FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Being used (not in a good way)
Being used (not in a good way)
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
Recently I've realised that someone was using me for months for his own benefit and doesn't give a %#^! about me. Not the first time it's happened.
Does it happen to you?
If yes, how do you deal with it?
If no, how do you avoid it? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It’s the reason I ask everyone to just be upfront in what they wanting
If they just want a one night thing say
Allow me to make that choices if it’s for me or not
9 out 10 times if I like that person in that way
I am going to let it happen even if it’s just a one night thing |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Yes, from fab. 90% of the meets under my last profile.
I left fab, drew a line under it then decided to stick to my guns under a new profile and do what I want.
Good luck OP. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Yes it’s happened to me on more than one occasion in the past.
This may sound cold but you have to remember that most interactions are actually mutual transactions. When you are constantly the one giving you will reach a point that it is no longer a mutual transaction.
Personal boundaries must come into play and only you can choose what behaviours to accept or not. The early you set these out the easier it is to see this kind of behaviour |
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I have been used in the past when someone has needed constant validation or needed to show others that they had a certain standing just by being associated with me.
There was a false perception regarding popularity and what it means on here. There were no black,white or grey areas but just popular and dangerous.
By continuously refusing to be part of the drama and finally just walking away in silence their perception is that I went from being popular to being one of the dangerous ones. |
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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago
South Wales |
I think hindsight is a marvellous thing. A few times I’ve looked back and thought that actually they treated me poorly, but in the moment I was blind to it.
You just have to make a mental note and move on. And don’t allow yourself to go back to the same situation with the same person. Live it and learn from it.
|
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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"Recently I've realised that someone was using me for months for his own benefit and doesn't give a %#^! about me. Not the first time it's happened.
Does it happen to you?
If yes, how do you deal with it?
If no, how do you avoid it? "
That sounds horrible!
I hope that you’re ok |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Recently I've realised that someone was using me for months for his own benefit and doesn't give a %#^! about me. Not the first time it's happened.
Does it happen to you?
If yes, how do you deal with it?
If no, how do you avoid it? "
Sadly I have been used in the past, someone thought I was her personal chauffeur to clubs and socials etc. I’ve never minded helping anyone but she would take the proverbial. One day she abused my over the phone because I wasn’t going to where she wanted a lift to, I just blocked her number and blocked her on the site.
These days I just get strung along and then stood up, now I just view meeting people from fab with gallows humour and if something positive happens I just take it as a bonus.
Sorry you’re going through it OP, it’s no crumb of comfort knowing that you’re not the first or last but I hope you can get over it in time x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Has happened but not from fab, it's shit! I avoid it by never getting that close to anyone. "
It is shit. But..I like getting close to people. Tricky.  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"It’s the reason I ask everyone to just be upfront in what they wanting
If they just want a one night thing say
Allow me to make that choices if it’s for me or not
9 out 10 times if I like that person in that way
I am going to let it happen even if it’s just a one night thing "
And do you find asking people to be upfront means that they are? (Fingers crossed the answer is yes for you) |
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Always ask and know where you both stand! Unfortunately you can be used and think someone is not who you thought they were. Just be more cautious and don't fall for sweet words! Remember salt and sugar is the same colour. Lol Hope you are okay? It's his loss remember that x  |
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I think you can avoid it by checking in with yourself and asking if you're getting as much as you're giving. I think there are times in any relationship when one will need to give more than the other but that should even itself out over time. If it doesn't (illness etc excepted) then questions need asking. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Has happened but not from fab, it's shit! I avoid it by never getting that close to anyone.
It is shit. But..I like getting close to people. Tricky. "
Sorry to hear you’ve been let down OP. It sucks. But closing the door on all just leads to misery I expect, better to be philosophical, learn whatever lessons are to be learnt, chalk up to experience and move on.
A little phycology study and background checks don’t do any harm either when assessing suitability and trustworthiness. Good choices help good outcomes and all that. But granted, easier said with hindsight.
All the best and Merry Christmas
(Mr) |
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By *piderBunnyCouple
over a year ago
Back of Nowhere and Beyond |
So sorry to read this is happening to you OP. It's never nice.
I have had it happen. A lot. And I even see the signs and ignore them because I want to give people the benefit of the doubt, way beyond reasonable doubt and the point at which people I trust are telling me to cut the user loose.
I need to learn to not only trust my people, but to actually listen and digest what they say. They are wise and they have my best interests at heart.
(They also rarely say I told you so more than once per total fuck up, so I'm keeping them) 
Posh |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"All my life, not for sex or money but just to be there when it suited them. Best advise is cut them out of your life. "
Sorry to hear that . I agree and I blocked everywhere today. |
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"All my life, not for sex or money but just to be there when it suited them. Best advise is cut them out of your life.
Sorry to hear that . I agree and I blocked everywhere today. "
Well done! That's the best option.
|
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Yes, from fab. 90% of the meets under my last profile.
I left fab, drew a line under it then decided to stick to my guns under a new profile and do what I want.
Good luck OP. "
Oh that must have been tough . I do hope that doing what you want means you're avoiding the users. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Yes. Easiest way is not to get to involved. I will never, ever trust man again or give all of me to someone."
I know that's one answer, but I don't think I can accept what goes with that. I hope it works out for you and you feel safe. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"It’s the reason I ask everyone to just be upfront in what they wanting
If they just want a one night thing say
Allow me to make that choices if it’s for me or not
9 out 10 times if I like that person in that way
I am going to let it happen even if it’s just a one night thing
And do you find asking people to be upfront means that they are? (Fingers crossed the answer is yes for you)"
Mostly yes I do get the odd one now and then that try’s it but I normally quick to spot it x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Yes it’s happened to me on more than one occasion in the past.
This may sound cold but you have to remember that most interactions are actually mutual transactions. When you are constantly the one giving you will reach a point that it is no longer a mutual transaction.
Personal boundaries must come into play and only you can choose what behaviours to accept or not. The early you set these out the easier it is to see this kind of behaviour "
Sorry it's happened to you BG. Boundaries are definitely so important - but they rely on the other person being truthful and open. Did I ask questions and state my boundaries enough? Possibly not.  |
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By *.R.MMan
over a year ago
Norfolk |
"Recently I've realised that someone was using me for months for his own benefit and doesn't give a %#^! about me. Not the first time it's happened.
Does it happen to you?
If yes, how do you deal with it?
If no, how do you avoid it? "
Sorry to hear this OP, some people are just sh*tbags. It has happened to me on fab luckily not too badly, unfortunately people think that because they’re on fab they can act with impunity. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"
It’s not a good feeling OP. But know your worth.
It’s happened to me recently and I haven’t quite closed the door yet. Waiting for the next text from him so I can unleash holy hell 
"
Yeah, you go and tell him Miss Yeux! (Fist bump) And enjoy the date! |
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I just wrote a long post to reply to this then deleted it all.
All I will say is it has happened more than once and it will happen again because my personality type is a giver to people who I think are genuine. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Yes, I recognise this situation and it feels horrible. I realise that it's not Fab policy but I have been tempted at times when I am unsure about the sincerity of a guy to ask him to treat me to some sexy stockings etc. If I receive a straight refusal and rude reply I avoid the guy and delete. Generous guys always get my vote and usually turn out to be worth the effort. Seems to work for me but some people might object. Too bad."
If that strategy works for you, go for it! Words are cheap, I know that much. |
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"Yes. Easiest way is not to get to involved. I will never, ever trust man again or give all of me to someone.
I know that's one answer, but I don't think I can accept what goes with that. I hope it works out for you and you feel safe. "
I still have fun, they just don't get the feelings x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I have been used in the past when someone has needed constant validation or needed to show others that they had a certain standing just by being associated with me.
There was a false perception regarding popularity and what it means on here. There were no black,white or grey areas but just popular and dangerous.
By continuously refusing to be part of the drama and finally just walking away in silence their perception is that I went from being popular to being one of the dangerous ones. "
So many ways to use people . I've not encountered that but I can see how it may happen here. You dealt with it very decisively by the sound of it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It happens. I just walk away and wish them for good karma. Have no room, will or time for anger, hatred or any such feelings as they wouldn't do me any good anyway. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Yes, I recognise this situation and it feels horrible. I realise that it's not Fab policy but I have been tempted at times when I am unsure about the sincerity of a guy to ask him to treat me to some sexy stockings etc. If I receive a straight refusal and rude reply I avoid the guy and delete. Generous guys always get my vote and usually turn out to be worth the effort. Seems to work for me but some people might object. Too bad."
I’m not sure about this. I would have missed out on the best person in my life if I’d done it, because I know he would have said no. Not because he’s not generous, but because he would have seen that as a red flag. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Recently I've realised that someone was using me for months for his own benefit and doesn't give a %#^! about me. Not the first time it's happened.
Does it happen to you?
If yes, how do you deal with it?
If no, how do you avoid it? "
I’m sorry . For me, it would be about working on your own self worth, working on valuing yourself, because once you do, others will. |
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"Yes, I recognise this situation and it feels horrible. I realise that it's not Fab policy but I have been tempted at times when I am unsure about the sincerity of a guy to ask him to treat me to some sexy stockings etc. If I receive a straight refusal and rude reply I avoid the guy and delete. Generous guys always get my vote and usually turn out to be worth the effort. Seems to work for me but some people might object. Too bad."
To be fair I’d straight refuse or give a rude reply if someone asked me to buy them something. |
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"Yes, I recognise this situation and it feels horrible. I realise that it's not Fab policy but I have been tempted at times when I am unsure about the sincerity of a guy to ask him to treat me to some sexy stockings etc. If I receive a straight refusal and rude reply I avoid the guy and delete. Generous guys always get my vote and usually turn out to be worth the effort. Seems to work for me but some people might object. Too bad."
That could also be interpreted as you attempting to use them and their refusal had nothing to do with sincerity and everything to do with not wanting to be used. Anyone suggesting I should be generous wouldn't have to concern themselves with having to block me. I would have beaten them to it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Recently I've realised that someone was using me for months for his own benefit and doesn't give a %#^! about me. Not the first time it's happened.
Does it happen to you?
If yes, how do you deal with it?
If no, how do you avoid it? "
Yes.
Makes you a better person if you allow yourself to forgive but not forget  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I think hindsight is a marvellous thing. A few times I’ve looked back and thought that actually they treated me poorly, but in the moment I was blind to it.
You just have to make a mental note and move on. And don’t allow yourself to go back to the same situation with the same person. Live it and learn from it.
"
I would really like to be less blind to it! I thought the thread might be helpful for all of those who encounter this (and me of course!!). |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Recently I've realised that someone was using me for months for his own benefit and doesn't give a %#^! about me. Not the first time it's happened.
Does it happen to you?
If yes, how do you deal with it?
If no, how do you avoid it?
That sounds horrible!
I hope that you’re ok"
Thank you Tea. I'm sure I will pick myself up again.  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Recently I've realised that someone was using me for months for his own benefit and doesn't give a %#^! about me. Not the first time it's happened.
Does it happen to you?
If yes, how do you deal with it?
If no, how do you avoid it?
Sadly I have been used in the past, someone thought I was her personal chauffeur to clubs and socials etc. I’ve never minded helping anyone but she would take the proverbial. One day she abused my over the phone because I wasn’t going to where she wanted a lift to, I just blocked her number and blocked her on the site.
These days I just get strung along and then stood up, now I just view meeting people from fab with gallows humour and if something positive happens I just take it as a bonus.
Sorry you’re going through it OP, it’s no crumb of comfort knowing that you’re not the first or last but I hope you can get over it in time x"
That sounds the very definition of a user. Maybe a bit of gallows humour and low expectations would help. But it doesn't seem that we should have to settle for that? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I know that feeling all too well, its shit, and make you very cautious and reserved about giving your all to someone "
That's exactly right. I wasn't looking at giving my all to him luckily. Maybe being cautious is good, though? I'm sorry it's happened to you. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Always ask and know where you both stand! Unfortunately you can be used and think someone is not who you thought they were. Just be more cautious and don't fall for sweet words! Remember salt and sugar is the same colour. Lol Hope you are okay? It's his loss remember that x "
Thank you. Bit down today but I'm sure I will be fine. I thought I had been cautious. You're right - pay attention to the actions not the words! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Has happened but not from fab, it's shit! I avoid it by never getting that close to anyone.
It is shit. But..I like getting close to people. Tricky. "
I tend to look at the goodness in everyone. Yes,occasionally you will be let down and hurt but the great people I've met and been close to more than make up for the odd bad apple.. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I think you can avoid it by checking in with yourself and asking if you're getting as much as you're giving. I think there are times in any relationship when one will need to give more than the other but that should even itself out over time. If it doesn't (illness etc excepted) then questions need asking."
I think this ties in with what the Bearded Guy said further up about mutual transactions. Food for thought. |
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Men, women.. Christ it’s sometimes just a shitty learning curve. I cut ties and work on myself.. it’s easy to take that shit on as being lacking in something.. but it’s other peoples lack of morality. No reflection on you. I have to tell myself this often. crap feeling |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Has happened but not from fab, it's shit! I avoid it by never getting that close to anyone.
It is shit. But..I like getting close to people. Tricky.
Sorry to hear you’ve been let down OP. It sucks. But closing the door on all just leads to misery I expect, better to be philosophical, learn whatever lessons are to be learnt, chalk up to experience and move on.
A little phycology study and background checks don’t do any harm either when assessing suitability and trustworthiness. Good choices help good outcomes and all that. But granted, easier said with hindsight.
All the best and Merry Christmas
(Mr)"
I'm not one to close the door , but yes some lessons to take on board for me I think. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"So sorry to read this is happening to you OP. It's never nice.
I have had it happen. A lot. And I even see the signs and ignore them because I want to give people the benefit of the doubt, way beyond reasonable doubt and the point at which people I trust are telling me to cut the user loose.
I need to learn to not only trust my people, but to actually listen and digest what they say. They are wise and they have my best interests at heart.
(They also rarely say I told you so more than once per total fuck up, so I'm keeping them)
Posh "
What you say about wanting to see the best in people utterly resonates with me. I let that get in the way of common sense. I'm glad you have your Uber sensible people to watch out for you, Posh. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"All my life, not for sex or money but just to be there when it suited them. Best advise is cut them out of your life.
Sorry to hear that . I agree and I blocked everywhere today.
Well done! That's the best option.
"
I guess it is. I wish I didn't have to. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"It’s the reason I ask everyone to just be upfront in what they wanting
If they just want a one night thing say
Allow me to make that choices if it’s for me or not
9 out 10 times if I like that person in that way
I am going to let it happen even if it’s just a one night thing
And do you find asking people to be upfront means that they are? (Fingers crossed the answer is yes for you)
Mostly yes I do get the odd one now and then that try’s it but I normally quick to spot it x"
You're way ahead of me!  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I'm sure most people have experienced it at some point. I just move on and work on finding others who respect me. They're not worth dwelling or anguishing over. "
It's quite a run of crappy experiences, I'm just trying to learn rather than dwell. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Recently I've realised that someone was using me for months for his own benefit and doesn't give a %#^! about me. Not the first time it's happened.
Does it happen to you?
If yes, how do you deal with it?
If no, how do you avoid it?
Sorry to hear this OP, some people are just sh*tbags. It has happened to me on fab luckily not too badly, unfortunately people think that because they’re on fab they can act with impunity. "
Thank you and I'm sorry you encountered this too. I don't think he's a bad person, but just thinking of himself. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I just wrote a long post to reply to this then deleted it all.
All I will say is it has happened more than once and it will happen again because my personality type is a giver to people who I think are genuine."
Well if you'd like to chat - feel free to PM. Do you think there are ways you can protect yourself, maybe from this thread? Giving is wonderful, I wonder if you attract those who just take? I don't think I am a giver but I'm sure I give off signals. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"It happens. I just walk away and wish them for good karma. Have no room, will or time for anger, hatred or any such feelings as they wouldn't do me any good anyway."
I'm not angry or full of hatred. Just a bit sad. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Yes, I recognise this situation and it feels horrible. I realise that it's not Fab policy but I have been tempted at times when I am unsure about the sincerity of a guy to ask him to treat me to some sexy stockings etc. If I receive a straight refusal and rude reply I avoid the guy and delete. Generous guys always get my vote and usually turn out to be worth the effort. Seems to work for me but
some people might object. Too bad."
So if a guy spends a bit of money on you that makes him sincere?
Sorry that is warped thinking  |
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"Recently I've realised that someone was using me for months for his own benefit and doesn't give a %#^! about me. Not the first time it's happened.
Does it happen to you?
If yes, how do you deal with it?
If no, how do you avoid it? "
Learn to say no, one thing at a time. If you don’t want to go out, don’t. If you don’t want to go there, say no. Don’t stop other people doing it if they want to, but don’t do things you don’t want to do. Small steps to having confidence in your own opinions eventually lead to you having a bit more belief in yourself and not needing someone else to validate you, which can help stop you bending over backwards to please someone else |
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By *iger4uWoman
over a year ago
In my happy place |
"Yes, I recognise this situation and it feels horrible. I realise that it's not Fab policy but I have been tempted at times when I am unsure about the sincerity of a guy to ask him to treat me to some sexy stockings etc. If I receive a straight refusal and rude reply I avoid the guy and delete. Generous guys always get my vote and usually turn out to be worth the effort. Seems to work for me but some people might object. Too bad."
So your meets are transactional.
|
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Recently I've realised that someone was using me for months for his own benefit and doesn't give a %#^! about me. Not the first time it's happened.
Does it happen to you?
If yes, how do you deal with it?
If no, how do you avoid it?
I’m sorry . For me, it would be about working on your own self worth, working on valuing yourself, because once you do, others will."
Thanks Hippy. I thought I was getting better at that, but maybe not. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I've been in this situation before, got too close, now find it difficult to get close, if that makes sense.. it makes it a bit hard to trust... "
That does make perfect sense. I think it's perfectly natural to be warier. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Sorry this happened OP, it does feel shit.
I'd say take heed of red flags and have enough self preservation to walk away at the first one.
"
Walking away is absolutely the right thing to do (and I have). |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Recently I've realised that someone was using me for months for his own benefit and doesn't give a %#^! about me. Not the first time it's happened.
Does it happen to you?
If yes, how do you deal with it?
If no, how do you avoid it?
I’m sorry . For me, it would be about working on your own self worth, working on valuing yourself, because once you do, others will.
Thanks Hippy. I thought I was getting better at that, but maybe not. "
Sometimes we slip back, so we can see how far we’ve come.
We’re like onions, there’s always more layers of healing to do. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Recently I've realised that someone was using me for months for his own benefit and doesn't give a %#^! about me. Not the first time it's happened.
Does it happen to you?
If yes, how do you deal with it?
If no, how do you avoid it?
Learn to say no, one thing at a time. If you don’t want to go out, don’t. If you don’t want to go there, say no. Don’t stop other people doing it if they want to, but don’t do things you don’t want to do. Small steps to having confidence in your own opinions eventually lead to you having a bit more belief in yourself and not needing someone else to validate you, which can help stop you bending over backwards to please someone else"
I'm sure this advice might be helpful for others on the thread. I don't need someone else to validate me and I say no all the time. I think the other person should take some responsibility here - I didn't use him. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"If it's a pattern you're noticing happens to you, are you taking anything away from it to avoid it happening in the future?"
Yes, absolutely. I'd already started asking more questions and being clearer on my boundaries with new men I am talking to but I started talking to this guy months ago. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Recently I've realised that someone was using me for months for his own benefit and doesn't give a %#^! about me. Not the first time it's happened.
Does it happen to you?
If yes, how do you deal with it?
If no, how do you avoid it?
I’m sorry . For me, it would be about working on your own self worth, working on valuing yourself, because once you do, others will.
Thanks Hippy. I thought I was getting better at that, but maybe not.
Sometimes we slip back, so we can see how far we’ve come.
We’re like onions, there’s always more layers of healing to do. "
I think that's why I feel so disappointed. It's happened again. And I didn't even notice the gaslighting until last night. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Recently I've realised that someone was using me for months for his own benefit and doesn't give a %#^! about me. Not the first time it's happened.
Does it happen to you?
If yes, how do you deal with it?
If no, how do you avoid it?
I’m sorry . For me, it would be about working on your own self worth, working on valuing yourself, because once you do, others will.
Thanks Hippy. I thought I was getting better at that, but maybe not.
Sometimes we slip back, so we can see how far we’ve come.
We’re like onions, there’s always more layers of healing to do.
I think that's why I feel so disappointed. It's happened again. And I didn't even notice the gaslighting until last night. "
But you noticed, that’s a positive, and all it’s learning and growth. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Unfortunately some people will suck the life out of you until you are unable to give yourself anymore because your heart won't let you then you become the bastard to someone special because you can't give yourself it's sad |
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I can honestly say I've never been used in day to day life. I do more than I should a lot of the time but that's just my nature. I'm very easy going but I'm confident enough in myself to say no if things don't suit me or if something I just don't want to do
The minute you think things aren't right or you think someone is taking the piss or asking too much of you just keep it in mind and just say no sorry can't do that or no sorry it doesn't suit me today or I don't have time. Don't explain yourself either by telling them why you can't. An apology is enough. Never put anyone's time over yours. Doesn't mean you can't go out your way for people but the minute you are second guessing things or you find things a hassle then that's time to stop
If it's someone just stringing you along then just give your time to someone else. No one is worth your self respect
R |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
The minute you think things aren't right or you think someone is taking the piss or asking too much of you just keep it in mind and just say no sorry can't do that or no sorry it doesn't suit me today or I don't have time. Don't explain yourself either by telling them why you can't. An apology is enough. Never put anyone's time over yours. Doesn't mean you can't go out your way for people but the minute you are second guessing things or you find things a hassle then that's time to stop
R"
I believe this to be the right approach and yet find it rather difficult to implement. When I start wondering whether the relationship is appropriately balanced, self doubt also creeps in and I can’t help but ask myself whether I read the situation correctly. There is two sides to every story after all.
Open communication is probably the answer but it can also be a trap: when a partner takes advantage, the minute they understand your self doubt, they are in a position of strength and you make yourself vulnerable, digging yourself into that hole.
It’s a conundrum I haven’t figured out yet. Quite unsettling and it makes it difficult to trust anybody. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Recently I've realised that someone was using me for months for his own benefit and doesn't give a %#^! about me. Not the first time it's happened.
Does it happen to you?
If yes, how do you deal with it?
If no, how do you avoid it? "
Yes it’s happened, it’s horrible.
I cry a lot and I mean a lot then decide it’ll never happen again and I’m gonna become cold hearted and evil and surprise surprise it happens again.
Think I’m just gonna not get to friendly with anyone off here again and remember that most things people tell you is what they think you want to hear.
Oh and keep my distance and if people think I’m being cold or harsh that’s their point of view and it’s not important. Think of yourself first and foremost, if they are genuine they’ll stick around. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Recently I've realised that someone was using me for months for his own benefit and doesn't give a %#^! about me. Not the first time it's happened.
Does it happen to you?
If yes, how do you deal with it?
If no, how do you avoid it?
I’m sorry . For me, it would be about working on your own self worth, working on valuing yourself, because once you do, others will.
Thanks Hippy. I thought I was getting better at that, but maybe not.
Sometimes we slip back, so we can see how far we’ve come.
We’re like onions, there’s always more layers of healing to do.
I think that's why I feel so disappointed. It's happened again. And I didn't even notice the gaslighting until last night.
But you noticed, that’s a positive, and all it’s learning and growth."
I did notice that's true. And showed some messages to a friend who agreed with me. I have trouble trusting my judgment still (was gaslighted for a long time). |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Unfortunately some people will suck the life out of you until you are unable to give yourself anymore because your heart won't let you then you become the bastard to someone special because you can't give yourself it's sad "
Not good to get to that point |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I can honestly say I've never been used in day to day life. I do more than I should a lot of the time but that's just my nature. I'm very easy going but I'm confident enough in myself to say no if things don't suit me or if something I just don't want to do
The minute you think things aren't right or you think someone is taking the piss or asking too much of you just keep it in mind and just say no sorry can't do that or no sorry it doesn't suit me today or I don't have time. Don't explain yourself either by telling them why you can't. An apology is enough. Never put anyone's time over yours. Doesn't mean you can't go out your way for people but the minute you are second guessing things or you find things a hassle then that's time to stop
If it's someone just stringing you along then just give your time to someone else. No one is worth your self respect
R"
I think we've maybe had different experiences in life. I don't find any of that straightforward or easy to do, I've had to work really hard at it. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"
I believe this to be the right approach and yet find it rather difficult to implement. When I start wondering whether the relationship is appropriately balanced, self doubt also creeps in and I can’t help but ask myself whether I read the situation correctly. There is two sides to every story after all.
Open communication is probably the answer but it can also be a trap: when a partner takes advantage, the minute they understand your self doubt, they are in a position of strength and you make yourself vulnerable, digging yourself into that hole.
It’s a conundrum I haven’t figured out yet. Quite unsettling and it makes it difficult to trust anybody."
I think that conundrum is one many people find hard to figure out. Myself included. At the core of it - one person is taking advantage of another. This thread has talked a lot about how we can protect ourselves but...more importantly, people should not be c*nts. That would kinda fix it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
I believe this to be the right approach and yet find it rather difficult to implement. When I start wondering whether the relationship is appropriately balanced, self doubt also creeps in and I can’t help but ask myself whether I read the situation correctly. There is two sides to every story after all.
Open communication is probably the answer but it can also be a trap: when a partner takes advantage, the minute they understand your self doubt, they are in a position of strength and you make yourself vulnerable, digging yourself into that hole.
It’s a conundrum I haven’t figured out yet. Quite unsettling and it makes it difficult to trust anybody.
I think that conundrum is one many people find hard to figure out. Myself included. At the core of it - one person is taking advantage of another. This thread has talked a lot about how we can protect ourselves but...more importantly, people should not be c*nts. That would kinda fix it. "
True. But we’re all somebody else’s cunt. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Unfortunately yes. Not necessarily from Fab. People use people to source what they need, never reciprocate, discard the good hearted person once they realise nothing more can be gained or manipulated.
It's a horrible to realise that's the position you are in. I'm worth way more than that - it's why I'm always up front as I don't tolerate BS now and expect the same from others but trust us an issue. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Unfortunately some people will suck the life out of you until you are unable to give yourself anymore because your heart won't let you then you become the bastard to someone special because you can't give yourself it's sad
Not good to get to that point "
It's sad to be this way I wouldn't wish it on anyone especially when the abuser moves on in life with no fucks given on to their next victim |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Some men I've had sex with were just getting their rocks of it seems.
I'm sure most people ask for something that only benefits them, at some point.
Not me though, I'm an angel "
I agree - I think I would say it's damaging when someone is taking a great deal more than they give and not showing any care for your well-being. And if they're not being transparent about things. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"
I believe this to be the right approach and yet find it rather difficult to implement. When I start wondering whether the relationship is appropriately balanced, self doubt also creeps in and I can’t help but ask myself whether I read the situation correctly. There is two sides to every story after all.
Open communication is probably the answer but it can also be a trap: when a partner takes advantage, the minute they understand your self doubt, they are in a position of strength and you make yourself vulnerable, digging yourself into that hole.
It’s a conundrum I haven’t figured out yet. Quite unsettling and it makes it difficult to trust anybody.
I think that conundrum is one many people find hard to figure out. Myself included. At the core of it - one person is taking advantage of another. This thread has talked a lot about how we can protect ourselves but...more importantly, people should not be c*nts. That would kinda fix it.
True. But we’re all somebody else’s cunt."
Speak for yourself! I have one. I'm not one. |
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Not on here, but in the past yes I've realised I was being used.
The thing is the arrangement we had really worked for me, so I continued with it. I gave a little less support and stopped rearranging my plans whenever he asked me to - I stopped putting myself out quite as much, as I was the only one making concessions.
It is a rather transactional view but I tend to match the effort levels of my partner and since he wasn't putting the effort in I wasn't going to carry the entire arrangement alone!
When it no longer worked for me I walked away without a backwards glance, knowing that although my leaving was inconvenient for the guy concerned he had no feelings or emotions involved so I didn't need to worry about that. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Unfortunately yes. Not necessarily from Fab. People use people to source what they need, never reciprocate, discard the good hearted person once they realise nothing more can be gained or manipulated.
It's a horrible to realise that's the position you are in. I'm worth way more than that - it's why I'm always up front as I don't tolerate BS now and expect the same from others but trust us an issue. "
It's when you realise it that it stings. We are all worth more than that. |
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By *os19Man
over a year ago
Edmonton |
"Recently I've realised that someone was using me for months for his own benefit and doesn't give a %#^! about me. Not the first time it's happened.
Does it happen to you?
If yes, how do you deal with it?
If no, how do you avoid it? "
. I have had no problem with Fabs but in the past at work I have loaned colleagues at work £30 - £80 and never got it back even after they left there was the normal give me your number and I call you when I have it 7 years later I am still waiting for the call.Now when colleagues talk to me about money I walk away. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I’ve been used or certainly felt used.
I think the best way to avoid it is by having boundaries.
We can all be people pleasers or afraid to say no to people we’re interested in and not no to doing acts we wouldn’t be comfortable with but saying no to opportunities to spend time with that person.
If everything seems like it’s on the other persons terms or you wouldn’t feel confident making plans to see that person then just fuck them off. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Not on here, but in the past yes I've realised I was being used.
The thing is the arrangement we had really worked for me, so I continued with it. I gave a little less support and stopped rearranging my plans whenever he asked me to - I stopped putting myself out quite as much, as I was the only one making concessions.
It is a rather transactional view but I tend to match the effort levels of my partner and since he wasn't putting the effort in I wasn't going to carry the entire arrangement alone!
When it no longer worked for me I walked away without a backwards glance, knowing that although my leaving was inconvenient for the guy concerned he had no feelings or emotions involved so I didn't need to worry about that."
You made it work for you and felt in control. That's a good outcome! I guess losing control and feeling manipulated is a big part of why it feels crappy. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Recently I've realised that someone was using me for months for his own benefit and doesn't give a %#^! about me. Not the first time it's happened.
Does it happen to you?
If yes, how do you deal with it?
If no, how do you avoid it? . I have had no problem with Fabs but in the past at work I have loaned colleagues at work £30 - £80 and never got it back even after they left there was the normal give me your number and I call you when I have it 7 years later I am still waiting for the call.Now when colleagues talk to me about money I walk away."
Ouch! Walking away definitely sounds the best approach now. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I’ve been used or certainly felt used.
I think the best way to avoid it is by having boundaries.
We can all be people pleasers or afraid to say no to people we’re interested in and not no to doing acts we wouldn’t be comfortable with but saying no to opportunities to spend time with that person.
If everything seems like it’s on the other persons terms or you wouldn’t feel confident making plans to see that person then just fuck them off. "
Ah you seem familiar Yeah, boundaries are definitely the key! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Yep, but it was always my fault. Never the ex’s apparently.
Yet I should have learnt my lesson the first time round, but hey ho. "
Learning lessons is a positive though? Ive been in this situation a few times, it doesn't mean I'm crap and nor are you. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I’ve been used or certainly felt used.
I think the best way to avoid it is by having boundaries.
We can all be people pleasers or afraid to say no to people we’re interested in and not no to doing acts we wouldn’t be comfortable with but saying no to opportunities to spend time with that person.
If everything seems like it’s on the other persons terms or you wouldn’t feel confident making plans to see that person then just fuck them off.
Ah you seem familiar Yeah, boundaries are definitely the key! "
It’s easier to give advice than take it but I’ve been in situations before when I’ve liked a guy but it’s a bit one sided. Everything has always been on his terms. Like if he’d been flaky with me or not contacted me for a while then got in touch asking to meet I’d be like yeah yeah, when the correct thing to do is thank them for the offer and say you’d love to meet but you’ve already got other plans. It feels like cutting your nose off to spite your face cos you want to see them but you have to think bigger picture. It shows them that you’re not just available at the the drop of a hat or whenever it suits them and if they want to secure some time with you then they need to make solid plans in advance. A lot of people, myself included would feel scared to say no in case they don’t ask you again but they will and it shows them you have respect for yourself and you aren’t afraid of losing them and are perfectly happy with it without them. |
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It's happened to me quite a few times over the years, my problem being that I can be too easy going for my own good, but once I have them sussed, they have invariably overlooked the fact that they are playing with a grand master of minds games who lets them have enough rope that they eventually hang themselves, and that's when they become history. And guess what! All the arse licking in the world doesn't get me to change my mind. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Happened to us both, not for sex but for money, food, clothes and a roof over their heads.
Other things as well but trying to forget, it's why we keep people at arms length |
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By *os19Man
over a year ago
Edmonton |
"Recently I've realised that someone was using me for months for his own benefit and doesn't give a %#^! about me. Not the first time it's happened.
Does it happen to you?
If yes, how do you deal with it?
If no, how do you avoid it? . I have had no problem with Fabs but in the past at work I have loaned colleagues at work £30 - £80 and never got it back even after they left there was the normal give me your number and I call you when I have it 7 years later I am still waiting for the call.Now when colleagues talk to me about money I walk away.
Ouch! Walking away definitely sounds the best approach now. "
. I have walked away from it it’s only seen this thread that bought it back and what a soft touch , gullible person I was and at times still am.2 of the members of staff where one grade higher than me so had a better salary the other the same grade as me. |
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"Yep, but it was always my fault. Never the ex’s apparently.
Yet I should have learnt my lesson the first time round, but hey ho.
Learning lessons is a positive though? Ive been in this situation a few times, it doesn't mean I'm crap and nor are you. "
It should be a positive, but honestly the extent of what she said has practically enabled me develop self-sabotage techniques which I’m having to slowly pick apart & undo.
|
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I’ve been used or certainly felt used.
I think the best way to avoid it is by having boundaries.
We can all be people pleasers or afraid to say no to people we’re interested in and not no to doing acts we wouldn’t be comfortable with but saying no to opportunities to spend time with that person.
If everything seems like it’s on the other persons terms or you wouldn’t feel confident making plans to see that person then just fuck them off.
Ah you seem familiar Yeah, boundaries are definitely the key!
It’s easier to give advice than take it but I’ve been in situations before when I’ve liked a guy but it’s a bit one sided. Everything has always been on his terms. Like if he’d been flaky with me or not contacted me for a while then got in touch asking to meet I’d be like yeah yeah, when the correct thing to do is thank them for the offer and say you’d love to meet but you’ve already got other plans. It feels like cutting your nose off to spite your face cos you want to see them but you have to think bigger picture. It shows them that you’re not just available at the the drop of a hat or whenever it suits them and if they want to secure some time with you then they need to make solid plans in advance. A lot of people, myself included would feel scared to say no in case they don’t ask you again but they will and it shows them you have respect for yourself and you aren’t afraid of losing them and are perfectly happy with it without them. "
Sometimes need to reframe "people pleasing" into this mindset. I still have to challenge myself not to automatically go along with others.  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Been used for sex and for money.
Both not that long ago.
Im 47 and because of that for the 1st time in my life i now have a wall up."
I am sorry to hear that. Can completely understand the wall going up. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"It's happened to me quite a few times over the years, my problem being that I can be too easy going for my own good, but once I have them sussed, they have invariably overlooked the fact that they are playing with a grand master of minds games who lets them have enough rope that they eventually hang themselves, and that's when they become history. And guess what! All the arse licking in the world doesn't get me to change my mind. "
I can't really relate as I don't want to get anyone back, I just want to get out. Good that it works for you. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Happened to us both, not for sex but for money, food, clothes and a roof over their heads.
Other things as well but trying to forget, it's why we keep people at arms length"
That's the worst thing - is that we put up walls which are so hard to break down again. Sorry that happened to you. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Recently I've realised that someone was using me for months for his own benefit and doesn't give a %#^! about me. Not the first time it's happened.
Does it happen to you?
If yes, how do you deal with it?
If no, how do you avoid it? . I have had no problem with Fabs but in the past at work I have loaned colleagues at work £30 - £80 and never got it back even after they left there was the normal give me your number and I call you when I have it 7 years later I am still waiting for the call.Now when colleagues talk to me about money I walk away.
Ouch! Walking away definitely sounds the best approach now. . I have walked away from it it’s only seen this thread that bought it back and what a soft touch , gullible person I was and at times still am.2 of the members of staff where one grade higher than me so had a better salary the other the same grade as me."
I can't see that using those words about yourself years later helps you. You trusted the wrong people, but they are the ones at fault. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Yep, but it was always my fault. Never the ex’s apparently.
Yet I should have learnt my lesson the first time round, but hey ho.
Learning lessons is a positive though? Ive been in this situation a few times, it doesn't mean I'm crap and nor are you.
It should be a positive, but honestly the extent of what she said has practically enabled me develop self-sabotage techniques which I’m having to slowly pick apart & undo.
"
But you ARE slowly fixing the damage. I am four years on fixing my damage but...it's still getting fixed! |
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It's probably not to the same magnitude of what you've experienced, but it's happened to me once, two years ago when I first joined Fab. And I still find it difficult to describe...
Everything about it felt synthetic and non-reciprocal: the dialogue, the socials and the sex. It was about her 'wants' and 'needs' and I blindly complied. I was suddenly jettisoned from her life once her appetite for everything was fully sated.
Although it was all mutually consensual I couldn't help feeling 'sensually violated'. |
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By *pider-WomanWoman
over a year ago
Exeter, Bristol, Plymouth, Truro |
"Yes it’s happened to me on more than one occasion in the past.
This may sound cold but you have to remember that most interactions are actually mutual transactions. When you are constantly the one giving you will reach a point that it is no longer a mutual transaction.
Personal boundaries must come into play and only you can choose what behaviours to accept or not. The early you set these out the easier it is to see this kind of behaviour "
Nothing to do with the thread ( sorry OP) but i just needed to say absolutely fabulous pictures. |
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"It's happened to me quite a few times over the years, my problem being that I can be too easy going for my own good, but once I have them sussed, they have invariably overlooked the fact that they are playing with a grand master of minds games who lets them have enough rope that they eventually hang themselves, and that's when they become history. And guess what! All the arse licking in the world doesn't get me to change my mind.
I can't really relate as I don't want to get anyone back, I just want to get out. Good that it works for you. "
Oh it's invariably been a case that they came back with their tails between their legs as they realised what side their bread was buttered on, and that's when I would enjoy a good gloat, even more profound when I had their replacement in place. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"It's probably not to the same magnitude of what you've experienced, but it's happened to me once, two years ago when I first joined Fab. And I still find it difficult to describe...
Everything about it felt synthetic and non-reciprocal: the dialogue, the socials and the sex. It was about her 'wants' and 'needs' and I blindly complied. I was suddenly jettisoned from her life once her appetite for everything was fully sated.
Although it was all mutually consensual I couldn't help feeling 'sensually violated'."
That sounds a rubbish experience Do you have any insight into why you complied? |
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"It's probably not to the same magnitude of what you've experienced, but it's happened to me once, two years ago when I first joined Fab. And I still find it difficult to describe...
Everything about it felt synthetic and non-reciprocal: the dialogue, the socials and the sex. It was about her 'wants' and 'needs' and I blindly complied. I was suddenly jettisoned from her life once her appetite for everything was fully sated.
Although it was all mutually consensual I couldn't help feeling 'sensually violated'.
That sounds a rubbish experience Do you have any insight into why you complied?"
•
Because I (unwittingly) lived with the eternal hope and belief that, beneath her veneer of shallowness, her true self would come through. But she was immutable.
And, if I can be candid and honest with you... I wanted to get laid. (But not at all costs) |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"It's probably not to the same magnitude of what you've experienced, but it's happened to me once, two years ago when I first joined Fab. And I still find it difficult to describe...
Everything about it felt synthetic and non-reciprocal: the dialogue, the socials and the sex. It was about her 'wants' and 'needs' and I blindly complied. I was suddenly jettisoned from her life once her appetite for everything was fully sated.
Although it was all mutually consensual I couldn't help feeling 'sensually violated'.
That sounds a rubbish experience Do you have any insight into why you complied?
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Because I (unwittingly) lived with the eternal hope and belief that, beneath her veneer of shallowness, her true self would come through. But she was immutable.
And, if I can be candid and honest with you... I wanted to get laid. (But not at all costs)"
Ah, well there lies some truth. We want to believe the best of people and we want what they dangle in front of us! It wasn't sex for me, it was kink, but the same principle applies. |
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