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Jokes that make you laugh.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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He’s my offering:
A man is driving along quiet tretch of country highway with his girlfriend in the passenger seat, when suddenly a rabbit runs across the road in front of them. The man slams on the brakes but unfortunately hits the poor animal. They both quickly exit the vehicle and run to the front of the car where they find the rabbit appears to be quite dead.
"Wait" yells out the woman, "I've got this". She walks to the back of the car, opens the boot and rummages around in her suitcase. She comes out with a tall spray bottle, runs back to the front of the car and sprays the dead animal all over. The rabbit immediately springs up and hops away down the road. As the man stares after it in awe, the rabbit turns back towards him, raises his paw and waves, then continues hopping down the road. Every minute or so it turns back, waves its paw at the couple, then continues its journey.
"OMG, what's in that spray bottle?" The man asks his lady? "It's just my new conditioner" she says, handing him the bottle so he can read the label...
'Revives dead hair , adds permanent wave' |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I used to keep giant African racing snails but every bloody race they always came second . So to make them lighter like an F1 car I removed their shells to make them go faster but it didn't work . If anything it made them more sluggish . |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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As I was paying the cashier for my Christmas tree, he asked, “Are you going to put that up yourself?”
I said, “No, I’m putting it up in the living room.” |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Woman to doctor - There is some pain in my butt
Doctor - Where?
Woman - Around the entrance
Doctor - That's actually the exit. As long as you treat it as entrance, there will be pain. |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
Raljex, a muscle balm wax (the precursor to Deep Heat) used to come in tubes similar to lipstick or Prittstick. which made it easier to apply.
Sadly the simple to read instructions said "before use twist up bottom".
Sales suddenly plummeted as the bottom fell out of the consumer base!   |
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A woman goes the doctor complaining of a sore bum ,
The doctor asks ,where abouts on your bum
The woman replies ,the entrance
The doctors says aslong as you keep calling it the entrance it always will hurt |
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By *mily36CWoman
over a year ago
Bedford (or anywhere beginning with B..!?) |
"The rotation of the earth really makes my day... 
You really like to put a positive spin on things do you enjoy quantum mechanics?"
It's that, or talk about gravity which brings everyone down |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
"The rotation of the earth really makes my day...
You really like to put a positive spin on things do you enjoy quantum mechanics?
It's that, or talk about gravity which brings everyone down "
good job, I have a magnetic personality then. |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
"I asked my doctor if masturbation was bad for my eyesight
He said ,your in halfords mate
I thought a recognised you, in the lube section clasping a hand pump. 
Sssshhhhhhhh  "
That sounds familiar |
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By *mily36CWoman
over a year ago
Bedford (or anywhere beginning with B..!?) |
"The rotation of the earth really makes my day...
You really like to put a positive spin on things do you enjoy quantum mechanics?
It's that, or talk about gravity which brings everyone down
good job, I have a magnetic personality then."
I'm not sure if that's positive or negative though |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
"The rotation of the earth really makes my day...
You really like to put a positive spin on things do you enjoy quantum mechanics?
It's that, or talk about gravity which brings everyone down
good job, I have a magnetic personality then.
I'm not sure if that's positive or negative though "
well I do have my UP days and DOWN days, occsaionaly I can be a bit of a charmer.  |
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"The rotation of the earth really makes my day...
You really like to put a positive spin on things do you enjoy quantum mechanics?
It's that, or talk about gravity which brings everyone down
good job, I have a magnetic personality then.
I'm not sure if that's positive or negative though
well I do have my UP days and DOWN days, occsaionaly I can be a bit of a charmer. "
I heard you were caught stealing and drinking battery acid in halfords ,so the police put you in a cell and charged you overnight |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
"The rotation of the earth really makes my day...
You really like to put a positive spin on things do you enjoy quantum mechanics?
It's that, or talk about gravity which brings everyone down
good job, I have a magnetic personality then.
I'm not sure if that's positive or negative though
well I do have my UP days and DOWN days, occsaionaly I can be a bit of a charmer.
I heard you were caught stealing and drinking battery acid in halfords ,so the police put you in a cell and charged you overnight "
They removed you keys and jump leads. Just in case you were going to start something. |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
"He’s my offering:
A man is driving along quiet tretch of country highway with his girlfriend in the passenger seat, when suddenly a rabbit runs across the road in front of them. The man slams on the brakes but unfortunately hits the poor animal. They both quickly exit the vehicle and run to the front of the car where they find the rabbit appears to be quite dead.
"Wait" yells out the woman, "I've got this". She walks to the back of the car, opens the boot and rummages around in her suitcase. She comes out with a tall spray bottle, runs back to the front of the car and sprays the dead animal all over. The rabbit immediately springs up and hops away down the road. As the man stares after it in awe, the rabbit turns back towards him, raises his paw and waves, then continues hopping down the road. Every minute or so it turns back, waves its paw at the couple, then continues its journey.
"OMG, what's in that spray bottle?" The man asks his lady? "It's just my new conditioner" she says, handing him the bottle so he can read the label...
'Revives dead hair , adds permanent wave'"
Did the bottle cost a FIVER? |
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By *ohoMan
over a year ago
Amsterdam,Netherlands |
Husband comes home with a duck under his arm,
wife opens up the door,
husband says,look that's the pig I'm fucking,
wife says that's not a pig
Husband says,I wasn't talking to you! |
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By *yron69Man
over a year ago
Fareham |
An Arab took a tourist shopping to a souk.
The first stall they passed sold nothing but sponge fingers.
The second, nothing but fruit and jelly.
The third, just custard.
The tourist said to the Arab “this is plain weird."
He nodded his head in agreement.
“Yes, it is a trifle bazaar." |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
"An Arab took a tourist shopping to a souk.
The first stall they passed sold nothing but sponge fingers.
The second, nothing but fruit and jelly.
The third, just custard.
The tourist said to the Arab “this is plain weird."
He nodded his head in agreement.
“Yes, it is a trifle bazaar.""
It gets so hectic at this time of the year, that there are hundreds and thousands, all over the place. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I was having dinner with my boss and his wife said, ‘How many potatoes would you like?’.
I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’
She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’
‘Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you pushy dickhead".
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
What's the Pink Panter's favourite, wheat, city, village in Lower Saxony, Morrocan coin, station on the Mid Norfolk Railway and village in the Cotswolds?
Durum, Durham
Dorum, Dirham, Dereham
Dyrum..... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A man goes to the doctors with a possum growing out of his head.
The doctor says to him,"wow, how did that happen".
The possum says,"it started as a boil on my bum". |
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A man and his wife are attending Christmas Eve Midnight Mass. Halfway through the service the wife whispers into her husband's ear "I've been doing silent farts ever since we arrived, what should I do"?
The husband replies "Well as soon as the shops reopen after Christmas Day you should get a new battery for your hearing aid!". |
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