me and my partner are very secure in our relationship and we trust each other completely. We're also very open with each other and can talk to each about anything.
There's nothing in the swinging world that can unsettle that so there's nothing to be jealous about. I'm happy for her to go and enjoy herself and she feels the same about me. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Discuss what may be a trigger or specific things that have made you feel insecure and avoid those situations.
Dora can’t stand the thought of me even thinking of another woman.
I’ve seen her spit roasted without a hint of jealousy yet I got all touchy once when she affectionately stroked a guys leg.
You can never tell. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I am pretty feral in my ownership kink. But I'll keep that locked down tight unless and until my guy agreed to the exclusivity of both of us.
I can police myself just fine and compromise where it's warranted.
But I'll just walk if my needs are not being met or respected equally. |
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"Discuss what may be a trigger or specific things that have made you feel insecure and avoid those situations.
Dora can’t stand the thought of me even thinking of another woman.
I’ve seen her spit roasted without a hint of jealousy yet I got all touchy once when she affectionately stroked a guys leg.
You can never tell. "
Same.. For me it's nothing sexual at all. It's the more intimate stuff. Happened to me once but once I'd processed it... It made everything so much more intense... Quickened the pulse. |
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"How do people control their jealousy when swinging?
I compartmentalise, every thought and feeling has it's own little box in my brain
So swinging has a box.
Real life has a box etc.
Making things more easy for me to deal with my life
"
I use this method also.. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Jealousy happens, it's normal but when that jealousy becomes toxic it's time to call it a day. Swinging only works when you are secure in yourself and your relationship. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Remove yourself from the situation and cut your losses if you can't control how you're feeling.
I think a little bit of jealousy is normal sometimes, but if you're only going to end up hurt you need to call it a day. |
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Can't say I've ever felt jealous. Probably because I don't feel I "own" anyone. I've seen and been with Mrs DS and with others, and was happy to see her explore her sexuality without fear or repercussions. |
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"How do people control their jealousy when swinging?
I'm going to say something some could view as controversial here OP .
they don't get jealous because there getting there own needs meet through the acts they are up to . i think people only get jealous when there not getting what they want when others are . controversial maybe but i really do believe its that simple. "
we met a couple at a party and after a short time it became obvious that they were only interested in sandy, I got jealous and felt left out and forced us to change what we looked for .all is good now after a good chat Dan |
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"How do people control their jealousy when swinging?
with difficulty "
Yep, although it partly depends of the personalities and mindsets of the individuals in that relationship.
The best way is communication and complete openness to each other on how you feel and what you want (as an individual as well as a couple). It's hard sometimes but that exposure, openness and mutual understanding brings you closer as a couple. I think it's a vehicle that brings many swinging couples far closer together than many vanilla couples. Because it really doesn't work unless you can truly be open and understand each others inner workings. So swinging can be hard in a relationship but as long as its benefits and enjoyment outweigh the work and difficulties then you keep doing it. |
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