FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > That's a shame...
That's a shame...
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By *adyJayne OP Woman
over a year ago
Burnleyish (She/They) |
When you say thanks but no thanks, I've found that you either get abuse, or the person responds with "that's a shame".
It's something that takes me from anger to confusion and back again in pretty rapid sucession...
A shame for whom?
The person who sent the original message?
Why is it a shame?
Why would you want to meet someone who doesn't reciprocate the feeling?
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
Why would you want to meet someone who doesn't reciprocate the feeling?
"
I suspect they mean it is a shame (to them) that you don't reciprocate their feelings.
Really don't know why this is hard to understand.
Mr |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Abuse is shit and no excuse for it!
I'd say what's meant is... it's a shame reciprocation of feelings wasn't mutual.
So a shame for them. "
This. ^
I would take it that THEY think it’s a shame (for them) as they would have liked to meet you. Not a slight or insult I don’t think.
Like if I went to the supermarket and they said they’d sold out of cheese (which I LOVE) then I might say “that’s a shame” as I can’t have a cheesy treat!  |
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By *adyJayne OP Woman
over a year ago
Burnleyish (She/They) |
"
Why would you want to meet someone who doesn't reciprocate the feeling?
I suspect they mean it is a shame (to them) that you don't reciprocate their feelings.
Really don't know why this is hard to understand.
Mr"
I don't understand the need for them to say it, what are they expecting me to reply...
Is it a pity plea? I obviously dont think its a shame, because I said i wasn’t wanting to meet them, why is any further comment even needed? |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
"Not a native speaker of the language. But I think "That's a shame" just means that person is disappointed."
Absolutely, they're just being honest with you and saying that "It's not the answer I was waiting for, but happy FABing" whilst trying not to sound too diaspointed.
Rejection isn't nice: just like not getting job interviews and most of us know that feeling.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
Why would you want to meet someone who doesn't reciprocate the feeling?
I suspect they mean it is a shame (to them) that you don't reciprocate their feelings.
Really don't know why this is hard to understand.
Mr
I don't understand the need for them to say it, what are they expecting me to reply...
Is it a pity plea? I obviously dont think its a shame, because I said i wasn’t wanting to meet them, why is any further comment even needed? "
“Good morning”
“Good morning to you too”
“Nice weather isn’t it?”
“Yes, but it might rain later”
“Ah that’s a shame”
“Yes it is. Hopefully it won’t though”
“Yes. Hopefully it’ll hold off”
“Well take care and look after yourself”
“You too. Bye”
“Bye”
I mean WHY is any further comment needed after the initial Good Mornings!?  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
Why would you want to meet someone who doesn't reciprocate the feeling?
I suspect they mean it is a shame (to them) that you don't reciprocate their feelings.
Really don't know why this is hard to understand.
Mr
I don't understand the need for them to say it, what are they expecting me to reply...
Is it a pity plea? I obviously dont think its a shame, because I said i wasn’t wanting to meet them, why is any further comment even needed? "
I entirely agree. Its a reply irritates me as if I'm missing out or have made the wrong choice by declining. Its really not a shame for anyone. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
Why would you want to meet someone who doesn't reciprocate the feeling?
I suspect they mean it is a shame (to them) that you don't reciprocate their feelings.
Really don't know why this is hard to understand.
Mr
I don't understand the need for them to say it, what are they expecting me to reply...
Is it a pity plea? I obviously dont think its a shame, because I said i wasn’t wanting to meet them, why is any further comment even needed? "
They’re probably not expecting a reply, as somebody said it’s just an acknowledgment that you replied and that it’s a shame for them.
With all the posts I see about people not getting replies maybe he/they are just happy they did and wanted to just let you know it’s a shame, it’s polite? Not like they told you to fuck off..
What I take from this is,
Men are shit
Men with manners are shit
Men with no manners are shit
Even the polite ones can’t do right for doing wrong  |
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"
Why would you want to meet someone who doesn't reciprocate the feeling?
I suspect they mean it is a shame (to them) that you don't reciprocate their feelings.
Really don't know why this is hard to understand.
Mr
I don't understand the need for them to say it, what are they expecting me to reply...
Is it a pity plea? I obviously dont think its a shame, because I said i wasn’t wanting to meet them, why is any further comment even needed?
They’re probably not expecting a reply, as somebody said it’s just an acknowledgment that you replied and that it’s a shame for them.
With all the posts I see about people not getting replies maybe he/they are just happy they did and wanted to just let you know it’s a shame, it’s polite? Not like they told you to fuck off..
What I take from this is,
Men are shit
Men with manners are shit
Men with no manners are shit
Even the polite ones can’t do right for doing wrong "
Exactly what I thought  . |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
Why would you want to meet someone who doesn't reciprocate the feeling?
I suspect they mean it is a shame (to them) that you don't reciprocate their feelings.
Really don't know why this is hard to understand.
Mr
I don't understand the need for them to say it, what are they expecting me to reply...
Is it a pity plea? I obviously dont think its a shame, because I said i wasn’t wanting to meet them, why is any further comment even needed?
I entirely agree. Its a reply irritates me as if I'm missing out or have made the wrong choice by declining. Its really not a shame for anyone. "
Maybe you’re misinterpreting it?
Obviously I can’t comment for the person the OP is referring to, but I often say “ah that’s a shame” when I’M disappointed in something, and not implying in any way it’s their loss.
* The football later has been postponed. Ah that’s a shame I was looking forwards to going to that *
Obviously in this context we can’t ascertain the tone of voice / body language but it might not necessarily have been meant in a negative way.
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"
Why would you want to meet someone who doesn't reciprocate the feeling?
I suspect they mean it is a shame (to them) that you don't reciprocate their feelings.
Really don't know why this is hard to understand.
Mr
I don't understand the need for them to say it, what are they expecting me to reply...
Is it a pity plea? I obviously dont think its a shame, because I said i wasn’t wanting to meet them, why is any further comment even needed?
They’re probably not expecting a reply, as somebody said it’s just an acknowledgment that you replied and that it’s a shame for them.
With all the posts I see about people not getting replies maybe he/they are just happy they did and wanted to just let you know it’s a shame, it’s polite? Not like they told you to fuck off..
What I take from this is,
Men are shit
Men with manners are shit
Men with no manners are shit
Even the polite ones can’t do right for doing wrong
Exactly what I thought . "
Me too |
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By *dwalu2Couple
over a year ago
Bristol |
"
Why would you want to meet someone who doesn't reciprocate the feeling?
I suspect they mean it is a shame (to them) that you don't reciprocate their feelings.
Really don't know why this is hard to understand.
Mr
I don't understand the need for them to say it, what are they expecting me to reply...
Is it a pity plea? I obviously dont think its a shame, because I said i wasn’t wanting to meet them, why is any further comment even needed?
I entirely agree. Its a reply irritates me as if I'm missing out or have made the wrong choice by declining. Its really not a shame for anyone. "
You really have to twist the words out of their clear meaning to interpret them this way though.
You’re free to be irritated by whatever you want, but it seems like going out of your way to annoy yourself. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
Why would you want to meet someone who doesn't reciprocate the feeling?
I suspect they mean it is a shame (to them) that you don't reciprocate their feelings.
Really don't know why this is hard to understand.
Mr
I don't understand the need for them to say it, what are they expecting me to reply...
Is it a pity plea? I obviously dont think its a shame, because I said i wasn’t wanting to meet them, why is any further comment even needed? "
The OP and this post come across as utterly entitled. There is no need to reply to anyone, you are right and it may well be pointless but if you really have so little empathy that you cannot fathom why another person would express their disappointment at being turned down then nothing anyone says here is going to help you understand.
Mr |
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"When you say thanks but no thanks, I've found that you either get abuse, or the person responds with "that's a shame".
It's something that takes me from anger to confusion and back again in pretty rapid sucession...
A shame for whom?
The person who sent the original message?
Why is it a shame?
Why would you want to meet someone who doesn't reciprocate the feeling?
To be fair , looking at your profile I think I would think it would be a shame if you didn’t want to .Abuse is never called for though Very nice BTW
"
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"
Why would you want to meet someone who doesn't reciprocate the feeling?
I suspect they mean it is a shame (to them) that you don't reciprocate their feelings.
Really don't know why this is hard to understand.
Mr
I don't understand the need for them to say it, what are they expecting me to reply...
Is it a pity plea? I obviously dont think its a shame, because I said i wasn’t wanting to meet them, why is any further comment even needed?
The OP and this post come across as utterly entitled. There is no need to reply to anyone, you are right and it may well be pointless but if you really have so little empathy that you cannot fathom why another person would express their disappointment at being turned down then nothing anyone says here is going to help you understand.
Mr"
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"When you say thanks but no thanks, I've found that you either get abuse, or the person responds with "that's a shame".
It's something that takes me from anger to confusion and back again in pretty rapid sucession...
A shame for whom?
The person who sent the original message?
Why is it a shame?
Why would you want to meet someone who doesn't reciprocate the feeling?
To be fair , looking at your profile I think I would think it would be a shame if you didn’t want to .Abuse is never called for though Very nice BTW
"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
Why would you want to meet someone who doesn't reciprocate the feeling?
I suspect they mean it is a shame (to them) that you don't reciprocate their feelings.
Really don't know why this is hard to understand.
Mr
I don't understand the need for them to say it, what are they expecting me to reply...
Is it a pity plea? I obviously dont think its a shame, because I said i wasn’t wanting to meet them, why is any further comment even needed?
I entirely agree. Its a reply irritates me as if I'm missing out or have made the wrong choice by declining. Its really not a shame for anyone. "
They probably mean it as a compliment but I agree with what you say above. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
Why would you want to meet someone who doesn't reciprocate the feeling?
I suspect they mean it is a shame (to them) that you don't reciprocate their feelings.
Really don't know why this is hard to understand.
Mr
I don't understand the need for them to say it, what are they expecting me to reply...
Is it a pity plea? I obviously dont think its a shame, because I said i wasn’t wanting to meet them, why is any further comment even needed?
I entirely agree. Its a reply irritates me as if I'm missing out or have made the wrong choice by declining. Its really not a shame for anyone. "
Do you ever consider that other people may feel differently to you? Or are you really so self centered that you genuinely believe that just because you aren't disappointed by something not happening, no one else can possibly feel differently?
Mr |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
Why would you want to meet someone who doesn't reciprocate the feeling?
I suspect they mean it is a shame (to them) that you don't reciprocate their feelings.
Really don't know why this is hard to understand.
Mr
I don't understand the need for them to say it, what are they expecting me to reply...
Is it a pity plea? I obviously dont think its a shame, because I said i wasn’t wanting to meet them, why is any further comment even needed?
I entirely agree. Its a reply irritates me as if I'm missing out or have made the wrong choice by declining. Its really not a shame for anyone.
Do you ever consider that other people may feel differently to you? Or are you really so self centered that you genuinely believe that just because you aren't disappointed by something not happening, no one else can possibly feel differently?
Mr"
Can you not understand that she feels this way and doesn't like when people make the comment? Or should she conform to how you see it?
She's not self centred, she is entitled to not like the comment as per the OP.
Women are allowed to have feelings.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
We just say " No thanks. Take care" obvious that we arnt interested.
Sometimes get "thanks for replying" that sort of thing , which is ok anything else or more messages we just block them. |
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By *adyJayne OP Woman
over a year ago
Burnleyish (She/They) |
"What I take from this is,
Men are shit
Men with manners are shit
Men with no manners are shit
Even the polite ones can’t do right for doing wrong "
I mean, you can assume that's only come from men - you'd be wrong... it's mainly couples |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
Why would you want to meet someone who doesn't reciprocate the feeling?
I suspect they mean it is a shame (to them) that you don't reciprocate their feelings.
Really don't know why this is hard to understand.
Mr
I don't understand the need for them to say it, what are they expecting me to reply...
Is it a pity plea? I obviously dont think its a shame, because I said i wasn’t wanting to meet them, why is any further comment even needed?
I entirely agree. Its a reply irritates me as if I'm missing out or have made the wrong choice by declining. Its really not a shame for anyone.
Do you ever consider that other people may feel differently to you? Or are you really so self centered that you genuinely believe that just because you aren't disappointed by something not happening, no one else can possibly feel differently?
Mr
Can you not understand that she feels this way and doesn't like when people make the comment? Or should she conform to how you see it?
She's not self centred, she is entitled to not like the comment as per the OP.
Women are allowed to have feelings. "
Nah, he’s right.
She said above “it’s really not a shame for anyone”
It was. For the person that said it.
Men are allowed to have feelings! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
Why would you want to meet someone who doesn't reciprocate the feeling?
I suspect they mean it is a shame (to them) that you don't reciprocate their feelings.
Really don't know why this is hard to understand.
Mr
I don't understand the need for them to say it, what are they expecting me to reply...
Is it a pity plea? I obviously dont think its a shame, because I said i wasn’t wanting to meet them, why is any further comment even needed?
I entirely agree. Its a reply irritates me as if I'm missing out or have made the wrong choice by declining. Its really not a shame for anyone.
Do you ever consider that other people may feel differently to you? Or are you really so self centered that you genuinely believe that just because you aren't disappointed by something not happening, no one else can possibly feel differently?
Mr
Can you not understand that she feels this way and doesn't like when people make the comment? Or should she conform to how you see it?
She's not self centred, she is entitled to not like the comment as per the OP.
Women are allowed to have feelings. "
I didn't say she couldn't have feelings ir very upset or feel whatever she wants. In this particular reply I objected to the statement "it's really not a shame for anyone". It isn't me that is denying others rights to have their own feelings.
Mr |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"What I take from this is,
Men are shit
Men with manners are shit
Men with no manners are shit
Even the polite ones can’t do right for doing wrong
I mean, you can assume that's only come from men - you'd be wrong... it's mainly couples"
I would assume that because you said “the person that sent the original message”.. person, singular. |
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By *adyJayne OP Woman
over a year ago
Burnleyish (She/They) |
"
Why would you want to meet someone who doesn't reciprocate the feeling?
I suspect they mean it is a shame (to them) that you don't reciprocate their feelings.
Really don't know why this is hard to understand.
Mr"
Actually to add to this... I also make it clear I am autistic...
Neurotypical people say what they actually mean less than 50% of the time... most ND people spend hours trying to work out what the subtext or meaning is... so actually yes, it is so hard to understand |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
Why would you want to meet someone who doesn't reciprocate the feeling?
I suspect they mean it is a shame (to them) that you don't reciprocate their feelings.
Really don't know why this is hard to understand.
Mr
Actually to add to this... I also make it clear I am autistic...
Neurotypical people say what they actually mean less than 50% of the time... most ND people spend hours trying to work out what the subtext or meaning is... so actually yes, it is so hard to understand "
 |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
Why would you want to meet someone who doesn't reciprocate the feeling?
I suspect they mean it is a shame (to them) that you don't reciprocate their feelings.
Really don't know why this is hard to understand.
Mr
I don't understand the need for them to say it, what are they expecting me to reply...
Is it a pity plea? I obviously dont think its a shame, because I said i wasn’t wanting to meet them, why is any further comment even needed?
I entirely agree. Its a reply irritates me as if I'm missing out or have made the wrong choice by declining. Its really not a shame for anyone.
Do you ever consider that other people may feel differently to you? Or are you really so self centered that you genuinely believe that just because you aren't disappointed by something not happening, no one else can possibly feel differently?
Mr"
Thanks for your comments. Maybe i am being self centred by not understanding other peoples disappointment. 95% of the time ‘its a shame’ is said with the implication that declining is wrong on your part. ‘Its a shame, you're missing out’, ‘its a shame as i would be good for you’.
I sometimes reply that its not a shame and actually try to compliment the person ie they have a great profile or someone more local would be easier for them to visit. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
Why would you want to meet someone who doesn't reciprocate the feeling?
I suspect they mean it is a shame (to them) that you don't reciprocate their feelings.
Really don't know why this is hard to understand.
Mr
Actually to add to this... I also make it clear I am autistic...
Neurotypical people say what they actually mean less than 50% of the time... most ND people spend hours trying to work out what the subtext or meaning is... so actually yes, it is so hard to understand "
They are saying exactly what they mean. They feel that it is a shame that you don't want to meet them. Saying "that is a shame" isn't an allegory or or a metaphor. It simply means *they* feel it is a shame their interest isn't reciprocated. There is no subtext to work out.
Mr |
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"
Why would you want to meet someone who doesn't reciprocate the feeling?
I suspect they mean it is a shame (to them) that you don't reciprocate their feelings.
Really don't know why this is hard to understand.
Mr
I don't understand the need for them to say it, what are they expecting me to reply...
Is it a pity plea? I obviously dont think its a shame, because I said i wasn’t wanting to meet them, why is any further comment even needed?
I entirely agree. Its a reply irritates me as if I'm missing out or have made the wrong choice by declining. Its really not a shame for anyone.
Do you ever consider that other people may feel differently to you? Or are you really so self centered that you genuinely believe that just because you aren't disappointed by something not happening, no one else can possibly feel differently?
Mr
Thanks for your comments. Maybe i am being self centred by not understanding other peoples disappointment. 95% of the time ‘its a shame’ is said with the implication that declining is wrong on your part. ‘Its a shame, you're missing out’, ‘its a shame as i would be good for you’.
I sometimes reply that its not a shame and actually try to compliment the person ie they have a great profile or someone more local would be easier for them to visit. "
See I would read it as aw it’s a shame I would have liked to meet you rather than it’s a shame you’re missing out by not meeting me. Shows how people interpret things differently. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
Why would you want to meet someone who doesn't reciprocate the feeling?
I suspect they mean it is a shame (to them) that you don't reciprocate their feelings.
Really don't know why this is hard to understand.
Mr
Actually to add to this... I also make it clear I am autistic...
Neurotypical people say what they actually mean less than 50% of the time... most ND people spend hours trying to work out what the subtext or meaning is... so actually yes, it is so hard to understand "
This seems to imply that you recognise that people think in different ways.
Therefore, given this, is it fair to say that as you don’t know whether the intention of the person saying “that’s a shame” was negative or positive, you have a choice to be either “glass half full” or “glass half empty” about it.
In the case of ambiguity over trivial matters I tend to assume the positive. If I’m wrong and they meant it negativity then as it’s such a trivial matter then it’s really no great shakes and I haven’t got myself upset over it. |
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"
Why would you want to meet someone who doesn't reciprocate the feeling?
I suspect they mean it is a shame (to them) that you don't reciprocate their feelings.
Really don't know why this is hard to understand.
Mr
Actually to add to this... I also make it clear I am autistic...
Neurotypical people say what they actually mean less than 50% of the time... most ND people spend hours trying to work out what the subtext or meaning is... so actually yes, it is so hard to understand
They are saying exactly what they mean. They feel that it is a shame that you don't want to meet them. Saying "that is a shame" isn't an allegory or or a metaphor. It simply means *they* feel it is a shame their interest isn't reciprocated. There is no subtext to work out.
Mr"
There clearly is though as shown in the other comment. How I’d interpret it and how the other lady does. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
Why would you want to meet someone who doesn't reciprocate the feeling?
I suspect they mean it is a shame (to them) that you don't reciprocate their feelings.
Really don't know why this is hard to understand.
Mr
I don't understand the need for them to say it, what are they expecting me to reply...
Is it a pity plea? I obviously dont think its a shame, because I said i wasn’t wanting to meet them, why is any further comment even needed?
I entirely agree. Its a reply irritates me as if I'm missing out or have made the wrong choice by declining. Its really not a shame for anyone.
Do you ever consider that other people may feel differently to you? Or are you really so self centered that you genuinely believe that just because you aren't disappointed by something not happening, no one else can possibly feel differently?
Mr
Thanks for your comments. Maybe i am being self centred by not understanding other peoples disappointment. 95% of the time ‘its a shame’ is said with the implication that declining is wrong on your part. ‘Its a shame, you're missing out’, ‘its a shame as i would be good for you’.
I sometimes reply that its not a shame and actually try to compliment the person ie they have a great profile or someone more local would be easier for them to visit. "
If they said "it is a shame that you're missing out" then fair enough. If they just say "that's a shame" then I cannot see how that carries any such implication. Maybe I'm being autistic now?
If someone turned you down and you said "that's a shame" would you mean that you were disappointed or that you believe they had made a mistake and were losing out?
Mr |
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By *AYENCouple
over a year ago
Lincolnshire |
If it irritates you, why not block the person/people once you have replied - it would save you all that anger and irritation. Or better still, set it so you can't receive any messages from randoms, and instead only contact those you like the look of. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
Why would you want to meet someone who doesn't reciprocate the feeling?
I suspect they mean it is a shame (to them) that you don't reciprocate their feelings.
Really don't know why this is hard to understand.
Mr
Actually to add to this... I also make it clear I am autistic...
Neurotypical people say what they actually mean less than 50% of the time... most ND people spend hours trying to work out what the subtext or meaning is... so actually yes, it is so hard to understand
They are saying exactly what they mean. They feel that it is a shame that you don't want to meet them. Saying "that is a shame" isn't an allegory or or a metaphor. It simply means *they* feel it is a shame their interest isn't reciprocated. There is no subtext to work out.
Mr
There clearly is though as shown in the other comment. How I’d interpret it and how the other lady does. "
Yes, seems I am wrong on this. I suspect that you and I would interpret it the way we do because that is the way we would mean it were we to use the phrase?
Mr
Yes, |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
1 I don’t send unsolicited messages
2 I don’t expect any messages
3 I chat to few lady’s on hear non sexual content
4 I don’t get angry upset because I don’t give a shit |
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"
Why would you want to meet someone who doesn't reciprocate the feeling?
I suspect they mean it is a shame (to them) that you don't reciprocate their feelings.
Really don't know why this is hard to understand.
Mr
Actually to add to this... I also make it clear I am autistic...
Neurotypical people say what they actually mean less than 50% of the time... most ND people spend hours trying to work out what the subtext or meaning is... so actually yes, it is so hard to understand
They are saying exactly what they mean. They feel that it is a shame that you don't want to meet them. Saying "that is a shame" isn't an allegory or or a metaphor. It simply means *they* feel it is a shame their interest isn't reciprocated. There is no subtext to work out.
Mr
There clearly is though as shown in the other comment. How I’d interpret it and how the other lady does.
Yes, seems I am wrong on this. I suspect that you and I would interpret it the way we do because that is the way we would mean it were we to use the phrase?
Mr
Yes, "
Yes. I wouldn’t even think to interpret it any other way. Perhaps it is a glass half full/half empty thing as someone else said. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
Why would you want to meet someone who doesn't reciprocate the feeling?
I suspect they mean it is a shame (to them) that you don't reciprocate their feelings.
Really don't know why this is hard to understand.
Mr
Actually to add to this... I also make it clear I am autistic...
Neurotypical people say what they actually mean less than 50% of the time... most ND people spend hours trying to work out what the subtext or meaning is... so actually yes, it is so hard to understand
They are saying exactly what they mean. They feel that it is a shame that you don't want to meet them. Saying "that is a shame" isn't an allegory or or a metaphor. It simply means *they* feel it is a shame their interest isn't reciprocated. There is no subtext to work out.
Mr
There clearly is though as shown in the other comment. How I’d interpret it and how the other lady does.
Yes, seems I am wrong on this. I suspect that you and I would interpret it the way we do because that is the way we would mean it were we to use the phrase?
Mr
Yes, "
I agree.
I have had experience of people saying "it's a shame" and then continuing to message, trying to change my mind and not taking no for an answer.
It may well be a compliment sometimes. Other times it's just a ploy to try and get a meet anyway, even though the person said "no". Hence the annoyance. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
Why would you want to meet someone who doesn't reciprocate the feeling?
I suspect they mean it is a shame (to them) that you don't reciprocate their feelings.
Really don't know why this is hard to understand.
Mr
I don't understand the need for them to say it, what are they expecting me to reply...
Is it a pity plea? I obviously dont think its a shame, because I said i wasn’t wanting to meet them, why is any further comment even needed?
I entirely agree. Its a reply irritates me as if I'm missing out or have made the wrong choice by declining. Its really not a shame for anyone.
Do you ever consider that other people may feel differently to you? Or are you really so self centered that you genuinely believe that just because you aren't disappointed by something not happening, no one else can possibly feel differently?
Mr
Thanks for your comments. Maybe i am being self centred by not understanding other peoples disappointment. 95% of the time ‘its a shame’ is said with the implication that declining is wrong on your part. ‘Its a shame, you're missing out’, ‘its a shame as i would be good for you’.
I sometimes reply that its not a shame and actually try to compliment the person ie they have a great profile or someone more local would be easier for them to visit.
If they said "it is a shame that you're missing out" then fair enough. If they just say "that's a shame" then I cannot see how that carries any such implication. Maybe I'm being autistic now?
If someone turned you down and you said "that's a shame" would you mean that you were disappointed or that you believe they had made a mistake and were losing out?
Mr"
As someone else said i think we just interpret things differently. The definition of the word shame is so negative i wouldn't want people to feel like that. In turn i wouldn't use the phrase if i was declined by anyone. I would accept their choice and wish them well. |
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By *adyJayne OP Woman
over a year ago
Burnleyish (She/They) |
"They are saying exactly what they mean. They feel that it is a shame that you don't want to meet them. Saying "that is a shame" isn't an allegory or or a metaphor. It simply means *they* feel it is a shame their interest isn't reciprocated. There is no subtext to work out.
Mr"
Someone (a man as it happens) who is too new to fab to post on the forums sent me a reply as a message that says he thinks there is subtext and that it's likely sour grapes and that they want me to feel like I'm missing out...
Again, most neurotypicals say one thing but mean another... I'm ot talking about metaphors or allegorical comment... straight up just not being blunt...
Although as much as I hate people saying "oh maybe I'm a bit autistic" you're certainly blunt enough in how you voice your opinion |
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By *aliceWoman
over a year ago
Birmingham |
Context is important. 'It's a shame' can be an innocent slightly awkward way of trying to politely deal with a rejection but it can also feel like an invalidation of preference.
'I'm busy tonight'
'That's a shame'
Is very diferrent from
'I'm gay/not into x as my profile makes clear'
'That's a shame" |
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By *adyJayne OP Woman
over a year ago
Burnleyish (She/They) |
"If it irritates you, why not block the person/people once you have replied - it would save you all that anger and irritation. Or better still, set it so you can't receive any messages from randoms, and instead only contact those you like the look of. "
I have my messages open because over the years I've had some great conversations with people regarding forum topics etc that I wouldn't have been able to have otherwise.
A lot of the topics I post on are around bdsm/kink and having been in the scene 20+ years, many of them involved in events and as an educator I'm happy to share knowledge and information on the topics... |
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"Either of these responses IMO just confirm your they are not for you. Just block and carry on. Although I never understand what people hope to achieve with such responses?
Mr"
Maybe it's just their way to end the chat...so they don't look ignorant when being knocked back.
Maybe they expect nothing. |
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By *3nsesMan
over a year ago
Dublin |
I've probably used the "it's a shame" lone before. It kinda has no meaning though. Just seems like one of the common things to throw out in those situations.
As someone said above, sometimes as a guy you do feel you're going to be damned if you do and damned of you don't. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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There seems to be a lot of confusion going around here. The words "shame" in this context is not used literally. It just means disappointment.
https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/shame
Like "It's a shame that the event had to be cancelled"
It's a completely normal and decent reply. Not sure why people are pissed off about this. |
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By *smCouple
over a year ago
Liskeard |
In a similar vein
Why send a message starting with
It’s a shame .. examples I’ve had ..
It’s a shame you’re so far away,
It’s a shame you’re too old for me,
Shame you’re not skinny!
Why even bother sending that message to start with! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"In a similar vein
Why send a message starting with
It’s a shame .. examples I’ve had ..
It’s a shame you’re so far away,
It’s a shame you’re too old for me,
Shame you’re not skinny!
Why even bother sending that message to start with!"
Women just look at me, screw up their nose, and walk away shaking their head muttering “shame” .. |
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Replies saying “That’s a shame” don’t bother me.
I do have an irrational dislike of “That’s a shame, you’d have liked me” or “That’s a shame, you would have had a good time”. To me that has an implication that I’ve somehow made the wrong choice and deprived myself, when actually I know me better than they do.
That said it’s not as irritating as the reply of “Oh, I didn’t actually mean to send you that”. The implication to that is just rude. |
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