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Dad jokes
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I’ve tried to wait, but I can’t ( all you like)
Hit me with your best (worst) jokes
I had a date last night.
It was perfect.
Tomorrow I'Il try a grape. |
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By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
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Oh I have a good joke about chemistry but I don't think it'll get a reaction. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Oh I have a good joke about chemistry but I don't think it'll get a reaction. "
The adjective for metal is metallic.
But not so for iron.. which is ironic. |
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What do Incel and Excel have in common?
Misinterpreting something as a date.
LvM |
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By *mily36CWoman
over a year ago
Bedford (or anywhere beginning with B..!?) |
Why did the rugby player go to see the vet?
Because his calves were sore.
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Atheism is a non profit organisation |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Not really a dad joke as such, but a joke at my expense.
I laughed at my daughter for having a 'builders bum',and she immediately replied with "And you have a C**** face". |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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OK so why don't ants get Ill?
Because of their anty bodies |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"OK so why don't ants get Ill?
Because of their anty bodies "
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
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It's a little known fact that cow farts come
from the dairy air. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"OK so why don't ants get Ill?
Because of their anty bodies "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I used to be addicted to soap but I'm clean now! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
It's a little known fact that cow farts come
from the dairy air."
Oh my God |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My dogs name is Minton. Today he ate my shuttlecock. Bad Minton! |
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By *WDomMan
over a year ago
Taunton |
Train announcement:
Would the train standing on platform 5, please get back on the rails |
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By *mily36CWoman
over a year ago
Bedford (or anywhere beginning with B..!?) |
Why don't grasshoppers watch rugby?
They prefer cricket.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A recent scientific study found that baby's are not born with photographic memories
They take time to develop |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"My dogs name is Minton. Today he ate my shuttlecock. Bad Minton! "
How can something be bad and oh so good at the same time?! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Train announcement:
Would the train standing on platform 5, please get back on the rails"
Love it! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints. |
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Did you hear about the superhero with a lisp that spends all day in the gym? He's thor |
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By *MCMan
over a year ago
London/EA |
Sad news, my obese parrot died today..
Mind you, it’s a huge weight off my shoulders. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Did you hear about the superhero with a lisp that spends all day in the gym? He's thor"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Dad - "Here's my Batman impression....NO, NOT THE KRYPTONITE"!!
Son - "That's Superman"!
Dad - "Thanks son, been working on it for months". |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The model village near us burnt down last night.
They reckon you could see the flames from 10ft away. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Sad news, my obese parrot died today..
Mind you, it’s a huge weight off my shoulders. "
Hahahaha!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Do you know what's odd? Every other number. |
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By *MCMan
over a year ago
London/EA |
My favourite childhood memory was building sandcastle with my grandad..
Until my mum took the urn away from me..
A bit dark for a Saturday morning? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What do Incel and Excel have in common?
Misinterpreting something as a date.
LvM"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Did you hear about the superhero with a lisp that spends all day in the gym? He's thor
"
Omg that made me laugh a lot |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"My favourite childhood memory was building sandcastle with my grandad..
Until my mum took the urn away from me..
A bit dark for a Saturday morning? "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I finally got around to learning how to make a salad. Something that needed addressing. |
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By *mily36CWoman
over a year ago
Bedford (or anywhere beginning with B..!?) |
Which days are the strongest?
Saturday and Sunday.... the rest are weekdays.
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Doctor doctor, my arm hurts when I do 'this'.
Well, don't do 'this' then. |
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By *mily36CWoman
over a year ago
Bedford (or anywhere beginning with B..!?) |
I asked my date to meet me at the gym but he never showed up.
I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.
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I had a bath in creosote last night, thought i would treat myself
T |
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By *mily36CWoman
over a year ago
Bedford (or anywhere beginning with B..!?) |
What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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'I'm sorry I'm late for class miss, but my dad got burnt this morning'.
'Oh dear, was it a bad burn?'
'Well, they don't fuck about at the crematorium, miss'. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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[Removed by poster at 12/02/22 22:47:52] |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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'Can I lick the bowl, mummy?'
'No John, you'll pull the chain like everyone else'. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"The model village near us burnt down last night.
They reckon you could see the flames from 10ft away."
This made me laugh
They all made me giggle though |
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What is black and white but red all over?
A news paper |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Man said to his wife, tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.
Wife replies, you have the biggest penis out of all your friends.
Winston |
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By *hhhh888Woman
over a year ago
somewhere secret |
What did the scarf say to the hat?
You go on ahead, i'll hang around |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Have I ever told you my opinion of windmills? Big Fan.
Winston |
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By *rAitchMan
over a year ago
Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe |
The ice cream man was found dead in his van, covered in raspberry sauce and sprinkles.
Police said he'd topped himself! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you call a man in a bush with no arms or legs?
RUSSELL |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What's brown and sticky?
A stick. |
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I was in a lift the other day,
When a woman with huge boobs got in after me.
I could see her nipples through her top.
She said can you press 1.
Next thing I know I was waking up on the floor |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you call a man with no shin bones
Tony |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A farmer asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. That's 20 cows'.
Winston
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Why are Ants never sick....
Because of all their Anty bodys |
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What do you get if you cross a kangeroo and a sheep?
A wolly jumper. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Why does Santa not have to pay parking for the sleigh?
Because it’s on the house |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A thesaurus is great, there's no other word for it.
Winston
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I invented a car that moves only when
the driver is silent..
It goes without saying. |
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Why did the sheep cross the road? To go to the baaabers!! |
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What Bee can you get milk from...
A Booby
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I told my doctor I keep hearing a buzzing in my ears
He said ‘It’s just a bug going round’ |
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i spent a few moments wondering why the cricket ball kept getting bigger
then it hit me |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What's the difference between flaffal and chickpea ?
I would not pay £200 gor a flaffel to pee over me |
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By *yron69Man
over a year ago
Fareham |
Why don’t you you see Buddhists at the corner shop? Because there is a Self Checkout. |
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What do you call a woman with two toilets on her head?
Lulu |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy.
Winston |
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By *yron69Man
over a year ago
Fareham |
My wife uncovered my stash of booze and porn in the garden shed. I suspect a grass.. |
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Pizza jokes
The Dalai Lama goes to a pizza shop and says "Make me one with everything"
My Hawaiian pizza overcooked and burned. Next time I'll put the oven on aloha setting.
Pizza Land Christmas special is called The Good King Wenslezlaz. It's deep pan, crisp and even |
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By *yron69Man
over a year ago
Fareham |
"Pizza jokes
The Dalai Lama goes to a pizza shop and says "Make me one with everything"
My Hawaiian pizza overcooked and burned. Next time I'll put the oven on aloha setting.
Pizza Land Christmas special is called The Good King Wenslezlaz. It's deep pan, crisp and even"
The Vikings were defeated by a king who loved putting extra cheese on his pizza. Alfred the Grator.. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My wife has ran off with my best friend. Whoever he is. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated. |
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[Removed by poster at 13/02/22 11:02:02] |
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B&Q had a fire recently. The staff managed to save all the paint pots, brushes and wallpaper.
For their bravery, the management said they will be decorated. |
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"What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I’ve been on so many blind dates I should get a free dog |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Laughed way too hard at some of those jokes |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"B&Q had a fire recently. The staff managed to save all the paint pots, brushes and wallpaper.
For their bravery, the management said they will be decorated."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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While on holiday the farmer next door came out and said 'I'd like you to meet my wife and sister.' And there was just the one woman standing there. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my father. Not screaming and terrified like his passengers. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Hippy can I borrow your calculator my + button doesn’t work.
I have tried to figure why it’s happened, but it just doesn’t add up! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My wife just asked: 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I asked: 'Why?' and she said: 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already'. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My dad only hit me the once as a child, but he used a Volvo. |
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The local RSPCA, have moved to new premises.
The said " the old place, wasn't big enough, to swing a cat round ". |
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By *rAitchMan
over a year ago
Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe |
My mate decided to end it all by drinking a gallon of varnish.
He had a terrible end, but a lovely finish! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I once drank a bottle of tipex, ended up with a massive correction. |
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By *edGrayCouple
over a year ago
Swindon |
Why do calanders fear the future?
Because their days are numbered! |
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By *for2Man
over a year ago
Bristol |
I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together.It was Riveting. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Barry Gibb has just announced he is moving to Cornwall. He wants to see Morris dancing once again. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Why is Glasgow like Las Vegas? In both cities, you can buy sex with chips. |
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By *obletonMan
over a year ago
A Home Among The Woodland Creatures |
During a job interview I was asked how well I perform under pressure.
"not great" I said, "but you should hear my Bohemian Rhapsody" |
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By *obletonMan
over a year ago
A Home Among The Woodland Creatures |
I saw my wife for the first time when she was working at the zoo.
The moment I laid eyes on here I thought "she's a keeper" |
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By *obletonMan
over a year ago
A Home Among The Woodland Creatures |
Have you heard about the method of tying your shoelaces using only the power of your mind?
Thought not |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If the Rolling Stones came from Aberdeen would they sing 'Hey MacLeod, get off of my ewe?' |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Whet to an animal park last week, but the only animal there was a small dog.....it was a shit zoo. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Why do Swedish warships have barcodes
on them?
So when they dock they can Scandinavian. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Bought an LP the other day called 'Noises a wasp makes'. Listening to it I thought this sounds nothing like wasp noises, then I realised I was playing the bee side. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you call a man with a 2 inch penis.....
Justin |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What did the plumber say to his wife outside the divorce court.
"It's over Flo". |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you call a man with a seagull on his head....
Cliff |
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By *mily36CWoman
over a year ago
Bedford (or anywhere beginning with B..!?) |
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon...
I'll let you know |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What's green and brown and highly dangerous?
A pool table with a machine gun. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you call a man with 50 rabbits up his arse?
Warren. |
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"What do you call a man with 50 rabbits up his arse?
Warren."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Saw a girl home a few nights ago. After a kiss a cuddle and a grope on the couch, she asked if I fancied a wank to which I replied in the affirmative.
She said 'No problem, I'll be in the kitchen when you've finished'. |
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Who can drink 2 litres of petrol?
Jerry can. |
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"Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
"
That's undderly ridiculous |
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By *mily36CWoman
over a year ago
Bedford (or anywhere beginning with B..!?) |
What has five toes and isn't your foot?
My foot.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What has five toes and isn't your foot?
My foot.
"
Holy fuck Emily! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Fat fingered emoji mistake. Was meant to be |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I was reading some of these out to my 15 year old last night. I was howling, and she was like |
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Just when you thought food can't call you on the phone, boom!...Onion rings. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you call a Chinese man with one leg?
Tai Won Shu
What do you call an Indian opera singer with me leg?
Balan Singh |
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A pun walks into a room and kills 10 people.
Pun in, ten dead. |
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I messed up adding a calender app to my phone. Accidentally installed a colander app instead.
All it does is drain the battery. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Have you heard about the method of tying your shoelaces using only the power of your mind?
Thought not"
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I went to a bookstore and saw a book titled "How to solve 50% of your problems".
I bought 2. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Accordion to recent survey 7 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace a word with a musical instrument. |
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I'm trying to come up with a carpentry joke that woodwork. |
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By *mily36CWoman
over a year ago
Bedford (or anywhere beginning with B..!?) |
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By *mily36CWoman
over a year ago
Bedford (or anywhere beginning with B..!?) |
As I get older, I remember all the people I've lost along the way...
...maybe I'm just not cut out to be a tour guide.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What's pink and hard?
A pig with a flick knife |
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"What's pink and hard?
A pig with a flick knife "
Has anyone done "whats brown and sticky?" yet? |
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By *avie65Man
over a year ago
In the west. |
[Removed by poster at 14/02/22 21:27:37] |
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By *avie65Man
over a year ago
In the west. |
A bacon roll walked into a bar. The barman said "sorry we don't serve food here". |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Accordion to recent survey 7 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace a word with a musical instrument."
That's good |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My wife just phoned me to say that 3 girls in her office have received flowers and they are absolutely gorgeous.
I said, "Thats probably why." |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"As I get older, I remember all the people I've lost along the way...
...maybe I'm just not cut out to be a tour guide.
"
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What do you call a climaxing vampire?
Ejacula |
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By *mily36CWoman
over a year ago
Bedford (or anywhere beginning with B..!?) |
What I really hate is when people say age is only a number.
Age is clearly a word.
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"I’ve tried to wait, but I can’t ( all you like)
Hit me with your best (worst) jokes
I had a date last night.
It was perfect.
Tomorrow I'Il try a grape."
Q,,, Why are the vast majority of Archaeologists Women?
A,,,It's Due to their natural ability to dig up the past,,
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By *mily36CWoman
over a year ago
Bedford (or anywhere beginning with B..!?) |
Girl: "Girls are better than boys."
Boy: "Then why did God make boys first?"
Girl: "Duh, you have to have a rough draft before the final copy."
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West ham are 4th in the league still ,
Dont aske meow |
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Lady goes to the doctor and says her bums sore
Doctor asks whereabouts
The lady say just by the entrance
The doctor replys ,aslong as its called an entrance it always will be |
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Just spent £300 hiring a limo only to discover it doesn't come with a driver.
Can't believe I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it. |
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How do you find a blind man on a nudist beach?
Its not hard... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A woman walked into a pub and asked the barman for a double entendre.
So he gave her one. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What happened when the dwarf walked into a seven foot tall lady?
He could an awful crack in the head. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What did the ocean say to the beach ?
Nothing it just waved |
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My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He’s a web designer. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Three men of different nationalities, one going, one leaving and one in a brothel.
The one going is Russian, the one leaving is Finnish, and the one in the brothel? Himalayan! |
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Wtf? I just found out Einstein is a real person?!!!
I thought he was a theoretical physicist. |
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"Wtf? I just found out Einstein is a real person?!!!
I thought he was a theoretical physicist."
Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsmam walk into a bar. Landlord says "Is this some kind of joke?" |
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"Wtf? I just found out Einstein is a real person?!!!
I thought he was a theoretical physicist.
Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsmam walk into a bar. Landlord says "Is this some kind of joke?""
Horse walks into a bar, landlord says "Why the long face?" |
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"Wtf? I just found out Einstein is a real person?!!!
I thought he was a theoretical physicist.
Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsmam walk into a bar. Landlord says "Is this some kind of joke?"
Jeez, this audience, it's like playing the Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night when both Celtic and Rangers have lost (thanks to Ken Dodd)
Horse walks into a bar, landlord says "Why the long face?""
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I've got a joke on chemistry...but I don't think it'll get a reaction. |
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"Wtf? I just found out Einstein is a real person?!!!
I thought he was a theoretical physicist.
Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsmam walk into a bar. Landlord says "Is this some kind of joke?"
Final one, then I will fuck off. . . .
Polar bear walks into a pub. "I'll have a pint of. . . . . . .bitter" the barman says"why the big pause?"
Jeez, this audience, it's like playing the Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night when both Celtic and Rangers have lost (thanks to Ken Dodd)
Horse walks into a bar, landlord says "Why the long face?""
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"I've got a joke on chemistry...but I don't think it'll get a reaction."
*Dons tin hat*
Looks like you've got plenty of lead in your pencil |
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"I've got a joke on chemistry...but I don't think it'll get a reaction.
*Dons tin hat*
Looks like you've got plenty of lead in your pencil "
I'm trying to think of an amusing chemistry based response...but all the good ones argon |
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"I've got a joke on chemistry...but I don't think it'll get a reaction.
*Dons tin hat*
Looks like you've got plenty of lead in your pencil
I'm trying to think of an amusing chemistry based response...but all the good ones argon"
Right! I'm calling a copper |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Old chemists never die.
They just fail to react.
My mate had sex with a giraffe. That was a bit of a stretch |
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I have no control, I can't see an escape and there's no end in sight. I can't believe I actually lost my home yesterday.
Anyway...it looks like I need to buy a new keyboard.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Have you seen a photo of Mount Rushmore before it was carved?
It's beauty was unpresidented. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What’s the difference between a lightbulb and your pregnant wife? You can unscrew a lightbulb |
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By *mily36CWoman
over a year ago
Bedford (or anywhere beginning with B..!?) |
A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you."
The man replies, "Boobs!"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Not to brag about my finances or anything but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding |
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"Not to brag about my finances or anything but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding "
That did make me laugh |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The dog ran off last night. I walked round the park calling his name for 20 mins and still couldn't find him. My wife said I should look harder, so I shaved my head and got a tattoo. I still can't find the dog. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My parents didn't understand me. Then again, they were Japanese. |
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Went to the doctors today. He told me I was going deaf.
That news was hard for me to hear. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Did you hear about the man who stole from a dessert shop? He was put into custardy |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Did you hear about the man who stole from a dessert shop? He was put into custardy"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'm pinching this |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"The dog ran off last night. I walked round the park calling his name for 20 mins and still couldn't find him. My wife said I should look harder, so I shaved my head and got a tattoo. I still can't find the dog."
This is brilliant
What did Spartacus say when the lion ate his wife?
Nothing, he was gladiator. |
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"The dog ran off last night. I walked round the park calling his name for 20 mins and still couldn't find him. My wife said I should look harder, so I shaved my head and got a tattoo. I still can't find the dog.
This is brilliant
Like your photos...very good!
What did Spartacus say when the lion ate his wife?
Nothing, he was gladiator."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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During a job interview:
“Can you perform under pressure”?
“No but I’ll give Bohemian Rhapsody a go” |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Did you hear about the man who stole from a dessert shop? He was put into custardy
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'm pinching this "
You're more than welcome to it |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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God must love stupid people, why else would she make so many? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Politicians and nappies have one thing in common, they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. |
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By *mily36CWoman
over a year ago
Bedford (or anywhere beginning with B..!?) |
In 2018 I missed out on a space to do the London marathon.
The same for 2019, 2020, and 2021.
This is now a running joke.
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I had a job interview at a blacksmiths yesterday.
The blacksmith asked "Are you any good at shoeing horses?"
I replied "Ummm, no. But I once told a donkey to fuck off...and it did." |
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By *ames-77Man
over a year ago
milton keynes |
Pair of spark plugs walk into a pub.. bar man says I'm not serving you you'll start something.. guess this is what a dad joke is |
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