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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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The valentines thread got me thinking.
Is it better to get a present, one that’s had no thought in it (like my ex who used to buy me my least favourite flowers, despite knowing I didn’t like those, and that I don’t like cut flowers either), or to get nothing at all.
I’m not, and wasn’t ungrateful, but what’s better in your opinion? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My dad always used to tell me not to get him anything, so to flip this question around, if gifting is your "love language" isn't it harsh to deny someone the pleasure of showing their love with a gift? |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
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Ach. Part of me thinks that even if people get it wrong, they can take a lot of joy from the act of gifting. Sometimes, if it's a passive aggressive present, it would be better to have nothing. Presents shouldn't be given out of a sense of obligation, more because it brings both parties happiness (ideally). So if it wouldn't, I'd tend to err on doing nothing. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"My dad always used to tell me not to get him anything, so to flip this question around, if gifting is your "love language" isn't it harsh to deny someone the pleasure of showing their love with a gift?"
Gifting isn’t my love language, but yes, you have a point. I was never ungrateful though. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I don't like thoughtless gifts, and I bloody hate red roses. I'd much prefer he'd cook my favourite meal or get some nice food in and spend time together. "
This for me too |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Suggesting it's a gift with no thought does sound a wee bit ungrateful.
Depending on the context, I'd probably be gracious in my acceptance "
But, it was a gift with no thought?
I was still gracious in my acceptance though  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"We don’t do gifts, we do memories. So we usually go for a nice meal and book a hotel or a spa. We haven’t arranged anything this year though  "
Oh I love this 
Still time ….. |
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It's never about the gift for me, always about the thought. Gifting isn't my love language, but I've had partners where that was the way they expressed their love. It was normally with small but very thoughtful things.
I used to get really annoyed with my mum for wasting her money on gifts for me that I was never going to appreciate, things that I actively disliked that she would buy me that I used to take as an insult (I know you hate this but I value your opinion so little I'm going to buy it anyway).
I realise now the gifts aren't about me, they're about her. At Christmas I unwrap them and thank her, then they get bundled into a carrier bag and dropped off at a charity shop when they open after the holidays.
Buying the gifts is the important thing for my mum, not whether I like them. It's all quite performative and isn't anything to do with me personally.
I still find it horribly wasteful but no longer feel it an insult. |
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I have been ungrateful in the past, for example my ex bought flowers from a florist, which he never did. As an apology instead of talking things through or give a proper apology. They ended in the bin. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"It's never about the gift for me, always about the thought. Gifting isn't my love language, but I've had partners where that was the way they expressed their love. It was normally with small but very thoughtful things.
I used to get really annoyed with my mum for wasting her money on gifts for me that I was never going to appreciate, things that I actively disliked that she would buy me that I used to take as an insult (I know you hate this but I value your opinion so little I'm going to buy it anyway).
I realise now the gifts aren't about me, they're about her. At Christmas I unwrap them and thank her, then they get bundled into a carrier bag and dropped off at a charity shop when they open after the holidays.
Buying the gifts is the important thing for my mum, not whether I like them. It's all quite performative and isn't anything to do with me personally.
I still find it horribly wasteful but no longer feel it an insult."
This is a very insightful post, so thank you.
He was also a knob head (my ex) and emotionally abusive, so it was probably wrapped up in that too.
Anyone else, I would be the same as you |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I have been ungrateful in the past, for example my ex bought flowers from a florist, which he never did. As an apology instead of talking things through or give a proper apology. They ended in the bin. "
I hear that |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"We don’t do gifts, we do memories. So we usually go for a nice meal and book a hotel or a spa. We haven’t arranged anything this year though
Oh I love this
Still time ….."
We’ve got a lot on from now until the summer so it’ll probably just be a quiet night in with some nice food and a couple of drinks. I’ll try and make it special though  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"We don’t do gifts, we do memories. So we usually go for a nice meal and book a hotel or a spa. We haven’t arranged anything this year though
Oh I love this
Still time …..
We’ve got a lot on from now until the summer so it’ll probably just be a quiet night in with some nice food and a couple of drinks. I’ll try and make it special though "
that’s all that is needed, the thought I think |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"My dad always used to tell me not to get him anything, so to flip this question around, if gifting is your "love language" isn't it harsh to deny someone the pleasure of showing their love with a gift?
Gifting isn’t my love language, but yes, you have a point. I was never ungrateful though. "
Sorry, I wasn't meaning to come across as critical of your OP, gifting with no heed to the person you are buying for is a statement in itself, isnt it! You are saying that if you Are going to give a gift, at least put some thought into it! xx |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"My dad always used to tell me not to get him anything, so to flip this question around, if gifting is your "love language" isn't it harsh to deny someone the pleasure of showing their love with a gift?
Gifting isn’t my love language, but yes, you have a point. I was never ungrateful though.
Sorry, I wasn't meaning to come across as critical of your OP, gifting with no heed to the person you are buying for is a statement in itself, isnt it! You are saying that if you Are going to give a gift, at least put some thought into it! xx"
I didn’t take it as a criticism . Yes, exactly that |
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By *wingfellowMan
over a year ago
my own little sanctuary |
"The valentines thread got me thinking.
Is it better to get a present, one that’s had no thought in it (like my ex who used to buy me my least favourite flowers, despite knowing I didn’t like those, and that I don’t like cut flowers either), or to get nothing at all.
I’m not, and wasn’t ungrateful, but what’s better in your opinion? "
I think it’s best to get bugger all if it’s had no thought put into it. I would always opt for a ‘gift’… to many it’s one and the same but I see a present as a physical thing, whereas a gift is something that needn’t be physical it can be tune itself and gifts are always filled with love.
That’s my dodgy way of looking at things anyway lol. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"The valentines thread got me thinking.
Is it better to get a present, one that’s had no thought in it (like my ex who used to buy me my least favourite flowers, despite knowing I didn’t like those, and that I don’t like cut flowers either), or to get nothing at all.
I’m not, and wasn’t ungrateful, but what’s better in your opinion?
I think it’s best to get bugger all if it’s had no thought put into it. I would always opt for a ‘gift’… to many it’s one and the same but I see a present as a physical thing, whereas a gift is something that needn’t be physical it can be tune itself and gifts are always filled with love.
That’s my dodgy way of looking at things anyway lol."
Love this! I know what you mean, like when someone hears a song and it makes them think of you, so they send it to you? |
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By *ost SockMan
over a year ago
West Wales and Cardiff |
"We don’t do gifts, we do memories. So we usually go for a nice meal and book a hotel or a spa. We haven’t arranged anything this year though "
I find present buying stupidly stressful, and so do people I buy them for!
This is a really nice approach - I’ve focused much more on this in recent years, and it’s been great. Sadly the pandemic has affected it! |
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No gift = no thought at all, you don't even register on their radar.
Gift with no thought as to what you'd like to receive = insulting and indicates that they're not bothered what you think or they resent you.
Gift with consideration even if wildly off the mark = someone who cares.
That's how I see things. The first two would upset me |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"No gift = no thought at all, you don't even register on their radar.
Gift with no thought as to what you'd like to receive = insulting and indicates that they're not bothered what you think or they resent you.
Gift with consideration even if wildly off the mark = someone who cares.
That's how I see things. The first two would upset me "
This pretty much sums it up for me I think. |
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By *wingfellowMan
over a year ago
my own little sanctuary |
"The valentines thread got me thinking.
Is it better to get a present, one that’s had no thought in it (like my ex who used to buy me my least favourite flowers, despite knowing I didn’t like those, and that I don’t like cut flowers either), or to get nothing at all.
I’m not, and wasn’t ungrateful, but what’s better in your opinion?
I think it’s best to get bugger all if it’s had no thought put into it. I would always opt for a ‘gift’… to many it’s one and the same but I see a present as a physical thing, whereas a gift is something that needn’t be physical it can be tune itself and gifts are always filled with love.
That’s my dodgy way of looking at things anyway lol.
Love this! I know what you mean, like when someone hears a song and it makes them think of you, so they send it to you? "
Exactly, if the lyrics resonate with you then you know they’ve taken the time to understand you in that way. Most encounters never scratch the surface of our personality and emotion. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"My dad always used to tell me not to get him anything, so to flip this question around, if gifting is your "love language" isn't it harsh to deny someone the pleasure of showing their love with a gift?"
My daughter said that to me.
I’m very generous be she showed me that I was denying others the opportunity to be so. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"My dad always used to tell me not to get him anything, so to flip this question around, if gifting is your "love language" isn't it harsh to deny someone the pleasure of showing their love with a gift?
My daughter said that to me.
I’m very generous be she showed me that I was denying others the opportunity to be so. "
That’s a whole other thread, the ability to receive |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"No gift = no thought at all, you don't even register on their radar.
Gift with no thought as to what you'd like to receive = insulting and indicates that they're not bothered what you think or they resent you.
Gift with consideration even if wildly off the mark = someone who cares.
That's how I see things. The first two would upset me "
Agree. Nothing more disheartening than the words what do you want for your birthday/Christmas/anniversary/valentine's/father's day/ Easter, I don't know what to get you?
Its lazy and shows throughout the year you've paid no attention to your partner. I had a girlfriend who didn't have any money but always was inventive with presents, never expensive just considered. I learned a lot from her. Unfortunately the ex who benefited was the one who did the above. |
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"No gift = no thought at all, you don't even register on their radar.
Gift with no thought as to what you'd like to receive = insulting and indicates that they're not bothered what you think or they resent you.
Gift with consideration even if wildly off the mark = someone who cares.
That's how I see things. The first two would upset me
Agree. Nothing more disheartening than the words what do you want for your birthday/Christmas/anniversary/valentine's/father's day/ Easter, I don't know what to get you?
Its lazy and shows throughout the year you've paid no attention to your partner. I had a girlfriend who didn't have any money but always was inventive with presents, never expensive just considered. I learned a lot from her. Unfortunately the ex who benefited was the one who did the above. "
I don't mind being asked, we've been together so long that we've bought each other pretty much every gift possible. We're at the stage now where we try to go a bit off piste, on Christmas Eve we were laughing and saying we were going to be unwrapping gifts in the morning looking at each other and saying "what in god's name were you thinking!?"  . |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"No gift = no thought at all, you don't even register on their radar.
Gift with no thought as to what you'd like to receive = insulting and indicates that they're not bothered what you think or they resent you.
Gift with consideration even if wildly off the mark = someone who cares.
That's how I see things. The first two would upset me
Agree. Nothing more disheartening than the words what do you want for your birthday/Christmas/anniversary/valentine's/father's day/ Easter, I don't know what to get you?
Its lazy and shows throughout the year you've paid no attention to your partner. I had a girlfriend who didn't have any money but always was inventive with presents, never expensive just considered. I learned a lot from her. Unfortunately the ex who benefited was the one who did the above.
I don't mind being asked, we've been together so long that we've bought each other pretty much every gift possible. We're at the stage now where we try to go a bit off piste, on Christmas Eve we were laughing and saying we were going to be unwrapping gifts in the morning looking at each other and saying "what in god's name were you thinking!?" . "
I think that's lovely to get to that stage. My friend and his wife have the serious present (request or hint) and the practical joke one. They're always well thought out and very funny. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The valentines thread got me thinking.
Is it better to get a present, one that’s had no thought in it (like my ex who used to buy me my least favourite flowers, despite knowing I didn’t like those, and that I don’t like cut flowers either), or to get nothing at all.
I’m not, and wasn’t ungrateful, but what’s better in your opinion? "
That's not a gift, it's a way of fucking with your head and saying your feelings are worthless and irrelevant. A virtual slap.
Glad he's your ex. |
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"No gift = no thought at all, you don't even register on their radar.
Gift with no thought as to what you'd like to receive = insulting and indicates that they're not bothered what you think or they resent you.
Gift with consideration even if wildly off the mark = someone who cares.
That's how I see things. The first two would upset me
Agree. Nothing more disheartening than the words what do you want for your birthday/Christmas/anniversary/valentine's/father's day/ Easter, I don't know what to get you?
Its lazy and shows throughout the year you've paid no attention to your partner. I had a girlfriend who didn't have any money but always was inventive with presents, never expensive just considered. I learned a lot from her. Unfortunately the ex who benefited was the one who did the above.
I don't mind being asked, we've been together so long that we've bought each other pretty much every gift possible. We're at the stage now where we try to go a bit off piste, on Christmas Eve we were laughing and saying we were going to be unwrapping gifts in the morning looking at each other and saying "what in god's name were you thinking!?" .
I think that's lovely to get to that stage. My friend and his wife have the serious present (request or hint) and the practical joke one. They're always well thought out and very funny. "
We each had something this year that the other had to explain what it was |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"The valentines thread got me thinking.
Is it better to get a present, one that’s had no thought in it (like my ex who used to buy me my least favourite flowers, despite knowing I didn’t like those, and that I don’t like cut flowers either), or to get nothing at all.
I’m not, and wasn’t ungrateful, but what’s better in your opinion?
That's not a gift, it's a way of fucking with your head and saying your feelings are worthless and irrelevant. A virtual slap.
Glad he's your ex. "
Thank you
Me too, as glad as the gladdest thing ever! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"No gift = no thought at all, you don't even register on their radar.
Gift with no thought as to what you'd like to receive = insulting and indicates that they're not bothered what you think or they resent you.
Gift with consideration even if wildly off the mark = someone who cares.
That's how I see things. The first two would upset me
Agree. Nothing more disheartening than the words what do you want for your birthday/Christmas/anniversary/valentine's/father's day/ Easter, I don't know what to get you?
Its lazy and shows throughout the year you've paid no attention to your partner. I had a girlfriend who didn't have any money but always was inventive with presents, never expensive just considered. I learned a lot from her. Unfortunately the ex who benefited was the one who did the above.
I don't mind being asked, we've been together so long that we've bought each other pretty much every gift possible. We're at the stage now where we try to go a bit off piste, on Christmas Eve we were laughing and saying we were going to be unwrapping gifts in the morning looking at each other and saying "what in god's name were you thinking!?" .
I think that's lovely to get to that stage. My friend and his wife have the serious present (request or hint) and the practical joke one. They're always well thought out and very funny.
We each had something this year that the other had to explain what it was "
I love that |
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"The valentines thread got me thinking.
Is it better to get a present, one that’s had no thought in it (like my ex who used to buy me my least favourite flowers, despite knowing I didn’t like those, and that I don’t like cut flowers either), or to get nothing at all.
I’m not, and wasn’t ungrateful, but what’s better in your opinion?
That's not a gift, it's a way of fucking with your head and saying your feelings are worthless and irrelevant. A virtual slap.
Glad he's your ex.
Thank you
Me too, as glad as the gladdest thing ever!"
You finally got a gift worth having from him...his absence  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The valentines thread got me thinking.
Is it better to get a present, one that’s had no thought in it (like my ex who used to buy me my least favourite flowers, despite knowing I didn’t like those, and that I don’t like cut flowers either), or to get nothing at all.
I’m not, and wasn’t ungrateful, but what’s better in your opinion?
That's not a gift, it's a way of fucking with your head and saying your feelings are worthless and irrelevant. A virtual slap.
Glad he's your ex. "
I was just about to put this too, really glad he's your ex OP, mind games are evil xxx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It’s not the actual getting a gift it’s thought process that goes in to it !
Might be just card !
And romantic meal at home !
Makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Gifts are meant to represent someone thinking of you I reckon.
I used to get my friend a bottle of Dooleys for each Christmas as a jokey tradition.
She said one year, 'ynkow I don't like Dooleys don't you?' She always gave it to her husband. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think a gift shows appreciation no matter what it is.
I dont expect, but do appreciate when thought that goes into something. Im not one for big costly extravagance, id much sooner go for meaningful & thoughtful even with a card im not the nip to tesco and grab type, however i do appreciate some people are that type and thats ok... because the appreciation is there. And ultimately thats all that matters   |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"The valentines thread got me thinking.
Is it better to get a present, one that’s had no thought in it (like my ex who used to buy me my least favourite flowers, despite knowing I didn’t like those, and that I don’t like cut flowers either), or to get nothing at all.
I’m not, and wasn’t ungrateful, but what’s better in your opinion?
That's not a gift, it's a way of fucking with your head and saying your feelings are worthless and irrelevant. A virtual slap.
Glad he's your ex.
I was just about to put this too, really glad he's your ex OP, mind games are evil xxx"
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"The valentines thread got me thinking.
Is it better to get a present, one that’s had no thought in it (like my ex who used to buy me my least favourite flowers, despite knowing I didn’t like those, and that I don’t like cut flowers either), or to get nothing at all.
I’m not, and wasn’t ungrateful, but what’s better in your opinion?
That's not a gift, it's a way of fucking with your head and saying your feelings are worthless and irrelevant. A virtual slap.
Glad he's your ex.
Thank you
Me too, as glad as the gladdest thing ever!
You finally got a gift worth having from him...his absence "
Haha! Hell yes! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"[Removed by poster at 29/01/22 11:56:09]
Some present there 
I wrote something then realised I didn’t answer your question! I’ve thought about it and in all honesty, valentines really doesn’t matter to me. My partner and I never do anything for it other than buy each other a card write a nice message in it. I don’t think we’ve ever bought presents. But for those that celebrate I think it seems like they want something that shows someone cares- time or a gift.
Not necessarily for Valentines, just a general thing "
Oh sorry. I don’t really care beyond an acknowledgment of the fact that it’s a special occasion and gracing me with her presence. |
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As someone who puts a lot of thought into buying gifts, I do feel a bit upset if somebody that should know me well doesn't put at least a bit of thought into it. And it's nothing to do with the value...I'd rather have a bar of chocolate that I love than VIP tickets to see a show that I don't like. I guess it's a feeling of disappointment that somebody I care for doesn't really pay that much attention to me. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"As someone who puts a lot of thought into buying gifts, I do feel a bit upset if somebody that should know me well doesn't put at least a bit of thought into it. And it's nothing to do with the value...I'd rather have a bar of chocolate that I love than VIP tickets to see a show that I don't like. I guess it's a feeling of disappointment that somebody I care for doesn't really pay that much attention to me. "
This is exactly it. It doesn’t matter the cost, it’s the consideration. |
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