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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Being new to this lifestyle and site, there's going to be a lot of "firsts" and invariably, we won't always get them right first time round.
99% of the time it's me (mr) who interacts on here and messages etc.
The other day, I wasn't in a good head space (whee I was working was a trigger for my ptsd) anyway, while messaging people I'd been asking if they would be interested in meets. Now for me, that was me simply seeing what our, and in one case my, options were but Mrs took it as me actively trying for a meet when we hadn't spoke about it first (she was on a 12 hour shift and doesn't like being disturbed at work)
Us viewing the situation so differently and me not being in a healthy head space led to a pretty hefty argument and her removing herself from our profile. And us separating.
I'm fairly confident we can fix the relationship, we are both very reactive people and we just spiralled, not for the first time
I'm just wondering, other than time and a calm conversation what can I do to build the trust back uo, when in all honesty, I dot feel like I done anything to break it in the first place.
Coukd I get some advice from an outside perspective please, especially for women's Point of view but anyone with an opinion is welcome.
Hopefully this is literate... got a banging hangover
Cheers all |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I’m not sure there is an easy fix and solution.
Maybe you need to delete this profile altogether until you are both ready to start over. It will show where your priorities are and that is hopefully in your relationship.
If you do start over my advice is to talk about everything, no matter how insignificant they may seem to you at the time. Understand each other’s boundaries and feelings.
Personally I can understand her pov more than yours as you crossed a boundary she had without you knowing she had it.
Good luck |
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This is why setting up boundaries is so so important as a couple.
I don't know if this is true or not but it comes across as though you haven't spoken how you are going to approach fab together.
I know when we first started out there were discussions, when we found out we didn't like how the other did something, but these were relatively minor.
I would suggest leaving having some serious conversion and start again if that is what you both want. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Oh honey, not good.
Am glad to see you've hidden the profile for npw, whilst trying to sort out yoyr personal relationship, which is the most important part.
All you can do is talk and talk and talk, keep your calm and try and tell her how yoy feel. Its possibly the wrong step for you both, if there has been words over the way the profile is conducted.....maybe she just isn't for the lifestyle?
Personally, i wouldn't touch Fab whilst this is going on, maybe try and work out the feelings on both sides without a Fab profile and set the boundaries in stone before anything whatsoever happens.
Really hope you guys will be fine and it all sorts itself out. Its a hard time of year as it is, without ill feelings in the way.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'd definitely set some boundaries between you, there have been times me or Mr have had to say we're not happy with this or that, it's just a conversation then we move on.
If it's causing arguments I'd maybe pop fab on hold, she maybe isn't ready for meets yet especially if it's not discussed. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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We've spoken a lot about what we are comfortable with and boundaries to be fair. And we have said that all "first" we do together. She was encouraging me to find couples for mff, but I'd said I would rather wait until she was ready (which, after a little while she was and we arranged a meet etc)
Since joining I've realised I'm bi curious and I was chatting with a gay guy who had been flirting with me and mentioned about maybe meeting up if i decided I was ready.
Thus is where the root of the fall out lies. That situation could never have been something we done as a couple, it was always a 1 on 1 scenario. I see it as me finding out my options so I could talk it out with Mrs when she finished work. She sees it as a betrayal of trust as, since the guy was local, she would have told me she didn't want me too and the conversation never would have happened.
I see her point, took it onboard, apologised and said it wouldn't happen again. But when I try to say my side, she instinctively says I'm justifying my actions.
Mistakes were clearly made, if I'm completely honest though, I feel like removing herself from here and the ensuing argument were both over the top reactions.
Hence the post, as I said curious to see outside perspective, maybe I am 100% in the wrong here, dunno |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"We've spoken a lot about what we are comfortable with and boundaries to be fair. And we have said that all "first" we do together. She was encouraging me to find couples for mff, but I'd said I would rather wait until she was ready (which, after a little while she was and we arranged a meet etc)
Since joining I've realised I'm bi curious and I was chatting with a gay guy who had been flirting with me and mentioned about maybe meeting up if i decided I was ready.
Thus is where the root of the fall out lies. That situation could never have been something we done as a couple, it was always a 1 on 1 scenario. I see it as me finding out my options so I could talk it out with Mrs when she finished work. She sees it as a betrayal of trust as, since the guy was local, she would have told me she didn't want me too and the conversation never would have happened.
I see her point, took it onboard, apologised and said it wouldn't happen again. But when I try to say my side, she instinctively says I'm justifying my actions.
Mistakes were clearly made, if I'm completely honest though, I feel like removing herself from here and the ensuing argument were both over the top reactions.
Hence the post, as I said curious to see outside perspective, maybe I am 100% in the wrong here, dunno"
Ok from her perspective you have agreed that everything will be done together. You have then been looking to potential meet with a guy without her and had the conversation without her knowledge This is not doing something together. I can see why she thinks is betrayal as it looks like you said yes to her, but only when it suits you.
Sorry to say this but I think you are at fault and by arguing about it you are making excuses for your actions rather than owning it |
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Your partner felt betrayed. A combination of jealousy, lack of involvement/irritation and your head-space (aka reduced consideration aka fuckwittage) lead to the argument. Clear away from Fab. Let her KNOW you have done so. Fix relationship, reenter Fab when/if you have agreed jointly your approach and boundaries.  |
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"We've spoken a lot about what we are comfortable with and boundaries to be fair. And we have said that all "first" we do together. She was encouraging me to find couples for mff, but I'd said I would rather wait until she was ready (which, after a little while she was and we arranged a meet etc)
Since joining I've realised I'm bi curious and I was chatting with a gay guy who had been flirting with me and mentioned about maybe meeting up if i decided I was ready.
Thus is where the root of the fall out lies. That situation could never have been something we done as a couple, it was always a 1 on 1 scenario. I see it as me finding out my options so I could talk it out with Mrs when she finished work. She sees it as a betrayal of trust as, since the guy was local, she would have told me she didn't want me too and the conversation never would have happened.
I see her point, took it onboard, apologised and said it wouldn't happen again. But when I try to say my side, she instinctively says I'm justifying my actions.
Mistakes were clearly made, if I'm completely honest though, I feel like removing herself from here and the ensuing argument were both over the top reactions.
Hence the post, as I said curious to see outside perspective, maybe I am 100% in the wrong here, dunno"
If you were approaching fab as a couple and then you went to talk about meeting one on one. Then to me you broke one the rules you set up before you joined fab. In this situation I personally would have expected you to keep the conversation away from meeting with this person or leave it until you could speak to your partner. Especially if you only had to wait for her to return from work. |
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I'd be annoyed too. I think the best thing with any couple where the woman feels as your wife does is for neither of you to do anything connected with fab unless the other is there (obviously looking is ok).
You seem to have a pretty volatile relationship. She's left you and removed herself from your profile because she thinks you were arranging meets without consulting her and you think you've done nothing wrong. How do you think meets would go of you haven't resolved your obvious misinterpretation of each others intent? |
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Communication - as you can see from the previous advicev here - it’s probably best to delete the account- build the bridges - it does sound extreme that one big row causes a separation- or is it one in a long line which ended up being the final straw? How does she feel about your bi cur - is she ok with it or does she secretly feel like it’s a reflection on her ? Honesty and openness on both sides in a calm way is the key - not screaming blaming and fingerpointing. I hope you get things sorted out. Focus on what’s most important to you first and move from there. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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The bi curiosity aspect isn't an issue, quite the opposite, it was her who said she thought I might be and supported and encouraged me to explore it. She's not only ok with it, she enjoys the thought of it.
It all boils down to a lack of communication.
Going to leave the profile hidden for now, we've spoken this morning and, we both know the separation was us just being reactive to eachother. It's not the first time. As far as the swinging goes, we're gonna take a break from here (I'll still interact on the forums, its my new Facebook) but, not even discussed meets etc until we have tried a club and see if we are both into it.
Our communication has gotten so much better lately but clearly we still have some work to do
Thanks for the advice everyone, genuinely helpful
Now, I best go buy some flowers! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The bi curiosity aspect isn't an issue, quite the opposite, it was her who said she thought I might be and supported and encouraged me to explore it. She's not only ok with it, she enjoys the thought of it.
It all boils down to a lack of communication.
Going to leave the profile hidden for now, we've spoken this morning and, we both know the separation was us just being reactive to eachother. It's not the first time. As far as the swinging goes, we're gonna take a break from here (I'll still interact on the forums, its my new Facebook) but, not even discussed meets etc until we have tried a club and see if we are both into it.
Our communication has gotten so much better lately but clearly we still have some work to do
Thanks for the advice everyone, genuinely helpful
Now, I best go buy some flowers!"
If you are going to take a break but still interact on the forums etc think about how that might look as well. Taking a break is completely taking a break not just dialling down.
Ask yourself this question. Which is your priority, fab or your relationship? And act accordingly |
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