FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Is ghosting like a defense mechanism?
Is ghosting like a defense mechanism?
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Basically a way to least likely receive abuse for not wanting to meet/chat to someone again  ?"
I don't believe it's common for people to abuse if they're told this. I've been told and I've told others and never any abuse. I think it's weak not to front up and tell the truth. |
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By *uzie69xTV/TS
over a year ago
Maidstone |
"Basically a way to least likely receive abuse for not wanting to meet/chat to someone again ?"
Yes but then some feel entitled, so they then write passive aggressive accusive message... That's when they get blocked. |
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It is sometimes. You can never be sure that someone you don't know well will behave like a balanced adult. If you know them well and you're fairly sure they'll react sensibly to hearing difficult news there's no real excuse |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I get ghosted all the time!
Well the last 3 months
So yes I’m on a dating site and on here to chinger on the forums
I’ve met 3 guys for coffee/lunch and the next day I’ve been ghosted
 
Oh well I move them to the archive but it’s still rude I wouldn’t do that !
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Currently being ghosted and it’s shit. I did it to someone once before because I was too anxious to communicate my feelings. I’ma much better communicator now and think being open and honest is really important even when I’m really anxious about doing so. (I of course recognise that as a man, I’m less worried about getting abuse or communicating that I’m not feeling something being met other horrible behaviours)
Also, I know I deserve this ghosting as my karma so will firm it. Wouldn’t do it again and think where we can we should avoid doing it to others. |
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The only time I've ever ghosted was very definitely because I didn't want to chat anymore.
When someone is so invested in what everyone else is doing on here and is only interested in my friendship because of my forum presence it is the only option.
The daily drama is soul-destroying and the need for public validation from the same people they are privately castigating is a mystery.
After numerous vain attempts over 18 months to help, advise and offer genuine friendship I chose the ghosting option and life has been so much quieter ever since so I have no regrets.
It's not always about cowardice and can often be positive action. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It is sometimes. You can never be sure that someone you don't know well will behave like a balanced adult. If you know them well and you're fairly sure they'll react sensibly to hearing difficult news there's no real excuse "
I guess that's fair. I've been ghosted by someone who did know me well and can only assume he didn't want a difficult conversation. Perhaps I seem unbalanced to the others  |
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By *avie65Man
over a year ago
In the west. |
"It is sometimes. You can never be sure that someone you don't know well will behave like a balanced adult. If you know them well and you're fairly sure they'll react sensibly to hearing difficult news there's no real excuse
I guess that's fair. I've been ghosted by someone who did know me well and can only assume he didn't want a difficult conversation. Perhaps I seem unbalanced to the others "
You seem perfect sane and interesting to me. |
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"The only time I've ever ghosted was very definitely because I didn't want to chat anymore.
When someone is so invested in what everyone else is doing on here and is only interested in my friendship because of my forum presence it is the only option.
The daily drama is soul-destroying and the need for public validation from the same people they are privately castigating is a mystery.
After numerous vain attempts over 18 months to help, advise and offer genuine friendship I chose the ghosting option and life has been so much quieter ever since so I have no regrets.
It's not always about cowardice and can often be positive action. "
Protecting yourself from abuse is not the same as vindictive ghosting though...
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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago
Gapping Fanny |
"Basically a way to least likely receive abuse for not wanting to meet/chat to someone again ?"
In my experience it’s not a defensive mechanism, and its not always to avoid abuse.
Sometimes its easier to ignore people then to have to deal with them. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It is sometimes. You can never be sure that someone you don't know well will behave like a balanced adult. If you know them well and you're fairly sure they'll react sensibly to hearing difficult news there's no real excuse
I guess that's fair. I've been ghosted by someone who did know me well and can only assume he didn't want a difficult conversation. Perhaps I seem unbalanced to the others
You seem perfect sane and interesting to me. "
Oh I'm not so sure but thank you! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It’s wrong I would prefer them to give me the choices if I want a one night thing
For me the way I see it I am single if I like someone that way then it’s going to happen regardless if it’s a one night thing or not
So there’s no need for to lie tell me you just want a test drive
We get around to it at some point
Let me injoy my self and when you walk away I can say that was a fun night
Instead off me sitting douting my self
Was I crap in bed
Was I not beautiful anuff
Did I do something wrong
Totally waste the after math off it for me
And then wish I hadn’t done it
Now if your up front
The after math in my head gose
Oooo god that was grate
You were a right (4 letter bad word )
They absolutely used you haas yes but I used them back just as much
See how the two are completely different |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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This has been an interesting thread to read for me. I've been ghosted a few times and I consider it a weak/cowardly way to cease a connection. That said, as a man I hadn't considered the potential abuse a woman might receive, but if they were connecting with someone who was prone to such behaviour - wouldn't they run the risk of getting abuse either way? To simply say it isn't for them and face whatever comes their way just seems a nicer approach full stop. I should say, I have declined approaches by women on dating sites and have experienced abuse so I do know what that is like. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"This has been an interesting thread to read for me. I've been ghosted a few times and I consider it a weak/cowardly way to cease a connection. That said, as a man I hadn't considered the potential abuse a woman might receive, but if they were connecting with someone who was prone to such behaviour - wouldn't they run the risk of getting abuse either way? To simply say it isn't for them and face whatever comes their way just seems a nicer approach full stop. I should say, I have declined approaches by women on dating sites and have experienced abuse so I do know what that is like."
I would always tell a guy straight away on the dating scene that I wasn’t interested
It litrelly takes 2 secs to text and say sorry didn’t feel a connection between us
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"This has been an interesting thread to read for me. I've been ghosted a few times and I consider it a weak/cowardly way to cease a connection. That said, as a man I hadn't considered the potential abuse a woman might receive, but if they were connecting with someone who was prone to such behaviour - wouldn't they run the risk of getting abuse either way? To simply say it isn't for them and face whatever comes their way just seems a nicer approach full stop. I should say, I have declined approaches by women on dating sites and have experienced abuse so I do know what that is like.
I would always tell a guy straight away on the dating scene that I wasn’t interested
It litrelly takes 2 secs to text and say sorry didn’t feel a connection between us
"
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It can be. There must be a myriad of reasons. There will always be reasons for people not getting on / not wanting the same thing/ one of them being batshit crazy/ the other being a spineless twat......
Who knows ? All I know is ghosting is nothing new.
I am presently 'ghosting' a female friend. I'm not spineless but she bores me rigid and I cannot think of a good reason to not see her and I find I cannot tell her she does my swede in ......... so ...... uhmmmmmm
I'm Casper the Caring Ghoster. |
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"The only time I've ever ghosted was very definitely because I didn't want to chat anymore.
When someone is so invested in what everyone else is doing on here and is only interested in my friendship because of my forum presence it is the only option.
The daily drama is soul-destroying and the need for public validation from the same people they are privately castigating is a mystery.
After numerous vain attempts over 18 months to help, advise and offer genuine friendship I chose the ghosting option and life has been so much quieter ever since so I have no regrets.
It's not always about cowardice and can often be positive action. "
Good move |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think it’s a lot more complex than people make out.
You need to take peoples mental health into account, any traumas (people pleasing being one), which can make it really hard to be honest and upfront.
I’m at a stage now where I can be honest and just say, this isn’t working for me, but I haven’t always felt able to do that. |
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"Basically a way to least likely receive abuse for not wanting to meet/chat to someone again ?
In my experience it’s not a defensive mechanism, and its not always to avoid abuse.
Sometimes its easier to ignore people then to have to deal with them."
Or hurt them needlessly. |
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"Basically a way to least likely receive abuse for not wanting to meet/chat to someone again ?"
I think it's more people just want things nice, clean and easy for themselves. Far easier to ghost if they've lost interest or gone off someone that have to explain. It's shitty but I think people put their interests first over others. Especially when it's someone they've just met online and feel they owe little to. |
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I'd like to know more about the motivation for ghosting too. I'd much rather be told "no thank you" (or whatever message needs conveying) rather than suddenly cut contact and block. But anyway, nowt as queer as folk, as they say |
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"I'd like to know more about the motivation for ghosting too. I'd much rather be told "no thank you" (or whatever message needs conveying) rather than suddenly cut contact and block. But anyway, nowt as queer as folk, as they say "
I think mental health has an awful lot to do with it, unfortunately there is not a window into how someone is feeling and all we can do is protect ourselves when they do ghost us. Remembering it's them not us helps with closure unrest and hopefully won't let us not trust the next person we try to get close to. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I would say it can be, but it can also be many other things, like callousness, laziness etc
You can control your behaviour, but not others, that way madness lies. Better to just let it go, and put it down to incompatibility and move along x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think it’s a lot more complex than people make out.
You need to take peoples mental health into account, any traumas (people pleasing being one), which can make it really hard to be honest and upfront.
I’m at a stage now where I can be honest and just say, this isn’t working for me, but I haven’t always felt able to do that."
I think women also learn that's it's generally unwise to say 'no' to a man. Smile and try to diffuse the situation. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think it’s a lot more complex than people make out.
You need to take peoples mental health into account, any traumas (people pleasing being one), which can make it really hard to be honest and upfront.
I’m at a stage now where I can be honest and just say, this isn’t working for me, but I haven’t always felt able to do that.
I think women also learn that's it's generally unwise to say 'no' to a man. Smile and try to diffuse the situation. "
Yes, you’re absolutely right. |
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I don't understand ghosting.
Just tell them why you are breaking off communication and then block them.
You may have to put up with some forum digs, but thats what administration are for.
I have had to do this in real life, and it was painful, but essential.
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