FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Giving up, knowing when to walk away and the ability to do it.
Giving up, knowing when to walk away and the ability to do it.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Why is it hard and what can you do to help yourself move forward with gusto?
When something isn’t working out for you or someone isn’t showing interest or effort what things can you do or tell yourself to be like nah I’m worth more than this so I’m done and then you just leave it where it is?
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Unfortunately, I can't offer any advice.
I'm fortunate that I have always been able to say "sorry this isn't working", however much it hurts.
All I can say is thst the sooner you are able to say it, the sooner you heal and can move forward.
I know that's probably no help at all ...  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Right now it takes me no time at all.
I'm too old to be investing time in someone who isn't interested in me the same way. If they don't want it, and I sense that it's over for me 
I find that after a few weeks it gets a lot easier to process it all as well |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I tell myself that my dignity means more to me than any man.
I have pretty strong boundaries though.
It’s not easy and I’ve been there. But walking away is the only option. |
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I’m not sure as I’ve honestly always been the type of person where if someone doesn’t want me I won’t want them. I need the mutual attraction, the I want you as much as you want me thing. Otherwise it just doesn’t work for me. This is why I’ve never understood the obsessive/bunny boiler thing. I just couldn’t want someone in that way if they didn’t want me. Not sure that helps though really  . Good to see you back though  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I’m not sure as I’ve honestly always been the type of person where if someone doesn’t want me I won’t want them. I need the mutual attraction, the I want you as much as you want me thing. Otherwise it just doesn’t work for me. This is why I’ve never understood the obsessive/bunny boiler thing. I just couldn’t want someone in that way if they didn’t want me. Not sure that helps though really . Good to see you back though "
Exactly this. Unless you’re on the same page then it’s only going to end in heartache. |
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The thing is you need to own it and take the bull by the horns and do it. It can be crap for the other person, so if you can try and turn it into something mutual so its a win-win with everyone leaving with their dignity. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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There was a time where I couldn’t tell you as I was head over heels In love
Now days with being so broken and unable to be fixed
To be honest I don’t give my hart to anyone now so it’s relatively easy for me to say it’s not working out and just walk away
That includeds family and all
Someone so broken and who’s lost the one thing they really cared about then it’s easy to walk away |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It might be something they say after I've asked a question - that becomes the deciding factor for me to shut the door and walk in different direction (so to speak) |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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This isn’t anything deep or formed bonds. I’ve already beaten what my old self would’ve done.
Just gotta keep believing what’s meant for me won’t pass me by. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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There's no magic answer to this I'm afraid. It's almost like a light bulb moment in my experience  you suddenly wake up one day and think wtf am I doing? I'm worth more than this! Then finish your thoughts with flick of the hair as you go about the rest of your life  |
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I think it's probably my age but I'm savage. I'm not interested (nor do I have the time) in investing my "self" in someone who isn't interested in me. I do however value friendship and if someone was offering that I'd happily take it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It begins with self love, self appreciation and self awareness.
Happiness does not come in the form of another, but from within.
This kind of happiness then attracts the right kind and leaves others behind. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I’m quite brutal. If I think something or someone isn’t worth my time and effort. I’ll just walk away and remove all things related to it/them. "
^ this. I'm clinical. All connections with person is blocked; any existing photos of other person and I are deleted and I distract myself with other things or person(s) not necessarily in a sexual sense neither.
I've had a recent experience with something similar. If someone wants you in their life badly enough, they'll make the time for you. If not, they are not worthy of YOUR time. Huge hugs because it still hurts nonetheless, OP. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It hurts so much when your awake at night and them next you. Inside your head you want to tell them, you’ve had enough or why are you even trying. It winds you at work, and your head more.
I was in relationship and the physical side/connection dried up. I did ask why and got told ‘will work on’ and this was the same answer every year. Nothing changed. Im talking 4 plus years of not even a sexual touch/etc
I eventually couldnt take it much more so just pulled the plug. As it was making me upset but now ive got my self back to normal and plodding on (my hand still works so thats gotta do)
Think of you! Do you wanna be dragged down? Or do you wanna strive forward. Invest in yourself and things will get better without them, plus someone else on your level may come along too |
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By *iger4uWoman
over a year ago
In my happy place |
I don't let anyone affect me in a way where my self worth is challenged.
So I might appear brutal, but I cut people off when it's not working, both in fan friendship and real life.
Don't waste time on something with no legs in it. |
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Depends on the type of relationship, friends, I just accept that's how they are and treat them how they treat me, don't expect too much, enjoy the time spent with them on an equal footing.
Romantic interests, they might get a second chance if they're lucky, but if they're behaviour doesn't change, that's it. Cut them off. I've blocked quite a few people recently after many years of bad behaviour and habits. It's very liberating. |
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Its a learned habit I think, made hard by when people you think are genuine taking you for a fool. It's not till you take a step back and realise the toxicity that is present that the steps to walk away are made easier.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Having boundaries, expressing them, if the other person doesn't align with or respect them then that's your decision made.
You may lose them but you gain yourself x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The reason it's hard is as someone mentioned above, you have put in lots of time, effort and emotion into it already and you don't want to see that going waste. It is human nature.
Have you confessed about the situation to your close friend or relative? I was in a bad marriage. Though it was going nowhere, we both were holding on to it for no reason. Once I opened up to my friends and they all adviced me to move on, it turned out that it was a straightforward decision. Sometimes, hearing what you know already deep inside from someone else helps. |
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We are looking for top shelf memories rather than standard sex so to get that connection we want to chat to people to get to know them.
If people can’t be bothered with that or the conversation drops to levels where you feel they are plate spinning, we walk away.
Our self worth is worth much more…
We’ve walked away from a lot of chats when we’ve established we are in a queue.
If people are keen to meet you then they’ll keep in touch. We aren’t looking for constant interaction but it’s not hard to see when the level drops to losing interest stage.
K |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"There's no magic answer to this I'm afraid. It's almost like a light bulb moment in my experience you suddenly wake up one day and think wtf am I doing? I'm worth more than this! Then finish your thoughts with flick of the hair as you go about the rest of your life "
This for me, except I've haven't got long hair to flick
And I generally have a break from here and focus on my fitness /and myself. |
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If someone makes you feel worthless and makes no effort well they ain't for you. At the end of the day effort is a two way thing! Why let someone treat you like you are second best, When you should love yourself more and get what you deserve the best.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If it was an activity or say something you were eating, and you weren't enjoying doing it anymore you would just stop wouldnt you. We just have to apply the same logic to people. If its not enjoyable just stop doing/thinking it. Helps to focus on something that would irritate you about them, there is always something, and just know that would have driven you mad about them anyway, and think its a relief they are no longer there. |
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By *ancer36Woman
over a year ago
Stirling |
Time is far to precious to waste on those who clearly don’t appreciate you, never settle because something is half of what you want or it’s convenient there is nothing worse than being strung along, there’s a difference between compromise and everything being one sided
Always know your own worth and don’t take any shit!
X |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Think of what you’d tell your daughter when she’s older. You’re her role-model in all of this. Show her that it’s not ok to be poorly treated by men ... or anyone x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Think of what you’d tell your daughter when she’s older. You’re her role-model in all of this. Show her that it’s not ok to be poorly treated by men ... or anyone x"
Teach her not to be the kind of person that mistreats people for her own gain.
Value a man that treats you good. |
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It's not always easy, especially if you actually 'like' the person. This happened to me recently - he'll probably read this later.
If you spend time thinking 'this isn't FABulous - I want to feel more important and I bloody well deserve to', then just deal with it. Say what needs to be said and move positively forward. You'll respect yourself and whether they do or don't is utterly irrelevant.
This is meant to be fun - one person's ego trip is not worth toxic feelings of let down and disappointment. |
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I am complete and happy in myself, I'm not looking for anyone to complete me, fix me or make me happy, and I think that makes a huge difference to how easily I walk away.
I want to spend my time and my energy on the people who matter to me, people who enrich my life. I will never need attention or validation badly enough to debase myself trying to get it from someone who patently doesn't give a damn.
If someone isn't showing interest in me then I'm not going to waste my time trying to force them to notice me. Life is far too short and I'd rather be off having a laugh with those who do value me. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Close the door and remember there are plenty more to open..
I always add a bad trait/behaviour in somebody to a “list” and remember to walk away from someone new at the first sign of it, before I’m too invested. Self preservation and respect. |
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I'm at the point in life where I'm not willing to invest time in people that don't see my value. I know what I bring to the table and if people don't want to indulge then I will move on quickly without any hesitation and no matter who they are. |
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I did that years ago. Waste time on someone (more than once). In the end it was not worth it and I moved on. Odd but they seemed to sense this and tried to turn things around but I wasn't having it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Why is it hard and what can you do to help yourself move forward with gusto?
When something isn’t working out for you or someone isn’t showing interest or effort what things can you do or tell yourself to be like nah I’m worth more than this so I’m done and then you just leave it where it is?
Share…"
What I did was begin to concentrate on me….removed everything that reminded me of them….began new hobbies that I had always been interested in….found something to improve on….body image or fitness goals and always told myself everyday whilst staring in a mirror that I’m worth more and will always be the better person!
After 4 months of tears and ice cream mind you….but I got there!  |
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"There's no magic answer to this I'm afraid. It's almost like a light bulb moment in my experience you suddenly wake up one day and think wtf am I doing? I'm worth more than this! Then finish your thoughts with flick of the hair as you go about the rest of your life "
I agree with this too...and you always come out the other side more stronger too... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'm at the point in life where I'm not willing to invest time in people that don't see my value. I know what I bring to the table and if people don't want to indulge then I will move on quickly without any hesitation and no matter who they are. "
Might steal this for my profile |
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"Time is far to precious to waste on those who clearly don’t appreciate you, never settle because something is half of what you want or it’s convenient there is nothing worse than being strung along, there’s a difference between compromise and everything being one sided
Always know your own worth and don’t take any shit!
X"
Amen sister x |
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"I'm at the point in life where I'm not willing to invest time in people that don't see my value. I know what I bring to the table and if people don't want to indulge then I will move on quickly without any hesitation and no matter who they are.
Might steal this for my profile "
If you quote me it's ok |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I did that years ago. Waste time on someone (more than once). In the end it was not worth it and I moved on. Odd but they seemed to sense this and tried to turn things around but I wasn't having it."
It’s always the way, isn’t it?
Anyway, you did the right thing |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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For me it comes very easily. When most ppl have shown little to no interest in me despite all that ive given them, its extremely easy for me to simply say "okay well fuck you then" and mosey on my way, just not worth my time.
I can understand why it can be hard for some ppl, those who are so used to being included, wanted, sought after, chased around by so many, when it comes to your turn to do the seeking and making an effort, its hard to see the dead end and move on. For some, its hard to accept that they simply dont have it all |
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If you always do what you’ve always done you will always get what you’ve always got..
You need to break the repetitive chain. Close the door and do not reopen to the same mistakes. Otherwise you are cheating your own self esteem and dignity, time after time …. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I’ve got a one strike rule.
If someone makes me feel shit about myself, or is unkind/manipulative, whatever, then that’s it.
I’m not tolerating it. It’s about making a decision and sticking to it. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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It wasn’t anything deep. Hadn’t even got to the meeting part. Wasn’t fab related but just general chat which went a bit flirty. I made my interest very clear but he didn’t respond to the message, just read it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It wasn’t anything deep. Hadn’t even got to the meeting part. Wasn’t fab related but just general chat which went a bit flirty. I made my interest very clear but he didn’t respond to the message, just read it. "
Doesn’t have to be deep. Don’t have to have met. Choose your boundaries and stick to them. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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My thing is making it more than what it is in my head and I gotta stop doing that. I think of the possibilities and get carried away with it so feels a bit sucky and it’s all the end of year shit as well. Always get a bit down around New Years, feel like another year where absolutely fuck all has happened other than another year older another year passed it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"My thing is making it more than what it is in my head and I gotta stop doing that. I think of the possibilities and get carried away with it so feels a bit sucky and it’s all the end of year shit as well. Always get a bit down around New Years, feel like another year where absolutely fuck all has happened other than another year older another year passed it. "
You've come a very long way from where you were a year ago. You're a different person with new experiences. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"My thing is making it more than what it is in my head and I gotta stop doing that. I think of the possibilities and get carried away with it so feels a bit sucky and it’s all the end of year shit as well. Always get a bit down around New Years, feel like another year where absolutely fuck all has happened other than another year older another year passed it.
You've come a very long way from where you were a year ago. You're a different person with new experiences. "
Can feel myself slipping back. Right it’s someone’s absolute right to decide that they don’t want anything from you I know this. Also why would I even want to try and claw something outta someone if they don’t want to freely give it. I know all this. Think I’m just a bit annoyed as they were quite heavy on the flirting and then as soon as I said look I like you kind of thing, nothing radio silence. Not even a aww thanks but I’m not interested. But then it’s like why flirt in the first place then and keep responding. Ahh fuck it. |
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I think with me I've got this thing where I "have to give it my best or I'm not being the best me I can be"
I don't need to do that.
I don't ALWAYS have to give my all to be able to hold my head up high. I can hold my head up high and walk away when things make me uncomfortable or my gut gives me a spidey sense. (I'm pep talking myself here)
Fuck, I've stayed in abusive relationships because I've wanted to "try every angle, and give every opportunityfor things to work out" to know when it's time to quit.
Enough.
It's hard to "give up" when it's in your nature to fight, whe all you've known all upur life is fight, when literally surviving has been a fight. Not every battle is there to be fought, coz some just aren't worth it. |
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"My thing is making it more than what it is in my head and I gotta stop doing that. I think of the possibilities and get carried away with it so feels a bit sucky and it’s all the end of year shit as well. Always get a bit down around New Years, feel like another year where absolutely fuck all has happened other than another year older another year passed it.
You've come a very long way from where you were a year ago. You're a different person with new experiences.
Can feel myself slipping back. Right it’s someone’s absolute right to decide that they don’t want anything from you I know this. Also why would I even want to try and claw something outta someone if they don’t want to freely give it. I know all this. Think I’m just a bit annoyed as they were quite heavy on the flirting and then as soon as I said look I like you kind of thing, nothing radio silence. Not even a aww thanks but I’m not interested. But then it’s like why flirt in the first place then and keep responding. Ahh fuck it. "
Men can be complete idiots when it comes to this sort of thing, quite often guys will flirt because it’s easy and carefree… but then absolutely shit themselves when a beautiful woman (and you ARE) calls their bluff…
If you have a particular type of guy you’re showing an interest in and it keeps happening, maybe it’s time to consider changing what you’re looking for a little?… |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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It’s just the rudeness or the switch I don’t understand. Like prior to this would ALWAYS message back. Was very flirty suggestive the other night and even today was answering pretty swiftly then I was flat out blunt as you like said I fancied him and nothing was read hours ago and nothing. I know I’m not owed anything and it’s peoples right to do whatever, just if there was no interest why respond all those times in the first place. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think with me I've got this thing where I "have to give it my best or I'm not being the best me I can be"
I don't need to do that.
I don't ALWAYS have to give my all to be able to hold my head up high. I can hold my head up high and walk away when things make me uncomfortable or my gut gives me a spidey sense. (I'm pep talking myself here)
Fuck, I've stayed in abusive relationships because I've wanted to "try every angle, and give every opportunityfor things to work out" to know when it's time to quit.
Enough.
It's hard to "give up" when it's in your nature to fight, whe all you've known all upur life is fight, when literally surviving has been a fight. Not every battle is there to be fought, coz some just aren't worth it."
This!!!!! Completely this.
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"It’s just the rudeness or the switch I don’t understand. Like prior to this would ALWAYS message back. Was very flirty suggestive the other night and even today was answering pretty swiftly then I was flat out blunt as you like said I fancied him and nothing was read hours ago and nothing. I know I’m not owed anything and it’s peoples right to do whatever, just if there was no interest why respond all those times in the first place. "
Because by actually saying you fancied him, you turned it from his easy little head play into something very real… if I was to guess then I’d say this guy is full of bravado but doesn’t actually want to be tied into anything resembling a relationship at all |
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"It’s just the rudeness or the switch I don’t understand. Like prior to this would ALWAYS message back. Was very flirty suggestive the other night and even today was answering pretty swiftly then I was flat out blunt as you like said I fancied him and nothing was read hours ago and nothing. I know I’m not owed anything and it’s peoples right to do whatever, just if there was no interest why respond all those times in the first place. "
Sounds like he just wants fun and nothing else, although he could have been honest and said that instead of just going quiet on you but it's just the way some people are. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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It’s all cool. I’ve had a very valid reason I’m not going to disclose but I believe it and am happy with his answer. Case closed.
A lesson to anyone going through similar that has a tendency to blame themselves or think they aren’t good enough when someone stops contact, it’s never you. It’s whatever issue they personally have going on in their lives. |
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"It’s all cool. I’ve had a very valid reason I’m not going to disclose but I believe it and am happy with his answer. Case closed.
A lesson to anyone going through similar that has a tendency to blame themselves or think they aren’t good enough when someone stops contact, it’s never you. It’s whatever issue they personally have going on in their lives. "
I’m glad you’ve had an explanation, good to hear that you know that you ARE good enough |
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"It’s all cool. I’ve had a very valid reason I’m not going to disclose but I believe it and am happy with his answer. Case closed.
A lesson to anyone going through similar that has a tendency to blame themselves or think they aren’t good enough when someone stops contact, it’s never you. It’s whatever issue they personally have going on in their lives. "
I beat myself up daily, life is a constant struggle and full of wtf moments.
At least you know now though what the reason was. |
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"I’ve got a one strike rule.
If someone makes me feel shit about myself, or is unkind/manipulative, whatever, then that’s it.
I’m not tolerating it. It’s about making a decision and sticking to it. "
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"It’s all cool. I’ve had a very valid reason I’m not going to disclose but I believe it and am happy with his answer. Case closed.
A lesson to anyone going through similar that has a tendency to blame themselves or think they aren’t good enough when someone stops contact, it’s never you. It’s whatever issue they personally have going on in their lives.
I beat myself up daily, life is a constant struggle and full of wtf moments.
At least you know now though what the reason was. "
Yeah. That’s why it was confusing as well cos I felt like it was reciprocated, like mutual attraction and interest on both sides so when he stopped responding I was like what the hell have I done.
Was hours after where I had a massive explanation and it’s stuff in his own personal life, nothing to do with me.
When it’s happening though it’s hard not to blame yourself but if you trust your gut and know that you wasn’t feeling something for nothing and if it stops with no explanation (I’m lucky I had one but most people don’t) it’s something going on with the person and not you at all. |
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