FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Dad jokes please
Dad jokes please
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I’ve waited long enough.
Hit me with your best (worst) jokes.
Eye rollers - on your way  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Thinking of having my ashes stored in a
glass urn.
Remains to be seen. |
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How many fish do you get in a pair of tights.
5.
2 Souls
2 Eels
And a big wet plaice.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I made a graph showing all my past relationships
It had an ex-axis and a why axis |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Yesterday one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space
It was a really hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Yesterday one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space
It was a really hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath"
This made me laugh out loud |
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"Yesterday one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space
It was a really hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath"
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Man goes in a pub.
Funny place to have mangos!  |
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I said to the gym instructor: “Can you teach me to do the splits?”
He said: “How flexible are you?”
I said “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
Tommy Cooper |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What wobbles when it flies?
A jellycopter! |
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What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Doctor: Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards
Me: And? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you call a dinosaur with a strap on dildo?
A Penisaurus Strapadicktome  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I know where you get your jokes from now |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I got hooked on auctions by going once... going twice... |
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By *azza72Man
over a year ago
Leeds |
I went to buy a tropical fish from the pet shop and they asked if I’d like an aquarium, I said I’m not bothered what star sign the fish is |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My ex said to me that she was considering leaving me because I'm obsessed with pointing at doors
I said 'well if that's how you feel...' |
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Honestly, I'm so sick of hearing young people today moaning about how 'hard' they have things.
When I were a lad me dad used to buy my clothes from the Army and Navy store.
And I tell you, it was no fun going to school dressed as a Japanese Admiral. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What's the difference between feet and cameras?
Feet have five toes, cameras have photos. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I put on a new suit this morning and I found that cured my dizzy spells.
All dressed up with no vertigo. |
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Patient...Doctor Doctor. I feel like a pair of curtains.
Doctor.... pull yourself together. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My good friend Gavin has died after overdosing on stomach acid medicine.
I can't believe Gav is gone. |
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Man walks into the doctors and says Doctor I think I'm a moth.
Doctor says you should see a psychiatrist.
Man says that's where I was going but I saw your light on. |
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Me:my wife went on her holidays to the Caribbean yesterday
Friend:Jamaica?
Me:No, she decided all by herself |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I know where you get your jokes from now "
Good source isn’t it |
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What do you call the space between the front and back doors of Nando’s?
The peri-perineum |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Yesterday one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space
It was a really hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath"
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My mate won the farmer of the year award.
Apparently he was outstanding in his field. |
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By *azza72Man
over a year ago
Leeds |
I was walking the dog through the cemetery when I heard a fella say “morning” I replied “no, just walking the dog” |
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The man who invented Velcro has died today... RIP |
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Why did the cowboy buy a weiner dog?
Because he wanted to get a long little dogie |
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A nun got kicked out of the convent for wearing mini skirts.
Mother superior said she got into bad habits. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Did you hear about the scarecrow who won an award?
He was outstanding in his field |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I once wrote a paper on the history of cheese.
My History teacher sald it was grate. |
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"I once wrote a paper on the history of cheese.
My History teacher sald it was grate."
I don't brieleive it. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I once wrote a paper on the history of cheese.
My History teacher sald it was grate.
I don't brieleive it. "
So mature  |
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Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay they’d be called bagels...... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My parents don't understand me.
Probably because they're Japanese. |
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What do you call a lesbian dinosaur???
A lickalottapuss |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Sitting in the pub last night and this utterly gorgeous Thai lady came in, dressed in an ultra mini red dress with a very low cut top. I thought to myself 'whatever you do, don't take an erection'.
But she did. |
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I often feel depressed when I don’t play video games, but I always find a way to console myself.
Dogs can’t operate MRI machines. But catscan.
Stop looking for the perfect match. Use a lighter.
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By *rMs.NeekCouple
over a year ago
Worcestershire |
How do you organise a space party?
You planet ... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I ordered a book on how to scam people online.
I've waited 4 weeks and it still hasn't arrived! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I ordered a book on how to scam people online.
I've waited 4 weeks and it still hasn't arrived! "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Why aren't koalas actual bears?
Because they don't meet the koalafications. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards…
Creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Why aren't koalas actual bears?
Because they don't meet the koalafications."
Took your time, I’ve been waiting for you |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Why aren't koalas actual bears?
Because they don't meet the koalafications.
Took your time, I’ve been waiting for you "
I had a few screenshots of good jokes but I must have deleted them 
I’ve been scrambling to find some |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I taught my son how to make a salad today, its nothing too big but it needed addressing. |
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I was in a taxi the other day and the taxi driver said "Hello mate! You know what, I love this work. I'm my own boss, I choose my own hours and nobody tells me what to do."
"Errr, turn left here..." I replied. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?
You follow the fresh prints.
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Went to a cafe today and asked for a builders tea and a millionaires shortbread......
They both told me to Fuck Off.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I found out the other day Vin Diesel only eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My wife asked me if I’d seen the dog bowl.
I said “No, I didn’t know he could” |
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Jimmy Greaves was famous for playing football in the `60s.
His sister, Freda, was a famous pop star in the `70s |
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By *pl83mfCouple
over a year ago
Montreal |
What’s the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu?
One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The news has reported the Queen us confined to bed with COVID-19 while her second eldest son is on bed with CHLOE-14.
Allegedly. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"My wife asked me if I’d seen the dog bowl.
I said “No, I didn’t know he could”"
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today and as soon as I got home, it made a bolt for the door. |
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By *istalloverCouple
over a year ago
Pays de la Loire -Normandie -Brittany borderFrance |
My Doctor asked me for a stool sample
So I had to go to nightschool this week and enrol on a basic woodworking coarse.
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I've just started a new job as the cuckoo in a cuckoo clock.
I'm not enjoying it to be honest, it's long hours for little reward.
That said, at least it gets me out of the house... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"My wife asked me if I’d seen the dog bowl.
I said “No, I didn’t know he could”
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today and as soon as I got home, it made a bolt for the door."
Why is there no round of applause emoji? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My wife and kids are leaving me because they say I’m obsessed with Horse Racing.
I'm looking out the window at them now........... and they're off. |
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When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.
How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus? Ten tickles
I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My favourite film without a doubt is Mrs Fire |
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"Honestly, I'm so sick of hearing young people today moaning about how 'hard' they have things.
When I were a lad me dad used to buy my clothes from the Army and Navy store.
And I tell you, it was no fun going to school dressed as a Japanese Admiral."
OMG, that is so funny. I am going to ell that at work on Monday  xx |
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By *MCMan
over a year ago
London/EA |
My girlfriend said she wanted to brighten up our garden..
So I started planting bulbs |
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By *MCMan
over a year ago
London/EA |
Thinking about having my ashes stored in a glass urn..
Remains to be seen
 |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"My wife and kids are leaving me because they say I’m obsessed with Horse Racing.
I'm looking out the window at them now........... and they're off."
There really should be an applause emoji! |
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Got invited to Sunday dinner at my bosses house last week. His wife asked me " how many roast potatoes do you want?" I replied " 2 will be fine thanks" she said " there's no need to be so polite" I said " ok then you silly cow I will have 6! " |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I was attacked last night in the street by a bloke with a power tool.
There I was just minding my own business then BOSCH! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Dwayne Johnson paid me to clean up and organize his craft room, but sadly, I lost his scrapbook cutting tool.
I lost Rock’s paper scissors. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Why did the tofu cross the road?
To prove it wasn't chicken! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you call a bedpan in Russia?
A Poo-tin.
Satire |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Putin visits Estonia.
Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin".
"Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia".
"Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting". |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What did 50 cent do when he was hungry ?
58 |
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By *ooBulMan
over a year ago
Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’ |
What's dumber than a box of rocks?
...the hippie trying to sell them! |
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By *ooBulMan
over a year ago
Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’ |
I learned today that 3 of the guys who performed on "Rosanna" and "Africa" also played on "Dust in the Wind".
A music journalist asked them why they joined the new band and they said:-
"Toto? We aren't in Kansas anymore". |
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Went for a curry tonight, I had a tarka masala, it was like a tikka masala only otter. |
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"My wife asked me if I’d seen the dog bowl.
I said “No, I didn’t know he could”
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today and as soon as I got home, it made a bolt for the door."
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By *ooBulMan
over a year ago
Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’ |
What is a French Mushroom’s favourite rock song?
"We Are The Champignons" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My Penis was once in the Guinness book of world records…………..
The Librarian angrily made me take it out |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"My Penis was once in the Guinness book of world records…………..
The Librarian angrily made me take it out "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A sheep, drum and snake fall off a cliff. What sound do they make?
Baaa-dum-tsss. |
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"A sheep, drum and snake fall off a cliff. What sound do they make?
Baaa-dum-tsss."
What do get if you throw a grand piano down a coal mine?
A flat minor |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What’s green, fuzzy, has 4 legs and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
A pool table. |
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By *rAitchMan
over a year ago
Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe |
There are four kinds of women's orgasms.
1. The Positive Orgasm - Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes
2. The Negative Orgasm - Oh no, oh no, oh no
3. The Religious Orgasm - Oh God, oh God, oh God
4. The Lying Orgasm - Oh, MrAitch, oh MrAitch, oh MrAitch |
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Police have confirmed the man who fell to his death from the top of a nightclub wasn't a bouncer. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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How do you get pickachu on a bus?
Pokémon |
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What’s red and smells like paint??
Red paint. |
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What do you call a donkey with three legs?
A wonky! |
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What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Not a dad joke.
Just wanted to say that your feet are beautiful  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I gave my date a bottle of tonic water….
Schwepped her off her feet |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Not a dad joke.
Just wanted to say that your feet are beautiful "
Thank you |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I gave my date a bottle of tonic water….
Schwepped her off her feet "
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Just had an officer at the door saying he was looking for a man with one eye….
Told him to use both and he'd probably find him a lot quicker. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Just had an officer at the door saying he was looking for a man with one eye….
Told him to use both and he'd probably find him a lot quicker."
Love that! X |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Just had an officer at the door saying he was looking for a man with one eye….
Told him to use both and he'd probably find him a lot quicker.
Love that! X"
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I was out shopping with the missus and she got a ladder in her tights.....
She's a brilliant shoplifter |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you call a one legged Chinese tennis player ?
Onesandshoe
Japanese car thief ?
Tommytookamota |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Nice legs, what time do they open.
Fancy going to a party, (who is going) me and you |
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Did you know you can’t run in a camping area?
You can only ran. It’s past tents
*Beard* |
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I once had a hen that could count her own eggs ….. it was a mathemachicken |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I’ve waited long enough.
Hit me with your best (worst) jokes.
Eye rollers - on your way "
Today a man knocked on my door asking for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I’ve waited long enough.
Hit me with your best (worst) jokes.
Eye rollers - on your way
Today a man knocked on my door asking for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water "
I've just stolen loads of swimming pool inflatables.
I'd better lilo. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I was out shopping with the missus and she got a ladder in her tights.....
She's a brilliant shoplifter "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My dads mate got run over by a train
He was chuffed to bits
(This is genuinely one of my dads jokes)
(Miss) |
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The wife and I laugh about how competitive we both are………… but I laugh MORE!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What I love about these jokes, is that they’re actually really clever  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"What I love about these jokes, is that they’re actually really clever "
They are just funny aren’t they.
Sometimes simple is good |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What I love about these jokes, is that they’re actually really clever
They are just funny aren’t they.
Sometimes simple is good "
Dad jokes are officially my new faves
You’ve turned me, Hippy  |
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By *uke OzadeMan
over a year ago
Ho Chi Minge City |
I recently got fired from my job at the bank. It’s a shame really as I was taking home £50 000 a week. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"What I love about these jokes, is that they’re actually really clever
They are just funny aren’t they.
Sometimes simple is good
Dad jokes are officially my new faves
You’ve turned me, Hippy "
YAAAY  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I recently got fired from my job at the bank. It’s a shame really as I was taking home £50 000 a week. "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I met a magical genie once. He gave me one wish. I said "I wish I could be you".
The genue saud, "weurd wush but U wull grant ut." |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
The ultimate dad joke.."Don't listen to your mother:I'm in charge!" |
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I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer once.
I don’t know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I went to the local video shop and asked if I could borrow Batman Forever.
They said no, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow. |
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God gave us a brain and a penis but only enough blood to run one of them at a time. |
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Sexy women are like spiders:they lead to the flys undoing. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Told my wife I wanted to be cremated
She made an appointment for Tuesday |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Yesterday a good friend told me that I often make people feel uncomfortable, by violating their personal space.
It was such a hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Yesterday a good friend told me that I often make people feel uncomfortable, by violating their personal space.
It was such a hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath."
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath...
But I can’t even finish drinking the hot bath. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I challenged Death to a pillow fight, I was not prepared for the Reaper cushions. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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My wife yelled at me "are you even listening to me"
I said "that's a funny way to start a conversation". |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Layed in bed with my ex.
She whispers in my ear, "make me scream using only one finger"
So I poked her in the eye |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Layed in bed with my ex.
She whispers in my ear, "make me scream using only one finger"
So I poked her in the eye"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you call a Russian bed pan.
A poo tin |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What happens if someone slaps you at high frequency?
It hertz |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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How do you tell the sex of an ant? You drop it in water. It sinks: girl ant. It floats:...
Boy ant. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Why do dogs float on water?
Because they are good buoys! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Why was 4 afraid to ask out 5?
Because he was 2² |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Why do dogs float on water?
Because they are good buoys!"
I've not heard that one hahaha.
I'm a dad so I love a good dad joke.
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk. |
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All pessimists have the same blood type, b- |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"All pessimists have the same blood type, b-"
I used to be a pessimist. I changed though as I could never see the point of it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Why did the noble gas cry?
Because all their friends Argon. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Having not read this thread previously you may have seen this many times, in which case I'm sorry!
At a couples counselling session the speaker mentioned that 85% of couples are so disconnected, the husbands don't even know their wife's favourite flower... Mick turned to his wife and whispered "it's self raising, isn't it love? " |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Having not read this thread previously you may have seen this many times, in which case I'm sorry!
At a couples counselling session the speaker mentioned that 85% of couples are so disconnected, the husbands don't even know their wife's favourite flower... Mick turned to his wife and whispered "it's self raising, isn't it love? " "
Yay! Never heard it |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Guy sees his mate dave across the road carrying his dog under his arm so he shouts over " dave where are you going "? To which dave replied "I'm going to put the dug down"( mate )" aww man that's a shame is he ill"? (Dave)" no he's just fucking heavy " |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I had a dog named "5 miles" so I could tell people I walked "5 miles".
But today I ran over "5 miles" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Can February march no but April may |
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Got ketchup in my eyes..
I've now got Heinzsight |
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If at first you don't succeed...
...don't try skydiving. |
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My mrs left me because of my sexual fetishes
I said fine ,slam the door on my cock on your way out |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Little boy runs into bathroom and sees mummy's fluff, poits at it and says "what's that mummy?" To which she replies its my flannel. Anyway a couple of days pass and little boy repeats the act but this time says "mummy, Where's your flannel?" To which she replies "I lost it son" .... he then bounces up and down with happiness, "I've found it then, the next door neighbour is using it to wash daddy's face"
Your welcome |
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The guy that wrote the " Oky Coky " died last week.
They had terrible trouble getting him into the coffin.
First, they put his left leg in, then they pulled his left ... ... |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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[Removed by poster at 01/03/22 07:55:58] |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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To the guy who invented 0.
Thanks for nothing. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Not to brag but I made six figures last year.
I was also named worst employee at the toy factory. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you call a judge with no fingers.....
.. Justice thumbs... |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Not to brag but I made six figures last year.
I was also named worst employee at the toy factory."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"To the guy who invented 0.
Thanks for nothing."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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**True story alert.
I often tell residents I work with some god awful dad jokes. Last night, I told a gentleman the joke about a man with no shins (Toe-knee).
He done a slight laugh, probably to not make me feel too bad, but he then asked if I had any kids, as it sounds as though an 8 year old had told me that! So we had a proper laugh then |
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The man who invented the Hokey Kokey died, they put him in the coffin and that's when the trouble started! |
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I cant believe it my wife wants a divorce,apparently i over exagerate ,i was so shocked i nearly fell over my penis |
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If anyone asks you to spell part backwards, don’t do it! It’s a trap |
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Man to woman ‘have I told you the joke about my dick? Actually maybe I shouldn’t it very long’
Woman replies ‘have I told you the joke about my fanny? Actually maybe I shouldn’t, because you’ll never get it’ |
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I was chatting to a woman at a bar, and asked if she had kids. She replied ‘I have 1 that’s just over 2’. I told her ‘yes I know how numbers work’ |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I was chatting to a woman at a bar, and asked if she had kids. She replied ‘I have 1 that’s just over 2’. I told her ‘yes I know how numbers work’"
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Man walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre.
So the barmaid give him one. |
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I hated my first day at the nestle factory today. My forklift knocked a whole rack of chocolate on me.
I kept on shouting ‘The milky bars are on me!’ And everyone just kept on cheering. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink.
“It’s a pleasure to serve you, Mr. Hasselhoff”, said the bartender.
“Just call me Hoff”, he replied.
“Sure”, said the bartender, “no hassle”. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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A Mexican magician said he would disappear on the count of 3.
He says "Uno, Dos...." Poof.
He disappeared without a tres. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A Mexican magician said he would disappear on the count of 3.
He says "Uno, Dos...." Poof.
He disappeared without a tres."
Why is hot Mexican food like a credit card?
You pay for it the next day. |
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What does the Mexican say when you try to take his dairy products? That’s nacho cheese |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeño business |
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Teacher asked the class "who can give me a sentence with the word fascinate in?"
Little Johnny put his hand up " I can Miss. My coat has 10 buttons but I can only fasten eight!" |
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Two monkeys in the bath....The first monkey said "Oo...ooo oo!" The second said, "Well put some cold in then". |
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Two fish in a tank. One says to the other ‘how do we drive this thing?’ |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Teacher:"Please can you put dandelion in a sentence?"
African kid:"de cheetah ran faster dandelion" |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
Cork man drowned: named as Bob Bing |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Yesterday one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space
It was a really hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath"
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What's the difference between a fridge and a woman.....
The fridge doesn't fart when you take the meat out!
Sorry I'll see myself out!!!! |
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"Cork man drowned: named as Bob Bing"
 |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Little boy in the bath. His mother walks in and says "Johnny, don't do that"
He replies "It's mine, I'll wash it as fast as I like"
G |
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By *asher11Man
over a year ago
Market Harborough |
"Man walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre.
So the barmaid give him one. "
man walks into a bar goes ouch it was an iron bar |
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