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Validation from others
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I was doing some self reflection and yes, we should all have self love and love ourselves. Always! And I am learning (yes, still learning)
But I do wonder, are there people who are built and born to NEED the love from others? Particularly men, in my case (or women If into women)
I’ve been told many times that I am the kind of girl who loves to be loved and feel loved (But I mean….who doesn’t like that?!)
But I wonder when it’s like healthy or just a fucked up form of validation . Seeking love from others… I mean
I did wonder as , even if I am trying to live my life as a single lady, I have always been chasing that, even if it was toxic or when I should have just said no.
Thoughts? Is this a case of, The leopard doesn’t change its spots?
And can anyone else relate to what I’m saying?!
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I'm no psychologist or expert, far from it but I do have my set of beliefs when it comes to this.
I think it's lack of "healthy" love and nurture, which can lead to accepting "love" even in its most toxic form later in life.
How can it be halted? I truly don't know as I reckon it's embedded, but taking time out and learning to love oneself is the first and most important step. Learning boundaries and whatnot. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think the Internet has created a huge need for constant validation. One that is impossible to satisfy irl. Only online can you get constant likes and comments.
Some people need validation more than others for sure but we all need some. I'm not convinced the the constancy and immediacy of social media validation is at all healthy tho. |
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"It is nice to be loved, feel loved and to love but I don't NEED it. I think caring about someone means more."
Same really.
I know I'm loved by my family, obviously in that familial way.
I'm single and not missing or pining to be loved by a woman, or missing it all that much.
But also, depends in what you have experienced and gone thru in life.
Relatiknships, heartache and things that have happened to us will shape how we feel and how we want to be.
If I find love, cool.
If not, cool, I'm still going |
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"I think the Internet has created a huge need for constant validation. One that is impossible to satisfy irl. Only online can you get constant likes and comments.
Some people need validation more than others for sure but we all need some. I'm not convinced the the constancy and immediacy of social media validation is at all healthy tho. "
Absolutely agree. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"It is nice to be loved, feel loved and to love but I don't NEED it. I think caring about someone means more."
Thats what I mean, I struggle to compute when people say they don’t NEED it and doing some self reflection, I’ve always been seeking it. Maybe even Unconsciously…
Time to call the therapist once again  |
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It depends. We're hard wired to love and be loved, at its most basic it's what ensures we care for babies. I think your experiences can make you crave love from other people but I do think some people are just built that way.
Quite often the people who push you away are the ones who want to be loved the most. |
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"It is nice to be loved, feel loved and to love but I don't NEED it. I think caring about someone means more.
Thats what I mean, I struggle to compute when people say they don’t NEED it and doing some self reflection, I’ve always been seeking it. Maybe even Unconsciously…
Time to call the therapist once again "
Why would you need therapy because you want to be loved?  |
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"It is nice to be loved, feel loved and to love but I don't NEED it. I think caring about someone means more.
Thats what I mean, I struggle to compute when people say they don’t NEED it and doing some self reflection, I’ve always been seeking it. Maybe even Unconsciously…
Time to call the therapist once again "
I think the therapist is needed more when like me, you don't want it because you don't trust it. |
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"I was doing some self reflection and yes, we should all have self love and love ourselves. Always! And I am learning (yes, still learning)
But I do wonder, are there people who are built and born to NEED the love from others? Particularly men, in my case (or women If into women)
I’ve been told many times that I am the kind of girl who loves to be loved and feel loved (But I mean….who doesn’t like that?!)
But I wonder when it’s like healthy or just a fucked up form of validation . Seeking love from others… I mean
I did wonder as , even if I am trying to live my life as a single lady, I have always been chasing that, even if it was toxic or when I should have just said no.
Thoughts? Is this a case of, The leopard doesn’t change its spots?
And can anyone else relate to what I’m saying?!
"
When you say you should have just said no are you referring to sex? Because I think if you're looking for love or validation solely via sex you'll be disappointed, probably let down and very likely hurt.
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"What you’ve never had, you never miss I guess  "
That's the thing isn't it. When you think you had it, but you learn that what you actually had was a big fucking steaming pile of manipulation and toxicity, it frightens the fuck outta ya and you realise you don't actually know what love even is. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"It is nice to be loved, feel loved and to love but I don't NEED it. I think caring about someone means more.
Thats what I mean, I struggle to compute when people say they don’t NEED it and doing some self reflection, I’ve always been seeking it. Maybe even Unconsciously…
Time to call the therapist once again
Why would you need therapy because you want to be loved? "
I don’t know, it really made me question the healthiness of it all. As I can’t seem to be able to be on my own
And I’ve pursued toxic relationships in order to feel loved
Should have said no, knew the red flags, but proceeded anyway.
Cos I’m that kinda girl and obviously got hurt in the end
Looking back, I’m not sure if it was even about the guys in specific, and made me wonder if could have been anyone else who gave me those feelings that fulfilled my love to be loved . If it makes sense? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm needy
It's nice being loved but if I don't feel the same I just feel bad for them.
Loving someone feels so good. it can hurt like hell too if it's one-sided but seeing someone I love walk into a room or come online makes me feel warm and funny inside |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What a great question OP! As with all things there's a balance I guess. We're innately social beings so relate to others and gain from that.
If we do that too much we are likely to be lacking self-confidence and can become needy. Equally, those who are totally self-assured can become arrogant or worse.
As for love, that comes in many guises. I know I welcome being loved and have a lot of love to give. I have my family and close friends who I love very much. One day I may have a partner too. But we all need a little love from somewhere. |
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I neither seek nor require validation. Being needy is not a characteristic I find particularly attractive in others.
I consider myself to be of fairly strong independent character and find this an attractive trait in others.
This is a blunt and brief answer to a topic which I am aware is more complex. |
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"It is nice to be loved, feel loved and to love but I don't NEED it. I think caring about someone means more.
Thats what I mean, I struggle to compute when people say they don’t NEED it and doing some self reflection, I’ve always been seeking it. Maybe even Unconsciously…
Time to call the therapist once again
Why would you need therapy because you want to be loved?
I don’t know, it really made me question the healthiness of it all. As I can’t seem to be able to be on my own
And I’ve pursued toxic relationships in order to feel loved
Should have said no, knew the red flags, but proceeded anyway.
Cos I’m that kinda girl and obviously got hurt in the end
Looking back, I’m not sure if it was even about the guys in specific, and made me wonder if could have been anyone else who gave me those feelings that fulfilled my love to be loved . If it makes sense?"
Yes makes sense. I don't have an answer for you except to say that pursuing toxic relationships probably means you should love yourself more.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Feeling loved and belonging comes pretty high on Maslow's hierarchy of needs so it is considered a universal requirement for a happy and fulfilled life. I souks say it becomes a problem when we are unable to see ourselves positively unless through the eyes of another.
Mr |
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"What you’ve never had, you never miss I guess
That's the thing isn't it. When you think you had it, but you learn that what you actually had was a big fucking steaming pile of manipulation and toxicity, it frightens the fuck outta ya and you realise you don't actually know what love even is."
Well one thing it isn't is that Peach! |
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Validation from others comes in all different forms. For example validation in work is different to someone saying you are a good friend for example.
We all seek validation in some way or another. But I think validation is different to feeling loved. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I want to feel loved basically because I think we're all happier people when we know someone cares deeply for us. I don't see it as needing validation though. And I've never been one for needing constant reminders that I'm loved whether that be verbally or through gifts etc.
I don't want to feel needed by my partner though (though he may feel that he does). I associate that feeling with my children and maternal love. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"It is nice to be loved, feel loved and to love but I don't NEED it. I think caring about someone means more.
Thats what I mean, I struggle to compute when people say they don’t NEED it and doing some self reflection, I’ve always been seeking it. Maybe even Unconsciously…
Time to call the therapist once again
Why would you need therapy because you want to be loved?
I don’t know, it really made me question the healthiness of it all. As I can’t seem to be able to be on my own
And I’ve pursued toxic relationships in order to feel loved
Should have said no, knew the red flags, but proceeded anyway.
Cos I’m that kinda girl and obviously got hurt in the end
Looking back, I’m not sure if it was even about the guys in specific, and made me wonder if could have been anyone else who gave me those feelings that fulfilled my love to be loved . If it makes sense?
Yes makes sense. I don't have an answer for you except to say that pursuing toxic relationships probably means you should love yourself more.
"
And that’s where I meant I probably should have said no, when I felt things were off or toxic but didn’t follow my intuitions. And my heart overrode it anyway.
Yep, I agree in trying to love myself more. I think I am learning, but I got a long way to go still.
Thanks for your answers btw |
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"It is nice to be loved, feel loved and to love but I don't NEED it. I think caring about someone means more.
Thats what I mean, I struggle to compute when people say they don’t NEED it and doing some self reflection, I’ve always been seeking it. Maybe even Unconsciously…
Time to call the therapist once again
Why would you need therapy because you want to be loved?
I don’t know, it really made me question the healthiness of it all. As I can’t seem to be able to be on my own
And I’ve pursued toxic relationships in order to feel loved
Should have said no, knew the red flags, but proceeded anyway.
Cos I’m that kinda girl and obviously got hurt in the end
Looking back, I’m not sure if it was even about the guys in specific, and made me wonder if could have been anyone else who gave me those feelings that fulfilled my love to be loved . If it makes sense?
Yes makes sense. I don't have an answer for you except to say that pursuing toxic relationships probably means you should love yourself more.
And that’s where I meant I probably should have said no, when I felt things were off or toxic but didn’t follow my intuitions. And my heart overrode it anyway.
Yep, I agree in trying to love myself more. I think I am learning, but I got a long way to go still.
Thanks for your answers btw "
You're welcome. Next time you're tempted to pursue a toxic relationship just pop a thread up, I'll talk some sense into you  . |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think that once you have experienced the nurturing love, you need, want and search for it to some extent. But if you've never had that sort of love, do you really know what you're missing? Love is different for everybody though so I guess it just comes down to what they perceive as love. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I neither seek nor require validation. Being needy is not a characteristic I find particularly attractive in others.
I consider myself to be of fairly strong independent character and find this an attractive trait in others.
This is a blunt and brief answer to a topic which I am aware is more complex. "
I don’t consider myself being a needy person, but maybe that’s a question for all my previous lovers |
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I need love, I seek safe love from my close friends, family and pets and lovers.
Being romantically in love will maybe one day have a place in my life I'm not sure
Looking for love is not a bad thing but when people abuse your need for love, knowing when to call it quits is really difficult |
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"I think that once you have experienced the nurturing love, you need, want and search for it to some extent. But if you've never had that sort of love, do you really know what you're missing? Love is different for everybody though so I guess it just comes down to what they perceive as love."
This is very true. I think that how you experience love as a child is how you understand it later in life |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I think that once you have experienced the nurturing love, you need, want and search for it to some extent. But if you've never had that sort of love, do you really know what you're missing? Love is different for everybody though so I guess it just comes down to what they perceive as love.
This is very true. I think that how you experience love as a child is how you understand it later in life"
Very true! I hate to admit it but my mum (she wasn’t abusive or anything) but she didn’t provide the love I guess a child needs (she was very busy and I have long forgiven her)
While my dad did, or tried for both of them  |
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By *agic.MMan
over a year ago
Orpington |
It's an interesting question...not sure it has a simple answer. I sure want to be wanted and desired...and want to have a purpose in other people's lifes. I think it becomes toxic when you have a person that genuinely cares about you and gives you all the validation you need, but it's still not enough for you and you start seeking it from others. Or you can flip that and now you have multiple people that want you, but you meet this one person who couldn't care less about you and you become offended and can't control your emotions, because this one person just doesn't see you the way you want to be seen. |
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"I think that once you have experienced the nurturing love, you need, want and search for it to some extent. But if you've never had that sort of love, do you really know what you're missing? Love is different for everybody though so I guess it just comes down to what they perceive as love.
This is very true. I think that how you experience love as a child is how you understand it later in life"
I saw what I perceived as love in other people's families. That's what I wanted.
Yet somehow I found the same kind of love that was abundant in my early years. Push you pull you love. Earn it love. You only get it when you do what I want you to love. Try harder love. Be better love.
I simply don't think I'm wired to recognise how healthy love feels when it comes to anything other than friendship. |
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I would imagine a site like is full of women looking for meaning, attention, validation and “love” from strangers
I was very close with a girl who did the same. And it was the same cycle
Feel bad about self use a dating app to get attention fuck a guy for more validation feel bad for being treated like a hole cycle continues
If you are constantly seeking others to fill your cup, don’t be surprised when it’s never full
I don’t think there’s anything with a little boost. It’s nice to get a little attention. But if your cup is empty you need to find out why and fix that, not seek others to fill it |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think that once you have experienced the nurturing love, you need, want and search for it to some extent. But if you've never had that sort of love, do you really know what you're missing? Love is different for everybody though so I guess it just comes down to what they perceive as love.
This is very true. I think that how you experience love as a child is how you understand it later in life
I saw what I perceived as love in other people's families. That's what I wanted.
Yet somehow I found the same kind of love that was abundant in my early years. Push you pull you love. Earn it love. You only get it when you do what I want you to love. Try harder love. Be better love.
I simply don't think I'm wired to recognise how healthy love feels when it comes to anything other than friendship."
Isn't that a really good starting point for it though? |
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"I think that once you have experienced the nurturing love, you need, want and search for it to some extent. But if you've never had that sort of love, do you really know what you're missing? Love is different for everybody though so I guess it just comes down to what they perceive as love.
This is very true. I think that how you experience love as a child is how you understand it later in life
Very true! I hate to admit it but my mum (she wasn’t abusive or anything) but she didn’t provide the love I guess a child needs (she was very busy and I have long forgiven her)
While my dad did, or tried for both of them "
That might be a clue there |
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"I think that once you have experienced the nurturing love, you need, want and search for it to some extent. But if you've never had that sort of love, do you really know what you're missing? Love is different for everybody though so I guess it just comes down to what they perceive as love.
This is very true. I think that how you experience love as a child is how you understand it later in life
I saw what I perceived as love in other people's families. That's what I wanted.
Yet somehow I found the same kind of love that was abundant in my early years. Push you pull you love. Earn it love. You only get it when you do what I want you to love. Try harder love. Be better love.
I simply don't think I'm wired to recognise how healthy love feels when it comes to anything other than friendship."
 sorry.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think that once you have experienced the nurturing love, you need, want and search for it to some extent. But if you've never had that sort of love, do you really know what you're missing? Love is different for everybody though so I guess it just comes down to what they perceive as love.
This is very true. I think that how you experience love as a child is how you understand it later in life
I saw what I perceived as love in other people's families. That's what I wanted.
Yet somehow I found the same kind of love that was abundant in my early years. Push you pull you love. Earn it love. You only get it when you do what I want you to love. Try harder love. Be better love.
I simply don't think I'm wired to recognise how healthy love feels when it comes to anything other than friendship."
That sounds trauma bonding 
So sorry |
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"I think that once you have experienced the nurturing love, you need, want and search for it to some extent. But if you've never had that sort of love, do you really know what you're missing? Love is different for everybody though so I guess it just comes down to what they perceive as love.
This is very true. I think that how you experience love as a child is how you understand it later in life
I saw what I perceived as love in other people's families. That's what I wanted.
Yet somehow I found the same kind of love that was abundant in my early years. Push you pull you love. Earn it love. You only get it when you do what I want you to love. Try harder love. Be better love.
I simply don't think I'm wired to recognise how healthy love feels when it comes to anything other than friendship.
That sounds trauma bonding
So sorry "
I have a huge thing about pride. "Are you proud of me? Did I do good?" It's manifested into the workplace too. Every day I read reviews to see if I got a mention, as then that'll show I did a good enough job, that I can be proud. How fucked up is that?
Some days though I give myself the credit I deserve and I'm proud I made it to 44 without topping myself or doing something prison worthy.
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"I think that once you have experienced the nurturing love, you need, want and search for it to some extent. But if you've never had that sort of love, do you really know what you're missing? Love is different for everybody though so I guess it just comes down to what they perceive as love.
This is very true. I think that how you experience love as a child is how you understand it later in life
I saw what I perceived as love in other people's families. That's what I wanted.
Yet somehow I found the same kind of love that was abundant in my early years. Push you pull you love. Earn it love. You only get it when you do what I want you to love. Try harder love. Be better love.
I simply don't think I'm wired to recognise how healthy love feels when it comes to anything other than friendship.
That sounds trauma bonding
So sorry
I have a huge thing about pride. "Are you proud of me? Did I do good?" It's manifested into the workplace too. Every day I read reviews to see if I got a mention, as then that'll show I did a good enough job, that I can be proud. How fucked up is that?
Some days though I give myself the credit I deserve and I'm proud I made it to 44 without topping myself or doing something prison worthy.
"
Peach I have a bit of an obsession with I'm proud of you or you did a good job. Stems from childhood and my ex. I did the same with work, wanting to be the best and obsessive with it. Hard to change that mindset. I have a book. Which I write in at the beginning of the year of big and small things I want to achieve in the year. Even if it's get a haircut every other month. So I can have focus on something I can achieve. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think that once you have experienced the nurturing love, you need, want and search for it to some extent. But if you've never had that sort of love, do you really know what you're missing? Love is different for everybody though so I guess it just comes down to what they perceive as love.
This is very true. I think that how you experience love as a child is how you understand it later in life
I saw what I perceived as love in other people's families. That's what I wanted.
Yet somehow I found the same kind of love that was abundant in my early years. Push you pull you love. Earn it love. You only get it when you do what I want you to love. Try harder love. Be better love.
I simply don't think I'm wired to recognise how healthy love feels when it comes to anything other than friendship.
That sounds trauma bonding
So sorry
I have a huge thing about pride. "Are you proud of me? Did I do good?" It's manifested into the workplace too. Every day I read reviews to see if I got a mention, as then that'll show I did a good enough job, that I can be proud. How fucked up is that?
Some days though I give myself the credit I deserve and I'm proud I made it to 44 without topping myself or doing something prison worthy.
"
It’s not fucked up at all, you’re doing amazingly .
Have you looked into re parenting?
Be gentle with yourself, you’ve been through a massive amount of trauma, that would have broken other people |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think it totally depends on the reason you’re seeking love and validation, Or why you would feel you need it.
It can be a very unhealthy thing and actually counter productive in self help/self care, if you always look to others for that validation and love and not yourself. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I think it totally depends on the reason you’re seeking love and validation, Or why you would feel you need it.
It can be a very unhealthy thing and actually counter productive in self help/self care, if you always look to others for that validation and love and not yourself. "
I totally recognise this and I don’t know how to fix this and whether it’s just embed in me.
But anyway x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I would imagine a site like is full of women looking for meaning, attention, validation and “love” from strangers
I was very close with a girl who did the same. And it was the same cycle
Feel bad about self use a dating app to get attention fuck a guy for more validation feel bad for being treated like a hole cycle continues
If you are constantly seeking others to fill your cup, don’t be surprised when it’s never full
I don’t think there’s anything with a little boost. It’s nice to get a little attention. But if your cup is empty you need to find out why and fix that, not seek others to fill it "
I feel your points and some kinda hit home , I think I’m trying to do better and not let the feeling of wanting to be loved and validated by lovers override my own self love x if what im saying makes any sense |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I was doing some self reflection and yes, we should all have self love and love ourselves. Always! And I am learning (yes, still learning)
But I do wonder, are there people who are built and born to NEED the love from others? Particularly men, in my case (or women If into women)
I’ve been told many times that I am the kind of girl who loves to be loved and feel loved (But I mean….who doesn’t like that?!)
But I wonder when it’s like healthy or just a fucked up form of validation . Seeking love from others… I mean
I did wonder as , even if I am trying to live my life as a single lady, I have always been chasing that, even if it was toxic or when I should have just said no.
Thoughts? Is this a case of, The leopard doesn’t change its spots?
And can anyone else relate to what I’m saying?!
"
I get it and do suffer from it from time to time. When I was younger I did have some self esteem issues and needed validation. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I was doing some self reflection and yes, we should all have self love and love ourselves. Always! And I am learning (yes, still learning)
But I do wonder, are there people who are built and born to NEED the love from others? Particularly men, in my case (or women If into women)
I’ve been told many times that I am the kind of girl who loves to be loved and feel loved (But I mean….who doesn’t like that?!)
But I wonder when it’s like healthy or just a fucked up form of validation . Seeking love from others… I mean
I did wonder as , even if I am trying to live my life as a single lady, I have always been chasing that, even if it was toxic or when I should have just said no.
Thoughts? Is this a case of, The leopard doesn’t change its spots?
And can anyone else relate to what I’m saying?!
I get it and do suffer from it from time to time. When I was younger I did have some self esteem issues and needed validation."
I can sort of relate, so There must be something really about how we grow up that can make as a certain way! X
Hope you are better now tho x |
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