FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Dad jokes please
Dad jokes please
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Hit me with your dad jokes please 
(Yes, I might steal them, and I’m not even sorry  ) |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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l asked a pirate what makes him the angriest?
He said when someone steals his p... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Here is mine.
" "
Try stealing that one.  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Here is mine.
" "
Try stealing that one. "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Why don’t eggs tell jokes?… it cracks them up |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Why don’t eggs tell jokes?… it cracks them up "
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Continuing your theme...
Why are pirates so angry?
Because they aaarrrggghhh.. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Like cracker jokes? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Continuing your theme...
Why are pirates so angry?
Because they aaarrrggghhh.. "
What’s a pirates favourite football team? Aaaaarsenal |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Like cracker jokes?"
Whatever you find funny, but I am a fan of rubbish dad jokes |
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By *ai24Man
over a year ago
Hull |
What do you call a lady on top of a house?
Ruth….. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"What do you call a lady on top of a house?
Ruth….. "
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By *ai24Man
over a year ago
Hull |
What do you call a man with no ankles?
Tony.
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What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh
Hmmm I think it works better said aloud |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I've been thinking of selling John Lennon memorabilia on ebay. Imagine all the paypal! |
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What do you call a man with a shovel on his head?
Doug.
What do you call a man without a shovel on his head?
Douglas. |
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By *ai24Man
over a year ago
Hull |
What do you call a man between two houses?
Ali.
I can only apologise! |
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By *iggettMan
over a year ago
gorey |
How do you get a squirrel to like you?
Act like a nut. |
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Why were the bakers hands brown?
Because he kneaded a poo.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A drum kit falls off of a cliff. Badum boom tsshh! |
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By *ost SockMan
over a year ago
West Wales and Cardiff |
What’s brown and smells of poo?
…Gordon Brown having a poo. |
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What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
A do you think he saurus. |
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"What do you call a man with a shovel on his head?
Doug.
What do you call a man without a shovel on his head?
Douglas."
You beat me to it with these |
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My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Loving all these |
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Why can't pirates say the alphabet?
Because they are always stuck at c. |
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By *ai24Man
over a year ago
Hull |
I like windmills.
I’m actually a really big fan…. |
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What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A slipper. |
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The Mrs left me because of my fetish for pasta…
Now I’m feeling cannelloni…
Ahem |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"l asked a pirate what makes him the angriest?
He said when someone steals his p..."
Clever! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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My mate didn’t believe me when I said I was going to make a bicycle out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face when I rode pasta. |
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What do call a deer with no eyes?
No idea.  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"What do call a deer with no eyes?
No idea. "
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea… |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Did you hear about the magic tractor?
Turned into a field |
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Someone found a hole in the wall of a swingers club..
The police are looking into it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Two snowmen in a field. One turns to the other and asks ‘can you smell carrots?’ |
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Time for a classic,
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk. |
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Local police have had the wheels stolen from all their cars. The chief constable has said they are working tirelessly to find the offenders. |
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What do you call a fish wearing a bow tie?
Sofishticated |
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By *inell1Man
over a year ago
Ipswich |
My wife didn't believe I could make a car out of spaghetti until I drove pasta |
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My child has been learning Spanish in school for a while and still cannot say “please” which, I think, is poor for four |
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Me: I just took my wife to the Caribbean…
Mate: Jamaica?
Me: nah, she wanted to come….
D. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I suffer from kleptomania, however, when it gets really bad, I take something for it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My girlfriend told me I was bad in bed
I told her it was unfair to make a judgment in less than a minute |
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What’s the difference between a Scotsman and Walt Disney? A Scotsman wears a kilt and Walt Disney |
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Two nuns in a bath.. one Says where's the soap.. the other replies.. yes it does doesn't it. |
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Why didn’t Rudolph and blitzen sell on eBay?
Because they were two deer (thank you Xmas cracker) |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I LOVE all these |
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What do you call a penguin in the desert?!
Lost!
Jo.Xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What did the cannibal choose as his last meal?
Five Guys |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My new Christmas jumper had a problem with static so I returned it…
They gave me a new one free of charge |
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By *L2021Couple
over a year ago
manchester |
What do you call somebody with no body and just a nose……
No body knows |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What's the stickiest bird...
The velcrow |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow “can I say a word” she replies “please do”
The man clears his throat and says “Bargain”
The widow replies “Thanks, that means a great deal” |
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Why are men with small dicks like floor tiles?
Because once you lay them
You can walk all over them . |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Did you know, before crowbars were invented, crows just drank at home |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The genie asked, "What's your first
wish?"
Steve answered, "I wish I was
rich!" The genie continued, "What's
your second wish?"
"I want a nice long life," said Rich |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Did you know, before crowbars were invented, crows just drank at home "
Yoink!
I’ve just nicked that one |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do call a hippy blokes wife?..
Mississippi |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"The genie asked, "What's your first
wish?"
Steve answered, "I wish I was
rich!" The genie continued, "What's
your second wish?"
"I want a nice long life," said Rich"
This has made me laugh out loud |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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[Removed by poster at 28/12/21 12:45:04] |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The genie asked, "What's your first
wish?"
Steve answered, "I wish I was
rich!" The genie continued, "What's
your second wish?"
"I want a nice long life," said Rich
This has made me laugh out loud "
I can’t claim it as my own. I follow a dad jokes page on Twitter |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My wife asked me to put ketchup on
the shopping list.
Now I can't read anything |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"My wife asked me to put ketchup on
the shopping list.
Now I can't read anything"
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By *ost SockMan
over a year ago
West Wales and Cardiff |
What’s orange and makes a noise like a parrot?
…..a carrot. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"What’s orange and makes a noise like a parrot?
…..a carrot."
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Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m Shane MacGowan!
Well so could anyone. |
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I got a globe for Christmas, then found out my neighbour received the same..
It’s a small world.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A guy goes to the doctor.
I touch my head it hurts.
I touch my leg it hurts.
I touch everything, it just hurts.
Doctor says. You've broke your finger. |
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What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef………. |
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Why are pirates called pirates?
Cause they aaaarrrrrgh……….. |
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How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh?
Nothing cause it’s on the house……… |
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Just got hospitalised due to a peekaboo incident
They put me in ICU…………… |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Just got hospitalised due to a peekaboo incident
They put me in ICU……………"
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By *rogalCouple
over a year ago
Falkirk |
A man was trying to sell his dogging equipment on eBay.
Had no buyers but there was 20 people watching... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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two canibals eating a clown, one says to the other, this taste funny to you? |
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I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"A man was trying to sell his dogging equipment on eBay.
Had no buyers but there was 20 people watching..."
Brilliant |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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How do you keep an idiot in suspense |
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You heard the rumour going around about butter??
…never-mind I shouldn’t spread it. |
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"A guy goes to the doctor.
I touch my head it hurts.
I touch my leg it hurts.
I touch everything, it just hurts.
Doctor says. You've broke your finger."
I went to the doctor and said “it hurts when I do this.”
He said, so don’t do it. |
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"I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa."
Telling dad jokes during sex improves your fertility by convincing God you’re ready for children.
Cunt argue with that. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Bumping for more jokes please |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My friend Joe recently went on the
Dolly Parton diet..
It really made Joe lean |
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By *MCMan
over a year ago
London/EA |
Just got hospitalised from a peekaboo accident.
They put me in the ICU |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he'd walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.
I'm sure he'll come around, eventually. |
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By *oon999Man
over a year ago
romford |
What do you call a cat that’s swallowed a duck?
A duck filled fatty puss |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I just saw this guy with a didgeridoo , playing dancing queen ..
I thought , thats abba-riginal |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Two fish are in a tank
One turns to the other and asks
“How do you drive this thing?” |
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By *eardybobMan
over a year ago
the Goldilocks Zone |
"Continuing your theme...
Why are pirates so angry?
Because they aaarrrggghhh..
What’s a pirates favourite football team? Aaaaarsenal"
Why can't pirates use painkillers?
Cause their parrots eat em all  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A dyslexic person walks into a bra |
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My gf said she was leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkees - i said ‘ are you joking??’ Then I saw her face….. now I’m a believer!!! |
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I asked a girl to meet me at the gym today for our first date. She didn't show up. That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out.  |
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By *r_BigHeadMan
over a year ago
The Naughty Step (aka Northampton) |
Have you seen the movie 'Constipation'?
It hasn't come out yet! |
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Relationships are a lot like maths. Have you ever looked at your X and just wondered Y? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Love it |
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My new girlfriend told me I'm terrible in bed.
I told her it was unfair to make a judgement in less than a minute |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Wife to therapist: I get so fed up of him getting commonly-known phrases so wrong all of the time.
Me: For God's sake, Linda, cry me a table. |
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Almost all garden gnomes wear red hats.
It's a well gnome fact. |
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By *otMe66Man
over a year ago
Terra Firma |
2 nuns walking through a cemetery, the devil appears licking his lips when he sees them. The first nun turns to the second and says show him your cross Mary!
Mary screams f**k off ya b*stard |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you get if you hit dwayne Johnson in the butt ????????
You hit rock bottom |
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By *eardybobMan
over a year ago
the Goldilocks Zone |
[Removed by poster at 29/12/21 15:17:28] |
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By *eardybobMan
over a year ago
the Goldilocks Zone |
I was just grabbing a lynx can to demonstrate the size of my cock in a pic, and some of it accidentally sprayed in my mouth...
Now when I talk I have a bit of a weird axe scent! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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How do you get a country girl to notice you?
A tractor. |
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What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What goes black white black white Red?
A penguin in a blender |
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"Two nuns in a bath.. one Says where's the soap.. the other replies.. yes it does doesn't it. "
How do you fit 3 nuns on a stool?
Turn it upside down. |
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I think my neighbour is stalking me as she's been googling me on her computer. I saw it through my binoculars last night. |
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"How do you get a country girl to notice you?
A tractor."
Made me laugh way more than it should!  |
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By *eardybobMan
over a year ago
the Goldilocks Zone |
An epidemiologist, a scientist and an ICU doctor walk into a bar...
...barman says "is this some kind of joke?" |
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By *yron69Man
over a year ago
Fareham |
A series of men have been found dead apparently having been smothered to death by pussy.
Police reckon it’s the work of the muffia… |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"An epidemiologist, a scientist and an ICU doctor walk into a bar...
...barman says "is this some kind of joke?" "
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By *evon30Man
over a year ago
torquay |
How do you get Pikachu on a bus?
Poke 'im on |
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My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change." |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Love all these |
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I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.  |
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My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept telling us to "be positive," but it's so hard without him.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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When the doctor told me that there was a cure for dyslexia…
It was music to my arse |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the villagers water….
It didn’t go down well |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"When the doctor told me that there was a cure for dyslexia…
It was music to my arse"
I’m definitely stealing this one |
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I used to like tractors, now I'm an extractor fan |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Why do extreme sports stars love camping? ....because it's in tents maaaaan |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese, and there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It’s either my mum or dad, or my older brother Colin. It could be my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu, but I think it’s Colin. |
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By *eavenNhellCouple
over a year ago
carrbrook stalybridge |
While the enigma machine codes were being cracked by Alan Turing, his sister Kay provided the tea, sandwiches and snacks. |
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Two parrots on a perch, one turns to the other and says can you smell fish? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Lionel Richie's sister Matitsa has just released a range of creams for boobs |
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By *yron69Man
over a year ago
Fareham |
"While the enigma machine codes were being cracked by Alan Turing, his sister Kay provided the tea, sandwiches and snacks."
He liked a joke at his mum’s . What you want for tea son? She’d ask.
Alan would say an egg ma.. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My next door neighbor confronted me about items missing from her washing line.....I nearly shit her pants |
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By *yron69Man
over a year ago
Fareham |
Why does your Xmas tree get upset when you go out?
Because it likes to pine.. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you call a magician who has lost his magic?
Ian |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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'Mummy, does the au pair split into little pieces?'
'Of course not, why do you ask that?'
'Because I heard Daddy tell Uncle Frank he'd screwed the arse off her'. |
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I can't believe how much the price of bouncy castles has gone up by since last year. That's inflation for you |
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By *ynecplCouple
over a year ago
Newcastle upon Tyne |
Accidentally swallowed a load to scramble tiles.
The next trip to the toilet could spell disaster. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Don’t forget to have a poop tomorrow night…
You don’t want to be carrying the same shit into the new year |
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By *yron69Man
over a year ago
Fareham |
I wrote to English Heritage to say every time I entered Dover Castle I’d hear a spooky voice crying “one, two, three, four..”
They wrote back to say thanks for letting us know and it’s the fort that counts.. |
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Why can't a nose be 12 inches?
Because it would be a foot! Haha so silly but makes me chuckle |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Hit me with your dad jokes please
(Yes, I might steal them, and I’m not even sorry )"
Why when someone knocks on the door, do dogs think it's for them? |
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I told my doctor that feel like a cross between a marquee and a wigwam.
He told me that I'm too tense |
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By *mily36CWoman
over a year ago
Bedford (or anywhere beginning with B..!?) |
Why did the fish blush?
Because it saw the ocean's bottom!
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By *eavenNhellCouple
over a year ago
carrbrook stalybridge |
The rapid test kit I ordered yesterday just arrived guess what was in the box ?
An england ashes DVD |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What do call a deer with no eyes?
No idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea… "
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no penis?
Still no fucking idea
Mr |
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I’m afraid for the calendar… it’s days are numbered… |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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How do you make a snooker table laugh?
Put your hand in the pocket
Tickle his balls |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Why did the fish blush?
Because it saw the ocean's bottom!
"
Why did the beach blush?
Because the sea |
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I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Why did the fish blush?
Because it saw the ocean's bottom!
Why did the beach blush?
Because the sea "
Because the sea w*ed |
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Jewish pervert said your not going to eat all those sweets are you |
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Velcro is a rip off ,
Crazy paving isn’t all it’s cracked up to be ,
Two Irishmen walked into a carrot field , they thought they’d come across a snowman’s mass grave |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Mr NBVN has been reading all of these out to me, we have been giggling away... thanks everyone for the silly laughs they have given us tonight 
NBVN x |
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By *azkinsWoman
over a year ago
leeds |
How do you annoy lady ga ga?.
A) poker face. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What sort of ball doesn't bounce?
A Snowball |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Why should you never ask Rick Astley to share his Disney films with you? He's never gonna a give you up |
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I was asked to stop selling Wonderwall....
I said maybe
I'll get my coat |
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By *yron69Man
over a year ago
Fareham |
I threw her a surprise bukakee. You should have seen her face.. |
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I went to the doctor the other day, he said: "alright? I haven't seen you in a while".
"No I've been ill". |
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By *yron69Man
over a year ago
Fareham |
She cheers when Usain Bolt finishes under 10s but never when I do.. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I hear they are developing a mind controlled air freshener.
It makes scents when you think about it. |
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By *eavenNhellCouple
over a year ago
carrbrook stalybridge |
FACT: To Kill a Mockingbird star, Atticus Finch, decided to train as a lawyer to help his brother Hal, who had unfortunately become synonymous with stealing. |
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Bono and the edge walk into a bar in ireland
and the barman says not u2 again |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I hear they are developing a mind controlled air freshener.
It makes scents when you think about it."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Intelligents is such a stupid PC word if you think too much into it. Sorry ladies.
Ouch, I felt the online slap. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A man was battered to death by a fish last night.
Police believe it was. Jack the Kipper. |
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By *yron69Man
over a year ago
Fareham |
Why did Paul McCartney cross Abbey Road with no shoes on?
Cos whacka Macca likes the feel of tarmaca.. |
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What do you call a woodpecker without a beak?
A head banger!
What's the slowest moving creature on the planet?
A nudist climbing through a barbed wire fence. |
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After concluding an after dinner speech I was given a round of applause.
I thanked everyone for the clap as it was about the only thing I've never had! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I woke up this morning to find my pet mouse Elvis had died
He was caught in a trap |
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Why did Jesus cross the road?
He was nailed to the chicken. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I woke up this morning to find my pet mouse Elvis had died
He was caught in a trap"
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How do you turn a lemon on.
Lick its citrus... |
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By *yron69Man
over a year ago
Fareham |
How does a salad aficionado get into space?
Rocket of course. |
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What did the aggressive snowman say to the carrot?
Get out of my face! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"How do you turn a lemon on.
Lick its citrus... "
This made me laugh more than it should |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Don’t ever shout into a colander it will only strain your voice |
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Yes it always getts a chuckle or a frown dependung in the audiance lol |
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