FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Can you escape a toxic relationship?
Can you escape a toxic relationship?
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"I was just listening to someone who have done that and it was interesting to hear his story. I agree with him that you can do it, he said that it is hard and that you dont really notice it at the start, he talked about the signs that you should look out for like, they are good at making you think that you need them and they are good at manipulating your emotions, he added that during this time, it is important to surround yourself with good people to build a support team, have it happened to you and what signs did you notice? " The problem is that bad relationships aren’t bad relationships al the time, there are usually good times too, and people end up trapped by the memory of the good times, the hope for future good times, and the hope that the bad stuff is manageable or will go away. Even if they recognise what is happening, thru are often trapped by the hope that things will get better, and are so invested in the relationship that they don’t want to write it off, they want to fix it and so they make allowances, make compromises, and suck up stiff that they shouldn’t have to go through. If someone is abusive early in a relationship then it is easy to knock it on the head. Further down the road, with complications like living together, kids etc, it gets harder to make a break. I have a sister in law who left her husband, told us all how abusive he was, made a clean break, got a new job, a new flat ... and then went back to him. That’s how hard it can be to make a break. | |||
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"It is possible, but I find a lot of people who haven't been in that situation underestimate how difficult it is. I found myself stuck in a cycle of increasingly abusive relationships in my teens and twenties. Even when I was needing hospital treatment to deal with the injuries I still found it difficult to see the situation clearly. I was lucky that things reached a crisis point and my partner ended up serving a significant amount of time (not for the abuse, but at least it got me away from him). I had to do a lot of work to understand why I kept putting myself into the same situations and how my behaviours and beliefs contributed to my situation. Had I not taken a few years away from relationships and dating and sex I don't think I would've found the clarity I needed to make a complete break and make the changes I needed to make, and I think I would've ended up stuck in the same patterns of behaviour." I think your last paragraph is really important, taking time to value yourself as an individual rather than part of a couple is critical to having better relationships in the future. Toxic relationship often work on the principles of value and worth (by the toxic partner reducing them to nothing). Taking time, once you have escaped, to rebuild those in yourself prevents the cyclical return to a false “status quo” that you have been coerced into believing. | |||
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"If like me I’m trapped no where to go had one family member left and well they were told I was abusing her so now wants nothing to do with me so it’s so hard to get away " Look at the WomensAid website, there's help on there for men too. | |||
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"It depends who the toxic relationship is with, how long it's been going on, the wider implications for you and who else will be impacted by you walking away from it. I didn't realise that my relationship with my mother was/is toxic until very recently. Mr N has said on many occasions that he would have cut all contact if it was him and is often shocked at some of the things I tell him even now. Friends have been surprised too when I tell them things that I thought were just "anecdotes. It's what you're used to and if it's from childhood you think it's normal even though you swear to not repeat that behaviour with your own kids. Walking away is not possible when the person is very old and vulnerable (although all my brother's have) and it would also mean cutting all contact with my father so I'm not prepared to do it. I have mentally shielded myself though and distanced myself emotionally so in some sense I have escaped. I would say that therefore it is possible to escape but sometimes you choose to stay and use other strategies to deal with it " Sometimes it's impossible to properly escape. Sometimes people don't realise they are in a toxic relationship, even if they tick all the boxes on the 'are you in an abusive relationship' questionnaire.  | |||
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"It is but it's hard. It's hard to work on your own mental health and keep yourself from abuse and harm. Because often it leads to an increase in the abuse as the abuser realises they're loosing control and become even more reckless. I paid a big price to escape, and now have to deal with that now instead. So I'm not entirely sure you ever do fully escape it. " | |||
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"It is but it's hard. It's hard to work on your own mental health and keep yourself from abuse and harm. Because often it leads to an increase in the abuse as the abuser realises they're loosing control and become even more reckless. I paid a big price to escape, and now have to deal with that now instead. So I'm not entirely sure you ever do fully escape it. " That's what happened with my husband. He realised I was getting out and tried to do everything he thought would make me want to stay with him. He couldn't keep it up and the violence and mental abuse got worse. | |||
"It depends who the toxic relationship is with, how long it's been going on, the wider implications for you and who else will be impacted by you walking away from it. I didn't realise that my relationship with my mother was/is toxic until very recently. Mr N has said on many occasions that he would have cut all contact if it was him and is often shocked at some of the things I tell him even now. Friends have been surprised too when I tell them things that I thought were just "anecdotes. It's what you're used to and if it's from childhood you think it's normal even though you swear to not repeat that behaviour with your own kids. Walking away is not possible when the person is very old and vulnerable (although all my brother's have) and it would also mean cutting all contact with my father so I'm not prepared to do it. I have mentally shielded myself though and distanced myself emotionally so in some sense I have escaped. I would say that therefore it is possible to escape but sometimes you choose to stay and use other strategies to deal with it Sometimes it's impossible to properly escape. Sometimes people don't realise they are in a toxic relationship, even if they tick all the boxes on the 'are you in an abusive relationship' questionnaire. "Maybe because some of the "not a toxic relationship" boxes are ticked too. I know that's the case with me  | |||
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"I tried to get out for years but I had no idea how bad it was until I was out. Toxic people do a great job at convincing you that you're the problem. It took me a year to realise the full extent of it and another year of counselling to start asserting my boundaries. Reading all the other stories and hope you give yourselves credit for your strength. " The damage lasts a long time doesn’t it. | |||
"It is but it's hard. It's hard to work on your own mental health and keep yourself from abuse and harm. Because often it leads to an increase in the abuse as the abuser realises they're loosing control and become even more reckless. I paid a big price to escape, and now have to deal with that now instead. So I'm not entirely sure you ever do fully escape it. That's what happened with my husband. He realised I was getting out and tried to do everything he thought would make me want to stay with him. He couldn't keep it up and the violence and mental abuse got worse. " It's probably the most dangerous part, when they know they are loosing control. It's exactly that it was an eruption of abuse beyond anything I could have ever imagined before. Stay safe anyone who is going through this and talk to someone. Even if you think you can't because of fear and feel trapped. Talking even anonymously will help you | |||
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"I tried to get out for years but I had no idea how bad it was until I was out. Toxic people do a great job at convincing you that you're the problem. It took me a year to realise the full extent of it and another year of counselling to start asserting my boundaries. Reading all the other stories and hope you give yourselves credit for your strength. The damage lasts a long time doesn’t it." I remember reading that and not taking it in a few years ago. I know better now but it's all about progress x | |||
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"I did, took me years though. You really don’t realise what’s happening for a very very long time. " That is good and yes, you are right there too | |||
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"I tried to get out for years but I had no idea how bad it was until I was out. Toxic people do a great job at convincing you that you're the problem. It took me a year to realise the full extent of it and another year of counselling to start asserting my boundaries. Reading all the other stories and hope you give yourselves credit for your strength. The damage lasts a long time doesn’t it. I remember reading that and not taking it in a few years ago. I know better now but it's all about progress x" I had no idea how much damage he had done, and how much work it is to undo it. I’m getting there, but it’s still hard at times. | |||
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"I was just listening to someone who have done that and it was interesting to hear his story. I agree with him that you can do it, he said that it is hard and that you dont really notice it at the start, he talked about the signs that you should look out for like, they are good at making you think that you need them and they are good at manipulating your emotions, he added that during this time, it is important to surround yourself with good people to build a support team, have it happened to you and what signs did you notice? The problem is that bad relationships aren’t bad relationships al the time, there are usually good times too, and people end up trapped by the memory of the good times, the hope for future good times, and the hope that the bad stuff is manageable or will go away. Even if they recognise what is happening, thru are often trapped by the hope that things will get better, and are so invested in the relationship that they don’t want to write it off, they want to fix it and so they make allowances, make compromises, and suck up stiff that they shouldn’t have to go through. If someone is abusive early in a relationship then it is easy to knock it on the head. Further down the road, with complications like living together, kids etc, it gets harder to make a break. I have a sister in law who left her husband, told us all how abusive he was, made a clean break, got a new job, a new flat ... and then went back to him. That’s how hard it can be to make a break. " 
I think we’ve all had a few duffers and bad matches become worse over time. Look around lots of people are in relationships where they no longer like each other and should split up but for all kinds of reasons stay together. Eventually they become toxic, resentful, disrespectful. I’m sure there’s many ‘single’ people on here , you could say they are making things worse by being here
There’s a big difference with people who abuse each other
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"It depends who the toxic relationship is with, how long it's been going on, the wider implications for you and who else will be impacted by you walking away from it. I didn't realise that my relationship with my mother was/is toxic until very recently. Mr N has said on many occasions that he would have cut all contact if it was him and is often shocked at some of the things I tell him even now. Friends have been surprised too when I tell them things that I thought were just "anecdotes. It's what you're used to and if it's from childhood you think it's normal even though you swear to not repeat that behaviour with your own kids. Walking away is not possible when the person is very old and vulnerable (although all my brother's have) and it would also mean cutting all contact with my father so I'm not prepared to do it. I have mentally shielded myself though and distanced myself emotionally so in some sense I have escaped. I would say that therefore it is possible to escape but sometimes you choose to stay and use other strategies to deal with it " I found reading this very interesting as sometimes even if there is no abuse, people stay in a relationship as they know the other person will be unable to cope without them for all sorts of reasons. I know people say put yourself first and that's good advise if you can, but for some people that can be very difficult if they know that can cause huge pain and devastatoon to the other one if they were to abandon them. It's definitely a case of no cap fits all. | |||
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"I did, took me years though. You really don’t realise what’s happening for a very very long time. " I've seen it described as boiling frog syndrome. The idea that if you put a frog straight into boiling water, it would scream and try to jump out. But sit them in warm water and raise the temp slowly, they won't notice until its too late to get out. Not sure why anyone wants to boil frogs, but the metaphor was true for me. He would do something off and once I accepted it, another bad behaviour would appear and I would be persuaded to accept it, then another worse behaviour would appear, while I slowly boiled. If he had shown me the actual monster he was when we first met, I would have jumped straight out of that pot and run a mile. | |||
"The recent legislation pertaining to coercive and controlling relationships is welcome, but should be regarded as a last option. Those who are predisposed to coercion and control have a good understanding of what they do, but choose to behave dysfunctionally: the key feature is escalation of abuse from day one of the relationship: the empathic individual, the subjugated person needs to be on their guard, and where possible fighting back from day one, otherwise they eventually find themselves in a nightmare scenario where everything they do is criticised and controlled. Red flag identification should be taught in school to increase awareness and the ability to eradicate this perverse activity that destroys the lives of victims and their children." I'm not sure I agree. I've come to think that it's less about spotting other people's red flags than being secure and clear on our own boundaries. This is what I teach my children. | |||
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"I understand the psychology now, but didn't then. I can see now mine was a text book case of narcissistic BPD behaviour. The fact is that BPD people covertly tell you what they are going to bring to you, and they see that as the license to go on and wig out. You need to be aware of their methods and question them and look up their history. If there are characteristic patterns they are the signs. Unfortunately they bring fabulous sex and that is usually what blinds you to what inevitably will happen." You are talking bollocks, all you have knowledge of is one woman with BPD. While it's true the condition makes managing relationships difficult, you seem to think sufferers are all the same. They all bring fantastic sex? No, they are all individual. You were hurt by someone with BPD and I'm sorry for that. But that doesn't mean everyone with BPD will hurt people. That's like saying all people with schizophrenia are violent. They are more likely to hurt themselves than anyone else. | |||
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"It depends who the toxic relationship is with, how long it's been going on, the wider implications for you and who else will be impacted by you walking away from it. I didn't realise that my relationship with my mother was/is toxic until very recently. Mr N has said on many occasions that he would have cut all contact if it was him and is often shocked at some of the things I tell him even now. Friends have been surprised too when I tell them things that I thought were just "anecdotes. It's what you're used to and if it's from childhood you think it's normal even though you swear to not repeat that behaviour with your own kids. Walking away is not possible when the person is very old and vulnerable (although all my brother's have) and it would also mean cutting all contact with my father so I'm not prepared to do it. I have mentally shielded myself though and distanced myself emotionally so in some sense I have escaped. I would say that therefore it is possible to escape but sometimes you choose to stay and use other strategies to deal with it Sometimes it's impossible to properly escape. Sometimes people don't realise they are in a toxic relationship, even if they tick all the boxes on the 'are you in an abusive relationship' questionnaire.
Maybe because some of the "not a toxic relationship" boxes are ticked too. I know that's the case with me "  | |||
"Easier said than done. "Yes, it is that too. | |||
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"Well I have nowhere to go and I’m stuck in dead end world " Hey Mighty Mouse where's this confident Guy you mention in your profile?...believe in your self and that you can move out and move on...have you ever searched for any male refuges? Just tell your self your worth more and you can make that move even if it means staying on a mate's sofa. As for your family member not believing you over your partner well shame on them!! | |||
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"I'm a draw for broken women. I help piece them together again, mend them as best I can, help them to their feet, even polish them up a little until they feel happy to go back to the ex or on to a better man. Somehow, none seem to be able to tell me what's lacking in me. Must be my life's purpose." You need to apply the fixing you give them to yourself. Only you can know what you need to do to love yourself | |||
"Although u know it bad whilst u in it it's not till u leave realize how bad! While in it thought it was what I deserved/my fault etc., x" This is very true. I didn't even realise my relationship was emotionally abusive until months after I left. I left because he cheated on me. It wasn't an accident, he signed up to tinder and by the time I found out it had been going on for months. I nearly went back so many times but the idiot couldn't be nice to me for long enough for me to go through with it. After a few months it was like I suddenly woke up and saw it for what it was. It was bizarre. I don't know how you can be so blind to reality. When I was eventually interviewed by a police officer who was the force's domestic abuse lead after years of stalking and harassment, it felt like he knew our relationship before I even told him but it seems there's just usually a classic pattern. Sometimes you feel like a fool for falling for it all but when I think about how long it took me to undo all the damage he did to my ways of thinking, it must have been a lot of work to get me to that point in the first place. | |||
"Although u know it bad whilst u in it it's not till u leave realize how bad! While in it thought it was what I deserved/my fault etc., x This is very true. I didn't even realise my relationship was emotionally abusive until months after I left. I left because he cheated on me. It wasn't an accident, he signed up to tinder and by the time I found out it had been going on for months. I nearly went back so many times but the idiot couldn't be nice to me for long enough for me to go through with it. After a few months it was like I suddenly woke up and saw it for what it was. It was bizarre. I don't know how you can be so blind to reality. When I was eventually interviewed by a police officer who was the force's domestic abuse lead after years of stalking and harassment, it felt like he knew our relationship before I even told him but it seems there's just usually a classic pattern. Sometimes you feel like a fool for falling for it all but when I think about how long it took me to undo all the damage he did to my ways of thinking, it must have been a lot of work to get me to that point in the first place. " It is clever, sly and insidious, but never your fault. | |||
"I'm a draw for broken women. I help piece them together again, mend them as best I can, help them to their feet, even polish them up a little until they feel happy to go back to the ex or on to a better man. Somehow, none seem to be able to tell me what's lacking in me. Must be my life's purpose. You need to apply the fixing you give them to yourself. Only you can know what you need to do to love yourself ". Ah, that's very sweet. I don't even know what I do that seems to mend them. | |||
"I understand the psychology now, but didn't then. I can see now mine was a text book case of narcissistic BPD behaviour. The fact is that BPD people covertly tell you what they are going to bring to you, and they see that as the license to go on and wig out. You need to be aware of their methods and question them and look up their history. If there are characteristic patterns they are the signs. Unfortunately they bring fabulous sex and that is usually what blinds you to what inevitably will happen. You are talking bollocks, all you have knowledge of is one woman with BPD. While it's true the condition makes managing relationships difficult, you seem to think sufferers are all the same. They all bring fantastic sex? No, they are all individual. You were hurt by someone with BPD and I'm sorry for that. But that doesn't mean everyone with BPD will hurt people. That's like saying all people with schizophrenia are violent. They are more likely to hurt themselves than anyone else. " Absolutely true. I have friends with it who have perfectly happy and healthy relationships. They do have the right support however. My ex was told by a professional that he possibly had BPD. His response was to get angry, refuse to accept any possibility of it and quit all forms of support. The sex was also incredibly unsatisying for me though I'm not sure if that was done deliberately as another form of control. I was constantly promised things I wanted in bed that he insisted he enjoyed too but they never happened. Either he had lied to me in the beginning to gain my interest or he just enjoyed stringing me along. | |||
 . How did they know?! I hadn't even realised until then that he lovebombed me at the start to reel me in. | |||
"I suspect if we all compared notes there would be patterns. The first time I googled gaslighting I just sat there with my mouth open . How did they know?! I hadn't even realised until then that he lovebombed me at the start to reel me in. "I was first gaslighted at 16/17. He tried to convince me I cancelled our plans and didn't remember because he had decided he wanted to go out with his mates instead and didn't want to be the bad guy. Among other examples. He would tell me he was worried about me not remembering these conversations. He regrets his behaviour now and part of me feels he was possibly too young to fully understand the implications of what he was doing. It just shows how widespread and normalised some of this stuff is though. | |||
"I suspect if we all compared notes there would be patterns. The first time I googled gaslighting I just sat there with my mouth open . How did they know?! I hadn't even realised until then that he lovebombed me at the start to reel me in.
I was first gaslighted at 16/17. He tried to convince me I cancelled our plans and didn't remember because he had decided he wanted to go out with his mates instead and didn't want to be the bad guy. Among other examples. He would tell me he was worried about me not remembering these conversations. He regrets his behaviour now and part of me feels he was possibly too young to fully understand the implications of what he was doing. It just shows how widespread and normalised some of this stuff is though. "Whoah that's so young. Before you've even figured out who you are. Mind you a couple of my kids have twigged that their dad (my ex) has gaslighted them. I never said a thing to any of them or him about his behaviour. They're both under 15. | |||
"I suspect if we all compared notes there would be patterns. The first time I googled gaslighting I just sat there with my mouth open . How did they know?! I hadn't even realised until then that he lovebombed me at the start to reel me in.
I was first gaslighted at 16/17. He tried to convince me I cancelled our plans and didn't remember because he had decided he wanted to go out with his mates instead and didn't want to be the bad guy. Among other examples. He would tell me he was worried about me not remembering these conversations. He regrets his behaviour now and part of me feels he was possibly too young to fully understand the implications of what he was doing. It just shows how widespread and normalised some of this stuff is though.
Whoah that's so young. Before you've even figured out who you are. Mind you a couple of my kids have twigged that their dad (my ex) has gaslighted them. I never said a thing to any of them or him about his behaviour. They're both under 15. "I'm really sorry to hear that. It is good that kids are so much more clued up on these things now though. I knew it was fucked up when he admitted to me when we were about 20 that he made it all up. I didn't have a name for it though until my mid 20s nor did I know fully how harmful it can be. I don't think he knew either to be honest. I think he knew it was wrong but I don't think he realised the full implications or that it was technically abuse. Obviously the same can't be said for adults that do it to others. | |||
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"Still trying." Hey, all of us who have emerged the other side know how hard it is. Be happy to talk if you'd like to DM me. | |||
"I tried to get out for years but I had no idea how bad it was until I was out. Toxic people do a great job at convincing you that you're the problem. It took me a year to realise the full extent of it and another year of counselling to start asserting my boundaries. Reading all the other stories and hope you give yourselves credit for your strength. " "Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic that can be described in different variations of three words: “That didn’t happen,” “You imagined it,” and “Are you crazy?” Gaslighting is perhaps one of the most insidious manipulative tactics out there because it works to distort and erode your sense of reality; it eats away at your ability to trust yourself and inevitably disables you from feeling justified in calling out abuse and mistreatment " I thought to add this as a quote as they're not my words and I don't want to plagiarise. It's from a very informative article that I read a while ago. | |||
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"Each toxic relationship is different, but for me, an empathic sucker for a hard luck story and a selfless eagerness to assist, has been replaced with a distant cynicism and care when getting involved in new relationships. Being raised in a toxic and dysfunctional home, where the most appalling abuse was pervasive, did prepare me for new toxic relationships in later life. I am now more selfish, for myself. When I spot red flags, I withdraw on the spot; and literally no-one is able to contact me. My parents were selfish and abusive narcissists. It has taken years of self education to realise that. The penny dropped for me and no contact was the only option and the route I took, belatedly. Leaving toxicity behind is possible but it is very difficult, as is the commitment to avoid any repetition, EVER AGAIN!" It’s not selfish at all, I do the same, at the first sign of a red flag I stop. Prioritising your mental and emotional health is important. It doesn’t mean you won’t find love again though. | |||
"Still trying." | |||
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"I think you can escape the relationship, but you'll never get away from the effect thr relationship had on you and as such that toxic relationship will have an effect on every other relationship going fowards. "That’s very true I’m still getting triggered by some things that were reinforced in by my ex. But it does become easier over time but I don’t think I’ll every be rid of it. | |||
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 don't let someone abuse your good nature nor let their bad decisions affect your mood. Their loss not yours. | |||
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"Took me 4 years to leave my toxic marriage. Took me another couple of years to find myself again. Happiest I’ve ever been,mind you I would like to be with someone, learnt a lot about myself, good and bad,learnt from my mistakes. He remarried, the signs of toxic marriage with his new wife are clear to see. He hasn’t changed. Good luck to anyone trying to leave a toxic relationship, takes alot to do so. " Did it give you some 'peace' to know that he's doing it to someone else? ...That it wasn't your 'fault'? | |||
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Miss pc | |||
"I spent 10 years with my ex husband. At the start of the relationship everything seemed wonderful and the changes and manipulation happened so slowly I just didn't see it. By the end I was convinced I was worthless and unwanted, that the only person who would love me was him. He was emotionally, financially, physically and sexually abusive. It took a really good friend to make me see I was still important and cared for. He gave me a way out and supported me through my recovery which took a good few years before I was more like the old me. People who have never been in this situation say "why didn't you just get out" and "that would never happen to me". Believe me when I say, it isn't that easy, these people are master manipulators and know exactly how to break someone so slowly they don't know ow it's happening. Once you are so low it's easy for them to control you because you think so little of yourself. My advice to other people is never criticise anyone in these relationships, you can see it but they can't, just be there, be a friend and don't give up on them because the day will come when they need you to help them. " This is so very true. Im doing my best to be that friend right now, when really I want to take her away to live with me, or throttle the abuser controlling her | |||
" He remarried, the signs of toxic marriage with his new wife are clear to see. He hasn’t changed." A friend and I were talking about this the other week, saying that you almost want to stand on the rooftops and scream "How? How are you not seeing the signs?!" And of course the answer is obvious, they're too goddamned devious and you can't see them when you're that close to it, especially if you've never been exposed to it before. Also, for the most part, they won't ever change as they don't want/need to change. | |||
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"Yes. I couldn’t see it for so long, until a group of friends gave me a good talking to. I used to feel like I was drowning. It was the scariest thing I’ve ever done, but I have never regretted it, not for one fraction of a second." Yes, it is good that everything turned out good for you | |||
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