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Dad jokes please

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Hit me with you worst (best) jokes please

(I may shamelessly steal them

)

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you get if you put ducks in a cement mixer ?

Quacks in the pavement

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My dad caught me wanking and said “too much of that will send you blind”

I said “dad, I’m over here”

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"What do you get if you put ducks in a cement mixer ?

Quacks in the pavement

love that

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"My dad caught me wanking and said “too much of that will send you blind”

I said “dad, I’m over here” "

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call a man with leaves on his head ??

Russel

No ? Ok bye lol

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Two nuns in a bath one says to the other

“Wears the soap”

I’ll close the door on my way out

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Vin diesel eats 2 meals a day.

Breakfast and breakfurious

(This makes me laugh way more than it should)

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By *yron69Man over a year ago

Fareham

I found a website full of Dots and Ivy…

It was Instagran.

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By *ex HolesMan over a year ago

Up North

I was walking past a prison the other day and saw a dwarf climbing over the wall. Halfway down the wall he just turned and gave me a wink.

I thought that was a little condescending

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I was walking past a prison the other day and saw a dwarf climbing over the wall. Halfway down the wall he just turned and gave me a wink.

I thought that was a little condescending

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By *etcplCouple over a year ago

Gapping Fanny

Why do you never see an elephant hiding in a tree?

Because they are good at if!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What’s brown and green and if it fell out of a tree and landed on you would kill you?

A snooker table

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

How do you get a girls attention. A tractor.

2 guys walked into a bar. The 3rd guy managed to duck.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Poo jokes aren't my favourite.

But they are a solid number two

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By *ersey GirlCouple over a year ago

Glasgow

“Was driving along in my car when this guy stopped me he said “can you give me a lift” I said “sure, you look great and the worlds your oyster”

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By *ig_eric_tionMan over a year ago

IPSWICH

An English man, Irish man and Scots man walk into a pub... the landlord says . What's this, some kind of joke?

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By *ebjonnsonMan over a year ago

Maldon

Not a joke as such but I noticed earlier that the cover on my ironing board was creased, and I thought ‘what an irony’. Then the use of the word ‘irony’ made me laugh.

This will mean nothing to anyone under 40 - they don’t seem to iron anything .

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What’s yellow and goes up and down?

Banana in a lift

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I've just burnt my hawaian pizza.

I should have used alhoa temperature

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Why do you never see an elephant hiding in a tree?

Because they are good at if!"

Why do elephants paint their toes green. So they can hide in apple trees.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I got attacked running towards a bacon tree then realised it was a ham bush

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By *odgerMooreMan over a year ago

Carlisle

A few weeks ago my cat ate a ball of wool – I got up this morning and she’s had mittens!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call an alligator detective?

An investi-gator.

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By *erandHerManCouple over a year ago

Swindon

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It went down the road and turned into a field

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By *yron69Man over a year ago

Fareham

I love American fantasy comics. You’ve just got to Marvel at them…

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Did you here the one about butter?

Don't spread it

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By *ixedDevilMan over a year ago

Bootyville

What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow?

An animal that’s in a baaaaaaaaad moooooooood

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By *yron69Man over a year ago

Fareham

I think it’s brave of my gf to call herself Deepthroat…..it takes balls..

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By *hebritukCouple over a year ago

London

Having sex in a lift is wrong on so many levels.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I told my wife the doctor said I can touch myself whenever I want.

She replied “No, he said you could have a stroke at any time.”

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A husband has a gold coil fitted into his wife, why? So he can say he has cum into wealth!

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

I LOVE these! Lots of new ones

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By *odgerMooreMan over a year ago

Carlisle

"I LOVE these! Lots of new ones

Well its just after xmas cracker season!!

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By *yron69Man over a year ago

Fareham

A headless horseman galloped into a bar. Down in one…he just necked it..

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I LOVE these! Lots of new ones

Well its just after xmas cracker season!!

My fave jokes

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By *yron69Man over a year ago

Fareham

January sale on at Acme Landmines…it’s a clearance..

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"A headless horseman galloped into a bar. Down in one…he just necked it.."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Some say camping is relaxing, I personally find it intense

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What did the ocean say to the beach?

Nothing it just waved…

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By *odgerMooreMan over a year ago

Carlisle

How many paranoid people does it take to change a light bulb? Who’s asking and why?

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By *unfriends1976Couple over a year ago

Darlington

My wife is fed up with my constant word play joke. "How can I stop my addiction" I ask.

"Whatever means necessary" she said.

"No it doesn't" I said

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Son asked me what it was like to be married. I told him to leave me alone, then asked why he was ignoring me.

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By *yron69Man over a year ago

Fareham

Tony Hadley has released a new song about his love of seasoning meats. It’s called Through the Marinades.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What’s long, hard and full of seamen?

A submarine

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By *odgerMooreMan over a year ago

Carlisle

What’s Irish and stays out all night? Paddy O’Furniture….. here we go… now we’re cooking!!

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By *yron69Man over a year ago

Fareham

If Cat Stevens thinks Morning has Broken why doesn’t he just get up after 12..?

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"My wife is fed up with my constant word play joke. "How can I stop my addiction" I ask.

"Whatever means necessary" she said.

"No it doesn't" I said"

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By *aggy dollsCouple over a year ago

Bradford

A genie granted me one wish, so I said

"I just want to be happy."

Now I'm living in a cottage with 6

Other dwarves and working in a mine.

Mr Hayes.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Did you hear about the fight in the chip shop last night?

the fish got battered

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Did you hear about the fight in the chip shop last night?

the fish got battered"

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By *rumpyMcFuckNuggetMan over a year ago

Den of Iniquity

A dad is on the driveway washing the car with his son ....

His son says " Can't you use a Sponge "

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn’t like it.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn’t like it."

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By *ooking4othersMan over a year ago

Here ...

I got one wish so wished that I was happy ... now I live with 6 dwarves

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By *oah VailMan over a year ago

Dover

What’s made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?

A shoe!

Aithankyouverymuch.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"What’s made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?

A shoe!

Aithankyouverymuch.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What's green and smells like bacon... kermet the frogs cock

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I went to buy a new watch,

the guys says “analog”

I said “no, just a watch”

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Hit me with you worst (best) jokes please

(I may shamelessly steal them

Three grannies at a bus stop and a guy in a trench coat runs upto them, opens the coat and helicopters his tackle at them as he is naked under the coat.

The first granny has a stroke.

The second granny has a stroke.

But the third on can’t reach.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

I need cheering up, can I have more jokes please

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?

Tequila

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call Bears with no ears?

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By *r TriomanMan over a year ago

Chippenham Malmesbury area

What's the fastest thing on the seabed? A motor-pike and side-carp.

What's the difference between an otter and a stote? A weasel is weaserly recognized and a stoat is stotally different.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

How do you teach a tissue to dance ?

Put a boogie in it

It's bad isn't it?, I'll get my coat

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I've just been found guilty of not using full stops.

The judge has told me to expect a long sentence.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My grandad kept fit and was still having sex at 89. Which was handy as he stayed at 85.

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By *ezzelsMan over a year ago

cheshire and north wales

I went to Madame Tussard's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said, 'Keep her moving sir, we're stock-taking'

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By *iddlesticksMan over a year ago

My nan’s spare room.

I asked my dad why I kept going round in circles.

He said should up or he’d nail my other foot to the floor.

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By *yron69Man over a year ago

Fareham

"What's the fastest thing on the seabed? A motor-pike and side-carp.

Shouldn’t that be riverbed….?

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By *lairekTV/TS over a year ago

Manchester

Heard about the agnostic dyslexic?

Doesn't believe in the existence of dog.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A man was injured when a stack of books fell on him.

He only has his shelf to blame.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Barman says "We don't serve your kind here"

Timelord walks in to a bar.

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By *yron69Man over a year ago

Fareham

Every time I have a sneaky fag in the garden the wife catches me. Think there’s a grass?

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By *MCMan over a year ago

London/EA

Got sent to the hospital during a game of peekaboo..

They put me in the ICU

Sad news, my obese parrot died today.

Mind you, it's a huge weight off my

shoulders.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with Tennis.”

I replied, "That's 15 love."

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By *heRazorsEdgeMan over a year ago

Wales/ All over UK

A fellow Fab member asked me for a Double Entendre…..

…. So I gave her one

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A genie granted me one wish, so I said "I just want to be happy."

Now I'm living in a cottage with 6 dwarves and working in a mine.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My wife kicked me out the house because I kept incorrectly quoting The Terminator. But it's ok, I will return!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

what did the mexican fireman call his twin son's

hose A and hose B

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I said to my girlfriend, "If you continue stealing my cooking utensils, I'll move out!"

She just laughed and said... “That's a whisk I'm willing to take!"

That’s all I’ve got for today

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"So you want to divorce Minnie because she's rather silly?" Said the lawyer.

"No..." Said Mickey, "I said she was fucking Goofy!"

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By *yron69Man over a year ago

Fareham

So I pulled a bird, licked the pussy and flashed the old cock…were just three of the reasons I got sacked from Pets at Home.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

If the Silver Surfer and Iron man teamed up, they'd be alloys.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

how do you make a cat go woof

cover it in petrol and theow a lit match at it

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By *J and TCouple over a year ago

North Yorkshire

I was in Tesco earlier and this guy threw a block of cheese at me! Then he chucked a pot of yogurt at me! he then pored a pint of milk over my head!

I thought “How dairy”

I’ll get me coat

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Love all these

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By *oah VailMan over a year ago

Dover

Nelson was only 5’ 4” tall, but his statue in Trafalgar Square is 16’….

That’s Horatio of 3:1

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Nelson was only 5’ 4” tall, but his statue in Trafalgar Square is 16’….

That’s Horatio of 3:1

This wins the internet today

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Did you hear the one about the magic tractor? It turned into a field….

I’ll see my self out

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

At my book club, I wondered why they were throwing Stephen King novels around.

Then IT hit me!

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"At my book club, I wondered why they were throwing Stephen King novels around.

Then IT hit me!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"My dad caught me wanking and said “too much of that will send you blind”

I said “dad, I’m over here” "

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By *estmids71Man over a year ago

Wolverhampton

My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"how do you make a cat go woof

cover it in petrol and theow a lit match at it"

first laugh you’ve ever given me wonky.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Locked myself out, whispered through letterbox to cat on stairs

'Oi let me in'

Cat replied 'me ow'

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By *dog29Man over a year ago

hamilton

How can you tell if a mechanics just had sex?one of his fingers is clean

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By *ndyn50000Man over a year ago

Birmingham

What do you call a pony with a cough ...

.... a little hoarse

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why did the girl fall off the swing?

She had no arms.

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By *appy--DayzMan over a year ago

Northants & London

Do you know what really gets me down? Stairs.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Sex in an elevator - wrong on so many levels.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"How do you keep an idiot in suspense?"

Still waiting to find out

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

If I have 7 apples in this hand and 7 apples in this one what have I got............

Nope fooking big hands

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By *aucycouple85Couple over a year ago

Coalville

You guys hear about the new origami channel on sky??? It’s paper view!!

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By *ge_load_ladMan over a year ago

NW & Mids

If you have a big green ball in one hand and a big green ball in the other hand, what do you have?

The Hulks complete attention

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard?

Because his Visa didn’t work.

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By *ndyn50000Man over a year ago

Birmingham

"Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard?

Because his Visa didn’t work."

Surely that's Novax Djokovic

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard?

Because his Visa didn’t work."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard?

Because his Visa didn’t work.

Surely that's Novax Djokovic

I see what you did there

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By *urnedoutniceagainMan over a year ago

louth

I’ve got a stalker but you can’t really see it in these pants

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"how do you make a cat go woof

cover it in petrol and theow a lit match at it

first laugh you’ve ever given me wonky. "

And the last

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By *r SproutMan over a year ago

the middle

Why don't cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Everyone knows Karl Marx is a historically famous figure. But they always forget about his sister Onya who invented the starter pistol

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By *yron69Man over a year ago

Fareham

[Removed by poster at 15/01/22 18:00:51]

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By *yron69Man over a year ago

Fareham

Jack Frost goes into a bar and asks for a vodka.

Barman asks “want any ice?”

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I went the to doctors the other day and said “Dr, I feel like a wigwam and a teepee.”

He said “Your problem is you’re just two tense (tents)”

Boom boom

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By *he MuffinmanMan over a year ago

West Gloucestershire

Horse walks into a pub and asks for ‘a pint of lager and a bag of crisps’.

Landlord says…. ‘Why the long face’?

Bear walks into the same pub and says ‘can I have a pint of lager and a……..(long pause given) …….. bag of crips’.

Land lord says ‘why the big pause (paws)’?

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By *he MuffinmanMan over a year ago

West Gloucestershire

"Everyone knows Karl Marx is a historically famous figure. But they always forget about his sister Onya who invented the starter pistol"

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By *iss KissWoman over a year ago

near Coventry

My dad is a joke

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By *ewbloke78Man over a year ago

Braintree

Two oranges walk into a pub, one of them says, "you're round"!

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By *dog29Man over a year ago

hamilton

What do bees do when they have to travel?

They go to the buzz stop

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"What do bees do when they have to travel?

They go to the buzz stop

Very good

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By *idnight RamblerMan over a year ago

Pershore

A chap goes to his GP and says "Doc, I keep dreaming I'm making love to biscuits"

"Well now," says the Doc "to get an accurate diagnosis we need to first determine the kind of biscuits. Are they digestive biscuits with a chocolate coat?"

"Definitely not" says the man.

"Are they the ones with a custard filling?"

"Nope"

"So are they dry biscuits you eat with cheese?"

"YES!!" says the man, "thems the ones".

"Well there it is" says the Doc "you're fucking crackers".

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By *dog29Man over a year ago

hamilton

[Removed by poster at 16/01/22 13:15:35]

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By *dog29Man over a year ago

hamilton

"What do bees do when they have to travel?

They go to the buzz stop

Very good

Thank you..my daughter told me this last night so kinda the opposite of a dad joke really but I found it funny lol

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"What do bees do when they have to travel?

They go to the buzz stop

Very good

Thank you..my daughter told me this last night so kinda the opposite of a dad joke really but I found it funny lol"

It’s allowed

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What did Spartacus say when the lion ate his wife?

Nothing, he was gladiator.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 16/01/22 13:48:29]

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I was hiking yesterday when suddenly I ran into a cougar.

Almost made me puma pants.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

An American comes to visit and wants to play golf, but doesn't know anyone. In the clubhouse he asks around and a little fella says I'll play you if you like, meet me here at 9am, but I might be half hour late.

He's on time, turns up with a set of left handed clubs and destroys the American. They agree to play again the next day and the fella says I'll play you at 9am, but I might be half an hour late.

9am and the guy turns up with a set of right handed clubs and, again, beats the American soundly. The American says how do you choose your clubs and play so well? He says; "in the morning I get up and if my wife is lying on her rights side I take the right handed clubs and if she's lying on her left side I take the left handed ones. The American asks "what if she's lying on her back" the fella says "I'll be half an hour late"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?

Rick O'Shea.

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By *yron69Man over a year ago

Fareham

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer for £4.

Barman says “That’s £4.20 sir “.

Man says “Your charging me 20p more than priced!”.

Barman says “But we’re a crafty ale bar sir..”

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I was hiking yesterday when suddenly I ran into a cougar.

Almost made me puma pants."

This made me laugh out loud

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I was hiking yesterday when suddenly I ran into a cougar.

Almost made me puma pants.

This made me laugh out loud

I thought you’d like it

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I was hiking yesterday when suddenly I ran into a cougar.

Almost made me puma pants.

This made me laugh out loud

I thought you’d like it

We have a similar sense of humour

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

So I heard the guy who invented anagrams passed away today...

May he erect a penis.

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By *escourtesMan over a year ago

hereford

A guy walks up to the bar, barman says what you drinking Donkey?

I says to guy why does he always call you Donkey?

Guy replies I dunno, Hee aww Hee aww He always calls me Donkey....

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"So I heard the guy who invented anagrams passed away today...

May he erect a penis."

Hahahaha

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By *oelDorianMan over a year ago

vanaheim

You hear about the unsharpened spear? It was pointless

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By *UGGYBEAR2015Man over a year ago

BRIDPORT

Paddy’s wife goes into labour so he rushes her to hospital.

The midwife turns to Paddy and says ‘Is she dilated?’

‘Oh bejesus yes’ says Paddy

‘We’re both over the feckin’ moon’.

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By *escourtesMan over a year ago

hereford

I went to see the doctor today, I said oh doctor its awful one minute I think Im Mickey Mouse next minute I think Im Pluto.

Doctor says...How long have you been having theses disney spells....

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I went to see the doctor today, I said oh doctor its awful one minute I think Im Mickey Mouse next minute I think Im Pluto.

Doctor says...How long have you been having theses disney spells....

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By *ubwife4uCouple over a year ago

Kent

"Why do you never see an elephant hiding in a tree?

Because they are good at if!

Why do elephants paint their toes green. So they can hide in apple trees."

And what’s the loudest noise in the forest?

Natives picking apples.

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By *ickeyblueeyes7Man over a year ago

newport

How do you get 4 elephants in a mini

2 in the front 2 in the back

How do you get 4 giraffes in a mini

You can’t the elephants are still in there

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"How do you get 4 elephants in a mini

2 in the front 2 in the back

How do you get 4 giraffes in a mini

You can’t the elephants are still in there "

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By *ickeyblueeyes7Man over a year ago

newport

"How do you get 4 elephants in a mini

2 in the front 2 in the back

How do you get 4 giraffes in a mini

You can’t the elephants are still in there

How can you tell when there’s an elephant in the bath tub with you

By the smell of peanuts on his breath

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By *histle do nicelyMan over a year ago

Glasgow South

I asked the nurse will I be able to wank after my COVID Jag..she said yes but you best go home first ha!

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By *estmids71Man over a year ago

Wolverhampton

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, an American, an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry" says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group. "But you can't come in here without a Thai".

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By *agerMorganMan over a year ago

Canvey Island

My dad tried to catch fog.

Mist

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By *estmids71Man over a year ago

Wolverhampton

Novak Djokovic the only tennis player to be knocked out of the Australian Open after missing two shots.....

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By *estmids71Man over a year ago

Wolverhampton

In a new shock, England Cricket Board have hired Novak Djokovic as batting coach.

It's acknowledged that Djokovic has no prior batting or cricket background but they could not overlook the fact it took two weeks for the Aussies to get him out......

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By *eliz NelsonMan over a year ago

The Tantric Tea Shop

A Higgs Bosun particle walked into a church

The priest said 'sorry but you can't come in here!'

The higgs bosun said 'well without me you can't have mass!

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By *rishchazMan over a year ago

london

What did the male haggis say to the female haggis?

Shaggis

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

I scared the postman today by showing up to the door completely naked.

I'm not sure what scared him more, the fact that I was naked or that I knew where he lived

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By *hunderace...Man over a year ago

Dudley

Conjunctivitis.com

Now there's a site for sore eyes...

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By *hisisntpofMan over a year ago

bristol

Viagara eye drops,make you look hard

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By *ooBulMan over a year ago

Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’

Q: Why did the brunette take up cross fit training?

A: She wanted to hear heavy breathing.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

I saw my wife, slightly d*unk, yelling at

the TV:

"Don't go in there! Don't go in

the church, you moron!"

She is watching our wedding video

again.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I saw my wife, slightly d*unk, yelling at

the TV:

"Don't go in there! Don't go in

the church, you moron!"

She is watching our wedding video

again."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I asked my wife if I am the only one she has ever been with.

She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I asked my wife if I am the only one she has ever been with.

She said yes, all the others were nines and tens."

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By *aliceWoman over a year ago

Birmingham

I was working at the returns desk at a supermarket when a man walked up and put a disposable barbecue on the desk.

'I purchased two of these but they're faulty and I'd like to know if I can get a refund' he said

'What's wrong with them?' I asked.

'Well, I opened this one to use it but there's no food inside' he said, pointing to the picture on the front

'Oh, that's just for illustrative purposes' I explained, 'the food isn't included. But as a gesture of good will I'll refund them. Wheres the other one sir?'

'It's at home in the freezer'

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By *ease2017Man over a year ago

Leicester

Mum used to hit me with a camera......

Now I get flashbacks

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By *iman2100Man over a year ago

Glasgow

A mad man escaped from the asylum assaulted some women in a launderette and ran off. The headline in our local paper was "Nut screws washers and bolts!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call a footballer who can never get enough vegetables?

Mo salad

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By *idnight RamblerMan over a year ago

Pershore

What do you call a cross between an elephant and a rhino?

'ell if I know

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By *yron69Man over a year ago

Fareham

"A mad man escaped from the asylum assaulted some women in a launderette and ran off. The headline in our local paper was "Nut screws washers and bolts!""

That would even be rejected by Jim Davidson..

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By *iman2100Man over a year ago

Glasgow

"A mad man escaped from the asylum assaulted some women in a launderette and ran off. The headline in our local paper was "Nut screws washers and bolts!"

That would even be rejected by Jim Davidson.."

Deep sadness.

My apologies.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My wife told me sex is better on holiday

I wasn’t expecting that on the postcard she sent from Greece

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By *escourtesMan over a year ago

hereford

Why arnt there any painkillers in the jungle?

Cos the Parrotseatemall....

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they'd be Bagels!

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