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Dad jokes please
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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There were some absolute crackers at the end of the last thread 
This was one:
I'm developing a new fragrance for
introverts.
It's called: "Leave me the fuh cologne." |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mother only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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In an effort to bridge the cultural gap with my Spanish friends, I've been saying "muchos" a lot more recently.
It means a lot to them. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mother only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Last one for now….
They warned me not to lean over the edge of that tower in Paris.
Eiffel. |
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By *avie65Man
over a year ago
In the west. |
Knock knock
Who's there?
Nobel
Nobel who?
No bell so I just knocked. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Last one for now….
They warned me not to lean over the edge of that tower in Paris.
Eiffel."
You have the best jokes |
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By *shley79Man
over a year ago
Peterborough |
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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(Him), the dr said I should touch myself whenever I feel like. (Her), no, he said you could have a stroke at anytime! |
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By *shley79Man
over a year ago
Peterborough |
What’s the difference between an egg and a wank?
You can’t beat a wank! |
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By *wingfellowMan
over a year ago
my own little sanctuary |
Two of my all time favourites are:
If pronouncing my B’s as V’s makes me sound russian then soviet.
And
I’m in a band called 1023mb… we haven’t had any gigs yet! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know,
To get to the idiots house!
....
Knock knock.
Who's there?
The chicken!
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By *avie65Man
over a year ago
In the west. |
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two… |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My cars windscreen was completely frozen this morning and I I couldn’t find my car scraper so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice.
Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off. |
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Want to know my opinion of windmills?
Big Fan. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Last one for now….
They warned me not to lean over the edge of that tower in Paris.
Eiffel."
I laughed too hard at this one haha ! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Want to know my opinion of windmills?
Big Fan. "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Last one for now….
They warned me not to lean over the edge of that tower in Paris.
Eiffel.
I laughed too hard at this one haha ! "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Why do the Norwegians put barcodes on their battleships?
So they can Scandinavian. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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At a recent coffee social I happened upon a pen lying under the table.
I picked it up and offered it to my meet.
“Is this your pen Meli?”
She took it, tried it and quickly replied, “Yes, yes it it is!”
“How do you know?” I asked.
She replied…
“That’s my handwriting.” |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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A friend told me he's got a date with a girl who works in a factory making wheelie bins.
The only problem is that he doesn't know what day to take her out. |
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By *yron69Man
over a year ago
Fareham |
Which of the UK’s seas smells the nicest?
The English Chanel… |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A man was recently arrested after being found hiding in a wardrobe.
When the police asked him what he was doing there, he said ‘Narnia business’. |
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By *oalie66Man
over a year ago
Chesterfield |
I got thrown out of KFC last night,
I only asked for a leg and a wing. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn't actually mine.
Apparently I need to pay more attention during school pick-up. |
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By *ysyphusMan
over a year ago
Starbase K-7 |
"What’s brown and sticky?
A stick "
I think posting this should warrant a permanent forum ban! |
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Why do squirrels swim on there backs ?
So they can keep there nuts dry  |
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By *avie65Man
over a year ago
In the west. |
Why do melons have weddings?
Because they cantaloupe! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn't actually mine.
Apparently I need to pay more attention during school pick-up."
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?"
The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid.' |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?"
The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid.'"
Love it |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you do with a year’s worth of used condoms?
Melt them into a tyre and call it a goodyear. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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A pun walks into a room and kills ten
people.
Pun in, ten dead. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A pun walks into a room and kills ten
people.
Pun in, ten dead."
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By *hloetTV/TS
over a year ago
Nottingham |
"What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two…"
Made me lol! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Last one for now….
They warned me not to lean over the edge of that tower in Paris.
Eiffel."
Took me a while to get that Eiffel is not pronounced as it should for the joke to work... It's Hey-fell not I-fell. But it's funny though |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Last one for now….
They warned me not to lean over the edge of that tower in Paris.
Eiffel.
Took me a while to get that Eiffel is not pronounced as it should for the joke to work... It's Hey-fell not I-fell. But it's funny though"
You must be a right laugh |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A kangoroo, a squid and a beaver walk into a bar.
Barman: "Surely, it must be a joke." |
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By *avie65Man
over a year ago
In the west. |
What's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth-hurty. |
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By *C79Man
over a year ago
Caterham |
Do you know why an octopus makes you laugh?
Because it has ten tickles  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you call an IT teacher who fancies his student?
A PDF file |
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By *rispyDuckMan
over a year ago
Chinese Takeaway near you |
Mrs said "Lets spice up our sex life with some role-playing. You be a doctor and I'll be your patient". So I've given her a phone appointment next Thursday at 11am lol |
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By *itty9899Man
over a year ago
Craggy Island |
I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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A bossy man goes into a bar.
He orders everyone a round. |
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Man knocking on my door with beard, no wonder I didn’t hear him!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I had a tablet this morning one half was viagra and the other half was valium
so if I don't get a fuck I don't give a fuck. |
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What do you call a person with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I had a tablet this morning one half was viagra and the other half was valium
so if I don't get a fuck I don't give a fuck. "
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Viagra eye drops - make you look hard! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Viagra eye drops - make you look hard!"
Ha! Not bad I like that one |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Viagra eye drops - make you look hard! Ha! Not bad I like that one "
My grandfather is addicted to viagra, no one is taking it harder then my grandmother. |
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My girlfriend left me because I'm insecure.
Oh wait, she's back. I guess she just went to the grocery store. |
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By *avie65Man
over a year ago
In the west. |
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow?
An animal that’s in a baaaaaaaaad moooooooood. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I got them new! Olympic condoms the other day, I was all excited so put them onto to bedside table bronze silver and gold.
I then called her up to the bedroom and said look what I've got ,
She asked me which one I'm using.. well me been me I said gold
Her response was use silver and come second for a change |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Make sure you don't use the Roman Clothing Company to buy shirts. I tried to order an extra large shirt and they ended up sending me 40. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I told the doctor that I had a weird obsession with the soundtrack from Grease.
He replied 'Tell me more'. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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And to the Fabber who gave me the dictionary definition of many, thank you. It means a lot. |
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"What's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth-hurty."
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"What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow?
An animal that’s in a baaaaaaaaad moooooooood."
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"Mrs said "Lets spice up our sex life with some role-playing. You be a doctor and I'll be your patient". So I've given her a phone appointment next Thursday at 11am lol "
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These me smile this morning...well needed. Nice one guys |
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"Do you know why an octopus makes you laugh?
Because it has ten tickles "
I thought it had eight ? |
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"Do you know why an octopus makes you laugh?
Because it has ten tickles
I thought it had eight ?"
8 tentacles, Sally |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Two fish in a tank.
One says to his mate
"you drive" "I'll man the guns" |
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A Roman walks into a bar and says “I’d like to buy a Martinus please”
The barman says “do you mean Martini?”
The Roman replied “if I wanted a double, I would have asked for one. “ |
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Sunday is always sad but the day before is always a sadder day |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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An oldie -
What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
You wouldn't pay £100 to have a lentil on your face. |
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By *yron69Man
over a year ago
Fareham |
I thought I’d bought a load of beef sirloin but it turned out to be rump. It was a bum deal.. |
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Went to my doctors this morning and told him I had Tom Jones syndrome. ...he said it's not unusual |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Doctor it hurts everywhere I touch myself.
You have broken your finger lad  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If I have 7 apples in one hand and 7 apples in the other what do I have????
Nope fucking big hands |
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By *yron69Man
over a year ago
Fareham |
I said doctor I feel bad every time I eat tripe and onions. He said how bad? I said really offal.. |
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Man goes to doctors with a frog growing out of his head,doctor says when how did this start? Frog replies as a wart on my arse! |
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By *yron69Man
over a year ago
Fareham |
Despite being freezing yesterday I went for a streak. I completed a 4 inch mile. |
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By *avie65Man
over a year ago
In the west. |
What’s brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You can tell an ant's gender by putting it in water. If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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[Removed by poster at 01/02/22 09:31:03] |
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By *ldguyMan
over a year ago
ongar |
Why did the Hedgehog cross the road?
So he could see his Flat mate. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Accidentally filled the escort up with diesel.
She died |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Saw an advert for a documentary about the clitoris on the red button.
But I couldn’t find it |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My girlfriend believes ridicule is nothing to be scared of. I disagree but she's adamant.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Was on Safari to Africa last year.
Went out one morning & killed a crocodile in my pyjamas.
How the hell it got in my pyjamas I'll never know. |
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Knock knock,
Who's there?
Ivan,
Ivan who?
Ivan 'Ardon, if you happen to be feeling horny too. |
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By *ldguyMan
over a year ago
ongar |
When panic buying started at the outbreak of Covid I went into my local supermarket and someone had bought all the prawns and Scampi. I thought you shellfish Bastard. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Was on Safari to Africa last year.
Went out one morning & killed a crocodile in my pyjamas.
How the hell it got in my pyjamas I'll never know."
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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These are brilliant! Keep them coming |
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By *yron69Man
over a year ago
Fareham |
Why did the triffid cross the road?
Because it was a heavy plant crossing.. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I told the waitress my steak was bad."
She picked it up, slapped it, put it down and said: "if it gives you more trouble let me know!" |
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"When panic buying started at the outbreak of Covid I went into my local supermarket and someone had bought all the prawns and Scampi. I thought you shellfish Bastard."
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"Why did the Hedgehog cross the road?
So he could see his Flat mate. "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I told the waitress my steak was bad."
She picked it up, slapped it, put it down and said: "if it gives you more trouble let me know!""
Salt bae charges a fortune for this service. |
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By *ldguyMan
over a year ago
ongar |
Someone told me you can keep chicken in a freezer for up to 3 months.
Wrong put 1 in last night, found it dead this morning.  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Someone told me you can keep chicken in a freezer for up to 3 months.
Wrong put 1 in last night, found it dead this morning. "
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By *ldguyMan
over a year ago
ongar |
Did you hear about the Prawn that went to the Disco........pulled a Mussel  |
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By *ldguyMan
over a year ago
ongar |
Definition of an Expert Farmer.
A man outstanding in his field |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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What's the difference between a well
dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly
dressed man on a unicycle?
Attire. |
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By *ldguyMan
over a year ago
ongar |
"What's the difference between a well
dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly
dressed man on a unicycle?
Attire."
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"Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mother only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal."
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Passengers on a plane are waiting for the flight to take of the entrance opens and two men walk up the aisle dressed in pilot uniforms both wearing dark glasses both with white sticks taping there way to the cockpit..nervous laughter spreads through the cabin as the plane starts up..the plane moves faster and faster down the runway and people by the windows realise they are heading straight for the water at the end of the runway everyone starts screaming at that moment the plane lifts up and is smoothly in the air passengers relax knowing the plane is in safe hands ..then one pilot says you know bob one of these days they are going to scream to late and we all going to die .. |
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By *ldguyMan
over a year ago
ongar |
I was told the reason Farts smell was for the benefit of the Deaf  |
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I got into a fight yesterday with three guys, I managed to knock one out.
Probably not the best time to have a wank |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I got into a fight yesterday with three guys, I managed to knock one out.
Probably not the best time to have a wank"
love this one |
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By *avie65Man
over a year ago
In the west. |
Why shouldn’t you make fun of a paleontologist?
Because you will get Jurasskicked |
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What do gay horses eat?
Haaaay
What do gay cows do?
Suck each udder off |
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By *yron69Man
over a year ago
Fareham |
My laptop kept displaying pictures of people’s bums. It was a bot. |
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By *yron69Man
over a year ago
Fareham |
Archaeologists found the perfectly preserved tomb of a wide boy in a fur coat, flat cap, cheap jewellery and suede shoes.
It was the legendary Great Pyramid of Geezer.. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Archaeologists in Egypt have unearthed a tomb containing a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts.
They are believed to be the remains of the long lost Pharaoh Rocher. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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One saggy tit says to the other saggy tit, if we don’t get the proper support people are going to think we’re nuts |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What bees make the best milk?
BooBees |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? "I want you inside me. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What did Cinderella do when she made it to the ball?
Gagged. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What does a pigs tail and three o clock in the morning have in common.
Twirly |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Whats the difference between a car tyre and 365 condoms
One is a Goodyear and the other is a fucking good years |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I went on a barging holiday last year. I didn't have a boat just pushed people into the canal |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Daddy, do you know why it’s so dark at night?
No sun
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I once went on a blind date with a vegan
I never met herbivore. |
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Mummy Mummy whats a nymphomaniac?
Shut up and help me get Grandma off the door knob... |
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By *mily36CWoman
over a year ago
Bedford (or anywhere beginning with B..!?) |
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, rub it.
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The young couple next door to me have just made a sex tape ...
I mean they don't know that yet .... |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"The young couple next door to me have just made a sex tape ...
I mean they don't know that yet ...."
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I was horrified when my wife told me
that my six-year-old son wasn't actually
mine.
Apparently I need to pay more
attention during school pick-up. |
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Talking to two Christians the other day and they were saying sex between two men was wrong in their eyes .....
I said I know it's supposed to be up their bum |
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What do you call a pit full of donkeys?
An asshole
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By *avie65Man
over a year ago
In the west. |
What do you call it when Batman skips church?
Christian Bale. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I had to go to the doctor's today as I had a lettuce leaf up my bum the doctor was really worried and said it was just the tip of the iceberg |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What's blue a kills granny's....... hyperthermia |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What's blue a kills granny's....... hyperthermia"
Or grandads with Viagra |
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Why are snails bad at racing?
They’re sluggish |
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Okay one more…. Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Of course! Buildings can’t jump |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What's blue a kills granny's....... hyperthermia
Or grandads with Viagra"
Don't joke about that when my grandad started taking Viagra my nan took it hard |
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Did you hear about the two maggots making love in dead Earnest? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My wife told me that sex is better on holiday.
I wasn't expecting that on her postcard from Greece |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"My wife told me that sex is better on holiday.
I wasn't expecting that on her postcard from Greece "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Viagra eye drops - make you look hard! Ha! Not bad I like that one
My grandfather is addicted to viagra, no one is taking it harder then my grandmother."
I haven't laughed this hard in ages...Thank you  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I went on a barging holiday last year. I didn't have a boat just pushed people into the canal"
Brilliant |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Talking to two Christians the other day and they were saying sex between two men was wrong in their eyes .....
I said I know it's supposed to be up their bum "
I love this one |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom?
A tuba toothpaste! |
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"There were some absolute crackers at the end of the last thread
This was one:
I'm developing a new fragrance for
introverts.
It's called: "Leave me the fuh cologne.""
Your little jokes crack me up on a daily basis |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Sad news. I broke up with my girlfriend Lorraine because I was seeing another girl called Clare Lee. But the good news is I can see Clare Lee now Lorraine has gone. |
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"Talking to two Christians the other day and they were saying sex between two men was wrong in their eyes .....
I said I know it's supposed to be up their bum
I love this one "
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Why did the Apple turn over?
Because it saw the sausage roll. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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l asked my wife if I am the only one she
has ever been with.
She said yes, all the others were nines
and tens. |
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"l asked my wife if I am the only one she
has ever been with.
She said yes, all the others were nines
and tens."
Haha |
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What do you call a blind deer?
No idea
What do you call a blind deer with no legs?
Still no idea
What do you call a deer with no head or legs?
Matt |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What do you call a blind deer?
No idea
What do you call a blind deer with no legs?
Still no idea
What do you call a deer with no head or legs?
Matt"
Allllrightttyyy…
What do you call a man with paper trousers?
Russell
What do you call a man with a rabbit up his arse?
Warren
What do you call a man with no shins?
Tony
What do you call a with a rubber toe?
Roberto |
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My Doctor told me they've found a cure for my dyslexia!
This is music to my arse.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you call a blind German?? A Not See.... |
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By *ucky123Man
over a year ago
Hollywood |
What’s green and smells? Kermits bum
What’s green and smells of pork? Kermits finger |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?
Attire. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I just asked my girlfriend to marry me and she has just said the man she marries must have a large bank account, a Rolls Royce and a twelve inch cock.
Bloody cow knows fine well I can't drive. |
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'bloke walks into a drum kit...
.
.
.
Fludladumph boomp tish |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Man hit by flying power tool
He said that "everything was fine, then Bosch!" |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
Pun Gent: a guy who tells rotten jokes. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I used to be a triangle player in a reggae band,
I just used to stand at the back and "ting"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If a man speaks in the forest and his wife is not there to hear him....
Is he stil wrong? |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
My mum once said, that when she asked me to fetch Daddies Sauce, I ran into the shed instead (of the kitchen) and came back with two hacksaws and a bow saw.
Should've gone to Specsavers. |
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Thieves nicked all the airbeds from go outdoors.
Cops think thieves will Lilo for a while
I was going to read a book about split personalaties but was in 2 minds about it.
So then looked at book about mirrors but on reflection changed mind.
Finally settled on book about Dracula at last I found I could get my teeth into |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Just been to a camouflage swingers party. We all chucked our khakis into a bowl. |
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By *avie65Man
over a year ago
In the west. |
"If a man speaks in the forest and his wife is not there to hear him....
Is he stil wrong?"
It would be dangerous to answer that either way. |
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Having sex in an elevator is wrong, on so many levels.
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
"Having sex in an elevator is wrong, on so many levels.
"
"This thing is so bizzare" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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We wanted to donate our dad's body to science...
He said "Can you not wait till I'm dead first?" |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
The longest word in the world is SmileS, as the two s's have a mile between them. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Thank god for atheism."
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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My girlfriend wants me to choose
between her and my career as a
reporter.
I have some breaking news for her. |
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By *mily36CWoman
over a year ago
Bedford (or anywhere beginning with B..!?) |
When two people have sex, its a twosome.
When three people have sex, its a threesome.
So now I'm not so sure whether calling a man handsome is a compliment or not.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Thank god for atheism."
God doesn't believe in atheists. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I entered a marathon in the 90s and got a peanut stick under my foreskin |
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By *mily36CWoman
over a year ago
Bedford (or anywhere beginning with B..!?) |
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I had a hen who could count her own
eggs.
She's a mathmachicken. |
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By *yron69Man
over a year ago
Fareham |
The Virgin Mary went into a beauty salon. She emerged with an immaculate complexion. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Immaculate complexion. ^ |
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