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How soon is too soon to move on?
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Difficult to write this, but want impartial opinions.
My step son was tragically killed last August.
He was living with his girlfriend (of 7years) and they were about to buy a house together.
She was understandably devastated as we all were and still are, the greif doesn’t get easier for us.
She was left to live in my step sons house and she was given all the support she needed from the family, she would regularly visit and we saw a lot of her. Around Xmas she started acting vague, and it now transpires she has moved on already and is seeing someone.
She moved out of my step sons house and left it dirty and smelly (it was always clean and tidy).
I know she has the right to move on, but after less than 4months, it just seems disrespectful.
She lived in the house rent free for 5years, never paid bills, my step son supported her and helped her pay off debts. Now he’s gone it feels like she’s just forgotten him and found someone else who’ll support her.
It’s just another upset in an already terrible time for us. |
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So sorry to hear about your stepson. It must be devestating for you. Maybe his partner was unable to cope on her own and that is why the house became dirty and smelly. Some people just can't bear to live on their own. |
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Sorry to hear this OP. And I don't know how you are feeling as not been in thus situation.
We all deal with grief in different ways and maybe it is her way. Maybe she needs to block out her heartache by finding someone else and channelling her energy on them, like a rebound.
I'm not saying it's right or wrong.
And there isn't a time limit.
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By *S2004Man
over a year ago
Bromsgrove |
Sorry for your loss.
Everybody moves on at different speeds, some may appear to move on on a surface level but underneath are still suffering just as much.
I won’t play amateur expert but there are many factors in play, how long had she had to prepare for his death, was she also tidy previously (has she changed since he passed, is she desperate not to be alone and have thinking time)
All people can do is grieve in their own way and OP I sincerely hope you find peace and some stage as I can think of very little worse to go through.xxx |
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"Another possible reason for her wanting to move on is if she is wanting to have children and maybe she thinks time is running out. "
That’s definitely a reason, she was always talking about having children. |
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Very sad for your grief and hurt! A similar situation happened with my eldest brother after my sister inlaw passed he remarried within a year! My nephew was very hurt by this! He felt it was to soon and betrayed his mum! Hopefully they will get their relationship back to how it was though x |
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As crass as this may sound “life is for the living” we have to move on from loss, there is no defined mourning period, we cannot waste our lives wishing things were different, we can only make them different.
I am sorry for your loss, but your step-son’s partner has decided to move on, at least physically, not tidying the house? Maybe every time she moved something or tried to start, something would remind her, it was painful. Not wanting to be in the house? Again, memories, pain, stagnation.
Why was she distant with you? Because she felt shame perhaps (though she shouldn’t), she had lived rent free, she had decided to live in the now, not the yesterday and she feared your judgement?
Again I am sorry for your loss, that may sound hollow after what I have written, but we each manage grief in our own way. |
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By *oodmessMan
over a year ago
yumsville |
Don't be mad at her. The longer she stayed on the sidelines, the longer she'd be marred with scars of grief. It'll no doubt be with her but she's likely doing her best to distance herself even if it seems disrespectful. |
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Sorry for your loss op.
In my opinion, this could have got very messy with trying to get the house back from her.
Treat it as a lucky escape and move on too. Draw a line under it all and be thankful for small mercies. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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So sorry to hear about your loss and it will feel raw for years to come.
It is sad how his girlfriend is behaving and I am sure you are angry and sad… but… perhaps it is her coping mechanism? But in some ways - it is good she moves on and you can move on away from her and grieve for your stepson alone and draw a line under her. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"So sorry to hear about your stepson. It must be devestating for you. Maybe his partner was unable to cope on her own and that is why the house became dirty and smelly. Some people just can't bear to live on their own."
This. 
OP
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Sorry for your loss op.
In my opinion, this could have got very messy with trying to get the house back from her.
Treat it as a lucky escape and move on too. Draw a line under it all and be thankful for small mercies. "
This too.  |
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The only person that knows if it's the right time or not is the girl in question.
It could be, this guy might be helping her through the situation and be exactly what she needs now and the future. It might not be.
Ideally she would have left the house tidy. Talking to you about it can't have been easy either.
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People deal with grief in their own way. It's kind of bad form to judge her in this way.
She's dealt or dealing with it in her way. She's out of the house so you don't have to physically interact with her. So try to move on from giving her headspace.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My deepest condolences for your loss OP. The shock of losing a loved one is immeasurable, especially more so when it is one still so young.
This is merely my opinion on it, based somewhat on some experience of others who have been through similar circunstances.
His girlfriend is likely to have been unable to cope with the loss. Her inability to keep the house in good order, which she would have helped to do in the time there with your step-son is perhaps the most obvious sign that she was unable to function well without him. It would have been as if her life itself had been sucked out of her and it was no longer the happy home she had known. If you saw her often, it was because she was holding on to what was part of him.
Depression can make one unable to function fully, even to do the most mundane tasks.
I would say meeting someone new for her was unexpected and felt like she was able to breathe a little again. It isn't a reflection of how she felt for your step-son and his loss and it certainly isn't because she has forgotten him.
I suspect she had become vague for fear of the reaction you feel now and the guilt of it. I ]t may be that if she hasn't contacted you recently, it is for this reason and if you were to reach out to her, you may both find the solace you need in each other. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Well I’ll be honest, I’d be fucking raging if I was connected to her!
Your feelings are perfectly justified on this, and guess what, we don’t always have to be rational or see it from the point of view of the other person. You are grieving and are allowed to have these feelings of disappointment in his ex partner. The important thing (for you) though, is to move on from them in time, so that you don’t become weighed down in resentment.
I am so, so sorry for your loss x |
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"Well I’ll be honest, I’d be fucking raging if I was connected to her!
Your feelings are perfectly justified on this, and guess what, we don’t always have to be rational or see it from the point of view of the other person. You are grieving and are allowed to have these feelings of disappointment in his ex partner. The important thing (for you) though, is to move on from them in time, so that you don’t become weighed down in resentment.
I am so, so sorry for your loss x"
 |
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Nobody can put a time line to someone else's grief or say how they should grieve.
You've done what you can for her and now she's making a new life. Personally I don't think time frame is important. I do think her peace of mind is though (yours too).
Sincere condolences to all of you. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"My deepest condolences for your loss OP. The shock of losing a loved one is immeasurable, especially more so when it is one still so young.
This is merely my opinion on it, based somewhat on some experience of others who have been through similar circunstances.
His girlfriend is likely to have been unable to cope with the loss. Her inability to keep the house in good order, which she would have helped to do in the time there with your step-son is perhaps the most obvious sign that she was unable to function well without him. It would have been as if her life itself had been sucked out of her and it was no longer the happy home she had known. If you saw her often, it was because she was holding on to what was part of him.
Depression can make one unable to function fully, even to do the most mundane tasks.
I would say meeting someone new for her was unexpected and felt like she was able to breathe a little again. It isn't a reflection of how she felt for your step-son and his loss and it certainly isn't because she has forgotten him.
I suspect she had become vague for fear of the reaction you feel now and the guilt of it. I ]t may be that if she hasn't contacted you recently, it is for this reason and if you were to reach out to her, you may both find the solace you need in each other."
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A friend of ours died from breast cancer, her and her husband had time to prepare, they said everything they needed to each other and did as many things as they could. He remarried within a year and is very happy. It doesn't mean he didn't love his first wife or that he loves his second wife less. People talked and made nasty inferences when in my opinion they should have been happy that he was happy.
That isn't a dig at you op, you're very close to this situation. I hope you can resolve things within your family |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Difficult to write this, but want impartial opinions.
My step son was tragically killed last August.
He was living with his girlfriend (of 7years) and they were about to buy a house together.
She was understandably devastated as we all were and still are, the greif doesn’t get easier for us.
She was left to live in my step sons house and she was given all the support she needed from the family, she would regularly visit and we saw a lot of her. Around Xmas she started acting vague, and it now transpires she has moved on already and is seeing someone.
She moved out of my step sons house and left it dirty and smelly (it was always clean and tidy).
I know she has the right to move on, but after less than 4months, it just seems disrespectful.
She lived in the house rent free for 5years, never paid bills, my step son supported her and helped her pay off debts. Now he’s gone it feels like she’s just forgotten him and found someone else who’ll support her.
It’s just another upset in an already terrible time for us."
My deepest sympathies OP |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Well I’ll be honest, I’d be fucking raging if I was connected to her!
Your feelings are perfectly justified on this, and guess what, we don’t always have to be rational or see it from the point of view of the other person. You are grieving and are allowed to have these feelings of disappointment in his ex partner. The important thing (for you) though, is to move on from them in time, so that you don’t become weighed down in resentment.
I am so, so sorry for your loss x"
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How does one move on from resentment? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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There is no set time OP, everyone deals with greif differently, with some times a healer.. with others it comes in time.
I dont think its ever a place to judge on times what will be will be. She shouldnt have left the house in that way but maybe it was due to grief, as said people cope differently. She was obviously a big part of your stepsons life and if i was in your boots id let be what will let be. Good luck op |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Well I’ll be honest, I’d be fucking raging if I was connected to her!
Your feelings are perfectly justified on this, and guess what, we don’t always have to be rational or see it from the point of view of the other person. You are grieving and are allowed to have these feelings of disappointment in his ex partner. The important thing (for you) though, is to move on from them in time, so that you don’t become weighed down in resentment.
I am so, so sorry for your loss x
.
How does one move on from resentment?"
Or grief, or any negative emotion? It takes time. |
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"Well I’ll be honest, I’d be fucking raging if I was connected to her!
Your feelings are perfectly justified on this, and guess what, we don’t always have to be rational or see it from the point of view of the other person. You are grieving and are allowed to have these feelings of disappointment in his ex partner. The important thing (for you) though, is to move on from them in time, so that you don’t become weighed down in resentment.
I am so, so sorry for your loss x"
Why? How can you judge or appreciate what someone else is going through?
Everyone is different. Just because you think or feel in a way that someone else doesn't does not define who is right or wrong
You are fully entitled to your opinion just as this girl is allowed hers.
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Thank you all for the reply’s.
At the moment it almost feels like my stepson has been cheated on I guess. I know that isn’t the case but grief twists perception.
We all expected her to move on at some point, I think the upsetting bit was leaving his house in a state, she could have at least got a cleaner to do it if she didn’t feel capable, it’s upsetting to imagine my stepsons reaction ,he wouldn’t be happy because he was very tidy and house proud.
We know it’s time to draw a line, let her get on and concentrate on ourselves.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Well I’ll be honest, I’d be fucking raging if I was connected to her!
Your feelings are perfectly justified on this, and guess what, we don’t always have to be rational or see it from the point of view of the other person. You are grieving and are allowed to have these feelings of disappointment in his ex partner. The important thing (for you) though, is to move on from them in time, so that you don’t become weighed down in resentment.
I am so, so sorry for your loss x
.
How does one move on from resentment?
Or grief, or any negative emotion? It takes time."
Perhaps by understanding? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Lots of good thoughts in this already.
Mine are not to make an assumption that she has ‘moved on’ already. That is a process, and with a bereavement a lengthy one that takes many stages including the old 2 forward one back thing. Seeing someone else is likely part of trying to move on, and it’s a healthy thing to do. It may work first time, it may take several future relationships, this new one may be working (or not) on many levels, but it’s not a switch that’s been flipped to ‘moved on’.
The house but, who knows, maybe she struggled to separate possessions or care solely for what was once a shared space. Maybe cleaning it thoroughly on moving out felt akin to scrubbing them from the place such that they were never there, maybe she simply didn’t realise the difference un the place as she had other things to think about.
If she was vague with you, be sure that she probably knows that she wants to (and is ) in the process of moving on, and realises that it’s a inevitable to move on from you, but also that it’s hard to do any of it in front if you, so distance helps her do this. She probably feels guilty, whilst knowing she shouldn’t, it’s a hard place.
Lastly, ignore anything I says and everyone else, bereavement takes many strange forms and places. My ex lost her ex to suicude a couple of months after leaving him and whilst in a relationship with me. Things get weird, irrational, inconsistent, contradictory, and just when you think you are levelling out some new angle comes to play with your mind. She just needs acceptance and not to be told she grieved wrong. As a fellow griever, I’m sure you’ll recognise a lot of this.
Take care |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Well I’ll be honest, I’d be fucking raging if I was connected to her!
Your feelings are perfectly justified on this, and guess what, we don’t always have to be rational or see it from the point of view of the other person. You are grieving and are allowed to have these feelings of disappointment in his ex partner. The important thing (for you) though, is to move on from them in time, so that you don’t become weighed down in resentment.
I am so, so sorry for your loss x
Why? How can you judge or appreciate what someone else is going through?
Everyone is different. Just because you think or feel in a way that someone else doesn't does not define who is right or wrong
You are fully entitled to your opinion just as this girl is allowed hers.
"
Eh?? I know I’m entitled to my opinion, which is exactly why I expressed it.
Thanks. |
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
"Difficult to write this, but want impartial opinions.
My step son was tragically killed last August.
He was living with his girlfriend (of 7years) and they were about to buy a house together.
She was understandably devastated as we all were and still are, the greif doesn’t get easier for us.
She was left to live in my step sons house and she was given all the support she needed from the family, she would regularly visit and we saw a lot of her. Around Xmas she started acting vague, and it now transpires she has moved on already and is seeing someone.
She moved out of my step sons house and left it dirty and smelly (it was always clean and tidy).
I know she has the right to move on, but after less than 4months, it just seems disrespectful.
She lived in the house rent free for 5years, never paid bills, my step son supported her and helped her pay off debts. Now he’s gone it feels like she’s just forgotten him and found someone else who’ll support her.
It’s just another upset in an already terrible time for us."
I personally would let this go and keep the memories good and relationship with her good, out of respect for him if nothing else.
Sounds like when they were together you were fond of her and he clearly was so I think these feelings/emotions are not accurate.
Grief impacts people differently , a dirty house a need for a new companion ? Be nice |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Well I’ll be honest, I’d be fucking raging if I was connected to her!
Your feelings are perfectly justified on this, and guess what, we don’t always have to be rational or see it from the point of view of the other person. You are grieving and are allowed to have these feelings of disappointment in his ex partner. The important thing (for you) though, is to move on from them in time, so that you don’t become weighed down in resentment.
I am so, so sorry for your loss x
.
How does one move on from resentment?
Or grief, or any negative emotion? It takes time.
Perhaps by understanding?"
It’s not the OP’s job to necessarily understand. That’s his choice. Obviously I can’t speak for everyone, but many of us won’t have experienced what he has. We can therefore say ‘be understanding’ from our position of privilege. Who knows how we’d feel in his position. But my guess is that we might not be cool with having a deceased relative’s house left dirty. That might feel disrespectful to some. And that is ok.
Anyway, I’m out. |
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
"Well I’ll be honest, I’d be fucking raging if I was connected to her!
Your feelings are perfectly justified on this, and guess what, we don’t always have to be rational or see it from the point of view of the other person. You are grieving and are allowed to have these feelings of disappointment in his ex partner. The important thing (for you) though, is to move on from them in time, so that you don’t become weighed down in resentment.
I am so, so sorry for your loss x
.
How does one move on from resentment?
Or grief, or any negative emotion? It takes time.
Perhaps by understanding?
It’s not the OP’s job to necessarily understand. That’s his choice. Obviously I can’t speak for everyone, but many of us won’t have experienced what he has. We can therefore say ‘be understanding’ from our position of privilege. Who knows how we’d feel in his position. But my guess is that we might not be cool with having a deceased relative’s house left dirty. That might feel disrespectful to some. And that is ok.
Anyway, I’m out. "
It might be extremely difficult but we can still choose to do the right thing out of respect for those who are gone. |
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"Well I’ll be honest, I’d be fucking raging if I was connected to her!
Your feelings are perfectly justified on this, and guess what, we don’t always have to be rational or see it from the point of view of the other person. You are grieving and are allowed to have these feelings of disappointment in his ex partner. The important thing (for you) though, is to move on from them in time, so that you don’t become weighed down in resentment.
I am so, so sorry for your loss x
.
How does one move on from resentment?
Or grief, or any negative emotion? It takes time.
Perhaps by understanding?
It’s not the OP’s job to necessarily understand. That’s his choice. Obviously I can’t speak for everyone, but many of us won’t have experienced what he has. We can therefore say ‘be understanding’ from our position of privilege. Who knows how we’d feel in his position. But my guess is that we might not be cool with having a deceased relative’s house left dirty. That might feel disrespectful to some. And that is ok.
Anyway, I’m out. "
I agree with a lot of what you say. I think in a situation like this everyone involved needs to be allowed to feel how they do without it being wrong. When someone dies the impact is huge and has repercussions that nobody ever dreamed of. It's easy for outsiders to say this or that should happen but it's very different for those in the situation. But the op had asked for opinion  |
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"Well I’ll be honest, I’d be fucking raging if I was connected to her!
Your feelings are perfectly justified on this, and guess what, we don’t always have to be rational or see it from the point of view of the other person. You are grieving and are allowed to have these feelings of disappointment in his ex partner. The important thing (for you) though, is to move on from them in time, so that you don’t become weighed down in resentment.
I am so, so sorry for your loss x
.
How does one move on from resentment?
Or grief, or any negative emotion? It takes time.
Perhaps by understanding?
It’s not the OP’s job to necessarily understand. That’s his choice. Obviously I can’t speak for everyone, but many of us won’t have experienced what he has. We can therefore say ‘be understanding’ from our position of privilege. Who knows how we’d feel in his position. But my guess is that we might not be cool with having a deceased relative’s house left dirty. That might feel disrespectful to some. And that is ok.
Anyway, I’m out.
It might be extremely difficult but we can still choose to do the right thing out of respect for those who are gone. "
Grief often doesn't allow choice. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Well I’ll be honest, I’d be fucking raging if I was connected to her!
Your feelings are perfectly justified on this, and guess what, we don’t always have to be rational or see it from the point of view of the other person. You are grieving and are allowed to have these feelings of disappointment in his ex partner. The important thing (for you) though, is to move on from them in time, so that you don’t become weighed down in resentment.
I am so, so sorry for your loss x
.
How does one move on from resentment?
Or grief, or any negative emotion? It takes time.
Perhaps by understanding?
It’s not the OP’s job to necessarily understand. That’s his choice. Obviously I can’t speak for everyone, but many of us won’t have experienced what he has. We can therefore say ‘be understanding’ from our position of privilege. Who knows how we’d feel in his position. But my guess is that we might not be cool with having a deceased relative’s house left dirty. That might feel disrespectful to some. And that is ok.
Anyway, I’m out.
It might be extremely difficult but we can still choose to do the right thing out of respect for those who are gone. "
Absolutely. Or we can choose not to be the hero at a time of unrelenting grief. The OP will get there, I’m sure. But maybe at this time he needs some understanding of his feelings, and I am not at all sure that being handed ‘be nice’ tropes is particularly helpful.
Anyway, that’s my tuppenceworth! And I don’t want to hijack this thread any more - I simply wished to offer a different perspective.
OP, I understand. And I wish you the best during this process x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Well I’ll be honest, I’d be fucking raging if I was connected to her!
Your feelings are perfectly justified on this, and guess what, we don’t always have to be rational or see it from the point of view of the other person. You are grieving and are allowed to have these feelings of disappointment in his ex partner. The important thing (for you) though, is to move on from them in time, so that you don’t become weighed down in resentment.
I am so, so sorry for your loss x
.
How does one move on from resentment?
Or grief, or any negative emotion? It takes time.
Perhaps by understanding?
It’s not the OP’s job to necessarily understand. That’s his choice. Obviously I can’t speak for everyone, but many of us won’t have experienced what he has. We can therefore say ‘be understanding’ from our position of privilege. Who knows how we’d feel in his position. But my guess is that we might not be cool with having a deceased relative’s house left dirty. That might feel disrespectful to some. And that is ok.
Anyway, I’m out.
I agree with a lot of what you say. I think in a situation like this everyone involved needs to be allowed to feel how they do without it being wrong. When someone dies the impact is huge and has repercussions that nobody ever dreamed of. It's easy for outsiders to say this or that should happen but it's very different for those in the situation. But the op had asked for opinion "
Exactly - thanks x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Well I’ll be honest, I’d be fucking raging if I was connected to her!
Your feelings are perfectly justified on this, and guess what, we don’t always have to be rational or see it from the point of view of the other person. You are grieving and are allowed to have these feelings of disappointment in his ex partner. The important thing (for you) though, is to move on from them in time, so that you don’t become weighed down in resentment.
I am so, so sorry for your loss x
.
How does one move on from resentment?
Or grief, or any negative emotion? It takes time.
Perhaps by understanding?
It’s not the OP’s job to necessarily understand. That’s his choice. Obviously I can’t speak for everyone, but many of us won’t have experienced what he has. We can therefore say ‘be understanding’ from our position of privilege. Who knows how we’d feel in his position. But my guess is that we might not be cool with having a deceased relative’s house left dirty. That might feel disrespectful to some. And that is ok.
Anyway, I’m out.
I agree with a lot of what you say. I think in a situation like this everyone involved needs to be allowed to feel how they do without it being wrong. When someone dies the impact is huge and has repercussions that nobody ever dreamed of. It's easy for outsiders to say this or that should happen but it's very different for those in the situation. But the op had asked for opinion
Exactly - thanks x"
Understanding doesn't necessarily mean one must forgive. It is, possibly, a way to understand why they have acted in that way. How you then react to that is your choice, not because you feel the uncontrollable urge of it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Well I’ll be honest, I’d be fucking raging if I was connected to her!
Your feelings are perfectly justified on this, and guess what, we don’t always have to be rational or see it from the point of view of the other person. You are grieving and are allowed to have these feelings of disappointment in his ex partner. The important thing (for you) though, is to move on from them in time, so that you don’t become weighed down in resentment.
I am so, so sorry for your loss x
.
How does one move on from resentment?
Or grief, or any negative emotion? It takes time.
Perhaps by understanding?
It’s not the OP’s job to necessarily understand. That’s his choice. Obviously I can’t speak for everyone, but many of us won’t have experienced what he has. We can therefore say ‘be understanding’ from our position of privilege. Who knows how we’d feel in his position. But my guess is that we might not be cool with having a deceased relative’s house left dirty. That might feel disrespectful to some. And that is ok.
Anyway, I’m out.
It might be extremely difficult but we can still choose to do the right thing out of respect for those who are gone.
Grief often doesn't allow choice."
Agree.
Plus, the right thing for who?
Op, I’m so sorry for your loss, I cannot imagine what you’re going through, it must be horrendous, but I imagine she is dealing with it the best way she knows |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Well I’ll be honest, I’d be fucking raging if I was connected to her!
Your feelings are perfectly justified on this, and guess what, we don’t always have to be rational or see it from the point of view of the other person. You are grieving and are allowed to have these feelings of disappointment in his ex partner. The important thing (for you) though, is to move on from them in time, so that you don’t become weighed down in resentment.
I am so, so sorry for your loss x
.
How does one move on from resentment?
Or grief, or any negative emotion? It takes time.
Perhaps by understanding?
It’s not the OP’s job to necessarily understand. That’s his choice. Obviously I can’t speak for everyone, but many of us won’t have experienced what he has. We can therefore say ‘be understanding’ from our position of privilege. Who knows how we’d feel in his position. But my guess is that we might not be cool with having a deceased relative’s house left dirty. That might feel disrespectful to some. And that is ok.
Anyway, I’m out.
I agree with a lot of what you say. I think in a situation like this everyone involved needs to be allowed to feel how they do without it being wrong. When someone dies the impact is huge and has repercussions that nobody ever dreamed of. It's easy for outsiders to say this or that should happen but it's very different for those in the situation. But the op had asked for opinion
Exactly - thanks x
Understanding doesn't necessarily mean one must forgive. It is, possibly, a way to understand why they have acted in that way. How you then react to that is your choice, not because you feel the uncontrollable urge of it."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Well I’ll be honest, I’d be fucking raging if I was connected to her!
Your feelings are perfectly justified on this, and guess what, we don’t always have to be rational or see it from the point of view of the other person. You are grieving and are allowed to have these feelings of disappointment in his ex partner. The important thing (for you) though, is to move on from them in time, so that you don’t become weighed down in resentment.
I am so, so sorry for your loss x
.
How does one move on from resentment?
Or grief, or any negative emotion? It takes time.
Perhaps by understanding?
It’s not the OP’s job to necessarily understand. That’s his choice. Obviously I can’t speak for everyone, but many of us won’t have experienced what he has. We can therefore say ‘be understanding’ from our position of privilege. Who knows how we’d feel in his position. But my guess is that we might not be cool with having a deceased relative’s house left dirty. That might feel disrespectful to some. And that is ok.
Anyway, I’m out.
I agree with a lot of what you say. I think in a situation like this everyone involved needs to be allowed to feel how they do without it being wrong. When someone dies the impact is huge and has repercussions that nobody ever dreamed of. It's easy for outsiders to say this or that should happen but it's very different for those in the situation. But the op had asked for opinion
Exactly - thanks x
Understanding doesn't necessarily mean one must forgive. It is, possibly, a way to understand why they have acted in that way. How you then react to that is your choice, not because you feel the uncontrollable urge of it."
My question having been "how does one move on from resentment?" |
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Op as step-parent, you and your partners grief will be subtly different, at a time when you most feel united in your pain. You will naturally want to protect your partner from further hurt, and a slight towards your step-son's memory (house) is an attack on you/partner. Her moving out/on is also a reminder of your loss - another living connection removed.
No right or wrong approach. However, as you acknowledge, people move on - different speeds ways and reasons. You both need to do so at your pace and focus on each other will help enormously. Only "advice" is to try and avoid acting out/rewriting narratives around decisions your son made towards HIS partner when alive (caring for her etc) which may have annoyed you. They were his choices. Understanding and accepting them helps reinforce a positive memory of him. It suggests a selfless person. Which might also explain why the daughter more desperately needs someone (anyone?) to try fill the void he left.
Go easy on all of you. |
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