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Can get advice on situation please?
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By *929 OP Man
over a year ago
newcastle |
Hi and thanks in advance for anyone who takes time to read
Bit of a loss on how to proceed sorry if this goes on but parter of 15 years she moved out in November, since then on 3 times now she’s came around wanting us to spend time together again then went back on it the first we were just spending evenings together which she said she greatly enjoyed before deciding she didn’t want any form of contact and said we were done
Second time she appeared a week before Christmas she was in my house when I came home from work she said she needed to nip out but suggested we get a takeaway and watch a film later which we did it lead to us spending Christmas together and she slept over a total of 8 days over the holidays then said she would never move back in but wanted to still stay over now and again but just as friends I didn’t really want this so we never spoke for a fair few weeks again and eventually I gave in thinking having her and my daughter here under those conditions were better than none she was hesitant at first but then started coming round and announced she would move back in when her tenancy is up all was great I was truly happy again for first time in months then she now says she will stay over and move back in but I have to accept she will never love me. At first I said no but after a really low mood few days I’m tempted to accept this and pray someday she may change mind? All my mates tell me I’m stupid and need to move on but after 15 years and 2 kids I find it so hard to let go and think maybe a little bit of something is better than nothing? I don’t knoe |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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She's treating you like shit, you deserve better than a head fuck.
How did she get into your house? I'd be wary what the heck she's doing while you're out. Change the locks.
Stay as friends to make it easier seeing your daughter.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It does sound complicated! How will you react when she’s gonna start dating other men? Will you be okay with that scenario?
Also, she seems a very indecisive person, moving in and out, and basically wanting your company when she’s probably feeling lonely
I understand it’s been 15 years and you have 2 kids, but sometimes you just need a fresh start, for the sake of the both of you |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Hi and thanks in advance for anyone who takes time to read
Bit of a loss on how to proceed sorry if this goes on but parter of 15 years she moved out in November, since then on 3 times now she’s came around wanting us to spend time together again then went back on it the first we were just spending evenings together which she said she greatly enjoyed before deciding she didn’t want any form of contact and said we were done
Second time she appeared a week before Christmas she was in my house when I came home from work she said she needed to nip out but suggested we get a takeaway and watch a film later which we did it lead to us spending Christmas together and she slept over a total of 8 days over the holidays then said she would never move back in but wanted to still stay over now and again but just as friends I didn’t really want this so we never spoke for a fair few weeks again and eventually I gave in thinking having her and my daughter here under those conditions were better than none she was hesitant at first but then started coming round and announced she would move back in when her tenancy is up all was great I was truly happy again for first time in months then she now says she will stay over and move back in but I have to accept she will never love me. At first I said no but after a really low mood few days I’m tempted to accept this and pray someday she may change mind? All my mates tell me I’m stupid and need to move on but after 15 years and 2 kids I find it so hard to let go and think maybe a little bit of something is better than nothing? I don’t knoe "
Carlos says "run". |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It does sound complicated! How will you react when she’s gonna start dating other men? Will you be okay with that scenario?
Also, she seems a very indecisive person, moving in and out, and basically wanting your company when she’s probably feeling lonely
I understand it’s been 15 years and you have 2 kids, but sometimes you just need a fresh start, for the sake of the both of you"
Oh i think this is a very important consideration.. And likewise if you decide to move on it will be daunting for any new interest to accept /understand the situation
From my experience, generally once its broken, its gone
Unfortunately your head and heart are still in different places
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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She’s using you and she will continue to walk all over you for as long as you allow it. Kick her out and minimise any contact. She might even respect you more for standing up for yourself and putting an end to it on your terms. |
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By *929 OP Man
over a year ago
newcastle |
"She's treating you like shit, you deserve better than a head fuck.
How did she get into your house? I'd be wary what the heck she's doing while you're out. Change the locks.
Stay as friends to make it easier seeing your daughter. "
Thank you for reply, she got in as still has a key I felt guilty about taking it off her since my house has been her home for years as daft as thst sounds. I just fear if I put a stop to it then the door closes completely and I guess it gets easier but so far hate living alone |
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By *929 OP Man
over a year ago
newcastle |
"It does sound complicated! How will you react when she’s gonna start dating other men? Will you be okay with that scenario?
Also, she seems a very indecisive person, moving in and out, and basically wanting your company when she’s probably feeling lonely
I understand it’s been 15 years and you have 2 kids, but sometimes you just need a fresh start, for the sake of the both of you"
She says it’s not a worry (I know what she says and does can be completely different) she has complications from her hysterectomy that she is awaiting surgery for although they have warned her chances of it recurring or high which makes sex not really an option but I know there’s nothing stopping her running of for love
I know it’s the right thing to do walking away but rather than accepting her offer but it’s just scary going back into that world and fear ending up alone permanently
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It seems you are both very unsure so moving in is probably not the best idea right now.
As for how to go forward, some couples do transition to being more companions and that's ok if everyone is happy with that. It sounds like you wouldn't be though and it would hurt you in the long run. If you decide to go into it, you need to be sure that you're ok with the possibility that things may remain that way rather than hoping she changes her mind. It's ok to live together as friends and coparents and there are plenty of practical benefits to doing so but you also need to consider your own wellbeing. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Sorry, but this seems like a poisonous and manipulative relationship to me, and I think you need to call it a day, with no exceptions."
And another thing, it seems pretty off to me that she lets herself back in your house whenever she feels like it. Tell her you want the key back and/or change the lock.
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By *929 OP Man
over a year ago
newcastle |
"Hi and thanks in advance for anyone who takes time to read
Bit of a loss on how to proceed sorry if this goes on but parter of 15 years she moved out in November, since then on 3 times now she’s came around wanting us to spend time together again then went back on it the first we were just spending evenings together which she said she greatly enjoyed before deciding she didn’t want any form of contact and said we were done
Second time she appeared a week before Christmas she was in my house when I came home from work she said she needed to nip out but suggested we get a takeaway and watch a film later which we did it lead to us spending Christmas together and she slept over a total of 8 days over the holidays then said she would never move back in but wanted to still stay over now and again but just as friends I didn’t really want this so we never spoke for a fair few weeks again and eventually I gave in thinking having her and my daughter here under those conditions were better than none she was hesitant at first but then started coming round and announced she would move back in when her tenancy is up all was great I was truly happy again for first time in months then she now says she will stay over and move back in but I have to accept she will never love me. At first I said no but after a really low mood few days I’m tempted to accept this and pray someday she may change mind? All my mates tell me I’m stupid and need to move on but after 15 years and 2 kids I find it so hard to let go and think maybe a little bit of something is better than nothing? I don’t knoe
Carlos says "run"."
Exactly what most seem to be saying in real life as well mate |
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By *929 OP Man
over a year ago
newcastle |
"It does sound complicated! How will you react when she’s gonna start dating other men? Will you be okay with that scenario?
Also, she seems a very indecisive person, moving in and out, and basically wanting your company when she’s probably feeling lonely
I understand it’s been 15 years and you have 2 kids, but sometimes you just need a fresh start, for the sake of the both of you
Oh i think this is a very important consideration.. And likewise if you decide to move on it will be daunting for any new interest to accept /understand the situation
From my experience, generally once its broken, its gone
Unfortunately your head and heart are still in different places
"
I agree exactly with what saying unfortunately I’m the type thst will probably hold on for her forever if that situation took place it isn’t the first time she’s left although this is the longest she has and I was still daft enough to take her back with open arms |
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"She's treating you like shit, you deserve better than a head fuck.
How did she get into your house? I'd be wary what the heck she's doing while you're out. Change the locks.
Stay as friends to make it easier seeing your daughter.
Thank you for reply, she got in as still has a key I felt guilty about taking it off her since my house has been her home for years as daft as thst sounds. I just fear if I put a stop to it then the door closes completely and I guess it gets easier but so far hate living alone"
Yes, it will be a massive change, living alone, but change can sometimes be good. No one really looks forward to it, other than social pariahs like me, but don't let the fear put you off. Think of it as a gap between relationships, where you can work on yourself, or do nothing except please yourself about what you do, when and how you do it and who you do it with. The is all so recent it's bound to feel overwhelming, but break it down into days, then weeks and then months, and before you know it you'll be wondering what you were scared of.
And then you'll no doubt meet someone far better.
And also, being alone isn't necessarily the worst thing in life. Just because there's no one else in the house means you can fill your time with friends and hobbies. And you could have an effective stranger in the house, knackering your chance of meeting others. To me, that's true loneliness....
Good luck, and keep us posted  |
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What would your reaction be when after she has moved back in she announces that she's seeing someone else....
If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your daughter and set proper boundaries with your ex |
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By *929 OP Man
over a year ago
newcastle |
"She’s using you and she will continue to walk all over you for as long as you allow it. Kick her out and minimise any contact. She might even respect you more for standing up for yourself and putting an end to it on your terms."
This is what I’m trying to do now since Thursday just today doubts creeping in and the offer is starting to look more tempting just for the company if anything, so thought I’d ask here I know your right with what saying and need to stick it out |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Hi and thanks in advance for anyone who takes time to read
Bit of a loss on how to proceed sorry if this goes on but parter of 15 years she moved out in November, since then on 3 times now she’s came around wanting us to spend time together again then went back on it the first we were just spending evenings together which she said she greatly enjoyed before deciding she didn’t want any form of contact and said we were done
Second time she appeared a week before Christmas she was in my house when I came home from work she said she needed to nip out but suggested we get a takeaway and watch a film later which we did it lead to us spending Christmas together and she slept over a total of 8 days over the holidays then said she would never move back in but wanted to still stay over now and again but just as friends I didn’t really want this so we never spoke for a fair few weeks again and eventually I gave in thinking having her and my daughter here under those conditions were better than none she was hesitant at first but then started coming round and announced she would move back in when her tenancy is up all was great I was truly happy again for first time in months then she now says she will stay over and move back in but I have to accept she will never love me. At first I said no but after a really low mood few days I’m tempted to accept this and pray someday she may change mind? All my mates tell me I’m stupid and need to move on but after 15 years and 2 kids I find it so hard to let go and think maybe a little bit of something is better than nothing? I don’t knoe
Carlos says "run".
Exactly what most seem to be saying in real life as well mate"
Carlos is never wrong.  |
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Your daughter deserves better.
Do you honestly think this same pattern is not going to be repeated over and over again.
I know the prospect of being alone is not a nice one but I'd rather that than being in this kind of manipulative situation x
Whatever happens OP..only you can decide what you are happy to settle for x |
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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago
South Wales |
Listen to your mates. She’s treating you like shit and you’re letting her.
She will wreck your self esteem, your mental health, and is all take take take. And for what? A bit of affection when she feels like it. Great sex? I’ve got news for you, other women are good at sex too AND they treat folk a darn sight better than she’s treating you.
Surely you can do better than that? Surely you want better than that for yourself?
Having Kids together is not a reason to put up with being treated like a mug. Cos that’s what she’s taking you for.
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By *929 OP Man
over a year ago
newcastle |
"It seems you are both very unsure so moving in is probably not the best idea right now.
As for how to go forward, some couples do transition to being more companions and that's ok if everyone is happy with that. It sounds like you wouldn't be though and it would hurt you in the long run. If you decide to go into it, you need to be sure that you're ok with the possibility that things may remain that way rather than hoping she changes her mind. It's ok to live together as friends and coparents and there are plenty of practical benefits to doing so but you also need to consider your own wellbeing."
I think it could work if I felt the same but despite everything I still love her I know I really shouldn’t after everything but turning it off is just hard to do and know it would cause issues especially if it didn’t grow again like I hoped. |
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By *929 OP Man
over a year ago
newcastle |
"Sounds like she wants her cake and eat it too. She is calling all the shots with no consideration for your feelings."
Definitely it’s not just mine it’s the kids too our daughter was so excited a week ago asking if we would get back together our son who lives with me (I know I said living alone but a teenager who’s room is in the loft and only emerges for good is as good as living alone haha) never really said much on the situation but I imagine he had his hopes up too |
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"It seems you are both very unsure so moving in is probably not the best idea right now.
As for how to go forward, some couples do transition to being more companions and that's ok if everyone is happy with that. It sounds like you wouldn't be though and it would hurt you in the long run. If you decide to go into it, you need to be sure that you're ok with the possibility that things may remain that way rather than hoping she changes her mind. It's ok to live together as friends and coparents and there are plenty of practical benefits to doing so but you also need to consider your own wellbeing.
I think it could work if I felt the same but despite everything I still love her I know I really shouldn’t after everything but turning it off is just hard to do and know it would cause issues especially if it didn’t grow again like I hoped. "
You can't help how you feel but you can control the choices you make. I would say it wouldn't be a wise thing to agree to if you're just going to be hoping for something that will likely never happen. I'm sorry OP. I think you know deep down from your answers what is the right thing to do and I know it isn't easy. This back and forth with her isn't allowing you to move on though. |
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"It seems you are both very unsure so moving in is probably not the best idea right now.
As for how to go forward, some couples do transition to being more companions and that's ok if everyone is happy with that. It sounds like you wouldn't be though and it would hurt you in the long run. If you decide to go into it, you need to be sure that you're ok with the possibility that things may remain that way rather than hoping she changes her mind. It's ok to live together as friends and coparents and there are plenty of practical benefits to doing so but you also need to consider your own wellbeing.
I think it could work if I felt the same but despite everything I still love her I know I really shouldn’t after everything but turning it off is just hard to do and know it would cause issues especially if it didn’t grow again like I hoped. "
Let ok, if she moved out, it's because she's moved on already. It will therefore never grow again like you want it to, so don't even go there.
It will be difficult, because you can't just turn off feelings - I know, because I was in the same place as you, but during lockdown. Had a bit of a breakdown, if I'm honest, but I'm out the other side now.
And at least now you can go to the pub and be distracted by others  |
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By *929 OP Man
over a year ago
newcastle |
"What would your reaction be when after she has moved back in she announces that she's seeing someone else....
If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your daughter and set proper boundaries with your ex"
She says thst wouldn’t be an issue but I guess she would say that |
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By *ady LickWoman
over a year ago
Northampton Somewhere |
It's natural to have a little bit of love for someone after so long especially as you have children together. You need to think of them, and you. Let them see that you are a strong man who won't allow their mother to take you for granted. You don't want them growing up thinking this is normal, do you? And your mental well being is so important. You're still young, be positive, you can do this.
Set your boundaries.
Make plans for your future, and that of your children. |
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By *929 OP Man
over a year ago
newcastle |
"Your daughter deserves better.
Do you honestly think this same pattern is not going to be repeated over and over again.
I know the prospect of being alone is not a nice one but I'd rather that than being in this kind of manipulative situation x
Whatever happens OP..only you can decide what you are happy to settle for x"
Your right it will repeat she has left several times before and likley will again down the line if she moved back in. Starting to see from all the replies my mates are right I don’t distrust their advice but know they will carry a bit bias everyone in here seems to echo their thoughts |
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By *omer47Man
over a year ago
leigh |
Really...my god she's used you good and proper. Why does she still have a key to your place after she left?,take it off of her and move on. The kids are very resilient and will come to terms with it just like hundred of other kids do all over the world. An ex is an ex for a reason. |
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By *929 OP Man
over a year ago
newcastle |
"She's treating you like shit, you deserve better than a head fuck.
How did she get into your house? I'd be wary what the heck she's doing while you're out. Change the locks.
Stay as friends to make it easier seeing your daughter.
Thank you for reply, she got in as still has a key I felt guilty about taking it off her since my house has been her home for years as daft as thst sounds. I just fear if I put a stop to it then the door closes completely and I guess it gets easier but so far hate living alone
Yes, it will be a massive change, living alone, but change can sometimes be good. No one really looks forward to it, other than social pariahs like me, but don't let the fear put you off. Think of it as a gap between relationships, where you can work on yourself, or do nothing except please yourself about what you do, when and how you do it and who you do it with. The is all so recent it's bound to feel overwhelming, but break it down into days, then weeks and then months, and before you know it you'll be wondering what you were scared of.
And then you'll no doubt meet someone far better.
And also, being alone isn't necessarily the worst thing in life. Just because there's no one else in the house means you can fill your time with friends and hobbies. And you could have an effective stranger in the house, knackering your chance of meeting others. To me, that's true loneliness....
Good luck, and keep us posted "
Sound advice mate thank you for taking the time to write it will do cheers
(Sorry all for cluttering up the threat just wanted to take time to reply to all who were kind enough to reply) |
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By *929 OP Man
over a year ago
newcastle |
"Listen to your mates. She’s treating you like shit and you’re letting her.
She will wreck your self esteem, your mental health, and is all take take take. And for what? A bit of affection when she feels like it. Great sex? I’ve got news for you, other women are good at sex too AND they treat folk a darn sight better than she’s treating you.
Surely you can do better than that? Surely you want better than that for yourself?
Having Kids together is not a reason to put up with being treated like a mug. Cos that’s what she’s taking you for.
"
Think she almost already wrecked them both to be honest, we didn’t even have sex in the end due to her health problems it’s just the companionship more than anything family days out ect I like to believe I could be happy wand find someone like the example you give but not getting any younger and not exactly blessed in looks department as well as being quite quiet and a bit shy so fear thst accepting what little she offers may be better than being alone rest of life |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think on top of the way she’s treating you you’re also putting yourself down. You’re relatively young, in great shape and you’re obviously not that bad if she keeps coming back. What makes you think you’ll be alone if she’s gone? Put yourself out there a bit and I’m sure you’ll find someone to keep you company and maybe treat you with the respect you deserve. |
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By *929 OP Man
over a year ago
newcastle |
"It seems you are both very unsure so moving in is probably not the best idea right now.
As for how to go forward, some couples do transition to being more companions and that's ok if everyone is happy with that. It sounds like you wouldn't be though and it would hurt you in the long run. If you decide to go into it, you need to be sure that you're ok with the possibility that things may remain that way rather than hoping she changes her mind. It's ok to live together as friends and coparents and there are plenty of practical benefits to doing so but you also need to consider your own wellbeing.
I think it could work if I felt the same but despite everything I still love her I know I really shouldn’t after everything but turning it off is just hard to do and know it would cause issues especially if it didn’t grow again like I hoped.
You can't help how you feel but you can control the choices you make. I would say it wouldn't be a wise thing to agree to if you're just going to be hoping for something that will likely never happen. I'm sorry OP. I think you know deep down from your answers what is the right thing to do and I know it isn't easy. This back and forth with her isn't allowing you to move on though. "
This is true about the moving on each of the 3 time I start to feel relatively ok on my own still sad and lonely but getting on with it but each time she shows up acting like she wanting to come back then does away again it’s just like being back at square one |
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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago
South Wales |
"Listen to your mates. She’s treating you like shit and you’re letting her.
She will wreck your self esteem, your mental health, and is all take take take. And for what? A bit of affection when she feels like it. Great sex? I’ve got news for you, other women are good at sex too AND they treat folk a darn sight better than she’s treating you.
Surely you can do better than that? Surely you want better than that for yourself?
Having Kids together is not a reason to put up with being treated like a mug. Cos that’s what she’s taking you for.
Think she almost already wrecked them both to be honest, we didn’t even have sex in the end due to her health problems it’s just the companionship more than anything family days out ect I like to believe I could be happy wand find someone like the example you give but not getting any younger and not exactly blessed in looks department as well as being quite quiet and a bit shy so fear thst accepting what little she offers may be better than being alone rest of life"
You’re only 38!! It’s not a race to find someone to replace her, more a case of taking time to regain your self esteem, to heal from a broken relationship and everything that entails, to learn to live again without doubting yourself. This all takes time.
Everyone who has broken up with someone needs that time. And although it won’t feel like it now, it does get better, honestly. And eventually you will think about putting yourself out there again and will find someone who loves you as much as you love them. No head games. And it will feel amazing. Be it a year from now or five years. There is no rush. But you have to learn to love yourself too.
Just look forwards, not backwards. Don’t put up with being the fall back guy. You deserve more than that.
And in my opinion, it’s better to be alone than to be miserable in a relationship where you are thrown breadcrumbs. That will wear you down in the end. |
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By *929 OP Man
over a year ago
newcastle |
"It seems you are both very unsure so moving in is probably not the best idea right now.
As for how to go forward, some couples do transition to being more companions and that's ok if everyone is happy with that. It sounds like you wouldn't be though and it would hurt you in the long run. If you decide to go into it, you need to be sure that you're ok with the possibility that things may remain that way rather than hoping she changes her mind. It's ok to live together as friends and coparents and there are plenty of practical benefits to doing so but you also need to consider your own wellbeing.
I think it could work if I felt the same but despite everything I still love her I know I really shouldn’t after everything but turning it off is just hard to do and know it would cause issues especially if it didn’t grow again like I hoped.
Let ok, if she moved out, it's because she's moved on already. It will therefore never grow again like you want it to, so don't even go there.
It will be difficult, because you can't just turn off feelings - I know, because I was in the same place as you, but during lockdown. Had a bit of a breakdown, if I'm honest, but I'm out the other side now.
And at least now you can go to the pub and be distracted by others "
Good point mate about the moving on sorry yo hear you went through the same and suffered badly glad to hear your on the mend mate |
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"She’s using the fact that you still her. She thinks she get what she wants even after leaving you. In my opinion think of your self.
True mate thank you "
Also respect yourself, show your children that you do and that you are able to put boundaries in place that maintain good adult relationships. |
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By *929 OP Man
over a year ago
newcastle |
"Really...my god she's used you good and proper. Why does she still have a key to your place after she left?,take it off of her and move on. The kids are very resilient and will come to terms with it just like hundred of other kids do all over the world. An ex is an ex for a reason. "
basically if too soft to take it from her mate as ridiculous as it sounds
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By *929 OP Man
over a year ago
newcastle |
"I think on top of the way she’s treating you you’re also putting yourself down. You’re relatively young, in great shape and you’re obviously not that bad if she keeps coming back. What makes you think you’ll be alone if she’s gone? Put yourself out there a bit and I’m sure you’ll find someone to keep you company and maybe treat you with the respect you deserve."
Thank you for kind words it’s Just the fact that I’m quite shy and not great at conversation untill I know someone well which will make it hard to meet people. All my friends have family’s so have limited time so means going out alone. |
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By *929 OP Man
over a year ago
newcastle |
"Listen to your mates. She’s treating you like shit and you’re letting her.
She will wreck your self esteem, your mental health, and is all take take take. And for what? A bit of affection when she feels like it. Great sex? I’ve got news for you, other women are good at sex too AND they treat folk a darn sight better than she’s treating you.
Surely you can do better than that? Surely you want better than that for yourself?
Having Kids together is not a reason to put up with being treated like a mug. Cos that’s what she’s taking you for.
Think she almost already wrecked them both to be honest, we didn’t even have sex in the end due to her health problems it’s just the companionship more than anything family days out ect I like to believe I could be happy wand find someone like the example you give but not getting any younger and not exactly blessed in looks department as well as being quite quiet and a bit shy so fear thst accepting what little she offers may be better than being alone rest of life
You’re only 38!! It’s not a race to find someone to replace her, more a case of taking time to regain your self esteem, to heal from a broken relationship and everything that entails, to learn to live again without doubting yourself. This all takes time.
Everyone who has broken up with someone needs that time. And although it won’t feel like it now, it does get better, honestly. And eventually you will think about putting yourself out there again and will find someone who loves you as much as you love them. No head games. And it will feel amazing. Be it a year from now or five years. There is no rush. But you have to learn to love yourself too.
Just look forwards, not backwards. Don’t put up with being the fall back guy. You deserve more than that.
And in my opinion, it’s better to be alone than to be miserable in a relationship where you are thrown breadcrumbs. That will wear you down in the end."
I really hope that could happen and it sounds magical to be honest I’ve always known she never felt truly for me she left while she was pregnant with our first kid, then again 7 years later (ashamed to admit but was for someone else and still took her back) left again a year later after I’d just bought this house for us to have a fresh start, she swore this was it when she came back yet here we are again. It’s not been nice having these things in mind whole relationship and have thought about what you said about having someone who feels the same and it feeling amazing I just put it down to only a lucky few get that fairy tail and this was the hand dealt |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It does sound complicated! How will you react when she’s gonna start dating other men? Will you be okay with that scenario?
Also, she seems a very indecisive person, moving in and out, and basically wanting your company when she’s probably feeling lonely
I understand it’s been 15 years and you have 2 kids, but sometimes you just need a fresh start, for the sake of the both of you
She says it’s not a worry (I know what she says and does can be completely different) she has complications from her hysterectomy that she is awaiting surgery for although they have warned her chances of it recurring or high which makes sex not really an option but I know there’s nothing stopping her running of for love
I know it’s the right thing to do walking away but rather than accepting her offer but it’s just scary going back into that world and fear ending up alone permanently
"
You have your answer tho, you are accepting this crap situation for fear of ending up alone permanently.
Probably not true, trust me x |
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There can often be no easy solution, for longstanding relationships changing course.
You can only communicate honestly about what you both want and for each of you to decide whether you are fully agreed to commit to continuing on that basis.
It shouldn't be about circumstances, such as Christmas, encouraging you to get together, or rental terms ending. Your futures are much too important for convenience to dictate them.
You may need more time apart, for you to decide what you want from life, that may not be the easiest or fairytale ending that you could ideally have.
But breaking up can be less attractive and yet provide the freedom and foundation that we need, in order to create a new future |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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This is so painful for you op and you feel confused getting these mixed messages. I guess it might feel easier if you had no kids…you do have choices…carry on as it is and keep getting hurt or end it or find a compromise that suits both. You can stay together with your kids and build your own separate life, including on Fab (you joined for a reason). Your relationship will never be the same as it was and sounds like your partner has her own health worries. Life is messy… trust your gut and your heart and head and all the best…hope it works out |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Think about the kind of relationship you want your children to have. If they see their parents staying together but not happily, they will think this is the norm. They might think it is shameful to be alone.
Lots of couples stay together because of the kids but in reality, you're just modelling unhappiness to them. |
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Ive been there, But you are being used when she wants you.
Pulling at your heart strings when she wants to do.
As goes for second time why in your house while you was at work, Seems really strange unless she was interested in taking more than what she should do.
I can see the point with the kids but they will also get the wrong idea.
Yes she moved out a while ago best to say no but keep it amicable. |
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Hi OP. I checked your age before responding because of your last statement. “A little bit of something is better than nothing”
I understand what you mean here, but she is praying on this fear you have, this fear of having nothing. It is controlling behaviour.
Have you ever been to a party where you get given a plate of food and a glass of wine? Well it’s really difficult to try one without putting the other one down, something gets spilled, sausage rolls roll under the settee.
My advice? Put both the plate and the wine down, step out in the garden and take a deep breath. You cannot cross the ocean if you fear losing sight of the shore.
((Yes I am in the fortune cookie business) |
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By *ustBoWoman
over a year ago
Somewhere in Co. Down |
She doesn't love you and has said this and hard as that is to hear you do need to accept it and move on. And I know it is really hard to but her feelings won't change at this point and her moving back in will be a mistake.You both deserve better. It's better to be single and alone than be in a relationship where you are even more lonely and that's what this is.
When the feelings go for one person no matter how much the other person wishes they can change their mind it won't happen and leads to heartbreak all round.
And I know how scary it can be and how it is to cling on to the tiny glimpse of hope in a dying relationship but I have also learnt you are better off cutting those ties and moving on.While you are doing that it feels like you are swimming against a tidal wave but you do come out the other side and you realise it was for the best.If you do it now you have a hope of saving your friendship which would be the best for you all.
Good luck with whatever you decide. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It's natural to have a little bit of love for someone after so long especially as you have children together. You need to think of them, and you. Let them see that you are a strong man who won't allow their mother to take you for granted. You don't want them growing up thinking this is normal, do you? And your mental well being is so important. You're still young, be positive, you can do this.
Set your boundaries.
Make plans for your future, and that of your children."
^^this.
Imagine your daughter or son were grown up and telling you this story as theirs. What advice would you give to them? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Starting to see from all the replies my mates are right I don’t distrust their advice but know they will carry a bit bias everyone in here seems to echo their thoughts "
You say biased. I say looking out for you and have your best interests at heart. |
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I'm sorry if this message is way off of the mark as I've not got any children of my own but was in a relationship where every thing had to be on their terms, they could do what they wanted to but I had to adhere to their rules.
It was ok at the beginning, but it wears you down, I ended up being miserable for months and the best thing I ever did was to walk away, heart broken, but with my dignity intact and now I can't believe that I put up with it for so long.
Have confidence in your self, you are worth more than what she is willing to give you, and it sounds like walking away will hurt but in a few months time you will be far better off!!! (In my opinion any way) |
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Sounds to me like she’s off getting what she wants on the side and coming back to you as an emotional support tampon
Unless this is what you want, kick her to the curb
Eventually these little sleep overs will end when she finds a new guy and you’ll be left hurt again
Get rid of her |
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By *otMe66Man
over a year ago
Terra Firma |
"Hi and thanks in advance for anyone who takes time to read
Bit of a loss on how to proceed sorry if this goes on but parter of 15 years she moved out in November, since then on 3 times now she’s came around wanting us to spend time together again then went back on it the first we were just spending evenings together which she said she greatly enjoyed before deciding she didn’t want any form of contact and said we were done
Second time she appeared a week before Christmas she was in my house when I came home from work she said she needed to nip out but suggested we get a takeaway and watch a film later which we did it lead to us spending Christmas together and she slept over a total of 8 days over the holidays then said she would never move back in but wanted to still stay over now and again but just as friends I didn’t really want this so we never spoke for a fair few weeks again and eventually I gave in thinking having her and my daughter here under those conditions were better than none she was hesitant at first but then started coming round and announced she would move back in when her tenancy is up all was great I was truly happy again for first time in months then she now says she will stay over and move back in but I have to accept she will never love me. At first I said no but after a really low mood few days I’m tempted to accept this and pray someday she may change mind? All my mates tell me I’m stupid and need to move on but after 15 years and 2 kids I find it so hard to let go and think maybe a little bit of something is better than nothing? I don’t knoe "
If one of your children was in this situation and asked for advice, what would you advise them to do? That maybe your answer to yourself |
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You’re a young guy and have years ahead of you believe me you don’t need to be in that situation 
