T’was Christmas Day in the workhouse
The merriest day of the year
The paupers and the prisoners
Were all assembled there
In strode The Beadle
In his finest robes and hat
The paupers sat in silence
Then shouted “what a….. fine upstanding gentleman he is”
In came the Christmas pudding
When a voice as bold as brass
Yelled, "We don't want your Christmas pudding
So stick it ……….under the table for a bit to cool down”
The workhouse Beadle then arose
And prepared to carve the duck
He said "Who would like the parson's nose?”
And the prisoners shouted
"we don’t give a ……twopenny piece, have it yourself sir"
“Help yourself” The Beadle said
“To Mulled Wine from the tank”
“I’m teetotal” shouted one poor chap
“So instead I’ll have a …….wash with carbolic soap and water”
The Vicar brought his bible
And read out little bits
Said one old crone at the back of the hall
"This man gets on ………… very well with everybody”
The workhouse Mistress then began
To hand out Christmas parcels
The paupers tore the wrappers off
And began to wipe their ……running noses”
The Beadle rose to make a speech
But just before he started
The mistress, who was fifteen stone
Gave three loud cheers and ……..fainted on the tile floor”
And all the paupers then began
To pull their Christmas crackers
One pauper held his too low down
And blew off both his ….. breeches buttons”
A steaming bowl of white bread sauce
Was handed round to some
An aged pervert called aloud
"This bread sauce tastes like …..yesterday’s stale porridge”
Mince pie with custard sauce was next
And each received a bit
One pauper said "The mince pie's nice
But the custard tastes like …….
the bread sauce we had in the last verse !"
The Mistress dishing out the food
Dropped custard down her front
She cried "Aren't I just a silly girl"
And they shouted "No, you're a ………valued member of the workhouse staff”
"This pudding ", said The Beadle
"It's solid, hard and thick
how am I going to cut it ?"
And a man cried "Use your………..
penknife sir, the one with the pearl handle"
The Mistress asked the vicar
To entertain his flock
He said "What would you like to see ?"
And they cried "Let's see your………..
conjuring tricks, they're always worth watching"
"Your reverence may I be excused ?"
Said one benign old chap
"I don't like conjuring tricks
I'd sooner have a ……puff of me clay pipe”
So then they all began to sing
Which shook the workhouse walls
"Merry Christmas!" cried the Beadle
And the inmates shouted
"Best of luck to you as well sir !"
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